Family Tree (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - The Austerity Games - full transcript

♪

She's left us all
a little something.

And this is all yours.

There he is.
Your great-grandfather

It's a Chinese man.

This isn't a Chinese person.

It's an English person
playing a Japanese person.

He's an actor.

He was the back end
of a pantomime horse.

I think
I can say he was the best.

Monkey's been telling me we should
start to tread the boards ourselves.



Well, I think
I've got it in my blood.

- Well, it's my blood.
- My blood.

- My blood.
- She's so weird.

Monkey:
Well, I think at a kids' party

we should address
some of the real issues

they have to deal with
these days.

What sort
of things, Monkey?

Monkey: Well, like drugs, you know.

Kids are younger and younger
when they're taking drugs.

I just wanted
to warn you that

that stuff that you get
on the street

is really strong
these days, you know?

It's no longer the lovely,
quiet approach to a high.

I recommend mushrooms 'cause
you can do that incrementally.



Well, I don't take
any drugs myself.

Of course she does.

No, I don't.
I don't.

She's in denial, but fortunately,
I have access to the truth.

Bea: We would talk
about that maybe a bit,

and then I've got this
section called "Ask Monk."

They can just ask me anything,
you know? Anything they want.

Like you know,
maybe one kid...

wants to know is his
dad gay... I don't know.

Why do you say that?
Is it because of this guy?

No! No, not you,
of course.

- Monkey: He does look gay.
- Bea: Not at all.

Monkey:
It's the hair.

And then... you know,
or anything.

Or maybe "My mother's
frigid," I don't know.

"Maybe she wants
to have other kids,

but she found out she can't,"
that kind of shit.

I'm not saying that
about you either.

Monkey: Although you
have that look about you.

And then we can maybe end
on a song, you know?

Something...
something jolly.

- Nursery rhyme.
- ♪ Old MacDonald had a wank... ♪

Something
like that, yeah.

Have we yet
mentioned...

that our son
is five?

Yes, yes.

We're not really sure
that your act is necessarily...

age-appropriate.

We just wanna keep it real,
you know.

I think kids need
a warning these days.

Not that real, though,
'cause I saw your lips move.

- I'm sorry?
- While you were doing the "MacDonald" song.

- You didn't see my lips move.
- They didn't move.

It was on the word... it was
the "Donald," the "MacDonald."

Okay, at least
I have lips.

- Monkey: He doesn't have "lits."
- Shut up.

People who don't have
lips... don't have lips.

- Anyway, your monkey's rude.
- Oh?

Yeah?
I'm not rude.

Monkey: Fuck you. I'm not rude.

Sorry.

Fucking fuck you,
you frigid cunt.

- So what was the problem?
- Bea: They just looked at me

like I was this disgusting thing,
you know?

Monkey: I was doing them a service.

These kids today,
they need a warning.

Tom: Bingo... one, two,
three dead Chadwicks.

I guess this is
the Chadwick family plot.

Yeah. I've never seen
these gravestones before.

Hmm... Granny
and Granddad.

Victoria, this is all your fault
that we're doing this little journey.

I mean, we'll
be here someday.

I know.
I'll visit you

and bring you
flowers and soup.

Wait, why am I
dead first?

'Cause you've got less to live for,
I think.

Bea: We're off.

Tom: Yeah, I mean, I can't remember
a lot about my grandparents,

Lydia and William.

Um...

I mean,
we were very young.

- Bea: Yeah.
- And what a way to go...

in a hot air balloon.

Bea: It's doubly tragic, isn't it?

Monkey:
Supposed to be so uplifting.

But then we were never allowed
balloons at our birthday parties.

- You know?
- If a balloon popped in the house...

- That's why that was!
- Yeah.

That makes... I never
put those two together.

- Yeah.
- I do remember their funeral.

Like, it was
a celebration, really,

more than
anything else.

- We did a song.
- We did. We sang something.

- The Bee Gees, was it?
- The Beatles.

- Wasn't it?
- Was there?

Oh, I don't remember.

I thought it was "Staying Alive,"
but it couldn't have been.

- "Staying Alive" by the Bee Gees.
- Was that it?

- Yeah.
- That rings a bell.

( clicks )

That's very cool.

Cool.

"Winner of the bronze
medal, Mister..."

Why did I say bronze?

If I'm making it up,
just make it gold.

Tommy, have you noticed any change
in personality in me lately?

No, no, you seem
pretty "compos mentis."

Hmm. That's one
of the symptoms.

- Of what?
- Mad Cow Disease.

- You think you have Mad Cow Disease?
- Not sure.

I've got a couple of
other symptoms, but...

I found this...

in the trunk.

- Oh, my gosh.
- Yeah, look at that.

Haven't seen one of
those for a while.

That's a beauty.
That's from the 1948 London Games.

That's right.
It says that.

Oh, yes... the "Austerity
Games," they called it.

- Oh.
- Yeah, it had almost no budget at all.

- Oh.
- First poster? Three rings.

- Holy moly, that's a lot less, isn't it?
- Yep.

I've got some stuff
from that event

- somewhere... here we go.
- Yeah, I found some pictures and stuff with it,

- but I don't know...
- Look at this.

Take a gander
at this, Tommy.

- Shoe... no spikes.
- Oh.

They thought they were gonna
have to jettison the javelin.

That's what they
were going for.

- Darts.
- Darts.

And here we go,
the discus... plates.

( chuckles )
Really?

- Yeah.
- That's all right.

Do you know what else
I found was an old record,

but I don't have
the app for that.

Ah, yes. Well,
I've got a gramophone at home.

- I'll give it a whirl and get back to you.
- Thanks.

Hey, do you think there's
any way that I could find out

if the person who wore this
is related to me?

Apart from a DNA test,
I suppose there's one quick way.

( sniffs )

- What... you're gonna smell me.
- ( sniffs )

- Hi, Dad.
- Oh, hello, darling.

- It's my daughter Lucy.
- Hi, how are you?

Lovely to see you.
Give your old man a big kiss.

- Do you know Tommy?
- Yes.

- We've met, I think.
- Mr. Pfister: He lives upstairs.

I've spent many
the afternoon

- enjoying your delicious cakes.
- Oh, good.

Well, you should try this 'cause
Dad can't eat the whole thing.

Yum, yum.

It's good, it's moist.
It's a nice moist cake.

- I'll bet.
- Yeah.

How's the wedding
planning going?

Um...

well, it's kind of
not, really.

Oh, shit, I just brought up
something really bad, didn't I?

No, no, it's fine.
I'm over it...

well, I'm not over it, but I'm,
you know, I'm doing okay.

- Yeah.
- We split up about two weeks ago.

It's tough, isn't it?
It's tough.

Yeah, because I came out
of a thing as well.

- Oh, so you're single?
- Yeah, it was like, weird.

It's hard coming out of... yeah, it's
tricky because you're so close, aren't you?

Yeah.
Yeah, you are.

Then suddenly, you wish
that they had never been born.

- So it's tough.
- Oh, really?

You're not really friends,
then, or anything?

- No, we are not, Lucy.
- No?

- Gosh.
- Tom: Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I'm really enjoying
the life of the single man.

Ahem.

Obviously, in the aftermath
of Sarah moving out,

there was quite a void.

But, you know, I've realized
that not all voids are bad.

I've been reading
this book,

"Wonders of the Solar System"
kind of thing,

and there's a chapter
on black holes.

And they are,
in essence, a void.

But they expand,

sucking different
celestial bodies

and debris
into the vast darkness

from which not even
sunlight can escape.

And then they implode
on themselves.

Exciting day today.

I managed to find
Victoria's will online,

which is kind of creepy.

But it does mean
that I discovered

that she left her flat
to an old friend of hers

called
Mildred Budgens.

So I'm gonna go in
and see her

and hopefully find out more
about William and Victoria

and convince her to swap what she got
in the will for what I got in the will.

( chuckles )

So I'm just gonna...
Pete's coming along,

which is...

we should be eager
to get in.

( whistling )
Tommy!

All right,
just leave it.

Someone's dropped
a lighter.

- You don't smoke.
- No, but I like fire.

- And it works.
- Oh, that's good.

( doorbell rings )

( door buzzes )

- Right. That's yours.
- Ah, thank you.

You want a glass,
or would you like it...?

No, if you're going
straight from the bottle,

straight down
the gullet.

I like your style.
Whoa!

With this Old Bomber's gob
you are spoiling us, Mildred.

- Cheers.
- Pete: Cheers.

- Mmm. I respect your taste in beer.
- Thank you.

And I must say,
I respect your taste in art.

I don't know a lot about art,
but I know what I like.

And I like pictures
and models

and posters of them...
all these.

Tom: Yeah, stripped-down, naked
art. I like it. I like it, too.

Mildred: Well, it was Victoria's
taste. Maybe it runs in the family.

Saucy.

Well, we were both evacuated
to the same boarding school,

right out in the sticks.

- Tom: Wow.
- Mildred: In a sea of mud we were,

- and we loved it.
- This was World War II?

Yes. Have a heart.

- Yeah, yeah.
- God's sake.

Anyway, she was
very, very energetic.

It was always physical,
everything we did.

And one summer day
she took me back to her home,

- and I met her family.
- Oh, yeah? How were they?

- Well, varied.
- Yeah.

She was very close to her
older brother, William,

- and they were a lot alike.
- Sorry, you said her older brother?

She only had
one brother.

No, William and Brian.
She had two brothers.

Brian? She had another
brother called Brian?

Victoria had
two brothers.

Oh, my God.
I didn't know that.

One that could do no right,
and one that could do no wrong.

- That was William.
- I found in the trunk that Victoria left for me

a vest, and it looks
like it's...

part of the Great British team
from the '48 Games.

That would have been
William's.

That was
your grandfather's.

So he was actually
in the Games?

- He was in the British team?
- Oh, yes.

- Well, he was a boxer.
- I have a picture of him.

I have a picture
of him boxing.

- It must be him.
- Yes, it is. It's your grandfather.

- Oh, my God.
- I'm sorry that he skipped a generation.

- That's impressive.
- It's very impressive.

- He was called the "Tufton Terror."
- Tom: Right.

After the village
they grew up in in Derbyshire.

But Victoria, now,
she was a real athlete.

She had a very special way
of doing the shot put.

She invented
a special way of throwing.

It was called
the "Chadwick Chuck."

- Oh.
- And, boy, did she chuck it.

And she was much better
at it than anybody else,

but nobody else
could do what she did,

so they said
it was illegal.

Did you stay friends, then,
for years after that?

- Oh, yes.
- Must have been friends, right?

- Every year we went somewhere.
- There's loads of pictures with you.

We went on holidays together,
we went 'round the world together.

- Nice.
- We went to the East...

I'll bet the two of you were
beating them off with a stick.

Victoria got attention
from everybody.

Bet you had your fun
with the lads.

One in every port.

- Couple of chicks like you.
- She always attracted interest.

And so we moved in together,
and very happy it was, too.

- You moved in together?
- Yes.

Did you ever settle down
with one lad?

Who needs it? You know what?
Two girls, just...

Why not have a taste
of them all?

- Would you like another beer?
- I'm good with this one.

- Shut 'em up.
- What?

What?

So I was wondering,
Mildred, if you'd have

any idea why Victoria left
me that big trunk of stuff.

Do you remember...
no, you wouldn't probably...

when you and your sister
used to come and visit her

- when you were little?
- Um... not really.

She took a great shine
to you.

She thought you were
a very bright little boy.

You were interested
in everything.

So she always
kept you in her mind.

And just before
she died...

Vic said
that she hoped

you might be the one
to carry it on.

- Carry on with what?
- I don't know.

I will.

I have
some things here

that I think Vic would
have liked you to have.

- Oh, more stuff.
- I've kept them all these years.

First, your grandfather's
boxing gloves.

- Oh, my God.
- They are awesome.

- Look at that!
- That's cool.

These were in
the London Games.

This is your
grandfather's jockstrap.

( laughs )

- I'm sure she'd like you to have that.
- Just put it on the glove.

- Yeah. Love that.
- There we go.

This is the prize
of all.

This is Victoria's
shot put.

I can't lift the damn thing,
but she used to chuck it.

Don't worry,
I'll get that.

Come on, you...

- ( thumps )
- Ow!

You all right
there, Pete?

Shit the bed.

Shh.

This is what happens
when siblings procreate.

Amazing, the things
you hang on to.

Yeah.

You're gonna
enjoy this.

There you are.

That's your granddad.

- Wow!
- Oh, my God!

Okay, this is
his gym membership card?

The "Jack Perry
Gymnasium"?

- Yeah.
- So he was a really good boxer?

- Don't really know.
- They called him the "Tufton Terror."

Yeah, yeah,
I suppose.

Do you remember him
being really strong?

Hitting you
as a kid?

No, he wasn't terribly
physical at all.

Rather distant,
you know.

- How about Brian?
- Oh, Christ.

- You know who Brian is?
- Yeah, yeah.

Now, this would have
been useful.

Look, I never met him
until my dad's funeral.

- Right.
- He showed up, the last minute,

pinned some sort of carnation
or something on my dad's lapel...

scarpered.

Never
saw him again.

Do you know what happened
to him after that?

No. Never gave it
much thought.

Really?
This is your uncle.

Well, look.
You got to understand.

In our clan, family
is what disappears

when you're not
looking at it.

That's not a saying.

I don't think
that's a saying.

- Bea: No.
- Well, it is now.

Okay, well,
this has been informative.

- And these are good.
- Do you want to keep any of this?

Yeah, let's have
a look at these gloves.

Yeah.
It's a nice memento.

Monkey: It's quite an object,
isn't it? Look at it.

Think of the sweat
and effort in those.

- Oh.
- Monkey: Oh, yeah.

I like it.
I feel its pain.

The whole hand thing.

I just wondered, maybe you
and I could go on holiday...

Monkey, I don't think
now's the time.

I'd take you
South of France.

Monkey, please.
I'm so sorry about this.

No, I wish I could say
this is the first time

I've seen him
fuck a glove.

- Oh, shit!
- Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

You're not gonna
light up, are ya?

- Tom: There we go. Cheers.
- Good to see you, Tommy.

- Yeah.
- Bea, Monk.

Ding-a-ling-a-ling!
Your attention, please.

- Tell them.
- Monkey and I have got a professional gig.

- Doing what?
- We're doing 20 minutes...

- Of comedy.
- At a wedding reception.

- Entertainment?
- Bea: Uh-huh. We're gonna do it.

- ( chuckles )
- Bea: What?

- Why are you laughing?
- Monkey: Why are you laughing?

What are you doing with your life?
What's this about?

- I think it's great.
- Yeah, we wanna be supportive.

Are you gonna be
using your own name?

- Yes, I am. Yes.
- Problem with that?

No, no, no.
Wear it with pride.

- I'll let you know how it goes.
- Okay, yeah, yeah.

- Bea: Oh, my goodness.
- Lovely. Okay, yeah.

- Monkey: Watch this space.
- I'll find out.

Bea: See you soon.

Oh, my Christ.

( man speaking within )

( speaking strong
Jamaican Patois )

Tom: Hi there. Hi.

- TJ?
- Tom?

- Yes.
- Yeah, welcome, Tom.

- Thank you.
- My gym, this.

I train here long time.
10 years.

Oh, wow.

Wanna know
about the gym?

You see there?
We have Briggid there.

Briggid there... fire.
Huh?

( speaking strong
Jamaican Patois )

- Know what I mean?
- ( chuckles )

There we have Eddie.
You see him there?

"Eddie... "Executioner."
You know what I mean?

"Executioner"?
Is it because he killed somebody?

Yeah, man.
He killed everyone.

- Aw, that's great.
- And there I have Jack Perry there.

Oh, Jack... yeah, I saw that this
is called the Jack Perry...

This gym, here,
is named after Jack Perry.

The special thing
about Jack Perry...

him have one arm.

- He had only one arm?
- Yeah.

( speaking strong
Jamaican Patois )

( laughs )
You said it.

You want to meet some of
the boxers that used to be here?

- Great.
- Cool, man. Come now.

Oh, we're going...
yeah?

They're the men, them.

We have
Barry Booker,

we have Jimmy Pickwick,
that's Terry Cross there.

- Hey, everybody.
- Tom, this one.

Thanks, TJ.
Cheers.

Nice to meet you.
Thank you.

- Hey, how's it going?
- Jimmy: Morning.

Oh, you know,
I better not.

I'm actually here because I think
my grandfather trained here.

He was a bit of a boxer.
His name was William Chadwick.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Tom: You ever heard of... yeah?

- Billy Chadwick?
- Sure, why not? Yeah.

- What did you call him?
- The "Tufton Terror."

- That's it.
- Yeah.

- He used to spar with my Uncle Jack.
- Tom: No way!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Before the London
Games, he sparred with my Uncle Jack.

That's right, before
he was in the London Games.

- In '48?
- That's right! Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you remember
anything from back then?

It was just after the war.
Nobody... there was no money.

Nobody knew what resources
there were gonna be.

We didn't know what games
they were gonna have.

Barry: We trained at
all sorts of things.

Terry: I remember the egg-and-spoon,
'cause eggs was rationed.

- Terry: The sack race.
- Tom: The sack race?

- Yeah.
- Barry: Tug of war.

Tom: Wow, that was different,
wasn't it?

Do you know if William actually
won a medal at the Games?

- Oh, no.
- Tom: No?

No, no.

He lost the first bout.
He went out... boom.

- Yeah.
- Big disappointment. Big disappointment.

Pete: Oh, sorry.

Sorry I'm late. One of the guinea
pigs broke out of its cage.

Ended up in the ball pool.
Bit a kid.

Not funny, 'cause the kid
had to have a tetanus shot,

and I had to put
the animal down.

- This is Pete.
- Hi. You all right, lads?

- Hi, Pete.
- How you doin'?

Whoa!
( speaks gibberish )

Nice move, bintz.
That's fine. Professional.

Feeling irie and t'ing.
You all right?

Nice hat.
Hat brothers.

- Oh, please don't do Rasta.
- Brothers from another mother.

Yeah, listen,
I was just wondering.

I'm more
of an M.M.A. man myself.

Like, I got Muay Thai skills,
B.J.J. I'm sick off my back.

But, you know,
when in Rome,

why not do what
the Romans do and box?

Go old school.
Kingsberry rules.

- Queensberry.
- Pete: These guys know.

You got anyone I can have
a little roll-around...

not a big one
with tattoos,

but you got
any little lads

that I can have
a little muck-around with?

- Not afraid?
- Yeah, no, I'm...

- You're not afraid?
- No, I'm not afraid.

- Come.
- That's right. Man gotta brave heart.

We gonna run dis t'ing.
We gonna do dis t'ing.

- Tom: Oh, shit.
- Pete: Now.

Some man's gonna get lick in
the headpiece, boxing style.

- I'm with him. Yes!
- Barry: Who is that?

That's Pete Stupples.
He works at a zoo.

- Or in?
- Yeah, good question.

Barry: I'll tell you something,
though.

Once the Games
got up and started,

you know the best
thing about them...

was listening to them
on the wireless.

- It was real.
- Terry: Of course it was, yeah.

Pete:
Let's do dis t'ing!

Let's do
dis t'ing!

That rope's... they're
usually tighter than that.

Someone
could get hurt.

That's fine,
anyway.

Ooh-oo!

( grunts, coughs )

Wait...!

He took one there.

I think he was
doing it properly.

Okay, fine.
If we're doing it properly,

that's cool.
I'm back.

Oof! Ugh!

Ugh!

TJ: He killed the boy on that.

- And he's down.
- Jimmy: Dear, oh, dear.

- TJ: Good work.
- Pete: Hey, you...

- ( Pete moans )
- You all right, Pete?

Pete: No.

Just keep going, Pete.
You'll wear him down.

What?! Mum? Mum?

( sitar music playing )

( laughter )

( English accent ) All right,
Mum, Dad? 'Ow's it 'anging?

It is not 'anging at all well
right this minute, Sunil.

( laughs )
Love that bit.

Why is funny?

- Why is it funny?
- Yes.

She's putting marmalade
on a poppadom.

Why is funny?

It's sort of
a culture clash thing.

Chitra: Do you think we have
never heard the excuse...

- ( doorbell rings )
- "The cow ate my homework"?

Keith: Thanks.

Vikram: You cannot be blaming
a sacred animal, Sunil.

Be a man and admit

that you have made a very big
cock-up on your teacher at school.

( Keith laughs )

Luba: Is Tom.

- Hello, Tommy. How are you, then?
- Hey.

He smell food.
You hungry?

- I see your face.
- No, I'm not. I just had...

"Luba, I hungry.
I hungry." You eat.

I just had a whole box
of fish fingers.

- You're on your own again tonight, aren't you?
- What?

You're alone again tonight.
You're not seeing anyone, are you?

( stammering )
I see... I'm not seeing...

like, not seriously, no.

Don't you like to go out?
Don't you like to take a girl out,

- show her the town?
- I love to do that.

But it's tricky out there.
It's not like when you were...

Women are scary now.

They're no different
than they were when I was young.

Oh, yes, they are,

with their hair
and their thoughts, and...

It's really time
you settled down.

Found a nice girl
and settled down.

I'll do what I can, okay?

But listen,
in the meantime,

I have some amazing new
information on the search.

You know, it's great
to have a hobby, Tommy.

All right,
you can look at it.

- It very pretty.
- Keith: What's this now?

- Squiggle, squiggle.
- Tom: Squiggle indeed.

- What's this about?
- It's a birth certificate for Mr. Charles Chadwick,

my great-great-grandfather,
your great-grandfather.

We went to his gravestone.

Can I just show Dad
for a second?

You can look at
the squiggles in a second.

Turns out he wasn't
born in England.

Check out
where he was born.

- Greensboro, Maryland?
- He's American!

- The USA?
- We are American.

- I'm a Yank?
- Another reason for you to hate the French.

- ( music playing )
- ( man whistling )

( music stops )

Bravo, bravo.

( speaking Greek )

Bea Chadwick
and Monk!

( applause )

Hello.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Hello, everybody.
Thank you so much for having us.

What a beautiful
wedding.

I'm going to introduce you
to my oldest friend,

and he's a talking monkey.

Monkey?

Here he is.

And he speaks.
Say hello.

- Hello.
- There we are.

So, you look
very beautiful.

Yes. What's that money
stuck to her dress?

- That's unusual.
- Monkey: Yes.

Monkey: Kind of like a stripper.
Good Lord.

- That's half of Greece's economy.
- Bea: Thank you.

Monkey: So, let's just chat
a little. This is a Greek wedding.

- Bea: Indeed.
- And it's nice to see you here,

despite the economic
downfall.

I hear that
the suicide rates

are really climbing
in Greece right now.

But you're going
to have a lovely time,

I hope,
this evening.

And it's lovely to see
the monk there at the back.

Not that we're
fans of religion.

No, not really.

No. I think religion
is responsible

for so many atrocities
in this world.

But this one seems to me
fairly innocuous.

Monkey: You say that,
but all ancient religious dogma

has its effects.

Not to mention
female circumcision.

Yes, which
is awful, so...

So, yeah,
enough of that.

And... oh, gosh.
I feel a bit funny.

- You feeling okay?
- I feel a little bit strange.

Thank you so much,
the bride and groom.

Thank you.
Bye-bye.

( clapping )

Bea:
I think it went well.

- Well, you know, not well.
- Not well at all.

But certainly
for a first gig...

Or for any gig.

It was a total
and outright failure.

I think it...
no, I don't think so.

I mean, looking out
at all the faces,

- the happy faces...
- They weren't happy faces. God, she's in denial.

I felt... no,
but they were happy

- as a family, it seemed.
- What do you mean?

Well, it just felt like
to be in a room

with such a big family,
it sort of felt

that maybe Tom's
onto the right track

looking into family.
I don't know.

Well, what do you
think he'll achieve?

Well, maybe we'll
feel some sort of...

connection.
I don't know.

I don't know.
It just struck me.

I need a drink.

Yeah,
let's get a drink.

♪ When I found you,
I found myself ♪

♪ I was gonna love you
like nobody else ♪

♪ But I never really
had a clue ♪

♪ How to love
a girl like you ♪

♪ Two true believers,
we devised ♪

♪ A temporary paradise ♪

♪ Now our future's
in the past ♪

♪ I should have known ♪

♪ It wouldn't last ♪

♪ I should have been
a better man ♪

♪ You could have been
a better friend ♪

♪ I'm alone,
but that's okay ♪

♪ I guess the dice ♪

♪ Just rolled that way. ♪