Family Tree (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Civil War - full transcript
Pete rings Tom to tell him he has a job interview on return to England but Tom and his cousins are more intrigued by photographs showing Charles in uniforms of soldiers of both the North and South, suggesting he changed sides at the end of the Civil war. Tom attends a battle re-enactment but it gives no further clues and he is told off by the organizer for not playing dead. After Bea has phoned to say she and Pete will be flying out to join him Tom meets writer Ally Keele, whose side he takes after a traffic accident. Tom then learns that Charles changed uniforms to allow him to get behind enemy lines to meet his sweetheart Rebecca, apparently a Native American,
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Hello?
Oh, hello.
Is that Thomas Chadwick?
Yep.
Hello.
This is Brian.
Hi, Pete.
I'm calling--
you did--
You know what gave it away
was that you just sounded
like yourself.
You didn't even put on a voice.
I did.
I was doing a voice.
I was doing
my insurance person voice.
Anyway, how are you?
- I'm really great!
- Are you in America?
Is it hot and sunny?
Are there girls in bikinis?
- Have you got a suntan yet?
- Kinda.
Oh, lucky sod.
Anyway, I've got
your mail here.
Oh, that's great.
Thanks.
- Do you want me to go through it?
- Uh...
Crap, crap,
fast food, crap,
bollocks.
Oh, Clancy Lorimer Insurers?
Ooh.
Open that one.
All right.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Here we go.
"Dear Mr. Chadwick..."
duh duh duh duh duh.
"We are pleased to inform you
that you have been
selected to interview
for the position
of crash analyst
in our crash investigation
department."
Get in!
Get in, my beauty.
That's great!
When is it?
Uh, it's a week
after you get back.
Bring that letter with you
when you get in.
- Yeah, all right.
- When do you get in?
I'm flying into LA
on the Thursday
and I'm getting in
about 10:00.
Okay, great.
Flying into LA.
All right, then?
Are you there?
- Tom?
- Let's do this.
Tom? Are you there?
Tom?
Hello.
Oh.
Okay.
- Morning, Tom.
- Hey.
- How'd you sleep?
- Great. I slept great.
Good.
I was doing a little
rummaging around the attic
and look what I found.
Oh, it's Charles.
Yeah, your
great-great-grandfather.
- That's so great.
- In a different uniform.
- It is?
- Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
It's a little lighter.
He's wearing
the Confederacy uniform.
That's the uniform
for the other side.
- Oh, that's not the same uniform?
- No. No, no, no.
- Oh, that's interesting.
- Yeah, isn't it?
You're sure it's not--?
Maybe they just had
different uniforms--
No, no, no.
Rebel cap, Rebel uniform.
That's what it is.
- Button missing, too, here.
- Yeah.
He's bad at needlework.
Maybe.
Maybe.
- Fascinating.
- It's a mystery is what it is.
Somebody here thinks
it's a coincidence
that he lost one button
from each jacket?
- That part is interesting.
- And then found them later?
Are these the actual buttons?
- Those are the buttons.
- Oh, my God, those are so pretty.
Well, that's why they're not on
there, 'cause you guys have them.
I've got another theory.
He left two days
after Lincoln was shot.
How nice would it be to have
two different uniforms
to pass freely?
I'm sorry, Al.
You think he's a double agent?
Maybe triple.
David, why don't you have
a look at this?
Well, I don't know much
about the historical part
of the war itself,
but I do know that obviously
he's a man in the Confederacy.
And the thing I see
more than anything else
that I noticed,
'cause I'm not a uniform expert,
is I look at his hands.
We used to call this
gnarly hands.
- Gnarly--
- Gnarly hands, yeah.
This is from fear--
from fear of being in battle.
When you're fighting,
your hands get all
kind of rigor mortized
like that.
And, you know, in the old days,
they'd say,
"Hey, gnarly hands!"
Across the street
they'd yell at him.
And he was--
that was embarrassing.
But it's for a good cause,
because look--
he has no ill will.
He's a nice-looking boy.
He's our relative.
I have heard the term
"gnarly hands" before.
I actually have
a friend that is--
well, I'm into this
a little bit.
A bit of a passion of mine
is Civil War reenactment.
- He's really good at it.
- And really fun to do.
You're living,
you know, history.
How does he have access
to the opponent's uniform?
Let me talk to my buddy.
I've got to drop Julie off
at her spinning class.
- If the hands comes up, great.
- Okay.
But it would be great to know
why he's wearing
either of the things.
- Can I see that one, Dave?
- I can promise you there's a reason.
- There they are.
- Harvey, good to see you again.
- Good to see you, pal.
- This is Tom.
- Tom!
- That's right.
Nice to meet you.
Come on in.
- Thanks very much.
- I love the cannon.
Thanks.
I just got it.
It's an 1861 Napoleon.
Come on in, guys.
Have a seat.
I'm telling you, Harvey,
that cannon looks brand-new.
- Is that a new coat of paint?
- It is.
- Doesn't it look good?
- God, it looks great.
And I got new 12-pounders
for it, too.
- Oh, those 12-pounders fire off.
- Yeah.
- When's the last time you fired it?
- Once a weekend.
- Yeah.
- In the morning, early. Annoy the neighbors.
- Yeah.
- That's great.
Neighbors are the worst.
You are not gonna believe the
stuff that Tom has to show you.
- This stuff's incredible.
- So this is a picture
of my great-great-grandfather
Charles Chadwick.
All right, this is
Charles Chadwick, huh?
Okay. I see.
A Union man. Good.
But here is also a picture
of my great-great-grandfather
Charles Chadwick.
Well, that's very interesting.
Okay. Wow.
And some buttons.
Really?
Now, I see he's missing
a button on each uniform.
Yeah.
Yeah, there we go--
Confederate and Union.
I want to look something up.
I-- I'm privy
to an online site
- that a lot of people don't get to see.
- Oh, cool.
- They're almost like official war documents.
- Do they look like normal--
No, they don't look like
anything you'd see,
so it's kind of
a waste of time.
Even taking a peek, it'd be all
spaghetti and mushrooms to you.
Let me do the grunt work here.
Charles Chadwick--
there it is.
Union-- Union soldier.
Unlisted, yep.
And there, sure enough,
Confederate.
- Charles Chadwick.
- Whoa.
Yeah, both sides.
Oh, wow, wow.
Oh. Look at this.
Okay, so, he fought
for the Union side
and the Confederate side,
both in the same battle--
the Battle of Huntersville.
That's not even poss--
but how would you do that?
Yeah, what do you do?
Excuse yourself to go change?
- I mean...
- I'm just gonna throw this out there.
- Yeah.
- What if he was a spy?
A spy?
But for who?
You tell me.
Your machine.
Well, I'll do what I can.
I'll put--
- Put it in.
- Oh, you know what I'm getting?
And I've never gotten this.
- I got a question mark.
- What does that mean?
It doesn't know.
It's never seen this before.
- You've jammed the whole system with this.
- I'm getting synonyms.
I'm getting traitor,
deserter, coward.
Okay. Don't bother. Don't worry.
You know what?
Let me dig into this.
We've got a reenactment
coming up this weekend.
- Rick, what do you think?
- Yeah, Tom, you gotta do one of these.
- That would be great.
- This is the real thing.
- You're welcome to come if you'd like.
- I would love that. Thank you.
If you do that, then I'll show
up with some information and--
'cause I'll tell you, where
there's smoke, there's fire.
And you got a blaze
happening here, my friend.
It's so great you can
come by and see our place here.
Yeah, this is great.
Come on in.
- Ooh.
- So... yeah, this is it.
- Lovely.
- This is it.
Isn't this great?
You need to look no further
than the ocean view.
Isn't that nice?
No, see, there's a house
in front of it.
That-- if the house wasn't--
the tree blocks a little
and the house
blocks most of it,
- but the ocean's right there.
- Oh, right.
So if that was
an invisible house,
that would be a sea view.
Hypothetically, sure.
But if that house isn't there,
180-degree view
of the Pacific.
It's why you pay California
state tax right there.
- Ah, lovely.
- It's right there.
Can you feel the sea air
just coming in?
- I think I can.
- Yeah? Yeah.
But you can't see it.
You can't see it.
- Not at all.
- But you really feel the ocean.
Hey, look.
A three-legged dog.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Actually, we get a lot of them
here in Redondo Beach.
It's really quite spectacular.
Hey, what do you think
of my owls?
Oh, sweet Lord.
Yeah.
They're pretty amazing.
She actually-- she'll name
them all for you, if you want.
- You have so many owls.
- Chachi's a new one.
Hey, let me show you the stuff
that we're gonna be taking
over to the reenactment.
You gotta check this out, man.
I got some great stuff.
- Show him Clover.
- Clover's right there.
Clover's got
the big orange eyes
that almost look like
it's an infection.
Come on back here.
Let me show you--
I'll make you guys some coffee.
Okay. Sounds good, hon.
Thanks.
Hey, guys.
This is really the coolest
spot in the whole house.
- Holy moly!
- Yeah.
See this right here?
This is an authentic replica
of an actual Civil War blanket.
- A blanket.
- Yeah. Isn't that amazing?
- That is something else.
- Yeah, and this is a forage cap.
- Oh.
- Right here.
And see, the reason it's
different than a kepi--
because this actually--
you would take the--
- Big gun!
- It is, it is.
- That's actually a musket.
- Oh, my God, it's heavy.
- It is.
- You could just-- uh!
That would happen in war.
You never know.
Normally you would--
no, no, no.
Don't ever put your mouth
near the barrel.
Why don't we go ahead
and put that back
because I don't know for sure
that that's been cleared
since my last battle.
- Great costumes.
- Yeah.
Those actually aren't costumes.
We refer to them as uniforms.
- Yeah.
- So take a gander, see what you think.
- Ah, green.
- Yeah, I can see why it stood out.
This is actually
a Union sharpshooter.
You couldn't wear this, though.
You would need to train
extensively.
- Even for the reenactment?
- Especially for--
- It's just make-believe.
- We had a friend of ours last week--
- he's fine now, but they're--
- Hey.
Hi.
- What's up?
- We're out of coffee.
Wasn't it your
turn to do the shopping?
Why would we be out of coffee?
You have six hours a day
to go shopping.
How dare you?
I don't.
I have four hours a day
to go shopping.
K-Cups-- do we have any K-Cups left?
Even that?
You know what? Why don't I just
run out and get us some coffee?
No, no.
You don't need to do that.
No coffee's better than
the coffee shop coffee.
Julie, we have no coffee,
you're saying.
- We've got milk.
- Okay.
I'll go on out. You know what?
I'd like to.
Just get some fresh air
and take in
some of that sea salt
in my face.
That would be good.
Yeah, you would enjoy it.
- Then we can talk about the blanket.
- Absolutely.
- The fact that you're making somebody...
- It's fine.
...do that for coffee--
You honestly think I'm
making him go get coffee?
Are you serious?!
- What the hell is wrong with you?
- Me? What's wrong with you?
- Are you fucking blind?
- You're stopping in the middle of the street.
That's not the middle of the street.
I'm at the red light.
Just super.
Thank you very much.
- What were you thinking?
- My fault?
- You turn right on the red.
- No, you don't--
Hey, uh, sorry, sorry.
I don't want to interrupt,
but I did see what happened
from the pavement there.
Please tell her. You turn
right on a right-hand lane.
Well, this is what happened,
if you want to know
what happened.
What happened was
that you were traveling
between 11 and 13
miles per hour.
You didn't leave yourself
adequate braking distance.
She was stopped at a red light
and you didn't notice
because you were texting.
- I was not texting.
- You're still texting right now.
I'm e-mailing to let people know I was
late because of what you just did.
You're supposed
to turn right on a red.
That sign actually means
there's no right turn on red.
What are you, the superstar witness
traffic leprechaun or something?
- Did you just call me a leprechaun?
- I called you a leprechaun.
Faith and Begorrah,
you can't turn right on a red.
I'm twice the height
of a leprechaun!
Then you're a tall leprechaun.
I need your information.
Okay, all right.
Big neck!
Just take a step back.
I might be too tall
to be a leprechaun,
but I'm exactly
the right size and build
to be in the British Special
Forces, which I am.
In Redondo Beach
on a recon mission.
But I can take 10 minutes out
to crush you like a twig
if you don't just chill out,
rein in the mythical racism,
and be polite to the lady
who you just rear-ended.
You know what?
I don't have time for this.
I'll pay for it.
That's my information.
Okay, great.
Good, yeah.
That's more like it.
Ha ha.
Fuck.
- You all right?
- Uh-huh, yeah. I-- well...
Yeah, I'm like that.
Um... I'm not really
in the Special Forces.
I'm afraid of cats.
But take my number.
I could be a witness
or something.
- Yeah?
- Can you just hold those for--
- Yeah. Thank you.
- You can take a sip out of--
Here it is.
- My name is Tom.
- I'm Ally.
- Ally.
- Yeah.
I've written Ally.
- That's my name, yeah.
- Which is not my name, so that's a good start.
- Really, thank you for coming to--
- Hey, don't worry.
There you go.
So just call me, Ally.
Uh, so-- oh, coffee.
Thank you.
I will try you.
Try me.
I'm good to go.
Okay.
Thank you again.
I...
At your service.
I'm not really in the army.
Honey, this package
is incredible.
- It has a Turkish spa and it--
- Knock, knock.
- Hey!
- Hey.
Sorry, I'm so--
these are gonna be so cold.
It's okay. I was a little
worried about you,
but I'm glad you made it back.
No, I was fine.
I was just-- I had a--
I was enjoying the sea air.
That's what you should do.
When you're right on the
water, that's what you do.
Hey, before I forget, let's
get your uniform figured out.
Which one caught your eye?
I don't care.
The red one?
Oh, the Zouave.
Good eye.
That's gonna be great for you.
Here you go, Tom.
There's your musket.
And my firearm.
Oh...
I'm starting to get
fired up, man.
- This is the time where I just
really feel it, you know? - Yeah.
I mean, you're about
to live history right here.
I don't look like
a Russian dancing bear?
It's nothing like that.
That's honored.
- He does look like that.
- That's 5th New York.
- This is an honored regiment.
- Okay.
Let me give you a couple of
things that'll help you out,
make it a little bit more fun.
You might have someone
that's called a stitch Nazi
who'll wanna kind of
pick over your outfit.
You know, they might
go over this or like this--
"Oh, I don't like that
because that's not proper."
The obvious one is the sunglasses.
That's farby.
Okay? Farby is
"far from being authentic."
- Okay.
- Yeah.
And he's not wearing socks.
It's just the size
of the uniform.
It looks weird to me.
It would cover.
It would cover.
- And then--
- Gentlemen.
- Hey!
- Hello.
- Morning.
- General Krupp, how are you, sir?
- Very good, sir.
- Hi.
You know what?
A salute will be fine.
- All right.
- Yes.
Oh, got some very exciting news
about your
great-great-grandfather.
- Oh, that's great.
- You know what?
I've got to go plan a battle,
but maybe we can meet up later.
- You got it.
- Okay, excellent.
There we go.
Oh, you're gonna lose the
sunglasses and you've got no socks.
Ma'am.
That's why I was saying
something like that
could happen, you know,
pretty easily.
We need to talk.
What?
We need to talk?
Hey, is there anywhere I could
get a breakfast burrito?
Uh, yeah.
Glen's Sutlery.
Next to it is Rico's.
He's usually got
stuff like that.
Okay, cool.
You want anything?
- No, I'm good.
- All right.
See you later.
What do we need to talk about?
I told you I wanted
to be a nurse
and I'm the only
prostitute here.
I think you look incredible.
I don't believe it.
And I don't look incredible.
- You look so hot.
- No, I don't.
No, it looks great.
- What the--
You have got to be joking.
Look at yourself. You're going
to make an ass of yourself.
- We can't have two--
- Now you may go.
- You need to--
- Just shut, okay?
You're leaving
and I am staying here.
- I drove--
- I'm the president!
- I'm not leaving.
- You are free to go.
- Let me tell you something.
- I free you!
Emancipate this, motherfucker!
- You want a piece of me?
- Don't you fuckin' do that to me.
I'm--
You're out--
you're out of here.
That really hurts.
That really hurts.
Colonel Rivers is gonna march his
battalion in in columns of companies.
He's gonna maneuver around,
take a line at the fence.
Your Confederate division
is going to attack the fence,
which we will defend.
- Harvey?
- Yeah.
This is all well and good,
but when you take a hit,
you gotta go down.
- Oh, we're gonna go there.
- Seriously. Yes, we are gonna go there.
No, we go down.
We go down every time.
No, I've got guys that are driving
in from Antioch for six hours
and they're not gonna
go down in one second.
Very simply, more of your
guys have to go down
than my guys have to go
down because we win.
I understand that.
There's nothing that kills
a reenactment quicker
than live soldiers
running around.
- You gotta go down.
- How about killing a reenactment
by the open drunkenness
that you guys have last time?
You were drinking so much,
you didn't know where you were.
Guys were reenacting
battles from "Braveheart,"
not the Civil War.
And easy on the gunpowder
in the cannons.
They're setting off
the car alarms
and then I lose the permit.
That was too much.
We won't drink this time.
Yeah, I mean, it would
be easy to scoff
at the sight of hundreds
of grown men
putting on costumes
and playing war,
but I'm no different.
My great-great-grandfather
fought in this war
where 600,000 men died.
He fought for both sides.
Which is something I'll
probably keep to myself.
But the truth is
they're here to remember.
And there's nothing wrong
with that.
Sorry, I'm just keeping an eye
on the queue
for the corn dog stand.
Shoulder arms!
Forward march.
To those of
you who do not die,
you will smell
the bowels of death...
for many of us will fall today.
I will not.
But over time,
most of you will die.
So fear not death.
In fact, turn to the
proud soldier beside you
and say, "So long."
- So long.
- So long, Rick.
We are such a fine unit
that we fear nothing.
In fact, to us, we are so
confident, we whistle--
whistle tunes that give us
comfort and courage.
Let me hear you whistle.
Music, gentlemen.
Music.
Fire!
Fire!
- Fire!
- Company, charge!
Keep in line, keep in line.
- We're gonna kill them?
- Yeah. Don't point.
- I feel my hay fever kicking in.
- Yeah, that'll be fine later.
Rear rank, ready!
- Fire!
- Jesus Christ!
Ready, aim...
- Firing by battalion.
- ...fire!
- Front rank, ready!
- Here we go. That's us.
Aim!
- Fire!
- Whoa!
- Load quickly, gentlemen.
- Oh, shit.
- Oh, yeah, it's-- oh!
- Firing by battalion.
- Oh, Jesus!
- You all right?
- Fire!
- Ah-- you got hit.
Okay.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
- Fire!
- Yeah, it's the ticker.
- It's good, isn't it?
- Shh, you're dead. You're dead.
- Did you see my death?
- Okay. Yeah, I saw it. Don't talk.
Fire!
- That was fun.
- Yeah.
Everybody's so serious, though.
- Yeah, but you're dead now.
- Okay.
Dying.
How long do we have
to pretend to be dead?
- You gotta be quiet.
- I have to pee.
No, you don't go to the
bathroom during the battle.
There's a Portaloo right there.
I'm gonna go do a little
pee and a little poo.
- No, don't do it.
- I'll be right back.
No, Tom.
- Oh, shoot.
- What is that?
- Oh, come on!
- It's all right.
Hello?
Hey, Bea!
Everything all right?
No, I'm just going mental here.
She's contemplating suicide.
No, it's not that bad,
but, I mean,
- London's just a stinkhole.
- Yeah.
I've decided to come out with
Pete and visit you in LA.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, no, that's fine.
I'll just-- let me make
sure with Al and Kitty
that you can stay with them,
but that should be fine.
Shh, shh, shh.
No, it's not.
It's, um-- it's war here.
Sorry, I can't hear you.
There's, like, bombs or something,
sounds like, on the line.
- I'm being shot at.
- Hang up.
- Bea.
- Get off.
No, no, it's just
I'm supposed to be dead,
so I have to be quiet.
- Is he on drugs?
- Okay, I'll see you soon.
All right.
Cheerio.
- That was my sister Bea.
- I got it. Just be quiet.
- She's coming over. You'll meet her.
- Okay, yeah, yeah.
- I'm gonna go and do a pee.
- No, no. Don't go. You're dead.
- Here's what's gonna happen.
- You can't just--
I'm just gonna go over and
do a wee and then come back.
Seriously, don't even
think about it.
- Nature. It's nature.
- Come here.
I'll never get invited back.
Come here.
Oh, flip.
- This is just silly.
- All right, all right.
- Twiddly dums in here.
- Have a seat, prisoner.
All right.
This is ludi--
I mean, you didn't
even tie these.
You put that back on!
- All right.
- Shut your mouth.
I caught 'em rollin' around
in the field, squirrely-like.
We were not doing anything
in the field.
I just want to use
the bathroom.
He had to go to the bathroom.
- Yankee trash.
- That's just rude.
We're all just trying
to have a nice day.
- Don't you eyeball me.
- This is a civil war.
Can you try and be civil?
Ow, ow, ow.
Oh!
Oh!
Murdered by
a common camp whore.
I am going to school
for oceanography, okay?
And I wanted to be a nurse.
- So...
- That was incredible.
I always knew that
you would kill for me.
Well enjoined, sir.
Well enjoined.
General Bukowsky,
a fine day, yes.
Yes, well, we may have
lost the battle, but...
Lost it, yeah.
- Anyway.
- Mm-hmm.
Can I ask you something?
Is it hard to keep
doing the same battle
when you know that
you're on the wrong side?
Sir?
Well, you're pro-slavery,
you know what I mean?
Sir, you came into our
homes, you ate our chickens,
and you sucked
the teats of our cows.
And you were not invited.
Not invited.
You have a good day, Phil.
Why'd you go there?
Somebody told me
he was a hairdresser.
Yeah, he is.
He's a great hairdresser.
But here, he's a general.
Okay, I got something
for you, all right?
In here I have
two intercepted letters
from your
great-great-grandfather
and I have a photo--
a photo of your
great-great-grandmother.
I think this will
explain everything.
Oh, that's so great.
Thank you.
- You're very welcome.
- Sir!
I bow to you.
Why--
why do you do this?
- It just feels right in the outfit.
- I guess so.
A gold mine.
A gold mine, I tell you, Al.
Just the information we've got.
In this one, it explains
the whole uniform thing.
Essentially, Charles lived
in Washington, DC,
and he fell in love with
Rebecca, who was in Virginia.
And then the Civil War
broke out.
- Okay.
- And they were separated.
So to get through enemy lines,
he got both uniforms.
Didn't really care
who won the war.
- Don't know why.
- So he went out
and got two
totally different outfits
and then went to be with her?
- Exactly.
- And did she know that he did all that changing?
- She didn't know that.
- That's so romantic.
- That is so sweet.
- How cute is that?
- That's really sweet.
- That's a sweet story.
To change his outfit
like that for her.
- Yeah.
- And then where'd they go? Did they get married?
Well, okay,
this is interesting.
This is a letter
from Charles to Rebecca.
April 4th, 1862.
"My dearest, upon
receiving your letter,
the dark skies have
given way to sunshine."
Oh, my God, it was so
rainy and everything.
"I cannot, however, forget
the unforgivable manner
in which my father and mother
have cast dispersions on you.
To have said,
'She is of mixed blood
and therefore outside
the purview of our class,'
incites the most foul
emotions within me.
We must therefore leave
this wretched place
and marry in a new land
which welcomes us."
So, like, they eloped.
- They eloped.
- That is so sweet.
That's-- yeah.
That's one explanation.
Well, look at this.
- She's just beautiful.
- Yeah.
So they went to England and
they took the horse with her?
She looks very attached to it.
I've gotta tell
you, Kitty, I don't have
as much information
as I'd like about the horse.
This is interesting.
The shadow falling
from the horse
is headed that way,
and then there are shadows
from those bushes
going in what seems to be
the opposite direction.
You know, when I was
on the battlefield today,
I saw a lot of things.
I saw life happen.
I saw death happen.
I saw people pissing
themselves willy-nilly.
And it's sad to think
we thought that Charles
had dodged that.
We thought that
our great-grandfather
was some kind of a coward,
a turncoat,
but we were wrong.
He was a big old romantic.
And brave as a boot.
And I think that
he'd be proud to know
that that particular fruit
didn't fall far from the tree.
Because when a Chadwick
sees fear...
...he doesn't run.
He looks it in the eye
and he--
Fuck off.
♪ But I never really
had a clue ♪
♪ How to love a girl like you ♪
♪ Two true believers ♪
♪ We devised ♪
♪ A temporary paradise ♪
♪ Now our future
is in the past ♪
♪ I should have known ♪
♪ It wouldn't last ♪
♪ I should have been
a better man ♪
♪ You could have been
a better friend ♪
♪ I'm alone, but that's okay ♪
♪ I guess the dice ♪
♪ Just rolled that way. ♪
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
Hello?
Oh, hello.
Is that Thomas Chadwick?
Yep.
Hello.
This is Brian.
Hi, Pete.
I'm calling--
you did--
You know what gave it away
was that you just sounded
like yourself.
You didn't even put on a voice.
I did.
I was doing a voice.
I was doing
my insurance person voice.
Anyway, how are you?
- I'm really great!
- Are you in America?
Is it hot and sunny?
Are there girls in bikinis?
- Have you got a suntan yet?
- Kinda.
Oh, lucky sod.
Anyway, I've got
your mail here.
Oh, that's great.
Thanks.
- Do you want me to go through it?
- Uh...
Crap, crap,
fast food, crap,
bollocks.
Oh, Clancy Lorimer Insurers?
Ooh.
Open that one.
All right.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Here we go.
"Dear Mr. Chadwick..."
duh duh duh duh duh.
"We are pleased to inform you
that you have been
selected to interview
for the position
of crash analyst
in our crash investigation
department."
Get in!
Get in, my beauty.
That's great!
When is it?
Uh, it's a week
after you get back.
Bring that letter with you
when you get in.
- Yeah, all right.
- When do you get in?
I'm flying into LA
on the Thursday
and I'm getting in
about 10:00.
Okay, great.
Flying into LA.
All right, then?
Are you there?
- Tom?
- Let's do this.
Tom? Are you there?
Tom?
Hello.
Oh.
Okay.
- Morning, Tom.
- Hey.
- How'd you sleep?
- Great. I slept great.
Good.
I was doing a little
rummaging around the attic
and look what I found.
Oh, it's Charles.
Yeah, your
great-great-grandfather.
- That's so great.
- In a different uniform.
- It is?
- Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
It's a little lighter.
He's wearing
the Confederacy uniform.
That's the uniform
for the other side.
- Oh, that's not the same uniform?
- No. No, no, no.
- Oh, that's interesting.
- Yeah, isn't it?
You're sure it's not--?
Maybe they just had
different uniforms--
No, no, no.
Rebel cap, Rebel uniform.
That's what it is.
- Button missing, too, here.
- Yeah.
He's bad at needlework.
Maybe.
Maybe.
- Fascinating.
- It's a mystery is what it is.
Somebody here thinks
it's a coincidence
that he lost one button
from each jacket?
- That part is interesting.
- And then found them later?
Are these the actual buttons?
- Those are the buttons.
- Oh, my God, those are so pretty.
Well, that's why they're not on
there, 'cause you guys have them.
I've got another theory.
He left two days
after Lincoln was shot.
How nice would it be to have
two different uniforms
to pass freely?
I'm sorry, Al.
You think he's a double agent?
Maybe triple.
David, why don't you have
a look at this?
Well, I don't know much
about the historical part
of the war itself,
but I do know that obviously
he's a man in the Confederacy.
And the thing I see
more than anything else
that I noticed,
'cause I'm not a uniform expert,
is I look at his hands.
We used to call this
gnarly hands.
- Gnarly--
- Gnarly hands, yeah.
This is from fear--
from fear of being in battle.
When you're fighting,
your hands get all
kind of rigor mortized
like that.
And, you know, in the old days,
they'd say,
"Hey, gnarly hands!"
Across the street
they'd yell at him.
And he was--
that was embarrassing.
But it's for a good cause,
because look--
he has no ill will.
He's a nice-looking boy.
He's our relative.
I have heard the term
"gnarly hands" before.
I actually have
a friend that is--
well, I'm into this
a little bit.
A bit of a passion of mine
is Civil War reenactment.
- He's really good at it.
- And really fun to do.
You're living,
you know, history.
How does he have access
to the opponent's uniform?
Let me talk to my buddy.
I've got to drop Julie off
at her spinning class.
- If the hands comes up, great.
- Okay.
But it would be great to know
why he's wearing
either of the things.
- Can I see that one, Dave?
- I can promise you there's a reason.
- There they are.
- Harvey, good to see you again.
- Good to see you, pal.
- This is Tom.
- Tom!
- That's right.
Nice to meet you.
Come on in.
- Thanks very much.
- I love the cannon.
Thanks.
I just got it.
It's an 1861 Napoleon.
Come on in, guys.
Have a seat.
I'm telling you, Harvey,
that cannon looks brand-new.
- Is that a new coat of paint?
- It is.
- Doesn't it look good?
- God, it looks great.
And I got new 12-pounders
for it, too.
- Oh, those 12-pounders fire off.
- Yeah.
- When's the last time you fired it?
- Once a weekend.
- Yeah.
- In the morning, early. Annoy the neighbors.
- Yeah.
- That's great.
Neighbors are the worst.
You are not gonna believe the
stuff that Tom has to show you.
- This stuff's incredible.
- So this is a picture
of my great-great-grandfather
Charles Chadwick.
All right, this is
Charles Chadwick, huh?
Okay. I see.
A Union man. Good.
But here is also a picture
of my great-great-grandfather
Charles Chadwick.
Well, that's very interesting.
Okay. Wow.
And some buttons.
Really?
Now, I see he's missing
a button on each uniform.
Yeah.
Yeah, there we go--
Confederate and Union.
I want to look something up.
I-- I'm privy
to an online site
- that a lot of people don't get to see.
- Oh, cool.
- They're almost like official war documents.
- Do they look like normal--
No, they don't look like
anything you'd see,
so it's kind of
a waste of time.
Even taking a peek, it'd be all
spaghetti and mushrooms to you.
Let me do the grunt work here.
Charles Chadwick--
there it is.
Union-- Union soldier.
Unlisted, yep.
And there, sure enough,
Confederate.
- Charles Chadwick.
- Whoa.
Yeah, both sides.
Oh, wow, wow.
Oh. Look at this.
Okay, so, he fought
for the Union side
and the Confederate side,
both in the same battle--
the Battle of Huntersville.
That's not even poss--
but how would you do that?
Yeah, what do you do?
Excuse yourself to go change?
- I mean...
- I'm just gonna throw this out there.
- Yeah.
- What if he was a spy?
A spy?
But for who?
You tell me.
Your machine.
Well, I'll do what I can.
I'll put--
- Put it in.
- Oh, you know what I'm getting?
And I've never gotten this.
- I got a question mark.
- What does that mean?
It doesn't know.
It's never seen this before.
- You've jammed the whole system with this.
- I'm getting synonyms.
I'm getting traitor,
deserter, coward.
Okay. Don't bother. Don't worry.
You know what?
Let me dig into this.
We've got a reenactment
coming up this weekend.
- Rick, what do you think?
- Yeah, Tom, you gotta do one of these.
- That would be great.
- This is the real thing.
- You're welcome to come if you'd like.
- I would love that. Thank you.
If you do that, then I'll show
up with some information and--
'cause I'll tell you, where
there's smoke, there's fire.
And you got a blaze
happening here, my friend.
It's so great you can
come by and see our place here.
Yeah, this is great.
Come on in.
- Ooh.
- So... yeah, this is it.
- Lovely.
- This is it.
Isn't this great?
You need to look no further
than the ocean view.
Isn't that nice?
No, see, there's a house
in front of it.
That-- if the house wasn't--
the tree blocks a little
and the house
blocks most of it,
- but the ocean's right there.
- Oh, right.
So if that was
an invisible house,
that would be a sea view.
Hypothetically, sure.
But if that house isn't there,
180-degree view
of the Pacific.
It's why you pay California
state tax right there.
- Ah, lovely.
- It's right there.
Can you feel the sea air
just coming in?
- I think I can.
- Yeah? Yeah.
But you can't see it.
You can't see it.
- Not at all.
- But you really feel the ocean.
Hey, look.
A three-legged dog.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Actually, we get a lot of them
here in Redondo Beach.
It's really quite spectacular.
Hey, what do you think
of my owls?
Oh, sweet Lord.
Yeah.
They're pretty amazing.
She actually-- she'll name
them all for you, if you want.
- You have so many owls.
- Chachi's a new one.
Hey, let me show you the stuff
that we're gonna be taking
over to the reenactment.
You gotta check this out, man.
I got some great stuff.
- Show him Clover.
- Clover's right there.
Clover's got
the big orange eyes
that almost look like
it's an infection.
Come on back here.
Let me show you--
I'll make you guys some coffee.
Okay. Sounds good, hon.
Thanks.
Hey, guys.
This is really the coolest
spot in the whole house.
- Holy moly!
- Yeah.
See this right here?
This is an authentic replica
of an actual Civil War blanket.
- A blanket.
- Yeah. Isn't that amazing?
- That is something else.
- Yeah, and this is a forage cap.
- Oh.
- Right here.
And see, the reason it's
different than a kepi--
because this actually--
you would take the--
- Big gun!
- It is, it is.
- That's actually a musket.
- Oh, my God, it's heavy.
- It is.
- You could just-- uh!
That would happen in war.
You never know.
Normally you would--
no, no, no.
Don't ever put your mouth
near the barrel.
Why don't we go ahead
and put that back
because I don't know for sure
that that's been cleared
since my last battle.
- Great costumes.
- Yeah.
Those actually aren't costumes.
We refer to them as uniforms.
- Yeah.
- So take a gander, see what you think.
- Ah, green.
- Yeah, I can see why it stood out.
This is actually
a Union sharpshooter.
You couldn't wear this, though.
You would need to train
extensively.
- Even for the reenactment?
- Especially for--
- It's just make-believe.
- We had a friend of ours last week--
- he's fine now, but they're--
- Hey.
Hi.
- What's up?
- We're out of coffee.
Wasn't it your
turn to do the shopping?
Why would we be out of coffee?
You have six hours a day
to go shopping.
How dare you?
I don't.
I have four hours a day
to go shopping.
K-Cups-- do we have any K-Cups left?
Even that?
You know what? Why don't I just
run out and get us some coffee?
No, no.
You don't need to do that.
No coffee's better than
the coffee shop coffee.
Julie, we have no coffee,
you're saying.
- We've got milk.
- Okay.
I'll go on out. You know what?
I'd like to.
Just get some fresh air
and take in
some of that sea salt
in my face.
That would be good.
Yeah, you would enjoy it.
- Then we can talk about the blanket.
- Absolutely.
- The fact that you're making somebody...
- It's fine.
...do that for coffee--
You honestly think I'm
making him go get coffee?
Are you serious?!
- What the hell is wrong with you?
- Me? What's wrong with you?
- Are you fucking blind?
- You're stopping in the middle of the street.
That's not the middle of the street.
I'm at the red light.
Just super.
Thank you very much.
- What were you thinking?
- My fault?
- You turn right on the red.
- No, you don't--
Hey, uh, sorry, sorry.
I don't want to interrupt,
but I did see what happened
from the pavement there.
Please tell her. You turn
right on a right-hand lane.
Well, this is what happened,
if you want to know
what happened.
What happened was
that you were traveling
between 11 and 13
miles per hour.
You didn't leave yourself
adequate braking distance.
She was stopped at a red light
and you didn't notice
because you were texting.
- I was not texting.
- You're still texting right now.
I'm e-mailing to let people know I was
late because of what you just did.
You're supposed
to turn right on a red.
That sign actually means
there's no right turn on red.
What are you, the superstar witness
traffic leprechaun or something?
- Did you just call me a leprechaun?
- I called you a leprechaun.
Faith and Begorrah,
you can't turn right on a red.
I'm twice the height
of a leprechaun!
Then you're a tall leprechaun.
I need your information.
Okay, all right.
Big neck!
Just take a step back.
I might be too tall
to be a leprechaun,
but I'm exactly
the right size and build
to be in the British Special
Forces, which I am.
In Redondo Beach
on a recon mission.
But I can take 10 minutes out
to crush you like a twig
if you don't just chill out,
rein in the mythical racism,
and be polite to the lady
who you just rear-ended.
You know what?
I don't have time for this.
I'll pay for it.
That's my information.
Okay, great.
Good, yeah.
That's more like it.
Ha ha.
Fuck.
- You all right?
- Uh-huh, yeah. I-- well...
Yeah, I'm like that.
Um... I'm not really
in the Special Forces.
I'm afraid of cats.
But take my number.
I could be a witness
or something.
- Yeah?
- Can you just hold those for--
- Yeah. Thank you.
- You can take a sip out of--
Here it is.
- My name is Tom.
- I'm Ally.
- Ally.
- Yeah.
I've written Ally.
- That's my name, yeah.
- Which is not my name, so that's a good start.
- Really, thank you for coming to--
- Hey, don't worry.
There you go.
So just call me, Ally.
Uh, so-- oh, coffee.
Thank you.
I will try you.
Try me.
I'm good to go.
Okay.
Thank you again.
I...
At your service.
I'm not really in the army.
Honey, this package
is incredible.
- It has a Turkish spa and it--
- Knock, knock.
- Hey!
- Hey.
Sorry, I'm so--
these are gonna be so cold.
It's okay. I was a little
worried about you,
but I'm glad you made it back.
No, I was fine.
I was just-- I had a--
I was enjoying the sea air.
That's what you should do.
When you're right on the
water, that's what you do.
Hey, before I forget, let's
get your uniform figured out.
Which one caught your eye?
I don't care.
The red one?
Oh, the Zouave.
Good eye.
That's gonna be great for you.
Here you go, Tom.
There's your musket.
And my firearm.
Oh...
I'm starting to get
fired up, man.
- This is the time where I just
really feel it, you know? - Yeah.
I mean, you're about
to live history right here.
I don't look like
a Russian dancing bear?
It's nothing like that.
That's honored.
- He does look like that.
- That's 5th New York.
- This is an honored regiment.
- Okay.
Let me give you a couple of
things that'll help you out,
make it a little bit more fun.
You might have someone
that's called a stitch Nazi
who'll wanna kind of
pick over your outfit.
You know, they might
go over this or like this--
"Oh, I don't like that
because that's not proper."
The obvious one is the sunglasses.
That's farby.
Okay? Farby is
"far from being authentic."
- Okay.
- Yeah.
And he's not wearing socks.
It's just the size
of the uniform.
It looks weird to me.
It would cover.
It would cover.
- And then--
- Gentlemen.
- Hey!
- Hello.
- Morning.
- General Krupp, how are you, sir?
- Very good, sir.
- Hi.
You know what?
A salute will be fine.
- All right.
- Yes.
Oh, got some very exciting news
about your
great-great-grandfather.
- Oh, that's great.
- You know what?
I've got to go plan a battle,
but maybe we can meet up later.
- You got it.
- Okay, excellent.
There we go.
Oh, you're gonna lose the
sunglasses and you've got no socks.
Ma'am.
That's why I was saying
something like that
could happen, you know,
pretty easily.
We need to talk.
What?
We need to talk?
Hey, is there anywhere I could
get a breakfast burrito?
Uh, yeah.
Glen's Sutlery.
Next to it is Rico's.
He's usually got
stuff like that.
Okay, cool.
You want anything?
- No, I'm good.
- All right.
See you later.
What do we need to talk about?
I told you I wanted
to be a nurse
and I'm the only
prostitute here.
I think you look incredible.
I don't believe it.
And I don't look incredible.
- You look so hot.
- No, I don't.
No, it looks great.
- What the--
You have got to be joking.
Look at yourself. You're going
to make an ass of yourself.
- We can't have two--
- Now you may go.
- You need to--
- Just shut, okay?
You're leaving
and I am staying here.
- I drove--
- I'm the president!
- I'm not leaving.
- You are free to go.
- Let me tell you something.
- I free you!
Emancipate this, motherfucker!
- You want a piece of me?
- Don't you fuckin' do that to me.
I'm--
You're out--
you're out of here.
That really hurts.
That really hurts.
Colonel Rivers is gonna march his
battalion in in columns of companies.
He's gonna maneuver around,
take a line at the fence.
Your Confederate division
is going to attack the fence,
which we will defend.
- Harvey?
- Yeah.
This is all well and good,
but when you take a hit,
you gotta go down.
- Oh, we're gonna go there.
- Seriously. Yes, we are gonna go there.
No, we go down.
We go down every time.
No, I've got guys that are driving
in from Antioch for six hours
and they're not gonna
go down in one second.
Very simply, more of your
guys have to go down
than my guys have to go
down because we win.
I understand that.
There's nothing that kills
a reenactment quicker
than live soldiers
running around.
- You gotta go down.
- How about killing a reenactment
by the open drunkenness
that you guys have last time?
You were drinking so much,
you didn't know where you were.
Guys were reenacting
battles from "Braveheart,"
not the Civil War.
And easy on the gunpowder
in the cannons.
They're setting off
the car alarms
and then I lose the permit.
That was too much.
We won't drink this time.
Yeah, I mean, it would
be easy to scoff
at the sight of hundreds
of grown men
putting on costumes
and playing war,
but I'm no different.
My great-great-grandfather
fought in this war
where 600,000 men died.
He fought for both sides.
Which is something I'll
probably keep to myself.
But the truth is
they're here to remember.
And there's nothing wrong
with that.
Sorry, I'm just keeping an eye
on the queue
for the corn dog stand.
Shoulder arms!
Forward march.
To those of
you who do not die,
you will smell
the bowels of death...
for many of us will fall today.
I will not.
But over time,
most of you will die.
So fear not death.
In fact, turn to the
proud soldier beside you
and say, "So long."
- So long.
- So long, Rick.
We are such a fine unit
that we fear nothing.
In fact, to us, we are so
confident, we whistle--
whistle tunes that give us
comfort and courage.
Let me hear you whistle.
Music, gentlemen.
Music.
Fire!
Fire!
- Fire!
- Company, charge!
Keep in line, keep in line.
- We're gonna kill them?
- Yeah. Don't point.
- I feel my hay fever kicking in.
- Yeah, that'll be fine later.
Rear rank, ready!
- Fire!
- Jesus Christ!
Ready, aim...
- Firing by battalion.
- ...fire!
- Front rank, ready!
- Here we go. That's us.
Aim!
- Fire!
- Whoa!
- Load quickly, gentlemen.
- Oh, shit.
- Oh, yeah, it's-- oh!
- Firing by battalion.
- Oh, Jesus!
- You all right?
- Fire!
- Ah-- you got hit.
Okay.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
- Fire!
- Yeah, it's the ticker.
- It's good, isn't it?
- Shh, you're dead. You're dead.
- Did you see my death?
- Okay. Yeah, I saw it. Don't talk.
Fire!
- That was fun.
- Yeah.
Everybody's so serious, though.
- Yeah, but you're dead now.
- Okay.
Dying.
How long do we have
to pretend to be dead?
- You gotta be quiet.
- I have to pee.
No, you don't go to the
bathroom during the battle.
There's a Portaloo right there.
I'm gonna go do a little
pee and a little poo.
- No, don't do it.
- I'll be right back.
No, Tom.
- Oh, shoot.
- What is that?
- Oh, come on!
- It's all right.
Hello?
Hey, Bea!
Everything all right?
No, I'm just going mental here.
She's contemplating suicide.
No, it's not that bad,
but, I mean,
- London's just a stinkhole.
- Yeah.
I've decided to come out with
Pete and visit you in LA.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, no, that's fine.
I'll just-- let me make
sure with Al and Kitty
that you can stay with them,
but that should be fine.
Shh, shh, shh.
No, it's not.
It's, um-- it's war here.
Sorry, I can't hear you.
There's, like, bombs or something,
sounds like, on the line.
- I'm being shot at.
- Hang up.
- Bea.
- Get off.
No, no, it's just
I'm supposed to be dead,
so I have to be quiet.
- Is he on drugs?
- Okay, I'll see you soon.
All right.
Cheerio.
- That was my sister Bea.
- I got it. Just be quiet.
- She's coming over. You'll meet her.
- Okay, yeah, yeah.
- I'm gonna go and do a pee.
- No, no. Don't go. You're dead.
- Here's what's gonna happen.
- You can't just--
I'm just gonna go over and
do a wee and then come back.
Seriously, don't even
think about it.
- Nature. It's nature.
- Come here.
I'll never get invited back.
Come here.
Oh, flip.
- This is just silly.
- All right, all right.
- Twiddly dums in here.
- Have a seat, prisoner.
All right.
This is ludi--
I mean, you didn't
even tie these.
You put that back on!
- All right.
- Shut your mouth.
I caught 'em rollin' around
in the field, squirrely-like.
We were not doing anything
in the field.
I just want to use
the bathroom.
He had to go to the bathroom.
- Yankee trash.
- That's just rude.
We're all just trying
to have a nice day.
- Don't you eyeball me.
- This is a civil war.
Can you try and be civil?
Ow, ow, ow.
Oh!
Oh!
Murdered by
a common camp whore.
I am going to school
for oceanography, okay?
And I wanted to be a nurse.
- So...
- That was incredible.
I always knew that
you would kill for me.
Well enjoined, sir.
Well enjoined.
General Bukowsky,
a fine day, yes.
Yes, well, we may have
lost the battle, but...
Lost it, yeah.
- Anyway.
- Mm-hmm.
Can I ask you something?
Is it hard to keep
doing the same battle
when you know that
you're on the wrong side?
Sir?
Well, you're pro-slavery,
you know what I mean?
Sir, you came into our
homes, you ate our chickens,
and you sucked
the teats of our cows.
And you were not invited.
Not invited.
You have a good day, Phil.
Why'd you go there?
Somebody told me
he was a hairdresser.
Yeah, he is.
He's a great hairdresser.
But here, he's a general.
Okay, I got something
for you, all right?
In here I have
two intercepted letters
from your
great-great-grandfather
and I have a photo--
a photo of your
great-great-grandmother.
I think this will
explain everything.
Oh, that's so great.
Thank you.
- You're very welcome.
- Sir!
I bow to you.
Why--
why do you do this?
- It just feels right in the outfit.
- I guess so.
A gold mine.
A gold mine, I tell you, Al.
Just the information we've got.
In this one, it explains
the whole uniform thing.
Essentially, Charles lived
in Washington, DC,
and he fell in love with
Rebecca, who was in Virginia.
And then the Civil War
broke out.
- Okay.
- And they were separated.
So to get through enemy lines,
he got both uniforms.
Didn't really care
who won the war.
- Don't know why.
- So he went out
and got two
totally different outfits
and then went to be with her?
- Exactly.
- And did she know that he did all that changing?
- She didn't know that.
- That's so romantic.
- That is so sweet.
- How cute is that?
- That's really sweet.
- That's a sweet story.
To change his outfit
like that for her.
- Yeah.
- And then where'd they go? Did they get married?
Well, okay,
this is interesting.
This is a letter
from Charles to Rebecca.
April 4th, 1862.
"My dearest, upon
receiving your letter,
the dark skies have
given way to sunshine."
Oh, my God, it was so
rainy and everything.
"I cannot, however, forget
the unforgivable manner
in which my father and mother
have cast dispersions on you.
To have said,
'She is of mixed blood
and therefore outside
the purview of our class,'
incites the most foul
emotions within me.
We must therefore leave
this wretched place
and marry in a new land
which welcomes us."
So, like, they eloped.
- They eloped.
- That is so sweet.
That's-- yeah.
That's one explanation.
Well, look at this.
- She's just beautiful.
- Yeah.
So they went to England and
they took the horse with her?
She looks very attached to it.
I've gotta tell
you, Kitty, I don't have
as much information
as I'd like about the horse.
This is interesting.
The shadow falling
from the horse
is headed that way,
and then there are shadows
from those bushes
going in what seems to be
the opposite direction.
You know, when I was
on the battlefield today,
I saw a lot of things.
I saw life happen.
I saw death happen.
I saw people pissing
themselves willy-nilly.
And it's sad to think
we thought that Charles
had dodged that.
We thought that
our great-grandfather
was some kind of a coward,
a turncoat,
but we were wrong.
He was a big old romantic.
And brave as a boot.
And I think that
he'd be proud to know
that that particular fruit
didn't fall far from the tree.
Because when a Chadwick
sees fear...
...he doesn't run.
He looks it in the eye
and he--
Fuck off.
♪ But I never really
had a clue ♪
♪ How to love a girl like you ♪
♪ Two true believers ♪
♪ We devised ♪
♪ A temporary paradise ♪
♪ Now our future
is in the past ♪
♪ I should have known ♪
♪ It wouldn't last ♪
♪ I should have been
a better man ♪
♪ You could have been
a better friend ♪
♪ I'm alone, but that's okay ♪
♪ I guess the dice ♪
♪ Just rolled that way. ♪