Family Matters (1989–1998): Season 3, Episode 22 - The Urkel Who Came to Dinner - full transcript

Urkel is invited to stay with the Winslows when the nerd's parents go out of town ... and quickly causes plenty of chaos. He drives Laura's study partner away, convinces Richie to get into a fight with a preschool bully, and accidentally vacuums up Lt. Murtaugh's fish that Carl was baby-sitting.

Here fishy, fishy. Chow time.

- Can I feed the fish?
- No, no, no. No, sir.

Nobody comes near this fish.

- Dad, what's the big deal?
- It belongs to Lieutenant Murtagh.

I'm fishy-sitting while he's in Las Vegas,
searching for the future Mrs. Murtagh.

He may be gone a long time.

Come on, eat up, Spike.
Your food is getting wet.

Anyone care to join
us in a happy dance?

Ho! Ho! Ho!

Hey, what's up?

The Urkels are packing their car. It
looks like they're going on vacation!



Oh, yeah!

How much luggage?

Two weeks' worth, easy.

Two weeks without
Steve Urkel? Wow.

Maybe dreams
really do come true.

Ladies and gentlemen,
we have tail lights.

- The Urkels are gone!
- Yes!

Ho! Ho! Ho!

Hey, a party! Let's get
down with our bad selves.

Ho! Ho! Ho!

Steve.

We thought you were
going on vacation, Steve.

Why aren't you
on vacation, Steve?

Oh, well it would have been
inappropriate for me to join my parents.



They went on their
second honeymoon.

Oh, how romantic.
Where did they go?

Well, my mother went to
Washington to visit the Smithsonian...

and my dad went to New York to
see Clem Puddle's House Of Reptiles.

You know, several
questions come to mind here.

Oh, shoot.

Your parents are taking...

- separate second honeymoons?
- Oh, yes.

They desperately wanna avoid the tragedy
that resulted from their first honeymoon.

- What was that?
- Me.

Okay. Second question:

Why would a guy spend
his second honeymoon...

at Clem Puddle's
House of Reptiles?

Now for some unknown reason...

my father is fascinated with
animals that eat their own young.

Go figure.

So, Steve, where are you gonna be
staying while your parents are gone?

Some relative's
house far, far away?

Is that pity I hear
in your voice?

No, it's hope.

Ah. Well, my
little Fig Newton...

I'll be right next door, batching
it for the next two weeks.

So stop by. One
hunk, and no waiting.

Wait a minute.

Your parents left a 15-year-old
boy home by himself?

Boy?

I see no boy.

I see a man!

A manly man!

An Urkel man!

Okay. But I can't stand the thought of you
being in that empty house all by yourself.

You're staying with us.

Oh, well, gee, since there
don't seem to be any objections...

I'll stay, by golly.

Hey and don't worry. I
will not be a freeloader.

I intend to pull my
weight around here.

Well, that should be easy, because
I don't weigh much. Ha, ha, ha.

Got a pair of suspenders

Hike my pants way up high

Don't care if the kids bug
me 'Cause I'm a stylin' guy

I got the Urkel blues

And I gotta pay my dues

Please don't judge me Until
you walk in my saddle shoes

Oh, that was good.

Got a lady named
Laura She's mighty fine

Before the next Ice Age
I'm gonna make her mine

But I got the Urkel blues

And I gotta pay my dues

That old pocket-protecting, bug-collecting
Constant-rejection, Urkel blues

Steve.

Oh, hi, big buy. I
didn't wake you, did I?

Oh no, Steve. I came
down to sing back up.

Oh, and look, you
even woke up Spike.

Oh, you mean the
Pterophyllum scalare?

Right. I'm taking care of
it for Lieutenant Murtagh.

So that means no more late-night
blues sessions with B.B. Urkel.

Got it. Hey, and
bonsoir, big guy.

Or as they say in old Mexico:

Steve got up early this morning
and fixed us a wonderful breakfast.

- What did you make, Steve?
- Omelets.

Ooh. I love omelets. - Mm.

- What kind?
- Liver and headcheese.

Let's get out of here.

Oh, let them go. More
for us, eh, little buddy?

I'm not hungry, Uncle
Steve. I've got a problem.

Well, spit it out, Rich-meister.

There's this kid at
school who picks on me.

His name is Timmy Thompson,
but we call him the Terminator.

Oh, tough guy, huh?

One time he ate a
whole alphabet block.

Oh, boy.

He told me he'll beat me up if I don't give
him a dollar every day, starting today.

You know, I think you
should tell your mom.

I can't. She told me never to
fight, under any circle stances.

Well, tell your teacher.

She'll just make Timmy
stand in the corner for a while.

Then after school, he'll hit me
over the head with his little brother.

Why are you telling me?

I don't know. You just seem like
the kind of guy who gets beat up a lot.

Me? Beat up a lot? Well, I...

You're very perceptive.

- How do you handle bullies?
- I stand up to them.

- Don't they hit you?
- Repeatedly.

Then why stand up to them?

Richie, getting beat
up feels real bad...

but being afraid all the
time, that feels even worse.

Hi, I'm Mark. I have a
study date with Laura.

Yes. Laura told me
you'd be dropping by.

Laura is out right now,
but she's due back shortly.

Come on in, Mark...

if that's your real name.

Hey, are you Steve Urkel?

- Why, yes. How'd you know?
- You have a "Kick Me" sign on your back.

Why, those teachers
always with the darn pranks.

- Uh-uh-uh. Up, up, up.
- Huh?

Now, I'll need three forms of
identification and a thumb print.

But first, would you kindly step
into the bathroom and fill this?

What?

You object to a
random drug test?

I sure do. That's insulting.

Oh, I see.

It's all right for our nation's air
traffic controllers, but not for Mark.

If that's your real name.

Man, you're crazy.

Crazy? Crazy?

Well, apparently, we
had something to hide!

Steve! Uncle Steve!

Richie, what happened to you?

I stood up to Timmy,
the Terminator.

Guess what? He's a
sucker for a left hook.

Oh, well, way to go, Richie.

Richard Crawford, you get
up to your room right now.

- But, Mom...
- Go.

Going.

Steve, did you give
my son some advice?

Well, I believe I did...

Did you tell him that
it was okay to fight?

- Well, now, not in those exact words...
- Well, he took your advice, Steve...

and he got into a fight today.

And thanks to you, he's
been kicked out of preschool.

Steve.

- Yes, Laura, my little dust bunny?
- What did you do to my study date?

Oh, you mean, Mark,
if that's his real name.

I just said hi to him and
he crossed the street...

mumbling something about our
house having a nerd infestation.

Well, sticks and stones
may break my bones...

but I'm here and he's not, baby.

Steve, you've only been
staying here for one day...

and you've totally messed
up my life. Get a new hobby!

I can't seem to
do anything right.

Did you ever have one
of those days, Spike?

Here we go.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Spike! Spike, Spike.

Spike, Spike.

Spike. Oh, Spike.

Spike. Oh, my goodness.

Oh, no. Oh, no!

- How you doing, Steve?
- Unh! Aah!

Oh, dear!

What's wrong?

Oh, well, uh...
Steve, where's Spike?

Well, um, Carl...

I've got some bad news...

and some good news...

and some more bad news.

Spit it out.

Oh, it's a little
late for that, Carl.

Well, here goes.

You see, Carl, I... I...

I accidentally sucked Spike
up in the vacuum cleaner.

What? Oh, my God.

Carl, but the good
news is that I got him out.

Oh, thank God.

But you know that more
bad news I was talking about?

Well, I, uh... I swallowed him.

We've got to get him back.

- Oh, my God. What's your plan?
- We've gotta get him back.

Hello, Winslow. STEVE: Oh!

Lieutenant Murtagh.

You're back early
from Las Vegas.

Yeah. Yeah. So how's my fish?

Oh, well, I... Well, I...
Well, sir, I... Uh... Uh... Uh...

Lieu, lieu, lieu...

There's been a tragedy.

Something terrible has
happened to your fish.

Terrible?

Oh, there's no way to
break the news gently...

so I might as well just
come right out with the truth.

- Here goes...
- Your fish committed suicide.

- He what?
- He what?

Yes, sir, it was awful, sir.

The minute you left,
well, Spike got so very sad.

He stopped eating.

He stopped swimming.

Excuse me.

He just pressed his little
face up against the glass.

Oh, please.

Carl, stop covering for me.

Or at least do
a better job of it.

Will somebody please tell
me what happened to my fish?

Lieu, I accidentally
killed Spike.

I sucked him up in that
very vacuum cleaner.

Oh, come on. That's
pretty hard to swallow.

Well, now, don't get
ahead of me, lieu.

All right. All right! All right!

Now, one at a time.

Harriette, the boy turned
my boss' pet fish into sushi.

And this Timmy
problem won't go away.

I was in the supermarket...

and his mother tried to hit me
over the head with her husband.

Mom, Steve has got to go.

Okay, okay, okay!

Just give me a minute to try
to figure out what to tell him.

That won't be necessary.

I was down in the basement
cleaning the furnace...

and I heard everything
through the heating ducts.

I'll just head home.

- Steve.
- Oh, please.

I don't deserve to be
around civilized people.

You guys were nice enough to let me stay
in your home and I wanted to repay you.

But instead I
messed everything up.

Like I always do.

Wait a minute. Wait a
minute. Uncle Steve helped me.

No, he didn't, honey.

I mean, thanks to Steve, I had to
beg to get you back into that preschool.

But, Mom, a bully
was picking on me.

A bully? I didn't know that.

Yeah, and I was afraid to go
to school. But I'm not anymore.

Aw.

You know, Laura...

if I were you, I wouldn't be
too upset about your study date.

- Mark?
- If that's his real name.

Well, what about him?

Well, last night I saw him
on Make-out Mountain...

and he was lip-locked
with a sassy little redhead.

That's Lisa Tippleman. He told
me he was breaking up with her.

Mm-hm. Well, she sure got
one heck of a goodbye kiss.

Ma...

what were you doing up
at Make-out Mountain?

Carl, don't try to change
the subject. Heh, heh, heh.

You see? You see?

There is a silver lining around
all of Steve's dark clouds.

Steve, sit down.

You know, Steve...

when we asked you to stay, you
didn't have to do all the cleaning...

and cooking and laundry.

We have Harriette for that.

And me. Ha, ha, ha.

Steve, when we asked you to
stay, all you had to do was just stay.

You know, big guy, when
you're right, you're right.

So, what are you gonna do
the next time we ask you to stay?

I'll relax. I won't try so hard.

I'll just stay.

You got it.

Gee, thanks, big guy.

Gee, this is such a wonderful,
warm, touching moment.

Do I feel a group hug coming on?

No.

I didn't think so.
So let's dance.

And get down
with our bad selves.

Ho! Ho! Ho!