Family Matters (1989–1998): Season 3, Episode 23 - Robo-Nerd II - full transcript
A reprogrammed Urkelbot is sent to fight crime, and proves to be instrumental in foiling a serial convenience store robber. Meanwhile, the women find (to their horror) that a new shampoo has caused them to go bald.
Waldo, how do I look?
With your eyes.
Man, this is gonna be some
concert. Nine rap groups in one night.
Yeah. I just hope they don't
all sing at the same time.
No, Waldo. They'll
probably take turns.
Oh. Cool.
There's just one problem, our
seats are right next to the speakers.
It'll be hard for the honeys to
hear our clever pick-up lines.
Got that covered, Eddie.
I've only got one clever pick-up
line and the girls are gonna hear it.
Hey, babe.
Looking good.
Are those real?
A bullhorn. Waldo, that's
so stupid it's brilliant.
Thank you.
Give me this.
Let's go.
Thanks.
I don't believe it.
Pierce made Captain and he's
three years younger than me.
Well, it's not fair, sir.
- You're every bit as good as Pierce.
- I know.
I suck up to all the
same people, don't I?
Hey, nobody kisses
butt like you, sir.
Thank you, Winslow.
Hey, Pierce probably cheated by
working hard and being conscientious.
That lowlife.
He donates blood,
he's a Big Brother...
he does volunteer work
at the old folks home.
- Some guys have no shame.
- Yeah.
Bonjour, gendarmes!
- Hello, Steve.
- What's with the getup, nerd?
Oh. I was working in
my laboratory, flatfoot.
I was attempting
to fix Urkelbot.
Urkelbutt?
Uh, no, sir, that's Urkelbot.
Some crazy, mixed-up robot
that Steve built a few months ago.
It went haywire and fell
in love with my daughter.
Hmm.
Carl, I know why
Urkelbot malfunctioned.
You see, several microchips in
his personality circuit went bad.
I was fixing it when it hit me.
- A big idea?
- No, my robot. It hit me.
So I fixed that too. And
that's when it hit me.
- But I thought you fixed it.
- No, I got the big idea.
Urkelbot needs a job.
And that's when it hit me.
Another big idea?
No, my robot. I hadn't
fixed him after all.
Would you just
please get to the point?
Well, all right,
Mr. Antsy-Pants.
All right, here goes.
Here's my big idea.
Urkelbot should become Urkelcop.
Well, what's the matter?
Don't you like my idea?
Steve, you can't be serious.
A machine could
never make a good cop.
- Oh? And just why in Sam Hill not?
- Well, a million reasons.
For one, it can't eat
donuts, ha-ha-ha.
That's enough, Winslow.
- The lad might be onto something here.
- He might?
Yeah, if this robot of his worked
out, it would make me look real good...
and I'd get my promotion.
It would also help
benefit society.
It could help
millions of people.
Why, it could change the
course of human history. Ooh.
Yeah, yeah, whatever.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Guess what? I have a chance
to make some real money.
What about the money I pay
you for working at Rachel's Place?
No offense, but I
said real money.
I wanna become a distributor
for Larnice Cosmetics.
Ah, Larnice Cosmetics.
Never heard of them.
That's because they're a new company.
And they're looking for distributors.
And you know I'm
a good salesman.
I mean, I could sell suntan
lotion to Michael Jackson.
All I need to get
started is 400 bucks.
You have to send them money?
Well, yeah. They send me 400
dollars' worth of their cosmetics...
and I turn right around
and sell them for 800 dollars.
- Everybody wins.
- Wait a minute.
Do you have 400 dollars?
Not quite.
- I know where this is going.
- Yep. Straight to our bank account.
Look, I have a hundred.
If you guys all put
in a hundred each,
we'd be equal partners.
- And I'd do all the work.
- I don't know, Laura.
You know money's
been kind of scarce...
and just coming up with
a hundred dollars cash...
Oh, come on, you tightwads.
Laura's only asking for a
hundred bucks, not a kidney.
She's showing real get-up-and-go,
she's being an entrepreneur.
We should reward
that kind of initiative.
I say we write her
a check right now.
- You're right. Come on.
- You sure are. Come on.
Thanks, everybody.
Oh, uh, ladies, I'm a
little short this month.
Could one of you
put in my share?
- Okay, we're all set.
- Good.
It's about time.
Now, in honor of the occasion,
I've prepared a short speech.
"In the year of
our Lord, 1977...
the Urkel child was born.
And on that day,
that child was..."
Would you just please
show us the robot?
Okay, but this is
no ordinary robot.
This is the one, the only,
the absolutely amazing...
Urkelcop.
Okay, let's see...
An official police badge.
Hasta la vista, baby.
Wow! Neato!
Oh, please. You
can't be serious.
- Sir.
- Well, go ahead, test his knowledge.
Okay. What's the first
thing an officer should do...
upon arriving at the scene
of a robbery in progress?
Call for backup.
Is that right?
- Yes, sir.
- Heh. I'm impressed.
Okay, so he memorized
a few books. Big deal.
But, sir. You and I went
to the Police Academy.
- We are properly trained.
- Well, so is Urkelbot.
I guarantee you that
he has studied the best.
Check it out.
Go ahead, punk, make my day.
Who loves you, baby?
Just the facts, ma'am.
Kid, this is quite
an achievement.
Well, thank you, lieu. And feel
free to use the word "genius."
Now, as the ranking officer
here, it falls upon my shoulders...
to think of a way to use this
robot to benefit me and no one else.
Winslow, say hello
to your new partner.
What?
I'm assigning you to
the Mini-Mart robberies.
If you two can catch the guy who's
robbed 18 convenience stores...
I'll get promoted to captain.
If you mess up, I've
never heard of you.
It's perfect.
Come on, sergeant. Let's hit the
mean streets and kick some bad-guy butt.
Well, now, sir, listen.
Now, I realize that this
bucket of bolts is smart...
and it talks a good game.
But what is it gonna do when
words fail and it's time to get rough?
Hi-yah!
Any other questions, Carl?
On second thought, I'd
be happy to be his partner.
Well, that was a nice party.
You know Marjorie sure got some
beautiful gifts at her baby shower.
Yeah, but now I don't know...
what I'm gonna get her next
month for her wedding shower.
I miss the old days when we took
our showers in the proper order.
- Ooh, look. Larnice sent us our cosmetics.
- Come on.
Open it up. Open it up.
Ooh.
This shampoo smells great.
Look, there's a
hair conditioner too.
Let's go try this
stuff out right now.
Yeah, I can't wait to see
how my hair comes out.
Hey, what's all the
noise down here?
What's all the racket?
Hi, how are you?
- Harriette?
- Carl, look at me.
Do I have to?
I'm sorry, honey, but...
But you're bald.
And so is my daughter.
And so is my mother.
What happened to you guys?
Larnice Cosmetics is
what happened to us.
We all used that stupid shampoo.
I don't get it. I mean,
I used that shampoo...
and my hair's fine. See?
Aah!
I'm gonna call this Larnice company
and yell at them what happened.
Where did you hear
about this company?
They had a full page ad
in a reputable magazine.
- Which magazine?
- Funky Rap.
Listen to this, "Try
Larnice Shampoo...
you'll love how
your hair comes out."
Well, you can't get
them for false advertising.
We're sorry, Ma. We
realize that you're upset.
But, hey, look
on the bright side.
You all could be backup
singers for Sinead O'Connor.
I don't understand. Their
number's no longer in service.
Well, I hate to tell you this, sweetheart,
but I believe you've been swindled.
- What do you mean?
- Well, Larnice Cosmetics is obviously...
a fly-by-night operation.
They probably sold
hundreds of distributorships...
took the money and ran.
You guys, I'm really
sorry about this.
It just seemed like
such a great deal.
Sweetheart, if something seems
too good to be true, it probably is.
Look, I've got to hurry up and get
dressed and get down to the Wig Barn.
Well, hey, I'll drive you all.
Let's just calm down
and have some breakfast.
That's a good idea. You
know, I don't know why...
but suddenly I'm in
the mood for melon.
Excuse me.
Sir.
Ooh, may I help you very much?
Uh, yeah, I'd like
to pay for this soda.
Ooh, paying is very, very good.
Bless you very much.
And as they say at the
border in my country:
"Please, come back."
Hey, that's a great
accent, big guy.
Ooh, thank you very... Ahem.
Thank you very much, Steve.
But I still say this is a
complete waste of time.
The odds of this place being
robbed tonight are one in a million.
Correction. The
odds are one in three.
- Where does he get this stuff?
- Triangulation.
Urkelbot marked on a map the
locations of the previous robberies.
I detected a pattern, and deduced
the most logical spot to be hit next.
- And here we are at Pete's Shop & Save.
- Rightaroony.
Well, now that you've got
your metal man set up...
why don't you head
on home, Steve, okay?
Oh, oh, oh.
So let me get this straight.
You have three flavors of
antacid, Mr. Night-Manager?
A person I have never
met before in my entire life.
Yes, yes, cherry,
lemon, and goofy grape.
Now go home, small man.
Ishmadaddle.
Nobody moves, nobody gets hurt.
- Oh!
You, empty the cash register.
You, get me a cherry slurpee.
- What size?
- Surprise me!
- Put the cash in a bag.
- Uh, paper or plastic?
- Just do it.
- As you wish.
Freeze, dog breath.
- What?
- You're under arrest.
You have the right
to remain silent.
You have the right to
have an attorney present.
Shut up. What are you?
I'm your worst nightmare.
Oh, yeah?
I believe these belong to you.
Ow! Ow! Ow!
Hasta la vista, baby.
You are busted, pal.
- Thank you very much.
- Whatever.
Just keep that hunk
of junk away from me.
So you're not so bad without
your gun, Mr. Get-Me-A-Slurpee.
Then I slapped the cuffs on
him and took him right downtown.
- All right, Carl. That's great.
- And I participated, Laura.
Feel like kissing a hero?
I sure do.
- Oh.
- Listen, Steve.
When our hair grows back, do
you think Urkelbot can analyze...
a sample and track down
those jokers who did this to us?
And snatch them bald.
Well, he could but
he can't so he won't.
What?
Urkelbot has decided
to give up police work.
He finds it too dangerous.
So he's decided to
become a dancer.
- A dancing robot?
- Oh, yes, yes.
It was such a peachy idea I
decided to build him a partner.
Wait a minute. Are you saying
that you built a mechanical woman?
That's right. And, Laura, I averted my
eyes during the final welding, sweetheart.
Glad to hear it, Steve.
You know, I named my
new robot after you, Laura.
I call it Laurabot.
Gee, Steve, if I
cared, I'd be honored.
Oh, oh.
Steve, are these robot
dancers of yours any good?
Well, you tell me.
Well, come on.
Ready to dance, Urkelbot?
Let's get down
with our bad selves.
With your eyes.
Man, this is gonna be some
concert. Nine rap groups in one night.
Yeah. I just hope they don't
all sing at the same time.
No, Waldo. They'll
probably take turns.
Oh. Cool.
There's just one problem, our
seats are right next to the speakers.
It'll be hard for the honeys to
hear our clever pick-up lines.
Got that covered, Eddie.
I've only got one clever pick-up
line and the girls are gonna hear it.
Hey, babe.
Looking good.
Are those real?
A bullhorn. Waldo, that's
so stupid it's brilliant.
Thank you.
Give me this.
Let's go.
Thanks.
I don't believe it.
Pierce made Captain and he's
three years younger than me.
Well, it's not fair, sir.
- You're every bit as good as Pierce.
- I know.
I suck up to all the
same people, don't I?
Hey, nobody kisses
butt like you, sir.
Thank you, Winslow.
Hey, Pierce probably cheated by
working hard and being conscientious.
That lowlife.
He donates blood,
he's a Big Brother...
he does volunteer work
at the old folks home.
- Some guys have no shame.
- Yeah.
Bonjour, gendarmes!
- Hello, Steve.
- What's with the getup, nerd?
Oh. I was working in
my laboratory, flatfoot.
I was attempting
to fix Urkelbot.
Urkelbutt?
Uh, no, sir, that's Urkelbot.
Some crazy, mixed-up robot
that Steve built a few months ago.
It went haywire and fell
in love with my daughter.
Hmm.
Carl, I know why
Urkelbot malfunctioned.
You see, several microchips in
his personality circuit went bad.
I was fixing it when it hit me.
- A big idea?
- No, my robot. It hit me.
So I fixed that too. And
that's when it hit me.
- But I thought you fixed it.
- No, I got the big idea.
Urkelbot needs a job.
And that's when it hit me.
Another big idea?
No, my robot. I hadn't
fixed him after all.
Would you just
please get to the point?
Well, all right,
Mr. Antsy-Pants.
All right, here goes.
Here's my big idea.
Urkelbot should become Urkelcop.
Well, what's the matter?
Don't you like my idea?
Steve, you can't be serious.
A machine could
never make a good cop.
- Oh? And just why in Sam Hill not?
- Well, a million reasons.
For one, it can't eat
donuts, ha-ha-ha.
That's enough, Winslow.
- The lad might be onto something here.
- He might?
Yeah, if this robot of his worked
out, it would make me look real good...
and I'd get my promotion.
It would also help
benefit society.
It could help
millions of people.
Why, it could change the
course of human history. Ooh.
Yeah, yeah, whatever.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Guess what? I have a chance
to make some real money.
What about the money I pay
you for working at Rachel's Place?
No offense, but I
said real money.
I wanna become a distributor
for Larnice Cosmetics.
Ah, Larnice Cosmetics.
Never heard of them.
That's because they're a new company.
And they're looking for distributors.
And you know I'm
a good salesman.
I mean, I could sell suntan
lotion to Michael Jackson.
All I need to get
started is 400 bucks.
You have to send them money?
Well, yeah. They send me 400
dollars' worth of their cosmetics...
and I turn right around
and sell them for 800 dollars.
- Everybody wins.
- Wait a minute.
Do you have 400 dollars?
Not quite.
- I know where this is going.
- Yep. Straight to our bank account.
Look, I have a hundred.
If you guys all put
in a hundred each,
we'd be equal partners.
- And I'd do all the work.
- I don't know, Laura.
You know money's
been kind of scarce...
and just coming up with
a hundred dollars cash...
Oh, come on, you tightwads.
Laura's only asking for a
hundred bucks, not a kidney.
She's showing real get-up-and-go,
she's being an entrepreneur.
We should reward
that kind of initiative.
I say we write her
a check right now.
- You're right. Come on.
- You sure are. Come on.
Thanks, everybody.
Oh, uh, ladies, I'm a
little short this month.
Could one of you
put in my share?
- Okay, we're all set.
- Good.
It's about time.
Now, in honor of the occasion,
I've prepared a short speech.
"In the year of
our Lord, 1977...
the Urkel child was born.
And on that day,
that child was..."
Would you just please
show us the robot?
Okay, but this is
no ordinary robot.
This is the one, the only,
the absolutely amazing...
Urkelcop.
Okay, let's see...
An official police badge.
Hasta la vista, baby.
Wow! Neato!
Oh, please. You
can't be serious.
- Sir.
- Well, go ahead, test his knowledge.
Okay. What's the first
thing an officer should do...
upon arriving at the scene
of a robbery in progress?
Call for backup.
Is that right?
- Yes, sir.
- Heh. I'm impressed.
Okay, so he memorized
a few books. Big deal.
But, sir. You and I went
to the Police Academy.
- We are properly trained.
- Well, so is Urkelbot.
I guarantee you that
he has studied the best.
Check it out.
Go ahead, punk, make my day.
Who loves you, baby?
Just the facts, ma'am.
Kid, this is quite
an achievement.
Well, thank you, lieu. And feel
free to use the word "genius."
Now, as the ranking officer
here, it falls upon my shoulders...
to think of a way to use this
robot to benefit me and no one else.
Winslow, say hello
to your new partner.
What?
I'm assigning you to
the Mini-Mart robberies.
If you two can catch the guy who's
robbed 18 convenience stores...
I'll get promoted to captain.
If you mess up, I've
never heard of you.
It's perfect.
Come on, sergeant. Let's hit the
mean streets and kick some bad-guy butt.
Well, now, sir, listen.
Now, I realize that this
bucket of bolts is smart...
and it talks a good game.
But what is it gonna do when
words fail and it's time to get rough?
Hi-yah!
Any other questions, Carl?
On second thought, I'd
be happy to be his partner.
Well, that was a nice party.
You know Marjorie sure got some
beautiful gifts at her baby shower.
Yeah, but now I don't know...
what I'm gonna get her next
month for her wedding shower.
I miss the old days when we took
our showers in the proper order.
- Ooh, look. Larnice sent us our cosmetics.
- Come on.
Open it up. Open it up.
Ooh.
This shampoo smells great.
Look, there's a
hair conditioner too.
Let's go try this
stuff out right now.
Yeah, I can't wait to see
how my hair comes out.
Hey, what's all the
noise down here?
What's all the racket?
Hi, how are you?
- Harriette?
- Carl, look at me.
Do I have to?
I'm sorry, honey, but...
But you're bald.
And so is my daughter.
And so is my mother.
What happened to you guys?
Larnice Cosmetics is
what happened to us.
We all used that stupid shampoo.
I don't get it. I mean,
I used that shampoo...
and my hair's fine. See?
Aah!
I'm gonna call this Larnice company
and yell at them what happened.
Where did you hear
about this company?
They had a full page ad
in a reputable magazine.
- Which magazine?
- Funky Rap.
Listen to this, "Try
Larnice Shampoo...
you'll love how
your hair comes out."
Well, you can't get
them for false advertising.
We're sorry, Ma. We
realize that you're upset.
But, hey, look
on the bright side.
You all could be backup
singers for Sinead O'Connor.
I don't understand. Their
number's no longer in service.
Well, I hate to tell you this, sweetheart,
but I believe you've been swindled.
- What do you mean?
- Well, Larnice Cosmetics is obviously...
a fly-by-night operation.
They probably sold
hundreds of distributorships...
took the money and ran.
You guys, I'm really
sorry about this.
It just seemed like
such a great deal.
Sweetheart, if something seems
too good to be true, it probably is.
Look, I've got to hurry up and get
dressed and get down to the Wig Barn.
Well, hey, I'll drive you all.
Let's just calm down
and have some breakfast.
That's a good idea. You
know, I don't know why...
but suddenly I'm in
the mood for melon.
Excuse me.
Sir.
Ooh, may I help you very much?
Uh, yeah, I'd like
to pay for this soda.
Ooh, paying is very, very good.
Bless you very much.
And as they say at the
border in my country:
"Please, come back."
Hey, that's a great
accent, big guy.
Ooh, thank you very... Ahem.
Thank you very much, Steve.
But I still say this is a
complete waste of time.
The odds of this place being
robbed tonight are one in a million.
Correction. The
odds are one in three.
- Where does he get this stuff?
- Triangulation.
Urkelbot marked on a map the
locations of the previous robberies.
I detected a pattern, and deduced
the most logical spot to be hit next.
- And here we are at Pete's Shop & Save.
- Rightaroony.
Well, now that you've got
your metal man set up...
why don't you head
on home, Steve, okay?
Oh, oh, oh.
So let me get this straight.
You have three flavors of
antacid, Mr. Night-Manager?
A person I have never
met before in my entire life.
Yes, yes, cherry,
lemon, and goofy grape.
Now go home, small man.
Ishmadaddle.
Nobody moves, nobody gets hurt.
- Oh!
You, empty the cash register.
You, get me a cherry slurpee.
- What size?
- Surprise me!
- Put the cash in a bag.
- Uh, paper or plastic?
- Just do it.
- As you wish.
Freeze, dog breath.
- What?
- You're under arrest.
You have the right
to remain silent.
You have the right to
have an attorney present.
Shut up. What are you?
I'm your worst nightmare.
Oh, yeah?
I believe these belong to you.
Ow! Ow! Ow!
Hasta la vista, baby.
You are busted, pal.
- Thank you very much.
- Whatever.
Just keep that hunk
of junk away from me.
So you're not so bad without
your gun, Mr. Get-Me-A-Slurpee.
Then I slapped the cuffs on
him and took him right downtown.
- All right, Carl. That's great.
- And I participated, Laura.
Feel like kissing a hero?
I sure do.
- Oh.
- Listen, Steve.
When our hair grows back, do
you think Urkelbot can analyze...
a sample and track down
those jokers who did this to us?
And snatch them bald.
Well, he could but
he can't so he won't.
What?
Urkelbot has decided
to give up police work.
He finds it too dangerous.
So he's decided to
become a dancer.
- A dancing robot?
- Oh, yes, yes.
It was such a peachy idea I
decided to build him a partner.
Wait a minute. Are you saying
that you built a mechanical woman?
That's right. And, Laura, I averted my
eyes during the final welding, sweetheart.
Glad to hear it, Steve.
You know, I named my
new robot after you, Laura.
I call it Laurabot.
Gee, Steve, if I
cared, I'd be honored.
Oh, oh.
Steve, are these robot
dancers of yours any good?
Well, you tell me.
Well, come on.
Ready to dance, Urkelbot?
Let's get down
with our bad selves.