Family Matters (1989–1998): Season 3, Episode 21 - Stop, in the Name of Love - full transcript

Sergeant Winslow.

Why, Lieutenant
Murtagh... you look dapper.

Yes, I do. I'm a dapper dude.

- How can I help you?
- Help me celebrate.

I just bought a new car.

Oh.

Whoa.

- Wow. What a beauty.
- Yep, 1969 Pontiac Firebird convertible.

- Whew.
- Car of my dreams.

- That must have cost you a pretty penny.
- Yeah. I'm in hock up to my ascot.

But that baby was worth it.



Not a scratch on her. Cherry.

Can you get your
money back, sir?

Winslow, you recognize that
person that just hit my car?

I believe I do, sir.

Hi, Mom.

Carl. Carl.

Somebody parked their old
piece of junk right in our driveway.

Now, here's their
license plates.

Track them down
and chew them out.

Hello, lieutenant, nice ascot.

Hey, Waldo. Let's try
and pick up some chicks.

Forget it.

- How come?
- We might get a hernia.

We should start off slow. Maybe
bench press some little kids.



Yeah, right. I guess
I wasn't thinking.

Later, man. I'm gonna make
some moves on Cheryl Hanson.

Hey, baby.

Aw, baby, baby, wait. Baby,
baby, baby, please wait.

Waldo, is everything okay?

No, it's not.

- Well, what's the matter?
- I can't talk to girls.

Every time I'm around
them my mind goes blank.

Can you imagine that?

Hm.

Actually, yes.

But have you ever had a date?

I got close once. I almost went to
the movies with Vickie Vanderfanny.

You mean Hickey Vickie?

Yeah, but I was so nervous
when I asked her out...

that before she could answer,
I barfed all over her shoes.

Gee, I hope they weren't suede.

I might as well face it. When
it comes to girls, I'm a loser.

No. You're just a slow starter.

I'm a no-starter.

I once had a 976
number hang up on me.

Waldo, I'll be right back.

Yeah, that's what they all say.

Laura, I need your assistance.

I want you to talk to Waldo.
I'm worried about him.

Aren't we all?

No, no, really.

He's real down on himself.

And he could use a few
kind words from a lovely lady.

- Uh, Steve.
- Look at his poor, pathetic face.

He's so sad, he could
depress Richard Simmons.

Well, hello, boys.
What'll it be?

- Two root beer floats.
- Make mine a double.

Mm. Bad day, Lou?

He just bought a classic
convertible and had a little accident.

Little? Little?

- Who'd you run into?
- Somebody ran into me.

Tell her who ran into me.

Tell her who ran into
me. Go ahead, tell her.

- My mother.
- Ah! Mother Winslow?

Is she all right?

Mrs. Knievel is fine.

It's my car that's suffering.

- Is it smashed bad?
- Bad?

If I wanna see the taillights,
I gotta open the glove box.

No, no. I mean it, Waldo.

You have a lot of
qualities girls really go for.

I do? Like what?

Your looks. I
mean... you are very...

Very...

Handsome?

Let's just put it this way.

You have the perfect
face for your head.

Oh. Cool. What else?

Well, you're sweet
and you're sensitive.

You're courteous
and you're kind.

I am?

That's right. You know, I think you're
one of the nicest boys I ever met.

Aw, shucks. You really mean it?

I sure do. From the
bottom of my heart.

So, Waldo. Did Laura
perk you up a little?

She sure did. But now
I got a bigger problem.

- What's that?
- Laura is in love with me.

Laura, my gorgeous gladiola.
We have got big trouble.

- We do?
- Waldo thinks you're in love with him.

What?

What in Sam Hill did
you say to him, woman?

I just wanted him to feel better about
himself so I gave a few compliments.

Well, obviously
the big galoot...

mistook your compliments
for expressions of amour.

Oh, great. Look, you got me into
this. Now how am I gonna get out of it?

Well, talk to Waldo.
Set him straight.

And do it before he
falls in love with you.

Come on, Steve.
That won't happen.

Oh, foolish woman.

You underestimate the
awesome power of your beauty.

I know better than any man the
inescapable spell that you cast.

Steve, stop it. I've known Waldo for
years. And he'd never be interested in me.

- Oh, are you sure?
- Positive.

The day Waldo falls for me is
the day I eat my science book.

Hello, Laura, my love.

Bon appétit.

Roses are red
Violets are blue Here.

Thanks.

Plastic.

They last longer. Especially if
you change the water every day.

I'll be sure to do that.

Laura, I know I'm
just wasting my time.

But would you like to, kind
of maybe, go out with me...

sort of, tomorrow night, maybe?

Now let him down easy.

- Sure, Waldo.
- Not that easy.

Great, I'll pick you up at 7:30.

Waldo, how could
you do this to me?

I'm sorry, Steve. I know
how you feel about Laura.

But like they
said in Love Story:

"Love means never having to say I'm
sorry, Steve, but I'm taking your chick."

Laura, you're
actually going out...

with Waldo Geraldo Faldo?

That's right.

Allow me to quote the
25th letter of the alphabet.

Why?

I've been trying to convince
Waldo that girls find him attractive.

I couldn't turn around and
refuse to go out with him.

Well, why not? You've refused to
go out with me for the last decade.

That's because you
have self-confidence.

I can turn you down
without destroying your ego.

Well, isn't that just
a fine kettle of fish.

I'm getting penalized
because I'm emotionally stable.

Well, shut me with a twist tie and
leave me out by the curb for pickup.

If it isn't those new
sweethearts, Waldo and Laura.

Would you like to
order some grub, bub?

Ladies first.

Waldo, is it okay if I have a
cheeseburger and some fries?

How bad do you want the fries?

- Oh, what the hey. Go for it.
- Okay.

And what'll you have, Waldo?

Water.

Coming right up.

- Wanna dance?
- Sure. Cool.

Couldn't keep up, huh, baby?

Waldo, during a slow dance,
people usually dance slowly.

Hey, I'm a rebel.

Oh, really?

Is that why you kept
booing during the movie?

I was upset. We drive all the way
across town to see The Prince of Tides...

and there wasn't
one bit of surfing.

We should have went to see Jifk.

Oh, you mean JFK.

I know how it's spelled.

Laura...

our relationship just
is not working out.

- It isn't?
- Uh-uh.

Listen. I appreciate the
nice things you said to me.

But we're just not
a romantic couple.

Really?

Please, Laura. Stop begging.

It tears me apart.

I'm sorry.

I'll try to pull
myself together.

I know you're upset. But
you'll find another guy.

Remember, Newsweek
heals all wounds.

Uh... Waldo, don't you mean:

"Time heals all wounds"?

Oh, yeah. I knew it was
one of those magazines.

Well, Waldo.

- Thanks for letting me down so gently.
- No.

Thank you, Laura. You're my
first date and I'll never forget you.

Laura?

Yes?

Your ring is stuck in my teeth.

Don't worry. I'll get your ring
back to you as soon as I can.

So how was your dream date?

Not so hot. Waldo dumped me.

He did? I mean, darn the luck.

Steve, that's enough. I'm
tired and I wanna go home.

It's been a grueling night.

Well, uh, now that Waldo
is out of the picture...

does that make me
your number-one reject?

Sure, Steve. There's no one I
wanna say no to more than you.

Wow. We have liftoff.

You know, I've been thinking.

- Your mother is too old to drive.
- Oh, she is not.

- Is too.
- Is not.

Is too. I called the DMV and found
out her driver's license number is seven.

I would appreciate it if you would
stop with the mother-driving jokes.

If you put that woman in a tank,
she'd win the Medal of Honor.

All right, that's it, lieutenant.
Quit dissing my mama.

- What?
- Oh. Gentlemen, is there a problem here?

Hey, I will say whatever
I want, whenever I want.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

Uh, anybody want
a frozen banana?

Lieutenant, you
apologize to me right now.

And what if I don't?

I'm gonna do my best
to stuff you into this mug.

You better bring a lot of
help. Yeah, because I'm...

Don't break the china.

Now, here's a thought.

Why don't the both of you
grab a nice cozy booth?

And I'll bring you two...

a big slice of pie.

Pie. I love pie.

You want some pie, Winslow?

You wouldn't dare.

Oh, I wouldn't, would I?

Here's your pie.

Chocolate cream. Delicious. Mm.

But I've got a different kind
of pie for you, lieutenant.

Oh, really? Um...

- What kind of pie would that be?
- Oh. It's called humble pie.

Okay.

That does it!

I've had just about
enough dessert.

You see, if there's
one thing I really hate...

it's eating alone.

One pie, two guys.

Which guy is gonna get the pie?

- Now, Steve.
- Place your bets.

- Steve.
- Drop it, nerd.

Oh. I can see it now.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh,
I'm so sorry, Laura.

I'm so sorry.

Come here, Steve.

Oh. Oh. Oh. You know, my shift
is over. Time for me to punch out.

Oh, come back.
I'll punch you out.

Would you look at us?

Two of Chicago's
finest throwing pies.

Winslow, I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have made disparaging
remarks about your mother.

I have great respect for you. I should show
respect for the members of your family.

Well, I appreciate that,
sir. You know, that's

very big of you to admit
when you're wrong.

Yes, it is. I'm
very big that way.

- Friends?
- Ha, ha. Friends.

And to show you
just how sorry I am...

Carl...

this pie is for you.

- You know, sir, that's quite a gesture.
- Thank you.

You're welcome. But, you know...

I'd like to match that gesture
with a gesture of my own.

- Yes.
- Lieutenant, this pie is for you.