Family Matters (1989–1998): Season 1, Episode 8 - Mr. Badwrench - full transcript

Rain Man?

Ghostbusters?

- Lethal Weapon 2?
- Time's up.

The
Un-Bear-Bull-Light-Nest-Bean.

The Unbearable
Lightness of Being.

I thought you said we
were doing movie titles.

Your turn, Spielberg.

Here's a real movie title.

Go.

- Batman.
- Batman.

How did you know?



Just a lucky guess.

- Hi, honey.
- Morning, Mom.

What does everyone want?

- Pancakes.
- French toast.

How about pizza?

How about this. We're having
eggs and you've got two choices:

Scrambled or raw.

ALL: Scrambled.

- Morning, everyone.
JUDY: Good morning, Dad.

EDDIE: Morning, Dad.
- You want some eggs?

Oh, no, I got up real early,
showered and had a big breakfast. Oh!

At least you showered.
No one else can get in there.

Is my mother still
in the shower?

- She'll miss her train to Milwaukee.
- She's almost finished.



When I walked by, she was singing
the last verse of "Stormy Weather."

- I'm next.
- I'm next.

You're little. You
can wash in the sink.

- Good morning, everyone.
- Morning.

EDDIE: Morning, auntie.

Fabulous news.

Little Richie just
spoke his first word.

You're kidding. What did he say?

Mama.

Aw...

Wait a minute. He's only 9
months old. Are you sure about this?

I was there. He looked right
at my face and said, "Mama."

Why is every kid's first
word always "Mama"?

Not Eddie. His first
word was: "Huh?"

Come on, honey. Say, "Mama."

Come on, sweetheart.
Say, "Mama."

[IN BABY VOICE] Mama.

See? See, what did I say?

- Oh, do it again.
- Come on, honey, do it again.

I'm not in the mood.

Cut it out, Carl.
He really can say it.

[SINGING] Can't go on
Everything I've got is gone

Stormy weather

Good morning, everyone.

Shower's free.

Say goodbye to your grandmother.

ALL: Bye, Grandma.
- Bye, honey.

- Mother Winslow, guess what.
- What, honey?

Little Richie
spoke his first word.

Oh, that's sweet.
What did he say?

- [IN BABY VOICE] "Mama."
ESTELLE: Oh, that's cute.

Carl's first word
was "doughnut."

Mama, I don't wanna rush you,
but you've got a train to catch.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] How long will
you be staying at Frank and Maxine's?

Ten days, and I'm
looking forward to it.

You know, at Frank's, I have
my own bathroom and shower.

Yeah, but that cheapskate
makes you rent your towels.

Carl's brother has
three bathrooms.

They all have showers
and one with a hot tub.

- Mama, can we go?
- And a whirlpool.

- Oh!
- Mama, I'm a cop.

Frank makes more money
than I do. He's a carpet salesman.

You should see
their rugs, honey.

Especially the one on his head.

Can we go?

Say, "bye-bye."

Say, "bye-bye."

Say, "Bye-bye, Grandma."

- "Bye..." ESTELLE: Okay, honey.

When he's ready,
have him call me.

- Hey, dumpling.
HARRIETTE: Hi, baby.

- Your mama get off okay?
- Oh, right on time.

Harriette, all the
way to the station...

all my mother could talk
about was Frank's bathrooms.

So I told her that when she comes back,
there will be a shower in her bathroom...

and she won't have
to rent the towels.

I wanna get started
on it right away.

Oh, hold it, hold it. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I knew should've gone with
you. What are you talking about?

Harriette, we need
another shower.

I could work nights and weekends. I'll
be done by the time Mama gets back.

Wait a minute, Carl.

You aren't thinking about
doing this yourself, are you?

And why not?

I don't want you ripping up
the house, making it unlivable...

and forcing the whole
family to move into a hotel.

I only did that once.

And that was before I joined
the Tool of the Month Club.

Harriette, I happen to be
very good with my hands.

I built that swing
set for the kids.

No, you didn't. You
bought the wood...

which is still sitting on a
shelf in the garage somewhere.

- Well, who put up the shelf?
- I did.

Okay.

Who built that birdhouse?

You mean the one that was
condemned by the Audubon Society?

Okay, bad example.

I'm talking bathroom
fixtures here, Harriette.

Nowadays, these showers come
in kits. A mere child could do it.

Honey...

I know you mean well...

but plumbing is
out of your league.

I think we ought to get an
estimate from a contractor.

A contractor?

Now, that's an insult.

And it's just throwing
away money.

[SNIFFS]

What's burning?

Toaster's on the blink again.

That's the last thing you fixed.

I did fix it.

Just like new.

Okay, one estimate.

So how soon you
need this shower?

Well, it's has to be done within 10
days. It's a present for my mother.

I always give my mother a book.

Why don't I get us
something cold to drink?

Let's see. Me and my crew.

Figure in the little overhead.

Yeah, there.

There's the damage.

Whoa.

Heh, heh, heh. Sylvia.

Whoo. You know, I'm real bad at bargaining,
so let me just ask you straight out.

Are you crazy?

Mr. Winslow, I am doing the best I
can. I'm giving you the materials at cost.

Yeah, but this is way, way,
way more than I wanted to spend.

You'll never get anybody
do it for less than that.

Oh, well...

Thank you for your time,
Sylvia, but I think I will.

I'll just do it myself.

Let me guess.

You're a member of the
Tool of the Month Club.

Well, yeah.

I thought so. I'll be
seeing you soon.

Have I told you how
pretty your hair looks today?

Where's Sylvia?

- I let her go.
- I'll see if I can catch her.

Now, Harriette, she's long gone now.
She just wanted way too much money.

I decided to do this myself.

Carl, you don't have a
clue how to put in a shower.

Harriette, all you do is
rip out your linen closet...

run your pipes, install your
lines and pop your shower in.

Now, what could be simpler?

You hire Sylvia.
Carl, I asked around.

She's very good and you
can't find anybody cheaper.

Harriette, I'm
good and I'm free.

Now, honey, I really
wanna do this myself.

Carl, how can you
do this yourself?

Sylvia works with a crew.

- Hi.
- Meet my crew.

Edward, guess what.

You are gonna help me put in a
shower in your grandmother's bathroom.

Oh, no.

Is this gonna be like the
time we put up the spice rack?

No, this will only take a week.

Testing, one, two.

Okay, Richie, we're rolling.

I don't know why you need that
tape recorder. All he does is drool.

This is an historic moment.

We will all listen to this when
Richie is all grown-up and president.

Come on, sweetheart.

Say, "Mama."

"Mama."

Maybe he'll be vice president.

CARL: Easy around in
there. Watch yourself now.

Watch the door, Ease it in.

That's it. That's it.

Come on. Oh, wait a minute.
The rug's got it, back up a little bit.

Too much.

You guys aren't gonna be working
anywhere near my room, are you?

Come on.

Oh, Eddie, guess what.

Lori Martin called.

She wanted to know if you
could meet her at the roller rink.

Lori Martin called me?
Well, what did you tell her?

Oh, I just told her that you were
gonna be in the bathroom for a week.

Why am I always the
one who has to help?

Because, son, we are
the men in this house.

And working with our
hands is what men do.

Well, what do women do?

I don't know, son.

- How's it going?
- Great.

We're just about
ready to rip out this wall.

Carl, I think we should
call the contractor.

Call her. Tell
them to come over.

Maybe she can learn
something, right, Eddie?

[LAUGHING]

If you'll excuse
us, Harriette...

we men have some serious
shower installing to do.

Oh, okay, Carl.

If you need anything, we
women will be in the kitchen...

churning butter and
tending the young ones.

Okay, son. Let's get
this puppy started.

Now, we gotta find the stud
beam and work from there.

Hollow.

Hollow.

Hollow. There she is.

Hand me a nail, I'll mark it.

Oh, here, put these on.

- Why?
- Remember, son, safety first.

Oh! Ow! Ow!

[GRUNTING AND YELLING]

Okay, that stud beam's marked.

Thanks, honey.

Mmm. Yum, yum, yum, yum.

Yum, yum, yum, yum.

Who's feeding you?

Mama.

And who do you love?

Mama.

And who loves you?

Mama.

Rachel, he's a
baby, not a parrot.

Well, he said it a few
days ago, clear as a bell.

Sometimes babies
will say a word...

then weeks will go by
before they'll say it again.

Rachel, you know, it's possible he
burped and you thought he said "Mama."

Carl, he said, "Mama."

I'm gonna put it on tape
and prove it to everybody.

Come on, Richie. We'll
break this down into syllables.

"Ma." Now, say that
twice and you got it.

Carl...

- when can I see the bathroom?
- Not yet, not yet.

It's still a work in progress.

Eddie and I don't want
anybody to see it until it's finished.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello? Oh, hi, Mother Winslow.

How's Frank?

Well, I know he's cheap.

Okay, thanks for calling. Bye.

Didn't she wanna talk to me?

Yeah, but she was calling from
the payphone in Frank's kitchen.

She'll talk to you tomorrow
night when she gets home.

Tomorrow night? She's supposed
to be gone another four days.

Said she can't stand
another day with Frank.

Every time he takes her to a restaurant, he
makes her order from the children's menu.

- Tomorrow night?
- Good night, everyone.

- Whoa, whoa. Where are you going?
- Out?

Your grandmother's coming home
tomorrow. We have to finish that shower.

- But, Dad, I made plans.
- Well, I'm sorry, your plans have changed.

- Oh, Dad.
- Ow!

I thought you said you
were almost finished.

I am.

The hard part's done.
Everything else is cosmetic.

This doesn't need cosmetics.

It needs major surgery.

This is worse than the time
Dad put up the spice rack.

Mom, does this mean we
get to go to a hotel again?

No. Girls, could
you leave us alone?

Let's go pack our
bags, just in case.

Eddie, I need to talk to your
dad. Why don't you take a break?

Thanks, Mom.

I won't forget this.

Carl, this has gone far enough. I want
you to give it up and call the contractor.

Harriette, I can finish
this. I'm so close.

The plumbing is all done
and that's the hard part.

- You mean the shower's working?
- Absolutely, I'll show you.

I don't get it, I did
everything right.

Carl.

- Carl?
- What?

- There's water coming from the sink.
- Turn it off.

I said, turn it off!

- I did.
- Well, turn it back on!

It's just the pipes flushing
themselves out. It's fine now.

- Mind if I try something?
- Go ahead.

- What are you doing?
- Nice going, Carl.

You have to work the
shower from the sink.

I must've crossed
the pipes somewhere.

Oh, no problem. It's fine.

You just can't shower alone.

Harriette, this is
very easy to fix.

All I have to do is rip out
the shower, tear up the floor...

reconnect some pipes,
slap on some drywall...

lay some tile, grout
it and tidy up a bit.

It's over, Carl.

Harriette, look, I
know this looks bad.

Looks bad?

You've got to turn on
the shower from the sink.

Harriette, I really wanted
to do this for my mother.

Look around. It's
not gonna happen.

Well, I might as well face it.

I'm not as handy
as I think I am.

Oh, honey. It's okay.

You're good at so
many other things.

Yeah, but, honey...

being good with your hands
is part of what makes a man.

Being good with your hands
is not what makes a man.

It's being good with your heart.

And when it comes to that,
you're about the best there is.

Thank you, honey. I needed that.

What am I gonna
do about this mess?

Well, we can
either call Sylvia...

or board up the room.

Oh, fine. What
am I gonna tell her?

That I'm an idiot? That I
destroyed my bathroom?

That I made a fool of myself?

Oh, honey, you don't
have to tell her that.

When she sees this, she'll know.

- Oh, hi, honey.
- Hi, Mother Winslow.

I'm sorry you didn't have a
good time at Frank's house.

Honey, the older that man
gets, the cheaper he gets.

The other night, we
had a fight over dinner.

- Why?
- I wanted some.

Am I glad to be
home. I'm exhausted.

Mama?

I know exactly what you need.

A nice hot shower in
your own bathroom.

Now, Carl, don't tease
a tired, hungry old lady.

Did you really put a
shower in my bathroom?

I said I would, didn't I?

Oh, I can't hardly
wait to see it.

Bring my suitcase.

You know...

I took a bunch
of Frank's towels.

Knowing Frank, they probably
weren't his to begin with.

Now, that explains why
they say "Howard Johnson's."

Carl, Harriette, I don't know
what to say. This is beautiful.

Well, I have to admit,
Ma, it came out pretty nice.

Carl, I never realize you were
this handy. It looks professional.

Well, thank you, Mama. It is.

You mean you
didn't do it yourself?

No, Mother Winslow,
we hired a contractor.

Oh, I'm glad to hear that. Only
a fool would mess with plumbing.

- You're right, Mama.
- You know...

there was a time when Carl
was pigheaded enough...

to try to do this
all by himself.

Well, that was a
long time ago, Mama.

Oh, Harriette, Carl.

Thank you so much.

I love you.

Well, I think I'll
take a shower now.

- Enjoy it, Mama.
- God bless.

[SHOWER RUNNING
AND ESTELLE SINGING]

Sounds like she likes it.

I think she's
proud of you, Carl.

Come on, I'll make you a
milkshake. You deserve it.

I do, don't I?

Well, look who's up.

Rachel, I'm making a milkshake
for Carl. Would you like one too?

No, thanks.

Richie, who am I?

Mama.

Oh, Rachel, give it up.

He'll speak when he
has something to say.

He already spoke.

And when he speaks
again, I'm gonna be ready.

Oh, no. I need new batteries.

Mama will be right back.

Mama.

Carl, get me the
milkshake glasses.

- They're in the cabinet in the other room.
- Oh, okay.

Hey, honey, where
in the cabinet?

Never mind.

I'll get them myself.

Mama.

[ENGLISH SDH]