Family Matters (1989–1998): Season 1, Episode 7 - Body Damage - full transcript

- That was a great dinner, Mom.
- Gotta go.

Hold on. Your father will be home
and we've got a PTA meeting to go to.

I've gotta go now. Kids,
take care of the dishes.

Well, she must have meant
you guys, because I'm not a kid.

I meant all of you.

- I'll wash.
- I'll dry.

I'll sweep up.

Put these on the table, baby.

So, Eddie. It's Friday night.

I hear that Janey Brown is
having a big party tonight.

Oh, that's right.



You can't go anywhere.
You're grounded.

I wonder how long they'd
ground me if I broke your arm.

Come on, Laura. Test me.

I've got this car-repair
stuff down cold.

I'm gonna ace this sucker.

What are the three steps
in adjusting a carburetor?

Step one, you loosen
the lambda locknut.

Step two, you tighten
primary adjustment screws.

Step three, you... You...
What is step three?

Step three is you get the greasy
book off the table so we can eat dinner.

When your car needs a tune-up...

you're gonna be glad I'm
taking this adult-education class.

- Hey, everybody. ALL: Hi, Carl.

I've got big news.



Your father is the policeman...

with the best safety
record in the entire city.

[CHATTERING]

Wait, wait, wait.

There's more. Because of that, I'll be
driving in the Columbus Day parade.

- Shut up.
- Wait, wait, wait. Don't go crazy yet.

Not only will I be in the parade,
but I'll be driving the lead car.

Okay, you can go
crazy now. I'm finished.

- I wanna show you something outside.
RACHEL: Really? Ohh! I wonder what it is.

Come on. Come on.

- Isn't she a beauty?
- Wow!

This is a 1936 Ford.

- That's right, Rachel. How did you know?
- Oh, Carl, you're talking to a car lover.

This baby has a V8 with
a dual throat carburetor...

and 221 cubic
inches of raw power.

- Where did you get it?
- The Policeman's Museum.

This car was actually
driven by Eliot Ness.

Did he have the best
safety record last year?

Look, I've been
practicing my wave:

- Let's go for a spin.
- I get shotgun.

Dup, dup, dup! Freeze!

Back away slowly.

Keep your hands
where I can see them.

You gonna read
us our rights, Carl?

Harriette, this car is an
antique. And it's signed out to me.

That means it's out of bounds, off limits,
no one touches it but me. Understand?

I do, but you might
wanna simplify for Eddie.

My son, the safest
driver on the police force.

I'm so proud of him.

Of course, I taught
him how to drive.

I didn't know you could drive.

Oh, sure. I gave it up when
they lowered the speed limit.

We don't wanna wake Carl up.

Don't worry, Mother Winslow. Carl
could sleep through World War Ill.

Come on, Harriette. Let's look
at that car up close and personal.

Wait a minute. Carl
said not to touch that car.

Oh, come on. I
just wanna look at it.

I don't know.

I promise I'll keep
my hands off of it.

Well, I guess it'll be okay
if you don't touch the car.

Great. I just love
these old cars.

Each one has its own
personality and quirks.

- Kind of like men.
- That's true.

You know, some don't look like
much, but they can really move.

And then others are real flashy,
but there's nothing under the hood.

[LAUGHS]

Boy, they don't make
them like this anymore.

I just love the way the chrome
sets off the contours of the hood.

Ohh! And look at this subtle
flexing curve in this fender.

You two wanna be alone?

I love this car.

It is pretty.

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

Not if you're thinking
about driving that car.

- That's what I'm thinking.
- Then you must be crazy.

Carl would kill us if he
knew we were looking at it.

Oh. He'll never
know. He's asleep.

Well, he could wake up any minute
and we can't take any chances.

Harriette, you are so
cautious, so afraid to take a risk.

Honey, you've got
to live, Harriette. Live.

I don't mind the living, it's
the dying I'm trying to avoid.

Harriette, for once in your life,
don't be the sensible older sister.

You are such a stick in the mud.
Honey, loosen up. Let yourself go.

Go where?

Around the block. Just
around the block, please?

Oh, Harriette, I'll never get another
chance to drive a classic car like this.

I don't know.

I'll be really, really
careful. I promise.

Once around the block?

- Okay.
- Great.

Wait, wait, wait.

But I make the rules.

Right turns only and keep
it below 20 miles an hour.

Yeah, yeah. Fine, fine.

[RACHEL CHUCKLES]

[ENGINE STARTS]

Okay. Now adjust the mirror.

And use hand signals. In
fact, we'll both use hand signals.

Harriette, would you relax?
Nothing is gonna happen.

[TIRES SCREECH AND CRASH]

Ohh. Are you in trouble.

What do you mean?
You were the one driving.

You were supposed to stop
me. You're the older sister.

But what happened to
"Live, Harriette. Live"?

- That was before you cracked up this car.
- You were behind the wheel.

You were the navigator.

You were supposed to warn me if
something jumped in front of the car.

It was a tree. It's been
there for a hundred years.

Well, I never noticed it.

Look, look, look.
Rachel, this isn't helping.

We'll just tell Carl
it was an accident.

Carl will go crazy.

You know he still hasn't forgiven me
for breaking his Flintstones coffee mug.

Harriette, we can't tell him.

Rachel, Carl has to drive this
car in the parade tomorrow.

He's bound to notice.

Not if I fix it first.

You couldn't even glue Fred
and Barney back together.

That was a cup. This is a car.

I got an A in body and
fender work. I can fix it tonight.

Even if you could, which I
doubt, I think I should tell Carl.

No, no, no. You can't tell Carl.

Harriette, I can undo the damage
if you just give me a chance.

Oh, please, don't turn
your back on me now.

You're all I've got.

Rachel, don't give me that "don't
turn your back on me" speech again.

I've heard it a thousand times.

Yeah, but this time I mean it.

Please?

What am I gonna do with you?

[GASPS]

Never sneak up on
someone holding a blowtorch.

I'll try to remember that.

Yes?

I just wanted to tell
you that he's still asleep.

Thank you.

Are you aiming
to lose that finger?

Sorry. How long
is this gonna take?

What time does Carl have
to leave for the parade?

Why? Is this
gonna take all night?

This is a delicate operation.

You don't just slap it
back on with Krazy Glue.

But I'll have it ready in
time. Now, excuse me.

What's going on out here?

Hey, I had nothing
to do with this.

Relax. Rachel did it.

Your mother and I did it.

Why?

Edward, it's past 1:00.
Why aren't you in bed?

Mom, I have to be home at 11.

There's nothing in the
rules about sleeping.

As long as you're up, I could
use another pair of hands.

Okay. Can I use the torch?

- No.
- No.

I'll go and check and
see if Carl is still asleep.

Okay, Aunt Rachel, what
do you want me to do?

Uh... Put these tools
in the tool box for me.

- Carl.
- Harriette.

I'm very disappointed.

I thought you were gonna
cut out the midnight snacks.

I wasn't snacking.

I thought I heard the bulb
in the refrigerator go out.

Nope, it's okay. Heh, heh.

How did that get in my hand?

My gosh, Harriette.
I've been sleepwalking.

Let's go back to bed.

I can't sleep now. Somebody's
making a lot of noise outside.

It's the Richardsons. They're
having one of those wild parties.

Sounds like they're doing
body and fender work.

No, no, no. It's that
new music, heavy metal.

Very heavy metal.

Heavier than the old
heavy metal. Come on.

What were you doing
outside in your robe?

I went to tell the
Richardsons to keep it down.

They may keep this
up all night. Let's go.

Mom. Dad.

What are you doing?
Are you just getting in?

Getting in?

Edward, do you know it's
two hours past your curfew?

Well, Dad, you see, I
was just... I was just...

You were just
breaking your curfew.

- Mom?
- And after being grounded for a week.

- What are we gonna do with him?
- Well...

Never mind, I'll handle this.

Consider yourself grounded
for another two weeks.

What?

Now, I don't wanna hear
a word. Just go to bed.

Go to bed.

Harriette.

I don't think we should talk
about this while we're mad.

Let's get a good night's sleep. We'll
discuss this when you've cooled off.

[WHIMPERS]

How much time do I have?

Carl won't be up
for at least an hour.

Good. We'll make it.

You better put on
another pot of coffee.

- Regular or decaf?
- What do you think?

Better make it decaf.

Mom, would you please sign this?

- What is it?
- It's a confession.

It says you did everything
and I did nothing.

I told you I'd get you off the
hook after this settles down.

What if something
happens to you before then?

I need evidence
that'll stand up in court.

Well, how do I look?

Why are you dressed so early? The
parade doesn't start for three hours.

Yeah, but I'm the lead car. I
wanna make sure I'm early.

- Oh, you've got a loose button.
- Where?

There.

It was hanging by a thread.

You better get your
mother to sew that back on.

If your father comes back
down, pull another button off.

Okay, but I'm adding
that to the confession.

- Rachel.
- Will you stop doing that?

We've got an emergency.
Carl wants to leave.

No. You gotta stall
him. I need more time.

Okay. More time.

Okay, kids, we've got a family
crisis and I need your help.

What kind of crisis?

Aunt Rachel and I smashed
the police car and Dad can't know.

[CHUCKLES]

Let me get this straight.

You and Aunt Rachel trashed
the car, Dad doesn't know...

and you want us to be
a part of the cover-up?

That's the general idea.

This is beautiful.

An opportunity like this comes
along once, maybe twice in a lifetime.

I want a bike. What
do you want, Judy?

A pony.

The kid's got potential.

You guys, this
is a family crisis.

We've all got to pull together.

I'll take a dirt bike.

Well, I'm leaving.

Nobody touch me.

Dad, you can't go without
breakfast. You look frail.

I don't have time for breakfast.
Why are you trying to stall me?

We're not trying to stall you.

If we were, we'd be
trying to keep you here.

Which we're not, so just go.

- You want some coffee?
- No.

I'm leaving.

- Dad. Dad. My tonsils hurt.
- Mine too.

You had your tonsils
taken out years ago.

Oh, I mean my feet.

- What is going on around here?
- Nothing.

- Nothing.
- Nothing.

There's nothing
wrong with the car.

Eddie, you have the
IQ of frozen yogurt.

What?

I just want you to know that I love
you. And remember, you love me too.

Move, Harriette.

Good morning.

What are you doing?

Just cleaning a squashed
bug off your headlight.

I want everything to be
picture-perfect for the parade.

Thank you, Rachel.
That's very thoughtful.

[MUFFLED] Yeah, thanks, Rachel.

See you all downtown.

Have a nice parade, Carl.

We're proud of you, Dad.

[ENGINE STARTS]

- We'll see you at the parade.
- Bye.

EDDIE: Bye, Dad.
RACHEL: Have a good time.

Rachel, I've got to give it to
you. You really did a good job.

Hey, I told you
we could pull it off.

We are sneaky good.

You know, Aunt Rachel, you're
setting a real bad example for the kids.

By the way, Mom, I really
hate to bring this up...

but there's still this little
matter of a bicycle and pony.

Hey, don't forget my dirt bike.

Kids, I'm hurt.

And after all I've
done for you...

I would think you'd be able to
do this tiny little thing for me...

without expecting
something in return.

Well, Mom, you were wrong.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Harriette, we are not
going to be blackmailed.

There's no evidence that anything
was ever wrong with that car.

I'm going to the parade now.

And I suggest that you
all get your stories straight.

Not that it matters...

because when I come back,
I plan to do a lot of yelling.

[MOUTHS] Oh, no.

Well, it was a nice day for a
parade. I mean, at least it didn't rain.

I wish it had. Maybe
they would've called it off.

Carl looked so miserable.

Yeah. When he came by...

I could hear him grinding his
teeth over the marching band.

We are in big trouble.

[EDDIE CHUCKLES]

Not me.

I've got written proof that
none of this is my fault.

Look. It's all my fault, okay?

And I'm gonna take full
responsibility for everything.

I'll just hold little Richie
when I tell Carl that.

Carl, before you say
anything, let me explain.

Rachel and I are to blame. We
never should've driven the car...

and we never should've tried
to repair it behind your back.

We never should've
dragged the kids into it.

We were totally wrong, and I
can't tell you how sorry I am.

Oh, Harriette, I
really wanted to yell.

Carl, I'm sorry too.

I was driving the car.

I just hope you can find it
in your heart to forgive me.

- I'm sorry too, Dad.
- Me too.

Me too.

What I can't understand...

is why you all didn't come to
me when you were in trouble.

We thought you'd be upset.

Well, I would have exploded.

But I would've cooled down
and would've worked it out.

But instead you guys went behind
my back. That's what really hurts.

Sorry, Carl. It'll
never happen again.

Me too, Carl. I promise.

- I promise.
- I promise.

I promise.

Okay, you guys are off the hook.

But, guys, remember,
we're a family.

Your problems are my problems.

But I can't do anything about them
unless you let me know what they are, okay?

Right baby. From now on,
this family sticks together.

Yeah.

By the way, who
fixed the fender?

Rachel did.

Think you could do it again?

Sure. Why?

Well, after the parade...

I accidentally backed
into the Sons of Italy float.

I'll get the torch.

[LAUGHING]

[ENGLISH SDH]