Family Matters (1989–1998): Season 1, Episode 14 - Baker's Dozens - full transcript

[HUMMING]

- Hey, Aunt Rachel.
- Hi.

We're going to the
mall. You wanna come?

I'm not exactly dressed for it.

I think I'll take a shower
instead. Have fun.

Hi, everybody.

Urkel, don't you ever knock?

No, I don't like
to disturb anyone.

If you guys are going
out, mind if I tag along?

We're not going anywhere.

Uh, we're playing hide-and-seek.



Hide-and-seek, that's it.

Oh, great. My parents
play this with me all the time.

Once, I found them in Milwaukee
living under an assumed name.

Okay, you're it. Go in
the closet and count to 25.

Gee, thanks, Laura. This
is gonna be loads of fun.

[STEVE SNORTS AND LAUGHS]

And, Laura, I'm
coming after you first.

Let's go.

Ready or not, here I come.

[SHOWER RUNNING]

That shower running
doesn't fool me, Laura.

[RACHEL SCREAMS]

Sorry, Rachel.

Wow!



- Good dinner, Mom.
- Yeah.

Thanks, sweetie. Who
wants to help with dishes?

- I got a ton of homework.
- Me too.

I'm going over to Rodney's.
He's got a new video game.

Freeze, nobody move.

It's tough having
a cop for a father.

Dinner isn't over
yet. I made dessert.

[ALL GROAN]

Well, this is my special
lemon cream tarts.

Come on, Carl.
Where'd you buy them?

At that little bakery that
named a doughnut after you?

For your information, Rachel,
I happen to be a great cook.

[SNICKERS]

Carl, you don't cook, you burn.

You burn eggs, you burn toast.

You're the only man I
know who burns Jell-O.

Well, I'll pretend I
wasn't insulted by that.

Because I know that once
you taste one of these babies...

you all will be
heaping me with praise.

I even made a special
one for little Richie.

A lemon cream tartette.

They look pretty good.

Judy, Dad made them.
How good can they be?

Of course, I know I'll
love them. Heh-heh.

Hey, this is good.

See? Edward likes them.

What does that prove?
Eddie eats paste.

Oh, no. This is a
lot better than paste.

Mmm. Carl, this is delicious.

Mmm!

Oh, this is better than
delicious, this is fantastic.

Where did you learn
how to cook like this?

It's my father's secret recipe.

The Winslow men have been
passing it down for generations.

- You never told me about it.
- Well, that's why it's a secret recipe.

Carl, if I had known
you could cook like this...

I would've hung up
my apron long ago.

Well, now it's time to pass on the
secret of the Winslow tart down to Edward.

Son, we've talked about
the birds and the bees.

Now it's time to talk about
the flour and the filling.

You're not gonna draw
stick figures again, are you?

Carl, do you think you could
whip up a batch of these...

for my writer's
workshop meeting?

Well, we usually only serve
these to family members...

but, hey, it's the '90s,
the Berlin Wall is down.

I'll make an exception.

Great.

Okay, now that we've all
enjoyed the Winslow tart...

who's gonna help with dishes?

- Homework.
- Homework.

- Rodney's.
- Diapers.

See, Carl, if you cooked
more, you'd know.

Never serve them dessert
until after the dishes are done.

Hi.

- Hi, honey.
- Hey, Dad.

How was your day?

It was a day like any other day.

We took a bite out of crime...

and the lawyers spit it
back out in the streets.

All right, everybody, listen up.

Carl, you know the batch of tarts
you made for my writer's workshop?

Well, one of the members of the
group is the manager of Roberto's Café.

He's the manager of a restaurant
and he wants to be a writer?

Well, what he really
wants to do is direct.

But the point is, he ate one
of your tarts and he loved it.

Carl, the restaurant
wants to buy your tarts.

The restaurant
wants to buy my tarts?

Yes. You know, I figure we can bake
a few batches right here in the house.

- That's...
- Wait a minute.

You and Carl, in
my kitchen, cooking?

I don't think so.

Oh, Harriette, relax. You know,
we won't make a mess of the kitchen.

It's a little project that will bring
the family some extra money.

Yeah, I like the sound of
this. Family-owned business.

Low overhead, quick returns.

A ready supply
of unskilled labor.

You know what?
She's right, Carl.

Now all we need is a
snappy name for the product.

How about this:
Carl's Cop Cakes.

I like that. I like that.

Hey, you think they'll put
my picture on the menu?

Oh, for Pete's sakes.

Wait a minute. A
picture is a great idea.

I think we should set this
up as a family corporation.

Everyone contributes,
everyone gets an equal share.

That's a good idea too.

Well, wait a minute. I don't wanna
seem petty, but it is my recipe.

Okay, you get two shares.

Wait a minute. I made the sale.

Okay, you get two shares too.

- What about Grandma?
- She's out of town.

Out of town, out of luck.

Laura, she's your grandmother.

- All right.
- Well, enough talk about shares.

- Let's talk about important
things. RACHEL: Okay.

You think I should wear
a chef's hat in my picture?

Ooh, a chef's hat.
That's a great idea.

[ALL CHATTERING]

- Is Rachel back from the restaurant yet?
- Not yet.

I told her to flirt with the manager.
Maybe he'll beef up the order.

Hi, everyone.

- Aunt Rachel, how did it go?
- It went great.

The restaurant loved them.

Not only that, but the
restaurant is part of a chain...

owned by one of those big
corporations, Amalgamated Foods.

And they loved them
too. This is gonna be big.

- Bigger than you can even imagine.
- Yeah.

But did you show
them my picture?

Yes, and they loved
everything. Let's celebrate.

Rachel, hold it. You're selling
too hard. What's the catch?

Is there bad news?

No, it's not really bad news.

The regional manager placed an order for
all the restaurants in the tristate area.

They want us to bake 1000.

Is that bad news?

No, it's not bad news.

A thousand tarts
is a lot of tarts.

But as long as they don't want
them by Monday, we can do it.

- So when do they want them?
- Monday.

Oh, so that's the bad news?

No, no. Not to me.

It means we're really gonna have
to pull together, but we can do it.

Carl, I like your attitude.

And that's exactly the way I felt
when I agreed to bake 1000 tarts.

Then I found out they
meant 1000 dozen.

A thou...? Twelve
thousand tarts by Monday?

This Monday? Day
after tomorrow, Monday?

That's the bad news.

Twelve thousand
tarts in two days.

It's not as many as it sounds.

I don't know. It
sounds like a lot.

I do know and it
sounds impossible.

Boy, Harriette, sometimes
you are so negative.

You always see the
glass as half empty.

I see it as half full.

Oh, it's full, all right.

It has 12,000 tarts in it.

Rachel, do you really think we can
bake that many tarts in two days?

Of course we can.

Carl, where there's
a will, there's a way.

We've got to dream
the impossible dream.

When the going gets
tough, the tough get going.

- Rachel.
- Hm?

I hate to interrupt
your clichés...

but you'll have to tell Amalgamated
Foods that you just can't do it.

It's not that easy.

They gave me an advance.

Well, give them the money back.

I can't do that.

On the way home, I stopped
off for a few odds and ends.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Uh, I'll... I'll get that. Why don't all of
you go upstairs and check on Richie?

Thanks so much.

Hi, Rachel. Got your order.

Thanks, Phil. That goes in
the kitchen, right through there.

PHIL: How you folks doing?

A few odds and
ends, huh, Rachel?

Just the bare necessities.

Oh, hi, Gus, how you doing?

That goes in the kitchen, right
through there. Follow Phil. Thanks.

Rachel, what's that?

It's a Bartlett 111.

That baby can mix 300
gallons of batter an hour.

Come on, I wanna
show you how it works.

Wait. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Rachel, have you lost your mind?

You know what your
problem is, Harriette?

You don't know
how to take risks.

Do you think Famous Amos
was famous before he took risks?

No.

And before she started baking,
who do you think Mrs. Fields was?

Miss Fields?

She was just an everyday housewife with
a couple of chocolate chips and a dream.

We've got a dream
too, Harriette.

And we are not gonna rest until
we make Carl the prince of tarts.

- Amen.
- You got it.

Hold the sermon.

Am I not good enough
to be the king of tarts?

Oh, Carl, you know you're
king. King of tarts, that's...

Look, look, look.

I know you guys think that
I'm the one who says stop...

when you wanna go. But
I've done a lot of baking...

and I know that what you're
about to do is impossible.

So I'm begging you, please.

Stop and think about
what you're getting into.

- All right, is everybody
with me? ALL: Yeah.

[CHATTERING]

Now I know how the pastry
chef felt on the Titanic.

ALL [SINGING]: We
work hard for the money

So hard for it, honey

Work that up in there, baby.
That's right. Put that in now.

So you better treat
us right CARL: Wow!

Yes. Now see, isn't this great?

I mean, not only are we
making extra money...

but we are making a memory.

- Hey, Mom.
- HARRIETTE: Mm-hm?

Mrs. Cordini says we can use
her oven all night, if we stop singing.

That woman never did have
any class. Look at Mr. Cordini.

Hi, Laura. You busy?

Forget it, Steve. I don't
even have time to be mean.

Great. Maybe I'll stay
a while. Can I help?

Yeah. You got an
oven we can use cheap?

Sure, you can use mine for free.

All I ask is for Laura's
hand in marriage.

Exactly how big is your oven?

Dad.

STEVE: Say...

is that a Bartlett 111?

Well, as a matter of fact,
it is. How did you know?

Well, they have one just like this
at the doughnut shop downtown.

You know, a mouse
fell in there once...

when they were making
a batch of jelly doughnuts.

Well, that's terrible.

Not really. They didn't
get one complaint.

Exactly which
doughnut shop was this?

The one next to
the police station.

You ever eat there, Carl?

Get him out of here.

Get him out.

No need to see me to the door.

I'll show myself out.

Come on, Judy, try to keep up.

I can't. I have a stomachache.

That's because you eat
more tarts than you make.

How would you like
a tart up your nose?

Come on, sweetheart.

It is way past your bedtime.

Mom, I hate tarts.

We all do, honey.

Rachel, I'm gonna
get you for this.

What a grouch.

I think we ought to take
away one of her shares.

Come on, everybody.
We're slowing down.

Well, Rachel, I'm
mixing as fast as I can.

How many more of these
stinking tarts do we need?

Nine thousand four
hundred and thirty-two.

We're never gonna
make it by Monday.

Dad, when are we
gonna take a break?

I don't know. Ask your Aunt
Rachel. She's the head tart.

Come on, we've
got tarts to make.

Rachel, you're putting
too much filling in those.

I'm what?

You shot your bag at me.

- Sorry.
- You did that on purpose.

- I did not.
- You did too.

- Did not.
- Did too.

Look, we're tired enough, okay?
Let's not waste our energy fighting.

You're right, Rachel.
Let's get back to work.

Darn.

- What's wrong now?
- Oh, my bag is clogged.

RACHEL: Heh-heh.
- Okay.

No more Mr. Nice-Guy.

Oh, come on, Carl.

Now, don't do something
you're gonna regret.

I'm not gonna regret
this. I'm gonna love it.

All right, stand back.

I've got flour here and
I'm not afraid to use it.

This is silly.

[ALL CHUCKLING]

- Truce?
- Truce.

- Sucker. RACHEL: Ooh!

Say your prayers, Winslow.

[EDDIE LAUGHING]

Food fight!

Hey, Dad.

You wouldn't dare.

[EDDIE LAUGHING]

[POTS AND PANS CLATTERING]

Excuse me.

Excuse me!

I saw your lights were
on. Got anything to eat?

RACHEL: Steve. EDDIE: Steve.

[EDDIE LAUGHING]

Hey! Hey, hey, hey!

Hey! Hey!

Look at you, people.

Look at my kitchen. Have
you all lost your minds?

- He started it.
- I did not.

- Wasn't me.
- Did not.

- Did.
- I was just minding my own business.

I just came over for a snack.

I don't care who
started it, it's over.

I'm not gonna say how
you acted like children...

or how you
destroyed my kitchen...

or what a dumb idea this was to
begin with. I'm not gonna say that.

I'm not gonna
say she started it.

And I'm not gonna
say I had lousy help.

Good, I'm glad we're all agreed.

- She started it. Did not. Did not.
- You did. Did.

HARRIETTE: Shut up!

Can I have a glass of
milk to go with my face?

[GROANS]

No.

No, I don't wanna
be the king of tarts.

No.

Get the mouse. Get the mouse.

Tarts incoming. Hit
the deck! Hit the...

- Daddy, you're dreaming.
- Oh. Oh.

- What time is it?
- Eight o'clock.

- Did you guys finish?
- Two hours ago.

Your Aunt Rachel took the
rest of the tarts to the restaurant.

Oy vey.

Did we get a check?

Yeah, it's right here.

Wow, we're rich.

Whoa. That's a lot of money.

Well, we still have to
deduct a few expenses.

- Like what?
- Well, like flour and eggs...

and bakery racks and pots
and pans and the Bartlett 111...

and the trailer I rented to
haul the tarts to the restaurant.

Rachel, what's the
bottom line here?

How much profit
are we looking at?

Twenty-four dollars.

We worked straight through the
weekend for a measly $24 a piece?

No.

Twenty-four dollars, total.

That's $4 a piece.

I knew this would never work.

Excuse me, Miss
Black Enterprise.

Weren't you the one who
was gonna take this public?

Harriette, I was the one who
put the thought in her head.

Me and my dumb ideas.

It wasn't a dumb idea.

It just wasn't thought out.

I just thought it
would be wonderful for

our family to start
our own little business.

No, no, no. It was all my fault.

I should've kept my
secret recipe a secret.

No, no, no. I
pushed you into it.

No, no, no. Now, I
had my name on it.

No, no, no. It was my fault.

No, no, no. It was
everybody's fault.

Except mine.

We did actually
bake 12,000 tarts.

Not counting the ones we
threw, that was pretty amazing.

Yeah. I liked the food fight.

[RACHEL & CARL LAUGH]

Well, I know one thing for sure:

This weekend, the Winslows
proved that they can do anything...

when they put their minds to it.

Now, isn't that the
truth? We are amazing.

And now we've got to set our
mind to cleaning up this kitchen.

CARL: Oh, no.
RACHEL: Let's go get it.

[ALL SIGHING]

HARRIETTE: Maybe we'll try
again next time. RACHEL: Yeah.

CARL: Yeah. Ha-ha-ha.

There's always that. Yeah,
that'd be the thing to do...

All right, let's get cracking.

- Homework.
- Homework.

Rodney's.

Why don't we take the $24 and
pay somebody to clean this up?

- Now, that's a good
idea. CARL: Mm-hm.

[ENGLISH SDH]