Family Matters (1989–1998): Season 1, Episode 13 - Man's Best Friend - full transcript

Hi, Eddie.

Urkel, why don't you ever knock?

Well, if I did, nobody
would ever let me in.

- Where's Laura?
- She's upstairs.

I'm gonna ask her
out for Saturday night.

Steve, don't waste your time.
She's never gonna go out with you.

STEVE: Hi, Laura.

I saw you.

I was wondering
if I could share...

the pleasure of your
company Saturday night?

I'm busy Saturday night.



Oh, how about Sunday night?

Urkel, let me put this
to you as nicely as I can.

I'm not going out with you.

I'm never going out with you.

You make my skin crawl.

I understand. I caught
you at a bad time.

She wants me bad.

All right, see you.

Did I do that?

- Hi, Mom. Hi, Aunt Rachel.
HARRIETTE: Hi, sweetie.

We have a surprise for
you. You are gonna love it.

Yeah, it's something
you can't live without.

I hope it's a maid.

I hope it's a man.



- Close your eyes.
- Okay.

Okay, open.

HARRIETTE: It's a dog.

Good, Harriette, you got
that right on the first try.

Isn't he cute, Mom?

He's adorable. What
a sweet little dog.

Now get him out of here.

He's got nowhere to go.

He's been hanging around
school for almost a week.

No tag. No license.

Yeah, we tried
to find his owner.

We called Pet Finders, put up
flyers, but nobody claimed him.

Can we keep him? Please?

Judy, quit whining. You
know your father's rule:

No animals in the house unless they're
in a bowl, a cage or a roasting pan.

Can't this be a special case?

Yeah, Harriette, come on.

Rachel, you're not helping.

Think of the fun Richie could
have with that cute puppy.

See the doggy. Nice doggy.

I'm sorry, but Carl won't
allow a dog in the house.

We'll just have to take
him to an animal shelter.

Rachel, take him
to the animal shelter.

Why do I get all the fun jobs?

Come on, boy.

[WHIMPERS]

Oh, Harriette, I can't take him to
the pound. Look at his little face.

Yes, you are cute.

Harriette, can't we keep him?

ALL: Please?

All right. I'll talk to your
father when he gets home.

Wait, wait. But it won't be easy.
You know Carl has a thing about pets.

CARL: Harriette, I'm home!
- Quick, get him upstairs.

Hide him in my room.

Hey, wait a
minute. I'll help you.

Rachel, where are you going?

Stay. Sit.

I'm not breaking
this to Carl alone.

I just had the worst
day of my entire life.

I was in a high-speed car
chase and I ran out of gas.

Do you know how
embarrassing that is?

And to top it off, I come home
and almost hit Edward's bicycle.

He left it in the
driveway again.

- Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
- I'm gonna have a talk with that boy.

- Is he home? Where is he, in his room?
- No!

I mean, yes, but you're
too tired. I'll get him for you.

Edward, come down here now!

EDWARD: I'll be right there.

No! No, don't drink
out of the toilet!

- What is going on up there?
- It's Judy.

You know, she hasn't
been herself lately.

I think I braided
her hair too tight.

Well, I'm gonna go watch...

I'm gonna go watch the news, see if
anybody had a worse day than I did.

I'll talk with Edward later.

When are you gonna
tell him about the dog?

- Gonna wait until he's in a good mood.
- When is that gonna be?

Well, let's see, he has
eight years till retirement...

I'll tell him at the party.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

- Who is it? RACHEL: Rachel.

Wait till you see what I bought
Mickey. Got him a leash...

food dish, water bowl
and Doggy Delights.

He's gonna love these.

Now, that's strange.

Says, "Dogs eat
them like candy."

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

- Who is it? LAURA: Dad.

Dad who?

LAURA: Edward, let me in.

Just a second, Dad.

I'll be right with you.

RACHEL: Come on, come
on. LAURA: Oh, my goodness.

Son, I...

What are you doing here?

Oh, just hanging out. You
know, listening to music.

- I don't hear any music.
- We make our own.

[SINGING] It's my prerogative

[EDWARD HUMMING]

I do what I wanna
do It's my prerogative

I can live my life
It's my prerogative

Do you all do this a lot?

Yeah, we're thinking
of going on Star Search.

Son, I just wanted to say I'm sorry
that I blew up at dinner about the bike.

I had a real bad day.

It's okay, Dad.

I guess I'll turn in early.

Okay. Well, good
night. See you later.

Sleep well. Good night.

- Good night.
- Hey, what are these?

- Oh, my... RACHEL: Carl.

Hey, these are
good. What are they?

It's just a little snack I picked
up at the health-food store.

Well, try them.
They're delicious.

Here, try one.

- Something wrong?
- Oh, no. Nothing's wrong. See.

- Mm. Aren't they
great? ALL: Mm.

Well, good night.

Edward, clean up this room. It
smells like an animal lives in here.

Ech!

You know, Dad was
right. These are good.

LAURA: So did you
tell Dad about Mickey?

I told him a hundred times.

- What did he say?
- Nothing. He was asleep.

- Harriette!
- He's awake.

Quick, hide the
dog. Hide the dog.

What happened to
my favorite slipper?

Carl, it just wore out.

Wore out?

This looks like a wild
animal got ahold of it.

I bet it was little Richie.

You know how he
likes to chew on things.

This was not done by
somebody with one tooth.

[SCRATCHING NOISE]

What was that?

What was what?

That noise. Sound like it
came from the laundry room.

- I didn't hear anything.
Kids? LAURA: No.

- Not me. JUDY: Uh-uh.

[CLANGING]

I didn't hear that either.

HARRIETTE: Carl, don't open this door.
- And why not?

No special reason. Just a whim.

Harriette, step aside.

Oh, look. A dog.

Harriette, what is a dog
doing in the laundry room?

His laundry?

Harriette.

Carl, he followed the
kids home from school.

Harriette, now, you
know my rule about pets.

I know, honey, but we were thinking
maybe you'd make an exception this time.

Well, honey, a rule is a rule.

Carl, the poor dog needs a home.

Have a heart.

Dad, he's a really nice dog.

Yeah, he's got your eyes.

Case closed.

Oh. Carl, you brought
home a dog. How wonderful.

Rachel, he knows and he
doesn't wanna keep him.

Oh.

Don't you like dogs, Carl?

Well, I love dogs.

- Then why don't you wanna
keep him? CARL: Oh, look.

When I was 6, my father brought
home this cute little cocker spaniel puppy.

We went everywhere together.

He'd follow me to school every
day and wait for me outside.

- I have a question. CARL: What?

Why would your father
follow you to school every day?

The dog followed
me, Edward. The dog.

Okay. Got it.

For 10 years, that little
rascal and I were inseparable.

I loved that dog
more than anything.

Then one day, he
got sick and died.

Well, I was crushed.

For weeks, I'd walk to school looking
behind me, thinking he'd be there.

Of course, he wasn't.

[RACHEL CRYING]

That's the saddest
story I ever heard.

Well, after that, I swore I'd never
get close to another pet again.

[BLOWING NOSE]

Sorry.

Carl, that was 20 years
ago. Get some therapy.

Harriette, I'm just trying to spare
the kids the pain that I went through.

Oh, come on, Carl. You had
10 wonderful years with that dog.

Well, yeah...

And think about all
the good it did for you.

I mean, it taught you about
responsibility and how to love.

[WHIMPERS]

Yeah, Dad, what do you say?

Please.

- Oh, all right.
EDWARD: Yes, Dad.

You can keep him, but this
dog is your responsibility.

The three of you have got to
walk him, brush him, feed him.

And most important of
all, keep him away from me.

Don't worry, Dad. He
does whatever we say.

Sit, Mickey.

- Sit, Mickey. Mickey, I
said "sit." JUDY: Mom!

EDWARD: Sit, Mickey. JUDY: Mom!

EDWARD: I mean it. Sit!

We're going to the mall.

Wait a minute. Did you
take care of the dog?

I fed him, Eddie brushed him...

and he dragged Judy
around the block three times.

Put him in the
kitchen, out of my way.

[SIGHS]

Hi, Carl.

Don't you think you ought to
start calling me Mr. Winslow?

Yeah. That's what my
parents, Herb and Diane tell me.

- Where's Laura?
- She's gone for the day.

Oh. I'll wait.

Want anything from the fridge?

Don't Herb and
Diane ever feed you?

They usually send me out.

[DOG BARKING & STEVE SCREAMS]

Stop. Stop!

Stop! Stop. Ah!

So you got a dog.

Gotta run, Carl.

Tell Laura I'll call her.

Cute dog. I think he likes me.

[BARKS]

Good dog. Good dog.

That's it. I've had
it with that dog.

What happened?

Look what he did to
my algebra homework?

Tell your teacher
your dog ate it.

I can't. I used that excuse
before we got the dog.

Well, listen. You all come on,
sit down and eat your breakfast.

And, Eddie, don't forget to feed
Mickey before you go to school.

Mom, all that dog does is eat.

I don't believe it.

- My science project is ruined.
- What happened?

I spent two weeks making a
papier-mâché model of our solar system...

and last night, Mickey
took a bite out of Pluto.

I don't believe this. Take
the dog out of the street...

give him a home and
this is the thanks I get.

Hey, everybody.
You gotta see this.

This dog is a genius.
Come here, Mickey.

Sit, Mickey. Sit. Sit, Mickey.

Speak. Speak.

[BARKS]

Speak.

Ha, ha, ha. That's great. Harriette, I
sure wish our kids were this well-behaved.

[LAUGHING]

Well, I think I'll go to
work now. See you later.

- All right, sweetie. Have a nice day.
- Okay. Bye, Mick.

EDWARD: Hey, he took our bacon.

- Mickey! RACHEL: Harriette?

- Mickey! RACHEL: Harriette.

- Mickey!
- Harriette!

What?!

Have you seen my workout suit?

- It's in the laundry room. Mickey.
- Oh, thanks.

[RACHEL SCREAMING]

HARRIETTE: What happened?

Looks like Mickey struck again.

Well, he's a dog.
What do you expect?

Mom, isn't that your
new silk blouse?

That's it. That dog is out
of here. Mickey! Mickey!

Hi, everybody.

Where's Mickey?
Here, boy. Here, Mickey.

Look what I got him. A Frisbee.

Help him develop great
eye-snout coordination.

- Here, boy.
- Carl, Carl.

Sit down. We need to talk.

Why?

What's wrong?

I have something to
tell you about Mickey.

Oh, no. Is he sick? Is he lost?

Carl, he's fine.
He's in the garage.

In the garage? Why?

Carl, he's destructive.

He's eaten clothes and
furniture and sporting equipment.

And I don't like the way
he looks at little Richie.

Well, that doesn't
sound like my dog.

My dog is a sweet,
gentle, playful little puppy.

Carl, around you, he's Benji.

Around us, he's Cujo.

Well, he'll grow out of it. He's still
adjusting to his new surroundings.

Carl, he's a big dog.

Too big to be pent
up in the house all day.

- He needs room to run and play.
- Well, I take him to the park.

Carl, he's an
active, outdoor dog.

He needs to live in the
country, not in the city.

Well, we'll sell the
house and buy a farm.

Carl, come on.

[SIGHS]

- Well, does everybody feel this way?
- Yes.

- Yep.
- Definitely.

[SIGHS]

Well, all right. I'll
find him a nice home.

But please, let me be
the one to break it to him.

I didn't wanna mention this, but
he's not crazy about the rest of you.

[SIGHS]

Well, big guy...

guess you and I
gotta say goodbye.

Aw...

I know, I know.

Hey, but this is
hard for me too.

[DOG WHIMPERS]

But I made a few phone calls
and I found you a real nice home.

It's in the country.

Have somebody to
take you hunting, fishing.

A lot of space for you to
dig holes and chase rabbits.

And a whole forest
for you to chew on.

That sounds okay, right?

[DOG WHIMPERS]

I'm really gonna
miss you too, pal.

It's been nice knowing you.

Well, I just dropped
Mickey off at his new home.

How did it go?

There was a lot of
whimpering, a lot of sniffling.

Yeah, but how
did Mickey take it?

Okay, I guess.

But he's sure gonna miss
me. I'm sure gonna miss him.

[CARL SIGHS]

Dad, you were right.

Having a pet is a
big responsibility.

Yeah. And at least you
found Mickey a good home.

And you still have us.

Hi, everybody.

I could've sworn
I locked that door.

You did. I took the liberty
of making my own key.

What do you want, Steve?

You mean, besides Laura?

I noticed from my window
that you got rid of your dog.

Wise choice.

But knowing how important it
is for every man to have a pet...

I brought you this.

Oh. An ant farm.

[CHUCKLES]

I don't see any ants.

Oh, you have to
send off for them.

But don't worry. I knew
this was an emergency...

so I brought you some
from my own personal supply.

There are 5000 in there,
including a pregnant queen.

See? See? There she...

CARL: Oh, no! Ah! No, no!

Oh. Your Majesty? Your Majesty?

[ENGLISH SDH]