Family Guy (1998–…): Season 9, Episode 15 - Brothers & Sisters - full transcript

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ is violence in movies
and sex on TV. ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ on which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy. ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ all the things that make us ♪

♪ laugh and cry. ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

♪ Family Guy 9x15 ♪
Tiegs for Two
Original Air Date on April 10, 2011

Peter, I need you to
pick up the dry cleaning.



Here's the ticket.

It's the Chinese
one over on Elm.

All right. Well, I need my
other white shirt back anyway.

This one's getting
kind of smelly.

And if I wore another color,

I think it would
just throw people.

You only have
two white shirts?

Well, I had a third one,
but it got ruined

at that wine tasting at
Michael J. Fox's house.

Hi. I'm Peter Griffin.

Now, we were going to show you
the actual scene,

but it... It would just
make us all sad.

So, I... I'm just going to
tell you what happened.

See, he has this disease,
and it makes him shake a lot,



and what with all the shaking,

he spilled his wine
all over my shirt,

and my shirt, uh, was ruined.

So that's what that was.

Um... I mean,
he was very nice about it.

He said... He said,
"Send me the bill."

Which, I mean, that's not
how he said it, uh, but...

You know, we got there.

Anyway, I sent him the bill,
and he sent me this check.

But, uh... It's...

I... I don't... I don't...
I don't think

I'm going to be able
to cash this. Um...

I don't... You'd think Tracy Pollan would...
Would be in charge

of the checkbook, you know?

'Cause I mean,
what else is she doing right now?

I mean, that's
where it's gotten.

So... Anyway,
that's what happened to my shirt.

I'm glad we took the high road
on this one.

Wh... What's that?

Oh, wait, now they're telling me
they do want to show it.

I really like the finish
on this Shiraz...

Son of a bitch!
What is your problem?

Aw, damn.
Which one's the Chinese one?

That's probably it.

(sensor makes "bing bong" sound)

(bing bong)

(bing bong)

(bing bong)

(bing bongs overlapping)

You stop make bing bong!
Every bing bong two cent!

What you want?

Uh, yeah.
I'm here to pick up my cleaning?

Aw, cool, look at that!

Aw, this seems like it'd
be a great place to work.

But I...

I didn't go to college.

That twenty dollar.

Hey, uh,
I think you forgot my shirt.

- There no shirt.
- Well, no, I know you have my white shirt.

- Can you check again?
- No need check.

I no have your shirt.

Listen here, Washee-Washee,
you do have my shirt.

I no have your shirt.

You yes have my shirt!

- You get out my store!
- You get me shirt!

- You go or I call police!
- You no dare call police!

Oh, you want to play game,
fatso? You big, big...

- 911!
- Fine! I go. But this no over.

I take picture of Ang Lee.

Good! He do too many white
people movie anyway!

(bing bong)

(bing bongs overlapping)

You no come back, ever!

I no like you American!
And all you American look alike!

Oh, we all look alike, do we?

Well, look who's talking!

What do you mean we
can't go there anymore?

Who gives a crap?
We'll get a new cleaners.

- They're all the same.
- They are not all the same!

Peter, I have been going to
Mr. Washee-Washee for ten years,

and I am not finding
another dry cleaner.

Now we are going to
invite him over for dinner,

and you are going
to apologize.

(sighs)
All right, fine.

MR. WASHEE-WASHEE:
Hello?

Hi, Mr. Washee-Washee,
it's Peter Griffin.

Um, my wife wants to invite
you over for dinner.

- What you having?
- Number 32?

Ooh!

Peter, isn't there something
you'd like to say

to Mr. Washee-Washee?

(grumbles)

Peter.

Fine.

Mr. Washee-Washee,
I'm sorry I was rude at your store.

Is okay.
I accept your bad apology.

Good.
Now give me back my shirt!

- Peter!
- I no have your shirt!

- You yes have my shirt!
- Enough!

You all banned from my store!

Bing bong.

Great, Peter.
Nice going.

This dinner was
a disaster.

Eh, Clash of the Titans
owl was worse.

So you're from Greece.

I've always wanted
to go there.

What's it like?

(whirring)

(mechanical hooting)

Yeah, I can't... I can't
understand a word he's saying.

Yeah. I told you, Lois,
only Harry Hamlin can.

If you're going to
invite the owl

you got to invite
Harry Hamlin.

I will not have Harry
Hamlin in this house.

413, 413.

I think this is it, Chris.

Ooh! The Mr. Sulu Show!

(to Star Trek theme music)
♪ Sulu, he star of the show... ♪

♪ Other guys just along
for the ride... ♪

He's got my shirt in there,
I can feel it.

All right, I'm going inside.

I knew it!

Drop it,
or I blow you head off!

Listen, Washee-Washee,
that's my shirt,

and I ain't leaving
here without it.

That no your shirt!

Oh, yeah?

Okay, it's not my shirt.

You break in my house,
I can kill you legally.

Fine, shoot me!
But you're going to ruin the shirt.

Take off shirt!

Well, it seems we're
at an impasse.

How do you propose
we settle this?

- We have fight. But I pick venue.
- Deal.

(video game music plays)

ANNOUNCER:
Round One. Fight!

(shouts)

(shouts)

(shouting gibberish)

(grunting)

(cry echoes into distance)

(cackling)

You lose.

Hi, I'm here
for Peter Griffin.

Wait over there.

Not the best way to spend
a Thursday night, huh?

(sighs)
You can say that again.

I was hoping to be at this
Democratic Party fundraiser.

Oh, God, is that tonight?

Aw... You know,
I promised Barry I'd be there.

I... I call him "Barry,"
you probably know him as "Barack."

Um... Yeah.

So what are
you doing here?

Ah, I'm picking up
my friend Peter.

Are you picking up a...
boyfriend?

No, actually. I got arrested for
protesting the Wal-Mart opening.

Oh, yeah.
I went to the first part of that,

but then some fireworks went off
and I ran for two miles straight.

(laughs)

- I'm Denise.
- I'm Brian.

Hey, would you mind if
I asked for your number?

Who knows? Maybe we could
get arrested together.

(laughing)

Sure. I'd like that.

Number 3287.

Come on, Peter.
I'm here to take you home.

I don't know, Brian.

This is the only world
I know anymore.

Peter, you've been in there
for fifteen minutes.

Good morning, everyone.

Oh, crap,
he's in love again.

I know, I know.
But this time it's for real.

You know, I...
I really feel like Denise is the girl

I've waited my whole life for.

Oh, please,
you've only known her a week.

Besides, I thought Jillian was

the girl you waited
your whole life for.

Well, Jillian was.

But I'll...
I'll never get her back.

But Denise... I really think
there's something special there.

Brian, you went to one
protest rally with her.

It's hardly a date.

Oh yeah? You want to see?

I'll call her right now
and ask her out to dinner.

Hey, Denise?
It's me.

Brian.

Brian Griffin.

STEWIE:
Oh, boy.

Um, hey, listen, you know,
I've had such a great time

hanging out with you,
and I was thinking...

How about we go
on an actual date?

Uh-huh.

Sounds great!

Bye.

So?

Well, guess who has
a date on Saturday?

Not me.
(sobbing)

PETER: Put the dog out.
The dog's crying.

Can someone put... Lois!
Can someone put the dog out?

I'm trying to read!

Ugh, what the hell?
What's the matter with you?

Did an ambulance
go by or something?

Hey, Brian... Aw, sweet!
Morning drinking!

Whoo, yeah!
Party!

Peter, I'm not getting
drunk for fun.

I'm drinking because I'm sad.

Because I'm never going to
meet the right woman.

Because I'm...
I'm going to die old and alone.

Oh, you're
Rip Torn drinking.

Well, you know, listen.
Instead of sitting here

feeling sorry for yourself,

why don't you take Quagmire's
class on picking up chicks?

Quagmire teaches a class?

How come I've never
heard about this?

'Cause Quagmire forbids us
to tell you about his life.

As you may recall, he hates you.

Ah, wouldn't help me anyway.
It's a hopeless situation.

You know, if you ever want to
get anywhere with this girl,

you gotta ditch that
negative attitude.

You're...
You're as bad as Negatron.

Do as I command,

and we will defeat the Autobots
once and for all!

Nope.
Not going to work.

Oh, come on.
What did we talk about?

Autobots always win.

You think Optimus
Prime's gonna be dead,

but then he's not dead.

I'm taking this from a robot
that turns into a canoe?

When there's a battle on

a gently-moving river,
you'll want me.

Now as I said before,
I can't make you into studs.

I can only help you bring out
your "inner stud."

But there's a lot
of potential here.

Now how many of you guys think

a woman is looking
for Prince Charming?

Wrong! They're looking for
bastards like me!

Well, I don't...
I don't know about that.

Mort, how many times you been
laid since your wife died?

Do Muriel's clothes count?

No! You want to know

how many times I've been laid
since last night? 60!

Why? 'Cause I'm not trying
to be a girl's Prince Charming.

I'm trying to be
that big mistake

they made at the bar
last night.

Look, what's the first thing you say
to a woman when you meet her?

Pleased to meet you.
That's a handsome scarf pin.

No! You say,

"Hi, there. How's your
relationship with your father?"

If she says anything positive,
move along.

Hey. Sorry I'm late.

Brian!
What are you doing here?

- I'm in your class.
- What? No way!

I don't want you in here!

Too bad.
Here's my class receipt.

Now teach me how
to find love.

All right. Fine.

But you lick yourself once in
this class and you're out!

Don't look, don't look!

I spilled something.

All right, time to practice
what we've learned.

You're up, Brian.

Now, go hit
on that fat chick.

- What? Why?
- Do it or you get an "F".

All right.

Uh, excuse me.

I was just looking you
over and I had a question.

Are those highlights in
your hair or potato chips?

- Highlights!
- Okay.

Hey, will you sign this form
that says I hit on you?

Sassy!

You've got me sweating
above and below my ass.

Let's go, lover.

Okay, what the (bleep)?

I know, I know.

Quagmire told us to dress
flashy so girls would notice us.

Oh, right, peacocking.
How's the class going?

Well, so far so good,
I guess.

But tonight's the real test.

I'm gonna try out what
I've learned on Denise.

Well, good luck.

Hey, who was that
fat chick

sneaking out of
here this morning?

Oh, that was someone
I met from class. Bettina.

Ooh, that's way too
fancy a name for her.

Her name should be "Thud" or...
or "Oof."

You know, I have to admit, Brian,
I'm glad you called.

I sort of missed
hanging out.

Call me The Paw.

That's what I go by now,
The Paw.

- Oh, okay.
- Yeah.

A lot of babes here tonight.

Shut up for a couple minutes,
I'm gonna look around.

Uh, Brian, you're being
kind of disrespectful.

Ah, relax, baby.

Hey, check your phone.
I sent you something.

(gasps)
Oh, my God! Is... Is that your...?

Yeah. How'd you like to get hit
in the face with that?

Okay, you know what?
I'm gonna go.

Why, you getting
more moles put on?

You know, I came here 'cause
I thought I'd made a mistake

by not giving you a chance,

but it's obvious you're
just another typical jerk.

Denise, wait!

All right, let's see
what you guys have done

to make yourselves look
like douchebags.

You're a son of a bitch.

You're teaching us all this
crap about how to get women

and it's all a bunch of bull!

I came here 'cause
I wanted to get Denise back

and instead,
you ruined my life!

These skills aren't for women
you care about, you idiot.

This course is in getting laid,
not finding love.

So, what's the point?

If you never find love,
then it's just meaningless sex.

How will I get the woman
of my dreams?

Only when you're ready.

And maybe not even then.

You see, women are a lot like
Saturday Night Live sketches.

Lots of them are awful,
some are decent,

and a few are pretty good.

But then there's that one...
That one woman

who's as amazingly perfect
as "Massive Head Wound Harry."

For me, that woman
is Cheryl Tiegs.

You'd never fall
for these tricks.

That's why I keep trying
to figure out

how to bring you
back into my life.

So we can make it work.

I still remember the day we met.

Hey-ho, look at the man
on the unicycle.

Look at the man on the unicycle
with a parrot on his shoulder.

Hey-ho,
put five cents in the hat.

That's quite a skill
you've got the.

Well, ever since I got
discharged from the Navy,

I do anything I can
to make money.

I'm thinking about getting
my pilot's license.

Well, I think
unicycles are sexy.

Glenn, these past few weeks
have been amazing.

I think I'm falling
in love with you.

I know. I feel the same way.

If this is the kind of joy

the '80s has in store for me,
I'm ready.

But that wasn't the case.

In fact, things went
wrong real fast.

Uh, Cheryl, don't you think
it's time for us to go now?

Why? We just got here?

- I'm having a good time.
- Yeah, I can tell.

You've been talking to
John Davidson for half an hour.

Hey, Glenn,
great to meet you.

John Davidson,
host of That's Incredible.

Oh, hey, John.
I like your work...

Not!

That was the first time
anybody ever used that.

First time, I swear to God.

Glenn, I've about had it
with your petty jealousy.

I'm starting to think this
relationship is a mistake.

Well, maybe it is.

Wow, did you just break up
with Cheryl Tiegs?

I sure did.

What do you think of that,
folks?

ALL:
That's incredible!

Someday...
Someday we'll make it right.

You shouldn't have tried
these tricks on Denise, Brian.

But if you ask me,
she got lucky,

because now she's dodged
the bullet of being

in a relationship with
a loser like you.

Well, you just think you know
everything, don't you?

Y... You're like a black
woman in hindsight.

I told you.
What did I tell you?

Didn't I tell you?
'Cause I told you.

Mm-hmm,
and when did I tell you?

A long time ago.

And what did I say would
happen when I told you?

Exactly what just happened.

(doorbell ringing)

Wha... Are... Are you...

Cheryl?!

Hi, Glenn.

Oh, my God. Cheryl.

Wha...
What are you doing here?

Well, you know,
it's been so many years,

and I was in the neighborhood,

and I thought I'd just
drop by and say hi.

My new boyfriend I guess knows you,
and told me where you live.

(car horn honks)

Hey, Cheryl, get your fat ass
over here before I dump you.

He's so bossy. I love it.

Well, it was great
seeing you, Glenn.

(laughing)

(loud pounding)

QUAGMIRE:
Where is he?!

Where's that
son of a bitch?!

Whoa, whoa.
What's going on, Quagmire?

You dirty bastard.

I always knew
you were low,

but you're nothing more than
a back-stabbing, junkyard cur.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
what the hell, man?

My whole life's been
dedicated to Cheryl Tiegs!

Yeah, I know. So what?

Your dog is dating her!

No way.

You're banging Cheryl Tiegs?

- Yeah.
- Oh, my God.

Light the beacons.

(fanfare playing)

Cheryl Tiegs.
Nice.

I really like
this restaurant.

Well, you seem to
like everything.

Brian, you're acting
a little distant.

Yeah, get whatever you want.

Oh, hey guys,
fancy me running into you here.

Oh, hey, Quagmire.

Listen, Brian, I...
I've been a real heel,

and I'd like
to make it up to you.

Oh, well, that's very kind of you,
but there... There's no need.

No, no, no, no,
I... I want to. I want to.

In fact, you know,
since you guys are already here,

I'd like to treat
the four of us to dinner.

Well, sure, I...
Wait, who's the fourth?

Oh, my new girlfriend.

Here she is.

- Jillian?
- Hi, Brian.

How are you?

Oh, he's doing great.

Isn't that right, pal?

Guy looks like a million bucks,
all green and wrinkly, right?

Oh, get in here.

Ha-ha, hey, ho, ho,
whoa, heh.

Okay, let's, uh...
Let's have dinner, huh?

So, uh, how did you
guys get together?

Um, he showed up at my door

and said he was
a Federal Boob Inspector.

And I was gonna tell him to go away,
but he had a warrant.

It was a Snickers wrapper, Brian.

I held up a Snickers wrapper.

But then he started saying
things to me

that my father might say
if he were still alive,

and I knew I liked him.

Well, I guess you guys have
gotten pretty close, huh?

Did Quagmire ever tell you
he was obese as a child?

Did Brian ever tell you
he once had a tick

on the back of his neck that he
couldn't reach with his mouth,

and it swelled up to the
size of a ping-pong ball?

Well, it was still smaller
than that thing

you had on your lip
for three years.

Oh, three years?
You mean like

the three years you
have left on this planet?

Oh, that's nice.

Hey, if you guys are so close,
maybe Jillian should know

that you teach a class
in picking up women.

And Cheryl should know
that you took that class.

Does Jillian know you're half Polish,
Mr. Quagglechek?

You son of a bitch!

(snarling)

Enough.
Stop it, both of you.

You obviously have
no respect for either of us.

Yeah, you're acting all mean.

Now I'm glad you made me
face away during sex.

Maybe you boys will get
it together someday,

but it looks like that's
all you are: Boys.

Yeah. Boys.
Yay, I helped.

- Cheryl, wait.
- Jillian.

I'm sorry.
I'll do anything, please.

Meg?

Yeah, this still
happens sometimes.

Hey.

- You okay?
- Yep.

Just waiting for my car.

Look, I'm sorry
I did what I did.

Cheryl's great,
and I hope someday

you get the chance
to be with her.

No. I'm never gonna get
that chance again.

I blew it for good, Brian.

And you know what?

I deserve to be lonely.

I'm no saint.

I dated Jillian
just to hurt you.

It's okay.

It probably wouldn't have worked out,
like everything else.

Hey, you know, may...
Maybe it took us

stealing each other's girls
to finally become friends.

Yeah, maybe.

Oh, hey, uh, listen,
Cheryl actually drove me,

and I spent all my cash
in the restaurant

even... Even...
Even though you said you'd pay.

So, uh, would you mind
giving me a lift home, buddy?