Family Guy (1998–…): Season 9, Episode 14 - Tiegs for Two - full transcript

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ is violence in movies
and sex on TV. ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ on which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy. ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ all the things that make us ♪

♪ laugh and cry. ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

♪ Family Guy 9x14 ♪
Trading Places
Original Air Date on March 20, 2011

We interrupt this
program because I have had



kind of a crap day,

and I know all the station
passwords to do it.

So, smell that finger, Quahog!

Ooh, a drunk news report
from Tom Tucker.

We haven't had one of those
since they canceled Passions.

This should be good.

Okay, our top story tonight:
A local car dealer has announced

a "Hands on a Hard Body"
promotion in which

a used dirt bike will be reward...
awarded to the one customer

who can successfully outlast
his competitors.

And, and in other news,
they're bringing back Passions!

Yes, they are!

Holy crap! A dirt bike!
That's awesome!

Lois, I'm gonna win that thing!



Peter, why would you want
a used dirt bike

when you already have a car?

Because this is 1978, Lois,

and dirt bikes have
never been hotter.

Besides, I get one
of those things,

it's gonna be a buffet
of beav.

Mmm, I don't know.
Seems stupid to me.

Thanks to all of you for coming
out today.

In just a minute, we'll begin

our "Hands on a Hard Body"
contest.

And the lucky one of you who can
keep his or her hand on

this dirt bike for the longest
amount of time

will get to take it home!

Yeah, all right! Yeah!

Okay, everyone who wants to win
this dirt bike,

come on up and put a hand on it!

Mr. Pewterschmidt?
What are you doin' here?

You want a used dirt bike?

Oh, not at all. But Lois told
me how much you wanted it.

So I decided to win it
for myself

just so I could destroy
it in front of you.

And the clock starts... now!

How are you gonna destroy
a dirt bike?

You can't even open
your own aspirin.

With that.

Aw, damn it!

Ooh! Our first hand off
the dirt bike!

Huh. I guess you're out,
Mr. Pewterschmidt.

Well, I already paid
for that thing.

So I'm just gonna stick around
and smash other stuff you like.

Hey, fat-ass, you like, um...

You like, uh...

This... This bus bench?

Uh... I... It's okay.

All right, that's good enough for me.
I'm smashing it!

Haha! You loved that thing.

Amazing!

Nine hours with no break!

Who's gonna win this thing?

You might as well give up now,
Mr. Mayor.

- This dirt bike is mine.
- Like heck, it is!

- Hey, check your phone.
- Why?

I just sent you a picture
of a kitten in sunglasses.

Well, this I gotta see!

Hello, cool kitty.

Oh...!

And we have a winner!

Aw, darn it.

Well, I guess I'll just disappear
into that field of corn.

Help! I'm lost in corn!

Hey, where's Peter?

I don't know. I haven't heard
from him since he left work.

Hope you made extra.
I brought a guest.

What the hell?! Who is this?!

- This is my dirt bike girlfriend.
- Amber.

I'm a dirt bike guy now,

so I need a dirt bike
girlfriend.

Yes, she has small breasts,

but she makes up
for it by smoking.

Peter, she has to leave.

We're havin' dinner.

No, Lois! I will not allow you
to look down on Amber

just 'cause she goes to an
alternative high school!

There's different ways
to measure intelligence

besides someone's
grade-point average!

Fact is, she rumpled up some
poetry she wrote

and threw it away in a fit,

but I un-rumpled it,
and it was really good!

Fine. Amber,
would you like to have

some dinner with our family?

Nah, I can't.

I got a wicked bruise on
the back of my throat.

Ladies and gentlemen,
please rise for our national anthem,

performed this afternoon by
Peter Griffin and his dirt bike.

There it is, Meg.

What do you say
we take it for a spin?

Chris, get off there.

You shouldn't
be sitting on that.

Come on.

That's fake.

Come on, Meg, just get on!

Hey, Meg, check it out.

I'm gonna jump
that fire hydrant.

Chris, don't!
You're gonna wreck Dad's bike!

Too late,
I already narrowed my eyes.

Chris, you idiot!
Look at what you did!

You mean look what two black
teenagers did

when they stole Dad's bike.

What were you kids thinking?!

You could have been killed!

It was Chris' idea.
He talked me into it.

Is that right?

So you like taking dirt bikes
that don't belong to you, huh?

Then here, have a whole
carton of cigarettes!

W... What?!

Peter, that's not what
this is about.

See how you like 'em!

Here, I'll even
get you started.

Dad, I don't smoke.

Sure, you don't now.
But keep at it.

You'll get the hang of it.

By the end of that pack,

you'll be smoking like a real pro.
Like a cool kid.

There, that's it.

Gettin' smoother, isn't it?

- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah!

Wait till you try it after a meal.
Delicious!

And after sex?
Forget about it.

It's like puttin' your penis
to sleep in a feather bed.

I think I may want
more cigarettes.

Oh, I'll get you more
cigarettes.

But I'm pretty mad
about my dirt bike!

Kids, I'm sorry to say this,

but I think the two of you need
to be punished.

Look, it was an accident, okay?

I mean, you can always buy
another one, right?

Buy another one?!

You know, I don't think
you kids appreciate

how hard your father and I work

to provide you with
everything we do.

Sometimes you just seem
to take us for granted.

You know, it's very
difficult bein' a parent.

No, it's not.

You get to do
anything you want.

And you get to make
all the rules.

Damn right I do,
'cause I make the money!

I'm the big...
mamoo around here!

Now, when you start bringin'
in a paycheck

and providin' for this family,
then you can make the rules!

Well, I'd do a better
job of it than you!

Oh, you think so, huh?

Well, maybe you'd like
to try it for a little while.

- You be the adults!
- What do you mean?

I mean, maybe we try
a little experiment.

You kids switch places
with your dad and me.

For the next week, you'll be the
parents and we'll be the kids.

- Seriously?
- Yeah, that'd be awesome!

That sounds great!

That's a great idea, Lois.
Crisscross!

- Yes, that is a crisscross.
- Yes!

- So we got a deal?
- Yeah, we got a deal.

- Face/Off!
- No, Peter.

Road House.

- Here's your breakfast, Lois.
- Thank you, Mom.

Wh... Wh... What is...
What is this? What's goin' on?

Oh, apparently,
Chris and Meg are switching places

with Peter and Lois
for the week.

Myah!

Hey, Mom, do you mind
if I go shoppin'

with Jennifer after school?

No, Peter, no, no,
you're still you.

Y... You're just a teenager.
You're not switching genders.

Ah. I shall return.

Well, I'm off to work
at the brewery.

Okay, have a good day, honey.

- You know, Brian, you and I should do...
- No.

Okay, it just, it... It... It...
It looked fun.

All right, time to make all those
popular kids pay for ignoring me!

Peter, no, y... You're just
a normal high school kid.

Oh.

Hey, Lance, it's off, it's off,
it's off, it's off.

Throw this phone away, Lois!

Griffin, did you finish
those reports I gave you?

Right here, Angela.

Wow. You know, I gotta say,
when your dad told me

about this whole switching
places thing,

I was kinda skeptical,

but you're actually
doing good work.

Well, it's a lot easier
than high school,

I'll tell you that.

Well, how do you mean?

High school's like
Lord of the Flies.

It's a social nightmare.

And I hear Canadian high
schools are even worse.

Well, well, look who
matriculated to grade nine.

Someone wants
to get into university.

Hey, guys, I'm sorry.

Well, you're gonna be "sore-y"

when we put you in
the hospital for free, eh?

I don't know what the kids are
complainin' about.

This ain't so bad.

I know, this is fun.

I haven't been
to a pep rally in years.

- Do you have school spirit?!
- Yeah!

- Do you have school spirit?!
- Yeah!

Who's got
the most school spirit?!

I do!

Show me your school spirit!

The players will remember
this while they're playing.

Hey, Mom,
where the hell's dinner?

I'm starving.

Oh man,
can you imagine the disaster

she's gonna walk out here with?

She has no idea how
hard it is to cook.

Yeah, yeah, I bet...
I bet she comes out with just like...

Just like a poop
on a plate, right?

Poop on a plate would be good,
because at least

there'd be traces
of my food still in there.

Oh ho ho, snap! Snap! Snap!

Hey, guys?

Give her a (bleep) chance,
all right?

Here it is, gang.

Seared ahi tostadas,
grilled asparagus, couscous,

and for dessert,
molten chocolate lava cake.

Wait a minute.

Meg, when did you find
the time to do all this?

Oh, I had all day to do this.

Mm.

Oh my God, this is delicious.

Wh... What do you
mean "all day"?

Wh... What about all
the housework?

I did it in like an hour.
I don't understand why

you're such a freakin'
martyr all the time.

It's a house. It's a finite area.
I'm not cleaning a town.

Hey, family, I'm home.

Ooh, that smells fantastic.

Hey, buddy, how was your first
day in the real world?

It was actually really great.

And Angela even told me
I might get a raise

for doing such a good job.

Wow, guys, you hear that?

A raise.
Hm, interesting.

Seems like the kids are
doing pretty well

at this grown-up thing, huh?

I would suggest
that you suck that.

Wow, I am already so stuffed.

Guess I shouldn't have had

so many action figure
guns for lunch.

Well, hello, you two.

How's your little
experiment going?

Horrible.

Three girls I don't care about
made me cry in the bathroom.

Um, hey, you guys.

I bet you Lois Griffin
doesn't make the track team,

which is an important thing
in high school right now.

Yeah, everyone who's
anyone is running track

at our high school right now.

Yeah, and I bet she also doesn't
live on the south side of town,

which is suddenly important.

I hate your north side face.

- Lois, that's terrible.
- My day was even worse.

I got pegged by a
new form of spitball.

Hey, get up, you faker.
It's just a spitball.

Hi, family, I'm home.

Oh, Chris, there you are.

Good, now that
you're both here,

your father and I have
something to say.

Kids, we're callin' off
the experiment early.

What? Why?

Because you were right.

Being a kid is a lot harder
than bein' an adult.

High school sucks.
Everything sucks.

So let's just put things
back the way they were

and just forget all about this,
all right?

You kids go back to school,
Lois goes back to groceries,

I go back to my job.

- That's not gonna work out, Dad.
- Why not?

'Cause you don't have
a job anymore.

What? Chris, what do you mean?

Angela fired you and hired me.

She said I've been doing twice
as good a job as you did.

So from now on,
I'm the breadwinner in this house.

Hey, I forget.
Were you in for this or not?

Chris, you are not
taking Peter's job.

You're a fourteen-year-old boy,
and you belong in school.

Why, so I can get
a job someday?

I already have a job.

Chris, we're not gonna
allow you to do this.

I seem to remember
somebody saying

the breadwinner
makes the rules.

Well, I'm the breadwinner.
And you know what?

I like being a grown-up,
and I wanna stay this way.

Well, Lois,
practically speaking,

somebody's gotta pay
the bills around here.

Seems like you don't
have a choice

but to let Chris work
at the brewery

until Peter finds a new job.

Well, I suppose that
makes sense.

I guess it could take
Peter a long time

to find a job in this economy.

Well, it may not
be that bad, Lois.

I could see about
getting back my old job

as a police sketch artist.

Now, did you get a look
at the man who assaulted you?

- I did.
- Okay, can I get a description?

Yeah, he was probably
around 5'9", 5'10"?

Which is it, 5'9" or 5'10"?

- I'd say 5'10".
- Okay, we'll go 5'9" and a half.

- And now, how old was he?
- Late 30's, maybe 37.

I... I don't know, anywhere
between 35 and 40.

Okay, well, let's say 37.
How about ethnicity?

- Yeah, he was Asian-American.
- Asian-American.

Are we talking Korean?
Are we talking Thai?

Are we talking Vietnamese?

Maybe Korean.

Could have been Japanese,
but I... I think Korean.

Okay, Korean.

Now how about identifying
characteristics?

Any... Any marks, piercings?

- He may have had a tattoo.
- He may have had a tattoo?

Did have a tattoo?
Which one was it?

I... I don't know, it...
It all happened so fast.

You know what?
It's fine.

I have a preliminary
sketch here.

Is this the man
who assaulted you?

Peter, they're never
gonna take you back.

You got fired for
racist drawings.

I guess.

Hey, you know what else
I draw really well? Bullwinkle.

I'd probably still be working

if more crooks
looked like Bullwinkle.

Early night, Griffin?

Well, actually, it's eight o'clock.

Well, did you finish
all the accounts payable

and the accounts receivable?

- But that's not my department.
- It is now.

The company's making cutbacks.

You can handle it,
it's just a little extra paperwork.

Ugh. I am exhausted.

Can this day get
any more stressful?

"Wanted: Muscular man for
discreet pushing and pulling."

Well, I'm not above
manual labor.

Oh, hi, Chris.
How was your day?

You know what would be great?

If I could come home
and have five minutes

before you jump
all over my back.

Also, she broke a plate.

And what about you?
Did you get a job today?

I kind of got one.

Right, Lois? Right?

So, Chris,
good day at the office?

You know, actually,
Angela said that the spreadsheets

I presented were beyond the
projections for last quarter.

Oh, is that good?

You know what?! Never mind!

Now I'm mad at you!

Peter, I'm really
worried about Chris.

All this pressure seems
to be getting to him.

I know,
he's turning into a jerk.

Oh, hey, Chris.

You wanna keep it down in here?

One of us has to work
in the morning.

Chris, have you...
Have you been drinking?

Yes. Have you been aging?

I want you two to do it
right in front of me.

And I'm gonna throw forty bucks
on your sweaty bodies when you're done.

Let's see the money.

Why do you guys hate me?

Ugh, that pain in my
stomach is back.

Ow!

What? What?

What are you looking at?

I could fight you both.

You don't know what
I go through every day.

Now go to sleep,
the both of you.

I think we should go live with Mom.

I just heard all of that,

and I just wanna say this family
is (bleep) disintegrating.

Oh, hey, Chris, by the way,

the roofer came today
while you were at work.

And?

It's gonna be
five grand to fix it.

Oh that's just perfect.

I love spending $5,000 on
something nobody can see.

Anyone got more happy news?

I'm gonna need
a check for the dentist.

Peter has two cavities.

I'll bet if I go upstairs
to that bathroom

that toothbrush is
as dry as a bone.

Sometimes I forget.

Anything else I should
know about?!

Well, my science class
is taking a field trip

to the water
purification center.

And?

And it costs ten dollars
for lunch and the bus.

Ten dollars?

What... What the hell is
it with that school

that every time you walk in there
somebody wants ten dollars?!

Look, I... I'm really sorry,

but if we're that
desperate for money,

isn't there something we can do?

I mean, maybe we could ask

to borrow some
from Mr. Quagmire.

Oh, you'd like that,
wouldn't you?

Like to see me walk next door,

hat in hand,
and ask him for money.

Bet you'd have your nose
pressed against the glass

to watch that conversation.

No, you know what? Instead,
let's just go knock on all the doors

of all our neighbors and
tell 'em I'm a failure!

- No, that's not what I...
- No, no, no, it's a good idea.

Let's just go right now and tell
everyone how much of a failure I am.

But I...

Oh, hey, Chris.

Meg has something
she wants to tell you.

- Chris, please, I'm sorry.
- Say it!

Chris is a failure.

Uh, okay.

Now we're going
to the Swansons!

Oh, my God! I think Chris is
having a heart attack!

We're not aspose'ta
leave the table.

Be cool, be quiet, be quiet.

All right, well,
nothing to worry about.

Chris is going to be just fine.

Oh, Chris,
I'm so glad you're okay.

What... What happened?

You had a heart attack,
sweetie.

A heart attack?

Yeah, you almost worked yourself
right into the ground, buddy.

Oh, it's all our fault.
We never should have let you

take on the pressure
of being an adult.

It's okay, Mom.

Boy, I thought being a grown-up

would be easier
than being a kid.

But it turned out
it was just as hard.

I guess what we all learned is
that no matter who you are,

or where you come from,
life is a terrible thing.

Yeah, but if you got your family
to help you get through it,

it's not quite as bad.

And, hey, at least
I get my old job back.

You know, from now on,
let's not complain so much.

Hey, what do you guys do
after the screen goes black?