Family Guy (1998–…): Season 9, Episode 16 - The Big Bang Theory - full transcript

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

♪ Family Guy 9x16 ♪
Brothers & Sisters
Original Air Date on April 17, 2011

== Sync, corrected by elderman ==



We now return to a later-season
episode of Family Ties.

Elise, have you noticed how
puberty has changed Jennifer?

Shh! Keep
your voice down.

I have a date
with my boyfriend.

Well, uh,
have fun.

You are to gather
grapes for wine

and prepare victuals
for my return.

Griffin residence.

Oh, hi, Peter.

Who is this? How do
you know my name?

Give me back my son!

Peter, it's Carol,
your sister-in-law.

Carol, how the
hell are you?

Not too good.
Jason left me.



It's going
to be my ninth divorce.

Oh, you know,
just hanging out.

Peter, give me the phone.

Carol, hi.
What's up?

Oh, my God, that's terrible.

Well, you know, Carol sweetie,
we are always here for you.

Boy, Carol's lucky
to have a sister like Lois.

You're telling me.

I always wanted a
brother or sister,

but instead I
got a bro-ster.

Hey, Peter, you want
to see my peginas?

Uh... I-I...
I don't know.

I'm just saying
that if you read somewhere

that Gwen Stefani
was a grandmother,

you might not even bat an eye.

What the devil?
What's going on?

Oh, I'm sorry, Stewie.

Your Aunt Carol's going
to be staying with us

for a little while, so she's
going to need your room.

Who the hell
do you think you are?

Stop it this instant!

We're not going
to fit through there.

Only circles can fit through
that rectangular doorway.

Oh, my God,
it's going right through.

I-I-I got to get better
at shapes.

Hey, Stewie. You going to
sleep in here with us?

Is this how you spend
your free time, fat-ass?

Lying half-naked
on a bed in black socks

at 11:30
in the morning?

You want to play
with one of Daddy's socks?

What... do I want to...
No, what...

No, what... what an odd request.

Ah, the first one's always hard.

There we go.

The second one's easier,
'cause... toes.

Ah, come on, fella.

That's it.

There you go.

Create an adventure
with that.

Carol, you're here.

Hi, Lois.

Oh, it's so wonderful
to see you.

Hey, need some help
with those bags?

Ooh, well, yes.
Thank you so much.

Oh, it's my pleasure, Lois's
recently divorced sister.

When I heard you
were coming to town,

I figured I should
introduce myself.

How you doing?

Well, not so good.

You may have heard
that my husband left me.

Oh, I'm so depressed.

I mean, it can't always be
my fault, right? Uh-huh.

You know, at first I thought
what I needed Uh-huh.

was the immediate loving physical
touch of a new man. Uh-huh, yeah.

But now I know what I
really need is a friend

to just sit and listen to my problems.
Mm-hmm, uh-huh, uh-huh.

I don't think that's too much to ask.
No, uh...

I mean, how come men always feel
like they can just use a woman?

You know?
Yeah.

I mean, we have feelings.
Uh-huh.

We're people.
Uh-huh, right.

It's like they all have the same mindset.
Mm-hmm, uh-huh.

It's all about sex, sex, sex.
Uh-huh. Yeah.

And there's so much
more to life than that.

20 feet that way, please.

Oh, it's so great
to see you kids.

Here. I brought you
all gifts from Texas.

Meg, this is a bar of soap
with a scorpion in it.

Stewie, this is a lollipop
with a desert spider in it.

And Chris, this is a comb
made out of an armadillo shell.

Now, just don't use it
to comb your hair

and make promises
to women you won't keep.

I probably just won't use it.

Well, if you all
don't mind,

I'm going to freshen up
before dinner.

Mom, she's so sad
and lonely.

Look who the
's talking.

I'm sorry, sweetheart.

It-it's just that
she's my sister.

No wonder her husbands
all left her.

Well, that's what
her problem is.

She has such low self-esteem
that every time a man shows her

the slightest glimmer
of attention,

she rushes
into something serious

and gets her heart broken
like a teenage girl.

Hey, Tyler.
You on your way to algebra?

Yeah, I'll
see you there.

You're awful!

The preceding joke
was brought to you by: Men.

♪ Men ♪

♪ We don't know what we did. ♪

Lois, thanks again for
letting me stay here.

You can't imagine
how it feels

to have your heart
broken so many times.

Aunt Carol, Mom says you'd
make a great Florida whore.

What does that mean?

Oh, Chris, I said that
about Kate Hudson.

You know, I always thought
I'd be a good Florida whore.

Thanks to you, my hair stays
like this when we stop.

Mayor West? What are
you doing here?

I'm being a rascal

and ringing people's doorbells
and running away.

Then, what are you
still doing here?

It's my first house.
I'm not very good at this.

Hello.

Well, dot dot dot,
hello.

Lois, aren't you
going to introduce me

to your handsome
friend?

Handsome?

Wow!

Oh, uh, sure.

Carol, this is our
town's mayor, Adam West.

Mayor West,
this is my sister Carol.

Well, hubba-hubba ding-ding,
who invented this thing?

I bet you say that
to all the girls.

Only the ones I'm about to ask
to Friendly's for a Fribble.

Well, I don't really have
any plans this afternoon.

Uh, Carol, given
your present situation,

it's possible
that dating

might not be such
a good idea right now.

Actually, Lois, I think
it's exactly what I need.

Hooray, it's a date!

But we mustn't let
the local nobleman find out.

Otherwise, he'll assert
his right of prima noctus.

Oh, no,
we're too late.

Ah! I must bless this coupling
with my soggy English penis.

Oh, no!

Come hither, that I may
sire thee a dreary Brit!

You ever wonder what
a seagull tastes like?

You know,
I actually have.

I used to wonder,
but now I know.

And it's not good.

It's great!

Wow, Adam. I just
have to tell you,

I'm... I'm having
a terrific time.

Me, too, Carol.
That was a great idea you had,

about walking parallel
to the water.

It makes for a longer walk.

See? We're already making
each other better people.

Carol, I want to make this
a night you'll never forget.

Oh, my.
Right?

Oh, by the way, I should
tell you I've got AIDS.

What? Yeah, they're right
over there waiting for me.

Ready to go when you are, sir!

Poor guys. They
both have AIDS.

Not okay!

Now let's hear
your fake laugh.

How was your
date, you guys?

Oh, Lois, it
was wonderful.

I wish it didn't
have to end.

Well, it's not over yet.

What do you mean?

You're right, Carol.
It was a wonderful date.

And I want to have
a million more,

every night of the week
for the rest of my life.

Carol Yastrzemski--

oh, please, let that
be your last name--

will you marry me?

What?
Oh, Adam.

Yes, yes!
Adam, I will!

Carol, what are
you doing?

Are you crazy?

You can't just jump
right back into...

Lois, this is my life.

And this is what I want.

I will marry you,
Mayor Adam West!

Oh, great!

I can't wait to tell
the gals at my singles group.

Ah, come on. This is
the goal, isn't it?

Carol, I'm really not sure

you should be rushing into
another marriage right now.

Well, Lois, I
appreciate your input,

but I'm capable of
making my own decisions.

Are you sure?

I mean, look
at your track record.

Nine divorces.

Do you really enjoy being

Carol Pewterschmidt-Johnson-
Carrington-Stone-O'Craggity-

Canseco-Shteinholtz-
Washington-Proudfoot-Fong?

Look, I know I have a bit
of a checkered past,

but I believe in
love at first sight.

Hey, Lois, I didn't flush.
I want you to come see it.

Looks like the
Starbucks mermaid.

Peter, Carol
is marrying Mayor West.

You serious?

That's right, Peter.

Say hello to your
future brother-in-law.

Brother?

I don't know those other
two words, but brother?

I'm going to have a brother?

Well, what we're discussing
is whether or not marriage

is a smart move for Carol
at this point in time.

I was hoping you might
be able to weigh in.

I'm going to have a brother!

Hey Adam, want to
go get in a fight

over the rules of a
game we made up? Yep!

Five points. I win.

That's not fair.
You weren't touching the bush.

I was too touching the bush...
Oh, cool, this rock has mica.

Let me see!

Don't touch it.
It's worth money!

I didn't know
you rode bikes.

I didn't know
you rode bikes.

Let's go butts-up
and fast.

Oh, no!
Patch of sand.

Oh, my God!
Are you all right?

I'm fine. Let's just
keep riding bikes.

Are you sure? That was
a wicked wipeout.

I'm fine. Can we just keep
riding bikes, please?

Thanks for coming
to dinner, Lois.

I know you have mixed
feelings about this.

I was worried
you'd say no.

Actually, I was worried you'd
say "Beetlejuice" three times.

'Cause if you say
"Beetlejuice" three times,

then Beetle...

Oh, that was a close call.

Oh, Carol.

I would never miss any
of your meet-the-fiancé dinners.

This is the tenth one.

Oh, Lois.

Well, Carol, I'm just saying
it's a big decision.

Life is full of big decisions.

Like deciding whether or not

you're going to have time
to masturbate.

Peter, I'm going to run
and pick up Stewie.

I'll be back in five
or ten minutes.

Well, which is it?

It's like I told you, Lois.

This time it's different.

Adam is the most kind and
attentive man I've ever known.

Oh, that's interesting.

'Cause I remember you saying
the same exact thing about Evan.

Isn't that right, Evan?

Yeah. Yeah, I do remember
her saying that about me.

Evan. What are
you doing here?

I brought him.

Lois, you didn't tell me
you were bringing Evan here.

We bonded over
the Red Sox one time,

and now he's got to bring it up
every time I see him.

How about those
Red Sox, Peter?

Yeah, how about 'em, Evan?
They exist.

How about
last season, huh?

Yep.
How about next season?

We'll see.

Ho ho, I'm going
to hold you to that.

Look, I see what you're
trying to do, Lois.

And then there was your
second husband, Randall,

who you called
your soul mate.

Oh, God, not that guy.

He always comes bearing
really inconvenient gifts.

Hey, you guys.

Peter, I brought you some
saltwater tropical fish.

Now, you got to feed
'em every two hours,

and I fed 'em
an hour ago.

Uh, all right.
You got the food?

No, I don't
have the food.

You get that at a
tropical fish store.

It's 9:30 at night.

Well, you better
get going.

Son of a bitch.

And then there was your
third husband, Doggie Daddy,

but you couldn't
make it work

'cause he had that son
from a previous marriage.

Hey, Carol.
Oh, hey.

Just want
to let you know,

Auggie's all grown up now,
out of the house.

So... you know...

Anyway, I'm around.

This is really insensitive
of you, Lois.

Do you have any idea
how difficult it is

for me to see
my ex-husbands?

That's my point, Carol.

This is the kind of pain
I'm trying to spare you

from experiencing
all over again.

Why can't you just let me be
happy with the man I love?

Carol, if you marry him, you're
just going to get hurt again.

Is that what you want?

Well... no.

Look at these men.

Are you psychologically able

to deal with this pain
a tenth time?

Oh, my God.

Lois, you're right.

Adam... I'm sorry.

I can't marry you.

What?

B-B-B-But, Carol...

I'm so sorry, Adam.

I think you sh...
should go now, Lois.

I... I can't.

My husband took the car.

Hey... no, yeah.
No, I know it's late.

I just need some
tropical fish food.

Come on, where the hell
am I supposed to go?!

You're in there!

Don't worry, fish.

I'm going to take care of you,

'cause I know one day
you'll do the same for me.

I'm sorry, but your friend
doesn't have insurance.

I don't care what it costs.
Just make this man well again.

Thank you, fish.

MAN
We now return to Germany's most
popular late-night talk show,

Still Awake
with Otto von Stade.

Some weather we're having.

Okay.
I was recently in Munich.

Did you ever notice how
the government buildings there

are quite well-maintained?

Okay.
We have no guest.

Good night.

Oh, how you
holding up, Carol?

Not so good.

Look, I know you're
depressed about Mayor West,

but I promise you made
the right decision.

Just give yourself
some time,

and I'm sure you'll feel
much better about it.

She says that to Meg a lot,
so that's not good.

You're probably right.

Oh, well.

I guess I just better
go call all my friends

and tell them
the wedding is off.

Oh, hi, Mayor West.

Hi, Lois.

I just wanted to return
Peter's Bedazzler.

Tell him I never even
opened the box.

Wait, Mayor West.

Okay, I might have
opened the box.

But listen,

could you also say good-bye
to Carol for me?

Good-bye?
Where are you going?

As of today,
I'm stepping down as mayor

and leaving Quahog forever.

Because of Carol?

That's right.

I've decided to move to Alaska
and become an Eskimo.

Alaska?

But that's so far away.

And the summers are so short.

Yay.
Summer's here.

Awesome.

Best summer ever.
Let's stay friends.

I lost my virginity.
Yeah, right. To who?

You don't know her.
I met her at camp.

Peter, what are you doing?

I'm running away.
Why?

Because you took away
my brother!

You ruined my life!

Adam and I were going
to be brothers forever,

and now he's gone!

All you got there is toys
and cans of tuna fish.

Well, I got to eat.
And I got to have fun.

Peter, you're just
acting out.

No, I'm not.
I'm acting in.

Okay, now you're just saying
the opposite of what I say.

No, I'm not. I'm saying
the same as what you say.

Peter.
Lois.

God.
Allah.

Look, I'm not sacrificing
my sister's happiness

so you can have a playmate.

She and Mayor West
never would've made it.

Oh, yeah? Well, nobody
believed we'd make it,

and look at us now.

I drink, and you use
sex as a weapon.

That seems to me like a
successful New England marriage.

Oh, come on, Peter.

My parents may have been
against our relationship,

but a lot of people
supported us.

Oh, yeah? Like who?

Well, like... like Carol.

God, if it wasn't
for her support,

I don't know that I would've had
the confidence to marry you.

And now that she
needs my support,

here I am abandoning her.

Oh, my God.

Peter, I've made
a terrible mistake.

Well, that's what
I tried to tell you,

but you were as stubborn as
a pigeon at an ad agency.

Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys,
these are all good ideas,

but I think what people
really get excited about

is dropped
museum popcorn.

But this is an ad campaign
for a Nissan SUV.

How does that possibly...?

Phil, Phil, Phil, Phil.

I was put in charge
of this meeting.

And we're going with
dropped museum popcorn.

I'd like one ticket
to Alaska, please.

One-way.

Has the... has the 4:10 flight
to Alaska left yet?

I'm afraid so.

That... that's it
right there.

Oh, no, we're too late.

I'm sorry, Carol.

But if it helps, you're not the
first person to get a bum deal.

Mr. Edison, we're going
to use your invention

to power the world.

And Mr. Tesla,
we're going to use yours

in the background
of Frankenstein movies.

Aw, I wanted that one.

I am so sorry, you guys.

This is all my fault.

It's okay, Lois.

I know you tried your best
to make things right.

Well, since I ain't got no
brother to play army guys with,

I might as well go
to the Clam.

Hey, Quagmire, it's me.
Meet me at the Clam in 20.

That sounds great, Peter,
but I can't right now.

Oh, crap. Why not?

'Cause I'm working.

I'm flying a plane to Alaska.

Alaska? What the hell?

I never even heard
of this place an hour ago,

and now everybody's
flying there.

What did you say?

Quagmire's flying
to Alaska?

Peter, that's the plane
Mayor West is on!

Oh, I get what
you're driving at.

If Carol can't have
Mayor West, no one can.

Quagmire, I want you
to crash that plane.

No survivors,
you hear me?

Peter,
for God sakes, no.

Tell him
to turn the plane around.

Oh, hey, listen,
Quagmire,

turn the plane around
and bring it back here.

Peter, I can't do that.

The FAA would be
all over my ass.

Um, hey Quagmire,
you know that stray cat

we got in our neighborhood?
The pregnant one?

Yep, she's having
her kittens right now.

Oh, no way.

Yeah, making all those
high-pitched

"mew mew" noises and everything.

I love them already.

Yeah, but Brian's been eyeing
them pretty good. What?

Yeah, and I got to go
to work now.

So I hope he's not, like,
hungry or nothing.

This is your captain speaking.

We've discovered a shoe bomb
on board.

We're going to have to return
to the terminal.

Hello, Alaska!

Adam!

Carol?

I don't know
what I was thinking.

I made nine mistakes,

and I was afraid that I was
going to make another one.

And you know what?
I almost did.

Adam, I want to spend
the rest of my life with you.

Oh, Carol.

Nothing would
make me happier.

Hey, you know, when it's
your turn to say, "I do,"

you should say, "I do
the Dew," and then...

and then we both pull
out a Mountain Dew,

and then I'll-I'll...
and then I do,

like, a radical skateboard
jump off the altar.

Well, obviously, yeah.

Good luck.

I hope you like
weird boobs.

Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here

to join this man and
this woman in holy matrimony.

The bride and groom
have written their own vows.

Adam, from the first
day I met you,

I knew that we were
meant to be together.

I know I've said
that before--

a lot of times--

and it's always
blown up in my face.

Giggity.

But this time
it's different.

I know it's
going to work.

I love you...

and I'll be proud
to be your wife.

That was lovely.

Adam?

Milk. Butter. Cat food.

Those new potato chips
in the snack aisle.

Beer. Deodorant.
Garbage bags. Toothpaste.

Adam, I think that's
your shopping list.

No. These are my vows.

They're all the reasons
why I'll always love you.

Oh, Adam.

I now pronounce you
husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Oh, Peter, I'm so happy
for the both of them.

Hey, I just realized...
I have a sister.

Ha. Stand much?

== Sync, corrected by elderman ==