Family Guy (1998–…): Season 7, Episode 7 - Ocean's Three and a Half - full transcript

Hey, fellas.
Y'all set for some paintball?

You bet. I tell you,
I know something about paint.

I once met Jackson Pollock.

How do you know
when you're done painting?

How do you know
when you're done making love?

Oh, when you wash your penis
in the sink and go to bed.

God, Joe, finally.
Is your watch paralyzed too?

I don't think I can make it. Looking like
Bonnie might go into labor any minute.

So I think I should stick close
to home.

It's your fault for knocking her up.
That's why I always use a condom.

Sorry. I'm sorry. I can't even say that
with a straight face.



Sorry, fellas. Have a good time.

I am so sick of this.
Joe is gonna keep bailing on us...

...until that baby comes out
of Bonnie's butt.

- Babies come out of the butt, right?
- Yeah.

We're gonna do something about it.

We're gonna induce labor
and make Bonnie have that baby.

The sooner that kid comes out,
the sooner we get Joe back.

We're not complete without Joe.

Remember when he bailed for that trip to
the spa and we had to find another guy?

God, Seamus,
I've never seen you this naked.

It's good to let
the old midsection breathe.

What, uh...?

How the hell are you alive?

Hey, Peter. How are you?



Never mind that, Bonnie.
I'm here to induce birth. Follow me.

Now I'm gonna put the TV remote
down by your feet.

I'm gonna turn on
Two and a Half Men.

If your baby isn't brain-dead,
it'll come out to change the channel.

And when he does, I'll grab his hand
and yank him out of there.

- Peter, I don't think...
- Shh. It's starting.

Two and a Half Men
was filmed in front of a live ostrich.

Boy, this stinks. It's Friday night,
and I don't have a date.

Well, then let me get you a number
from my little black book.

Ah, ha-ha.

That didn't work.
So it's time for plan B.

Let's go down to The Clam...

...and drink beer and watch sports.
- Definitely.

- You in, Joe?
- Yes, awesome.

That would be splendid.

This isn't working.

We'll pay you for the full day,
but you can go home.

Damn right you're paying
for the full day.

Guys, Bonnie's going into labor!

We gotta get her to the hospital!
Quick, Peter, get the car!

No way. I don't want pregnant mess
in my back seat.

Come on.
You're the guy who soiled his pants...

...while test-driving that sports car.

I don't want it.

All right, Mrs. Swanson,
you're doing fine.

Peter, don't you wanna watch?
It's a beautiful miracle of nature.

I can't look. I didn't look when Lois
gave birth, and I can't look now.

You can just tell me what it looks like.

You ever see a horse blink his eye?

Okay, Mrs. Swanson,
you're almost there.

Push. Push.

Get out of there! Get the hell out
of my wife, you little bastard!

Okay, here we go.

Hold on,
the wheelchair is coming first.

And here's the baby.

Congratulations, Mrs. Swanson.

It's a beautiful baby girl.

Oh, Bonnie, I'm so happy for you.

Oh, my God. She's dying.
- What?

Oh, sorry. I was watching
this Paula Poundstone comedy special.

Here's your baby.

She's beautiful.
Isn't she, sweetheart?

She sure is, Joe.

It's hard to believe she's already 18.

Oh, Susie's so cute.

I can't wait to have a baby someday.

Oh, Meg, we've talked about this.

In order to make a baby...

...a man has to be aroused enough
to ejaculate.

Sorry, Dad, I forgot.

That's all right, sweetie.

Now, you run along
and play in the mud.

Attention, everyone.

This is a twist-tie.
It comes with every loaf of bread.

When we're done selecting our piece
of bread, we use the tie to preserve...

Oh, my God.

Who is that angel?

That's Susie Swanson.

You don't say.

- You think you have a shot with her?
- Are you kidding?

We'll go together better
than Hannity and Colmes.

My problem with liberals, Alan,
is that liberals hate America.

Sean, I don't know if that's true.

You just contradicted me.
You hate America.

If I could just get a word in...

You hate America.

You like the terrorists.

Well, I guess you're right again.

- Bonnie, we got a problem.
- What's the matter?

I'll tell you while we're doing
the diaper change.

Here's the reality of the situation.

I got our hospital bill this morning.

How bad is it?

It's $20,000.

Oh, my God. Where are we gonna get
that kind of money?

I don't know.
We gotta figure that out soon.

Well, I'm not worried, Joe.
You'll think of something.

I gotta tell you. Not being able to pay
my child's hospital bills...

...somehow makes me feel
like less of a man.

Oh, honey, that's silly.

I'm gonna show you
what a man you really are.

Now, let's go put your penis on.

We now return to Are You Smarter
Than a Hispanic Maid?

Okay, Larry.
Now, how does a Hispanic maid...

...address her employer
if his name is John Sullivan?

Is it A, John or B, Mr. Sullivan?

I'm gonna go with Mr. Sullivan.

Oh, that was a trick question.

Consuelo, what would you say?

Uh, Mr. John?

That's correct. Now, bonus question:
Is Mr. John home?

Uh, no. No, Mr. John, no home.

Joe? What the hell?
Are you working here?

I have to, Quagmire.

The baby's hospital bill
drained our savings...

...so I've had no choice
but to take this job.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Excuse me, I couldn't help overhear
you got yourself some money issues.

Uh, yeah, kind of.

Well, I might be able to help you out.

- How much you need?
- Look, I'm a police officer.

I can't afford to get mixed up
with a loan shark.

Listen to this guy. He's flipping a nickel
and chewing on a toothpick.

Well, I do really need the money.

And I don't have credit
for a bank loan.

Do it. If you work here any longer...

...you're gonna feel smaller
than my eye floaters.

There's one now. I can never look at it
dead-on. It's trying to get away.

- Hey, eye floater.
- Hi.

Hey, hey, where you going?
- Away from your pupil.

Well, maybe I'll look over here.
- I'll go over here.

You've got an answer
for everything, don't you?

Oh, Brian, come here.

Mind listening to this song
for Susie Swanson...

...and tell me what you think?
- Okay.

Susie

You're a baby

That's all I have so far.

That was horrible.

You're as bad as Beethoven
near the end.

They're gonna love that.

Well, I'm still gonna work on it.

- What's it called?
- "Susie. "

Wow, a song named after a girl.

- There aren't a million of those already.
- Name 20.

"Rosanna," "Roxanne," "Michelle,"
"Alison," "Sara," "Angie"...

..."Brandy," "Mandy," "Gloria," "Cecilia,"
"Maggie May"...

..."Jessica," "Nancy," "Barbara Ann,"
"Billie Jean," "Layla," "Lola"...

..."Polly," "Helena,"
"Jenny From The Block. "

- Name six more.
- "Sherry," "Laura," "Wendy"...

..."Maria," "Peggy Sue,"
"Minnie the Moocher. "

- Name five more.
- "Tracy," "Jean," "Jane"...

..."Mary Ann," "Eleanor Rigby. "

Go fuck yourself.

What am I gonna do, guys?

I paid the hospital bill, but now I need
$20,000 to pay the loan shark.

I'm right back where I started.

Well, sounds like we need
another loan shark.

Don't worry, Joe. We're gonna pitch in
and help you raise money.

Wow, Peter, I gotta say, this lemonade
stand was a really good idea.

It's selling really well.

That's because
it has my secret ingredient in it:

Vodka.

You know what we should do?

You know what we should do?

We should just... We should just
get on our bikes and just go.

Just go and start a business.

You know, I never to...
I've never told anyone this.

But you're so good at cursing.

I don't know, Peter.
We've been out here all day...

...and we haven't managed to interest
a single woman in our parlor.

Wait a minute, here comes somebody.
Excuse me, stressed-out lady.

May I interest you
in a full release, relaxation massage?

Oh, yeah. Just what I need:

To be rubbed down by big fatty,
an old black guy, a cripple and a pervert.

Now we don't have any money...

...and our feelings are hurt.

That's pretty much it,
Mr. Pewterschmidt.

Joe's getting desperate,
and we haven't raised nearly enough.

Is there any way
you could help us out?

Of course I could.

But it's funnier to me if I don't.

In about an hour,
I'm gonna piss away 20 grand.

What, are you gonna bet
on the Knicks? Ha-ha-ha.

It's... I'm sorry.

I mean, how often...? I mean...

Oh, man, nobody think that's funny?

Oh, my God, she's so hot.

Look at that, she can fit
that whole bottle in her mouth.

All right, Stewie. You can write a song.
How hard can it be?

You got your G chord right here

It's like a cozy house where you live

That's where you start your journey

Here I am in my house, nice and cozy

And then you poke your head
Out the door with the C chord

Everything looks okay out here

Maybe I'll take a walk outside

To the D chord

Oh, walking around outside

Look at all the stuff out here

And then we go to an A-minor

Getting a little cloudy out here

Looking like we might
Have some weather

Then we go to E-minor

Oh, definitely got some weather

Things are a little more complicated
Than they seemed at first

And then we go back to my house

You sound
like an unbelievable douche.

Then Brian comes in
And I change up the tempo

Brian comes in
And it changes the song

Looking at me
Like he thinks I'm a douche bag

But he's gonna learn pretty fast
That he's wrong

Hey, Brian
Why are you bringing me down, man?

Why are you bringing me down?
Don't bring me down

Music and lyrics by Stewie Griffin.

Hey, Swanson,
the boss is getting impatient.

He wants his money.

He says after we're done with you,
you're gonna be eating...

Swanson TV... TV di...

- Wait, what did he say?
- What?

What did the boss say? He said
something funny, I'm drawing a blank.

Oh, you know what it was?

- What?
- You know what it was?

When we're done with him,
he's gonna be a Swanson TV dinner.

That is pretty funny.

Look what they did to me.
My legs are useless now.

And trust me, they'll be back.

Well, what are we gonna do?

You know what, boys? Desperate times
call for desperate measures.

If that stingy old Carter
won't give us the money we need...

...I say we take it from him.

Guys, we are gonna plan a robbery.

Hey, hey, that's the guy.

That's the guy whose chin
looks like, uh, balls.

On a normal night
in the Pewterschmidt mansion...

...there might be as much as $6 million
in the vault.

But this Saturday
is the Pewterschmidt's annual...

..." Bring All Your Cash
And Put It In Our Safe" party.

Considering the guest list,
there could be as much as 40 million.

But we only need 20,000.

Look, I'll be honest with you.

My father-in-law
has treated me like crap...

...for 20 years,
and it's time for a little payback.

Forty million dollars.
That's 10 million each.

I could produce a movie
with B-plus stars...

...in a not-so-expensive location.

Jeff Bridges and
Laura Linney in Danger in Cincinnati.

We've got 24 hours
before those terrorists...

...set off that bomb
that makes an invisible explosion.

- What are we gonna do?
- Get back to headquarters.

- Should we take the helicopter?
- No, let's walk. It's a nice day.

Oh, there's my laptop. Do you mind?
I wanna check my e-mail.

Go away. I'm editing this music video
I'm making for Susie.

Oh, really. Music video?

Working on a little video there?

Little, uh...? Little music video?

Little compilation of visual images
to go with a song?

Little four-minute movie
that tells the story...?

That only works when I do it.

There, all done.

All right, Brian. Get ready to feel.

I'm not following the story arc here.

Shut up!

Don't worry, Brian. Those goose bumps
will go away in about 20 minutes.

Stewie, that is the worst thing
I have ever seen, ever.

And I've seen Peter
when he's frozen in sex-face.

Peter, would you like more potatoes?

Bill, how are you?

Babs, come over here
and say hi to Bill Gates.

- Hello, Mr. Gates.
- Hi, Mrs. Pewterschmidt.

Well, this is a quaint little party
you guys are throwing.

Hey, Bill, would you help me program
my Zune?

Oh, wait. I have an iPod,
like the rest of the world.

Why, you...

- All right, Joe, we're here.
- All right. Peter, Quagmire...

...start the diversion.
Cleveland, find that door.

Check.
Check.

Hey, fellas,
knock off all that high-society crap...

...and play some of this.

One, two, three, four.

Cleveland,
you're clear to enter the vault.

Copy that.

Uh-oh. It's a combination lock.

Looks like I'm just gonna
have to cut through it.

Good thing I brought
Reese Witherspoon's chin.

This
programming brought to you in part...

...by Kobe Brand condoms.

The protection you want
for the sex she doesn't.

Brian, do you know where Peter is?

Yeah, he and the guys went
to go rob your dad.

I believe you.

I'm in.

Holy crap, there's another door.

What do we do now?

Welcome to the vault.

Voice identification, please?

Uh-oh.

It's me, Carter. I want my money.

Voice print verified.

How the hell do you do that?

I can do you guys too.

Hey, everybody.

- Oh, hey, Peter.
- No, it's still me.

Oh.

Welcome to the inner vault.

Penile identification required.

Let me handle this.

That's amazing.
How did you match it?

Oh, I didn't match the shape.
I just stuck it in there and broke it.

Final checkpoint.

Answer this question:

What is the most
unattractive male first name...

...in the English language?

Keith.

Wow, look at this place.

There's more dough in here
than a Swedish bakery.

Look at all my dough.

I'm covered in dough.

Father, you're covered in dough.

Oh, you spoiled the surprise.

I'm making you a cake out of dough.

All right. Pack up the dough
and get out of there.

Joe, stop.

- Lois, what are you doing here?
- I'm here to talk some sense into you.

Do you wanna go through with this?

I have to, Lois, for my family.

I don't know where else
to get $20,000.

But you know Daddy will find out.

He'll put his best people on the job.

- And believe me, he'll catch you.
- That's a risk I'm willing to take.

But think about
your beautiful little girl.

You can't watch her grow up
from jail.

You'll miss running after her
as she learns to walk.

I mean, riding bikes with her as she...

I mean, dancing at her wedding.

Look, my point is,
you know what you're doing is wrong.

And you know how to make it right.

Guys, put the money back
and get out of there.

What? Are you out of your mind?

- Tell him, Megatron.
- Do as I command!

Okay, okay, jeez.

So how'd Susie like your video?

I don't care about her anymore.

I'm in love with Bryan Adams.

Peter, I want you to promise me you'll
never do anything that stupid again.

Lois, after what you did for Joe,
I'll promise you anything.

How did you get your dad
to give him that 20 grand?

I told him it was for me.

I said I wanted to hire
a divorce lawyer.

Yeah, right.
You're joking about that, right?

Lois?

You're joking, right?

Lois.

Ah, ha-ha.