Family Guy (1998–…): Season 7, Episode 8 - Family Gay - full transcript

Now, remember, don't touch this money
until you get to the grocery store.

Then buy one can of beans and come
straight home. Do you understand?

Lois, I'm a guy you can trust
with a task.

I'm the one who almost
conquered the dragon's layer.

Ah!

"Dragon's Layer"

Peter, where have you been?

You left for the market six hours ago.

- Did you get the beans?
- I got something better.

You know how you always wanted
a real diamond engagement ring?

Oh, my God.



That's right. I bought a horse.

You bought a horse?

Why the hell did...?
I didn't give you that much money.

That's what I thought, Lois.

Sold to the gentleman
from Quahog, Rhode Island.

Congratulations, sir.
What brings you down here to Louisville?

I don't know.

Peter, there's something off
about that horse.

You have an eye for animals.

This horse is retarded.
That's why I got it so cheap.

I don't think it's wise
to have a retarded horse as a house pet.

Shut up. You don't know nothing
about anything.

Whatever, Peter. Fine, keep the horse.

Good, this family works much better
when we're unified.



You'll see, this horse
will be a fine addition to our family.

I don't want him to feel self-conscious.
Everybody, pee.

- Peter, we...
- Everybody, pee now.

We're an unusual family.

- Peter, the horse is here.
- Oh, yeah.

It's so creepy,
the way it just stares like that.

Why doesn't it do something?

He's retarded, Lois.
You should understand.

You're married to a retarded man. Eh?

You're married to a retarded man.

Ew! Ew! Ew!

What is it? Brian,
is Paul Sorvino standing behind me?

Hey, you want a sugar cube, horsy?

Oh, God, Brian, don't.

Ugh! Ew! Ew! Ew!

What made you come around, Lois?

I love you so much.

I love you so much, Lois.

I love you too, Peter.

Take Maple Drive, otherwise
we won't make the movie on time.

All right. Uh-oh.

What is it?

The horse is right behind the car.

Peter, that thing is just creepy.

Hey. Scat, scat. Go on, you.

We're go...
We're going to see a movie.

All right,
I'm gonna try something else.

No, no, no!

Oh, that's got
all my stink of the day in it.

That's nasty.

Why are there so many bottles of milk
in the refrigerator?

Thanks for reminding me. Some
of the milk in the fridge is not milk...

...it's horse sperm.
I'm a horse breeder now.

No one's gonna wanna breed
with that horse.

After tomorrow, they will.

I'm gonna enter him in the derby
and he's gonna win.

I just know it.
I got a sixth sense about this things.

Remember when I predicted the ending
to Wild Hogs?

This movie's gonna suck.

Hey there, little fella.

I'm 48.

This whole place is a giant mindfuck.

I've never been in the owner's box.

We are gonna get a great view
from up here.

This is gonna be a great race.

Hey, wha...?
What are you doing? Get down there.

- Where's your midget?
- Sorry, boss. Had to pee.

Come on, you.

Guess he's got a small bladder.

A little tiny guy.
Gotta go all the time.

Even though he's gotta race,
he couldn't hold it.

And they're off.
- Go, horsy, go.

God, it even runs like it's messed up
in the head.

Is there a reason all the horses
are named after cancelled Fox shows?

Kitchen Confidential,
The Wedding Bells...

...followed by Happy Hour,
The War at Home, Drive...

...followed by The Winner,
Life on a Stick, The Loop...

...followed by Head Cases,
Standoff, Vanished...

...followed by Free Ride,
Method & Red, Tru Calling...

...followed by Quintuplets,
Stacked, Justice...

...North Shore, Back to You.

And bringing up the rear
but still in the race is 'Til Death.

- You named your horse "'Til Death"?
- You know why?

Because I'm gonna take this horse
and shove it down America's throat.

What's this?
'Til Death has taken a right turn...

...and is heading into the stands.

I could describe
the horror I am witnessing...

...but it is so ugly and heartrending
that I cannot bring myself to do so.

Although I do possess
the necessary descriptive powers.

Well, at least the horse ran past
the class of deaf second graders.

Oh, no, dear God, he's going back!

Oh, I know you can't hear any screams,
but I assure they are signing frantically...

...just as fast as their fingers
can shape the phonemes...

...necessary
to convey dread and terror.

Wait. Hold the phone,
he's going back toward the track.

Fellas, this race ain't over yet.

Oh, my baby's dead!

It's over.

One hundred thousand dollars'
worth of damage...

...all thanks to that stupid horse.

Can we not talk about the horse, please?
It's gone.

It suffered a heart attack from the
excitement, and I disposed of it properly.

Oh, boy.

I miss the old days...

...when it was just a flaming bag
of poop and a hurtful note.

I have no idea
how the hell we're gonna pay for this.

Well, I'll just have to get a second job
or something. Hand me the classifieds.

Hey, Lois, look at this.
"Subject wanted for medical... "

- What's that?
- "Experiments. "

Exparagus.

Experiments.

Experiments.

Right.

And it says they'll pay handsomely.
This is perfect.

I won't have to take that job
as Matt Damon's neck.

Hey, Matt.

Matt.

Is this one of those movies where you're
an educated Boston street tough?

- I don't have to take that crap from you.
- You have to, my friend. I'm your neck.

What are you gonna do choke me?
You'll die if you do that.

Can somebody from Wardrobe
get a scarf?

Oh, I'm still gonna...
I'll just talk louder.

Ben Affleck married Jennifer Garner...

...but you married a bartender
with a kid.

These are facts.

What do I gotta do, doc?

You don't have to do anything.

We're isolating and studying the effects
of various genes.

We're just gonna give you experimental
injections and record the results.

- What's this one?
- We call this the squirrel gene.

It's effects
will become apparent shortly.

- Okay, what's next?
- This is the Seth Rogen gene.

It will give you the appearance
of being funny...

...even though you haven't actually done
anything funny.

Hey, doc,
are we gonna be much longer?

I gotta get some beers with the fellas
before I go out on this date.

How charming and chubby.
I'm rooting for you.

All right, Mr. Griffin.
We're gonna inject you...

...with what we believe we've isolated
as the gay gene.

- I don't understand.
- Well, if we're correct...

...we will have proven
that homosexuality is genetic...

...and not choice or environment.

Are you crazy? I don't wanna
take a chance on being gay.

We'll give you $ 125.

All right, I'll do it.

Boy, you're more persuasive
than James Bond.

Now,
time for some unfinished business.

- No, James.
- Yes.

- No, James.
- Yes, you're going to have sex with me.

- No, James! I don't want to.
- Yes, you do.

- No, I don't.
- Yes, you do.

- No, I don't.
- Yes, you do.

- Okay, yes.
- See that?

Fifty noes and a yes means yes.

Hi.

So how'd
the medical experiments go?

So good, Lois. So good.

I'm gonna squeeze right in here
if my thighs will let me.

Peter, what exactly
did they inject you with?

Oh, all sorts of things.
Hepatitis vaccine, a couple of steroids...

...the gay gene, calcium,
a vitamin B extract.

- What did you say?
- The gay gene.

I assume that's the one you meant,
though it wasn't the last I said...

...when you said, "What did you say?"
It was the most unusual.

Yes, that's the one I meant.
Peter, are you gay?

Guilty.

Did anybody see...

...that absolutely fabulous piece on Fiji
in yesterday's travel section?

I wish I was Beyonc?.

Maybe you should go back and have
that doctor undo whatever he did.

I mean, you're not gay.

- What?
- I said homosexuality is wrong.

Are you...?
Are you being serious right now?

Keep it in the bedroom, you know?

I'm not holding your face
with my heterosexuality.

No, you are not.

Dad, now that you're gay,
I don't have to have sex with you, do I?

Not unless you want to. Oh!

Oh, my muffins are ready.

You made muffins?

Well, it wasn't the muffin fairy.

Or was it?

- Go ahead, try it.
- Peter...

Try it.

Dad, I think Mom's right.
You should go back to that doctor.

Well, now, wait a minute, Meg.

Let's not be too hasty.

These are delicious.

- What's the secret ingredient?
- Spugizakom.

- Ew!
- What?

Oh, you...
Oh, you thought... No, no, no.

Spugizakom, it's a sugar substitute
from the Czech Republic.

That's right. Spugizakom.

All right, I'll say it.

What the hell are you drinking?

A pomtini. It's a pomegranate martini.

I read about them
in the issue of In Style.

They're what Courtney Thorne-Smith
served at her bachelorette party.

Mm.

So you guys feel like watching
the game at my house on Sunday?

- Sounds good.
- That'd be good.

Hey, Quagmire.

- Quagmire.
- Yeah?

I'll be there.

Well, I think I better get going.

Yeah, why don't you and Cleveland
both get going?

Hey, hey, hey, where you guys going?

If we're gonna do this,
we're gonna do it my way.

- Darn it!
- Knock, knock.

What's the problem, champ?

Why is math so hard?

You know, it doesn't have to be.

One trick I used is turning things
into a word problem.

For example, if there are three
glory holes in the bathroom at the club...

...and 28 guys at the circuit party...

...how many rotations of guys will
it take before everybody's had a turn?

- I don't know.
- Nine, with a remainder of Brent.

Oh.

Because Brent can't fit in the glory hole

And that's why we all like Brent

We now return
to That Black Guy Must Be Doing Well...

...Because Everything He Owns
is White.

Hey, how you doing?

Wow. He must be doing well.

Well, here's the new nightie
you picked out for me.

What do you think?

I'm jealous
of Miss Eats-Anything-She-Wants...

...and-Still-Fits-Into-a-Size-Four.
I could scratch your eyes out.

You know, Peter, with all the shopping
and cooking and decorating...

...I have to say I'm really liking
the new you an awful lot.

An awful lot.

What are you doing?

I'm fooling around.

Come on, sweetie.
Let's have some fun.

Lois, I'm gay.

Wait a minute, you mean,
we can't have sex?

No.

But, Peter, we're married.

Tony Randall was married, Lois.
Rock Hudson was married.

Ronald Reagan was married.

Did you reach a missile pact?

Well, you could say that.
There was a missile.

And something definitely got packed.

Did you discuss ICBMs?

Well, I did see a BM.

So would you consider this
a successful summit?

Oh, yes. I summited three times.

Are you finished
with butt-fucking puns?

Just tell me. Is there anything
you can do to remove this gene?

Mrs. Griffin,
it really doesn't work that way.

We wait for the effects to wear off.

- Well, how long will that take?
- A week, a month, a year.

Five hundred twenty-five thousand
six hundred minutes.

Rent, Rent, Rent.

He could be this way
for the rest of his life.

I don't see the big deal.
I like myself this way.

It's a very big deal.
You'll be treated differently...

...just like my Uncle Ray
with a really high-up anus.

I'll be out in a minute.

- So Dad's gonna be gay forever?
- Possibly, Meg.

We're all gonna have
to get used to this...

...and learn to accept your father
for who he is.

Great plan, Lois.
Hey, here's a nutty idea.

Ever read the Bible? Leviticus 18:22.

You're judgmentally quoting Bible verses
and you don't even know how to read.

Welcome to America, Brian.

Hi, everybody. This is Scott.

Oh, who's Scott?

My soul mate, Lois.

I'm here. I'm queer.
Don't get used to it, I'm leaving you.

- What?
- I'm sorry, Lois.

I can't deny who I am any longer.

I am Peter Griffin, homosexual.

And that's how I'm gonna live my life.

Yeah,
I think that's perfectly disgusting.

Every time you do it,
you're basically sodomizing Jesus.

I just wanna point that out.

Chris, you're the man of the house.
Take the lessons I've taught...

...and be the best leader
of this household you can.

I will, Dad.

Oh, God. I miss Peter so much.

Gay or not,
I just wish he was still here.

I miss Dad too, Mom,
but we'll manage somehow.

We're still a family, right?

Yeah, I mean,
we're tighter than an Asian family.

- You doctor yet?
- No, Dad. I'm 12.

Talk to me when you doctor.

I am so gay for you, Scott.

I'm so gay for you, Peter.

- Penis for your thoughts.
- I just...

You complete me, you know that?

You just make me
wanna be a gayer man.

Oh, come here.

- And you don't miss your wife at all?
- Oh, sure I do.

But this is a whole new chapter
in my life, Scott.

And that chapter is all about you.

Oh, Peter. Let's snuggle on the couch
and watch Lifetime.

We now return to
Meredith Baxter in Raped by a Clown.

It was awful.

He made me do things, awful things.
Awful things.

What kinds of things?

I don't even wanna talk about it.

You sure you don't need
any house repairs, Mrs. Griffin?

No, thanks, Rick.
Ever since Peter left...

...our house hasn't been destroyed
by shenanigans on a weekly basis.

God, I feel so bad for Lois.
She really misses Peter.

I wish there was something
we could do.

Well, there is, Brian. I looked into it.
Straight Camp.

Straight Camp?

Yeah, it's where gays go to get cured.

This is dated last year.

Yeah, I just...
I just had it lying around.

I don't know.
It goes against everything I believe in.

At this point,
I'm willing to try anything.

Oh, for the love of penis.

What the...? Where am I?

This is Straight Camp, Peter.
I'm sorry, but I'm doing this for Lois.

By the time you get out,
you'll be back to your old self.

Welcome to Straight Camp.

You've made a choice
to renounce your evil, sinful ways...

...and redeem yourselves in the eyes
of your lord and savior, Jesus...

...who hates many people,
but none more than homosexuals.

And through our carefully structured
program, you will succeed.

All right, men.
This is Harry the homosexual.

- Say hi to everyone, Harry.
- Hi, fellas. I sure do love being gay.

Harry's choice of lifestyle is wrong.
So we're gonna beat him up for it.

Now, take these baseball bats
and get to it.

All right, good so far.

No, no, no.
Don't use the bats like that.

No, don't use them like that either.

All right, look.
Just put them down and use your fists.

No, no. Not like that!

This next exercise will train you
to talk like a straight man.

Peter, we'll start with you. Repeat
every word I say exactly as I say it.

Me and my friends Polly and Matty
are going out to drink a ton of beers.

My friends and I are going out...

...but we're not drinking.
Those are empty calories.

Then we'll play full-contact football
in the park with no pads or helmets.

Then we're gathering at Alan
and Omar's for bad-movie night.

Then it's straight to the bars
to find women to have sex with.

Then it's straight to the gym
for crunches...

...and eye contact with strangers.

- Peter!
- Don't give me that look.

That's what you said.
I said it right back to you.

Oh, excuse me.

I'm sorry to bother you,
but I didn't know where else to go.

I haven't seen Peter in two days
and I thought he might be here.

What? Oh, my God. Peter's missing?

Hey, hang on, hang on.

Before anyone gets too worked up,
I know where Peter is.

- Where?
- I put him in a straight camp.

- You what?
- Oh, you bastard.

Brian, what...? Why did you do that?

It's just you seemed so unhappy...

...and I just wanted to help you
get your husband back.

Who knows? By now, Peter
could be completely heterosexual again.

Stop!

Lois, what are you doing here?

I'm here to get you out of this place,
Peter. I'm taking you back to Scott.

Really? You're not still upset
about my leaving?

There's nothing I'd want more
than to have you back...

...but your place is in Scott now.

I mean, a person's sexual identity
is no more a choice...

...than the color of his skin.

This is who you are,
I can't change you.

And it would be wrong for me to try.

Oh, Lois, you've made me happier
than a pig among guinea pigs.

All right, I think we're all in agreement.
I'm in charge here.

Hi, Peter.

Hi, Scott.

Guess what.
I have a welcome-home surprise for you.

Dish, dish, dish.

Remember how you told me...

...your ultimate fantasy
was to have an 11-way?

Oh, my God, yes, I do,
and you so did not even.

Oh, but I did.

Yoo-hoo! Guys.

Oh, here are my notes
about the gay gene.

It wears off
after two and a half weeks.

Oh, great.
Now I can't find Mrs. Griffin's number.

Okay, everybody ready?

Oh, God,
I feel like a kid in a candy store...

...who's having sex
with a bunch of gay guys.

Wait a minute.

What's going on here?

Holy crap! Ah!

These are mine.

Ah!

So we're just, like,
never gonna talk about this again?

That's right, sweetie.

Well, I'm just happy
to have your father home again.

Yeah, and thank God
everything's back to normal.

Take back your fucking horse!