Family Guy (1998–…): Season 7, Episode 6 - Tales of a Third Grade Nothing - full transcript

Peter must pass the third grade in order to get a promotion at the brewery. Brian and Frank Sinatra Jr. buy the nightclub, and Stewie turns it into a trendy hotspot.

Griffin, I need you to run these
shipping reports upstairs to the CEO.

Huh. There's nothing fun
or entertaining about that.

Maybe if I walk down the hall
with a wisecracking rabbi.

- Do you charge a lot for circumcisions?
- No, I just keep the tips.

All right, where's the CEO's office?

Yeah, I've always wanted to see
the inside of the executive bathroom.

- Executive bathroom, sir?
- Uh...

- Yes?
- Right this way.

So, uh, where is this
executive bathroom?

There.

Welcome to
Executive Bathroom Island.



Well, this is peaceful.

Good morning, Lois.

Wow, Peter, since when do you get
so dressed up for work?

Since I got tired of getting nowhere
in this world, Lois.

I've decided to do whatever
it takes to become an executive.

It would certainly be great
if you got a promotion.

You'd earn more money,
get better health insurance.

Lois, I am doing this for the bathroom.

And I'm not giving up on my dream,
like I did with that indoor hot-air balloon.

And away we go.

No, no, no!

I can't feel my legs.

Welcome to the party, pal.

- No, wait. There they are.
Aww...



Boy, it sure is great
to have you back in town.

Yeah, but this place is dead.

I don't know.
That guy seemed to like it.

I like everything, including ginger ale.
Psst.

That's my way
of ordering a ginger ale.

Sorry I can't pay you more,
but business has been bad.

I'm looking to sell the joint.

You can't sell this place.
So few clubs play real music anymore.

Wanna buy it?
I'll give you a good deal.

- You know, that's not a bad idea.
- We could really turn this place around.

It could be bigger than
the Apollo Theater.

All right, now. Next up we got
the comedy stylings of Kim Lee Sung.

Give it up.

How you doing tonight?

Ever notice when two black guy
come in your convenience store...

...one go one way
and one go the other way?

What they doing?
What they stealing? Who with me?

You stay out my store.

All you, stay out my store.
I remember you face.

Peter, I want you to retype those...

Wow, what is this?

Have you been cleaning?

I'm working hard
so you'll promote me.

Based on your record, you'll understand
if I have trouble believing you.

Believe it, Angela.
I hate being just a cog around here.

Almost as much as I hate
homeless people asking me for money.

- Spare some change?
- Sure.

- You didn't put anything in there.
- Yes, I did.

I put hope in there.

Hope.

Don't spend it all in one place, raggie.

Griffin, what the hell is this?

It's a robot that I built
to save this company money.

Now, before you say anything,
one, it has no human emotions.

And two, its prime directive
is never to harm people.

Oh. Oh, God. It's harming people.

Angry. Angry.

Oh, God.
It's got human emotions too.

Aah! It's using tools.
It's learning, Angela. It's learning.

Run!

What do you want, Griffin?

Look out your window.

See that Anheuser-Busch billboard
next to the children's hospital?

Well, watch this.

Oh, God.

Oh, my God. This is horrible.

Oh, God. Oh, that's terrible.

Oh, good Lord, save them.
Bless their lit...

Oh, okay, okay, yeah.

Here we go.
All right, everything worked out.

We now return to Matt Damon...

...and Leonardo DiCaprio
in The Detarded.

You're under arrest.

No, you're under arrest.

Stewie, guess what.

Frank and I just closed a deal
to buy the Quahog Cabana Club.

Oh, wow, Brian, what else are you
doing that's terrible and stupid?

Just wait. In a few weeks, that club
will be the hottest spot in Quahog.

Huh. You're deluding yourself.

You're gonna fail faster than
John Madden's wedding-video business.

Boom, here's your groom over here.

Boom, you got your bride right here.

A lot of people say
that Stacy's no good...

...and that she slept with this guy,
and done that guy...

...and even did some handwork
on this guy.

I'll tell you, that is gonna work
in her favor late in the game.

You know who had a heck of a wedding?
Brett Favre.

Griffin, I've got good news.

A management position
has become available.

And I've seen that you've been
working very hard lately.

I am recommending you
for a promotion.

- I get to use the executive bathroom?
- Of course.

Holy crap. You know, last week
I ate a fortune cookie that said:

"Obvious lesbian
will bring great news. "

It also said a grand piano
will fall on me.

Well, good day to you.

And I will, um...

Uh, yeah. I mean, we're done.

Just, uh, squeeze by you here.

Is this where I get the poop pass
to use the executive bathroom?

Sit down. We need to talk.

Well, make it fast,
because I'm starting to crown.

Mr. Griffin, all our executives
require a high school education.

And your file says
that you never passed the third grade.

If you want this,
you'll have to go back and finish.

Well, that sounds hilarious,
but it also might take a while.

I'm afraid that's your only option.

Well, I mean, if that's what I gotta do,
then I guess I...

Next time you get a fortune cookie,
don't open it.

Bye, you guys. Have fun at school.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, Peter, stop pouting.

All you gotta do is finish third grade
and you'll get that promotion.

Oh... This is gonna be a bigger pain...

...than getting into a last-clap contest
with Cleveland.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the Quahog Men's Chorus.

Hey, hey, hey.

Clap one more time,
you're not coming to my birthday.

- Who did that?
Giggity.

Good morning, class.

Starting today,
we have a new student.

Peter, would you like to
introduce yourself?

Hi, my name's Peter Griffin. Um...

I was actually in third grade
a long time ago, but I never finished.

Back then we had a teacher
named Mrs. Wilson.

Ha-ha. Except we had
this funny little nickname for her.

We called her "Mrs. Kill-Son"
because she had an abortion.

I know it's kind of silly,
but we were just a bunch of kids.

I'm sorry. Go ahead, Mrs., uh...?

Wilson. Thank you, Peter.

Why don't you sit over there
next to Omar?

Omar is our top student.

And we're hoping he'll lead us to victory
next week in the district spelling bee.

What are you doing? You're old.
Are you stupid or something?

Oh, picking on the new kid, huh?

Well, at least my parents
didn't name me "Gaymar. "

Wow. I never knew you could make fun
of someone for being homosexual.

And by laughing at
other people's sexuality...

...somehow I feel better
about my own.

Brian, where are all the people?

They'll be here.
We gotta give them time.

And wouldn't you know it?
There's our first customer.

I'll entertain him
while we wait for more to arrive.

So thanks for coming.
How you doing tonight?

Good.

Glad to hear it. Any requests?

Play "On the Dark Side"...

...by John Cafferty
and the Beaver Brown Band.

Give it up, Brian.

No one wants to go to
a stupid big-band club anymore.

I could help make some changes around
here that would bring in customers.

You know, we should give Stewie
a shot. It can't hurt.

Well, what did you have in mind?

Just trust me.
I know exactly what to do.

You've gotta be aggressive.

More aggressive than Michael Jackson's
treatment of his own groin onstage.

Hee-hee.

Thank you.

All right, Susie. What have you
brought in for show-and-tell?

This is my Malibu Barbie doll
that I got for Christmas this year.

She comes with a hairbrush,
a pocketbook and two different dresses.

Oh, my God. Who the hell cares?

Peter, I would like to remind you
that you are in a classroom.

Not for long.

Can I help you, sir?

Hi. My name's Glenn Griffin.

Uh, I'm here to pick up my son Peter
for a ball ga... Uh, doctor's appointment.

- Peter is your son?
- That is affirmative.

Because you look
a lot more like that child over there.

- Daddy?
- Oh, God.

- Daddy?
- Oh, God.

- Pap??
- Oh, God.

- Hey, there are no kids in here, right?
- No. Just me.

Oh, thank God.

You wanna have unprotected sex?

Hmm...

What the hell
did Stewie do to this place?

Hey, get a load of
Maynard G. Krebs over here.

He's rubbing the records
with his hand.

Hey, hey.
You're gonna ruin that, you know.

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have
called you a name.

Here, take some of these
for your 45s.

You can't play your 45s
without these little yellow things.

What'll they make you buy next?

Hey, hey. There they are.

Stewie, what is all this?
What did you do to the Cabana Club?

Oh, we don't call it
the Cabana Club anymore, Frank.

It's now called pLace. Little P, big L.

Congratulations. You two now own
the hottest spot in town.

Wow, that's a lot of people.
I hope we have enough rye.

How'd you pay for all this?

I got a job as a field reporter
for Channel 5 News.

All the juice is collected underneath?

Yes. And whoever collects the most
is gonna win a free weekend here...

...with international foods
and wine tasting.

Stop. Oho... Oof!

Oh!

Ow, ow, ow!

Oh, I can't breathe. I can't breathe.
Ow, ow, ow.

Ooh. Oh, gosh. I hope he's all right.

We'll have to send someone
to make sure that he is.

- Hey, Omar, want a Hertz doughnut?
- Um...

Okay.

Hurts, don't it? Ha-ha-ha. Dumb-ass.

Wow, he effectively silenced Omar
by hitting him in the face.

My dad hits me.
But I bet if I hit others, the pain stops.

Someday, I'll use
what I've learned here on my wife.

Peter, is this your homework?

Hold on.
Let me take out my reading glasses.

Ha-ha-ha. Yeah, that's mine.

I could flunk you for this.

But "buttlickers"
is a three-syllable word.

Not even Omar can spell those.

So you're joining him
at next week's district spelling bee.

If you lead our school to victory...

...I'll let you pass third grade.

But if you lose, you fail.

I accept that challenge.

Late '70s Bruce Jenner,
take me home.

Hop on, Peter.

Brian, how does it feel to own
the coolest club in Quahog?

You think this is cool?
Look at these people.

I'd rather go bankrupt
than cater to jerks like this.

Whoa, Brian. Slow down, man.

We're making money now.
And besides, this place ain't all bad.

Hey, you girls thirsty?

Could I interest you
in a couple of Rob Roys?

- What's a Rob Roy?
- Only the drink of Mr. Peter Lawford.

Who's Peter Lawford?

What am I hitting on,
Lou Costello here?

Who's Lou Costello?

Uh, sorry, my friend's a little new
to the club scene.

Jeez, what the hell's
with these broads?

Look at you two.
Tuxes in a nightclub?

You're more out of place
than Prince was on The Price Is Right.

And what's your bid
on the dining-room set, Prince?

Three-fifty.
- I'm sorry?

- Three-fif...
- Can you speak up, please?

Three-fifty.

All right. And the actual retail price
of the dining-room set is $350.

Yay.

- Peter, wake up.
- Huh? Wha...? Oh. Oh.

Oh, Lois.
I just had the weirdest dream.

Lewis Black told jokes
that were so funny...

...he had to shout them
so everyone could hear.

Peter, you gotta stay awake.
The spelling bee's tomorrow.

But, Lois, I'm scared.

There's no way I can compete
against those kids.

It's like trying
to beat Schpupel champion...

...Fjurg van der Ploeg
at a game of Schpupel.

Schpupel.

Don't be sad, Peter.
That's why they call it Schpupel.

God, we look like idiots.

Hey, hey. That's more like it.
Where'd you get the threads?

We went to Barneys.

I heard that's where all the people shop
for skinny-leg jeans.

Whoa, these are the tightest,
penis-compressingest...

...sperm-killingest, testicle-grippingest
jeans I ever tried on.

Brian, Frank,
meet Dakota and New Bedford.

Hey, how's it hanging, Dakota?

What's up, New Bedford?

You look like rappers,
but you're not black.

So that's
the perfect amount of danger.

Listen, you guys
get to know each other.

Looks like my doorman
let another gazelle in here.

Sorry,
but we've been over this before.

- We don't serve your kind here.
- You're gonna hear from my lawyer.

Yeah? I would welcome that.
I would welcome the opportunity...

...to hear from a lawyer that represents
a gazelle. What's his name?

Yeah, I don't have a lawyer.

I'll tell you about Dean Martin.

He was the only guy on the golf course
who had a 5-iron...

...with a cork on the end of it.

So, uh, who wants to come back to the
hotel and take a whack at my genitals?

- Cool.
- Awesome.

All right, we got a ball game.

Hang on, girls.
I'll get you a couple of appletinis.

This is going great, Frank.
This club and these clothes.

My God,
there's nothing that can stop us.

Hey, party people!

I'm ready to get eighty-sixed.

- Andy Dick?
- Oh, no.

Come on. Let's get out of here.

What the hell just happened?

Andy Dick happened.

As soon as that guy
shows up anyplace...

...it gets a worse rap
than John Wilkes Booth.

Stupid hat. Damn it.

I paid 15 cents for this ticket.

Oh! No, he didn't.

Christ, could he be
any more annoying?

Oh, hey, it's Tom. Tommy. Ha-ha-ha.

Hey, I hear you took
that black chick home.

Hey, hey. You're welcome.

Our next spelling-bee contestant
is Omar Mahajareef... Uh...

Something September 11 th-y.

All right, Omar. Your word is "candy. "

Candy. C-A-N-D-Y. Candy.

That's correct.
Our next contestant is Peter Griffin.

Peter, your word is "tree. "

Can you use it in a sentence?

There is a tree by the lake.

Huh. Can you use it
in a dirty sentence?

I like to bring transient hookers
to the oak tree...

...where I asphyxiate myself at the
same time I'm watching them have sex.

- T-R-E-E. Tree.
- Correct.

We're down
to our final two competitors:

Peter Griffin and Omar North Tower.
Omar, you'll be going first.

Your word is "coagulate. "

C- O-A-G-A...

Oh, I'm sorry, Omar.

Bet you could spell "box cutter. "

I'm 9 years old and I'm Indian.

All right, Peter.

If you spell your next word correctly,
you win the competition.

Your word is "lesbians. "

- Can you use it in a sentence?
- The two lesbians are going shopping.

Use it in a dirty sentence.

The two lesbians are going shopping
for double-headed marital aids.

Damn.

Wait! Can you use it
in a libelous sentence?

Gillian Anderson
and Helen Hunt are lesbians.

- L-E-S-B-I-A-N-S.
- Correct.

I did it, Lois. My God, I did it.

You sure did, Peter.
I'm so proud of you.

Way to go, Dad.

Yeah, you're a smart fella, Dad.

And you're a fart-smeller, Meg.

- Aah!
- Ha-ha-ha.

Let's go home.

Angela, I did it.

I finished the third grade.
I'm ready for my promotion.

Griffin, you blew up
a children's hospital.

- You're going to jail.
- What?

What, you think everyone
just forgot about that?

There was an investigation,
fingerprints, forensic reports.

Nineteen children died, Peter.

And the FBI knows it was you.

Mr. Griffin, this court finds you guilty...

...and sentences you
to seven days in prison.

You'll be out next Sunday at 9.

God, I can't believe we bought these
clothes for a club that didn't even last.

Hey, come on.
We had a great 72-hour run.

In this business,
that's all you can ask for.

Besides, I've already opened a new club
that's even more exclusive than this one.

Really? Where is it?

Brian, it's so exclusive
that it doesn't even have a location.

It's in here. Human heart.

I think that's a beat
we can all dance to.

Wow. I weirdly feel a lot better.

Hey, Brian, what do you say
we sing Stewie some real music?

Sounds good to me.

On the western side of Quahog

If you'd care to come along

There's a club that's so exclusive

That the line is 10 miles long

Where the douche bags come to party

And to spend their father's cash

Just to take home slutty women

And then wake up with a rash

Yeah, they wake up

Wake up, wake up
Wake up with a rash

Take me out to pLace tonight

Where the wool knit caps are tight

And the guys in hooded sweatshirts

Have forgotten that they're white

Take me out to pLace tonight

Where a dude can pick a fight

Over who takes home
That smoking Chinese bar skank

On the right

There's a throng of trendy people

And they're stretched
Around the block

And there's one unpleasant deaf guy

Who just really shouldn't talk

Vodka tonic, please.

There's a chick who's kind of Persian

And a broad with zero fat

And a giant human monkey

Oh, no, wait, that's Spencer Pratt

Yeah, you're right

That's Spencer Pratt

Take me out to pLace tonight

To a bathroom-stall delight

Where a girl will help you empty

Every last electrolyte

Take me out to pLace tonight

Where there ain't no cellulite

And we'll drink ourselves insane
Until we're feeling

Dynamite