Family Guy (1998–…): Season 5, Episode 7 - Chick Cancer - full transcript
Stewie tries to win over retired child actress Olivia; Peter makes his own chick flick.
# It seems today that all you see
# Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
# But where are those
good old-fashioned values
# On which we used to rely?
# Lucky there's a family guy
# Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
# All the things that make us
# Laugh and cry
# He's a family guy #
Coming up, a New Orleans man says
his socks are finally dry.
But first, the big news
in entertainment this week
is the lovable child actress
Olivia Fuller.
Oh, my God, Brian, that's Olivia
from the performing arts school.
What sort of overblown contract
has that dreadful bitch landed now?
Most of you know Olivia
as the adorable little girl
in the Tasty Juice ads.
Hey, Mom, can I have some soda?
No, but you can have
some Tasty Juice.
It has only one-third
the sugar of soda.
Hm. Delicious. Thanks, Mom.
But little Olivia's career
may be over just as it begins
with today's announcement that
Tasty Juice will be dropping her
as their spokesperson and
replacing her with a new ad campaign
featuring rock'n'roll legend
Chuck Berry.
Open your mouth, baby,
here it comes.
But there is a silver lining
for local Quahogians,
as Miss Fuller will be appearing
at the Quahog Mall this weekend
to mark the grand opening of the new
Brat Wraps kids' clothing store.
Oh, that's perfect. We have to
go down there this weekend
and heckle her roundly.
I'll humiliate her
worse than Luke Skywalker did
to that rebel pilot.
The exhaust shaft is only 2m wide,
so you'll have to use
proton torpedoes.
Well, that's impossible,
even for a computer.
It's not. I used to bullseye
womp rats in my T-16 back home.
They're not much bigger than 2m.
Hey, can I talk to you
privately for a second? Sure.
That was unnecessary.
What's the problem?
Well, you just called me out
in front of everybody back there.
I was just making a point.
I know, but you, like,
just kind of sandbagged me
in front of everyone we know.
Oh, I "sandbagged" you?
In front of all of our friends.
Sandbagged you? Sandbagged me, yes.
Well, here I am trying to help you
with something...
You know what? I don't need
your kind of help, all right?
Have a great assault. Jerk.
Lois, I don't understand why I gotta
sit through a chick flick.
Peter, you promised you'd come
with me to see Autumn's Piano.
Besides, you owe me big
after the way you embarrassed me
in front of Sandra Oh.
Oh, my God. Sandra Oh.
We loved you in Sideways.
Thank you.
We see you in many movies.
I think about you
while having sex with my wife.
I thank you with $1.
That's a lot of money to them.
Lois, I'm just warning you,
if this movie turns me gay,
I'll start bringing gay guys home.
And I don't mean classy,
'maybe they are,
maybe they're not' guys.
I mean big,
'Oh, my God, here they come,
floating around, making noise' gays,
not 'fix up your house' gays.
Peter, shh! It's starting.
You must be Autumn Daniels.
Welcome to Barncliffe School
for Girls. We're your roommates.
I'm Sassy, that's Pouty,
and this is Suicidy.
I got a bad feeling about Suicidy.
# Ain't no mountain high enough #
Yeah. You can tell
all the girls care about each other,
cos they have so much fun
cleaning the dishes.
AUTUMN: I have to leave,
and I'm taking my piano with me.
No! Why? Why?
She chose the piano over her insulin.
You could have had both!
See? That wasn't so bad.
Oh, you know, Lois, this movie has
helped me understand a lot of things.
Like that foreign guy at work
who helped me understand sarcasm.
Huh. Nice day we're having.
Oh-ho-ho. Yes! What?
He say "nice day,"
but he covered with rain. So?
So, he say this when your brain know
is not really nice day.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yes. He say the opposite. Is funny.
Oh, yeah, I get it.
"Nice day."
(LAUGHING) Now you funny, too.
There she is, Brian.
Oh, boy, I am going to take her down
right in front of everybody.
All right, Olivia, get ready to...
Good Lord. What is it?
Brian, she looks...
she looks fantastic.
And now TV's Olivia Fuller
will cut the ceremonial ribbon.
I hope I'm allowed to do this.
My mommy says,
"Don't run with scissors."
She's so cute. I love children.
Look at my kids.
So, everyone feel free to browse
and purchase from our fine selection.
Hey, Mom, now would be a good time
to raise my allowance.
Oh, this one's kind of nice.
What... Olivia!
Hey! Stewie? Oh, my God.
Wow, this is...it's been a while.
Yeah, I know, it has.
So, you back in town?
Yeah, we're moving back
into the old house.
Oh, that's... God, you look great.
I mean, you're all in shape.
My God, California's been
good to you.
I mean, I guess
you should be looking good,
cos everybody's
a health nut out there, right?
Yeah.
Well, anyway,
it was nice seeing you again, so...
You, too. Hey, listen, maybe
you want to come over on Friday?
It's my Bernie Mac night.
It's a fun show,
if you haven't seen it.
I can't understand
what the devil he's saying,
but, you know,
there's a lot of movement,
and it's bright and colorful.
It keeps my attention.
Look, Stewie, you're sweet,
but since I moved to Hollywood,
I've done a lot of growing up.
I'm dating
more sophisticated men now.
But it was good to see you.
What happened?
She shot me down, Brian.
What do you care?
You came here to gloat
about her contract
cancellation anyway.
Yes, but that was
before I got a look at her face.
I mean, she's a woman now, Brian.
So sophisticated, so grown up,
and she says
she wants a grown-up man.
But apparently, that's not me.
You think so (?)
Who could forget that one?
Hi, I'm the Mayor of Comedy,
here to tell you
about a new CD offer:
Sitcom Punch Lines of the '80s.
Including such gems as...
(READING)
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Plus...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
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Sounds of the '80s Studio Audience,
which includes
"Trouble Brewing"...
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
as well as "Sweet Moment"...
AUDIENCE: Aw!
and, of course, "Ethnic Kiss".
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
This is an offer you don't want to
miss. But don't take my word for it.
Hear what '80s mainstay
Howard Hesseman has to say about it.
I love it.
Would Howard Hesseman lie for weed?
We don't think so. Order now.
There we go.
You are ready for your date.
Yeah. That's a bed head.
Yeah. Hey, look at you.
You just got out of bed.
You're the underachiever
every woman wants to sleep with.
Hey, big date tonight?
Yeah, yeah.
Hey, listen, I'm sorry
about Olivia rejecting you.
Oh, I haven't given up yet, Brian.
She says she wants
a more mature, grown-up man,
so all I've got to do
is be more grown-up.
What are you doing?
Just cleaning out your brush, man.
(DOORBELL DINGS)
Hi, Jillian.
Hi, Brian, ready to go?
Hey, baby. Hi, Stewie.
What the hell are you doing?
Eh, not much, really.
Just me and my pubes hanging out.
Oh, dear God. Boy, I am so beat
from doing adult stuff all day.
So am I.
I just kind of feel like
kicking it tonight.
Oh, look at that.
I'm growing all the time.
Hey, Jillian, can you give me
a minute?
You ever just let your balls
hang out, B-ri?
You ever do that, B-roney?
Drove my Chevy to the levee,
but the levee was Bri?
Give me my hair back.
Ow. What the hell, man?
This is not going to convince Olivia
you're grown-up enough for her.
Oh, yeah?
What do you know about women?
You want to know how to get women?
There's only one place in town
you need to observe. Just watch.
I am not doing that, Glenn. Come on,
beautiful, keep an open mind.
You're a sick man.
Hey, keep it down.
I don't want my neighbours seeing
a fat, old, dirty whore
screaming at me on my front lawn.
"Whore"?
Well, maybe I should come inside.
Well, maybe you should.
What the deuce?
Why the hell would she respond
positively to such
a negative comment? Unless...
Brian, do women like it
when you treat them like crap?
Well, I don't know if you want to be
that black and white about it.
That's it, isn't it? Women respond
when you treat them like crap.
Well, Olivia, prepare to meet
a much darker Stewie Griffin.
Hey, babe. What do you say?
We going out Saturday night?
Stewie, what are you doing here?
I told you, I'm just into
a different type of guy.
Oh, yeah? I'll tell you
what you're into. Being ugly.
Stewie, you're being mean.
No. If I was being mean,
when you opened the door
I would have said,
"Oh, hey, Ray Liotta, is Olivia
home? Oh, wait, you're Olivia.
You see, I thought
you were Ray Liotta,
because your skin has the texture
of a decorative autumn squash."
So, I'll pick you up at 7:00?
That sounds wonderful.
She said yes.
My God, I'm cooler than
that cheetah from the commercials.
# RUSH: Tom Sawyer
(EXCLAIMS)
Oh, God, there is no (BLEEP) drummer
better than Neil Peart!
It ain't easy being cheesy.
Oh, Smilla, your sense of snow is
equalled only by your sense of love.
Peter, have you been up all night
watching chick movies?
Lois, before I found these movies,
women only made me cry
through my penis.
Now they make me cry through my eyes.
I've decided.
I'm making my own chick flick.
What? You don't know anything
about making movies.
Are you kidding? I got lots of
experience in the film industry.
I was the original Pretty Woman.
You look beautiful,
but there's something missing.
(LAUGHING GIRLISHLY)
This is a beautiful spot, Stewie.
I know. I love coming here,
because you can just sit here
and people-watch, you know?
Oh, look at this. Look at this guy.
Look at this. What is that?
What is he doing?
Just standing there,
smelling his hand? "What is that?
What is that on my hand?
Is that barbecue sauce?
When was I near barbecue sauce?"
Oh, look, look! Jewish cowboy!
Jewish cowboy!
Yeah. Not gonna be so tough
when the sun goes down, are you?
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Better go rassle up some
Chinese food, Hopalong Nussbaum.
You know, Stewie, I'm really glad
I gave you another chance.
You're a really special guy. I know.
No, no, I'm kidding.
I'm not really that self-centred.
But, you know, Olivia,
I can't think of any place
I'd rather be than right here,
right now with you.
Oh, look at this guy. Now, there's
someone who cuts his own hair.
Yeah, no kidding.
Oh, my God. Oh, check out
this uptight Asian guy.
Look at that.
(SINGSONG TO ASIAN MELODY)
"I work really hard,
cos I'm no fun." (IMITATES GONG)
STEWIE: Boy, this is a great city.
I don't care what anybody says.
OLIVIA: I know. Look at
that sunset against the skyline.
I know. Wow, look at that.
A perfect end to a perfect day. Yeah.
Well, we should probably get home.
This area gets really dangerous
at night.
(ROARING)
OK, everyone, welcome
to the first day of shooting
for Steel Vaginas.
Peter, this movie
doesn't seem to make any sense.
It makes perfect sense, Lois.
This is the scene where our heroine,
Vageena Hertz,
is told by Dr McNugget here
that she has uncurable chick cancer.
OK, Joe, let's lose the wheelchair
and shoot this thing.
I can't lose the wheelchair.
I need it to move.
OK, yeah, but your character
can walk.
Peter, I'm handicapped.
I can't walk.
OK, Chris, roll film. And action!
Joe, get out of the damn chair.
Chris, get the cattle prod.
OK, now give him some peanut butter
so we can make it look like
he's talking.
God, I hate these things.
Sweetie, can't you just have
a good time? I don't know anybody.
These are all your friends. Just
relax. Have some cake or something.
Hey, hey, who do we have here?
Oh, my God! Victor?
Hey, kiddo, how are you?
Great. Great.
Wow! Stewie, this is Victor.
We did a Flintstones Vitamins
commercial together.
"Ten million strong and growing!"
"Ten million strong and growing!"
Oh, yeah, good to meet you.
How are you?
Victor is such a good actor.
He played a dead baby on CSI: Miami.
Yeah, I'm more into writing now.
Oh, hang on a sec.
Idea for a short story.
Guy picks his nose, then eats it.
Yeah, good luck with that.
Hey, Olivia, why don't
you and I go get some punch?
Oh, actually, would you mind
getting some for Victor and me
while we catch up?
Or a third option.
Why doesn't Victor go get some punch
for you and me?
Or maybe you and I could go away
from Victor and go get the punch?
Or none of us could have punch.
But still Victor could go away.
Victor, would you excuse us
for a second? Sure.
Idea for a novel.
Guy loses his favourite blankie,
goes looking for it
and finds it in the kitchen.
I amaze myself. It's genius.
It's unbelievable.
I don't know where I get it from.
What the hell is wrong with you?
You're acting like a jerk.
Oh, I'm acting like a jerk?
What about Phony Curtis over there?
He happens to be a very intelligent,
successful actor.
He's done three national
diaper commercials.
They should put
a diaper on his face.
That's where the crap is coming out.
You don't own me.
I can talk to whoever I want.
I don't see a ring on my finger.
I, Stewie, take you, Olivia,
to be my lawfully wedded wife.
What's that, Rupert?
Oh, kiss the bride. Yes.
AUDIENCE: Whoo!
Hi, honey, I'm home!
Hi, sweetie, how was your day?
Well, I was an astronaut
for a while, then I was a cowboy,
and then all afternoon I was
a fireman, so it's been a long one.
What's for dinner?
Play-Doh spaghetti.
Oh. What?
No. No, it's nothing.
Just had Play-Doh spaghetti
last night.
And that's all we had last night.
What does that mean?
Oh, I don't know, Olivia.
Maybe that we are
in a sexless marriage.
We have yet to have sex.
Do you even know what sex is?
That's not the point! Don't change
the... It's a kind of cake?
Look, can we just drop this
and have a normal pretend dinner?
Fine. Ugh! Some days I think it was
easier being Q'Bert's roommate.
God, it's all night with this guy.
Hey, if you're gonna leave
all those lights on, I'm not
gonna split the electric bill.
Sorry we're late, everyone,
but JonBenet here
took forever with her make-up.
Yes, and we probably would have
shaved a few minutes off our trip,
but Mr Cheapo here refused
to let the valet touch his Big Wheel,
so we drove around the block
six times till we could find a spot.
But to his credit,
it's a great spot to get mugged.
Wouldn't that be a shame,
if they took all my money
out of both our wallets? It's just
good to have you guys here.
Can I get you folks
something to drink?
Yes, I'll just have flat water.
Do you have HI-C Tropical Punch?
And it begins! What?
I can't have a drink with dinner?
Oh, so dinner started
at 2:00 this afternoon, did it?
Yes, the same time you decided
to hole up in the bathroom
for three hours waxing your eyebrows.
You swore you would never...
I have a prominent brow,
and I do what I can to get by.
Well, hey, what's important
is that you're here now.
Let's just enjoy dinner. Yeah,
can't we just have a good time?
Ask Olivia. The three of us
are having a great time.
What's your problem? My problem
is you. You're acting like a baby!
And we come to the centre
of the shrubbery maze.
That's what it all comes down to,
isn't it?
I'm not grown-up enough for you.
Well, you are a baby, aren't you?
Stay out of it. Stay out of it.
Well, if you think I'm a baby, then
perhaps I should act like a baby.
(MOCK WAILING)
MAN: Hey, could you keep
that kid quiet? Oh, what's that?
What's that, sir? I'm sorry,
am I being too loud for you?
You wanna come over here
and quiet me down?
Let's not do this.
Oh, God. Stewie, come on.
I'm scared. No, it's OK. It's OK.
Sir? You feel strong?
You wanna come over here?
MAN: No, I want to stay here
and have my steak. Oh, yeah? Yeah.
What is that, the porterhouse? Yeah.
How is it? What do you care?
If we weren't fighting,
would you recommend it?
Yeah, I would.
Well, I know what I'm getting.
Hello, everyone.
Well, here we are, opening night.
You know, somebody once told me
that making movies was easy.
Yeah. Yeah, you know
what else is easy?
Open heart surgery.
FOUAD: (LAUGHING) Yes!
Yeah, thanks for coming, Fouad.
Oh! Is funny because
open heart surgery not easy at all.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Calm down, Fouad.
So, without further dudes,
let's watch this thing.
PETER: At first, I didn't believe
in women and unicorns,
but that was before I knew
about the power of chick stuff,
and before I knew Vageena Hertz.
MAN: Sorry.
When Vageena was first born, I had
a small heart and a lot to learn.
Push, honey!
Hurry up and give me my baby boy!
Cleveland, more SpaghettiOs.
Oh, good, a baby.
Oh, no, it's a girl.
And I hate girls.
But one day, Vageena went swimming
too soon
after eating a sandwich,
and this happened.
Help! Help! I'm drowning! Help!
We gotta get this woman to
surgery time. Right stat now!
But it was too late,
and she died from an angry hymen.
Fin.
Wow, that was the worst
piece of crap I've ever seen.
Oh, my God, that was an abomination.
That was awful. Awful. Awful, awful.
My ass is actually sore.
My ass is actually sore.
Hey, where's Olivia?
Oh, she's probably up at the house.
Stewie? Yeah?
It's not your fault.
What? It's not your fault.
I know. It's not your fault.
I know. No, Stewie, Stewie.
It's not your fault.
Don't do this to me, man.
Not you, man.
It's not your fault.
Screw you. Cut it out, man.
It's not your fault.
Why is it so hard?
I didn't know
it was gonna be so hard.
Look, Stewie, you stood up
before God and all your toys
and you took an oath to stick it out
when things got tough.
You want her to see you as an adult?
Well, this is adulthood.
You're right, Brian.
I can't hide from this relationship.
It's my responsibility
to deal with it.
I mean, what kind of a man
would I be if I ran off now?
Well, you'd be a black man.
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa, what was that?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
That was my father talking.
You gotta work on that, man.
Bad dog.
Sweetie, listen, I'm sorry, I...
Oh, Stewie. I thought you were
at Chuck E Cheese with your mom.
No. A four-year-old died
in the ball pit.
We had to cancel.
Is that the Silly Putty
I bought you this weekend?
Stewie, this isn't
what it looks like.
Yeah, Stewie,
I just dropped by to...
Hey, hey!
Ain't nobody talking to you.
Is that the Silly Putty
I bought you this weekend?
You know, I'm really...
I'm sensing something here that...
I should be going.
No, how about you stay here
and I leave
and never come back again?
Stewie, this isn't
how I wanted it to end.
But you did want it to end.
You've made that perfectly clear.
Listen, are you gonna be all right?
Yeah, I'll be fine.
(SNIFFING) Is that smoke?
Idea for a farce. Cheating wife
and pompous ass burned alive.
subtitles by Deluxe
So, what happened?
Well, you want to know
what I learned this week?
Being a grown-up sucks.
Women, Brian,
what a royal pain in the arse!
It's like, why can't you
just hang out with guys?
You know, just live with someone
of your own sex.
Just do what you would do
with women,
but with your buddy. You know,
why don't guys just do that?
They do. It's called being gay.
Oh, that's what gay is?
Oh, yeah,
I could totally get into that.
.
# Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
# But where are those
good old-fashioned values
# On which we used to rely?
# Lucky there's a family guy
# Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
# All the things that make us
# Laugh and cry
# He's a family guy #
Coming up, a New Orleans man says
his socks are finally dry.
But first, the big news
in entertainment this week
is the lovable child actress
Olivia Fuller.
Oh, my God, Brian, that's Olivia
from the performing arts school.
What sort of overblown contract
has that dreadful bitch landed now?
Most of you know Olivia
as the adorable little girl
in the Tasty Juice ads.
Hey, Mom, can I have some soda?
No, but you can have
some Tasty Juice.
It has only one-third
the sugar of soda.
Hm. Delicious. Thanks, Mom.
But little Olivia's career
may be over just as it begins
with today's announcement that
Tasty Juice will be dropping her
as their spokesperson and
replacing her with a new ad campaign
featuring rock'n'roll legend
Chuck Berry.
Open your mouth, baby,
here it comes.
But there is a silver lining
for local Quahogians,
as Miss Fuller will be appearing
at the Quahog Mall this weekend
to mark the grand opening of the new
Brat Wraps kids' clothing store.
Oh, that's perfect. We have to
go down there this weekend
and heckle her roundly.
I'll humiliate her
worse than Luke Skywalker did
to that rebel pilot.
The exhaust shaft is only 2m wide,
so you'll have to use
proton torpedoes.
Well, that's impossible,
even for a computer.
It's not. I used to bullseye
womp rats in my T-16 back home.
They're not much bigger than 2m.
Hey, can I talk to you
privately for a second? Sure.
That was unnecessary.
What's the problem?
Well, you just called me out
in front of everybody back there.
I was just making a point.
I know, but you, like,
just kind of sandbagged me
in front of everyone we know.
Oh, I "sandbagged" you?
In front of all of our friends.
Sandbagged you? Sandbagged me, yes.
Well, here I am trying to help you
with something...
You know what? I don't need
your kind of help, all right?
Have a great assault. Jerk.
Lois, I don't understand why I gotta
sit through a chick flick.
Peter, you promised you'd come
with me to see Autumn's Piano.
Besides, you owe me big
after the way you embarrassed me
in front of Sandra Oh.
Oh, my God. Sandra Oh.
We loved you in Sideways.
Thank you.
We see you in many movies.
I think about you
while having sex with my wife.
I thank you with $1.
That's a lot of money to them.
Lois, I'm just warning you,
if this movie turns me gay,
I'll start bringing gay guys home.
And I don't mean classy,
'maybe they are,
maybe they're not' guys.
I mean big,
'Oh, my God, here they come,
floating around, making noise' gays,
not 'fix up your house' gays.
Peter, shh! It's starting.
You must be Autumn Daniels.
Welcome to Barncliffe School
for Girls. We're your roommates.
I'm Sassy, that's Pouty,
and this is Suicidy.
I got a bad feeling about Suicidy.
# Ain't no mountain high enough #
Yeah. You can tell
all the girls care about each other,
cos they have so much fun
cleaning the dishes.
AUTUMN: I have to leave,
and I'm taking my piano with me.
No! Why? Why?
She chose the piano over her insulin.
You could have had both!
See? That wasn't so bad.
Oh, you know, Lois, this movie has
helped me understand a lot of things.
Like that foreign guy at work
who helped me understand sarcasm.
Huh. Nice day we're having.
Oh-ho-ho. Yes! What?
He say "nice day,"
but he covered with rain. So?
So, he say this when your brain know
is not really nice day.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yes. He say the opposite. Is funny.
Oh, yeah, I get it.
"Nice day."
(LAUGHING) Now you funny, too.
There she is, Brian.
Oh, boy, I am going to take her down
right in front of everybody.
All right, Olivia, get ready to...
Good Lord. What is it?
Brian, she looks...
she looks fantastic.
And now TV's Olivia Fuller
will cut the ceremonial ribbon.
I hope I'm allowed to do this.
My mommy says,
"Don't run with scissors."
She's so cute. I love children.
Look at my kids.
So, everyone feel free to browse
and purchase from our fine selection.
Hey, Mom, now would be a good time
to raise my allowance.
Oh, this one's kind of nice.
What... Olivia!
Hey! Stewie? Oh, my God.
Wow, this is...it's been a while.
Yeah, I know, it has.
So, you back in town?
Yeah, we're moving back
into the old house.
Oh, that's... God, you look great.
I mean, you're all in shape.
My God, California's been
good to you.
I mean, I guess
you should be looking good,
cos everybody's
a health nut out there, right?
Yeah.
Well, anyway,
it was nice seeing you again, so...
You, too. Hey, listen, maybe
you want to come over on Friday?
It's my Bernie Mac night.
It's a fun show,
if you haven't seen it.
I can't understand
what the devil he's saying,
but, you know,
there's a lot of movement,
and it's bright and colorful.
It keeps my attention.
Look, Stewie, you're sweet,
but since I moved to Hollywood,
I've done a lot of growing up.
I'm dating
more sophisticated men now.
But it was good to see you.
What happened?
She shot me down, Brian.
What do you care?
You came here to gloat
about her contract
cancellation anyway.
Yes, but that was
before I got a look at her face.
I mean, she's a woman now, Brian.
So sophisticated, so grown up,
and she says
she wants a grown-up man.
But apparently, that's not me.
You think so (?)
Who could forget that one?
Hi, I'm the Mayor of Comedy,
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There we go.
You are ready for your date.
Yeah. That's a bed head.
Yeah. Hey, look at you.
You just got out of bed.
You're the underachiever
every woman wants to sleep with.
Hey, big date tonight?
Yeah, yeah.
Hey, listen, I'm sorry
about Olivia rejecting you.
Oh, I haven't given up yet, Brian.
She says she wants
a more mature, grown-up man,
so all I've got to do
is be more grown-up.
What are you doing?
Just cleaning out your brush, man.
(DOORBELL DINGS)
Hi, Jillian.
Hi, Brian, ready to go?
Hey, baby. Hi, Stewie.
What the hell are you doing?
Eh, not much, really.
Just me and my pubes hanging out.
Oh, dear God. Boy, I am so beat
from doing adult stuff all day.
So am I.
I just kind of feel like
kicking it tonight.
Oh, look at that.
I'm growing all the time.
Hey, Jillian, can you give me
a minute?
You ever just let your balls
hang out, B-ri?
You ever do that, B-roney?
Drove my Chevy to the levee,
but the levee was Bri?
Give me my hair back.
Ow. What the hell, man?
This is not going to convince Olivia
you're grown-up enough for her.
Oh, yeah?
What do you know about women?
You want to know how to get women?
There's only one place in town
you need to observe. Just watch.
I am not doing that, Glenn. Come on,
beautiful, keep an open mind.
You're a sick man.
Hey, keep it down.
I don't want my neighbours seeing
a fat, old, dirty whore
screaming at me on my front lawn.
"Whore"?
Well, maybe I should come inside.
Well, maybe you should.
What the deuce?
Why the hell would she respond
positively to such
a negative comment? Unless...
Brian, do women like it
when you treat them like crap?
Well, I don't know if you want to be
that black and white about it.
That's it, isn't it? Women respond
when you treat them like crap.
Well, Olivia, prepare to meet
a much darker Stewie Griffin.
Hey, babe. What do you say?
We going out Saturday night?
Stewie, what are you doing here?
I told you, I'm just into
a different type of guy.
Oh, yeah? I'll tell you
what you're into. Being ugly.
Stewie, you're being mean.
No. If I was being mean,
when you opened the door
I would have said,
"Oh, hey, Ray Liotta, is Olivia
home? Oh, wait, you're Olivia.
You see, I thought
you were Ray Liotta,
because your skin has the texture
of a decorative autumn squash."
So, I'll pick you up at 7:00?
That sounds wonderful.
She said yes.
My God, I'm cooler than
that cheetah from the commercials.
# RUSH: Tom Sawyer
(EXCLAIMS)
Oh, God, there is no (BLEEP) drummer
better than Neil Peart!
It ain't easy being cheesy.
Oh, Smilla, your sense of snow is
equalled only by your sense of love.
Peter, have you been up all night
watching chick movies?
Lois, before I found these movies,
women only made me cry
through my penis.
Now they make me cry through my eyes.
I've decided.
I'm making my own chick flick.
What? You don't know anything
about making movies.
Are you kidding? I got lots of
experience in the film industry.
I was the original Pretty Woman.
You look beautiful,
but there's something missing.
(LAUGHING GIRLISHLY)
This is a beautiful spot, Stewie.
I know. I love coming here,
because you can just sit here
and people-watch, you know?
Oh, look at this. Look at this guy.
Look at this. What is that?
What is he doing?
Just standing there,
smelling his hand? "What is that?
What is that on my hand?
Is that barbecue sauce?
When was I near barbecue sauce?"
Oh, look, look! Jewish cowboy!
Jewish cowboy!
Yeah. Not gonna be so tough
when the sun goes down, are you?
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Better go rassle up some
Chinese food, Hopalong Nussbaum.
You know, Stewie, I'm really glad
I gave you another chance.
You're a really special guy. I know.
No, no, I'm kidding.
I'm not really that self-centred.
But, you know, Olivia,
I can't think of any place
I'd rather be than right here,
right now with you.
Oh, look at this guy. Now, there's
someone who cuts his own hair.
Yeah, no kidding.
Oh, my God. Oh, check out
this uptight Asian guy.
Look at that.
(SINGSONG TO ASIAN MELODY)
"I work really hard,
cos I'm no fun." (IMITATES GONG)
STEWIE: Boy, this is a great city.
I don't care what anybody says.
OLIVIA: I know. Look at
that sunset against the skyline.
I know. Wow, look at that.
A perfect end to a perfect day. Yeah.
Well, we should probably get home.
This area gets really dangerous
at night.
(ROARING)
OK, everyone, welcome
to the first day of shooting
for Steel Vaginas.
Peter, this movie
doesn't seem to make any sense.
It makes perfect sense, Lois.
This is the scene where our heroine,
Vageena Hertz,
is told by Dr McNugget here
that she has uncurable chick cancer.
OK, Joe, let's lose the wheelchair
and shoot this thing.
I can't lose the wheelchair.
I need it to move.
OK, yeah, but your character
can walk.
Peter, I'm handicapped.
I can't walk.
OK, Chris, roll film. And action!
Joe, get out of the damn chair.
Chris, get the cattle prod.
OK, now give him some peanut butter
so we can make it look like
he's talking.
God, I hate these things.
Sweetie, can't you just have
a good time? I don't know anybody.
These are all your friends. Just
relax. Have some cake or something.
Hey, hey, who do we have here?
Oh, my God! Victor?
Hey, kiddo, how are you?
Great. Great.
Wow! Stewie, this is Victor.
We did a Flintstones Vitamins
commercial together.
"Ten million strong and growing!"
"Ten million strong and growing!"
Oh, yeah, good to meet you.
How are you?
Victor is such a good actor.
He played a dead baby on CSI: Miami.
Yeah, I'm more into writing now.
Oh, hang on a sec.
Idea for a short story.
Guy picks his nose, then eats it.
Yeah, good luck with that.
Hey, Olivia, why don't
you and I go get some punch?
Oh, actually, would you mind
getting some for Victor and me
while we catch up?
Or a third option.
Why doesn't Victor go get some punch
for you and me?
Or maybe you and I could go away
from Victor and go get the punch?
Or none of us could have punch.
But still Victor could go away.
Victor, would you excuse us
for a second? Sure.
Idea for a novel.
Guy loses his favourite blankie,
goes looking for it
and finds it in the kitchen.
I amaze myself. It's genius.
It's unbelievable.
I don't know where I get it from.
What the hell is wrong with you?
You're acting like a jerk.
Oh, I'm acting like a jerk?
What about Phony Curtis over there?
He happens to be a very intelligent,
successful actor.
He's done three national
diaper commercials.
They should put
a diaper on his face.
That's where the crap is coming out.
You don't own me.
I can talk to whoever I want.
I don't see a ring on my finger.
I, Stewie, take you, Olivia,
to be my lawfully wedded wife.
What's that, Rupert?
Oh, kiss the bride. Yes.
AUDIENCE: Whoo!
Hi, honey, I'm home!
Hi, sweetie, how was your day?
Well, I was an astronaut
for a while, then I was a cowboy,
and then all afternoon I was
a fireman, so it's been a long one.
What's for dinner?
Play-Doh spaghetti.
Oh. What?
No. No, it's nothing.
Just had Play-Doh spaghetti
last night.
And that's all we had last night.
What does that mean?
Oh, I don't know, Olivia.
Maybe that we are
in a sexless marriage.
We have yet to have sex.
Do you even know what sex is?
That's not the point! Don't change
the... It's a kind of cake?
Look, can we just drop this
and have a normal pretend dinner?
Fine. Ugh! Some days I think it was
easier being Q'Bert's roommate.
God, it's all night with this guy.
Hey, if you're gonna leave
all those lights on, I'm not
gonna split the electric bill.
Sorry we're late, everyone,
but JonBenet here
took forever with her make-up.
Yes, and we probably would have
shaved a few minutes off our trip,
but Mr Cheapo here refused
to let the valet touch his Big Wheel,
so we drove around the block
six times till we could find a spot.
But to his credit,
it's a great spot to get mugged.
Wouldn't that be a shame,
if they took all my money
out of both our wallets? It's just
good to have you guys here.
Can I get you folks
something to drink?
Yes, I'll just have flat water.
Do you have HI-C Tropical Punch?
And it begins! What?
I can't have a drink with dinner?
Oh, so dinner started
at 2:00 this afternoon, did it?
Yes, the same time you decided
to hole up in the bathroom
for three hours waxing your eyebrows.
You swore you would never...
I have a prominent brow,
and I do what I can to get by.
Well, hey, what's important
is that you're here now.
Let's just enjoy dinner. Yeah,
can't we just have a good time?
Ask Olivia. The three of us
are having a great time.
What's your problem? My problem
is you. You're acting like a baby!
And we come to the centre
of the shrubbery maze.
That's what it all comes down to,
isn't it?
I'm not grown-up enough for you.
Well, you are a baby, aren't you?
Stay out of it. Stay out of it.
Well, if you think I'm a baby, then
perhaps I should act like a baby.
(MOCK WAILING)
MAN: Hey, could you keep
that kid quiet? Oh, what's that?
What's that, sir? I'm sorry,
am I being too loud for you?
You wanna come over here
and quiet me down?
Let's not do this.
Oh, God. Stewie, come on.
I'm scared. No, it's OK. It's OK.
Sir? You feel strong?
You wanna come over here?
MAN: No, I want to stay here
and have my steak. Oh, yeah? Yeah.
What is that, the porterhouse? Yeah.
How is it? What do you care?
If we weren't fighting,
would you recommend it?
Yeah, I would.
Well, I know what I'm getting.
Hello, everyone.
Well, here we are, opening night.
You know, somebody once told me
that making movies was easy.
Yeah. Yeah, you know
what else is easy?
Open heart surgery.
FOUAD: (LAUGHING) Yes!
Yeah, thanks for coming, Fouad.
Oh! Is funny because
open heart surgery not easy at all.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Calm down, Fouad.
So, without further dudes,
let's watch this thing.
PETER: At first, I didn't believe
in women and unicorns,
but that was before I knew
about the power of chick stuff,
and before I knew Vageena Hertz.
MAN: Sorry.
When Vageena was first born, I had
a small heart and a lot to learn.
Push, honey!
Hurry up and give me my baby boy!
Cleveland, more SpaghettiOs.
Oh, good, a baby.
Oh, no, it's a girl.
And I hate girls.
But one day, Vageena went swimming
too soon
after eating a sandwich,
and this happened.
Help! Help! I'm drowning! Help!
We gotta get this woman to
surgery time. Right stat now!
But it was too late,
and she died from an angry hymen.
Fin.
Wow, that was the worst
piece of crap I've ever seen.
Oh, my God, that was an abomination.
That was awful. Awful. Awful, awful.
My ass is actually sore.
My ass is actually sore.
Hey, where's Olivia?
Oh, she's probably up at the house.
Stewie? Yeah?
It's not your fault.
What? It's not your fault.
I know. It's not your fault.
I know. No, Stewie, Stewie.
It's not your fault.
Don't do this to me, man.
Not you, man.
It's not your fault.
Screw you. Cut it out, man.
It's not your fault.
Why is it so hard?
I didn't know
it was gonna be so hard.
Look, Stewie, you stood up
before God and all your toys
and you took an oath to stick it out
when things got tough.
You want her to see you as an adult?
Well, this is adulthood.
You're right, Brian.
I can't hide from this relationship.
It's my responsibility
to deal with it.
I mean, what kind of a man
would I be if I ran off now?
Well, you'd be a black man.
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa, what was that?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
That was my father talking.
You gotta work on that, man.
Bad dog.
Sweetie, listen, I'm sorry, I...
Oh, Stewie. I thought you were
at Chuck E Cheese with your mom.
No. A four-year-old died
in the ball pit.
We had to cancel.
Is that the Silly Putty
I bought you this weekend?
Stewie, this isn't
what it looks like.
Yeah, Stewie,
I just dropped by to...
Hey, hey!
Ain't nobody talking to you.
Is that the Silly Putty
I bought you this weekend?
You know, I'm really...
I'm sensing something here that...
I should be going.
No, how about you stay here
and I leave
and never come back again?
Stewie, this isn't
how I wanted it to end.
But you did want it to end.
You've made that perfectly clear.
Listen, are you gonna be all right?
Yeah, I'll be fine.
(SNIFFING) Is that smoke?
Idea for a farce. Cheating wife
and pompous ass burned alive.
subtitles by Deluxe
So, what happened?
Well, you want to know
what I learned this week?
Being a grown-up sucks.
Women, Brian,
what a royal pain in the arse!
It's like, why can't you
just hang out with guys?
You know, just live with someone
of your own sex.
Just do what you would do
with women,
but with your buddy. You know,
why don't guys just do that?
They do. It's called being gay.
Oh, that's what gay is?
Oh, yeah,
I could totally get into that.
.