Family Guy (1998–…): Season 5, Episode 8 - Barely Legal - full transcript

Family Guy
Barely Legal

Synchronisation : Kemar
Transcript : Raceman

And now back to Romancing the Stone.

The only way they're not going to kill
my sister is if we give them the stone.

Well, they're going to be
looking everywhere.

We'll have to hide it in my chin.

Uh-oh, here they come.
You'd better get in there, too.

Good God,

Joan Wilder's sister is being
held hostage in Cartagena,

and there's not a policeman in sight.
I guess it's up to me.

- Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.
- And I'm Diane Simmons.



Our top story : Mayor West has dispatched
the entire Quahog police force

to Cartagena, Columbia, to assist in the
rescue of fictional 1984 movie character,

Elaine Wilder. More on that later.

Now let's go to
Ollie Williams' Cooking Corner.

- What are you making, Ollie?
- Eggo!

Thanks, Ollie. And now this.

Lois, can you come out here for a second?

Lois, can you run inside
and get me some oranges

or whatever it is these things eat?

Peter, what is that?

This would be a giraffe, Issac Newton.
I stole it from the zoo.

What with Mayor West sending
all the cops away,

everybody can do whatever they want.

Peter, I don't care what
Mayor West has done.



You can't just break the law.

Sure, I can.
I've been doing it all week.

Like yesterday, I started a lovable
gang of cockney pickpockets.

All right, boys,
the best targets are old, rich people.

There's one now. Go get him.

Oh, no, there's no police here
to help me!

I hope you don't find the money
strapped to my thigh.

Peter, you take that thing back
where it belongs immediately.

All right, I guess we gotta go
back to the zoo, Allison Janney.

Allison Janney?

Oh, good morning, honey.
That feels really good.

What...? Hey! Hey! Hey!
What the hell?!

You're not the same giraffe
from last night. Get out of here.

What the hell?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

I gotta stop taking my baths
during Peter's shenanigans.

Hello.

Oh, hey, Jillian. What's up?

Brian, are you coming over
to watch Laguna Beach tonight?

Uh, what time does it start?

10:00 Eastern and Specific time.

What?
What did you say? Specific time?

- Don't you mean Pacific Time?
- No.

I think it's called Specific time.

They mean it starts specifically at 10:00.

Stewie, are you on the line?

- Yes.
- Jillian, I'll talk to you later.

Uh... so... Meg.

How was school?

Horrible.

There's a dance Friday night
and no one wants to go with me.

Even my backup guy had plans.

Hi, Jimmy.

Um, I heard you didn't
have a date to the dance,

and I was wondering if
you'd like to go with me.

Oh, uh, I, uh...

H-Hang on.

I'd love to go, Meg, but...

I have to go to my little
brother's funeral that night.

Aw, I'm sure you'll find someone
to go with you.

No, I won't.

I'm so fat and gross.

I should just kill myself.

That's...

- Come on.
- I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna kill myself 'cause
no one will go with me.

Meg, stop it.

Come on.

All right, all right, Meg,
look, what if I...

what if I drove you and
walked in with you

- or whatever?
- Brian, will you go with me?!

- Are you going to kill yourself if I don't?
- Yeah.

Well, then my hands are pretty much tied.

Oh, Brian, thank you,
thank you, thank you.

I have to buy a new dress.
All the ones I have make me look fat.

The story on everyone's mind

continues to be the absence
of police officers in Quahog.

Sir, as a citizen,
how has this affected you?

The police are gone?
Oh, my God, we're finally safe!

Freedom you see has got
our hearts singing so joyfully

Just look about, you owe it
to yourself to check it out

Can't you feel a brand-new day?

Can't you feel a brand-new day?

Can't you feel a brand-new day?

Can't you feel a brand-new day?

Hey, Joe, where you been?
We haven't seen you in days.

Ever since Mayor West
deployed the police to Cartagena,

I've been working nonstop.

The only reason I didn't have
to go myself

is that South America isn't
wheelchair accessible.

Hey, you guys, we should help Joe out.
We could be cops, right, Joe?

Well, we have started an emergency
training program at the Police Academy,

but I'm not sure that you're cut out
for the job.

Come on, we'll be great cops.

Besides, it's bound to go better than
my deep-sea training.

Well, we've got long time
in this decompression chamber.

You guys mind if I turn on the radio?

Peter, don't!

- Oh, nice going, jackass.
- Look what you did.

Excuse the hell out of me for trying to
brighten your day with music, all right?

- You idiot, use your brain.
- You're an idiot.

Stop, stop, stop.

Oh, man, we're going to need
some butter or something.

Oh, Brian, it is so nice of you
to take Meg to this dance.

- It really mean sa lot to her.
- You got any weed?

I put it in your coat pocket.

Here she is. Brian, I present to you
your polished turd for the evening.

How do I look, Brian?

You sure do, Meg.

FYI, the carpet matches the drapes

in color and length.

Well, Brian, here we go.

Oh, this is going to be so much fun.

God, this is going to be a long night.

Oh, Brian, let's dance.
This song kicks ass.

Man, I got to tell ya,
I can see why you'd be insecure, Meg.

Some of these chicks are unbelievable.

Brian, can I ask you something?

Are you drinking so much
because you don't want to be here?

No, no, Meg. It's-that's...
My...

God, look at these chicks.

You know, the best thing
about these girls is,

even if you're terrible,
they don't know the difference.

You know, Meg,
there's no dogs allowed here,

so you're going to have to leave.
But Brian can stay.

You know, Connie, I think I have a
theory about why you're such a bitch.

- Excuse me?
- Brian, let's just go.

No, no, no, no. Now hang on...
hang on, Meg, hang on.

You see, Connie,

you're popular because
you developed early

and started putting out when you were 12.

But now you can't stand
to look at yourself in the mirror

because all you see is a whore.

So, you pick on Meg to avoid
the inevitable realization

that once your body's used up by age 19,

you're going to be a worn-out,
chalky-skinned burlap sack

that even your step dad won't want.
How's that? Am I in the ballpark?

Brian, that was amazing.

No one's ever stood up for me like that.

Hey, no problem.
She's a... she's a skank.

You know, you don't deserve all
the crap you get, Meg, you know that?

Thanks, Brian.

Sorry, that was the booze, not you.

You gonna eat that?

Oh, yes, the day can begin.
Good morning, Brian.

Now we can do this one of two ways.
I can bust your balls to pieces right now,

or we can spread it out
over the course of the day.

- I don't want to talk about it.
- Well, I do.

So tell me everything
that happened at the dance.

- Morning, cutie.
- Uh, hey.

I had so much fun last night, Brian.

I thought maybe we could go
get some coffee later.

I-I don't think so.

Oh, come on, who's a good boy?

Who's a good boy, huh?
Who's a good boy?

Me.

- Oh, yes, yes, yes, who's a good boy?
- I am. I'm a good boy.

But... no, no, no, look, look...
I got stuff to do today.

- All right? Sorry.
- We should hook up anyway.

I'll bug you later.

Well, she seems to have taken
a shine to you, Brian.

With a little encouragement, you might get
her to put her cankles behind her ears.

Stewie, shut up.

Who the hell is texting me at 8:00 a.m.?

Wait a minute.
Something did happen last night.

Look, it's not that big a deal,
all right? We just... we just...

made out a little.

Tell me about it! Go.

It didn't mean anything.
I had a few too many and...

it's not even worth going into.

This is even a bigger jackpot
than when the Emperor figured out

the formula
for great Star Wars dialogue.

Something, something, something...

dark side.

Something, something, something...

complete.

Well, this is it.
Our first day of Police Academy IV.

Welcome to the Police Academy.

We're going to start by learning
how to do a cavity search.

Peter, you will be the police officer
and Quagmire,

you will be the suspect.
Begin.

Sir, I suspect you are
in possession of drugs,

and I'm going to have to give you
a full cavity search. Drop your pants.

Uh, Peter, you don't have
to pull your pants down.

- Oh, sorry. I'm still learning.
- All right, start the search.

I think that's everything.

You want me to double-check?

Hi, honey.

What?

I was thinking about our kiss last night.

I never knew how flat and wide
your tongue was.

Yeah...

You know, I thought about
how you stood up for me at the dance,

and all the nice things you said.

We should totally be
boyfriend and girlfriend.

Well, Meg, uh, you know what's strange?

I-I-I think I might be gay.

I saw this penis on the Internet today
and I thought to myself :

"Well, that's..."

- "that's just fine."
- I'm going to the mall later.

Maybe you can come and help me
pick out some underwear.

I don't think that's gonna
be a possibility. I have...

plans, um...

with Chris.
Chris and I have plans this afternoon.

- We do?
- Yeah, we're doing that thing.

We're doing...

what you usually do
on a Thursday afternoon.

Masturbate?

That's it.
That's what we're going to do together.

Well, maybe back to back, but
I gotta tell you I'm not 100% on this.

Oh, there's the cute prom couple.

Hi, Mom. Is it cool if Brian and I
go to the mall this afternoon?

Actually, I thought I was pretty clear...

Oh, of course it's okay.

Ever since that dance,
you two have become such good friends.

- Who would have thought?
- Oh, we're more than friends, Mom.

- Last night at the dance, Brian...
- Last night, we decided to be best friends.

Right, Meg? Come on.
Let's go to the mall. We'll get ya...

get ya a big ol' pretzel.

I want a pretzel, too!

Brian, I'm ready? You in or out?

Everyone, this is Brian.

- Oh, this is Brian.
- He does look like Ben Affleck.

- He looks just like Ben Affleck.
- Is that Ben Affleck?

- Hey.
- So, how did you guys meet?

I'm, uh, a friend of her dad's.

- Ooh, he's older.
- He's cute.

- Do you have a brother?
- Makeup and stickers and ponies

Brian's the first serious boyfriend
I've ever had.

Uh, Meg, can I talk to you
for a second?

Look, this has gone a little too far.
I like you. I think you're great, but

what happened at the dance was...

I mean, that kiss was just a mistake.

Oh, no. Did I do something wrong?

Was it because
I didn't sniff your butt first?

What? No! I mean, yes, that's how
I would know you're interested, but

Meg, the fact is that you and I are friends,
and that's the way it needs to stay.

Besides, I have a girlfriend.
I'm dating Jillian.

All right, Brian. I understand.

Good. I'm gonna grab Stewie,
and then we can go.

What's that, Brian?
Oh, you were just kidding.

I know you were.
I love you, too, Brian.

And you love me.
You do love me, Brian.

- Hey, Brian
- Oh, Meg, hey.

Hey, listen, I hope you're feeling all
right about out little talk the other day.

You know, about us being
just friends and all.

Yeah. No, I'm fine, I'm fine.
And...

hey, look, I wanted to thank you
for being so great to me.

- So, I baked you a pie.
- Oh, wow. Hey, that looks delicious.

Mmm, oh, this is good.
What's in there?

Well, there's some apples
and some cinnamon

- and my hair.
- What?

My hair's in the pie, Brian.

And now it's inside of you.

Part of me is inside of you, Brian.

Do you feel me, Brian?

Do you feel me inside of you?

Ooh, you got some pie, huh?
Can I have a piece?

- Uh, sure.
- Let me have some of that Cool "Hwhip?"

- What'd you say?
- You can't have a pie without Cool Hwhip.

- Cool Hwhip?
- Cool Hwhip, yeah.

- You mean Cool Whip.
- Yeah, Cool Hwhip.

- Cool Whip.
- Cool Hwhip.

- Cool Whip.
- Cool Hwhip.

You're saying it weird. Why are you
putting so much emphasison the "H"?

What are you talking about?
I'm just saying it, Cool Hwhip.

You put Cool Hwhip on pie.
Pie tastes better with Cool Hwhip.

- Say "whip."
- Whip.

- Now say Cool Whip.
- Cool Hwhip.

- Cool Whip.
- Cool Hwhip.

- Cool Whip.
- Cool Hwhip.

You're eating hair!

Well, Lois, I am now a graduate
of the Quahog Police Academy.

And an official on-duty cop.

I can't believe I'm married
to a big, scary police officer.

Just keep your eyes on the eggs, ma'am.

Yes, officer!

- You are such a dirty cop.
- Don't break those yolks, ma'am.

- Oh, my God, Lois, I hit you!
- I know.

Now stick your finger in there
and twist it!

Hey, uh, Lois, can I talk to you
for a second?

I think we may have
a problem with Meg.

You're telling me.
She's been locked in her room all day.

Who knows what she's doing
up there.

Yeah, well, the thing is, Meg is
becoming a little enamored with me,

and I'm kind of losing control
of the situation.

Oh, she's just grateful
you took her to the dance.

Well, uh, I think
it's more than that. Uh...

So, here's the thing, and don't get mad.

And that part I can't stress enough.
That's a great shirt, by the way.

Um, I may have made out with Meg.

Okay, I had that coming.

What the hell is wrong with you,
you sick bastard?!

- Look, I was drinking...
- Oh, what a shock!

Look, the short version is,

this morning, she made me
eat the hair in her pie.

No, it's not what you think.
Stewie had some, too.

- Stop punching me!
- Look, Brian,

I don't know what the hell happened
between you two,

but you'd better go upstairs
and straighten it out right now.

This is even worse than when you ate
that bubblegum out of the garbage.

Brian, did you get
into the garbage last night?

Uh, no. Why?

- Don't lie to me, Brian.
- I'm not lying.

Uh, Meg, you got a minute?

What the hell?

- I made that for you, Brian.
- Meg!

Look, you obviously didn't hear me
yesterday, so I'll explain it again.

And here to assist me is headmaster
of the New York School

For The Hard of Hearing,
Mr. Garret Morris.

Meg, we're not boyfriend and girlfriend.

We're not boyfriend and girlfriend!

I will never be attracted to you.

I will never be attracted to you!

You're acting like a psycho bitch.

You're acting like a psycho bitch!

Good night and have
a pleasant tomorrow.

Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow!

I won't be ignored, Brian.

Mm, I like your ass.

Joe, I gotta tell you,

this whole cop thing ain't as exciting
as I thought it was gonna be.

When do we get to shoot some bad guys?

Guys, it's not all about action.

It's about staying vigilant
until you're needed.

- What are you doing?
- I'm watching Bonnie undress.

- Bonnie's your wife.
- I know.

I like to watch her strip and pretend
she's a woman who I've never met,

but who looks just like Bonnie
and lives in my house.

Get naked, you strange whore!

Peter, I haven't seen Meg or Brian
since last night.

I think something may have happened.

Mom, is it bad if I saw Meg tie up
Brian last night,

put him in the trunk of his car
and then drive away?

What?!
Chris, why didn't you say anything?!

I dropped the ball. I'm sorry.

I have just been buried in paperwork
for the past 72 hours.

Oh, my God, Brian was right.
Meg really must be obsessed with him.

Peter, we got to find them.

Don't worry, Lois, we're the police,

and we'll do our very best
to find Brian and girl Chris.

I'm really having
a great time tonight, Brian.

I can't believe you went
to all this trouble.

- Well, you know me.
- Oh, I do, Brian.

I know you so well.

- So, are you ready?
- For what?

For the fun we're gonna have, Brian.

We're gonna have fun tonight.

Good, old-fashioned,

all-American fun.

Listen, Meg,

I'm not gonna lie to you here.
I'm a little uncomfortable.

Oh, just relax. We're gonna be here
for a "hwhile."

- Well, I don't know if... Wait, what?
- We're gonna be here for a hwhile.

- A hwhile?
- Yeah, a hwhile.

- You mean, a while.
- A hwhile.

- A while.
- A hwhile.

- A while.
- A hwhile.

- A while.
- Brian, you're acting "wheird."

Come on. That one doesn't even
have an "H" in it.

- Don't move, dirtbag!
- Holy crap, what the hell is this?

Brian, she's a teenager!

Yeah, Brian, you're doing the
same thing that Mia Farrow did

to that Oriental guy that Woody Allen
brought home from the circus.

Peter, hold on to that thought,
because I'm going to explain to you

when we get home all the things
that are wrong with that statement.

But first, Meg, you need to let Brian go.

- But, Mom, I love him!
- Honey, you're just confused.

I'm not confused!

I've never been more certain
about anything in my life!

I need him!

Meg, I know that's what
you think right now, but you're...

Oh, God, I wish
I could make you understand.

- You don't know what you need.
- I know what she needs.

- You do?
- You bet.

Bring her by my house around
8:30 tonight. I'll take care of her.

Hi, Mr. Quagmire.
Mom said I should come over here.

Have a seat, Meg.
Soon it'll all become clear.

Excuse me, while I get a
little more comfortable.

Meg, I've watched you grow up
from a playful little girl

into a very special young woman.

Now you probably just think of me as
square old Mr. Quagmire from next door,

but I've been around the block
a few times,

learned a couple things,
and I can tell you this,

there's no reason to grow up too fast.

Teenage girls are exposed
to so much these days.

I can see why a relationship
looks glamorous,

but you've got all the time in the world

and a lot of wonderful experiences
ahead of ya.

Hang on. I want to give you something.

This book helped me
when I was about your age.

It let me know that as long
as I kept on rolling,

I'd find that one person
who would make me whole.

- Thanks, Mr. Quagmire.
- You don't have to thank me.

Now get on out of here,
you little scamp.

- All right, ladies, you ready for action?
- We sure are, Glen.

- Do you have the "hwhip"?
- Got it right here... wait. What?

Hello, I'm Tom Tucker.

Coming up at 11:00,
Quahog police return to active duty

after giving up the search for fictitious
Romancing The Stone character

Elaine Wilder.

Plus, in national news,
America's scoutmasters are asking :

"Why are the kids so shy in the shower?"

And in entertainment,
is Annette Benning made of leather?

A local tanner has a
surprising revelation.

- We'll have all this and what else, Ollie?
- Sports!

And sports. Join us at 11:00.