Family Guy (1998–…): Season 5, Episode 6 - Prick Up Your Ears - full transcript

Family Guy
Prick Up Your Ears

Synchronisation : Kemar
Transcript : Raceman

We now return to Rodney King of Queens.

- Rodney, did you take out the trash?
- Um, I forgot.

Oh, no she di-in't.

Pizza for Adam West.

No. You gave me Canadian bacon
instead of bacon?

This misdeed cannot go unpunished.

Pizza delivery man, prepare to meet your
maker at the hands of my cat launcher.

Hey, look, somebody tried to break
into the dirty movie store.

Quick, grab as many as you can
before someone sees us.



Damn, I lost him.

All right, cats, back in the bag.
Come on, Fluffy.

Come on, Mittens. Come on, Paul.

What a ridiculous name for a cat.

Paul! That's a person's name.

A person's name.

Oh, Paul.

Oh, man, this is going to be great.

- Oh, are we watching a movie?
- The lab results are back.

You've tested positive for nymphomania.

Oh, no, what should I do?

Take two of these and call us
in the morning.

Oh, now that's not going
to help her nymphomania.

It's only going to exacerbate it.



Oh, my God, what are you kids doing?
Out. Everybody out.

That's bogus.

- Chris, what is this?
- Genital Hospital.

Yes, and it's inappropriate
for someone your age.

Now, if you're curious about sex,
you should talk to your sex ed teacher.

We don't have one. The principal
cut sex ed class to save money.

What? Well, that's crazy.

Without sex ed, kids can wind up
sexually confused.

Just look at Michael Jackson.

The kid in me likes the frosted side...

but the grown-up in me
likes the kid in me.

Peter, do you know they're not teaching
sex ed at Chris' school?

Eh, let them figure it out the way
I had to.

With a can of Crisco and a shot glass.
That's the natural way, Lois.

That's the natural way.

Well, somebody's got to step in.

Tomorrow, I'm going down to
James Woods High

and offer to teach the class myself.

Hey, you could really make a difference.

Like I did when I taught money
management to those drug addicts.

There's a lot of ways for you guys
to save money.

For example, you're all shooting up,
why not share needles?

That's a no-brainer. More money in
your wallet, more drugs in your veins.

My second piece of advice :
have as many kids as you can,

'cause that makes it more likely
that one of those kids'll grow up

and make it big in Hollywood.

Then who's paying the bills, eh?

Hollywood kid.

Class dismissed.

Good morning, everyone.

I'm Mrs. Griffin,
your new sex ed teacher.

Now, you've probably heard all those rumors

that condoms make sex less pleasurable.

While that is a fact,
they also make sex safer.

Sorry I'm late, Lois.

Peter, what are you doing here?

Lois, you think I'm going
to miss a chance to share

my knowledge with these
fresh young minds?

Forget it, I've missed too many
other opportunities.

- There he is.
- Took you long enough.

- Just what we need.
- Hey, guys, I'm coming in.

- Oh, God.
- Oh, God.

Oh, boy.
I am not going to hear the end of this.

- You jackass.
- Now you've done it.

Idiot.

I know I don't fit here,
but I'm just going to settle right in.

All right, Peter, you can stay,
but remember, this is my class.

Now, there are a number of natural ways
that males and females interact.

That's right, allow me to demonstrate.

Hey, Rainbow Brite.
Hello, Shakespeare.

I am all done writing plays for the day,

perhaps we could have sexual intercourse?

Count me in.

I say, look at this.
This toy has small parts.

Why the devil would they include
small parts?

Unless...

I'm supposed to eat them.
Of course, it all adds up!

Oh, dear God, I've lost a tooth.

Dude, you're lucky.

If you put that under your pillow,

the Tooth Fairy will come
and give you a dollar.

What?
Did you say the Tooth Fairy comes here?

To our house?
She just breaks in like some hood?

Yeah, she creeps into your house at night
and comes into your room while you sleep.

Oh, my God!

And sometimes, just for the hell of it,

she cuts off a piece of her armpit hair

and places it gently on your tongue.

Oh, oh, God! Oh, God, I got to get
out of here! I got to get out of here!

Stewie, calm down.
Get a hold of yourself.

Here, Brian, let me handle this.

Calm down.
Everything's going to be all right.

Chris, you're wanted on the phone.

Everything's going to be all right.

Hey, Lois, I wanted to get some K-Y Jelly

for the class today, but they were
all out so I got Smucker's.

Peter, I don't know
what you think you're doing,

but you ruined my sex ed class. There's
no way you're coming with me again.

Fine,

but without my advice, those kids are
going to be as hopeless as Liam Neeson

when he tries to play an
American cowboy.

But, Montana, when will you be back?

That's none of your concern.
You got to take care of the offspring.

Gonna take a fortnight at least to get
this herd down to St. Louis on Mississippi.

This glen's gonna be tough to traverse,

and that river's got to be 50,
60 meters wide.

And God knows how many fathoms.

To hell with parliamentary procedure.
We've got to wrangle up some cattles.

What is going on here?

We're all protesting the sex ed class
that's being taught to our children.

Mrs. Griffin, I'm sorry to have
to tell you this,

but the school board has voted
to cancel your sex ed class.

Look, Principal Shepherd, I know
my husband acted inappropriately...

Oh, it's not because of your husband.

It's because you're teaching those kids
about condoms.

What? That's ridiculous.

These students have the
right to information about safe sex.

Well, these parents don't think so.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Griffin. You're fired.

Fired?! Oh, no.

I can't believe they fired you.

Can't you go down the school
and try to reason with them?

No, I'm banned from school property.

The PTA doesn't want me around
their children.

Well, Lois, I think you did
the right thing

by trying to inform these kids
about safe sex.

And if the parents don't like it,
that's their loss.

That's the problem, though.
It isn't their loss, it's the kids' loss.

I just hope they're getting
the information they need.

All right, students,
we have a special speaker today

who's going to educate you about sex.

Please welcome from the
First Evangelical Church,

the Reverend Jerry Kirkwood
and the Opal Ring Crusade.

Hey, kids, put your Walkmans down
and listen up.

'Cause we're going to talk about sex.

Sex? Hang on there, Jerry.

God, what are you doing here?

I was just passing through on my way
to see The Matrix.

- We can relate to that.
- No fake.

Well, God, I am here to talk to
these kids about sex.

Uh-oh.

And why they shouldn't be having it.

That is boss.

Hey, you kids like Mad TV?

Well, we've got something almost as good.

Here they are... The Opal Ring Players.

Boy, I sure had fun
at the pizza parlor tonight, Debbie.

Yeah, Matthew,
that pizza pie was delicious.

Hey, watch out, crazy driver.

That joker must have been
from Jefferson High.

They're our rivals.

Well, here we are at the make-out point.

Yeah. You want to go all the way?

Freeze! Now, who can tell me
what Matthew just did wrong?

I mean, besides not running over
that yahoo from Jefferson High.

They're our rivals.

He's wrong 'cause he wants to have sex
and he's not married.

- Bingo.
- Wow, you're pretty smart.

- Thanks. My name's Doug.
- I'm Meg.

Now, look, let's rap for a second.

He's sitting informally like us.
Let's hear what he has to say.

Jefferson High is our rival.

Sure, sex if fun, but you can't have it
before you're married,

even if you use a condom.

Because not only to condoms fail
100% of the time,

they're also majorly unsafe.

Hey, you wouldn't put a plastic bag
over your grandmother's head, would you?

No.

And that's why we're gonna be
handing out these opal rings.

These rings are a symbol of
your commitment

to refrain from sex until you're married.

So what do you say?
Who wants to be joyful?

Who wants to be pure?
Who wants to be... abstinent?

- Wow, he makes so much sense.
- I know, he's a visionary,

like Gandhi or Mozart or Picasso.

Ladies and gentlemen, my newest work.

Now, I know this person looks
a little mixed up,

but, watch carefully.
If I move this down here,

and this over here,

and this part here...

Anyone tell who it is yet?
No?

Okay, well, what if I move this here
and this here...

Then it's Dianne Wiest.

All right, men, your mission tonight
is to stave off

the invading forces of the Tooth Fairy.

SpongeBob, you watch the East.

StarScream, you take the West.

And Man-E-Faces, you take center patrol
since you have many faces.

Hey, hey, hey, it's okay.
It's morning.

Is it?

Ha! I knew it! I scared her off.

Uh, you might want to check
under your pillow.

How did she get in?

She must have been quieter than
Britney Spears' dietician.

Ea-Easy on those trans fats.

N-Not everything needs gravy.

You know, there's some carrots
down at the other end.

That-that cheesecake was for everyone.

Her hand was right beneath my pillow.

She could have snapped my neck
if she had a mind to.

Don't worry about it. I'm sure it will be
a while before you lose another tooth.

I can't wait for that.

I have to lure her back on my terms
and kill her myself!

But to catch a fairy,
I have to think like a fairy.

If you want Brian to say :
"Well, that'll be a stretch,"

text-message FAMGUY1.

If you want Brian to say :
"I'm not touching that one,"

text FAMGUY2.

If you want Brian to say :
"Arriba!" and dance around a sombrero,

text FAMGUY3.

Enter now.

Thanks for voting.

Arriba!

We now return to Laguna Beach.

- Like, right?
- I know.

- Whatever, because "duh!"
- I know, right?

Whatever, because I mean,
like, totally full out.

- Full on.
- Right?

I guess it's not easy growing up
anywhere.

Hey, Dad, check out my abstinence ring.
It means I made a pledge not to have sex.

That's crazy! You can't give up sex.
You've got a responsibility.

You see, Meg, you're what they call
a "practice girl."

Dad, look at the facts about sex.

"If you have sex, your penis will fall
off and land in another dimension"

"populated entirely by dogs
who will eat it."

Well, that's something I'd like to avoid.
Well, this changes everything.

From now on, I, too, will be obstinate.

- Abstinent.
- Absinthe.

- Abstinent.
- You're grounded.

All right, getting a tooth to lure

that damn fairy back shouldn't be
too difficult.

I'd love to dance, Fred Savage.

Gosh, Meg, I really wish we could take
our relationship to the next level.

I know, I feel the same way,
but we made a decision to be abstinent.

Of course, there are ways
we could keep our pledge

and still do other things.

You're right.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Uh-huh.

Oh, there it is. I see it.

You know, Roy, I hope you play
squash better than you pass.

Well, we'll find out this Saturday.

All right, Peter,
you ready for role-playing night?

Here comes, Grimace.
You got some burgers I can steal, huh?

Lois, the Hamburglar steals hamburgers.

Grimace is
Ronald McDonald's autistic friend.

Oh, come on, you love the
dirty-talking Grimace.

You... Peter, what the hell is this?

- My chastity belt.
- A chastity belt?

- What in God's name is that for?
- I'm abstinent, Lois.

It's all in these pamphlets
Meg brought home from school.

Sex turns straight people gay
and turn gays into Mexicans.

Everyone goes down a notch.

This is nonsense.
You can't force abstinence on kids.

Lois, what possible harm
can abstinence do?

Meg Griffin, we need to have a talk.

Mom!

Oh, my God!

You kids were doing it...

in the ear!

Hey, my sandwich tastes funny. Is there
something wrong with the Smucker's?

Yeah, it's been on my crotch.

Meg, I still cannot believe
what you and Doug did last night.

Mom, you don't understand.
Doug and I are abstinent,

but if we have sex in the ear,
it doesn't count.

We're still pure in the eyes of the Lord.

Meg, when I was your age,
my parents tried to feed me

the same nonsense about premarital sex.
You're lying to yourself.

Well, I don't care what you think!

Doug and I are part of the
Opal Ring Crusade,

and this is how we choose
to express our love.

Look, Meg,
A) ear sex is just unnatural,

and B)...
How do I say this?

Vaginal intercourse is...

it's just tops.

It's the bee's knees, Meg.

Oh, when you rattle it around
just right...

oh, my God!

I mean, you remember when we had
that old car with the bad shocks

and I used to take the old dirt road
on purpose?

Meg... Meg?

I love you.

In local news, a sexy new trend
has emerged at James Woods High.

That's right, Tom. It appears that
students have taken to having ear sex

in lieu of traditional intercourse.

Over 200 reports of ear sex
have been confirmed so far,

prompting a new slogan :
"Once you go black,"

"you go deaf."

Brian, I'll be right back.
I'm going to use the little girl's room.

All right, baby.

An entire week and still no teeth.

And it turns out these teeth I got
from the old man are phony.

Brian, Brian, look, I'm Gary Busey.

I'm frequently aggressive
in situations that don't call for it.

- What the hell is that?
- Ah, it's Jillian. She's, uh...

she has this eating disorder.
She's bulimic.

- My God, that's horrible!
- I know, it really is.

I mean, her hair is falling out.
Last week she lost a tooth.

Really?

But man, I'll tell ya, all that purging
just makes her body look fantastic.

I mean, that's what the supermodels do.

And so many of them just look so great.

Karen Carpenter over did it,

but I think Jillian's found
a good balance.

I'm really surprised
you invited me out for dinner, Stevie.

Oh, well, you know, I just wanted
to touch base, see how everything's...

It's "Stewie," by the way.

Just to check in, make sure everything's
going well with you and Brian.

It's going kickass!

Well, you look fantastic.

Got some meat on your bones,
which is great.

- What?
- Just saying you look jolly,

like Ruben Studdard
or John Goodman or Santa.

Oh, my God. Are you saying I'm fat?

No, I'm saying Santa's thin.
Get in there and throw up!

Excellent. Now I'm prepared
to fight the Tooth Fairy

just like Gerri fought comedy
on The Facts of Life.

Hey, Blair, did you find
a purse at the mall?

Actually, I found seven.

One for every day of the week.

I'm wide awake, Peter.

- You want to mess around?
- Lois, you know I'm abstinent.

Come on. Can't you break
your stupid pledge for one night?

Well, I guess we do both have needs.

Peter.

Wh-What are you doing? What?
Peter, what are you doing to my ear?!

Get off of me!

What the hell is wrong with you?!

This is all I can do, Lois.
I'm abstinent.

That is it.

I am going to have regular sex with you
whether you like it or not.

No!

I wasn't asking your permission.

No, no, no! I'm abstinent!

This is an affront to the Lord!

No!

No!

No!

Oh, I see what you're driving at.

Oh, that was fantastic.

Hey, when'd you get that tattoo
on your lower back?

I don't know, Peter.
Meth is a hell of a drug.

What?

I'm just glad to have you back
on my side.

I only wish I could convince Meg
and her classmates, too.

We'll show 'em somehow, Lois.

I'll be more convincing than Mel Gibson
when he apologized to the Jews.

I'm really, really sorry about
your big noses.

I'm really sorry about how
greedy you are.

But most of all, I'm really sorry
about your dirty,

underhanded, backstabbing ways.

Your number-one dirty Jew fan,
Mel Gibson.

All right, Tooth Whore, do your worst.

Stewie, what the hell?
Get me down from here.

No, way, man! How do I know
you're not the Tooth Fairy in disguise?

- Your middle name is Gilligan.
- Not good enough!

- You think my girlfriend's a moron.
- So does everyone!

You have a picture of Chris Noth
in your wallet.

Okay.

Stewie, this is ridiculous.
There's something I have to tell you.

The Tooth Fairy isn't real.

What?!

Look, I didn't want to burst your
bubble since you're just a kid, but,

yeah, she's all smoke and mirrors

just like Harry Houdini.

But I don't want to play bridge
with the Petersons tonight.

Harry, we agreed weeks ago,
and we're going.

All right, fine, let me get my coat.

Oh, wait a second!

Damn it! I am not going by myself!

Ah, you bitch.

Oh, very well then.

I suppose that bile-spewing skirt
of yours can have her tooth back.

What? It's gone!

Whoa, I wonder what happened to it?

Peter, how are we going to get
past the guard?

Lois, I think I just got an idea.

You see that guy with the overcoat?

He's tall enough for us to
sneakin behind him. Come on!

So remember, sex is bad, immoral,
and wrong.

And if you have sex,
you're automatically in Al Qaeda.

Kids, do not listen to this man.

He is wrong, he is feeding you lies.

Now, look, it's true. You shouldn't
have sex until you're ready.

You should wait until you're in love.

But I mean, hey, we're all human, huh?

We have urges,
and they are perfectly natural.

And if you do make the choice
to act on them,

make sure you protect yourselves,

use a condom.

- I'm going to use condoms.
- Me, too!

Maybe I'll use two condoms
at the same time.

- Why would you do that?
- Oh, I mean, just one, just one.

Doug, my mom's right.

If we really care about each other,
it's okay to have sex.

We'll be safe. We'll use a condom,

and it'll be wonderful.

Wow! Does this mean I'll see you naked?

- Yeah.
- Oh, boy, I can't wait.

- I'm sorry Doug dumped you, honey.
- It's all your fault!

- I'm proud of you, sweetheart.
- Me, too, Lois.

You stood up for what you believe in.

I just wish I could have been there
to hear the speech you made.

You think you could give me
a little taste?

If you want to hear Lois' speech,
text-message FAMGUY1.

If you want to hear Meg
talk about her day, text FAMGUY2.

If you want to give Cleveland his
first line of the episode, text FAMGUY3.

Enter now.

Thanks for voting.

Hey, y'all, sock it to me!