Family Guy (1998–…): Season 5, Episode 5 - Whistle While Your Wife Works - full transcript

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

All the things that make us

- Damn it!
- Peter, are you all right?

No. No, I think you should call somebody.

- Ma'am, are you all right?
- I can't breathe.

Oh, God! I think she punctured a lung.



Oh, damn it, look at my foot.
It's already starting to swell up.

Yeah, I'm looking forward to this week.
Freaking swelled foot all week.

You know, we should...

You should probably go ahead
and shut that off.

- Well, hey, Quagmire. How was Florida?
- Oh, it was great.

And guess what,
I smuggled a whole bunch of fireworks

back in my anus.

Quagmire, fireworks aren't illegal here.

You could have just put them in your car
and driven them up here.

Oh, yeah, that's just as fun.

All right, Meg, you be David Koresh,
and I'll be a heavy-handed FBI agent. Go!

Hey, you, you're a crazy person,
come out of there, you!

Quagmire, check it out.

I took 10 M-80s
and stuck them all together.



I call it Peter Griffin's bunker-busting,
mega-ultra super...

Holy crap!

Oh, my God! You blew off all your fingers.

What happened? Oh, my God!

You know, no huge hurry,
but I'm sort of out of juice over here.

Bone dry.

- There's one of Dad's fingers.
- We have to hurry.

I learned in biology,
if you get them back soon enough,

they can be reattached.

What's all the commotion?

Hey, there's one of them.

Peter, look out!

Go on, Jesse.
Make your peeps and poops.

That's gonna feel good for Jesse.

Damn it!

Maybe if we make it mad,
it will come down here,

and we can catch it and get the finger.

Hey, bird! Your poop is white and green.

You're the laughingstock
of the poop world.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
I knew that would get you.

Yeah. Yeah.
Come here, you little son of a bitch!

Come here! Stop it! Stop pecking me!

- Thanks, Joe.
- Let's plant a knife on him just to be safe.

- Good thinking.
- Yeah, I know how these things go down.

Hey, there, we were supposed to
have brunch this morning.

- Oh, yeah, sorry, I had a late night.
- Late night, huh?

- What's her name, Brian?
- What are you talking about?

Oh, spare me the theatrics. I see the signs,

the excuses for why we can't hang out,
the inside-out collar.

If I didn't recognize
what was going on here,

I would have to be as dim
as those retirees

I entertain every Thursday.

There is a hole in the bottom of the sea

There is a hole in the bottom of the sea

There's a hole, there's a hole
there's a hole in the bottom of the sea

All right,
we're getting a little faster here now.

And you know what?

I think there is something else down there
in the bottom of the sea.

Something that you will be
able to relate to.

There is a tube in the throat
of the elderly man in the hospital bed

On the frog on the log
in the hole in the bottom of the sea

There is a tube in the throat
of the elderly man in the hospital bed

On the frog on the log
in the hole in the bottom of the sea

There's a hole, there's a hole
there's a hole in the bottom of the sea

Oh, what is this?

There's a birthday cake for Mr. Cohen

On the frog on the log
in the hole in the bottom of the sea

There's a birthday cake for Mr. Cohen
in the hole in the bottom of the sea

Get a nurse.

There's a hole, there's a hole
there's a hole in the bottom of the sea

Look, Brian, I think it's wonderful

you found a young lady
willing to stoop to your level.

When do I get to meet her?

No, no. No way.

Oh, I see, I get it, she's hideous.

- She's not hideous.
- Oh! Well, let me ask you something.

- Does she have an alibi?
- For what? Why would she need an alibi?

So, you're saying
she does not have an alibi.

Well, no.

Okay, so, we've established
she ain't got no alibi.

She ugly
She ugly

U- G-L-Y
she ain't got no alibi, she ugly

Screw off.

'"M'" she's major ugly

'"O'" she is fat and pugly
Oh, my God, now the cow says moo

- Here's to Peter getting his fingers back.
- Thanks, Joe.

Oh, boy, I tell you I haven't felt this good

since I came up with that new place
to hide my porn.

Have a good day, sweetie.

- Hey, Greg.
- Afternoon, Mr. Griffin.

- Mrs. Griffin out today?
- Shopping.

She's hot.

All right, last call, fellows.
It's closing time.

Oh, crap! I'm not even half-buzzed.

Hey, what do you guys say
we take this party on the road?

Fine by me.

Skinemax doesn't kick in
with the really dirty stuff

till about 3:00 anyway.

They had one on last night

where the girl had a butt-face,
but her breasts was immaculate.

Peter, you sure it's okay
to be at the brewery after hours?

Relax, Joe, this is where I work.

Besides, it sure beats
the hell out of last Saturday

when we partied with
that big-horned guy from Legend.

You guys wanna go to IHOP,
get some breakfast or something?

God, I don't know, big-horned guy,
it's like 3:00 a. m.

Oh, that sucks, man! I'm wide awake.
Hey, Quagmire, you want...

Oh, my God! I'm sorry! I'm sorry, man!

- Are you okay?
- No!

I didn't see him.

Okay. Okay, guys, here's one.

If you were God,
who would you strike down first?

Debra Messing. I find her insufferable.

French Stewart.

What are you squinting about?
It's not even that bright.

Yeah, he is terrible.

What we need out there now
is another Tim Daly.

- Who's Tim Daly?
- I don't even know who that is.

- From Wings.
- Nope.

Tim Daly, he was on Wings.
What, nobody here watched Wings?

Is that the one where there is a guy
and he's like... He's a pilot or something?

No, it's two guys, they are brothers,
and they are both pilots.

Hey, wasn't there a fat guy
with a mustache?

That was Roy, he's hilarious.

Was this a cartoon?

No... Oh, my God! No! No!
It took place in an airport!

The thing was on for 10 years!

And the funny repair guy was Lowell.
It made Tony Shalhoub's career!

- Who?
- The tennis player?

You know what, screw you guys.
I don't even know you.

Crazy people, living under a rock,
don't know Wings.

I love Wings.

All right,
I want to be very clear about this.

You can meet her,
chat for a minute, and that's it. In and out.

Don't worry, Brian,
if she is as ugly as I think she is,

I'll look at her once, and then I'll go...

All over the place.

Then you'll wipe it up, and then we will go.

Hi, Brian. Oh, my God!
Who is your cute little friend?

Oh, my! Hello. Stewie. Charmed.

I'm Jillian, come on in. Who wants a drink?

So, are you gonna take back
what you said?

- Brian, she's stunning.
- Okay, you met her. You can scram now.

I shall do no such thing.

Now, why in the world would you
be embarrassed about dating her?

Oh, my God, Brian.

I was watching something on TV
about this guy named Hitler.

Somebody should stop him.

- Is she retarded?
- Can you please leave now?

Oh, now I get it, she's a moron.

But a moron with large breasts

you can use as mountains
for your Matchbox cars

or whatever it is
grown-ups do with large breasts.

Shut up, that's not it at all.

Say, Jillian, I love what you have done
with the place.

What is it? One bedroom, one bath?

- No, it's a whole apartment.
- Oh, God, outstanding!

So, Stewie, do you work with Brian
at the detective agency?

Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.
At the detective agency.

That's got to be a tough job.

I know Brian's work has him coming
and going at all hours of the night.

- I bet it does. I bet it does.
- Okay, well, Stewie has to go now.

What are you talking about?

I want some more
of Jillian's delicious lemonade.

I know. It's good, right?

I just wish they didn't have to kill
so many lemons to make it.

Oh, this is fun, huh?

So, wait, Dupree moves in
with Kate Hudson and Matt Dillon?

But they're newlyweds, right?

Well, that's no time to have a house guest.
Got to go.

Sorry, Angela,

every Tuesday morning
I call my friend Cleveland,

and he describes every scene
from You, Me and Dupree.

Griffin, your work output this week
is even worse than usual.

Where the hell are those purchase orders?

Yeah, it's this bum hand.
I can't type with it.

Well, that's not my problem.

I need to see some improvement
by the end of the week,

- or you're finished.
- Don't worry, I'll figure something out.

Oh, that's going to be Quagmire
with Along Came Polly.

I got to take that.

All right, so as you know,
by this point in the story,

Ben Stiller doesn't like spicy food.

- Well, guess what's for dinner!
- No way.

Boy, Lois, thanks so much for coming in
and helping me get my work done.

Without you,
Angela would have been all over my case.

Oh, it's all right, Peter,

I know it's tough for you to work
with your hand injury.

Hey, you know, with you sitting there,
it's kind of like you're my secretary.

Well, let's not get carried away, Peter.
Now please, I'm trying to finish your work.

You know, Lois, if I'm your boss,
I got to look like a boss.

Finally, I have a reason to wear
this big bow tie and cigar I bought

at the Dress For Success store.

- Peter, if you want this work to get done...
- Lois, take a letter.

Dear Life Cereal,

where do you get off?

"Part of a balanced breakfast
and delicious"?

Who do you think you are?

By now, you may have guessed
I'm speaking ironically

and have nothing but good things
to say about what you do.

Life Cereal, do not change a thing.

Signed, Peter Griffin,
dictated but not read.

Lois, read that back to me.

Oh, hey, Brian, back from a hot booty call
with your idiot girlfriend.

You know, think what you want,

but you don't see the side of Jillian
that I do.

Face it, Brian, she is dumber
than a Boston-area book report.

The novel I chose to address is
Oliver Twist by Charles Dickens.

Queer name, right?
The book was actually not bad.

For your information, Jillian is very bright,

and she happens to be
a very talented photographer.

Oh, that is so lame.

Every hot girl who can aim a camera
thinks she is a photographer.

You took a black and white picture
of a lawn chair and its shadow

and developed it at Savon,
you must be so brooding and deep.

Knock it off.

No, I want to know, Brian,
what specifically do you talk about?

A lot of things. Food,

the new seat covers she just got
for her Jetta.

- Real World/Road Rules Challenge.
- You hate MTV.

Pot helps.

Look, you know, I don't have to justify
anything to you, all right?

All that matters,
is Jillian and I have a great time together,

we make each other laugh.

Fine, but just tell me this, Brian,

does she laugh on her own
or does she laugh only when you laugh?

I thought so.

Hey, yeah.

You got to hit DVD and then menu
and then select.

Yeah. Yeah, the DVD needs to be face up
when you put it in.

You should be able to see
the words Mr. 3000... Yeah.

Still nothing? Is it plugged in?
Okay, so plug it in.

Okay, you got it? Okay, all right.
No problem, all right.

All right. Love you, too, Jilly bean. Okay.

- What?
- Nothing, I didn't say anything.

I need a drink.

Hey, Jilly bean.
Hey, it's Brian again.

So, yeah.
So I figured we could get together tonight

and maybe do all those things sexually
that we usually do.

What were those again?

No way, gross. I mean... No.
Yeah, I totally love how that feels.

Hi.

You know, I've been noticing you
around the steno pool.

You look good enough for a promotion.

- Peter, cut it out.
- Hey, that's no way to talk to your boss.

- Is that Pert?
- You know it is.

Smell my Speed Stick.

- Peter, what the hell are you doing?
- Lois, I'm going to come right out with it.

I think it would be so hot for you and me
to have sex in my office.

Oh, my God!
There is no way that is going to happen.

You know, it's no wonder
you are so far behind in your work

if this is the way you behave at the office.

Come on, just touch it. Touch yours.

Peter, no. I have work to do
so you can keep your job.

Oh, look at me, I'm Lois, I'm a worker,
I make stuff on things.

Oh, I'll file these later. Oh, I got a phone.
Nope, that's it.

Jeez, Lois, I thought having you here
was going to be fun,

but so far you are a bigger buzz kill
than Buzz Killington.

Oh, man, this is the best party
I have ever been to.

Evening, everyone.

I thought it would be very droll
if we all sat down and looked at etchings.

- Would you like to join me, Peter?
- Well, we are kind of partying here.

Good, hold this up.

Now, here is a fellow attempting
to ride a bicycle,

but he is having some trouble, isn't he?

- Would you like to know why?
- Why?

Because he is a Scot.

Now, who here likes a good story
about a bridge?

What the hell?
Jillian, what are you doing here?

Oh! Hi, Brian. It was so nice of you
to invite your girlfriend over for dinner.

I invited her for dinner?

Yes, you did.
You wanted her to meet the family.

Now, come here, Brian.
Come sit by your friend Stewie.

And then think about this,

have you ever seen the sun and the moon
in the same place at the same time?

- They're the same person.
- I know, right?

- You're brilliant.
- Hey, Oogy!

So tell us, Oogy,
where did you find this one, huh?

You two meet at a Mensa meeting?

No, at a Quiznos.

We both ordered
the Turkey Ranch and Swiss, no onions.

Can you believe that?

No. Wow! What are the odds?

Well, hey, what are the odds
of finding true love anywhere in the world,

says this observer.

Hey, you want to know something cool?

I threw up a lot in high school,
so I don't get my period anymore.

Wow, this is the one you have
been waiting for, huh, Brian?

Are you serious? Are you serious, Brian?

You know what, Lois, don't judge,

because you don't know what two people
are like when they are alone.

Come on, let's go out dancing.

I don't know. I'm feeling kind of
cozy tonight, kind of mellow.

I just really want to go dance.

There it is again, what is that?

So, Jillian, what are your views
regarding Homeland Security?

Do you think we should support
what the President is doing?

Well, I just think, for starters,

that sometimes the government
has things they can't tell us.

And truthishly, we should just accept that.

Okay, good night, everyone.

Oh, say, Jillian, before you go,

I forget, do you know what the capital
of this state is?

Rhode Island City?

It's like she's fucking five.

Thanks for hanging out
with my friends, Brian.

Hey, come on,
we're a legitimate couple, right?

So, then the valet pulls up,
and I'm all, "That is so not my car,"

but then it totally was.

- That's happened to me.
- Me, too.

Cars go fast.

Oh, God, yeah,

I'll tell you, if I had a nickel for every time
that happened.

- Yeah?
- What?

What if you had a nickel for every time
that happened?

- No, nothing, it's just an expression.
- A what?

Well, I was just saying,
I do my share of dopey stuff, like...

Oh, this...

This one time I attended
a speaker's colloquium

on federal judgeships,

and without realizing it, I kept calling
William Rehnquist "William Rinequist. "

God! I mean...

Anyone else have to go to
the little girl's room?

I have new gloss.

- I love gloss.
- Gloss rhymes with hair.

Dude, that was painful.
- What are you doing here?

Did you follow us?

Brian, why can't you just admit
what's going on here?

Okay, okay, fine, fine.
I'm gonna have to break it off.

But, boy, it's going to be tougher
than the reviews for Our American Cousin.

"Lincoln assassinated...
Tragedy for our republic... "

Oh, look, " Ably performed by
the entire ensemble. "

- That's us.
- That's all of us.

Morning, Lois, I need you
to proofread this and collate it for me.

Peter, did you Xerox your penis?

Three-hundred times. It's a flip book.
Flip through it or you're fired.

Oh, my God! This is disgusting.

Peter, for the last time,
I'm not having sex with you in this office.

Why the hell are you pushing this so hard?

Because, Lois, I already wrote the letter
to Penthouse Forum,

and I don't want to be made a liar
in the nudie magazine of reckon.

All right,

if I give you 30 seconds of making out,
will that shut you up?

Let's see where it goes.

Oh, God! You know this is pretty hot.
Yeah, what did I tell you, huh?

Oh, God, Peter, let's do it.
Let's do it right here, right now.

Lois. Lois, wait. Wait! Opie's right there.

I want him to look, Peter.

Well, that is the last of it.
You are now all caught up with your work.

Lois, I really appreciate
you helping me out this week,

and I really appreciate you having sex
with me in my office.

Well, that was my pleasure, too, Peter.

Hey, I knew I would get you,
just like Danny DeVito got Rhea Perlman.

- I don't know, Danny.
- Look, it's either me or nobody.

Sold.

All right, Brian, you can do this.
You can dump her.

Because once it's done,

never again will you have to listen
to her talk like this?

You know, where everything has
a question mark at the end of it?

With an upward inflection
at the end of every sentence?

Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking?
Oh, damn it. Now I'm doing it, too.

Oh, hey, Oogy! Oh, you look tense.

Well, Jillian, there is something
we need to talk about.

What is it?

I just wanted to spend some time
with you.

What the hell? It took you three hours
to break up with her?

- Not exactly.
- Well, what were you doing in there?

What's that smell?
Smells like sweat and anger and shame.

Yup.

Life is confusing when you grow up,
isn't it, Brian?

- It is.
- Can we play my mix tape?

Yeah, go ahead.

Brian had sex with a really dumb girl

Now he's taking his friend Stewie
to get some ice cream

In his car...

Oh, you're a poor sport.