Family Guy (1998–…): Season 5, Episode 4 - Saving Private Brian - full transcript

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's a family guy

All right, kids, assembly is starting.
Now, please take your seats

for the following presentation
by the US Army.



- What's up, y'all? I'm Sergeant Extreme!
- And I'm Major Awesome!

We're here to tell you
how much the army kicks ass!

Check this out!

The army sounds awesome!
And the recruiter said, with any luck,

I could get the clap
from a 12-year-old Chinese prostitute.

Wow, that's great. You'll be serving
your country,

just like American film legend
Mickey Rooney.

Hi. I'm former biggest star in the world
Mickey Rooney.

And as you may know,
I am totally and completely insane.

I like to yell at mice with my shirt off.

Sometimes,
I like to steal other people's scabs.

How do I stay so crazy?
Mickey Rooney's Crazy Pills!

Take one with breakfast, one with lunch,
and before you know it,

you'll be up on your roof,
pooping in the chimney.



Hold out your stockings, kids!

Chris, you can't join the army.
You're too young.

Besides, the army is weak.

Now, the marines,
those are the men you want to fuck.

Are you kidding, Lois? The army's great!
You get to save money for college,

there's free food,
and all the brown people you can rape.

I am sorry, but he is not joining the army.
Case closed.

I can't believe
they're brainwashing kids like Chris

to serve in the military.

Ah, yes, the bottom 10%

of our high-school class
is off to fight another battle.

- You stole that from The Onion.
- What?

You stole that. I read that in The Onion.
About the war in Iraq.

Well, if that's true, then I'd say
they've got some sharp cookies over at...

What is it again? The Onion?

So if I go up to your room right now,

I'm not gonna find
a copy of The Onion, right?

No.

- Damn it!
- That's what I thought.

Coming this fall,
if you loved Everybody Loves Raymond,

then you'll love his brother Robert
even more, in Robert.

I bet you Debra really gave it to Ray today.

I bet you she made a sandwich that wasn't
very good, but he ate it anyway.

And then she got mad at him
'cause he gave her a funny look.

I miss Ray.

I can't believe Chris would just buy into
that army recruiter's sales pitch.

- We can't let him enlist.
- Don't worry, Lois.

All he needs is an after-school activity
to get his mind off the army.

Just something to distract him.

You know,
like all of America gets distracted

whenever a cute white girl dies.

We regret to report that not all the
children on board the school bus survived.

We have identified the body of one victim,
nine-year-old Becky Gunderson.

- No, wait, that's, Becky Gutierrez.
- That's not news.

- Brian, did you see Revenge of the Sith?
- Yeah, I saw part of it.

Why does Emperor Palpatine have a desk?

You know that scene
where Yoda comes in

and they are about to have that big fight?

Emperor Palpatine
clearly gets up from his desk.

I mean, I'm just saying,
what does he need a desk for?

Who the hell cares?

I'm just saying, it's weird.
I mean, what was he doing at his desk?

Like, right before Yoda walked in.

What was he doing?
Was he doing paperwork?

Was he, like,
"Oh, Yoda. What do you need,

"and will it take longer than five minutes?
I'm absolutely swamped.

"These requisition forms
for new TIE fighters

"have to be down to Debbie
in accounting by 6:00,

"or Nute Gunray is gonna pitch a tent
in my waiting room. "

Brian, what are you doing?

Gymboree is that way.
Brian, it's parachute day!

I just want to swing by
the army recruiting center

and give a piece of my mind
to that jerk who tried to brainwash Chris.

We are gonna be so late.
I'm not gonna have a partner.

I'm gonna have to be partners
with the teacher.

It's just wrong for the military
to mess with kids' minds.

They're all gonna wind up in therapy,
like Peter was.

Every time my daughter opens her mouth,

I just want to punch her in the face.
She's really annoying.

- All right, let's explore that.
- What the hell's wrong with you?

Your skin's, like,
moving around or something.

I believe I'm having some sort of seizure.

What kind of after-school activity
should I do, Dad?

Well, Chris,
there's a lot of fun activities out there.

For example,
I used to be a horse whisperer.

Maybe if she spent some time
on the treadmill, and I was drunk.

I wouldn't, either.

I don't think any of this stuff
is right for me, Dad.

Let's just face it. I suck!

Wait, wait. Hang on.
Are those the right words?

"I wanna rock and roll all night

"and party the first Thursday
of every month"?

Yeah, shouldn't it be "party every day"?

Well, I think the question is,
if we are rocking and rolling all night,

are we gonna wanna party every day?

Yeah, that's true.

How about, " I wanna rock and roll
all night, party some days,

"and on the other days maybe
just hang out and watch a movie"?

Sounds like you guys
could use some fresh blood.

This is my son, Chris.
You should hear his voice.

It's absolutely gorgeous.

Like Laura Dern,
if she didn't look like a banana.

- He can sing?
- Yeah, runs in the family. See, look.

I am Peter Griffin

I like fancy food

I like reading comic books
and dressing like a dude

Yeah, rock and roll!

Did you hear that?

Guys, I think we just found
our new lead singer.

Awesome! I'm gonna be
a famous music star, like Muddy Waters!

Muddy? Baby?
Everything all right in there?

Oh, I think I'm about to pass
a kidney stone.

Boy, I can't wait to lay into that recruiter.

Yes, you'll be about as effective as
the Wizard of Oz was at granting wishes.

And, Dorothy, you wanted herpes,

but little did you know,
you've had herpes all along.

I didn't want herpes!

Oh.

Well, you've got it.

Yes, I'd like to see the army recruiter.

Oh, you'll have to have a seat.
There's a 25-minute wait.

Twenty-five minutes? Oh, God.

All right, I better go put more money
in the meter.

Peggy, would you send in the next...
Oh, you're already here.

Say, aren't you a little young
to join the army?

No, I have that Webster disease.

- Hey, is that the M9 double-action pistol?
- Sure is. Standard issue in the army.

- Where do I sign?
- Right here.

Did I mention there's a $100 bonus
if you sign up a buddy?

Really? Well, I think I have a surprise
for somebody.

There you are.

Congratulations. You are both in the army.

- We're both... What? That's ridiculous.
- I'll tell you what's ridiculous. The Kaiser.

Somebody should put him on a roll.

Over, we're coming over

And we won't come back
till it's over, over there

Commercial! Damn!
Play me some filler, Johnnie.

Okay, they're dead, all right?
We're not gonna be seeing them again.

My God,
you are the sorriest bunch of rejects

I ever seen,
and I've seen The Bangles in concert.

- You! Where are you from, boy?
- Quahog.

They only got two things in Quahog.
Steers and queers!

I don't see no horns on you.
What does that make you, boy?

- Queer?
- Right!

- Oh, I got it?
- Yeah.

You find something funny, Private Dancer?
Dancer for money, any old music will do.

Well, actually, yeah. Your last
little back-and-forth there with Stewie,

that whole queer thing,
that was actually pretty funny.

Oh, God!

That's gotta hurt worse than getting
a birthday telegram from Zin?dine Zidane.

Yes?

Yo, yo! What's up, James Woods High?

I'm Chris and this is our band, Splash Log,
and we're gonna rock this place until...

Until about 9:30,
'cause that's when the dance is over.

Evil monkey holds the key

Evil monkey's gonna get me

I'm hiding underneath my sheets
for fear he'll point and show his teeth

Evil, evil monkey

Evil, evil monkey

Evil, evil monkey

Mayor West?

Quiet, young man.
Can't you see we're having a poker game?

Now, I'll ask again.

If I order a pizza,
will anyone else have some?

I might have a slice.

Well, you know, I'm gonna need
more of a commitment than that, Mark.

- West Side Story, Anything Goes
- West Side Story, Anything Goes

- Two of my favorite Broadway shows
- Two of my favorite Broadway shows

- Miss Saigon and Cabaret
- Miss Saigon and Cabaret

- Overrated, I should say
- Overrated, I should say

One, two, three, four.

Mambo!

Griffin! You got four legs there!
You better start using them!

I'm trying, sir.

You got five seconds
to get to the head of the pack,

or this entire platoon is gonna
scrub the latrines with their toothbrushes.

- Oh, come on, Brian!
- Don't screw us, Griffin!

Yeah, come on, don't screw us,
Brian Griffin!

Bill, how about thinking up
your jeers for a change, huh?

- Four! Three! Two!
- Oh, come on, Brian, get up!

Time's up! You're pathetic, Griffin!
Pathetic!

Whose half-eaten dead bird
is in this footlocker?

Let's say hypothetically
that it does belong to someone in here.

Would admission of that
allow that person to keep it?

Private Griffin, just for that,
you have to listen to one track

from this Chris Gaines album.

- Don't you think that's a little extreme?
- Two tracks!

It's so stupid.
It's just Garth Brooks in a wig.

- Three tracks!
- Come on!

- We can go all day with this!
- Yeah, but...

That's it! Every single track,
plus the hidden bonus track!

There's a hidden bonus track?
Oh, I hope it's a ballad.

Should I follow the knight
into the dungeon,

or should I go back the way I came?

I'll follow the knight. Page 37, page 37.

I mean, go back the way I came.
I didn't take my hand off the page.

You seen it, Lois, right?
You seen my hand on the page.

Yeah, Peter, I seen it.

Oh, no, not again.

You know,
I'm glad Chris found an activity he likes,

but why do they have to use our garage?

Come on, Lois,
sometimes kids can be a handful.

Look at Gregory Peck's kids.

- Are we there yet?
- It's crowded back here.

- Stop touching me.
- Your leg is rubbing up against mine.

- Hey! Quiet down or I'm pulling over.
- Stop breathing on the window.

You idiot, that's condensation.
It's on the outside.

That's it! I will come back there
and, so help me God,

I will hit you with my ring hand.

What the hell are you doing?

What does it look like I'm doing?
I'm leaving.

You can't leave, man. That's desertion.

They'll come after you,
like Peter went after that hockey coach.

Oh, no clip?

Oh, thought we had a clip. Nope. Okay.
You can't leave, Brian.

- You'll get life in prison.
- I'll take my chances.

Let me ask you this.
When was the last time

you saw something through to the end?

- Well, I...
- Never, that's when! You need this, Brian.

You dropped out of college.
You still haven't finished your novel.

Do you know what you lack? Discipline!

And do you know where you'll get it?
Right here in the army!

Boy, you know what? You're right.

Everything I've ever done,
I've crapped out on halfway through.

Well, not this time.
I am going to finish what I started.

That's the spirit!
You can do anything you put your mind to.

You know, it's really hard
to masturbate with you guys talking.

Not for me!

Evil, evil monkey

Chris, will you knock that off
for two minutes?

- We want to talk to you.
- Take five, guys.

What do you buttheads want?

You've been playing with your friends
long enough.

Now it's time for you to come inside
and do your homework.

- It's time for you to piss off, redhead.
- What?

Hey, hey, Chris,
don't talk to your mother that way.

Oh, way to stand up
for your woman there, fatty.

Chris, what the hell
is going on with you lately?

Ever since you hooked up with this band,

you're like a completely different person,
and I don't like it one bit.

I am expressing myself!
Now, get out of my way!

I'm going to the park to loiter.

- What the hell is his problem?
- I don't know.

He's acting worse than you did when
you tried to cover your farts by coughing.

Okay, welcome to the PTA meeting.

On the subject of school lunches,

I know there's been
some concern about nutrition.

We've had complaints
about the soda machines,

And I have spoken with the school board.

Is there something you'd like to say,
Mr. Griffin?

No.

No. No, I'm good.

All right, men.

This obstacle course
represents the final test of your training.

Almost all of you have completed it
in the allotted time.

But as you know, as a unit,
you either all graduate,

or none of you graduate.

Griffin, it's up to you.

All right, you can do this, Brian.
Come on, pray with me.

Dear Lord, just stay out of our way.
Okay, good luck.

And go!

There's Waldo.

- Fresh pepper?
- Yes, thank you.

- Oh, that's plenty, thanks.
- None for me, thanks.

My boyfriend just dumped me.

There's a lot of fish in the sea.
It's always darkest before the dawn.

If it's not meant to be,
it's not meant to be.

Thanks!

You did it, Brian! You did it!

Oh, I say,
this is an even bigger accomplishment

than getting Minnie Driver's
head to fit onscreen.

Okay, back up.

- Further. Move back some more.
What?

- Back up some more.
- I'm as far away as I can get.

Okay, have her enter. Action!

Damn it. Cut!

Congratulations, men.
You've all passed basic training.

I'm proud to call you soldiers.

I'm sure you'll do your country proud
tomorrow morning,

when you're all shipped off to Iraq.

- What?
- Oh, don't worry.

I'm sure he means Fraggle Iraq.

This isn't so bad.

Yes, the people are friendly.

I say the media has totally blown
this whole thing out of proportion.

Okay, I go in store. I throw backpack.
Big boom.

No, no, no. You are big boom. Big hero.

Okay, right. So I throw backpack,

come back and have big hero party
with many virgins.

- No, no, no, no, no. You boom!
- Okay, okay. I put on backpack, boom.

Then I come back, be hero, virgins.

Okay, yeah,
see you in a few minutes, big hero.

Unit 17, this is base.
Please report.

- 10-four, everything is Charlie 4060.
- What does that mean?

I don't know. I just thought you're
supposed to say names and numbers.

Nobody's corrected me so far.

What the hell was that?

Help, help! I mean Charlie, Tango, Cash,

47 Victor Charlie,
Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman!

Roger that.
We're moving to your position.

Chris, your father and I are very upset
by this new attitude of yours.

- I don't care what you think of me!
- Oh, God. I envy that.

I am so self-conscious
about what people think of me.

I am out of here.

You know, I think I may have an idea
what's causing his behavior, Peter.

Look at all this stuff.

Listen to these lyrics.
"I rip it hardcore like porno-flick bitches.

"I roll with groups of ghetto bastards
with biscuits. "

Oh, look, they got a translation
for white people.

"I give 110%
when it comes to helping my community,

"even though I occasionally associate

"with some
less-than-reputable characters. "

Peter, these lyrics are filthy.

All this violent music
is what's screwing Chris up.

What the hell? Marilyn Manson?

- Is that who's causing all this?
- Yeah, it's all him or her's fault.

Who does he or she think he or she is?

Look, you can totally see
his or her nipples.

That's obscene, maybe.

- There's only one thing to do.
- You're right.

We've gotta find this Marilyn Manson

and I gotta give that bastard or bitch
a piece of my mind or penis.

All right, it shouldn't be too hard
to get ourselves kicked out.

Right, we've just gotta convince them
we're not army material.

- Ready?
- All right, let's do it.

Wow, look at how gay we are.
I am so gay with my gayness.

Me too. I'm... I'm a homo.

- Any room for one more?
- Hell, yeah!

All right, last resort. We get injured
and go home with Purple Hearts.

- Shoot me in the foot.
- What? Shoot yourself in the foot.

No, no, no, no. They can tell by the angle.
Here, you shoot me and I'll shoot you.

- I don't think this is gonna work.
- Of course it will work.

Ready? One, two, three.

Damn it! Oh, my God, that hurts!

- I think you missed me.
- All right, I'll try again.

No, no, no.
Hang on, that looks like it's painful.

Of course it's painful.
There's a bullet in my foot.

- Now, get over here.
- No, no, no, no, no.

I've changed my mind.
I don't wanna do it.

- Come on, we had a deal.
- No, no, no. Don't point that at me.

Okay, come on.
This is not helping, for God's sake.

Oh, you got me.

- Let me see it.
- No, no. It's gross.

- Let me see it.
- No. No, I don't want to gross you out.

We are in so much pain, right now.
The two of us.

Okay, that was real!

Hey, hi. I'm Private Stewie
and this is Private Brian.

We both got shot in the foot,

so we figured
an honorable discharge would be in order.

And you could just
send us back to the States.

Getting shot doesn't
get you out of here anymore.

- What?
- Yeah, we take whatever we can get.

I mean, we got two dead guys
guarding the ammunition.

Sorry guys,
you are here until the job is done.

Great news, everybody.
Democracy just kicked in.

So, it's over? That seems unlikely.

Amazing.

There was only one man in the world with
the vision to predict something like this.

Damn!

Laura! Laura! Laura!

And the Grammy
for biggest posse goes to Ja Rule.

- What?
- No, Madonna. Posse. Posse.

Oh.

All right, Marilyn Manson
has to be here somewhere.

Good thing we distracted
that guard with that riddle.

What gets wetter as it dries?

A towel. Hey, I've been had!

Hey, look. Right over there.

Hey, Manson.

- What in the world was that for?
- Oh, it's a guy.

That's for ruining our son.

He used to be a sweet boy
until he heard your music.

This old story. If I had a nickel. All right.
Where's your son?

I'm hiding underneath my sheets
for fear he'll point and show his teeth

Chris, we brought someone
you might like to meet.

Oh, my God! Marilyn Manson.

Hey there, Chris.
You working hard or hardly working?

- So, I see you're in a band.
- Yep!

Listen, your parents tell me
you've been acting out a little bit,

and I just wanted to tell you
rock and roll music is cool,

but respect for your elders
is a tune we can all dance to.

- Really?
- Sure.

And the best way to start a fun-filled day
of being a good citizen

is with a healthy breakfast,
rich in breads and grains.

And fruits are important too.

You mean like apples,
oranges and bananas?

Any of them, Chris. You can't miss.

And now I think your parents
have something to say.

Chris, you don't really believe all
the things in those song lyrics, do you?

No.

Then why you been acting
like such a punk?

- I guess I don't really know.
- I think I have an idea.

Peter, when was the last time you
and Chris here did something together?

- Boy, I guess it's been a while.
- Here's something you might not know.

Children crave structure.

They enjoy the fun of planned activities
in which they and their parent or guardian

can share a common goal.
Maybe you could take Chris fishing.

What do you say, Chris?
You wanna go fishing with your old man?

- Do I?
- Can't go without these.