Family Guy (1998–…): Season 5, Episode 18 - Meet the Quagmires - full transcript

Synchronisation : Kemar
Transcript : Raceman

Hey, Quagmire,
how was your date last night?

Cleveland, it was amazing.
You know what I discovered last night?

- Women have a fourth hole.
- What?

Yeah.
I mean, it's only visible

if you're looking from
exactly the right angle,

like the entrance to Hogwarts.

But you got to believe that it's there.

Man, I envy you single guys.

No families, partying whenever you want.

These are the only people
I get to party with.



That's where the fourth hole is,
right there.

Right there in the back of the knee.

I like having a family. I got all the
crazy out of my system when I was 18.

Not me. I was dating Lois
the whole time.

I never got to be wild.

Except for that time I rode
the mechanical bull at that bar.

Oh, my God, how embarrassing!

Look how much fun I am!

It's like I missed out on half my life.

What I wouldn't give to be 18 again,

like those kids on spring break.

Grim news from Daytona, Florida,

where the remains of
three female college students

were found near a local nightclub.



Reports suggest that
all three were violated sexually

before being brutally murdered.

Oh, man, see that?

Everybody's getting laid but me.

Oh, come on!

Hang on, I'll fix it.

Oh, my God, is he dead?

I think he might be dead!

Oh, did you hear that?

Noah Wylie here thinks
he might be dead.

Step aside, Junior.

Nope, he's just knocked out.

Damn, I drove all the way out here.

I had to cancel another appointment.

I never like to be too far away
from Mike Wallace.

Hey, Death,

I-I got a favor to ask you.

Could you let me go back in time
and be 18 again?

What, are you high? No.

Coming up next on ESPN,

- Women's Professional...
- All right, you win.

Let's go.
But just for one night.

What the hell? Where are we?

Oh, my God, this is...

this is Newport Country Club!

I used to be a towel boy here!

That's right, Peter.
You're 18 years old again.

At least that's how everyone'll see you.

Hey, Peter, slap me five.

Slap me ten.

Around the side.

And back again.

Up high.

Down low.

Now over by the diving board.

Now on the other side of the pool.

All right, now I want you
to meet me at this address

in an hour, and we'll slap five there.

Then afterwards, we'll hit the bars.

That sounds good to me.

I'm 18, and I'm ready to do some living.

We are gonna raise more hell
than Hellraiser.

Hey, honey,

- you want some salt for your steak?
- Yeah, sure.

Aha, gotcha!

That's more salt than you wanted.

Hello, boys.

Wow.

18-year-old Lois.

Son of a bitch.

I see those ivory lies
in sweet Rosita's eyes

Gonna leave them both behind

When we 'tomaso all night

Hi, Peter.

I'm really looking forward
to the movie tonight.

Peter and I are going to see Zapped.

I figured Scott Baio
was androgynous enough

that we could both fantasize about him,
and no one would be gay.

Lois, we got the rest of our lives

for me to not hear a word you just said,

but tonight, I got plans with Cleveland.

But we had a date.

Could I Wham my Oingo Boingo
into your Velvet Underground?

Stay tuned for President Ronald
Reagan's weekly radio address.

Ronald Reagan?!

The actor?!

He's president?!

Peter, you're the one from the future.
You should know... Ah, forget it.

Oh, you've got to hear this new
Eddie Murphy cassette I bought.

Hey, did you ever have a barbecue?

I have!

Wow. You're really good at this game.

Yeah, I've logged a lot of game hours
on Menstrual Ms. Pacman.

What?! What?!

- Geez.
- Nothing.
- Bitch.

So, uh,

- have you seen Ghostbusters?
- Save your breath, geekwad.

I'm here with my boyfriend.

You mean that quintessentially '80s guy
with his collar turned up all the way?

Are you hitting on my girlfriend?

- That was nice.
- I'll say.

Peter, is that...?
Are you...

- Molly Ringwald?
- Yeah. How's it going?

Wow, you're the biggest star
in the world right now.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I like to hook up
with random bar guys.

Lucky for me, huh?

No, a hobby's good.

All right, Peter, your time's up.

- Aw, man, already?
- Yup, come on.

Good to meet you, Molly.
I'll be back later for your career.

Well, I hope you got your fill, Peter.

Death, that was totally worth it.

It was even better
than the time I stumbled into

that fat, lonely women's club.

Uh, excuse me, could I get directions
to the Providence Civic Center?

- Do you like cake?
- Yes.

- Do you like my ass?
- Yes.

Do you want to eat cake off my ass?

What kind of cake?

Angel food cake.

Well, Rusty,

looks like we're gonna eat
our way out of another jam.

Honey, you awake?

Morning, sweetie.

Who the hell are you?!
What are you doing in my bed?!

Peter, it's me. Molly? Your wife?

Molly Ringwald?

You're my wife?!

We've been married for 20 years.
What's wrong with you?

Hi. I'm Judd Nelson.

I crash here once or twice a week.

Brian, Molly Ringwald is in my bed,
and she says she's my wife!

That's not all.

Look at this place.
Everything's different.

This is crazy.

Brian, did you ever see
that Twilight Zone episode?

You know, where the woman
wakes up in the hospital,

and all the doctors are pigs?

Yeah.

I like that one.

But what the hell is going on here?

You know, I think I have a theory.

It's possible that when
we went back in time,

we somehow altered the past.

Geez, Brian, that's more ridiculous

than the theory of why Tom Cruise
runs in all his movies.

Wow, that cameraman
has nice strong arms.

You can't catch me, gay thoughts.

- Hey, where the hell is Lois?
- That's weird.

Looks like she's coming out
of Quagmire's house.

Lois, what the hell?

I'm gone for one night,
and you sleep with Quagmire?!

Mr. Griffin, what I do with my husband
is none of your business.

- Husband?
- Morning, Pete.

Hope you and Molly can still join us
for dinner tonight.

Come here, baby.
Let's go play Schoolgirl

And Guy Who Has Sex With Schoolgirl.

Brian, what the hell is going on?!

We were only in 1984 one night,
and now everything's all messed up.

I think I can explain it to you, Peter.

This line represents
the normal flow of events.

Here's where you met Lois,

here's where you got married,
and here's the present.

And here's the night at the bar.

Now, at some point during that evening,

you did something that changed
the course of your history,

causing the time line to skew off
into an alternate tangent,

where you're married to Molly Ringwald,

Quagmire's married to Lois,

and for some reason, we have
a chalk boarding the living room.

Well, what are we gonna do?

We got to figure out
what happened at this point in time.

And I'll tell you another thing
that worries me.

You ever hear the theory that
if you kill a butterfly in the past,

it can drastically alter the present?

Well, who knows what else we changed.

Tonight on The Tonight Show,
movie star George Clooney.

- Oh, he's good.
- Comedian Dave Chappelle.

He's funny. Like him.

And musician Harry Connick Jr.

Wow. What a show.

And, now, ladies and gentleman,

here's...

Chevy!

Oh, God, Brian, we messed up bad.
We messed up real bad.

Howdy, neighbors! Come on in.

Hey, Lois, Peter and Molly are here!

Chris, say hi to Mr. and Mrs. Griffin.

- Hi, Mr. Griffin.
- How's it goin', man?

Chris, Stewie!

Oh, my God!
All right, don't freak out, Peter.

Don't freak out like you did
when your goldfish died.

Here you go, Lieutenant Shiny-Sides.

It's okay. You don't have to eat it now.

You're just sleeping.

You'll eat it later.

You'll eat it later,
Lieutenant Shiny-Sides!

Meg, stop staring at Mr. Griffin.

I'm sorry, Peter.

I'm afraid she's got
her father's libido.

What can I say? I'm a Vagitarius. Oh!

Hey, did you guys hear
on the news about President Gore

hunting down and killing
Osama Bin Laden with his bare hands?

I know.
Who would've thought Bin Laden

was hiding out in the cast of Mad TV.

Man, the perfect hiding spot.

The one place no one would look.

Oh, there's the pie.

Lois, this is a huge mistake.

What are you talking about, Peter?

You're supposed to be married to me.

We're the ones who were meant
to be together. Not you and Quagmire.

It's a little late for that,
don't you think, Peter?

I mean, there was a time back when we dated

that I thought you might be the one,

but as I recall,
you were more interested

in partying with your friends.

Then Glenn came along,
and stole my heart.

When he kissed me that night
at the Country Club Dance,

I knew we'd be together forever.

Hey Lois, I'm ready for your pie.

And you made dessert, too! Oh!

Oh, Glenn,

I love all your sex jokes
and your dirty puns.

That's why I married you.

- Let's go upstairs and do it.
- Okay!

Brian, going back in time
ruined my life.

We've got to get Death
to send us back to 1984 again

so I can undo what I did.

Or we could just make the best of this.

Al Gore is President.

We could kind of just take
that one and call it a win.

I mean, with Bush, we didn't have
flying cars that run on vegetable oil.

Meet George Jetson

His boy Elroy

Daughter Judy

Jane his wife

No, no, no! No! No!

I took this one out for you.

You take this one, I keep this!

You are not taking my whole wallet
so you can go shopping.

I was just going to buy some groceries.

Bull crap.

I don't care what it takes, Brian,
I've got to get Lois back somehow.

Well, the only one
who can help us is Death,

and he only shows up
when somebody dies.

That's gonna be tough.

With President Gore's
universal health care,

people are living
much longer these days.

And with zero tolerance gun control

and a strong,
well-funded educational system,

there's no street crime.

Face it, Peter, you not marrying Lois

was the best thing
that ever happened to the world.

I don't care! We've got to find a way
to summon Death and quick.

Well, that might do it.

Death, oh, thank God you're here!

Listen, you've got to
send me back in time again

so I can marry Lois.

Man, it's been a busy day.

Dick Cheney,
the chairman of Halliburton,

shot Supreme Court Justice Scalia
in a hunting accident,

and the bullet went right through him

and killed Karl Rove and Tucker Carlson.

Oh, my God, Peter, you can't marry Lois.

I don't know who any
of those people are.

All right, hang on. Here we go.

This is the exact moment in 1984
that I sent you to the first time.

You've just got to manage
not to screw it up again.

Lois! Oh, my God,
it's so good to see you!

Hey, Peter, you all set
to go see Zapped! tonight?

I figure Scott Baio
was androgynous enough that we...

That we could both fantasize about him

and no one would be gay,
yeah, I know the joke.

Hey, you know what,
listen, Zapped! sucks.

Why don't we go see Krull?

Peter, you know
I'm dying to see Zapped!.

I would much prefer Krull.

Well, maybe you should
just go by yourself.

- Well, maybe I will.
- Fine.

Crap. Death!

- What?
- One more time.

Hey, Peter,

you all set to go see Zapped! tonight?

I figured Scott Baio
was androgynous enough that we...

That's hilarious!

You are a delight.

And Zapped!
is one of my favorite movies.

I look forward to watching it
with you, sweetheart.

Oh, wonderful.

Death!

Hey, Peter,

you all set to see Zapped! tonight?

- I figured Scott Baio...
- Yes.

Scott Baio, gay, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Ha, ha, ha...

I can't wait to see the movie.

Well, terrific. I'll see you tonight.

Oh, hey, Peter.

Say, I was just getting ready
to hit the town.

You want to join me?

I can't, Cleveland,
I got a date with Lois.

It's gonna to be fun.

It is?

Peter, what the hell are you doing?
You're supposed to be with Lois.

Aw, crap! Death!

No. You know what?
I'm not doing it again.

Screw this. No more mulligans.
You're on your own.

Oh, damn it, Brian,
what the hell am I gonna do now?

I haven't screw up this bad since
I bought Joe Piscopo that barbell set.

All right Joe, now
don't get carried away with this.

Don't worry, Peter.
I'll only work out during my downtime.

Oh, look who it is. Only 14 hours late.

If you don't want to spend time
with me, Peter, that's fine.

But at least don't make me
wait up all night for you.

Lois I'm so sorry.

I promise, I'll make it up
to you tonight.

We can watch any stupid movie you want.

Sorry, I've already got plans.

What do you mean plans?

I'm going to the Country Club Dance
with Glenn.

I wanted to surprise you
with the invitation last night,

but you never showed up.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to get ready.

Peter, the Country Club Dance
is where Lois said

she fell in love with Quagmire.

If they kissed at that dance,
you're finished.

You're right, Brian.
We've got to stop them.

And I think I know how.

- Peter!
- Oh, God, sorry! Sorry!

Sorry. You're right,
let's go to the dance.

Peter used to be so passionate.

Suddenly he just doesn't seem
very interested in me anymore.

Lois, if I may speak freely,
as a friend?

You deserve better than Peter.

You deserve a gentleman.

Oh, Glenn, you're so sweet.

- Oh! Something popped me.
- It's okay, it's ok.

It's just my wang.

Now I know what a TV dinner feels like.

- What?
- It's a line from Die Hard.

Hasn't been made yet.
We could ride it, Brian.

After we're done with this,
we could ride it.

Oh, my God! You just crushed Andy!

Oh, yeah, sorry about that.

Oh, oh, you're sorry?

Who's gonna play guitar?

Oh, I love this song.

Lois, may I have this dance?

Peter, what are you doing here?

I love you, Lois Pewterschmidt.

And not Quagmire or any man,

she-male, robot or sentient robot
curious about its own existence

is going to keep you from me!

Peter, I am here with Glenn.

You had your chance with me
and you blew it.

Now leave us alone.

Is that what you really want, Lois?

Yes, it is.

Well, I guess that's it.

Who the hell am I kidding?

I don't deserve her.

Come on, Peter.

Prove to Lois that you love her.

It's your last chance.

- Hey, Quagmire.
- Huh?

Sorry, Lois, but I have to do this.

Oh, Peter,

that was so passionate.

Why, I didn't know
I meant that much to you.

Are you kidding?

Lois, I couldn't bear
to live without you.

I came back thinking
I was missing something in my life.

But what I almost missed was the
best thing that's ever happened to me.

Lois Pewterschmidt,

will you be my wife?

Yes.

Yes, I will.

I think they want another one.

Uh... okay.

Here's a song by a gay guy.

We're no strangers to love

You know the rules and so do I

A full commitment's what I'm thinking of

You wouldn't get this from any other guy

I just want to tell you how I'm feeling

Got to make you understand

Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down

Never gonna run around...

Whoa, whoa, big guy.

You're probably never even
gonna see him again.

Never gonna say good-bye

Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you...

Hey, Rick, it's your cousin, Marvin.

Marvin Astley?!

You know that mediocre, generic sound
you've been looking for?

Well, listen to this!

Never gonna give
Never gonna give

Give you up

Never gonna give
Never gonna give

Give you up

Never gonna give...

I didn't like any of that.

Wow, Peter, that's an amazing story.

And I'm touched that you went through
so much trouble just to be with me.

Obviously, I made the right choice
when I married you.

Me, too, Lois.

And, hey, let's just all be grateful

that things are completely back
to normal again.

Who ate all the pecan sandies?