Family Guy (1998–…): Season 5, Episode 17 - It Takes a Village Idiot, and I Married One - full transcript

- Mwah!
- Okay, I've fed you.

Now, who's ready
to watch some basketball?

Why am I looking at you?

I don't know. Unlike you,
I don't need a reason

to watch a bunch of guys
run around in shorts.

Don't ruin this for me like
you did with olympic diving.

- Cam?
- Recording it.

Mitch and I are taking
Alex and Manny to an art exhibit.

But, of course,
everybody is welcome to join.

It's a retrospective on "post-war
abstract expressionism".

Wait. For school?



No, for life.

Oh, thank God.

I don't even know who
we fought in the post war.

Told you one car was enough.

- Looks like it's just the two amigos.
- Haley?

Oh, sorry to brunch and bail,
grandpa, but I've got a date.

Uh, with whom?

A gorgeous guy I met at school.

Ooh, goes there
or cleans there?

Mom.

Answer the question.

So everyone's leaving?

I wish I had known this before
I served the good bacon.

You did not serve
the good bacon.



Shh! Don't you have
a tiny dress to buy?

[Squeals]

Yes, we do!

We asked Gloria to take Lily
to pick out her flower-girl dress.

Yeah, we're clearly not following
every wedding tradition,

but there will damn sure
be one dress

the grooms don't see
until the big day.

And we also asked Claire to go

because we thought
her sensible style

nicely complements
Gloria's flair.

That way Lily doesn't
end up looking too...

[Hums "La cucaracha"]

Or too...

[As sad trombone]
"Wah-wah."

There's my boy.

I know you're talking to Joe,

but that still feels
really good to hear.

Okay, clocking out.

Ch-ch-boop!

You know, Andy, if you want,

you can stay
and watch the game.

Otherwise, I'll just
be here by myself.

I'm right here.

I-I'd love to,
Mr. P,

but I got to come up
with an anniversary gift

for my girlfriend.

I make her something
different every year,

like a scrapbook
or a nice scarf.

This year, I was thinking

maybe I could bake her
some banana bread.

Ohh, I am the king
of banana bread.

You know my secret?

No nuts.

Not such a secret.

I used to make stuff
for Claire all the time.

Pretty sure my artistry
is what locked her down.

I got to make this year's special.

With her in the Coast Guard,

I, like, hardly ever
get to see her.

Well, this is just off the dome,

but, uh, maybe
send her a fun video?

Ooh, she does love
"Rock of ages."

Or you could
make your own video...

Something romantic and personal

with real production value.

I got some pretty choice
equipment back at the house.

I'd be happy to help.

- Would you really?
- Yeah!

Yes!

Great! Let's do it!

Luke, buddy,
I'll pick you up later.

We can go check out some wheels.

I thought you were gonna
stay and watch the game.

I knew you loved me.

Get out!

Come on.

Wheels? What, are you
looking at cars already?

Pottery wheels.

I have to pick
a spring elective,

and dad thinks
I should take ceramics

'cause lots of girls do.

You know what
a lot of girls don't do?

Guys who take ceramics.

You got a wood shop
at your school?

I can't really build stuff.

I mostly take apart
and apologize.

You got to know
how to build things.

- I can build suspense.
- How?

Well, get this.

Huh?

Garage. Now.

What's a bridal store?

It's a place with
the most wonderful dresses

that you have ever seen.

We're gonna get you
the perfect one

even if it takes us all day.

Found it.

Oh, no, sweetie.
That's a costume.

You can't wear a costume
to a wedding.

Why not?
Belle's a princess.

She faced the beast.

She stood up
to the townspeople.

What have you done?

I... got us into that tiny,
little parking spot.

Princess dresses are not
the only pretty dresses.

I want to be a princess.
I want to be a princess!

Stop that right now.

Your dads want you to have
a flower-girl dress,

and that's what
we're going to get you.

So march.

It was... It was marked
"compact" and...

and we're driving a minivan, so...

Alex: Hey, thanks
for inviting us to this.

Oh, no problem.

You know, I'm surprised
that this particular foursome

doesn't hang out
more often, considering...

We're the cultured ones
in the family?

I wouldn't say that.

Outside of this group.

[Laughter]

Did you know your father

actually goes to the grocery store
to buy books?

I did know that, yeah.

I also know that the best way

to get my sister
to fall asleep is to...

Show her a movie
with subtitles.

Bonne nuit, mama.

We should be nice and grateful

that we have this day
to spend together

in our own private salon.

Don't tell my mom that.

She'll show up and ask
to get her roots done.

[Laughter]

- Manny!
- It's true.

Thanks, Manny.

I am so excited
for this exhibit.

I'm such an admirer
of Kandinsky.

You know, he was credited

with painting the first
truly abstract work.

- Is that so?
- Mm-hmm.

To be honest,
I was a little nervous

about holding my own
with those three,

so [Smacks lips] I did a little
boning up on Kandinsky.

Figured it couldn't hurt to have
a few facts in my pocket.

My backup plan was to touch
a painting and get thrown out.

Miss, hi.
Excuse me.

Can you tell us where
the Kandinsky exhibit is?

You know, Wassily Kandinsky?

Born in Moscow,
son of a tea merchant?

I'm sorry.
That exhibit was temporary.

It's closed.

What?

No.

Oh, I love this Matisse.

You know this is
one of his final works.

His failing health led to his
exploration of paper cutouts.

Ah, yes. I believe he called it
"painting with scissors."

Mm-hmm. And he was also
a contemporary of Picasso.

You can definitely see
how they influenced each other.

- Right, Cam?
- Huh?

Uh, well, you know,
it really reminds me...

of, uh, Kandinsky.

How so?

Well, not so much in look,
more in texture.

- No, no, Cam!
- No, please, sir, don't touch the art.

I'm sorry.
I'll leave the premises.

No, it's... it's fine.

Just take a few steps back.

Beth, I would swim
the deepest, sharkiest oceans

to be with you.

What are you doing?

Phil: Cut!

Well, now we have
a blooper reel.

We're making a video love letter
for Andy's girlfriend.

Your dad uses his computer
to put in cool backgrounds

while I act out all the things
that I would do to be with her,

like swim an ocean
or climb a mountain.

Ooh, how about
you buy a plane ticket

and visit her
like a normal person?

I would, but the Coast Guard
keeps her really busy.

Eyes.
Does she like it?

She's probably so lonely with
only two other women to talk to

in her whole 40-person unit.

So you're saying
it's just your girlfriend

and 36 super in-shape dudes?

37. And it's not what you think.

The Coast Guard seriously
frowns on fraternizing.

It's forbidden.

That doesn't make it hot.

Oh, I got some on your face.
You're gonna shine.

I'll go get some of my...
Claire's powder.

My Claire.
She's my wife.

I thought you had
a date to go on.

I do.

When's he gonna get here?

Whenever he does.

He's just, like,
a few minutes late.

[Sighs] I'm sorry.

That is so rude.

A real man would be more
considerate of your time.

You're right.

That's why every year

People magazine names the
"consideratest" man alive.

[Laughs]

Oh, man, you can make
fun of me all you want,

but when you grow up,

you'll see what qualities
make up a real man.

Phil: Someone say "makeup"?

I did.
[laughs]

All right, here we go.

Oh, yeah.
Much better.

You know what? I think
I'm gonna shadow down here.

Claire: Gloria, you are gonna
love this one.

I think we have finally
found the perfect dress.

[Monotone]
Ta-da.

It's nice,
but I don't like the bow.

Let's try more.

We've tried on
six dresses already.

She's fine with this.
Right, Lily?

I don't care.

See? She loves it.
Done.

Go try the lace one.

Seriously?

This is endless.

Why are you dragging this out?

Because we haven't
found the right dress.

You have got to be
a better shopper than this.

I have seen you buy three
outfits while driving a car.

Come on. It's fun.

I don't have any daughters.

All I get to buy is tuxedos,
and they all look the same.

But don't tell Manny that, because
I don't want to hear another lecture.

It's funny.

I have never cared
about any of this stuff.

I didn't even wear a wedding
dress when I married Phil.

Never even tried one on.

[Gasps]

Easy.
That is the reaction

for when there's a man
behind me with a gun.

All I said is I don't care
about wedding dresses.

Because you've never
been in one.

I'm gonna pick some
for you to try.

Okay, no, no.
No need. Mnh-mnh.

Come on, you'll feel beautiful.

Then you can go back
to your... boy clothes.

Hey.

I bought this shirt for Luke
and I couldn't return it.

And I don't have all day
to try on dresses.

Lily:
Oh, and I do?

It'll be fun for me.

You're my stepdaughter.

I'm older than you.

You see?
It's already fun.

We're gonna start by building
a simple toolbox.

First, I'm gonna show you
how to cut the wood.

I know you're a little young
for this, Goober.

Try to soak it all up.

- What's this thing?
- A table vise.

[To tune of "Edelweiss"]
Table vise, ta...

No.

I already went through this
with Mitchell.

That's what we're here
to prevent.

Didn't your dad teach you
any of this stuff?

He says the only tool you need
is a sense of humor.

'Cause who needs
the jaws of life

if you have
a good knock-knock joke?

Luke, grab the goggles
over there, please.

And try to pay attention.

We measure twice,
and we cut once.

Hey, grandpa,
can you bench 180 pounds?

I just said pay attention.

And that's actually 205
with the bar.

I'll lift that for you later.

I can see you're not
gonna let up about that.

- Eh, I'm okay.
- Spot me.

Now, if this thing goes south,

I want you to call 911

and tell Joe his old man
died as he lived...

saving a trainload of people.

[Grunts]

[Inhaling, exhaling,
and grunting rhythmically]

All right.
That's enough for now.

[Chuckles] Whoa.

Tell me everything you know
about women.

[Laughter]

[Speaks french]

[Laughs] Yeah, that last thing.

Funny. Funny. Funny.

I must be a little behind
you guys.

His words.

[Laughs]

Do you feel
what's happening here?

- I feel pinching.
- No.

I'm the weak link
of this super group.

They know it and I know it.

It's fine when we're all
in a big group,

but once we're separated
from the herd,

- the hooves come out.
- Don't you mean "claws"?

Clawed animals don't
travel in herds, Mitchell.

Packs, flocks, and prides.
Why can't we be on a farm?

I'd make you all
look like such idiots.

You know what?

I'm just gonna wait outside.

Wh... no.
Cam, come on.

You're being silly.

To be perfectly honest,
I-I really needed Cam to stay.

The minute he goes,
I'm the dumb one.

I-I took an art history class once,

but that was just to look
at naked Italian dudes, so...

Remember now,
you're in subzero temperatures.

The only thing keeping you warm

is the heat
of your fiery passion.

And...
Go!

My beautiful Beth...

- Colder!
- My b-b-beautiful B-Beth.

- Colder!
- B-b-b-b...

That's too cold.
That's too cold.

B-B-Beth!

Now we're talking!

You're so beautiful to me!

Yes!

Why am I so intent
on helping Andy?

I love filmmaking
and I love love.

I guess you could say
I enjoy making love on film,

and now I don't have
to do it by myself.

Beth, this is my long way
of saying I miss you.

Th... uh.
You know, this is weird.

I don't really know
where to look.

J-just look deep into my eyes
and sweep me off my feet.

All right.

Honey...

- Yeah, that's weird.
- It is. Yeah.

Haley, honey, can you help us?

I don't think anyone can.

Just let Andy hold your
"Officer and a gentleman" style,

and I'll superimpose Beth's face
over yours on the computer.

That's insane.

I know.
I can do anything with this.

- If she's not comfortable...
- You know what, guys?

This whole thing
is really sad and pathetic.

No girl wants a guy
that tries this hard.

If I got this video,
I'd call the police.

Some girls actually like guys
who are nice to them.

Some girls like 36 of them.

There's 37 of them!

Okay, this is passion.
We can use it.

Andy, pick her up.

All right, let's just
get this over with.

Oh, my gosh, he's actually
picking me up! Dad!

It's just for a minute.
Now lock eyes and...

Action.

[Sighs]

Honey, this is my long way
of saying I miss you.

I don't have to
climb a mountain

or swim an ocean
to be with you,

'cause you're always with me...

In my thoughts,

my dreams...

My heart.

You deserve more than
I could possibly ever give you,

but everything I have is yours.

I love you.

Cut!

That was beautiful.

I really felt that one.
Did you feel that one?

No, I didn't feel anything.

I was talking to Andy.

I know!
Put me down, freak!

Ugh!

Wow.

That really takes me back
to my cheerleading days.

Alex: How could a guy
with so much pain

create such hopeful imagery?

I certainly
couldn't paint like that

if my mother was dying
of consumption.

The last time she had a cold,

I could barely arrange
the flowers on the front table.

You know what I found
so interesting?

Was that the first painting
and the last painting

were so similar,

and I think that that
was intentional,

a comment on the perpetual
motion of life.

The first painting
was the last painting.

We walked in a circle.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah.

So... you know,
I'm gonna go check on Cam

- because he's been alone f-for
quite some time. - Mm-hmm.

And, you know, he's probably
touching a painting.

N-no, don't go!

We're having such a good time.

I guess it's just
you and me now.

It was okay when Cam left and
passed the dunce cap to Mitchell,

but with him gone,
it went to me.

What I would've given
to have Luke there.

Ah, Luke.

Sweet as custard
and just as smart.

And presto.

Thank you so much, Mr. Dunphy.

I wish I could
repay you somehow.

Nah. Next time you're with
your girlfriend, just think of me.

Done.

[Horn honks]

Later.

Who's that?

My date.

Your lunch date?
It's 5:00.

He fell asleep.

But he texted me
right when he woke up.

Well, then, you'd think he'd be well-rested
enough to walk to the front door.

Yeah, a gentleman honks
to support the troops,

not summon his girlfriend.

Although my girlfriend is a troop,

so in my case,
it's a little confusing.

Oh, my God, it's still talking.

Because it knows
you're not being respected.

- Thank you.
- You bet.

Ugh. You guys don't understand
how dating works

in the real world.

What are you talking about?

Look at everything Andy
did for Beth today.

I just live my life
to make her happy.

I'm gonna give this
to the mailman

who's gonna give it
to the Coast Guard,

and by this time tomorrow,

someone in the Coast Guard's

gonna be giving it
to my girlfriend.

Can you imagine
the smile on her face

when she takes it all in?

Okay, I'm gonna go while you two
replay that in your minds.

[Door opens, closes]
Oh, my gosh.

Would you like
to re-enact "Gravity"?

Yes.
Sandra Bullock!

Ugh. Dang it!

Good call.
That was quick.

Hey.

"Hey"?

That's what I get after
I waited for you all afternoon?

Uh... You look good?

I know that.

You were supposed
to pick me up hours ago.

You were, like,
the first or second person

I texted after I woke up.

Aww!
That's so sweet.

Did it even occur to you
to come to the door?

[Scoffs] Who comes to the door?

A gentleman.

Could you at least open
the car door for me?

Now can we go?

You know what?
Go take another nap.

I'd rather wait for someone

who'd walk through
a blizzard for me

and only honks
to support the troops!

I don't understand you.

Neither do I!

[Sighs]

[Gasps]

Ta-da.

Claire, you look beautiful.
You're glowing.

I'm not glowing.
I'm sweating.

Come on.

Look at yourself in the mirror.

Don't tell me that you don't
feel gorgeous and special.

Wow.

You're right.

I am radiant.

Oh, it's like I'm in a...
In a fairy tale or a dream.

Oh!

Lies!

You're faking it.

Well, I'm sorry!

Look who raised me.

I am my father's daughter...
And also kind of his son.

And I lied about
that being Luke's shirt.

I bought it for myself
in three colors.

I am trying to help you out
here, Gloria,

but this just isn't me.

You did help me.

I am glad
I didn't have daughters.

You know, at least
when I take Manny shopping,

we make a day of it.

I don't even have to ask him to
twirl because he just does it.

Vamos, Lily!

Lily?

- Lily?
- Lily?

Is she... No.

- No?
- She's gone. She's gone.

- Lily!
- Wait. Wait.

Lily! Lily! Lily! Lily!

No, the dress!

[Alarm blaring]

- Lily?
- Lily?

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

I can't run in these shoes!

I bet you wish you had
boy shoes now, huh?

Lily?

[Breathing heavily]

- Claire, stop!
- What?

- Look!
- Oh, my God.

Okay, run, run.
Come on. Come on!

[Both breathing heavily]

She looks so happy.

She does.

Oh, she really does.

They're gonna kill us.

What sort of princess?

The kind that dances with beasts
and won't marry Gaston.

- Really?
- What?

It's the only dress she likes.

Lily wants to come
to the wedding as Belle.

Makes sense. She went to Pepper's
seder as "Dora the explorer".

[Both chuckle]

I-it's fine.

Are you sure?

Yes. Yes.

A-as long as she's happy.

A gay wedding is hardly
the place to stop someone

from being who they want to be.

[Cellphone beeps]

They said it's fine.

Yay!
I'm finally happy!

Mm!

What?

I saw you twirl.

Oh, I did not.

Yes, you did.

Such a pretty girl.

Shut up.

You're a girl.

How about that daughter
of ours?

She marches to the beat
of her own drum, huh?

Yeah. Exactly.

S-so, why are we
so concerned

what two nerdy teenagers
think of us?

Isn't the true mark
of intelligence

being able to admit
what you don't know?

- Shh. Here comes Manny.
- Oh, my God. Did he hear me?

Hey, guys.

Nothin'.

Hey, what are you doing
out here?

You guys invited us so we
could spend the day together.

It felt wrong that
you two are out here

and I was in there
all alone with Alex.

Couldn't keep up, could you?

She knows everything.
She made a docent cry.

It's okay.
We're faking it, too.

- Well, duh.
- Alex: There you guys are.

Nothin'.

Uh, we were just
headed back in.

Yeah, I'm getting
a second wind.

Oh, no, no, no.
That's okay.

- Uh, what do you say we go
check out some food trucks? - Really?

I'll go back in
if you guys want,

but I'm actually really hungry.

- Yeah, whatever you want.
- Okay, well, whatever you need, yeah.

Thanks, guys.

If I'm being honest,
I had to get out of there.

I was exhausted from having
to dumb it down all day.

Really? The neck?

Yeah, a kiss on the neck
opens all kinds of doors.

Last one.

Great job, champ.

Who said you
can't build anything?

My dad, the police, a doctor.

You got a gift.
Trust me. Take shop.

I think I'm gonna.

Hey, how'd you get to know
so much about everything?

From my dad, mostly.

He taught me how to
use a drill, change a tire,

fake an injury when a buddy
asks you to help him move.

[Chuckles] Everything a
man needs to get by.

I'm just glad I have someone
to pass it on to.

You've got Manny.

Mm.

Manny came to me
kind of fully cooked.

And I was an idiot
with Mitchell,

and by the time this guy
gets old enough,

who knows
how much I'll remember?

These are my prime
wisdom-giving years.

You got any more
questions, Luke?

Just one...
Can I have a sip?

The beer? Sure.
What the hell.

Awesome.
My first drink of beer.

Jay: I remember the day
I gave Mitchell

his first taste of beer.

He winced and carried on

like someone was digging
a bullet out of his leg.

I couldn't take that
moment away from Phil.

Hang on. Wait a second.
Let me see that.

[Sniffs]

No, this beer's skunked.

It's no good.

Damn fridge must be
on the fritz again.

Aw, man.

Really?

Sorry, buddy.

It's probably time to call
your dad anyway, right?

- Okay.
- Wait a second.

I want to give you something.

But those are yours.

What's a grandfather for

if he can't give his grandson
a couple of tools?

Thanks, grandpa.

Joe...

I know you're all about
the boobs right now,

but trust me...

the neck.

[Slowly] Don't let go!

[Slowly] Don't worry,
George Clooney, I won't!

You're too handsome!

Watch out for incoming
space junk!

From where?

Your zipper's down!

[Normal voice] Oh, is it?

[Normal voice] - Yeah, it is.
- Just... sorry.

What's Andy doing here?

They're making a video
for his girlfriend.

Yeah? What's it called,
"Dorks in space"?

Oh, it was actually sweet.

It's weird.

There's something about him.
You know what I mean?

Yeah, he's just like dad.

Ew, ew, ew!

In space, no one
can hear you scream.

What?!

In space, no one
can hear you scream!

I can't hear you!

In space... Oh, I just got it.
That's good. That's good.

Thank you.

That's awesome.
[both laugh]

There's no denying
it is original,

but you can see
the influence of Pollock.

While the pattern seems
haphazard and random,

it belies a purposefulness...
A-an intentionality.

You know, I think
what I'm responding to

is the clashing
juxtaposition of color...

The bright yellow
against the dark background.

It's like a ray of sunshine
in an otherwise bleak world.

- If I may take a contrary position...
- Mm.

I think it speaks
to the absurdity

- and folly of human endeavor.
- Mm.

Like our futile struggle
for perfection.

Alex: I get it.

I got mustard on my shirt.

Get over it.

I know we're joking,
but all kidding aside,

it really does remind me
of Kandinsky's...

Oh!