Family Guy (1998–…): Season 6, Episode 1 - Blue Harvest - full transcript

MAN ON TV: We now return
to Sunday Golf on CBS.

COMMENTATOR 1: And Nicholson
here, trying to save par,
and there's Nicholson's wife.

God, is she hot.

COMMENTATOR 2:
Look at that rack.

There's a downhill
lie for you.

COMMENTATOR 1: They're just
out there begging to be
touched. Pleading.

How many golf balls
do you think she can
fit in her mouth?

COMMENTATOR 2: I'd hit that
one in the rough, if you know
what I'm saying.

COMMENTATOR 1:
Who are you kidding, Greg?

You'd pork her for a week
and then get tired of her.

COMMENTATOR 2:
Yeah, you're right.



That's what I do.
That's my thing.

But a hell of a week,
though.

COMMENTATOR 1:
Hell of a week.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Oh, my God,
the power's out.

What are we
gonna do now?

Well, we could
light some candles
and read.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Yeah, right.
Yeah, that'd be great.

Yeah, read the inside
of my butt.

We could tell stories.

Hey, Dad, why don't you
tell the story about
when I was born?

Yeah, we got halfway home
with the afterbirth,

before we had to go
back to the hospital



and swap it out for Meg.
The end.

Now, I got a better one.

This is a story
of love and loss,
fathers and sons,

and the foresight to
retain international
merchandising rights.

This is
the story of Star Wars.

Let's begin with Part 4.

(STAR WARS MAIN THEME PLAYING)

(LASERS FIRING)

You hear that?
Sounds like we're being
boarded from the rear,

and not the,
"Hey, take a deep breath,
let's experiment,"

kind of boarded
from the rear.

(CLEVELAND BEEPING)

Could you hold
on to this bag?

What if they come
in a different door?

Well, I guess we'd
all just get up and
go to that door then.

Is it going to be
like this all day, Jeff?

Hey, I'm just
trying to contribute.

Yeah, well contribute
to pointing your
gun at that door.

Mark, why are you
always way nicer to me

when the other
rebels aren't around?

Damn! I was two days
from retirement.

R2?

Help me,
Obi-Wan Kenobi.

You're my only hope.

All right,
now what do I click?

Click "preferences."

Okay, I clicked
"preferences."

Now go to
"default media browser."

Okay, there's
a little hourglass

and it's not
letting me do anything.

It says "buffering."
What is that?

Just give it a minute.

All I'm trying to
do is make an MPEG.

All I'm trying to do
is tell you to
wait a minute.

Okay, relax.

Now click
"import video file."

All right.

It's telling me
I have to
download RealPlayer 7.

You know what?
I'll just bring
it to him myself.

There she is.

You still got
that bag I gave you?

It's gonna be
a long ride.

Hold your fire.
There's no
life forms aboard.

Hold your fire?
What, are we paying
by the laser now?

You don't do the budget,
Terry. I do.

Hey, I'm gonna
do some crosswords,

but that doesn't mean
I don't want to talk.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

My God,
look at this mess.

"Hey,
Darth Vader's
gonna be here,

"shall we maybe
clean the place up?

"No, it's okay,
he won't mind."

Well, well, Princess Leia.
Are you prepared
to tell me

what you've done
with the stolen
Death Star plans?

All right,
Lord Vader, you win.

I've hidden the plans
in one of these
26 briefcases.

Ooh! Ooh!

Okay, okay,
I'm feeling number 14,
let's go with number 14.

Oh!

It's okay,
I'm just happy
to be on TV.

All right,
take her away.

Okay, here's another one.

Who would you rather do?

Jabba the Hutt
right after a shower
or a service droid?

My father was
a service droid.

Hey, where are you going?

You can kiss
the lower part of

the back of
the canister
that is my body.

Oh, man, this looks like
the wrong neighborhood.

Oh, boy, it's okay,
R2, calm down, be cool.

I ain't done nothing
to antagonize nobody.

What, a droid can't
walk down the desert
no more?

I got rights, too.
Who's there?

(SHOUTING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE)

(CIRCUITS SCRAMBLING)

(GROANS)

(CHAMBER MUSIC PLAYING)

(SPEAKING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE)

Any attack made by
the rebels against

this station would
be a useless gesture,

no matter what
technical data
they've obtained.

This station is
now the ultimate
power in the universe.

That is fantastic,
terrific work.

So no weaknesses at all?

No... No.

You, uh...
You hesitated there.

Is there something
I should know?

No, it's
virtually indestructible,
like 99.99%.

Uh, okay,
wouldn't be doing my job

if I didn't ask,
what's the 0.01?

Well, I mean,
there's this little hole.

It was kind of
an aesthetic choice
by the architect.

And if you shoot
a laser into this hole,
the station blows up.

Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa!

That sounds like
a pretty big
design flaw, then.

No, no, the hole's
only 2 meters across.

Well, that's no
bigger than a womp rat.

Exactly.

And even to get
within range of it,

you have to skim
along this whole trench.
It's not a big deal.

Can't we board it
up or, you know,

put some plywood
over it or something?

Well,
that would look terrible.

I mean, we gotta
think about resale.

Resale? What are you
talking about?

This property is
right above Sunset.

The value is
only gonna go up.

Lord Vader,
your inside references

to the Los Angeles
real estate market

haven't given you
the clairvoyance to turn

a profit on that
condo in Glendale.
Nor has it...

(CHOKING)

I find your lack
of faith disturbing.

That property is
in a prime location.

Twenty minutes to the beach,
20 minutes to downtown.

(CHOKING)
There's nothing
to do downtown.

Enough of this.
Vader, release him.

As you wish.

(GASPING)

All right,
so we're gonna
plug up that hole?

Yeah, we can
get it done tomorrow,
if price is no object.

Uh...

We'll get estimates.

(LAUGHING SHEEPISHLY)
Get estimates, yeah, yeah.

Someone was in the pod.

The tracks go off
in this direction.

Look, sir, droids.

Look, a penny.

Hey, thanks for the sex,
early '90s printer.

All right,
bring him on out.

Oh, God,
it's 100 degrees
out here.

If I pass out, please
note that I'm wearing
a LifeCall bracelet,

with all my
insurance information.

BERU: Luke? Luke!

Luke!
What?

Tell Uncle Owen
not to tell you

that your father
is Darth Vader.

Aunt Beru, when are
you guys going to let

me join the Rebellion,
like all my friends?

Oh, stop whining, Luke,
and come have some blue milk.

One of these days,
I'm just gonna take off

and join the Rebellion,
whether you like it or not.

Over my burnt carcass.

(IN ITALIAN ACCENT)
Hey, shut up-a
with the noise-a.

Hey, shut up-a with
the shut up-a.

You shut up-a with
the shut up-a.

Shut up-a
your face.

Now-a my dog-a
wanna shut up-a.

Why you
no shut up-a?

I'll make-a
you shut up-a.

You, too,
shut up-a.

Hey, I poke
out-a my head.

Some day,
I'll get off this rock
and fight the Empire.

John Williams and the
London Symphony Orchestra,
everybody.

(SOMBER STAR WARS MUSIC)

Now do the theme to
The People's Court.

(PLAYING PEOPLE'S COURT THEME)

Oh, this oil bath is
gonna feel so good.

Hey, you guys
think that '90s printer
looked clean, right?

Hey, there's something stuck
in this R2 unit.

Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi.

You're my only hope.

Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi.

You're my only hope.

Whoever she is,
she sounds like
she's in trouble.

Is there any more
to this message?

Intergalactic Proton Powered
Electrical Tentacled
Advertising Droids.

Hi! I'm Darth Harrington of
Darth Harrington's
Intergalactic Proton

Powered Electrical
Tentacled Advertising

Droids Emporium
and Moon Base.

Due to a garbled
subspace transmission,
I am currently overstocked

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and I am passing
the savings on to you!

She said "Obi-One" Kenobi.

I wonder if she means
old Obi-Wan Kenobi?

Well,
I guess I'll go bulls-eye
some womp rats in my T-16.

My God, you shoot
small animals for fun?

That's the first
indicator of a
serial killer, you freak.

There's two suns
and no women.

What the hell am
I supposed to do?

Master Luke,
he's gone,
he's gone.

What?

R2, he took off in
the middle of the night,
we gotta find him.

Oh, what the phantom menace
is that guy's problem?

Hey, mind if I
turn on the radio?

DJ: WTAT,
Tatooine's all-talk radio.

HOST: My good friends,
the liberal galactic media

is at it again,
they never stop.

Now they're
trying to convince us
that Hoth is melting.

Well, that's crazy,
just trying to scare us.

And if that wasn't
enough to get you mad,

we now have news
that Lando Calrissian

has been made
the chief administrator

of the Bespin
mining facility.

Gee, I wonder
how he got that job.

Well, let me tell you
how he got that job.

Affirmative action
strikes again.

The time is 8:50.

R2, what are you
doing out here?

(BEEPING)

He says there are
several creatures

approaching
from the southeast.

That's not
what I said.

I said there ain't
a pack of menthols
on this planet.

Well,
I see some bantha tracks,
but I don't see any...

Wait a minute,
they're Sand People,

all right,
I can see one of them now.

(BARKING)

(WHISTLING)

(BARKING)

Who the hell are you?

One lucky son of a bitch.

So, Luke, what brings
your muscly arms
out this way?

I'll show you,
Mr. Obi-Wan.

R2, play him
the message.

General Kenobi,
many years ago

you served
my father in
the Clone Wars.

We need your help
again. And, not to
get too personal,

but you owe us
after that mess

you got into
back on Alderaan.

(FAST-FORWARDING)

And we paid to
keep the families

of those
children quiet, so...

This is just,
like, logistical stuff.
I'll check that later.

...Joey Lawrence
haircut.

So, I'll assume we
can count on your help

to get the Death Star
plans to my father
on Alderaan.

The plans are stored
inside this R2 unit.

Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi,
you're my only hope.

All right now,
what do I click?

Luke, you must learn
the ways of the Force,

and come with me
to Alderaan.

What's the Force?

The Force is
what gives a Jedi
Knight his power.

It surrounds us,
it penetrates us.

Mmm...

Here, check this out.

Wow! This is cool.

Yeah, everyone
in the neighborhood
has one.

Hey, why would you
hang that up?

It looks
so tantalizing.

You know, the Empire
is gonna come looking
for these droids.

But if they find out
who the Jawa sold them to,

that could
lead them back...

Home!

Luke, wait,
it's too dangerous.

Get your fat
space ass back here.

Uncle Owen?

Aunt Beru?

Oh, my God!

John Williams!

Great, now we gotta do
the rest of this
thing with Danny Elfman.

(PLAYING ELFMAN-ESQUE MUSIC)

HERBERT: Mos Eisley spaceport.

You will never find
a more wretched hive
of scum and villainy.

My sister
Regina-D2 lives here.

Is she single?

She's a lez-bot.

How are we gonna
get in here?

We don't have
any chicks with us.

It's way easier to
get into these clubs

if you have
chicks in your group.

You ever notice that?

No, I never have.

Sorry, sir,
private party tonight.

I'm a friend of
Dave Navarro's.

You're a friend
of Dave Navarro's.

You saw me here
last week.

I seem like
a cool dude.

I saw you here last week.
You seem like a cool dude.

Move along.

Move along,
move along.

(STAR WARS CANTINA MUSIC
PLAYING)

(GROWLING)

He doesn't like you.

Sorry.

I don't like you either.

You don't even know me.

You know what?
That's fair.

I'm Pig Nose,
and this is my
brother-in-law, Scott.

He's visiting
from Hoth.

I don't know why
they call it Hoth.

They should
call it Coldth.

Okay, settle down.

I'm up after the band.

Thank you.
We're the Cantina Band.

If you have any requests,
shout 'em out.

(THROWING VOICE)
Play that same song.

All right,
same song, here we go.

(STAR WARS CANTINA MUSIC
PLAYING)

Oh, no, Stormtroopers.
Quick, R2, in here.

This door's locked,
move on to the next one.

Well, maybe they're
behind this door.

I just said
it's locked.

Well, can't you
knock or something?

Hello?

Well, I guess
whoever's in there

won't be getting
this giant check

from Publishers
Clearing House.

CLEVELAND:
Publishers
Clearing House!

QUAGMIRE: Shut up.

Did you
hear something?

I heard voices,
but they've stopped,

so I'm gonna assume
there's no one in there.

Hi, my sexy friend
and I are looking for

a ship to take
us to Alderaan,

and I'm willing
to pay big money.

Well, you've come
to the right place.

I'm Han Solo,
captain of
the Millennium Falcon

and the only
actor whose career

isn't destroyed
by this movie.

Is it a fast ship?

Are you kidding?

It's the ship that
made the Kessel Run
in less than 12 parsecs.

Um, isn't a parsec a unit
of distance, not time?

(STUTTERING)

Chewie, take these
guys to the ship
and get her ready.

(GARGLING)

Always gargle
before a takeoff.

Wokka, wokka!
All right, let's go.

(IN ALIEN LANGUAGE)

Greedo, as a matter
of fact, I was just

going to see
Jabba and tell him...

(IN ALIEN LANGUAGE)

Well, what do you think?

What a piece of junk!

Thank you,
this was my brother's.
He died of leukemia.

How do you feel now?

You got any
strawberry milk
in there?

No, but she'll make
0.5 past light speed.

If you want,
I'll show you around,

since no one's
trying to stop
the ship or blast us.

Stop that ship,
blast them.

Oh, now I can't
show you around.

Quick, get in the ship.

Looks like we got
Imperial Cruisers
on our tail.

Oh, look at that one
on the left.

Get off your cell phone,
you are driving.

(RADAR BEEPING)

They're gaining on us.

We'll be safe enough,
once we make the jump
to hyperspace.

Besides,
I know a few maneuvers.
We'll lose 'em.

That... That was
your maneuver?

Moving slightly
to the left?

Well, I mean, we're
not in the same
place we were, huh?

That ought to
confuse 'em.

Yeah, but you
hardly did anything.

You just started
listing lazily
to the left.

I'm pretty sure
they can keep up.

Where did they go?
There they are!

They're listing
lazily to the left.
Go left, left!

Boy, this guy
knows some maneuvers.

All right,
strap yourselves in,

I'm about to make
the jump to light speed.

Did he say "strap
in" or "strap on"?

Man, hyperspace
always looks so freaky.

(DOCTOR WHO THEME PLAYING)

(HIP-HOP BASS BLARING)

Governor Tarkin.

I recognized your
foul stench as soon as
I was brought onboard.

Um, actually, that's me,
I made a Darth doody.

I sithed my pants.

My diaper's gone
over to the dark side.

I got pages of these,
I could go on.

Princess Leia,
we've chosen to test

our Death Star
planet blower-upper gun

on your home
planet of Alderaan.

No!

She said no.
Should we still do it?

Yeah.

(WEAPON CHARGING)

(GASPING)

So, anyway, I says,
"Forget the dental plan,
forget sick leave.

"I just want
a railing. You know,
one railing right here."

Yeah, I know,
I've almost fallen over
that thing so many times.

So, what did they say?

Get this,
they said they're worried
we'd be leaning all day.

They said that?

Yeah.
(SCOFFS)

Well,
none of this will matter
when we're famous singers.

Good evening,
Death Star.

Tonight a special report
on the controversial
attack on Alderaan.

While some
view the attack
as unwarranted,

the Empire has
obtained proof

that Alderaan
was in possession

of weapons of
mass destruction.

And now, let's go to
our five day forecast.

What's the weather like,
Ollie?

Space weather.
Thanks, Ollie.

Coming up,
we'll give you
the road closures

for this week's
Ewok Pride Parade.

Stay with us.

How am I doing?

Just keep your
knees bent.

Imagine you're
spreading butter on
a big piece of bread.

That's it.

Spread that butter,
with the Force.

Ha! You guys seem like
crazy morons to me.

You don't believe
in the Force, do you?

Oh, you mean that thing
you just found out about,

like,
three hours ago,
and are now

judging me for
not believing in it?

Do you believe in anything?

Uh, yeah. Didn't you see my
Cabala bracelet?

What's Cabala?

About $1 .75.

Honestly, I have no idea.

I'm just a slave to trends.

What the hell?

Oh, my God!
We came out of hyperspace
into an asteroid field.

(ELECTRONIC EXPLOSIONS)

Alderaan's been
destroyed by the Empire.

Maybe we should head
for that small moon,

that's clearly
a small moon, and
not anything else.

That's no moon.
It's a space station.

Oh, crap.
They've got us
in a tractor beam.

Well, they're not
going to get me
without a fight.

You can't win.
But there are
alternatives to fighting.

Like what?

Like getting
the hell out of here!

No, just kidding.

Can you imagine
if I was like that?

(LASERS FIRING)

(BODIES THUDDING)

PETER: All right,
just follow my lead
and act real cool.

(MINNIE THE MOOCHER PLAYING)

All right,
I'm gonna go knock out
that tractor beam.

And we'll go
rescue the princess.

You know, Luke, this
may be the last time
we see each other.

So there's something
I want you to know.

(SINGING) Now I've had
the time of my life

And I owe it all to you

I've been waiting
for so long

Now I've
finally found someone

To stand by me

So we take
each other's hand

'Cause we seem
to understand
the urgency

Just remember

You're the one thing

I can't get enough of

So I'll tell you something

This could be love because

I've had
the time of my life

No, I never felt
this way before

Yes, I swear
it's the truth

And I owe it all to you

(SQUEAKING)

(GROWLS)

Holy shit!

You ain't never
gonna believe
what I just seen.

Tyra Banks?

See, now you say
something better,

so my thing don't
sound cool no more.

Oh! Come on,
what did you see?

I don't remember.

I just was thinking
about Tyra Banks.

(EXCLAIMS)

Can you imagine?

Every night!

Don't shake my hand.

You ain't got no hand!
You a little truck.

BRIAN: So, what are we on,
the first floor?

CHRIS: We are
on the second floor.

PETER: No, no, no,
here's the Banana Republic,
and we just passed that.

It's right back there.
We parked on the Macy's side,

so now we must be over here
by the JCPenney.

CHRIS: It looks like
the first floor is
mostly men's stuff,

and there's
a Lady Foot Locker
right over there.

BRIAN: All right,
so we're on the third floor.

All right,
let's get in
the elevator.

And hurry up, 'cause
the smell of that
Mrs. Fields is killing me.

(THE IMPERIAL MARCH
MUZAK PLAYING)

Wrong floor.
Stormtrooper church.

And do you,
Allen, take Judith

to be your
lawfully wedded wife

till death or a giant
explosion do you part?

Where are you
taking this thing?

Prisoner transfer
from cell block 1138.

You think you could get me
a room by the pool?

(LAUGHING)

Is funny,
because you are a prisoner

and there is no pool
because is Death Star.

(MOANS)

We've gotta find out
what cell this princess
of yours is in.

There it is, 2187.

I'm on it!

Everything's
under control here.

Situation normal.

STORM TROOPER:
What happened?

We had a slight
weapons malfunction,

but everything's
perfectly all right.
We're fine.

We're all fine here now.
Thank you.

How are you?

(GROANING)
I've been better.

Well, tell me what's up.

Well,
I'm in this relationship

and it doesn't seem
to be going anywhere.

I like her, but we're
not really connecting.

How long has it been?
About 10 months.

And how often do
you see each other?

Couple times a week.

Well, why don't you try
seeing each other
a little more often,

and see if you
connect a little more?

And if not,
it may be time to move on.

Thanks for calling.

This is Han Solo
and I'm gonna be
keeping you company

for the next few hours,
right here on
the midnight shift.

MAN: (SINGING)
Something's telling me
it might be you

It's telling me
it might be you

Aren't you a little fat
to be a Stormtrooper?

Well, stay here and rot,
you stuck-up bitch.

Wait, who are you?

I'm Luke Skywalker.

Me and Han Solo
and Obi-Wan are
here to rescue you.

Wait, Obi-Wan Kenobi?

Yeah!

Suddenly,
I'm not so fat, huh?

Come on,
into the garbage chute.

She's right!
Come on, Chewbacca.

What, are you kidding?
It's probably

full of disease.
I'm not jumping in there.

Not even if I
throw this pig's ear?

Oh, come on, that's not fair.
Go get it!

(BARKING)

Oh, boy!
Great idea, Princess,

diving into
a pile of garbage.

Hey, when we get out of here,
maybe you can show me around

your home planet of Alderaan.

Aww...

Too soon?

Hey, it could be worse.

(MECHANICAL ECHOING)

It's worse.

The walls are closing.

(ALL SCREAMING)

LOIS: Oh, my God!

Listen to them,
R2, they're dying!

What do we do?

Only one thing
to do, man.

You still got
that bag I gave you?

Man, I wish I could
listen to some

Tatooine,
Wind & Fire right now.

Hmm.

So, you think
the Empire's gonna
fall, man?

(STUTTERING)
I don't know, man.

How you doing
right now?

Good. Why?

I think I may be
having sort of a
mini freak-out here.

Oh.

Just tell me I
don't have to stay
in this room.

What?
Just tell me, right now,

that I don't have
to stay in this room.

You don't have to
stay in this room.

Oh, thank Christ!

(ALL CHEERING)

Thank God! We're saved.

Look at this.
Who throws out half a pizza?

And look at this couch.

Somebody threw out
a whole couch and
it's in great shape.

Yeah, you put
a little Febreze on that,
scrub it out a little bit,

it would look great
in your apartment.

You know what? I know
we have a dangerous
job to do here,

but I'm taking this.
I'm taking this couch.

PETER: All right, ready?
All right, one, two, three.

Okay!
Easy, easy, easy...

Easy, easy...
Wait! Wait, wait...

Stop! Stop, stop...

What? What, what?

No, no, no. Twist it.
I am.

No, no, no.
The other way.

Which way?
You're twisting the wrong way.

What do you
want me to do?

Just look down, look at me,
look what I'm doing.

All right,
see the way I'm twisting it?
Yeah.

Right, turn it that
way from your end.

Okay.

No, no, no. Just put
it down,

just drop it.
Yeah, yeah, okay.

All right, all right.

All right, let's...

Just hang on and
figure this out.

Han, there are
Stormtroopers
all over the place.

Shouldn't we be
getting out of here?

All right, okay,
all right,
I got it, I know...

Here's what
we're gonna do.

We're going to
take the cushions off,

unscrew the legs,
take the mattress out,

and this whole thing
is going to be
a lot simpler.

It's easier than
we're making it.

(POWER DRAINING)

Hey, did you
hear something?

Probably just
another drill.

You know that
last drill we had?

I was about to
finally bone
my girlfriend,

and then we heard
that there was
this drill

and she told me
there was no way.

STEWIE: So, Obi-Wan,
we meet again.

What part of,
"Stay 50 yards away

"at all times,"
don't you understand?

Uh-oh!

Your powers are weak,
old man.

CHRIS: Obi-Wan!

Boy, you got here
just in time.

No!

Right! Go! Go, go, go.

All right, twist it
counter-clockwise.

I am twisting it,
you're twisting
it the other way.

I mean counter-clockwise
from where I'm standing...
So then you...

So clockwise.
So, yeah! Okay,
all right.

Yeah, so
you twist it clockwise.

Okay. Go!
You know what?
Put it down.

Put it down for a sec.
My fingers
are killing me.

Han, they're
shooting at us.

All right, you know what?
Lift it up tall-ways.

For Christ's...
It's wedged. It's wedged.

All right, okay.
You know what?
It's not going anywhere.

Let's just take off,
we'll deal with it later.

You get in the cockpit,
and I'll just...

I'll hang onto
this thing as we go.

Easy!

I can't believe
he's gone.

I know, Luke,
but it's true, he's gone.

I mean,
you saw him get beheaded.

Nobody lives
through that.

Not for long anyway.

I mean, sometimes
the brain is still active

for a few minutes
after the beheading,

but to be honest,
I can't imagine
a worse kind of hell.

And unfortunately,
hell is probably
where he'll end up,

because
the Christians don't look

too kindly on
the whole Force thing.

Come on, kid,
we're not out
of the woods yet.

Here they come.

(HUMMING STAR WARS
BATTLE THEME)

Hey, Han!
What?

Why do they call
them TIE fighters?

No idea.

(SPEAKING THAI)

They're coming too fast!

A nickel for every time
I've had that problem.

Just keep shooting, Luke.

Yeah! That's how we do it
in my neighborhood, bitch!

I got him! I got him!

Right, kid. Don't get penisy.

I just want to tell
you both, good luck!

We're all
counting on you.

(EXHALES)

Mom? Yeah, we won.

Yeah, we won the battle.

Yeah, I'm calling,
like you asked.

Okay. Okay.

Okay, but I gotta go.

I got other stuff to do.

Okay. Okay,
but I gotta go. Okay.

Okay. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes,
Mom. I love you, too, Mom.

Okay. All right. Goodbye.

(EXHALES)

The Homing Beacon
is safely on board
the Millennium Falcon.

I'm taking
an awful risk, Vader.

It'd better work.

You know,
I think they
took your old couch.

What? I threw that away.

Yeah, it was weird.
I just killed Obi-Wan,
and then I look over

and there are these
two dudes scurrying
across with a couch.

It had a stain on it,
from when we had
Hawaiian Punch night.

Yeah, that's my couch.
Rebel scum.

(IMITATES LASER FIRING)

Gotcha!

Thanks to the information
in this R2 unit provided
by Princess Leia,

we should be able to mount
a successful offensive
on the Death Star.

But first, please take
a moment to watch
this instructional video.

Nothing but net.

Hi! I'm Magic Johnson
with a few tips on
blowing up the Death Star.

First off,
never forget your objective.

There are gonna
be so many folks

coming at you
to slow you down,

you might feel like you got
a bull's-eye on your head.

No, but they will be
trying to kill you.

Also, don't forget
you have teammates
out there watching your back.

Unless you've
been messing around

with their wife
or girlfriend.

No, but they will
be there to help you.

Lastly, you wanna make sure
you step back

and take cover after
you sink that bucket.

'Cause that sky
gonna light up
like the Fourth of July.

No, but there will
be a large explosion.

Any questions?

Yeah, I got a question.

Does Barry Manilow know
you raid his wardrobe?

You'll get
the answer to that question
next Saturday.

(SCOFFS)

Don't mess with the bull,
young man,
you'll get the horns.

Biggs? Jesus!

What the hell
happened to you?

Oh! Hey, Luke. I was
under a Y-wing working
on the space engine,

and the whole thing
just dropped on me.

Holy crap!

Yeah. Holy crap.

So, you here for
the Death Star assault?

Yeah, yeah,
I can't wait.

How about you?

Well, no,
I can't really...

Oh, yeah,
because of that...

The chair.
Chair, yeah.

Yeah, so
I'll just be here
making sandwiches

for when you guys
get back.

Oh...

Well, that's cool.

Yeah.

You want anything special?

What? You mean
like a sandwich?

Yeah.

Oh, no, I mean,
I couldn't...

You know, whatever
you make will be fine.

Hey, Biggs.
Yeah?

You're just as big
a part of this as...

I mean, you're doing stuff,
and I think that's great!

Well, kid,
I guess this is goodbye.

So, you got your reward
and you're leaving?
Is that it?

When you say it
that way, I sound like

a douche, but, yeah,
that's what I'm doing.

What did you get
for a reward, anyway?

Let's see.
I got 10% off
a Netflix membership,

some nice
Cracker Barrel Cheddar,

assorted lotions,

and a little plastic
champagne bottle
full of jelly beans,

and a little bear.
See? Little bear.

"Hey, Luke, we had
fun on the Death Star."

Well, take care
of yourself, Han.

I guess that's
what you're best at.

Oh, look!
A light saber cheese knife!

Yuck!

All wings, check in.

Red Three standing by.

Red Six standing by.

Red Five standing by.

Red Buttons standing by.

Redd Foxx standing by.

Big Red standing by.

SEAN CONNERY:
Red October standing by.

Helen Reddy standing by.

Simply Red standing by.

I'm going in.
Cover me, Porkins.

Having a little
trouble here.

Careful, Redd Foxx!

There's one
right on your tail.

I'm coming, Elizabeth!

HERBERT: Use the Force, Luke.

Obi-Wan?

Yeah, it's me. Use the Force.

Force that thing in there,
just like I showed you
with those puppets.

But don't tell nobody 'cause
you'll get in trouble.

Clark,
I don't like the look
of this neighborhood.

Come on, Ellen,
it's important
for the kids

to witness the plight
of the Rebellion.

Kids, you noticing
all this plight?

Roll 'em up!

The Force is
strong with this one.

(YELLING)

Fuck you,
you son of a bitch!

What am I, R2Pac?

COMPUTER: The Death Star
is getting closer.

And Leia's getting larger.

I have you now,
young Skywalker.

And with today's gas prices,
not a minute too soon.

What the deuce?

(WHOOPING)

Look at us.
Look at how much more

comfortable we are
now shooting stuff.

Whew!

HERBERT: Luke, the Force will
be with you always.

And so will I, always.

Of course when you
get older and get

some crow's feet,
I might lose interest.

(CROWD CHEERING)

You did it!

Yay!

Hooray!
I have your sandwich.

Yay! My what?
Oh! Thank you, Biggs.

Yay! I'm part of things,
too. Yay!

(ALL CHEERING)

The end.

(ALL CHEERING)

Wow, Dad, thanks for
keeping us entertained.

That was a great story.

Yeah, but didn't
Robot Chicken already
do this three months ago?

I wouldn't worry
about it, Chris.

I don't think
people are even aware
of that show's existence.

Well, I don't know, Dad.

I think a decent
number of people
watch it.

Oh, really?
Define "decent."

I think it's
the highest rated show
on Cartoon Network,

and the Star Wars episode
doubled that audience.

Well, yeah,
but double 10 people is,
like, 20 people,

so what kind of numbers
are we talking
about here, you know?

Don't be glib
about this stuff, Dad.
It's a legitimate show,

and they beat
you to the punch.

I don't know
about that, Chris.

I mean, to me,
a legitimate show
is on ABC, CBS, NBC,

you know,
one of the real networks.

I don't know
about that, Dad.

And besides,
what's up with that

15 minute runtime?
What is that?

That's like 15 minutes
of guys playing
with Star Wars dolls.

Oh, yay,
tune me in to that.

Oh, so you do
know the show!

I read part of
a review online.

I am not a fan.

You know, Dad,
you're a real jerk!

(HUMMING STAR WARS THEME)