Family Guy (1998–…): Season 4, Episode 26 - Petergeist - full transcript

Family Guy
"Petergeist"

Synchronisation by Kemar
Transcript by Raceman

We now return to JAG.

Harm, I found that evidence we need.

Now we can finally clear that
Chief Petty Officer of all charges...

Oh, what's the point?
Does anybody even watch this show?

Well, yeah, old people.

I mean, they, they,
don't really pay attention.

They just like the
noise and the company.

Hey, how you doing?

How's that hip doing there?



Remember the '40s?

Hey, everybody.

I'm just here to let y'all know that
movie night's been moved to Joe's place.

What? We always do it here.

Movie night at the
Griffin house is a tradition.

Yeah, but Joe just finished
putting in his new home theater.

It's going to be tight, y'all.

Oh, my God, Joe, how did you do this?

I built it myself with supplies I got
at the Home Supply downtown.

Between you and me, I think Joe's
got a little free time these days.

I hear he hasn't touched
Bonnie in months.

Peter, you just whispered that to me.

Here he is...
Joe, what a great job you've done here.

All right, let's get this started.



Thank you for choosing
Joe Swanson Theatres.

Rocky, please don't go to
Mars and fight the Martian.

I got to do what I got to do.

But there's no oxygen on Mars.

Yeah? That means there's
no oxygen for him, either.

That Martian wants a fight,
he'll get a fight.

You can't win, Rock!
You're 60 years old!

Hey, look what Rocky
bought me with his money.

Freakin' Joe with his home theater.
Has to top everything I do.

Well, tomorrow I'm going
to that home supply

and I'm going to build
an entire multiplex.

Well, let's just hope it looks
better than that balcony you built.

Boy, that was a great episode
of Lost, wasn't it, fellows?

Well, at least the show's
got the right name.

Yeah, I couldn't follow any of it.

They don't care for most things.

Can I help you?

Yeah, I hate my neighbor and I want
to build something crazy out of spite.

Well, I'll take you to our
"OneUpsmanship" aisle.

Man, this place has everything.

I bet you could even get
one of those gay mailboxes.

Hello, hello! Right here.
Yeah, just right here.

Just go ahead and put
that right in here. Yeah.

Gulp.
Just kidding.

Uh, pardon me.

I just bought a Rottweiler and I need a
sign to warn people how dangerous it is.

Well, we have exactly what...

Ah, yes, here it is, "one way. "

So people will know if
they step into my yard,

there's only one way out...

in a body bag...

from dog injuries.

Good day, ma'am.

This'll teach Joe to
steal my movie night.

I'm going to have my
own multiplex theater.

I haven't been this excited since
I learned how to speak Braille.

Hey, bump, bump,

no bump, bump, three vertical bumps,

four bumps and a square.

Yeah, I've heard they all look alike.

Hey, look what I found.

Wow, authentic Native American remains.

Peter, I'd put that back if I were you.

You may be disturbing
a sacred burial site.

Hey, look, it's Robin Williams.

Black preacher voice...

Gay Elmer Fudd.

Ah, the more you hear it,
the funnier it gets.

Want some more peas,
Chief Diamond Phillips?

Peter, I really think you should
put that back where you found it.

You know, Brian, I really don't think
you should breast-feed the skull.

- I'm not breast-feeding.
- All right, fine.

God, you're pushy.
Suck, suck, suck, suck, suck...

- So many nipples. Suck, suck, suck.
- Knock it off!

Oh, I'm Brian. I'm having sustenance.

Look at me, everybody. I'm breast-feeding
in public even though it's wrong.

And now back to 1943's
Fast Talking High Trousers.

- Well, isn't this a fine song and dance?
- What are you getting so hot about?

- Keep your shirt on.
- Where do you get off making remarks like that?

- Supposing I say you're a lunkhead?
- Well, I ain't much for supposing.

- Well, supposing you were?
- Maybe I'm through supposing and I fix to start figuring.

- Ah, horseradish.
- Aren't you a pocketful of firecrackers?

- Yeah? You got something to say about it?
- I'll say plenty.

I can't wait to see the expression on
Joe's legs when I open my multiplex.

I have to say I'm a little
concerned about the zoning for...

Peter, are you peeing in that skull?

No, Lois, I'm getting up
and walking all the way

to the bathroom and doing it there.

Pain in the ass.

This concludes our broadcast day.

The only time of the day I get to try
out my Fred Schneider B-52s voice.

Now try to get some sleep out there.

Not bad.

Getting better.

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Oh, you didn't see it? Uh...

Ross and Rachel got back
together. It wasn't that great.

- Holy crap!
- What the hell was that?

Stewie, what are you doing?

They're here.

- Who's here?
- The TV people.

What?

No, they did a spin-off.
He's still playing Joey,

but... eh, it's not doing so well.

Uh, Lois, have you, uh,

noticed some spooky things going on

ever since Peter brought
that skull into the house?

No. What are you talking about?

Well, like the whole business
last night with the TV.

I'm just saying maybe,
maybe we have a poltergeist.

Brian, there's no such thing as ghosts.

It's all just...

Oh, I must have accidentally stacked
all those things upside down

and then just forgot about it.
Yeah, that's probably what happened.

Well, I haven't seen this much denial
since John Travolta married Kelly Preston.

John, do you take
Kelly to be your wife?

I totally do. I mean,
yeah, yes. Absolutely.

And I'm going to do
stuff to her, too, like...

touch her.

Yeah, touch her and...

kiss her.

And touch her penis.

I mean, no, not that, not that.

Okay, okay, try to think of a
happy place to be. Happy place...

Um, okay, okay...

I'm on MTV's Jackass.

Hey, I'm Stewie Griffin,

and I'm going to be kicking
my dad's ass all day today.

What the hell?! Ah! Stewie!

Stop! Ah! Ah! Knock it off!

Knock it...! Ah! Ah!

Come on!

Come on, Stewie.

You're acting crazy out there, man.

I haven't seen anything
suck this much since...

I Heart Huckabees!

Propane.

I wish that scary-looking clown at
the end of my bed would go away.

Hey, skinny britches.

That there is my man.

Why don't you pick on
someone your own size?

You shall not pass.

Stewie?
Oh, my God, Stewie, honey!

Where are you?!

Peter, I can't find him anywhere.

- Mommy?
- Stewie?

Where are you?

Look behind you, you stupid cow!

Stewie?

Oh, my God! What's happening?

Oh, wait, hold on a second.
I want to try something.

I... remember

I remember the worry, worry

How could I ever forget

The hurt doesn't show

but the pain still grows

No stranger to you and me

Thank you for coming.

We've never hired a
spiritual medium before,

but I'll do anything
to get my baby back.

You know, Peter, we wouldn't have
to be messing around with ghosts

if you hadn't desecrated
those Indian remains.

Probably a bad time to mention I'm
wearing the skull as an athletic cup.

Okay, let's talk to some spirits.

Hey, how y'all ghosts doing?

Y'all got a little friend of
ours named Stewart up there.

We was just wondering
if you could send him back.

Uh-huh.

Well, yes, but I...

Well, I don't see how that's
anybody's business but my own.

Well, how about you and my father
go and hang out at the gun range

some afternoon and you can spend the
whole day just agreeing with each other.

What are they saying?
Is my baby all right?

They said that your baby had entered
their world through the closet upstairs

and that the exit is...

Well, I don't know
how else to say this, but...

the exit is your daughter's bum.

Meg's ass!

You ready down there?

Okay, Meg, if this works, then we might
just have a chance at getting Stewie back.

- Are you ready?
- No.

- Ready!
- Okay, here we go.

- Got it!
- Cool!

- Ass ball!
- Peter, it worked!

We found the portal to the other side.

Peter, what the hell
are you doing up there?

We're gonna get those terrorists.

Now watch this drive.

Stewie?! Stewie, if you can
hear me head for Meg's butt!

Have you lost your mind?

And, Lois, get ready to laugh.
Get ready to laugh.

Gee, must've taken a
wrong turn at Albuquerque.

Are you sure Stewie
can find his way out?

We just got to be patient, Lois,

like waiting on the
results of a blood test,

a real important blood test.

Will I ever see my baby brother again?

Only if he can find his
way into the light, Chris.

For some people, it's easier than others.

Some people just get lost
on the way to the light.

They're walking along,
they stop and say,

"Ooh, is that a new restaurant?"

"That place must've just opened up. "

Cause I remember there was
another place there a few weeks ago.

I went in there once and there was
a guy with a harelip eating soup,

and I was like, "Ew... '"

It wasn't the restaurant's fault, I know.
But I still never went back there.

I mean, I guess there's only,
like, a one in 50 chance

of me getting the same
spoon that he had,

but I still don't like them odds.

Oh, I can't bear this anymore!

If Stewie can't find his
way out of Meg's ass,

we have to enter the other
realm and get him ourselves.

Lois, I told you it ain't safe.

I'll tell you what's not safe:
going hunting with Dick Cheney.

So you all set to go hunting?

Sorry, I thought you were a deer.

- Be careful, Lois.
- I will, Peter.

I don't feel anything!

Now she knows how I felt
when I was at her piano recital.

No, you're doing fine, Meg.

Stewie, you're all right!

Oh, thank God you guys are... ew!
You're covered in slime.

Ugh! This must be how Tom Arnold
felt on his wedding night.

Holy crap! Let's get out of here.

Wait a minute. Where's Meg?

- I don't know.
- I didn't see her.

Yeah, I kind of thought you
guys would attend to that.

Peter, you got to go back and get her.

Oh, yeah, right, like
I'm going back for Meg.

- Peter!
- Lois, damn it, we both agreed, remember?

If we could only save two, we leave Meg.

- I know, but...
- You bastard!

How could you leave me in there?!

Okay, see? It resolved itself.

Oh, I forgot one thing.

A bit of breaking news. A local family
is forced out of their home by ghosts.

Who are they gonna call?

Ghostbusters, Tom?

No, Diane, their insurance company.

That's just stupid what you said.

And now back to Disney's Too
Many Ostriches starring Don Knotts.

There's way too many ostriches.

Why there's so many ostriches?

The brochure said there'd
only be a few ostriches.

This is a terrible vacation!

So, what was it like
on the other side?

- Well, I met Jesus up there.
- Wow, what's he like?

Uh, believe it or not, he's Chinese.

- Really?
- Yup, Jesus is Chinese.

In fact, his last name is Hong.

Jesus Hong.

Says he has no idea where
people are getting "Christ. "

Quagmire, you got to help us.

We pissed off a bunch of ghosts,

and now our house is gone
and we got no place to stay.

Uh, Peter, this is the best time.

Glenn, are you coming?

Yeah, honey, I'll be right there.

I'll be right there.

Peter, I'm really slammed right now.
Can you give me the short version?

Uh, what, uh...

- What's going on in there?
- Nothing.

So, as you can see, my family's here.

and, uh, it's game night.

We're playing...

sex.

Ugh, a soup kitchen, Dad?

Isn't there any other place we can go?

We're homeless, Meg.
This is where homeless people go.

Well, it'll just be good
to get some food in us.

Hi, welcome to the soup kitchen.

I'll just start you off with this basket
of pizza crusts and apple cores.

Oh, and we do have one special today.

It's an avocado pit with a
little bit of avocado still on it,

and that comes on a ripped
pair of boxer shorts.

Now, I'm trying to decide between
the tossed spaghetti on a newspaper

and the half yogurt with
the balled-up tissue in it.

Hi, there. Do you have any
books on how to get rid of ghosts?

Have you tried telling them
you're ready for a commitment?

- Like a relationship.
- Exactly.

That'll send them running, huh?

I like her.

Here you go. Maybe this'll help.

All right, here it is.

"To vanquish poltergeists, one
must restore all disturbed remains"

"to their original resting places. "

So, all we got to do is bring
the skull back home and bury it.

What are you doing?

You said you were using
the skull as an athletic cup.

I was, but don't you remember,
I threw it in the garbage?

So, you're not wearing it now?

No. That's, uh, pretty much
just me you're grabbing.

That's how my old
scoutmaster shakes hands.

- Ew, that is vile.
- I know, I hate myself, but it's so good.

- Can I help you folks find something?
- No, we're just browsing.

God, I hate it when they
pester you like that.

Peter! Yes, we need help.

We're looking for a skull
that my husband threw away.

A skull, huh?
Then you want the human remains bin.

But I should warn you folks,
we're pretty cleaned out right now,

'cause Carrot Top comes by every
morning to rummage for new props.

Well, then we'll just have
to pay this Carrot Top a visit.

He's funny.

Except for that one show he did in Ohio
after the airline lost his luggage.

Ladies and gentlemen, Carrot Top!

All right, you guys
look like a good crowd!

I hope it goes well,
'cause I don't have my prop trunk.

I normally have, like,
a case with all my...

little props and gadgets
and what not, but...

it's okay, you can use your imagination,
like maybe a piece of luggage,

that shoots dog biscuits, so, like,
if you had, like, weed in your bag

and you went to the airport,
you could shoot the dog biscuits out,

and then, the drug dog would be...

would go away from your bags, kind of...

if you can imagine the dog...

the dog...

Man, it's a lot funnier
if I had my prop.

Well, there it is:

Carrot Top Manor.

So, you having a good time
there, Chief Diamond Phillips?

Oh, that's funny, he came up with the
same thing that... All right, Carrot Top!

- I want that skull.
- Who the hell are you?

I'm Peter Griffin,
and that skull belongs to me.

Well, it's hardly
just a skull, Mr. Griffin.

I put it on my head,
and it's a skull cap!

Put it with David Duchovny,
and it's Agent Skully.

You got to appreciate that...
Hey, don't distract me.

Now, hand it over, Mr. Top.

Very well, Mr. Griffin, I'll give you the
skull, but you have to catch me first!

Looks like you found me, Mr. Griffin.

But which one of us is the
real king of prop comedy

and not just an illusion, huh?

That's right, Mr. Griffin,
just a little further.

Sucker.

What the hell?
How'd you get through the trap door?!

- I found this saw with glasses on it.
- Oh, that's my see-saw.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

You are so ***** funny!

You are so ***** you for being so funny!

Oh, my God!

Oh, God. You know what?
Here, here, just, you know what?

Keep it. Keep it. You deserve it.

Just take it.

No, no, I need it. I need it.

Well, Chief, time for you to go
back where you came from.

Peter, you did it.

What the hell?

Oh, Peter, I'm so proud of you.

Once again, you brought our
family to the edge of the abyss,

and at the very last minute,
you saved us all.

- I love you, honey.
- And I've grown fond of you, Lois.

Let's go home.

Synchronisation by Kemar
Transcript by Raceman