Family Guy (1998–…): Season 4, Episode 25 - You May Now Kiss the... Uh... Guy Who Receives - full transcript

"You May Now Kiss The...
Uh... Guy Who Receives"

Synchronisation by Kemar
Transcript by Raceman

Oh, Brian, we're so thrilled
your gay cousin Jasper

finally decided to come visit.

Me, too. It's been way too long.

- Anyway, thanks for putting him up.
- No problem, Brian.

It's great to have visitors.

Except for that time
Moby Dick stayed with us.

Do you have any Raisin Bran?

Uh... oh, no. Sorry.

Can you go get me some?



Uh... boy, that's kind of a pain in the...

Well, we do have...

we got Total, and we got some
raisins. I mean, you could,

like, mix those together. It'd be...
it'd be kinda like Raisin Bran.

Yeah, but it's not.

It'd be like Raisin Bran,
but it's not Raisin Bran.

That'd be like Total with raisins in it.

It's not really doing it for me.

What time did you say your flight was?

Oh, no locks.
Thank you, Homeland Security.

Hey, bud, take a break.
I'll take over. Go smoke a fatty.

Thanks.

This is Sierra Tango 817,
Matthew McConaughey's private jet,

requesting permission to land.



Matthew McConaughey?

Oh, sorry, Sierra Tango 817.
All our runways are filled.

But it looks empty from up here.
We're almost out of fuel.

No, no. No room at all.
But, lucky for you, there's

a big new airport out in
the middle of the ocean.

- Keep going. You can't miss it.
- Roger that.

Oops! Well, look at it this way.

I just got you on next
year's Oscar telecast.

You'll be right after Ron Howard!

Just messing with you, Ron.

Or maybe not!

No, seriously, I am.

Or am I?!

No.

- Oh, there's Jasper's plane.
- Where?

Third one in line.

Oh, it's one of those
new "niche" airlines.

Hey, cousin!

Hey, Jasper!

Everybody, this is Ricardo, from
the Philippines and my kitchen floor.

How was your flight?

Oh, torture!

Five hours on my moneymaker,
sitting across

from a gaggle of sailors
flying home on leave,

here I am in a committed relationship,

and all I can think about is
having a piece of Navy cake.

Hello. Who's that on the phone?
Temptation!

How does he always get
my number? I don't know.

Anyway, I got big news,
and I'll tell you over dinner.

Greek. On me.
But enough about last weekend.

Oh, I'm terrible!

Ugh! This idiot will fit in
with our family as badly as

Peter fit in with The Proclaimers.

But I would walk 500 miles

And I would walk 500 more

Just to be the man who
walked a thousand miles

To fall down at your door

I'm singing! I'm singing!

Hey, Chris, this field trip is your
chance, man. Alyssa's all alone.

She's so pretty that, if your
hacky sack were my private parts,

I'd let her do that to them.

What? Kick them around?

Um... wait.

Yes.

Welcome, citizens.

Today we commemorate those
brave Quahog soldiers who perished

in the recent Gulf conflict.

I can think of no greater
tribute to their memories

than this solid gold statue

of Dig 'Em, the Sugar Smacks frog.

The spirit of America is epitomized
by his inspiring motto:

"Smack, smack, Sugar Smack. "

"Gimme a smack,
and I'll smack you back. "

I'd also like to take this opportunity
to announce extreme budget cutbacks

having almost nothing to
do with this solid-gold statue.

Have you ever seen such a
waste of the taxpayers' money?

You're talking to me!

This is more exciting than that time
me and my friends did mushrooms.

This is gonna be awesome!

You said it.

Man, you guys feel anything yet?

I feel kinda funny.

- I got a bellyache.
- We shouldn'ta did this, man.

Lois, darling, those
earrings are delicious.

Total kitsch.
Like an Andy Warhol wet dream.

I'm opening a museum and putting
you in it, they're that fabulous.

You think it's clever talking like
that, do you? You think it's funny?

Talking about earrings,
and using words like

"fabulous" and "delicious" and "wet. "

Oh, what's next? A workout
followed by a romp

around a crowded room
while the music goes...

Oh, why did you stop?

Hey, Jasper, let me ask you something.
When you're in the shower at the "Y,"

is that just like Supermarket Sweep

for you guys, or is there
some kind of etiquette?

Peter, stop it. God! You're
more clueless than Popeye.

Sir, I think you should know
these growths on your forearms

they're giant tumors.

Yeah, I'm surprised you haven't realized

this is not how a human
being is supposed to look.

And the speech thing, and what
you're doing with your eye...

uh, you had a stroke
about seven years ago.

That you've managed to be
walking around all this time

is nothing short of a miracle.

I'd say about two months.

Okay, all right, time for
the big announcement.

Everyone, Ricardo and I
are getting married!

Oh, that is terrific! It's about
time you two settled down.

Oh, you hear that, Meg? Guys can
marry other guys now. So... um...

this is awkward, but, uh...
I mean, if they can do that,

that's pretty much it for you, isn't it?

I mean, you might as well
pack it in. Game over.

Alyssa, hi.

I was wondering if maybe you wanted to

- do something sometime?
- Sure, Chris.

I have a Young Republicans meeting
after school. You wanna come?

Sure. What do you do at a
Young Republicans meeting?

We help those who already have
the means to help themselves.

Also, we perpetuate the
ideal that Jesus chose America

to destroy nonbelievers
and brown people.

I don't understand what you're
saying, but somehow I feel safer.

Karl, this is Chris.
He wants to join our club.

Karl is our chancellor.

Well, Chris, we'd be happy to have you.

There's just one
little rite of initiation.

Oh, this is one fine day to be nude

Yeah, this is one
fine day to be nude

The birds are saying
"Clinton, have a wonderful spring"

And people walking by
can stop and look at my thing

Oh, this is one fine day...

Liberal chubby chaser!

Well, if you can't laugh at yourself...

I'm here at the parking lot outside
City Hall, where hundreds of citizens

have come out in protest
of the Mayor's decision

to spend the town's
treasury on a gold frog.

I don't like it. And I don't like
the contraction, apostrophe E-M.

As far as I'm concerned,
his name is "Dig Them. "

You're not welcome here, Dig Them.

I stand behind my decision.
This press conference is over.

I can't see you now. I can't hear
you now. You're not here now.

Well, there you have it.
Back to you, Tom.

Thanks, Tom. Some damn
fine reporting. Damn fine. Diane?

Well, it's encouraging
to know that I'm not

the only Mayor West
who's facing difficulties.

But what I need now
is a diversion. Let's see.

Jingle keys.

My God! I'm a tomato!

And now back to The Sound of Music.

Oh, thank heaven.
The Von Trapp family escaped!

- Reverend Mother, I have sinned.
- What is this sin, my child?

- Oh, well. No harm done.
- I too have sinned, Mother.

- Oh, my God! That's Rolfe!
- What the hell is wrong with you?

Hey, I didn't start
this war, but it's on!

Oh, Lois, there you are.

Listen, Ricardo and I want to thank you
for letting us have the wedding here.

You're having the wedding here?

Yeah. I hope that's okay, Lois.
I offered them the house.

Sure. No problem.

Hey, McButt the Crime Dog,

I heard you and your little chew toy
getting it on last night. Keep it down.

Sorry, little man.
Ricardo and I were playing Clue,

and he got me in the
bedroom with a lead pipe.

Peter, I'm not sure I'm comfortable
having this wedding at the house.

Lois, I don't know what the
big deal is. So they're gay.

It's not like we're gonna have a
gay sex orgy in the living room.

That's not what I'm talking about.

I've got nothing against
homosexuals. I mean,

I'll watch anything
with David Schwimmer.

But the idea of two men
actually getting married.

It just doesn't seem right.

Hey, I say who cares, you know?

If gays wanna get married and be

miserable like the rest of us,
I say we should let 'em.

Oh, no!

- What's wrong?
- Look.

Some breaking news today when
Mayor West announced he will sign

a citywide ban on gay
marriages next week.

While controversial, it has
nonetheless effectively distracted

all of us from the Dig 'Em fiasco.

- The what?
- I don't know. Something about a lizard.

And now this.

Look at that.

In the '30s, they called this
an Uncle Spinny Dervish.

- Really?
- I don't know. I'm just bored.

A ban on gay marriage?!
Oh, my God!

Matthew McConaughey?

Yeah. I'm looking for
a guy named Stewie.

Chris, grab his legs.
I gotta bury this thing.

- But I.
- Grab his legs!

I can't believe the wedding's off.

All I ever wanted was to get married
and make a home with a skinny,

hairless Filipino boy.
Isn't that the American dream?

Don't give up yet, Jasper.

Mayor West only banned
gay marriage so

he could distract from the Dig 'Em scandal.

He won't get away with it.

Ah, Jasper, where'd you
get these brownies?

They're from a bakery in
the West Quahog gay district.

I thought they'd help my depression.

Oh, I can see why.

Oh, my God, they pack
so much fudge into these.

And look at this, there's even
a couple of nuts lodged in there.

I'm going upstairs.

I've got to do something.

Jasper's always been there
for me when I've needed him.

I am going to make
Mayor West change his mind.

But, Brian, the Bible says gay
marriage is an abomination.

Oh, don't give me that
Young Republican crap, Chris.

The Bible also says a
senior citizen built an

ark and rounded up two of every animal.

What the hell is this?

you didn't really give any
specific guidelines about mating.

- Did you name it?
- What?

- Did you name it?
- Uh, yeah, he's Paul.

Yeah, it's going to be a hell
of a lot harder for you now,

'cause he's going the **** overboard.

Hi, Glenn.

Hey, will you sign a petition to overturn
Mayor West's ban on gay marriage?

Gay marriage?
Oh, come on,

two halves can't make
a whole without a hole.

You get off my property, you pervert.

Uh, Mr. Bottomtooth, would
you like to sign the petition?

Uh, I don't...

wha-wha-what's the problem?

Uh, okay. Thank you.

Chris, did you hear?
Some dog is going around town

trying to get support for gay marriage.

Oh, that's Brian. He's got a petition.

Really? Chris, you've got
to destroy that petition.

Why?

Because if you do, I'll
let you touch my boobs.

Is... is that good?

- Do I want that?
- Oh, yeah, you want that.

Well, fantastic then.

How can I help you, Mrs. Griffin?

Well, I'm having a bit of a crisis.

I'm a very open-minded person,

and I've never had any
problem with gays before, but

something about two gay people getting
married, I just don't think it's right.

Well, these questions are too big
to be decided by human beings.

Which is why God made this film.

You know, there's been a lot
of talk lately about homosexuals,

but how do you know what to believe?

Well, here are a few tips
that may help you tell

when you've got a gay.

So what's your favorite Madonna album?

I like her early work.

If his answer is anything but

"I've never bought one,"

you've got a gay.

Let's take a blood sample, Mr. Braga.

If instead of human blood,

you find a deadly corrosive acid,

you've got a gay.

Not this time, Nancy boy.

Wow, that was interesting.

I also have My Giant with Billy Crystal.

Oh, God, no, no.

Well, we almost have enough signatures,
thanks to Ouahog's gay district.

Lois, how'd you like to be
signature number 10,000?

Brian, I can't sign this.

Why not?

Well, because I don't
believe in gay marriage.

You don't believe...?

Lois, that's ridiculous. Gay people
have every right to get married.

Well, they certainly have every
right to be together, but marriage

should be between a man and a woman.

Well, that's not how they
do it in West Quahog.

By the way, Lois, I got
a piercing over there.

I'm not going to tell you
where, but I'll give you a hint.

It wasn't my nose or my ear
and it was one of my balls.

Well, regardless of what you think,

this is going to change
Mayor West's mind,

and we are going to have
Jasper's wedding here.

Fine. Then until this is all over,
I'll stay somewhere else.

Come on, Stewie, we're going
to Grandma and Grandpa's.

Fine I'll go, but I'm not
missing that gay wedding.

I still kick myself for missing
that Topless Cheerleader Parade

with the hundred-foot
chocolate teddy bear

and the F-16s doing aerial acrobatics
choreographed to the music of Queen.

Oh, I remember that day.

Should have gone to that thing.

My petition!
What the hell are you doing?

I'm going to get to touch
right-wing boob because of this.

You idiot! Now I'm going to have
to get 10,000 more signatures

before tomorrow morning.
What were you thinking?!

You don't understand, Brian.

When was the last time you
were even with a woman?

Uh... when did the Challenger blow up?

'86.

Yeah, it was like
three years before that.

Mayor West, here's the gay
marriage ban for your approval.

Excellent.
This is so important,

I'm going to sign it with all
capital letters. it's going to say,

"ADAM WEST."

That's what it's going
to say, you'll see.

Hey, buddy, you can't go in there.

Mayor West, you have to look at this.

10,000 signatures.

I've been up for 24 hours,
I paid off a few people

and I did a few things in
West Quahog I'm not proud of.

So, it's a show about three
hookers and their mom?

This is very impressive,

but my decision stands.

No!

Come on, buddy, you're leaving.

No, I can't let Jasper down.

I'm not going to let you sign that.

Go on, get out of here.

I should warn you,

I have a tiny bullet-proof
shield the exact size of a bullet

somewhere on my body.
And if you hit it,

I'll be unharmed and
your plan will be foiled.

You'll be the laughingstock of me.

I don't want to shoot you, Mayor West.

Good, because I'm incredibly crafty.

Hey, what's that on the ceiling?

Now I'm over here.

Look, this has gotten
out of hand, I know.

I don't want anyone to get hurt.

You can put an end to this right now
by tearing up that gay marriage ban.

You won't break me.
15 years ago I swallowed

everything I needed to
escape from a hostage situation.

A wall!

Well, no matter. I'm prepared
for a lengthy captivity as well.

I swallowed this People magazine in 1989.

All right, Paul Hogan, tell me
about the real Crocodile Dundee.

It's so nice to have you home, dear.

I can take it or leave it.

God, this is such an old
people house, you know.

I mean, look at this candy jar.

Let's take a look in here.
Let's see what you got here.

You got, uh...

Oh, you got licorice.

Oh, that's, uh, that's, uh...
Oh, Freedent.

Oh, that's good.

Yeah, yeah, I got a sweet tooth,
I think I'll have some Freedent.

Oh, what's this?
Oh, a cough drop.

A Luden's cough drop.
Is that candy?

No, I don't think that's candy.
I think it's a cough drop!

Uh, what else we got?
Oh, look, look at this.

There's a fishing lure in here.

There's a fishing lure in the candy jar.

What, am I supposed to eat this?

Eat a fishing lure?

Hey, look, Brian's on TV.

And now, some Channel 5
exclusive footage of the

crazed homosexual gunman
who's taken Mayor West hostage.

Oh, my God! Brian's taken
the Mayor hostage?!

Is this an eyeglass lens?

I didn't realize how
strongly he feels about this.

Gay marriage. Next thing you
know, they'll want to vote.

Oh, oh, look at this.
A spare key

for a Volkswagen Scirocco.

They don't even make this anymore.

They don't even make this car anymore.

Whose key could this possibly be?

What if Brian's right? I mean,

certainly the love between a man and
a woman should be sacred, but...

Who's talking about love?
We're talking about marriage.

Well, don't you love Mom?

Come on, Lois, look at her.

So two straight people who hate each
other have more of a right to be together

than two gay people who love each other?

That's what we raised you to believe.

Oh, my God!
I've made a terrible mistake!

I've been brainwashed
like Elizabeth Smart.

It's so wonderful having her home again.

She's brought music back into the
house. Playing songs on the harp.

Of course, most of them are
about rape, but it's still nice.

I think I made Brian crazy.

Maybe I shouldn't have
burned that petition.

Oh, no, Chris, you did the right thing.

It's only a matter of time
before Mayor West signs

that bill, and you'll
get to touch these.

Oh, boy, I got a feeling that
before the end of the day,

I'm going to be burying my dog.

Whoa, whoa, I said you could
touch my boobs. Let's start with that.

Look, Peter, if you can't
get Brian to come out

peacefully, we're going to
have to take him down.

Don't worry, Joe, I'm
good with tight situations.

Like when I saved Luke Skywalker's life.

Okay, Luke,

this will keep you warm
until I get the shelter built.

- You sure this is okay?
- Yeah, you're just cutting into the fat.

All right, Brian, Peter's coming in.

I'll relax him by using my catchphrase.

Hey, whassa happa witchu?

- What the hell was that?
- My catchphrase.

You don't have a catchphrase.

Why you gotta sayya like a-dat?

Excuse me.

Would anyone like to play
Stratego? I have Stratego.

Peter, I never meant for this to happen.

This whole situation is
totally spiraled out of control.

Brian, listen to me.

I was wrong. If two
people love each other,

they should have the
right to get married.

But you have to come
down and give yourself up.

If you drag this out any longer,
you're only hurting your own cause.

She's right.

I'm sorry, Mayor West.

Well, you were only doing what
you thought was right, Brian.

And, hey, you've distracted
everyone from the Dig 'Em statue,

so I guess we don't
need this bill anymore.

Evera-bodah ha-ppy!

Well, it sure was nice of Mayor West
to drop the kidnapping charges.

Amazing. All he asked for in return
was the key to a Volkswagen Scirocco.

You're welcome.

Listen, Lois, I...

I really appreciate you
putting your discomfort aside,

so we can have the wedding here.

Please, I'm over all that now.

Two men getting married
doesn't bother me in the least.

They deserve happiness.

Everybody gay!

Synchronisation by Kemar
Transcript by Raceman