Family Guy (1998–…): Season 4, Episode 27 - Untitled Griffin Family History - full transcript
When burglars break into the house, the Griffins take cover in the attic, where Peter tells them about their family history.
Family guy
"Untitled Griffin Family History"
Synchronisation by Kemar
Transcript by Raceman
- Peter, did you brush your teeth?
- Nah.
- Peter, brush your teeth.
- I don't want to.
- Peter, brush your teeth.
- No, it's stupid.
Well, I guess we're going to
have to do this the hard way.
- No!
- Open your mouth.
Show me your teeth!
Peter, did you hear that?
Oh, my God, there are men
breaking into our house.
Dad, what is it?
What's going on?
I heard a noise.
Is somebody downstairs?
Oh, God, Meg, you startled me.
I'm sorry.
What the hell's your
problem, you dumbass?
What the deuce is all the commotion?
Quick, everyone get in the attic.
Peter, what is that?
Well, I got the idea
to build a panic room
after I saw that movie
The Butterfly Effect.
I thought, "Wow, this is terrible.
I wish I could escape to a place
where this movie couldn't find me,"
- and then...
- What the hell are we waiting for?!
These monitors are for
watching the house.
See, there's Stewie's room,
Chris' room, Meg's room...
Peter, there's no phone in here.
How are we going to call the police?
Oh, my God, we're all going to die!
That's not true. We'll survive
by eating each other.
But I think it's important for
the last one of us left alive
to know this story.
The story of the Griffin family history.
Here's how it all began.
Everything started with the big bang.
It was a Saturday night
and God and his roommate
Chugs were arm wrestling.
You're going down, man.
Oh, dude, that is sick.
Undefeated!
Oh, wait, wait, here comes another one.
Quick, give me your lighter.
Then over millions of years
evolution took its course.
Of course, I'm obligated
by the State of Kansas
to present the church's alternative
to the theory of evolution.
After that, a meteor hit the Earth
turning it into a block
of ice for some reason,
but then it thawed and cavemen came.
Why Peter look sad?
Brian, Peter invent wheel.
Peter show wheel to people in town,
but no one want wheel.
Everyone excited about trapezoid.
No one buy wheel.
Peter, you invent wheel?
That big breakthrough.
This maybe make you millionaire.
Then how come no one buy Peter wheel?
Maybe sales pitch not good enough.
Brian help.
Okay, sell wheel just like practice.
- Not sure can do it.
- You so money. Don't know it.
Hi, me Peter.
Tired walking everyplace?
Need something make you go?
Peter wheel make you go.
Maybe Joe want try wheel on chair.
For last time, Joe no want.
Brian, Peter fail again.
Not so fast.
Brian have other idea.
Anyone buy wheel get dead bird.
Not working.
Try drastic measure.
Brian, what hell?!
Hot lady next to wheel...
make me want wheel.
Maybe if me buy wheel,
me get pretty lady, too.
I buy wheel.
People want Peter wheel
thanks to sexy wife.
Tonight you and me party like it's 9.
Damn all.
What deuce?
Victory's Stewie's.
There have been many great
Griffins through out history,
including Moses Griffin who
led the Jews out of Egypt.
All right, it's going to be
a long journey everyone,
but I will lead you to freedom.
Now, Jews, ho!
Here we are, the Red Sea.
Now, we got to do is swim across.
- I didn't bring my trunks.
- I don't want to step on on a shell.
- I can't get water in my ears.
- I ate 20 minutes ago.
You know, what they flush
in Cairo ends up right here.
All right, I'll see what I can do.
Oh, I can part the Red Sea.
You know he hasn't talked
to his brother in three years.
All right, listen up.
Before we go any further,
I'm going to lay down
a few rules, all right?
Commandment number one:
"Shut the hell up. "
Commandment number two: "There's
nothing I can do about the sun. "
Commandment number three:
"There are no more Jolly Ranchers,
they're all gone. "
Commandment number four:
"When we pass a billboard,
please don't read it out loud. " All
right? Now, come on, let's get going.
Ooh, look at that.
"Danny Gans, Entertainer of the Year. "
What did I say?!
- "Hassle Free Checking. "
- Damn it!
- "Mancow in the Morning. "
- Shut up!
Peter, can we stop the
stories for a minute?
We need to figure out
how we're going to survive.
I mean, is there even any food in here?
Right, good thinking.
Meg, go get us some sandwiches.
Wait a minute, that's a great idea.
If Meg can get through the vent,
- she can sneak out and go get help.
- Dad, I can't go through the vent.
Yeah, she's right. We need to grease
her up so she doesn't get stuck.
Everybody spit on Meg.
Stop! Stop!
Stop! Okay! Okay!
I meant I can't do it because
there are burglars down there.
Come on, they're not going to
touch you. You're covered with spit.
Be careful, Meg.
I hate you all!
I hate you, too, bitch.
Oh, no, no, I'm just kidding.
Can you imagine?
You think Meg made it through the vent?
Well, let's find out.
Oh, there she is.
She's in the kitchen.
Hey, Meg.
I see you there in the kitchen.
Put my sandwich on
whole wheat please.
No, no, no, don't use that mustard.
Use the other mustard.
Oh, God, Meg, they know you're there.
Quick, scrape that mustard off.
Use the other mustard!
Oh, no. The burglars got my baby.
I think they're making a
sign to tell us something.
Better not be using my crayons...
mixing 'em up.
"We have your son"?
Meg's our daughter.
Peter, do something!
You know, Meg being captured by
evil men reminds me of another story.
It's distracting.
Um...
This is the story of my
ancestor Nate Griffin.
Of course, Nate Griffin
was his slave name.
His real name was Richard Bachman.
And this is the story of his roots.
It all began in Africa in the
tiny village of Quahog-swana
where he was a proud member
of the tribe of Tootie-an-Blair.
Hey, Quagdingo, how was
your date last night?
Oh, it was awesome. You never
feel as big as you do with a pygmy.
Hey, you guys want to
go get a drink at Club 227?
Not today, Joemama.
I'm going off to find a log
to build a drum so I can play the
opening part from "Hot For Teacher. "
I'll see you guys later.
Coming up in this half hour,
flies on your face
how many is too many?
But first, that orange thing in the sky
and what you can do to please it.
You know, you shouldn't be
poking around out here.
White men have been spotted nearby
laying traps and forming
slow-pitch softball leagues.
Well, whatever makes them happy.
Live and let live, that's what I say.
And I'm sure that's what they say, too.
Hello. I'm Cleveland
from South Carolina.
Wow, you're a different color than me.
Would you like to be equals?
Hey, Quagdingo, you want
to play I-Spy again?
- No!
- I spy something beige.
- Wood.
- Yeah.
Hello and welcome to the
news at what I suspect is dawn.
Our top story continues to be
where is this giant canoe heading?
But first let's go to Ollie Williams
with the port side window report.
- Ollie?
- I saw a fish!
Thanks, Ollie.
And now sleep.
Hey, guys, one of my cuffs is loose.
If we can break out of here,
I've got an idea
how to give the captain of
this boat what he deserves.
Hey, where's the captain?
I don't know.
I haven't seen him all morning.
Are you ready for the summer?
Are you ready for the sunshine?
Are you ready for the birds
and bees, the apple trees
And a whole lot of swimming to do?
This is going to be
the best summer ever.
And it was.
But Nate soon found himself put
to work on a Southern plantation.
It was way down there. You know,
when you stop seeing Howard Johnson's
and you start seeing Stuckey's.
Anyway, it was a horrible place
where they took away everybody's
African names and gave them new names.
- What's you name?
- Tobi with an "I."
With an accent over the "I,"
and a little lineover
the "O" so you know
it's a long vowel sound
and not a short one.
And sometimes I like
to dot the "I" with a
little smiley face or
a heart or something.
Something to brighten the reader's day.
I asked you what your name was.
Honey, you keep that up
it's what every you want it to be.
Of course, back then the South was
a very different place than it is today.
A backward place where
they didn't believe in science
and hated others just
for being different.
Time has a way of changing
a place and its people.
Excuse me. Hi. Yeah...
Is there like a human resources
guy we could talk to?
I have a work-related grievance.
What?
The quarters are too crowded,
the hours are long and...
you know, I don't like
to be "this guy," but...
a couple of the overseers
have been making racial slurs.
And then, all of a sudden, he saw her.
Lois-Laura-Bush-Lyn-Cheney
Pewterschmidt,
the plantation owner's daughter.
Of course, ordinarily black guys
aren't attracted to white women,
but she was something different.
As a poet might say,
she was the kind of woman you just
want to have sex with over and over.
With the kind of breasts
you just want to
push together so she
looks like a cross-eyed torso.
He knew he had to have her.
Is someone there?
- Lois!
- Who are you?
Hi. I'm Nate Griffin. I work
against my will for your dad.
Oh, yeah? Well, what do you do?
Well, let's just say I know
my way around a hoe.
And, from the moment that piece
of off-color blue comedy was uttered,
their lives were changed forever.
- You wanna do it?
- You bet your sweet black ass I do.
So, for the next 15 years,
they raised a family in secrecy.
Supper's ready!
Come and get it, kids!
You know the best part about
being half black and half white?
When I grow up, I'll be
accepted by everybody.
- Daddy!
- Just as I thought!
Lois, how in God's name, could
you embarrass the family like this?
Sitting right here.
Daddy, you're the embarrassment.
Nate and I love each other!
Tell it to the authorities,
because you're all going to jail!
Run!
And so they set off on
their escape to the north.
Luckily, they were helped by
Nate's good friend, Al Cowlings,
who showed up on his
trusty white bronco.
But the law was hot on their trail.
Well, we're getting a good view
of the chase from up here, Tom.
That's right, Diane. We're looking
at Nate Griffin and Al Cowlings
the man we believe to be Al Cowlings.
We'll stay with the chase.
Uh... it seems like a futile
effort on their part, Diane.
At some point, that horse is going
to have to stop and eat some grain.
But luck was on their side and
eventually, they made it to the north.
After that, Nate devoted his life
to getting back at the white man
for the injustice of slavery,
by inventing the
Department of Motor Vehicles.
- Sir, did you fill out the 1170?
- I think I did.
- Did you fill out the 1170?
- I filled this out.
That's the 1190. You're gonna
have to go stand in the blue line.
- I was already in that line.
- Sir, don't get snippy with me.
- I've been here all morning.
- That is not my prerogative, sir.
I wait in one line,
they send me to another line...
You can always call
to make an appointment.
The line's always busy!
That's ridiculous.
- Wait in the appointment line.
- I know! I don't want to wait!
I haven't got all day!
You're going to have to
take that somewhere else.
You know what? I'm on break.
Peter, enough with the storytelling.
We gotta get outta here!
They're gonna kill Meg!
Oh, yeah? Over Meg's dead body.
Hey! A flare gun.
Good idea, Peter.
If we angle it through the vent, we
might be able to alert the authorities.
- Oh, my God! We're gonna drown!
- We'll be fine. Here, put these on.
Peter, these are parachutes.
What are we supposed to do with these?
They're supposed to distract you
while I put on the one scuba suit.
- What's the matter?
- That wasn't oxygen.
That was a tank of Tony Danza's breath.
I wonder who got my oxygen tank.
Kiss me, Tony.
I want your breath inside me.
Well, as long as death
is staring us in the face,
I might as well tell you
about my great grandfather,
who was the greatest
silent movie star of the '20s.
His name was Willy "Black-Eye" Griffin,
and his ocular misadventures
made him a star.
Black-Eye Griffin and his family were
among the wealthiest people in Hollywood.
They spent their idle time
cavorting, doing the Charleston
and enjoying America's prosperity
following World War I,
which, at that time, was called
International Civil War II.
But the golden years soon ended.
Sadly, Black-Eyed Griffin's voice just
wasn't right for the talking pictures.
Pardon me, madam.
I'm the truant officer.
I found these two children of yours
playing hooky from school.
Oh, my! This will never do.
Will it, Dear?
You gotta, Chris... you gotta...
It's important for you
to get an education!
Get in there and finish your homework!
It was a simpler time.
It was a better time.
Well, no matter what happens to us,
I just hope Meg's okay.
So, is, uh... is this, like, the part
where you guys have your way with me?
- What?
- You know,
where I'm, like, helpless,
and you guys taketurns.
- You know?
- Oh, no! Oh!
God! Oh, no, no, no, no!
What did she say?
She asked if we were gonna
have our way with her.
- Ew!
- No, seriously
- I won't scream or anything.
- No! No! I... I...
No. No sale.
Come on! I'm pretty!
- Are you okay?
- Yeah. I was so scared.
Well, it sure would suck
if you guys died
without hearing the story
of my great uncle, Peter Hitler,
who was Adolf's favorite brother.
Hey, there you are.
Hey, you ready to go check out that new
skin flick over at the booben garden?
- Peter, can't you see I'm busy?
- Yeah. What are you doing?
- Stuff?
- Yes.
- Nazi stuff?
- Yes, Peter. Nazi stuff.
- Can I help?
- No, Peter.
- Just let me work, all right?!
- All right, all right. Okay.
Hey. Hey, Addy. Addy, look.
Addy, I'm Tojo.
Addy. Addy, look.
I'm... Look. I'm Tojo.
I am from Japan.
Sweet!
- That's what a gun sounds like.
- Will you stop that?!
Hey, can I borrow 50 marks?
What happened to the 50 marks
I gave you last week?
Aw, come on.
Your girlfriend's not cheap.
Just kidding.
Ah! Look at your face.
Hey, whatever happened
with that art school?
You ever gonna take
another crack at that?
Look, I'm going to do a rally.
I'll be back in an hour.
A rally. Sweet.
The days of despair
and hardship are over!
Today begins a New Order!
All of Europe will tremble
as Germany take sits rightful place
as ruler of the world!
Oh, yeah!
Yes. As I was saying,
the time for victory is upon us!
Victory up the ass, baby!
Yeah, come on!
A new... a new world! A better world!
- A German world!
- Yeah! Germanator!
I'll be back! Whoo! Yeah!
We will emerge as the dominant people!
And it's all 'cause of you guys.
You know what?
You guys, with your marching
and your letters and your phone calls,
this is all thanks to you.
You made this happen,
you guys... My God! Give yourselves
a round of applause! Come on.
You deserve it. You deserve it.
Hey, what do you say we all
head over to the Buzenpuken, eh?
Free beer on this motherfuhrer!
Eh?! Come on!
Well, that's pretty much
all there is to tell, kids.
The Griffin family history
is a rich tapestry.
But, since we're all gonna die,
there's one more secret
I feel I have to share with you:
I did not care for The Godfather.
- What?
- Did not care for The Godfather.
- How can you even say that, Dad?
- Didn't like... didn't like it.
Peter, it's so good.
It's like the perfect movie.
This is what everyone
always says whenever...
Robert De Niro, Al Pacino...
I mean, you never see...
Robert Duvall!
I know. Fine, fine actor.
Did not like the movie.
- Why not?
- Couldn't get into it.
Explain yourself.
What didn't you like about it?
- It insists upon itself, Lois.
- What?
- It insists upon itself.
- What does that even mean?
'Cause it has a valid point
to make, it's insistent!
It takes forever getting in, and then you
spend, like six and half hours, and then,
I can't even get through it.
I can't even finish the movie.
I've never even seen the ending.
- You've never seen the ending?!
- How can you say you don't like it
if you haven't even given it a chance?
I agree with Stewie.
It's not really fair.
I have tried, on three separate
occasions, to get through it, and I...
I get to the scene where all the guys
are sitting around on easy chairs...
Yeah. That's a great scene.
I love that scene.
It's noted in every annal.
I have no idea what
they're talking about.
Like they're speaking a different language.
That's why I lose interest and I go away.
They're speaking Italian!
The language they're speaking
is the language of subtlety,
something you don't understand.
I love The Money Pit.
That is my answer to that statement.
- Exactly.
- Well, there you go.
- Whatever.
- I like that movie, too.
Thank God, you guys are okay!
Wow! You saved our lives, Mr. Swanson!
- We've captured the burglars.
- Oh, thank God.
Unfortunately, they're pressing sexual
harassment charges against your daughter.
- Well, that was a close call.
- You know, uh...
Meg should probably get a lawyer.
Oh, sweetie, thank you for keeping
our spirits up with your stories.
Your daughter's a sexual predator.
If you don't do anything,
she could go to jail for a long time.
Don't thank me, Lois. Thank my
ancestors for living lives of greatness.
- All right, guys, just take her away.
- Dad, help!
- Dad!
- Have fun at the dance, Meg.
I hope she does.
That kid really deserves it.
Synchronisation by Kemar
Transcript by Raceman
"Untitled Griffin Family History"
Synchronisation by Kemar
Transcript by Raceman
- Peter, did you brush your teeth?
- Nah.
- Peter, brush your teeth.
- I don't want to.
- Peter, brush your teeth.
- No, it's stupid.
Well, I guess we're going to
have to do this the hard way.
- No!
- Open your mouth.
Show me your teeth!
Peter, did you hear that?
Oh, my God, there are men
breaking into our house.
Dad, what is it?
What's going on?
I heard a noise.
Is somebody downstairs?
Oh, God, Meg, you startled me.
I'm sorry.
What the hell's your
problem, you dumbass?
What the deuce is all the commotion?
Quick, everyone get in the attic.
Peter, what is that?
Well, I got the idea
to build a panic room
after I saw that movie
The Butterfly Effect.
I thought, "Wow, this is terrible.
I wish I could escape to a place
where this movie couldn't find me,"
- and then...
- What the hell are we waiting for?!
These monitors are for
watching the house.
See, there's Stewie's room,
Chris' room, Meg's room...
Peter, there's no phone in here.
How are we going to call the police?
Oh, my God, we're all going to die!
That's not true. We'll survive
by eating each other.
But I think it's important for
the last one of us left alive
to know this story.
The story of the Griffin family history.
Here's how it all began.
Everything started with the big bang.
It was a Saturday night
and God and his roommate
Chugs were arm wrestling.
You're going down, man.
Oh, dude, that is sick.
Undefeated!
Oh, wait, wait, here comes another one.
Quick, give me your lighter.
Then over millions of years
evolution took its course.
Of course, I'm obligated
by the State of Kansas
to present the church's alternative
to the theory of evolution.
After that, a meteor hit the Earth
turning it into a block
of ice for some reason,
but then it thawed and cavemen came.
Why Peter look sad?
Brian, Peter invent wheel.
Peter show wheel to people in town,
but no one want wheel.
Everyone excited about trapezoid.
No one buy wheel.
Peter, you invent wheel?
That big breakthrough.
This maybe make you millionaire.
Then how come no one buy Peter wheel?
Maybe sales pitch not good enough.
Brian help.
Okay, sell wheel just like practice.
- Not sure can do it.
- You so money. Don't know it.
Hi, me Peter.
Tired walking everyplace?
Need something make you go?
Peter wheel make you go.
Maybe Joe want try wheel on chair.
For last time, Joe no want.
Brian, Peter fail again.
Not so fast.
Brian have other idea.
Anyone buy wheel get dead bird.
Not working.
Try drastic measure.
Brian, what hell?!
Hot lady next to wheel...
make me want wheel.
Maybe if me buy wheel,
me get pretty lady, too.
I buy wheel.
People want Peter wheel
thanks to sexy wife.
Tonight you and me party like it's 9.
Damn all.
What deuce?
Victory's Stewie's.
There have been many great
Griffins through out history,
including Moses Griffin who
led the Jews out of Egypt.
All right, it's going to be
a long journey everyone,
but I will lead you to freedom.
Now, Jews, ho!
Here we are, the Red Sea.
Now, we got to do is swim across.
- I didn't bring my trunks.
- I don't want to step on on a shell.
- I can't get water in my ears.
- I ate 20 minutes ago.
You know, what they flush
in Cairo ends up right here.
All right, I'll see what I can do.
Oh, I can part the Red Sea.
You know he hasn't talked
to his brother in three years.
All right, listen up.
Before we go any further,
I'm going to lay down
a few rules, all right?
Commandment number one:
"Shut the hell up. "
Commandment number two: "There's
nothing I can do about the sun. "
Commandment number three:
"There are no more Jolly Ranchers,
they're all gone. "
Commandment number four:
"When we pass a billboard,
please don't read it out loud. " All
right? Now, come on, let's get going.
Ooh, look at that.
"Danny Gans, Entertainer of the Year. "
What did I say?!
- "Hassle Free Checking. "
- Damn it!
- "Mancow in the Morning. "
- Shut up!
Peter, can we stop the
stories for a minute?
We need to figure out
how we're going to survive.
I mean, is there even any food in here?
Right, good thinking.
Meg, go get us some sandwiches.
Wait a minute, that's a great idea.
If Meg can get through the vent,
- she can sneak out and go get help.
- Dad, I can't go through the vent.
Yeah, she's right. We need to grease
her up so she doesn't get stuck.
Everybody spit on Meg.
Stop! Stop!
Stop! Okay! Okay!
I meant I can't do it because
there are burglars down there.
Come on, they're not going to
touch you. You're covered with spit.
Be careful, Meg.
I hate you all!
I hate you, too, bitch.
Oh, no, no, I'm just kidding.
Can you imagine?
You think Meg made it through the vent?
Well, let's find out.
Oh, there she is.
She's in the kitchen.
Hey, Meg.
I see you there in the kitchen.
Put my sandwich on
whole wheat please.
No, no, no, don't use that mustard.
Use the other mustard.
Oh, God, Meg, they know you're there.
Quick, scrape that mustard off.
Use the other mustard!
Oh, no. The burglars got my baby.
I think they're making a
sign to tell us something.
Better not be using my crayons...
mixing 'em up.
"We have your son"?
Meg's our daughter.
Peter, do something!
You know, Meg being captured by
evil men reminds me of another story.
It's distracting.
Um...
This is the story of my
ancestor Nate Griffin.
Of course, Nate Griffin
was his slave name.
His real name was Richard Bachman.
And this is the story of his roots.
It all began in Africa in the
tiny village of Quahog-swana
where he was a proud member
of the tribe of Tootie-an-Blair.
Hey, Quagdingo, how was
your date last night?
Oh, it was awesome. You never
feel as big as you do with a pygmy.
Hey, you guys want to
go get a drink at Club 227?
Not today, Joemama.
I'm going off to find a log
to build a drum so I can play the
opening part from "Hot For Teacher. "
I'll see you guys later.
Coming up in this half hour,
flies on your face
how many is too many?
But first, that orange thing in the sky
and what you can do to please it.
You know, you shouldn't be
poking around out here.
White men have been spotted nearby
laying traps and forming
slow-pitch softball leagues.
Well, whatever makes them happy.
Live and let live, that's what I say.
And I'm sure that's what they say, too.
Hello. I'm Cleveland
from South Carolina.
Wow, you're a different color than me.
Would you like to be equals?
Hey, Quagdingo, you want
to play I-Spy again?
- No!
- I spy something beige.
- Wood.
- Yeah.
Hello and welcome to the
news at what I suspect is dawn.
Our top story continues to be
where is this giant canoe heading?
But first let's go to Ollie Williams
with the port side window report.
- Ollie?
- I saw a fish!
Thanks, Ollie.
And now sleep.
Hey, guys, one of my cuffs is loose.
If we can break out of here,
I've got an idea
how to give the captain of
this boat what he deserves.
Hey, where's the captain?
I don't know.
I haven't seen him all morning.
Are you ready for the summer?
Are you ready for the sunshine?
Are you ready for the birds
and bees, the apple trees
And a whole lot of swimming to do?
This is going to be
the best summer ever.
And it was.
But Nate soon found himself put
to work on a Southern plantation.
It was way down there. You know,
when you stop seeing Howard Johnson's
and you start seeing Stuckey's.
Anyway, it was a horrible place
where they took away everybody's
African names and gave them new names.
- What's you name?
- Tobi with an "I."
With an accent over the "I,"
and a little lineover
the "O" so you know
it's a long vowel sound
and not a short one.
And sometimes I like
to dot the "I" with a
little smiley face or
a heart or something.
Something to brighten the reader's day.
I asked you what your name was.
Honey, you keep that up
it's what every you want it to be.
Of course, back then the South was
a very different place than it is today.
A backward place where
they didn't believe in science
and hated others just
for being different.
Time has a way of changing
a place and its people.
Excuse me. Hi. Yeah...
Is there like a human resources
guy we could talk to?
I have a work-related grievance.
What?
The quarters are too crowded,
the hours are long and...
you know, I don't like
to be "this guy," but...
a couple of the overseers
have been making racial slurs.
And then, all of a sudden, he saw her.
Lois-Laura-Bush-Lyn-Cheney
Pewterschmidt,
the plantation owner's daughter.
Of course, ordinarily black guys
aren't attracted to white women,
but she was something different.
As a poet might say,
she was the kind of woman you just
want to have sex with over and over.
With the kind of breasts
you just want to
push together so she
looks like a cross-eyed torso.
He knew he had to have her.
Is someone there?
- Lois!
- Who are you?
Hi. I'm Nate Griffin. I work
against my will for your dad.
Oh, yeah? Well, what do you do?
Well, let's just say I know
my way around a hoe.
And, from the moment that piece
of off-color blue comedy was uttered,
their lives were changed forever.
- You wanna do it?
- You bet your sweet black ass I do.
So, for the next 15 years,
they raised a family in secrecy.
Supper's ready!
Come and get it, kids!
You know the best part about
being half black and half white?
When I grow up, I'll be
accepted by everybody.
- Daddy!
- Just as I thought!
Lois, how in God's name, could
you embarrass the family like this?
Sitting right here.
Daddy, you're the embarrassment.
Nate and I love each other!
Tell it to the authorities,
because you're all going to jail!
Run!
And so they set off on
their escape to the north.
Luckily, they were helped by
Nate's good friend, Al Cowlings,
who showed up on his
trusty white bronco.
But the law was hot on their trail.
Well, we're getting a good view
of the chase from up here, Tom.
That's right, Diane. We're looking
at Nate Griffin and Al Cowlings
the man we believe to be Al Cowlings.
We'll stay with the chase.
Uh... it seems like a futile
effort on their part, Diane.
At some point, that horse is going
to have to stop and eat some grain.
But luck was on their side and
eventually, they made it to the north.
After that, Nate devoted his life
to getting back at the white man
for the injustice of slavery,
by inventing the
Department of Motor Vehicles.
- Sir, did you fill out the 1170?
- I think I did.
- Did you fill out the 1170?
- I filled this out.
That's the 1190. You're gonna
have to go stand in the blue line.
- I was already in that line.
- Sir, don't get snippy with me.
- I've been here all morning.
- That is not my prerogative, sir.
I wait in one line,
they send me to another line...
You can always call
to make an appointment.
The line's always busy!
That's ridiculous.
- Wait in the appointment line.
- I know! I don't want to wait!
I haven't got all day!
You're going to have to
take that somewhere else.
You know what? I'm on break.
Peter, enough with the storytelling.
We gotta get outta here!
They're gonna kill Meg!
Oh, yeah? Over Meg's dead body.
Hey! A flare gun.
Good idea, Peter.
If we angle it through the vent, we
might be able to alert the authorities.
- Oh, my God! We're gonna drown!
- We'll be fine. Here, put these on.
Peter, these are parachutes.
What are we supposed to do with these?
They're supposed to distract you
while I put on the one scuba suit.
- What's the matter?
- That wasn't oxygen.
That was a tank of Tony Danza's breath.
I wonder who got my oxygen tank.
Kiss me, Tony.
I want your breath inside me.
Well, as long as death
is staring us in the face,
I might as well tell you
about my great grandfather,
who was the greatest
silent movie star of the '20s.
His name was Willy "Black-Eye" Griffin,
and his ocular misadventures
made him a star.
Black-Eye Griffin and his family were
among the wealthiest people in Hollywood.
They spent their idle time
cavorting, doing the Charleston
and enjoying America's prosperity
following World War I,
which, at that time, was called
International Civil War II.
But the golden years soon ended.
Sadly, Black-Eyed Griffin's voice just
wasn't right for the talking pictures.
Pardon me, madam.
I'm the truant officer.
I found these two children of yours
playing hooky from school.
Oh, my! This will never do.
Will it, Dear?
You gotta, Chris... you gotta...
It's important for you
to get an education!
Get in there and finish your homework!
It was a simpler time.
It was a better time.
Well, no matter what happens to us,
I just hope Meg's okay.
So, is, uh... is this, like, the part
where you guys have your way with me?
- What?
- You know,
where I'm, like, helpless,
and you guys taketurns.
- You know?
- Oh, no! Oh!
God! Oh, no, no, no, no!
What did she say?
She asked if we were gonna
have our way with her.
- Ew!
- No, seriously
- I won't scream or anything.
- No! No! I... I...
No. No sale.
Come on! I'm pretty!
- Are you okay?
- Yeah. I was so scared.
Well, it sure would suck
if you guys died
without hearing the story
of my great uncle, Peter Hitler,
who was Adolf's favorite brother.
Hey, there you are.
Hey, you ready to go check out that new
skin flick over at the booben garden?
- Peter, can't you see I'm busy?
- Yeah. What are you doing?
- Stuff?
- Yes.
- Nazi stuff?
- Yes, Peter. Nazi stuff.
- Can I help?
- No, Peter.
- Just let me work, all right?!
- All right, all right. Okay.
Hey. Hey, Addy. Addy, look.
Addy, I'm Tojo.
Addy. Addy, look.
I'm... Look. I'm Tojo.
I am from Japan.
Sweet!
- That's what a gun sounds like.
- Will you stop that?!
Hey, can I borrow 50 marks?
What happened to the 50 marks
I gave you last week?
Aw, come on.
Your girlfriend's not cheap.
Just kidding.
Ah! Look at your face.
Hey, whatever happened
with that art school?
You ever gonna take
another crack at that?
Look, I'm going to do a rally.
I'll be back in an hour.
A rally. Sweet.
The days of despair
and hardship are over!
Today begins a New Order!
All of Europe will tremble
as Germany take sits rightful place
as ruler of the world!
Oh, yeah!
Yes. As I was saying,
the time for victory is upon us!
Victory up the ass, baby!
Yeah, come on!
A new... a new world! A better world!
- A German world!
- Yeah! Germanator!
I'll be back! Whoo! Yeah!
We will emerge as the dominant people!
And it's all 'cause of you guys.
You know what?
You guys, with your marching
and your letters and your phone calls,
this is all thanks to you.
You made this happen,
you guys... My God! Give yourselves
a round of applause! Come on.
You deserve it. You deserve it.
Hey, what do you say we all
head over to the Buzenpuken, eh?
Free beer on this motherfuhrer!
Eh?! Come on!
Well, that's pretty much
all there is to tell, kids.
The Griffin family history
is a rich tapestry.
But, since we're all gonna die,
there's one more secret
I feel I have to share with you:
I did not care for The Godfather.
- What?
- Did not care for The Godfather.
- How can you even say that, Dad?
- Didn't like... didn't like it.
Peter, it's so good.
It's like the perfect movie.
This is what everyone
always says whenever...
Robert De Niro, Al Pacino...
I mean, you never see...
Robert Duvall!
I know. Fine, fine actor.
Did not like the movie.
- Why not?
- Couldn't get into it.
Explain yourself.
What didn't you like about it?
- It insists upon itself, Lois.
- What?
- It insists upon itself.
- What does that even mean?
'Cause it has a valid point
to make, it's insistent!
It takes forever getting in, and then you
spend, like six and half hours, and then,
I can't even get through it.
I can't even finish the movie.
I've never even seen the ending.
- You've never seen the ending?!
- How can you say you don't like it
if you haven't even given it a chance?
I agree with Stewie.
It's not really fair.
I have tried, on three separate
occasions, to get through it, and I...
I get to the scene where all the guys
are sitting around on easy chairs...
Yeah. That's a great scene.
I love that scene.
It's noted in every annal.
I have no idea what
they're talking about.
Like they're speaking a different language.
That's why I lose interest and I go away.
They're speaking Italian!
The language they're speaking
is the language of subtlety,
something you don't understand.
I love The Money Pit.
That is my answer to that statement.
- Exactly.
- Well, there you go.
- Whatever.
- I like that movie, too.
Thank God, you guys are okay!
Wow! You saved our lives, Mr. Swanson!
- We've captured the burglars.
- Oh, thank God.
Unfortunately, they're pressing sexual
harassment charges against your daughter.
- Well, that was a close call.
- You know, uh...
Meg should probably get a lawyer.
Oh, sweetie, thank you for keeping
our spirits up with your stories.
Your daughter's a sexual predator.
If you don't do anything,
she could go to jail for a long time.
Don't thank me, Lois. Thank my
ancestors for living lives of greatness.
- All right, guys, just take her away.
- Dad, help!
- Dad!
- Have fun at the dance, Meg.
I hope she does.
That kid really deserves it.
Synchronisation by Kemar
Transcript by Raceman