Family Guy (1998–…): Season 21, Episode 4 - The Munchurian Candidate - full transcript

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

♪ ♪

Ah, look at this, Peter,
a new restaurant in town.



What a lightning
bolt to the balls

for a couple of
schmoes like us, huh?

I know, I can't believe Quahog
finally got a His and Hers.

Check it out: I can drink beer,

watch sports, and
play Pop-A-Shot

right here at the table.

And I can drink wine and scroll
through Bonnie's Facebook,

secretly enjoying that
she has an ugly baby.

(sighs) Look at
that thing's eyes.

You know, maybe one
glass a night wasn't fine.

Hey, folks. We ready to order?

I think so.

Shall I cover your ears

for your wife's menu questions?



That'd be great.

Yeah, are you able
to do the salmon

but without the dill cream?

Sorry, no substitutions.
We're a dick restaurant.

Hmm. Then I'll have
the fettuccine Alfredo.

And my Instagram will
have the watercress salad.

And for you, sir?

How much is that
tomahawk rib eye?

- $85...
- Kid's personal pan pizza.

Great, and if you folks
need anything else,

I'll be invisible.

(video game music plays)

Remember this,
Peter? Remember us?

I do remember us. I miss us.

When we get home, let's do
it so loud, the kids wake up.

Yeah, let's do it on the couch
where we all gather as a family

and watch television.

ANNOUNCER: Family Guy is
brought to you by Parent Sex.

Parent Sex: It happens in rooms

that you hang out
in and watch TV.

Maybe even right there
where you're sitting now.

Pretty gross, right?

(classical music playing)

Gentlemen, we have work to do.

- (saw whirring
loudly) - Son of a bitch.

Just when I'm onto
something good, really good.

Hey, what the hell's
going on out here?

You got a permit, pal? Huh?

Hey, guys, I'll be right back.

I'm just gonna toss this
dog a beating real quick.

Wait, what?

Easy there, Gussy,
I know this guy.

Why don't you go get
yourself a sandwich?

Can-can I leave the
wrappers in the bushes?

All right, you can leave
the wrappers in the bushes.

Guys, he said we can.

Stewie, what's happening?

I'm trying to write, and
all I hear is banging.

Oh, yeah, check it out.

I'm having these guys
put up a tree house.

Sort of like a man
cave/dance studio kind of deal.

Why don't you stop by later
and I'll give you the tour?

- Tell Chris, too.
- Sure, I'm free.

- Is that Lois's sweater?
- Cardigans are unisex.

♪ ♪

So, Loey, how was
the big date night?

Wonderful date night.
Great, great, great.

Yeah, I'm still not... not
completely sold on "Loey."

(chuckling): So,
tell us, tell us...

after you had dinner,
how was the pork?

(laughing)

Who is this bitch?

Uh, it was good.
Yeah, it was really nice.

Oh, no, you're not
getting off that easy.

Oh, classic Loey trying
to dodge the question.

Seriously, who is
this froggy little bitch?

How come she's sitting with us?

Now, about the sex, though,
I just... how do I put this?

Let's just say Peter
doesn't always...

Munchausen my proxy.

What do you mean?

Well, he doesn't
always go to Australia.

You know, the land down under.

ALL: Oh...

He's just never
liked it. I don't know.

I-I guess it's not
a requirement,

but, yeah, I do like
having the option.

You know, Joe and I
went to a sex therapist

after his accident.

She really helped us,

turned him into
a real spelunker.

I'm sorry.

The six-year-old birthday
party has asked if you could...

(quietly): keep
your voices down.

♪ ♪

Oh, there they are.

The boys.

- Come on in, fellas.
- Dang, Stewie.

This is a legit little
pad you got here.

(floor creaks)

Yeah, that one
spot creaks a little.

- I might have them look at it.
- Oh, I-I didn't even notice.

So, yeah, you know,
pretty self-explanatory.

Couch, plasma, kind of a
little office nook over there.

And...

- Hey-yo!
- Boom.

Photo booth with props,
if anyone's feeling sassy.

Eh? Eh?

Um, yes. Yes.

But, uh, do you mind
if we take a rain check?

I got to take Chris to
baseball in like five minutes.

Well, come by later.

Maybe we can watch
a movie or something.

Wow, that's super
generous of you, Stewie.

This place is dope.

♪ ♪

You see that,
Rupert, they like it.

This place might just
be my masterpiece.

♪ ♪

BRIAN: Okay, wow.

What... the hell... was that?

CHRIS: So we're
on the same page?

I thought I was nuts.

- BRIAN: Brutal, right?
- CHRIS: Oh, brutal.

BRIAN: I have no idea
what he's going for up there.

CHRIS: That's the thing. I
don't think he does either.

(Brian and Chris laughing)

CHRIS: I'm sorry, he wants us
to come watch a movie up there?

(chuckling): On a Vizio?

Oh, is that what he was saying?

I couldn't hear a word over
those floorboards creaking.

Oh, my God. Creak City.

BRIAN: Poor guy. Just has no
idea. And, like, nothing to eat?

CHRIS: Like, dude, go to Costco,

grab some of those
frozen quiches.

BRIAN: It's not like he
didn't know we were coming.

CHRIS: Oh, poor Stewie.
what are you gonna do?

BRIAN: I'll tell you
what I'm not gonna do.

A photo shoot with
a top hat and a boa.

(Brian and Chris laughing)

♪ ♪

So, Peter...

Oh, big surprise. Take
her side, why don't you?

Peter, let's take a breath.
We're just here to talk.

So, Lois tells me

you don't like doing
everything in the bedroom.

(sighs)

Listen, if he's too
shy to talk about this,

we could always try hypnosis.

Oh, how would that work?

Well, we get him in
a very relaxed state,

and I give him what's
called a "trigger phrase."

It's essentially
training the brain

to behave a certain way
every time he hears it.

You can do that?

Just kind of make
me zone out during?

That's the idea, yeah.

Whenever you hear
the trigger phrase,

you just imagine
yourself sitting on a beach,

eating an ice cream cone.

I don't hate that.

Go ahead and close
your eyes for me.

Try to relax. We are
now in a tranquil place.

Leaving the cares and concerns
of the physical world behind.

Peter,

we are now in our
suspended state.

And from now on, whenever
you hear the words...

♪ Extra, extra. ♪

Sorry, I get push notifications

whenever Chrissy Teigen
cyberbullies a nobody.

What was that phrase again?

Vanilla ice cream.

Huh, anything?

Um...

My elbows are itchy?

(sighing): Oh, well, we tried.

Sorry, Lois.

I guess I'll just go make
some sad spaghetti.

(sighs)

♪ Extra, extra. ♪

(Latin-style music playing)

Corazón.

♪ ♪

(music stops)

♪ ♪

Peter, last night was amazing.

Oh, when I farted the
Pledge of Allegiance?

Yeah, I tell you,

things got a little dicey
there on "indivisible."

You really don't remember?

Wow, that hypnosis works.

Well, I got to
get in the shower.

You know, 'cause of
that "indivisible" part.

♪ Extra, extra. ♪

I'm just gonna go ahead and
save this song on my phone.

CHRIS: Mom,
what's for breakfast?

Shut up, you little turd!

ANNOUNCER: Parent Sex.
When your mom yells at you

through a closed
door, that's why.

♪ ♪

♪ Extra, extra. ♪

Wow, Mom and Dad
have sure been watching

a lot of entertainment
television.

LOIS: Yahtzee!

And apparently found
their way to the game closet.

Good morning,
everyone. Who's hungry?

Hey, Dad, are you still okay
to bring me to Boy Scouts?

Oh, no, is that today? (groans)

I was hoping to
get a little golf in.

I'll tell you what,
I'll take Chris.

- You go have fun.
- What, really?

Yeah, no biggie.

Just don't forget we have
dinner at my parents' house later.

Aw, sweet.

I can't wait to spread
ten minutes of fun

over five hours.

Boy, you two seem like
you're getting along well

- these days.
- (chuckles softly)

- What's that supposed to mean?
- Nothing, just...

You don't often give him a
whole Saturday to go play golf.

Oh, yeah, is that my
idiot dog's opinion?

I-I'm not... I'm not an idiot.

Well, you might not know this

because of the
idiot thing, Brian,

but marriage is
about give and take.

If my husband wants to
go play golf, he plays golf.

I keep him happy,
he keeps me happy.

I'm not an idiot.

In fact, I would say...

I would say I'm
very smart for a dog.

All right, I'm off.

Thanks again for
letting me do this, Lois.

Oh, before you go, can I...

Can I just talk to you
upstairs for one minute?

Just... I-I want to
ask you something.

♪ Extra, extra. ♪

LOIS (laughs): Go fish.

♪ ♪

Hey, Stewie, you said
you wanted us to see...

Whoa, what happened in here?

♪ ♪

Okay. (laughs) Okay,
now we're talking.

- Stewie, this is incredible.
- Oh, yeah, you like?

The old place
just didn't really...

didn't have much
of a vibe, you know?

Well, it sure as
hell has a vibe now.

Yup, there he is. Nolan Ryan.

Von Ryan's Express. Eh?

Oh, I happened to be
over at Costco today

and I grabbed some
of these quiches.

You guys ever try these?

Ooh, very cool.
Love these things.

Gracias, Stewie.

Yeah, so, you know,
added a little workout area.

Oh, I got that creak
taken care of, too.

See? Nothing.

Wait, that's not
the same TV, right?

Good eye.

Yeah, I looked up Vizios

and realized
they're kind of crap.

(inhales) Ended up
going with the Sony.

Excellent choice
going with the Sony.

Can't go wrong there.

Well, congratulations, Stewie.

You officially have
a kick-ass man cave.

I mean, don't get me
wrong, it was great before.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But this is, I mean,
this is a man cave.

Agree. You know
who would love this?

Eric.

Oh, yeah, this is
right up Eric's alley.

I mean, would-would you
mind if we brought a buddy?

Yeah. Bring Eric, bring whoever.

Eric'll love Stewie,
don't you think?

Totally. How have
they never met?

A wrong that will soon
be righted, my friend.

All right, Stewie,
we'll see you later.

Yeah, yeah.

See you guys in a bit.

Peace, brah.

BRIAN (laughs):
Wow, it's all so cliché.

CHRIS: Cliché
and just desperate.

Literally not one thing about
that place says "Stewie."

BRIAN: It's like he googled

"man cave" and said, "That."

I mean, Nolan Ryan?

CHRIS: Oh, I know, I know.

BRIAN: He really solved
the TV problem, huh?

CHRIS: Everybody
knows LG is the way to go.

But what does Consumer
Reports know, right?

(Brian laughing)

CHRIS: I wouldn't bring Eric

within a hundred
yards of that place.

BRIAN: Eric would
be miserable up there.

CHRIS: I could see
him punching Stewie.

That's it. Fool me
once, shame on me.

Fool me twice...
you have to die.

CHRIS: Not to nitpick,

but those weren't even
the right frozen quiches.

BRIAN: Yeah, not great.

CHRIS: I spit
mine out in a napkin

and put it in his
"workout area."

BRIAN: Well, I think we
know he won't find it in there.

(Brian and Chris laughing)

♪ ♪

I'm sorry your mother won't
be coming downstairs for dinner.

I know, that damn sciatica.

You know, she's got
to go see a doctor.

The kids really
wanted to be here,

but they're watching strangers
play video games on Twitch.

BABS: Lois, would you be a
dear and make a plate for me?

Peter, I'm gonna
open a bottle of wine.

Do you mind making a plate
and bringing it up for Mommy?

Yeah, I can do that. Maybe
open a couple bottles.

Oh, oh, why? Did
you, did you bring one?

I didn't. But you always say...

Well, you typically
say, "Help yourself."

One bottle ought to be plenty.

Hey, Babs,

I got something I think'll
make you feel better.

Sounds like a hippo
clomping around up there.

Ugh, I feel so sorry for Mommy.

Don't worry about your mother.

She's got her celebrity
news programs up there

- keeping her company.
- (laughs) Yeah, right.

♪ ♪

Wait, celebrity news?
(gasps) What time is it?

Just about 7:30. Why?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

♪ Extra, extra. ♪

(groans)

Peter, no!

Peter!

(Hawaiian-style music playing)

LOIS: Peter!

Peter!

♪ ♪

Peter!

Peter...!

(screaming)

Ah...

(phone ringing)

(phone buzzing)

- (turns radio on) - ♪
Just eat it ♪ - ♪ Eat it ♪

- ♪ Just eat it ♪
- ♪ Eat... ♪

(turns radio off)

♪ ♪

Stewie, you here?

Got your text, so let's see
that "best tennis ball ever."

STEWIE: Hey.

Didn't hear you guys come in.

Stewie.

Hey, we were just saying
how cozy it feels in here.

Yeah, Brian used the term
"lived-in," and I totally agree.

There's just this
real welcoming vibe...

Right. Oh, good.

Welcoming is exactly
what I was going for.

(screaming)

Wh-What the hell, Stewie?

What the hell was that ab...?

(grunting)

(groans)

You two think I don't
know what's going on?

I've heard every word
you two said about me

and about my man cave.

So... you know
how much we love it.

Ow! And for no reason!

I bought a thousand
of these frozen quiches.

And you two are gonna eat
every... last... one of them.

(gulping)

There you go. Good boy.

Those aren't the...

They're not the chicken
sausage ones again, are they?

They are the chicken sausage.

Do, um, do you mind if I
get a glass of water, then?

I just, um...

I just found them
a little dry, is all.

Oh, were they dry?

You know, for my
taste they were a little...

(gulping)

(muffled groaning)

(brakes screech softly)

(turn signal clicking)

(sighs)

♪ ♪

Hey, Stewie, come
on. Let us out of here.

Stewie?

Chris, now's our chance.
We got to get out of here.

(both grunting)

(gasps)

Heading somewhere?

Stewie.

No. No.

My own brother.

My so-called best friend.

I trusted you.

I invited you into my man cave,

and all you did
was humiliate me.

Stewie, no.
Please don't kill me.

Wait. Did, did,
did you make that?

What? Of course I did. Why?

Wow. No, it's just...

I-I just don't know how
you're able to make

such cool weapons at your age.

Wow, that is really
well-made. Holy crap.

Do you have any others?

- Yeah, of course I have more.
- Are you serious?

Yeah, I have like a
hundred... Wait a minute.

You're not gonna win
me over with flattery.

♪ ♪

Is there... is there anything
else you like about it?

Yeah, yeah, I mean, I mean,

ch-check out how
sturdy the sight bridge is.

First thing I
noticed, too, Chris.

And, of course,
the cocking stirrup.

Yeah, very pretty.

Barnett makes a hell of
a bow, but this is probably

one of the nicest
ones I've ever seen.

Anyway, Stewie, you can
go ahead and kill us now.

Listen, if you guys want,

I suppose I could show
you how to make one.

You'd do that? Even
after everything we...

Even after
everything Chris said?

Of course I will.
I love you guys.

We love you, too, Stewie.

Listen, go clean
yourselves up. I'm around.

Just come by whenever,
and I'll show you.

Thank you, Stewie.

Do you do parties here?

Because this is, like,
a good event space.

Eric is turning 50 next month,

and we still don't
have the venue.

I think we do now.

I'll put together a menu.

Any dietary restrictions
I should know?

He says he's on a seafood diet.

He sees food, then he eats it.

(all laughing)

I got to meet this guy.
He sounds like a nut.

♪ ♪

Well, you know, Rupert,
I think the lesson here

is that maybe I
shouldn't be so concerned

with what other people think.

I should trust my
instincts and be myself...

(Brian and Chris laughing)

BRIAN: Oh, I can't
believe he bought it.

CHRIS: Like we would ever
do Eric's nifty fifty up there.

BRIAN: And the table assignment
card station would be where exactly?

CHRIS: And that crossbow?

I mean, a Barnett
is like, I don't know,

Thor's hammer
compared to that thing.

BRIAN: When you pointed
out the cocking stirrup...

I mean, if you
can call that one...

I thought I was gonna lose it.

CHRIS: Oh, I know.
If you're gonna...

BRIAN: Oh, oh. Hey,
there he is, David Cross.

CHRIS: Riddick Bowe.
The Crossbow Kid.

- (bow snaps) - CHRIS: Ow!
- (thud)

BRIAN: Stewie...
Come on, Stewie.

- (bow snaps) - BRIAN: Aah!
- (thuds)

MEG: Hey, Stewie.

Sorry, I couldn't
find a shirt or a bra,

so I figured I'd just let 'em
flop around the hallway...

- (bow snaps)
- (thud)

Mom! Stewie shot himself.

There you go.

Get it all out.

Hey, guys.

- ♪ Extra, extra. ♪
- Peter, no.

No, no, no, no!