Family Guy (1998–…): Season 21, Episode 5 - Unzipped Code - full transcript

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

The usual, fellas?

Hey, thanks, Jerome.



Whoa, Jerome,
what's with the wheelchair?

Well, it was date night
with my lady friend.

I put on some Teddy Pendergrass,

one thing led to another,
and we started making love

halfway up the stairs.

Then I lost my footing
and tumbled down half a flight,

buck naked.

Well, this is hardly
dinner conversation.

Who's Teddy Pendergrass?

He's America's number one cause
of urgent lovemaking injuries.

If you're not already in bed
when Teddy starts singing,

somebody's going to the E.R.

Anyway, I busted my knee
really bad,

so here I am.



Aw, geez, that stinks, Jerome.

How long you gonna be
in that chair?

Well, that's the problem.

The doctor said I need surgery
if I'm ever gonna walk again,

but I can't afford it. (sighs)

Man, I don't know
what I'm gonna do.

I've got to get up
on my feet again.

Relax, it's not so bad.

I bet you're gonna discover
some cool new things

that you couldn't do
when you were walking.

- Like what?
- Well, have you yelled at someone

for using the
handicapped stall yet?

That stall is for the
differently-abled, you know.

Well, how do you know it's not
a handicapped person in there?

Look, no chair, no
crutches. Whoever's in there

definitely shouldn't be!

Oh, I'm... I'm sorry.

Yeah, sure you are.

Hey, you mind
flushing for me, pal?

No arms over here.

Well, I suppose it's
the least I could do.

Oh, my God, it's
bigger than you.

(laughs heartily)

Hey, can you guys
hear me all right?

- Yep.
- Loud and clear.

Fr... in the computer.

What-What'd you, what'd
you say, Cleveland?

- You're cutting in and out.
- Damn it.

It's his crappy
Internet service.

- What does he have?
- He hoarded a decade's worth

of those "100 Free Hours"
CDs AOL would send in the mail.

He's chipping away
at 'em one at a time.

Let me... (glitching)

(echoing): other room.

All right, we'll
fill him in later.

Look, we got to help Jerome

pay for that surgery, you guys.

Yeah, but where are we
gonna get that kind of money?

Hello? Hello?

Wait, what if we did
some sort of fundraiser?

Donna, unplug everything.

I need the Internet.
No, not tha...

You know, the
local firehouse made

a sexy men in uniform calendar,

and it raised a ton of money.

Don't tell anybody, but I heard

not all 12 of those
guys were from Quahog.

I... Who-who would
we tell that to?

I don't know. I'm
just saying... don't.

That's actually not a bad idea.

We already got
three men in uniform.

I'm on the roof
now. Is that bet...

- (bird squawking)
- Bird. Bird.

Bird stole my laptop.

All right, now remember,
we're going for "sexy,"

so can you undo your shirt?

(sighs)

There.

(yawns)

Joe, did you skip your nap?

I don't need a nap!
You need a nap!

I want to be done.

(shaky breathing)

(sobbing)

Wait, Joe, Joe,
look. Look over here.

(sniffling) Who's that?

This is our friend Leapy.

Hey, Joe. Can you do me a favor?

Okay.

Can you be a big boy

and unbutton your
shirt for the picture?

(sniffles) Yeah.

Great, we're all done.

Now take off your pants.

What the hell?

I said take 'em off.

Joe, don't listen to
Leapy. I was wrong.

Leapy is not our
friend. (grunts)

Yeah, that's good.

Okay, Cleveland, you're
mostly out of shape.

Thankfully, all postmen have
mountain climber leg muscles.

Those will be our focus here.

They really that strong-looking?

It's like a lady
bodybuilder's boob.

I'm disgusted, but
I can't look away.

All right, let's get started.

That's it. Now thigh me.

There we go. Now throw
that bad boy up on the mailbox.

Ah, you're a natural.

You're like Gisele, Beyoncé,
and Naomi Campbell all in one.

You're Gisonmi.

That's it, Gisonmi.
Gisonmi, yes.

- Gisonmi.
- Hey, guys,

I'm just gonna go ahead
and close this, okay?

Getting my house assessed.

(indistinct chatter)

- Here you go, fellas.
- Hey, Jerome.

Great to see you back
on your feet already.

You're telling me.
That calendar of yours

paid for my surgery
and then some.

Consider your tab paid
up for the whole month.

Wow, did we really
make that much money?

Who's buying all these?

Yeah, I figured just our friends

would buy 'em for a laugh.

(laughs)

Oh, yeah, we're
having a laugh, all right.

Might say everybody's
having a ball, right, Mr. Brown?

(laughter)

What's going on
here? Give me that.

All right, let's start at
my navel and work down.

Belt buckled at the third notch,
per postal code regulation.

Shorts securely zipped.

Neatly-pressed crease
running down to...

(gasps) my cocoa pebble!

- Let me see that.
- Oh, yeah, that's a half-scrote

- bad dangle angle right there.
- Oh, no,

the whole town's seen
it. What am I gonna do?

Damn, Mr. Brown.

Larry Bird ought to be diving
through here any second

'cause that's a loose ball.

(laughs) Good job, sweetie.
You're doing the work.

Aw, thanks, Dad.

I learned it all by watching
YouTube videos of Les Dawson.

Who the hell is that?

Uh, 1960s British
comic Les Dawson,

famous for his
mother-in-law jokes?

Geez, Spencer, do the work.

You wanted to see me, sir?

Cleveland, let me
ask you something.

Do you have a problem
with the carrying capacity

of your standard-issue
S-1104 canvas satchel?

No, sir.

I see. So then why, may I ask,

do you feel the need to
carry around an extra sack?!

Sir, y-you don't
understand. It was a mistake.

You're damn right it was.

Your little mistake has
made a complete mockery

of the United States
Postal Service.

This is a noble institution
that runs on dignity.

That's the reason people
trusted us to deliver

free COVID tests several
months after it was relevant.

- But, sir, I...
- No buts, Cleveland.

You've left me no
choice. You're fired.

Now turn in your safari
hat and your ladies' Mace.

This is terrible.

I have such a hard
time saying goodbye.

Guh-buh-buh.

Gah-bre-aye.

(babbling gibberish)

Hey, chin up, Cleveland. I
know you'll miss being a fireman.

- Mailman.
- Mm-hmm.

That job meant everything to me.

And what about all
the people on my route?

There's gonna be a
riot when my regulars

find out I've been replaced.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Huh. Mail before noon.

So, Cleveland, how's
the job hunt going?

I can't even start till that damn
bird brings my laptop back.

I wonder what he
even uses it for.

♪ ♪

Wow! Is that a
third lead guitar?

Let me know in the
comments, guys.

(sighs) Oh, who am I
kidding? You can't replace

working for the United
States Postal Service.

I miss it already.

Oh, I feel useless.

Come on, Cleveland. You've
been moping around all week.

You know what?
Why don't you swing by

the brewery tomorrow?
I'll buy you lunch.

Did you say an insensitive
joke and now need to prove

to everyone that you
have a Black friend?

See you there, buddy.

Thanks for letting me tag
along at the brewery, Peter.

Feels good to have
some routine again.

Ah, crap, look at the line.

Gonna take me forever
to get to the microwave.

Peter, you have a salad.

Yeah, now I'm gonna
have to eat it cold.

How am I supposed
to work all day

without a belly
full of hot salad?

Griffin.

What the hell is going on?

We've got a dozen
delivery trucks

that are days behind schedule.

I've got distributors
lighting up my phone

like a Christmas phone.

I have a twinkly
phone for the holidays.

It's incredibly festive.

You know, I used
to deliver the mail,

so I know a thing or two
about getting around town.

Mind if this goose
takes a gander?

Hmm, well, for starters,

you've got your
downtown deliveries

scheduled for
Wednesday morning, but...

that's when the street
sweepers come around

and hog the right lane.

You switch to the afternoon,
you'll be done in half the time.

The street sweepers, of course.

What about the other deliveries?

Well, no wonder your
eastbound trucks are late.

That stretch of highway's been
under construction for weeks.

That's why all the
mail trucks use...

♪ ♪

What a beautiful mind.

Oh, I didn't see that movie.

I only go to Spider-Mans.

♪ ♪

last stop right
across the river.

You got the toll
bridge in the way, but,

nine times out of ten, the
bridge guy's watching TikToks.

You just drive
around, he don't know.

Brilliant. Absolutely
brilliant. What's your name?

Cleveland Brown, sir.

Mr. Brown, this operation

could certainly use a
man with your expertise.

How would you like a job
here at the Pawtucket Brewery?

Really? All right!

Excellent. You start tomorrow.

- Hey, way to go, Cleveland.
- Thanks, Peter.

Tonight, me and Donna
are gonna celebrate,

romantically.

And which Teddy
Pendergrass song was playing?

"Turn Out the Lights."

Sir, ma'am,

you're both lucky to be alive.

All right, working
with my best friend.

This is gonna be sweet.

Just a heads up, I
chew ice all day long,

and my computer goes
"bonk" every three seconds.

I hope that doesn't bother you.

(munching)

- (computer makes error
sound) - That's the bonk.

Yeah, uh, you,
you think you could

keep the noise down, Peter?

It is my first day, after all,

and I want to get
some work done.

Tell you what, you can
do all the work you want

right after we take turns
telling scary work stories.

It was a night just like this.

And when the moon is
full, if you close your eyes,

you can still hear her voice.

(whispers): "Will you sponsor me

for my 5K?"

Dang it, Peter. This is
work, not a sleepover.

Now would you
please get out of here?

My 10:00 meeting
is about to start.

Your meeting? But I thought
we were gonna work together.

Yeah, well, I thought I'd
tackle this one on my own.

But maybe you can
get us some coffee?

- (muffled chatter) -
CLEVELAND: touch base...

- (muffled chatter)
- circle back...

- (muffled chatter)
- put a pin in it...

- (muffled chatter) - but
that's Monday's problem.

(laughter)

- (truck beeping)
- Wait a minute,

these shipments should have
gone out already. Hey, Peter.

All these trucks were supposed
to be on the road hours ago.

Did you make any
changes to my schedule?

No. Oh, you know what?

Yeah, I added a
new rule for safety.

The guys were slapping the
back of the truck two times

when it was all loaded up,

but then Smitty
got his foot run over,

so now I told 'em to do
200 slaps, just to be safe.

- How many was that?
- DRIVER: Uh, 35? 40?

I can't tell, we got, like,
six other slappers going.

Griffin, what's going on?

All of our weekly
shipments are late, again.

Mr. Lloyd, I think we
can get back on track

if we just optimize
our load outs.

See, back in my mailman days,

we would pre-sort our
deliveries by destination.

If we bundle the
inventory by invoice

rather than by product type,

it'll expedite the
delivery out on the road.

My goodness, why haven't
we been doing that all along?

Cleveland, you've
proven yourself

invaluable to this organization.

I'm hereby promoting you to
Vice Executive Managing Director

in Charge of Lengthy Titles.

Wow, thank you, sir.

Hey, good for you, Cleveland.

Good for all of us.
Good for this department.

And as for you, Griffin,

I need you to clear your
things out of your office.

Cleveland is going
to need more room

to perform his
managerial duties.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute,

you're kicking me out of
my own office? (chuckles)

You're not, uh, you're
not replacing me, are you?

Oh, no, we're just doing

a little... restructuring.

Besides, you won't need an
office for your new assignment.

I'm putting you in
charge of kitchen banter.

What you got
there? Little jet fuel?

Little java?
Little jitter juice?

I'll take a top-off,
if you don't mind.

Yeah, don't talk to me till
I've had my coffee, right?

(long sip)

Hey, how come you were
only pregnant for four months?

- PRESTON: Griffin.
- Sorry, it's my first day.

Look, I know this is awkward,
celebrating Cleveland

getting promoted over you,

so we don't have to stay
long if you don't want.

Eh, it's one
night, I'll be fine.

Wait, Peter, where's the
bottle of wine I told you to bring?

Cleveland makes more
money than me now, Lois.

That means we're sneaking
groceries out of this party,

not bringing 'em in.

Can you fit ketchup in
that purse? We're all out.

Damn it. We can't
show up to a dinner party

without a $14 empty
gesture. It's improper.

We need to give them something.

Fine. Here.

- (doorbell rings) -
We brought these.

- Oh.
- What?

It's... (sighs) It's nothing.

I guess I just miss being
the one handing out the mail.

I'm sorry, they're lovely.

(sniffs) Mm. That Lands'
End lady-pants catalog

had quite a bloom this year.

- ♪ ♪
- (indistinct chatter)

Then I said, "Ain't that the
punch line to an anecdote."

(laughter)

So, what does this
promotion mean?

Are you, like, Peter's boss now?

We're all on the same team.

Ah, that means yes.

Hey, Cleveland, how about a
quick speech for our guests?

GUESTS: Yeah, speech, speech!

Or maybe just cover
it in a group text later.

All right, all
right, settle down.

I'd like to thank y'all
for coming tonight

to celebrate my new
job at the brewery.

It ain't as good
as delivering bills,

but it sure does pay the bills.

(laughter)

- What a great speech.
- He's so important now.

Do you think it's okay I
used the upstairs bathroom?

It was bad enough
with Mr. Lloyd thinking

Cleveland's better than me.
Now it's all our friends, too.

Oh, stop feeling
sorry for yourself.

You think I'm thrilled my
husband got demoted?

Bonnie's already
rented one of those cars

with a loudspeaker on top.

She's telling everyone.

BONNIE (over loudspeaker):
People of Spooner Street,

Lois's husband got demoted.

They're poorer now.

Repeat, Lois's
family is now poorer.

Use this as motivation.

Think of how good it'll feel

to prove your friends
and Mr. Lloyd wrong.

Now I'm gonna take an
incredibly quick lady dump.

- Prove 'em wrong, huh?
- LOIS: Done.

(toilet flushes)

That's exactly what I'll do.

I bet they won't think
Cleveland's so great

when I get him fired.

Hey, Dad, how's it going?
Have fun at the Browns'?

I couldn't steal the ketchup.
There were eyes on me all night.

- Son of a bitch!
- There he is.

- He didn't get the ketchup.
- Damn it!

STEWIE: Hey, these
chicken nuggies are bone-dry.

What did he say
about the ketchup?

What's going on?
Why'd everything stop?

Hello, I'm Inspector Daniels
from the Health Department.

That's a backstage
pass from a Muse concert.

Huh, I guess it is, isn't it?

I received an anonymous
tip that there's a rat

nesting in the main beer
tank. I'm here to check it out.

- What's this now?
- Well, I sure hope not.

I'd lose my job if there was
any filth of that nature going on.

Hmm, maybe I misheard
the tipster. (chuckles)

Yeah, ears haven't really
been the same since I saw Muse

from basically as close
as you're allowed to get.

I'll try him back.

(phone rings)

Rat-a-tat-tat, you've
reached Peter the rat.

- (gasps)
- (phone beeps)

Well, I'm sorry someone
wasted your time,

but as you can see,
everything here is up to code.

Have a good day.

I found your rat in the tank
during my rounds this morning.

- Why'd you do it, Peter?
- (sighs) I'm sorry.

It's just, with you doing
so well at the brewery,

I felt like a joke.

I knew I was never
gonna be a big shot here,

but I liked playing my small
part to help make this beer.

Before you started, that
small part felt like enough.

Griffin, I was just informed
that you tried to sabotage

this operation by putting
vermin in the beer tank.

This is the last straw, Griffin.

You are fired.

Fine. I'm not good enough
for this place anyway.

Wait.

You can't fire Peter, sir.

- And why's that?
- Because you need him.

Sure, companies need
some people to work hard

and go the extra mile,
but more than that,

they need guys like Peter,

regular guys who are
happy to do a thankless job

for a mediocre salary,
day in and day out,

so long as that day
ends with a cold beer

and a best friend
to share it with.

If you fire Peter Griffin,

sir, you fire your customer,

the beer-loving everyman

that makes up the hunched
backbone of this country.

Cleveland, you're right.

Griffin here is
perfectly mediocre,

and America runs on mediocre.

You know, that's
the kind of insight

I need coming from up top.

How'd you like to join
me on the executive floor?

I appreciate the offer,
sir, but I can't accept.

In fact, I'm officially
"terndering" my resignation,

and recommending Peter
Griffin as my replacement.

There's only one
job I was born to do,

- and I'm gonna go get it ba...
- (bird squawking)

There's the bird with my laptop!

POSTMASTER: Just come in.

Thank you for seeing me, sir.

I'm gonna get right to it and
say being a postman is who I am,

and I'm here to get my job back.

- Well, that's great, but...
- Please, sir, let me finish.

With this rubber band, I will
cinch the offending testicle

so that it can never dangle nor
sway where it does not belong.

(deep breath) Here I go.

- (grunting) -
(rubber band snaps)

It's done.

Cleveland, we sent your
reinstatement forms a week ago.

I never check my own mail.

You know how Pablo
Escobar never did cocaine?

- He did a lot of cocaine.
- Oh.

Then I fear I've made
a terrible mistake.

Turns out, we couldn't fire you

without running it
by the union head.

Welcome back,
Cleveland. (laughs heartily)

Thank you, sir. It's
good to be back.

- (rubber band
snaps) - (bouncing)

And there goes my ball.

- Here's your rubber band back.
- You-you can keep it.

So, Cleveland, you happy
to be delivering mail again?

Oh, yeah.

Yep, sure is nice to have
things back to normal.

Say, Cleveland, how about
you and me get a quick selfie

to remember this crazy week?

Peter, did you make
another insensitive joke

and need to prove you
have a Black friend again?

I'm not gonna say it was bad,

but I have to make
you my profile picture.

It's my only shot. Oh, hang on,

there's my Jewish friend
Mort Goldman.

Hey, Mort, what's up, pal?
Quick selfie?