Family Guy (1998–…): Season 21, Episode 3 - A Wife-Changing Experience - full transcript

Welcome to our home,

and thank you all so much
for coming to celebrate

our dear Lois and her
wonderful husband,

uh, Peter.

I know Carter wanted
to say a few words.

Poor, unfunny, fat.

Oh, and the sprinklers
come on at 4:00.

I don't know how to change
that, so we have until then.

Beautifully said.

Wow.

Lot of years for us.



Uh-huh.

Hey, so what do you
think about dinner?

Oh, God, I'm so tired
of thinking about dinner.

I-I don't know.

Well, what are you
in the mood for?

Okay, that's just
another version

of the same question.

Oh, I've collected
nine finalists

for our new end
table. We should talk.

Will each one be instantly
overcrowded by three items?

- Absolutely.
- Great.

So where did we
land, dinner-wise?

If I could have
everyone's attention,

it's time to present
Peter and Lois



with a very special
anniversary gift.

Yes, we really
went all out this year.

Okay, "we" is an
insane characterization,

but here it is.

A brand-new Range Rider!

That's it? Aw, crap.

It looked so much bigger
in the SkyMall magazine.

That's a rookie move, man!

Lois, I'm sorry. I-I didn't
realize it was a toy car

for a child. I can...

It's fine, Daddy. Really.

I-I bet Stewie might
enjoy playing with it.

Will there be, like...

a replacement gift or no?

That's very sweet, Lois.
Always thinking of others.

Amazon gift card?

It's the thought
that counts, Daddy.

And it was a very nice thought.

$20 bill cupped in a handshake?

I'm gonna go change
out of this wet suit.

Mwah.

Wow! A white Range Rider SUV!

Hey, what was Ari's
wife's name on Entourage?

Eh, can't remember.
Doesn't matter.

I'm Ari's wife.

Good work today,
Mom Bathing Suit.

See you on Labor Day.

Nah, I'll wash it off.

It's my fault for
over-guac'ing the chip.

Aah!

Aah! Joe! I'm in here!

Sorry, I didn't realize!

I'm sorry! I'm leaving!

Ugh. I feel more violated
than Ms. Pac-Man.

So, Lois, you would not believe

the night Joe and
I had last night.

Oh. Really?

Yeah. It was easily some of the
best sex of our entire marriage.

And for the first
time in nine years,

Joe was able to achieve manhood.

You know, without a
pill, a shot or a pump.

Oh, you-you don't say.

It was crazy. I can't even
count all the different positions

Joe let me carefully
arrange his limp body into.

Oh, wow, I'm so happy

you two were able
to rekindle that spark.

Whoops, got to go.

I've got lunch with the girls.

W... I thought
I was one of the girls.

You're one of the gals.

Oh, no. What am I gonna do?

I bet Joe was only able to do
it 'cause he was thinkin' of me.

Chris?

I've been caught,
but I'll never be sorry.

Boy, I went hard at my fat
guys' wrestling club today.

I understood that with great
reward comes great risk.

Hey, Bri, check
out my new "hwhip."

Pretty cool, huh?

You might even
say it's a cool hwhi...

- Yeah, I'm not doing that.
- Aw, you're no fun.

I will say though, seems
like you're really embracing

the Range Rider lifestyle.

Oh, this thing's the best.

J.D. Power and Associates
called it the best car

for slamming on your brakes
at a crosswalk while texting.

Would you believe
this is the same model

Reese Witherspoon
yells at her husband in?

I would believe that, yes.

Look! You can even
change the navigation system

to be her voice.

I am an American citizen.

Turn left at the light.

The only thing is,
eight different people

spoke to me in Farsi.

I think they just
assumed I'm Persian.

- Seems right.
- There's a whole section of the owner's manual

that's very anti-Israel.

Aren't you forgetting
your dry cleaning?

Oh, Carmen will get that.

- Who's Carmen?
- Oh, my God. You're right.

It's Rosalita.

That stays on this curb.

Rosalita! ¿Cómo está?

I'm Sarah McLachlan.

And for just one dollar a day,

you can help save one of
these abused and terrified grips

from The Ellen DeGeneres Show.

Whether it's a teamster
sobbing in his car after work

or a camera operator having a
sandwich slapped out of his hand

just for making eye contact,

they need your help.

So, please, give today.

Because no one should
have to spend Thanksgiving

watching a millionaire
try on sweaters.

Kids, you really got to clean
the dog poop off your shoes

right when it happens.

It's so much harder to
get it off once it's dried.

You're more than welcome
to return to the workforce.

Hey, Bon! You busy?!

Should I get the pump?

No need!

Let's do this!

Lois Griffin, you are adding
spice to that marriage.

Wow, look at me,

making a difference
for those in need.

Would you like to add a dollar
to your bill to fight cancer?

No. I gave a disabled
guy an erection.

Okay.

Now time to work some
of that magic on my man.

Hey, Lois!
Lois, check it out!

I think James Cromwell

is on this Little
House on the Prairie.

Actually, what do you
say tonight I turn the TV off

and turn you on?

What are you, drunk?

And where are the Wet Ones?

You know I need
a cautionary wipe.

Stop throwing 'em out
in the bedside trash!

- I don't!
- The hell you don...

I mean,

it's all right.

Let's not talk about that, hmm?

Let's talk about how
steamy it's getting in here.

Ah, that would be a
Bertucci's burp cloud

with a Mr. Pibb
fart cloud chaser.

Hence the need for Wet Ones.

Hey, uh, while you're in there,

will you sign Meg's
permission slip

for the Historic Slater Mill?

I left it at the foot of the
toilet between my shoes.

I don't have to show you my ID.

I'm Reese Witherspoon.

You have arrived
at your destination.

Oh, thank God.

Stewie, you-you got...

you got my texts.

Yeah, didn't so much "get" them

as was "panic-startled
awake" by them.

I just... I really am...

is in no condition
to drive home.

It was dog trivia night.

People kept buying me shots.

I-I almost...

Oh, God. Oh, pull...
Uh, pull over! Pull over!

- - Aah!
- Are you gonna puke?!

Aah! Not in the car!

Here, here, aim it
into this TCBY cup.

Okay. Okay.

Okay. I'm okay.

- You good?
- Yeah. Sorry. For a second...

Aah! No! In the
yogurt cup, Brian!

No, not on the seats!

The cup! The cup!

Look, this is gonna
sound racist, but...

- Stop.
- No, no, hear me out. It's just...

- Stop.
- All I'm saying is...

- Stop. Stop.
- It's j...

Norwegians can't dance.

Oh. That's actually not as
bad as I thought it would be.

It is clearly he has
not seen me dance

around the skensen tree
on Julaften for true, ja?

Ja, we can do hopping like
lutefisk in the almond pot.

Family Guy...

We googled Norway for this joke.

I manage the entire
Teacher Appreciation Night

and I'm supposed to accept
second vice president?

They are disrespecting
you, Donna.

They are disrespecting you.

No doubt. What about you?

Did the airline give
you the Miami route yet?

They say I'm "next in line."

They are disrespecting
you, Glenn.

They are disrespecting you.

Okay, see you next week.

Yeah, you will.

And thanks for signing
my Facebook petition

about the speed bumps.

We'll get 'em.

What the hell?

All right, Joe,

it's showtime.

What is she doing?

It's not even sunny.

Oh, my God. She's putting on
some kind of weird show for Joe.

This is a betrayal.

Peter deserves to know.

He deserves to know right away.

Ugh. Don't make
me do a voice call.

I'll fire him a text
down the line.

Hey, thanks for coming
out with just me, Peter.

There's something very important
I need to talk to you about.

Am I...

adopted?

What? No. What?

Are you getting divorced?

I'm not even married.

We're moving again,
'cause of the Army?

Well, it's a big move up for me

and you're gonna get
your own room and...

I mean, no! No!
That-That's not... Look, look.

What I'm trying to tell you

is I saw Lois strutting
around your front yard,

basically putting on
a sex show for Joe.

And he was into it.

What? He-he was?

Are you sure?

Trust me, Peter,
when it comes to sex,

I know what I'm talking about.

L-Like, did you know 46% of
people picture someone else

when they're having
sex with their spouse?

Wow, did you read
that in an article?

No, I do all my own research.

Who are you
thinking of right now?

Um, Chris Pine.

Huh. He's doing well this cycle.

Damn it. I'll teach
Joe to ogle my wife.

Oh, hey, Peter.

What are you clenching
in that fist there?

Well, that was sadder
than what I was going for.

Well, least it's over.

Oh, God, those are all
"final notice" wheelchair bills.

Not a good day for Joe.

Not... a good day... for Joe.

Peter, this is insane.

I can't believe you would
beat up your own friend.

Well, can you blame me?

After the sick show

you two were
putting on out there?

Fine, Peter.

So what if I was
putting on a show?

At least someone
was in the audience.

And maybe ask yourself why
I'd even feel I have to do that.

I come out of the bathroom
in my underwear last night

and all you want to do is
look at James Cromwell.

It was weird. He
had most of his hair.

You don't find me
attractive anymore.

Oh, come on, it's
not you... it's time.

After all these
years of marriage,

your naked body has pretty
much no effect on me anymore.

It's basically like staring
at a chair from the DMV.

Well, sue me for trying
to help reignite the passion

in another couple's marriage.

I can't seem to do it in my own.

That's not what you're doing.

You're flaunting yourself

in front of the
whole neighborhood

just to boost your own ego.

All right, Peter,

I'll be honest with you.

We're moving again,
'cause of the Army?

What? No. We're
talking about Joe.

Oh, right. We're moving
again 'cause Joe's in the Army.

I don't want to move to Omaha.

My friends are here.

What is this?

What do you think you're doing?

Not that it's any of
your business, Lois,

but I'm fighting fire with fire.

Now, if you need me, I'll
be chopping wood out front

when all the
stroller moms go by.

Oh.

- That's right, ladies.
- Oh, my.

- Oh.
- I'll be here all morning,

turning small pieces of wood

into even smaller pieces
of wood for no reason.

Okay, so, for
purposes of the claim,

what was the cause
of the accident?

Yeah, I don't know
how that thing broke.

Well, I see your neighbor
has a Nest camera.

That was from a
previous attempt.

I thought I looked hot, but
then the paperboy laughed.

Un-Unless you think it worked?

Sir, I'm just trying to find out
what happened with the window

and head home to
eat a Runeberg torte,

a dessert from Finland.

Oh, yes. Named after
the Finnish national poet,

Johan Ludvig Runeberg.

We kind
of fell down a rabbit hole

on those countries up there.

Okay. Any better?

Well, now I just
smell Febreze and vomit.

Stupid dog.

Seems like having
a car is a real pain.

God, it's the wors...
I mean, no way.

Having a car is a dream.

And having an expensive
car you're constantly terrified

about getting
dinged or dirtied...

That's, like, the best
thing you can hope for.

Uhp, text from Brian.

"Let me know if you're
going on a Tums run."

Ugh, so passive-aggressive.

"Do you need Tums?"

All right, Chris,
as long as I'm going,

do you need anything?

Well, if you're going
on a Desenex run,

I wouldn't say no.

Do you need Desenex?

Only if you're going on a run.

Hey, Joe.

I was wondering if you
needed to borrow a cup of sugar.

No, thanks, Lois.

And, also, that's not how
the sugar thing usually works.

Well, I just...

Lois, you can stop
with the phony excuses.

I know why you've been
doing what you're doing,

and I think it's
better if you stop.

But, Joe, I just...

Look, I've given this
tremendous thought,

wondering if the reason
I became so excited

by all that's happened is
that Peter's a good friend

and perhaps the
affection you two share

was briefly channeled towards me

as a reminder and
renewal of the importance

of maintaining a deep sense of
wonder and curiosity about life.

But then I realized it was
mostly about seeing side-boob

that was not my
wife's side-boob.

It just has to be different.

I can't stress that enough.

But-but I'm okay with that, Joe.

Sorry, Lois. I can't
do this to Peter.

But please know that you
have done a great service

for my and Bonnie's sex life.

Oh, I understand.

Bye, Joe.

- Say, Lois.
- Yes?

You're not going on a catheter
run, by any chance, are you?

Do you need me to
get you catheters?

Only if you're going on a run.

Stop kicking my seat!

That's it! If I have
to stop this car,

there'll be no popsicles!

Probably-probably no popsicles.

Aah! Rupert!

Rupert, talk to me!

How many fingers
am I holding up?

Two? No, it's three.

Okay, the thumb isn't
a finger... You're right.

So glad you're
okay to point that out.

Still, I thought I'd lost you.

Oh, this car has brought
me nothing but trouble.

Well, there's only
one thing to do.

I don't know. I just
parked it on the street,

and when I woke up
this morning, it was gone.

Well, this Nest camera
footage shows you

dousing it in gasoline
and setting it ablaze.

I have Nest Cam footage
of you pleasuring yourself

in our hedges.

Is a check okay?

Yeah, I did a good thing for
Joe and Bonnie's marriage.

It's not about me,
it's about them.

And if I could do it for Joe...

I can do it for a
whole hospital wing

of disabled veterans.

Lois Griffin,
reporting for duty.

What possessed you
to impersonate a nurse

and give seven addled Korean
War veterans sponge baths?

I'm a sexually desirable woman!

Peter? Wh-What
are you doing here?

I smushed my thing up
against the glass of a Lululemon.

I'm really sorry for all
the stuff I said earlier.

Oh, me, too.

It's just, after all these
years, when I look at you,

all I see is dealing
with the kids,

figuring out meals,
going through the mail.

It's great that Joe could
see you like you used to be,

but, for me, it's
getting harder.

No, it's my fault, too.

I've taken us for granted,

a-and it felt so nice to be seen

as the person I
used to think I was.

Truth is, eventually,

I'd probably get
bored with any woman.

Might as well get bored
with the woman I love.

Well, I can sit here
and tell you today

I'm as bored with
you as I've ever been.

I love you.

I love you, too, Lois.

- Oh!
- Wow.

You know, I've never seen
you in a nurse's outfit before.

And I've never
seen you dressed as...

Prom Night Tarzan?

I'm a Chippendales dancer.

Oh, Chippendales.

I know they have
a big cover charge.

How much is the uncover charge?

For you, it's $35,

'cause you didn't
bring enough people

to qualify for the group rate,

but it does include a $12
bottle of Costco champagne

that we're gonna
tell you is worth $100.

Why? But... Peter,
you're bad at this.

No, no, you argue back
and then we get all hot.

I'm raising two children
alone in a single apartment.

Okay, I'm back in.

Boy, you really made
some mistakes in your life,

haven't you, you
little piece of trash?

Uh, there's
someone else in here.

- Oh, my God!
- What the hell?

Principal Shepherd?
You're in here, too?

Yeah, I got into a slap fight
with the Applebee's hostess

because they wouldn't
turn on Fox News.

Y-You know what, we'll
wait till we get home.

We're so sorry.

For what? I didn't
tell you to stop.

Um... okay.

Oh, Peter!

Oh, Lois!

Can you call out the names

of garbage people from Fox News?

Oh, Hannity!

Oh, Tucker!

Oh, Judge Jeanine!

Oh, Steve Doocy!

Uh, who's that
terrible blonde lady

whose own family hates her?

Laura Ingraham.

Oh, Laura Ingraham!

Yes!

Oh, Peter, I'm so glad

we were able to discover
this new level of intimacy.

I-I've never felt so
connected to you.

Me either.

And I never knew
your biggest fantasy

was to do it as a cat
from a children's book.

For most of the night,

Peter gooshed on her flumpkus.

She crunkled his wanz-it.

He boobled her bumpkus.

The bangle-bong lasted
till first break of day.

Six times that night
she screamed,

"Zazu-ki-zay!"

The end.

Good night, Stewie.

Don't read me books
that you write.