Family Guy (1998–…): Season 21, Episode 2 - Bend or Blockbuster - full transcript

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

"Hey, guys, home with groceries.

Could use a hand unloading."



And send.

Now I wait for them to come out
to help their dear old mom.

- (phone chimes)
- PETER: Do it yourself!

(sighs)

(laughter)

Hi, sad lady.

Junior, our dinner talk
stays inside.

Hi, normal lady.

What are you guys doing?
It's Sunday.

I thought husbands had
to watch football all day

or they get cancer.

Today's our family fun day.

That's right, a whole day
dedicated to family and fun,

ending in the bedroom
with what I hope will be



some back-end participation.

- Hmm?
- Mm-mm.

(disappointed groan)

(Stewie snoring)

(Lois grunts)

I am so tired of this family

just sitting around
and doing nothing.

The Browns are outside
having fun

while we're in here
loafing around

like a bunch of stupid potatoes.

Mom, I've been anonymously
cyberbullied for a decade.

"Stupid potato" doesn't even
leave a mark.

We need to spend some quality
time together like the Browns.

So we're doing a family fun day.

Oh, family-free fun day
sounds great.

No, family fun day.

Yeah, family-free fun day.

No, Peter.
Family. Fun. Day.

(phone rings)

PETER:
Yeah, I'm already at The Clam.

Have fun.

All right, nothing's more fun
than a family card game.

Now, the game is euchre.

"Begin by separating the nines,
tens, face cards and aces

"from the rest of the deck.

"The goal is to win at least
three 'tricks.'

"Now, if the side that fixed
the trump fails

"to get three tricks,
it is said to be 'euchred.'

"The highest trump is the jack
of the trump suit,

"called the 'right bower.'

"Partnership-making trump wins
three or four tricks

"and earns one point.

"Lone hand wins
three or four tricks,

"also earns one point.

"However, a lone hand wins
five tricks,

"that's worth four points.

Many euchre games are scored
by rubber points, as in whist."

Ooh, ooh. "The first side
to win two games

- wins the rubber."
- (gunshot, thud)

"The dealer has the right
to exchange

any turned-up card..."

Oh, my God, it's the same.

"If the face-up card is a jack,

- it's considered bad luck for..."
- (gunshot, thud)

"After two rounds, if no
trump suit has been declared

"and the 'stick-the-dealer'
rule is not in effect,

then the cards are
collected and reshuffled."

ANNOUNCER: Family Guy is
brought to you by contract bridge.

Way simpler than euchre.

You see, in contract bridge,
each player is dealt 13 cards

from a standard 52-card deck.

A trick starts when
a player leads,

i.e. plays the first card.

The leader to the first trick
is determined by the auction.

So, what do you think, gang?

I thought it could be
a fun family activity

if we had a
make-your-own-pizza night.

Or we could order Domino's.

No, come on, this'll be fun.

Everyone gets their own crust,

and you can choose from
any of the items I put out, huh?

It could be olives,
it could be peppers.

And for the risk takers, I
even put out some pineapple.

You can put anything
you want on your pizza.

Yeah, I'm putting a
Domino's pizza on my pizza.

ANNOUNCER: Domino's...
we're both terrible

and better than your pizza.

Ah, this is nice, huh?

Oh, it's so good to
get the whole family

out of the house and see Quahog
from a different perspective.

It's a little tight.

- (heat jet whooshes) - So, how'd
you get into hot-air ballooning?

They don't do background checks.

Oh. What are we flying over now?

My ex-wife's house.

If you have any garbage
or little bags of cat poo,

you can drop them now.

Did you know restraining
orders only go side to side?

They don't go up and down.

Well, there's got to
be one thing we can all

enjoy together as a family.

You know, I think
we're trying too hard.

When I was a kid
we did movie nights,

and it was the Holy
Grail of family fun.

-I'd watch a movie
-I'd watch a porn movie.

No, a family movie.

I'd watch a MILF porn movie.

Okay, technically that's
accurate, but no porn.

All right, let's fire up
Amazon or Netflix.

No streaming services.

They've ruined how
we watch movies.

I'm talking about an
old-school movie night

where we rent one
from Blockbuster.

Some of my best childhood
memories were when

I went to rent a
video with my dad.

Him and I never
really got along,

but the one place where
we did was Blockbuster.

He'd let me pick out
any snack I wanted

while he grabbed
our fifth-choice movie

because we got there too
late to get the good ones.

But that was part of it,

because it wasn't
about the movie,

it was about the night
you spent together.

I think renting a
movie's a great idea.

Let's do it.

So it's settled.

The Griffins are making it

a Blockbuster night.

When we get there, I'll
give you 20 bucks to say,

"I've heard Magic Mike is good."

Huh. This used to
be the Blockbuster.

Oh, man, it's gone.

Were you also looking for...

Very tall prostitute, yes.

Is that what you
were going to say?

She used to hang out
here... Hands like a palm leaf.

She would do sex but also
help with light bulbs and stuff.

I think her name was Phillip.

I see some of my
students in your car.

That's good for me.

I'm sure there's one still open.

I'll just google it.

Eh, I got to type in my
code 'cause I got too fat

- for the facial recognition to work.
- Brutal.

Oh, good. See?
There is one still open.

GPS VOICE: Drive north
for a quarter of a mile,

then turn left onto Highway 20.

Continue straight
for 2,980 miles.

- What?!
- Oh, yeah.

The last Blockbuster
in existence

is in Bend, Oregon.

Did I not say that?
Strap in, everybody,

the Griffins are
going on a road trip.

Well, it looks like
the family Griffin

is headed off down Holiday Road.

And Lindsey
Buckingham has said no.

Well, that's all right.

I reckon, if you're a
man named Lindsey,

you don't get to call
the shots very often.

Peter, this is crazy.

We can't drive 3,000
miles just to rent a movie.

Would you please turn around?

Lois, the whole family
fun thing was your idea.

Don't get mad at me
'cause I'm following through.

But I only have one
pair of underwear.

Oh, that's not a
problem. I got tons of

women's underwear in the back.

(chuckles): Why,
why do you have that?

Tons of it.

Don't we have a
say in all this, Dad?

Yeah, we don't want to
drive all the way to Oregon.

Aw, it's gonna be fun, guys.

We're gonna see
the whole country,

like we're in one of those

Bruce Springsteen
Jeep commercials.

SPRINGSTEEN: America
is made up of a lot of states.

Some of them really stink,
but some of them don't stink.

- (alarmed mooing)
- So buy a Jeep.

They flip easy,
but you'll be okay.

Probably be okay.

One of the perks of
a cross-country trip

is stopping for a meal and
meeting the friendly folks

who make up the heart
and soul of our country.

Hello, we're from the Northeast.

(dramatic music playing)

Okay, then.

(whispering): We'll
do 55 pancakes to go.

(squawking): Trump!

- Trump!
- Trump!

- Trump.
- Trump.

- Trump! - Trump!
- Trump!

- Trump! Trump!
- Trump!

- Trump! - Trump!
- Trump!

- Trump!
- Trump!

(overlapping squawking)

- Trump! - Trump!
- Trump...

(squawking continues)

(sighs) I'm not
getting any service.

- Where are we?
- Hey, I don't know.

But we can figure it out by
which radio stations come in.

(static)

MAN (on radio): You're
listening to G-U-N-S AM radio.

All guns all the time.

- Is the caller there?
- (three rapid gunshots)

Ha, ha, I couldn't agree more.

Sounds like we're
somewhere between

Washington and Washington.

Well, we got to
almost be there, right?

A few more hours.

Trust me, it'll all be worth it

once we walk into that store.

Plus, I'll be able
to finally return

this copy of Ladyhawke.

You remembered
to rewind that, right?

(all screaming)

♪ ♪

(rewinding noise)

♪ ♪

You know what
I'm thinking, Peter?

Instead of going to
Blockbuster, we drive right into

the first pond we see.

It'll be a quicker
death than this trip.

Guys, look.

Ah! Oh, my God, it's real.

We made it.

Well, I suppose I should
be the responsible one

and release all the car farts.

(flatulence)

You're free now. Go.

(flatulence)

I said go!

(flatulence)

(sobbing)

Here it is, guys.

This is where kids would
come every Friday night

and see their
teacher wearing jeans.

Dad, who's Christian Slater?

Some actors never made
it out of Blockbuster, Chris.

(insects trilling)

Sliver. Fun movie.

Yeah, it's Sharon
Stone, so it's nudity

moms will put up with.

Hmm, it looks like you have
a late fee for Ladyhawke.

Ah, no problem. How much is it?

$32,419.

Look, uh, we traveled a
really long way to get here,

and I kind of promised
my family a movie night.

Oh. Then the plot
just got interesting.

Where are you on your journey?

About the end of act two?

I read a lot of
screenplay books.

There's got to be some
way we can work this out.

Sorry, but we're pretty
strict about our late fees.

We kind of blew up our
whole company for 'em.

So, no money, no rental.

Uh, $32,000, you say?

I don't have that on my person.

♪ Hands ♪

♪ Touching hands ♪

♪ Reaching out ♪

♪ Touching me ♪

♪ Touching you. ♪

Ah, here it comes.
All together now...

- Drive, Lois, drive!
- (turns radio off)

(tires screech)

Nothing worse than a case

of Neil Diamond
blue balls. Am I right?

Peter, just pull over.

We can talk to them
and figure this out.

No. A high-speed
chase is preferred

- over small talk with an employee. Aah!
- (gunshot)

I hear Magic Mike is good.

Way too late, dude.

- (tires screeching)
- (gunshots)

I can lose these guys.

Chris, pour me out a
handful of those Runts.

How's eating candy
gonna help us?

Runts are the hardest
candy in the world.

They're not for eating,
they're for hucking.

- (both cry out)
- (tires screech)

Meg, there's a stack
of posters in the back.

We can throw 'em out
the car and blind 'em.

Just run the
posters by me first.

- Judge Dredd?
- Nah, keep that one.

I want to put it
in the basement.

- Cool World?
- Keep.

- Milk Money?
- Uh, keep.

These are all terrible movies.

Just throw one out.

You know, that
movie still holds up.

It didn't hold up then.

(both crying out)

(sighs) It worked. We lost them.

Yes! No one ruins a
Griffin family fun day.

Who wants a
turnaround high five?

Dad, watch the road!

(all screaming)

(gasps) Is everyone okay?

I swallowed my retainer,

but I'll do a little
stool fishing later.

- (engine not turning
over) - (gunshots)

Oh, they're still after
us. We got to run.

(shotguns pump)

Give up. We got you. It's over.

Well, actually it's not.

I think this might be
the "all is lost" moment.

- What?
- You know, it seems over

because there's an
insurmountable obstacle

in their way, but
instead of giving up,

they double down.

- Lois, we got to jump.
- See?

The fall will kill us.

I've seen Rambo
jump from higher.

I think if we jump
it'll cut to that scene.

Peter, that's crazy.

Do you trust me?

- No!
- (grunts)

♪ ♪

(branches snapping)

Oh, what the hell?

(Griffins grunting)

♪ ♪

(branches snapping)

(all grunting)

- I told you.
- I know.

Peter Griffin, PhD.

Petty, heavy dope.

Wow, she really had
that locked and loaded.

This is crazy. Those
guys are trying to kill us

because of a late movie.

We should just call the police.

Oh, look who's
already walking back

their "Defund the
Police" stance.

Little different
when it's real life

and not trying to impress
Alyssa Milano on Twitter. Hmm?

Oh, this is not good.
It's gonna get dark soon.

- We need a plan.
- Don't worry.

We can hike back to the car

and call for help from the road.

We're gonna get through this.

Now, before we head off,

I'm gonna divvy out our rations.

I'll start with this
pack of Starbursts.

There's pink for you,
orange for you, red for me,

yellow for you, pink
for you, red for me...

You keep giving
yourself all the reds.

It's just completely random.
I'm just going in order.

I can't help where I'm standing.

Okay, where was
I? Yellow for Chris,

- red for me...
- You did it again.

Okay, y-you know,
I tried being fair,

but now I'm just
gonna lick all the reds.

Now they have to be
mine. Next food... Spree.

Green for you, orange
for you, red for me!

I think we're lost.

We're gonna die out here.

Guys, we can't give up now.

We can and I shall.

I'm gonna close my eyes
and go to my happy place,

being screamed at by
children while playing Fortnite.

No, your mom's a whore.

Wait, guys, look.

I think I see a cabin.

It is a cabin. We're saved.

You can't say that
word, Brayden.

None of you can say that word.

(door creaks)

Look, there's a radio. We can...

Watch Sliver on that VCR.

What? No. We
need to call for help.

We can do both.

I am not gonna give
up on this movie night

like we gave up on our marriage.

Four therapy sessions is
enough to know where it's headed.

There's a map on the wall
with government buildings

connected by strings.

Look, I know this hasn't been

the easiest couple
of days, guys,

but it'll all be worth it
once I put this tape in.

I present to you Sliver.

And it's Sliders, season two.

Classic Blockbuster blunder.

Oh, good. You numbskulls
put the wrong movie in here.

I want a refund.

Everybody outside now.

I can't believe this.

All I was trying to do was
have a nice movie night

with my family, and
you guys keep ruining it.

Wow, this is very similar
to a screenplay I wrote.

This guy is too into movies.

Remember, the one I had you read

that was like Love Actually
meets Independence Day?

Uh, yeah, sure, I remember.

- You didn't read it?
- I'm gonna.

Don't be mad at me. Be
mad at, you know, these guys.

I'm sorry, kids,
all I wanted to do

was something
special with you guys.

That one thing you'd
remember doing with me

for the rest of your
lives, but I failed.

Another failure in a
long string of failures.

Are you kidding, Dad?

- This has been the most exciting day ever.
- It has?

Yeah. We left the house
three days ago to rent a movie

and now we're in the middle
of the woods in Oregon

and might get murdered
by Blockbuster guys.

Like, what is this?

Yeah, we never know
what you're gonna do.

It's usually silly or dangerous,

but it's also kind of awesome.

Yeah. Remember
when he had tiny arms

- for, like, three months?
- Or when he brought home that horse.

Or that falcon. Or that parrot.

Lot of illegal animals.

Or when that little
guy lived in his neck.

What the hell was that?

Every few years he
fights a giant chicken

and destroys a city.

No one's named a good thing yet.

You had a blimp
with your face on it.

Your mother put me on
pills after I bought that.

You see, Dad, we
don't need a movie night

for us to remember you.

Every day is like a
movie night with you.

Well, I guess Mom
knew what she was doing

when she insisted
on family fun day.

Super sweet moment, guys.

I'm gonna assume
this was all a callback

to something in act one.

Time to go outside now.

Guys, please, I'm the
one with the late fees.

Don't hurt my
family. I'll do anything.

Well, I have this screenplay,
it-it's an epic sci-fi,

and it's mostly stage
directions where they...

Just kill us!

(all gasp)

What the hell?!

(both grunt)

Amazon drones? You saved us.

Once again a streaming
service annihilates a Blockbuster.

Wa-boosh.

How did you even
know we were here?

DRONE: Based on your recent
purchases, viewing habits and stored data,

we determined that
you were being chased

through the wilderness
by the last two

Blockbuster employees on Earth.

Wow. Scary.

I owe you an apology, Amazon.

You're a pretty
amazing service after all.

DRONE 2: Yes, I agree. Amazon
workers should not unionize.

I-I didn't... I didn't say that.

Well, they sure can play
dumb when they want to.

Please stop spying on us, Alexa.

Okay. Playing holiday music now.

♪ And since we've
no place to go ♪

♪ Let it snow, let it
snow, let it snow. ♪

Well, that Blockbuster
adventure sure was fun,

but we should probably
just watch movies

at home from now on.

You know, Dad, while
we were flying home,

I did order something
special for you.

Sliver! We can still do
our old-school movie night.

I'll hook up the VCR.

Aw, damn it, we can't watch it.

I don't have the
right adaptor cable.

The last Circuit
City in the U.S.

is in St. Augustine, Florida.

- Let's go.
- (all cheer)

PETER (over Echo):
I'll start the car.

(chuckles) Looks like
the Griffins are at it again.

Hi, I'm Jeff Bezos,
and I'm rich and bald.

Guess which one
matters. Good night.