Family Guy (1998–…): Season 21, Episode 1 - Oscars Guy - full transcript

Hi, I'm Peter Griffin.

It's almost Oscar night.

Boy, we've lost so many greats
this year,

including
a dead costume designer

who will get spill-over applause

from the photo of Sean Connery
that directly precedes him.

Tonight, we salute
some past Best Picture winners,

whichever ones I spin
on this wheel.

The wheel has spoken!

The Silence of the Lambs.

Ah... what a beautiful day
to not get bodily fluids



thrown in your face and hair.

And now, for some rock tunes
to pump me up.

Oh, right,
'cause it's the early '90s.

Vaulting over a log.

Jumping a water hazard.

Climbing up a cargo net.

Becoming an FBI agent
is basically

like being on
Battle of the Network Stars.

- Aah!
- Agent Starling.

Good to see you.

Wh-Why is your face so big?

Oh, this movie is mostly
extreme close-ups.

Oh. Yeah. Weird.

Anyway, sorry you had to
come so quickly,



but this thing
with no timetable couldn't wait.

We need you to talk to
a super smart psychopath.

How smart?

Like, he can do
the New York Times crossword

through Thursday.

Friday, he can maybe get
a corner or two.

So, what's the job?

Fancy creep, eats people.

- Talk to him.
- Got it.

And this is a big deal,
'cause you're a woman.

We're not gonna say
it's a big deal,

but everyone watching
will know it's a big deal

'cause of the time period,

even though
a man is helping you.

Now run along, toots.

So, you're in the FBI, huh?

Me, too.

Got this bad boy
in Venice Beach.

Okay, all right.

You can talk to Lecter now.

Hello, Clarice.

Dr. Lecter, I need your help.

Nope, nope, nope. I'll only help
if there's a quid pro quo.

Okay, what is it?

I want Mario Lopez to record
my outgoing voice mail message.

What?! You're insane!

He's a huge star
at this specific sliver of time.

Figure it out.
Those are my terms.

Sorry, these Capri Suns are
notoriously difficult to open.

You need some help?

Yeah, thanks.

I can't seem to get
this giant 1991 computer

into the back of my van.

Careful, I had it on for
20 minutes, so it's very hot.

Okay, I got what you asked for.

Hey, this is Mario Lopez

letting you know
that Hannibal Lecter

can't get to the phone
right now,

so please leave a message.

And now, I think I'm about
to be saved by the...

Not good enough!

I wanted him to record it
as Slater.

What?! You never said that!

It should've been understood.

Don't test me, Starling.

A census taker did that once,

and I ate his liver
with dry Cheerios

and a mashed-up banana.

Sorry, I'm just
a little nervous.

When I was a girl,

I went to live
on my uncle's farm,

and I heard
these lambs screaming,

screaming as they were
being slaughtered.

It was horrible.

And I want to thank
Alan Weiss at William Morris.

Also, my high school
drama teacher, Lucas Wohl.

Oh, they were just killing
those poor lambs.

I wanted to save them,
but I couldn't.

And, Mandy and Jenny at home,
go to bed, kids.

Mommy did it!

I am coming home
with one of these!

CVS brand lotion?

It's the same ingredients
as Nivea.

It puts the off-brand lotion
on its skin,

or else it gets the hose again.

The top isn't even a pump.

You're paying for the pump!

Dr. Lecter,
we are running out of time.

I need you to give me some clue,

anything that might lead me
in the right direction.

His name's Buffalo Bill,
heavyset blond kid

who lives in that crappy place
behind McDonald's.

Hmm.

I'll have to really lean

on my budding criminology skills

to decipher
these obscure breadcrumbs.

Coming up, dinner.

But first, I turn my back
to a dangerous murderer.

Oh, hey, Sarge. Your wife
called and said it was urgent.

Oh, uh, okay.

Yeah,
she sounded very not happy.

You need to call her back ASAP.

Got it, thanks.

Starting to think
I did this guy a favor.

It puts its finger
on the doorbell.

We're looking for someone.

Have you seen her?

Oh, wait, is she
that great, big, huge, plump,

very large, Rubenesque,
fat girl who went missing?

Yes, she is rather heavy,

and as you can see,
not particularly attractive.

We've had reports
that her personality

is quite grating as well.

I can still hear you guys!

I'm not loving
this night vision setting.

Maybe I should try
Night at the Roxbury vision.

It puts the bullet
in the fat guy.

And, for having
successfully scaled a cargo net

and connecting two note cards
with a piece of red string,

Clarice Starling, you are now
officially a lady FBI.

You should probably answer that.

I mean, you're the closest thing
to a secretary in here.

Ugh.

Hello, FBI.
This is Clarice speaking.

Hello, Clarice.

I just wanted to let you know
that I respect you,

and how important it is
that you're a woman.

Thank you for saying so, Doctor.

'Cause if you were a man,

I would definitely be captured
or dead by now.

- Oh, I...
- Like if you're Clint Eastwood,
I'm dead.

- Harrison Ford? Dead.
- Well, Doctor,
I've really got...

You know, I'm not betting
against the Twin Peaks guy...

What's his name?
Creepy white guy.

- Kyle MacLachlan.
- Kyle MacLachlan, right.

How do I keep forgetting that?

It's like in my top five
dude names. I have a list.

- Dr. Lecter,
I really have to go.
- So do I.

I'm having an old friend
for dinner.

Y-You're gonna eat a friend?

That was kind of
supposed to be the last line,

and you ruined it.

I'm gonna say it again
and then hang up quickly.

I'm having an old friend
for dinner.

- What?!
- Oh, my God, this bitch.

My name is...

whatever Kevin Spacey's name was
in this movie.

I bet you think
behind that door is

a happy, all-American family.

Nope.

Just me in the shower

with Johnson & Johnson
and Johnson.

There were some tears.

That's my wife out there,
cutting roses.

Oh, just a heads-up,
there's a ton of roses in this.

I guess they're supposed to
mean something.

You know, when I agreed to this,

I 100% thought it was
American Pie.

Always read the second word
of the title

before you sign something.

Oh, hi, Carolyn.
We're your gay neighbors.

That's right,
and we're the only happy people

in the entire film.

Oh, that's the other thing.

This movie really
wants you to know

that traditional families are
the messed-up ones.

If you don't want
two hours of that,

go turn on The Matrix.

Aw, why aren't we doing that?

Have a great day,

two-dimensional '90s
gay neighbors!

- Who are both named Jim.
- Right, who are both named Jim.

- Good morning, my darling.
- Hello, my love.

Keep in mind
that 9/11 hasn't happened yet.

So a strained family dynamic

is still the most
dramatic thing there is.

Wow, what a beautiful,
fully heterosexual neighborhood.

Yeah, no.
What's up is down here, bro.

Oh, hi, you must be
our new neighbors.

I'm Carolyn Burnham,

RE/MAX's top crying realtor
in the area.

Uh, thanks,
but we just bought a house,

so we don't really need
a realtor.

- You don't?
- S-Sorry.

It's okay. You know what?

We'll buy another one.

Oh, great. Great.

Oh, looks like
your son and my daughter

are getting to know each other.

Check out this video I took
of a plastic bag.

I'm thinking about sending it in

to America's Funniest
Home Videos.

Really? Do you think
it's funny enough?

I don't know.
I just want to spend $2,000

flying to Los Angeles
to maybe win $1,000.

That's halftime.

And now, please welcome
the Suburbia High School

cheer quad,
the Dockers Zipper Pushers.

Who is that?

Ah! Ah, damn it! Ah, stop. Stop.

I have seasonal allergies, guys.

All right.

Now the marching band to play

the Suburbia High School
fight song.

Geez, again with this song?

Shut up and kiss me,
other gay Jim.

Oh, no. No.

I'm very against that.

Remember that for later.

The next day, I quit my job

and was in no way
run out of the industry

for groping a busboy
in Nantucket.

It was a joke.
I was razzing the guy.

Come on.

I got a new job at a fake movie
fast food restaurant.

God, why are movies so bad
at naming restaurants?

Welcome to Mr. Smiley's
BurgerTownVilleLand.

Would you like to try
a Large McIntyre?

Yes, my lover and I will each
have adultery burgers.

Second window.

- Two adultery burgers.
- Lester!

Listen,
let's not make a big scene here.

We can talk about this
when we get...

You don't get to tell me
what to do anymore.

We need more ketchup.

All right, there are some things
you can tell me to do.

After that, I started
lifting weights in my garage.

But I lost track of a spider

that crawled
behind the heavy ones,

so I had to use the dainty
weights ladies walk with.

Oh, hey. You got those drugs?

Yep, right here.

Oh, my God.

Look at that plastic bag.

So beautiful.

Do you do a lot of the drugs
yourself?

I do, yes.

Okay, let me just get
on my knees

and roll a joint at crotch level
like all drug dealers do.

Great, and I'll just lean back,
away from the drugs

like all drug users do.

What the hell?

Am I seeing
what I think I'm seeing?

Help me out here, Mr. Furley.

How did this thing win an Oscar?

It's basically Austin Powers.

Yo, yo, check this out.

What if, like, Kramer is just

a figment of Jerry's
imagination?

- Wow. Yeah.
- 'Cause think about it.

We-we never see him interacting
with anyone else.

Yeah.

- Well-well, wait. I mean...
- we-we do.

Oh, boy, am I glad you're here.

I don't think I like
what I saw earlier.

Oh, was it The Phantom Menace,

which also came out
this same year?

Yeah, what a mess.

Ricky, go on home.
I need to talk to Lester.

Aw, I don't want to.

There's plastic bags.

There are?

Hey, you know how there's
two things we know for sure?

We'll always be able to
bring box cutters on planes,

- and I'm heterosexual?
- Yeah, of course.

Well, turns out only one of
those things is true.

Mm...

Look, I think I gave you
the wrong idea

with these pink weights and
pantomiming oral with your son.

- I'm straight.
- I'm so sorry!

I got to go start a megachurch!

Eh, seems right.

Oh, hey,
what are you doing here?

I have a flight tomorrow,

and Jane said I could borrow
your box cutter.

Man, I love cutting boxes
on planes.

And also... and this is kind of
embarrassing and unearned...

But I think you're sexy,
and I want to have sex with you.

Ah, sweet! Let's do this!

I should let you know,
I'm a virgin.

Not a deal-breaker.

And I should let you know

I'm Chris Hansen
from To Catch a Predator.

Aw, crap. Somebody shoot me.

Sorry, I didn't mean to...

Whoa, you're Chris Hansen!

Hey, what do you do with all
the leftover pedophile pizza?

Well, that was American Beauty.

See you at the Oscars.

I'll be there with my mom.

That's not a big, obvious sign
of something, right?

- How's work, Ralph?
- It's a breeze.

- Give my best to Judy.
- Will do.

Hi, my name's Forrest.

Forrest Gump.

Would it be okay
if I sugarcoat race relations

in the South for
the next two and a half hours?

Honey, I'm a Black woman
in a '90s Hollywood movie,

- that's what I'm here for.
- Great.

My mama always said life was
like a box of Good & Plenty:

most people just throw it away.

One day on the bus to school,

I met Jenny.

She was the love of my life.

Hey, look, it's a guy
with nonstandard legs.

Let's bully and
throw rocks at him and not me.

Run, Forrest, run!

And in a magical moment

whose explanation
I assume was cut for time,

I could suddenly run very fast.

But I happened to do it

in front of the meanest
lifeguard in Alabama.

- No running!
- It's for a movie. God.

I was such a fast runner,

I went on to play
college movie football,

where all the tacklers dive
two feet behind you and miss.

After I graduated,

I joined the Army
and got shipped off to war.

Vietnam is where I met
my best friend, Bubba,

who really wanted to have
his own squid fishing boat.

In fact, he knew just about

everything you could do
with a squid.

Well, there's calamari...

That's about it.

Ambush!

Oh, my God, Lieutenant Dan!

Damn it, save yourself, Gump.

- Leave me here.
- All right.

Bubba was also shot.

And as always happens
when a soldier dies,

we discussed business ideas.

I'm dying, Forrest.

I want you to buy
a squid boat in my honor.

How about a gym
exclusively for big white women?

- There could be machines that...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You had me at "big white women."

After I got home from Vietnam,

I got to speak
at a generic protest.

There's only one thing
to say about Vietnam:

I had this awesome red stuff
on all my food.

I don't 'member
what it's called.

It's not hot sauce,
but it's not ketchup.

I think it's got
a rooster on the label.

Forrest!

Jenny!

Aah! Son of a bitch!

See, guys?
This is why no running.

And then... I know,
it's still not over yet...

I bought a squid boat.

Lieutenant Dan was also
working with me.

And you know
who's super helpful on a boat

that's constantly rocking
in the water?

A wheelchair guy.

Hey, Forrest, I got our lunches.

So after I was rich,

Jenny came back
and had sex with me one time.

Wow, that was great.

Sorry I was naming presidents
during.

So, we getting married or what?

You don't want to marry me,
Forrest.

Yeah, you're right.

Okay, well, have a good night.

And then,
shockingly late in the movie,

I started running again.

Like, across the country.

Several times.

The whole sequence
is a full eight minutes.

I mean, sometimes this whole
movie feels like it was written

by a seven-year-old
who just ate a bunch of candy.

But I checked,
it's just a regular guy.

Anyway, at least we were finally

to the time
in our nation's history

when I could listen to this.

Forrest!

I brought you chocolates
picked over by strangers.

Forrest, I'm sick.

Sick? With what?

Oh, I did a movie
about that once.

It's called Splash.

No, Forrest.

Oh, I thought you said mermaids.

But I did a movie about
your thing, too.

But that's not all.

I want you to meet my son.

Six hours in makeup. One line.

You're his father.

Father?

Is he... like me?

Uhp, you died.

And... feather!