Family Guy (1998–…): Season 20, Episode 20 - Jersey Bore - full transcript

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Boy, oh, boy.

-Is it Friday yet?
-Tomorrow.



And actually, in Tasmania,
it's already Friday.

I thought you'd be more fun.

Griffin, you'll be
very happy to know

I've finished conducting

my employee productivity
evaluations.

I used a system called

the Determining Employee
Advancement,

Duties, Work-Engagement,
Intelligence-Gains Hourly Test,

or DEADWEIGHT.

And my results show you

to be the brewery's
least productive employee.

-So, pack your bags.
-I'm fired?

No, you're going on a business
trip with me as my assistant,

since you won't be missed
at the office.



We're meeting with
our New Jersey distributor

in Atlantic City.

Everyone,
I'll be away on business

for a few days
starting tomorrow,

so we're bringing in
a substitute boss.

I hope he's a hard-ass.

But what if he's wearing jeans?

Hey, guys, my first name is Dan,

which is what
you'll all call me.

Now, who wants to watch
Ratatouille?

Sorry, that guy over there
tripped me.

Mr. Edwards,
the guidance counselor?

Yeah, the bullying
in this school has gotten

a little out of hand.

You must be Heather,
the new girl.

How'd you know I was new?

I'm Quahog's
number three Realtor.

I really wanted to sell
that house to your folks,

but you're in great hands
with Gil.

What's this?

Principal Shepherd is directing

an adaptation of Baz Luhrmann's

William Shakespeare's
Romeo and Juliet.

The local Ruth's Chris
Steak House is sponsoring it.

I'm playing Juliet.

Wow. You're Juliet

in Ruth's Chris's
Principal Shepherd's

Baz Luhrmann's
William Shakespeare's

Romeo and Juliet?

Yes, it's great,

but we're auditioning
for a new Romeo.

The parents of
the boy we cast said

he needed
emergency conversion therapy.

Anyway, nice to meet you, Chris.

I have to be in that play.

Nice hat, dork!

That's not nice, Mrs. Danneman,
the elderly school nurse.

Peter, is something wrong?

We've been here an hour,

and you've hardly touched
your penis.

It's not like you.
It's getting cold.

Sorry, guys.

I just found out
I have to meet my stupid boss

in Atlantic City
for a business trip.

Peter, business trips are great.

Yeah, haven't you seen
Cedar Rapids with Ed Helms?

He plays a salesman
who goes to a conference

in the titular city.

There, he encounters
three repeat attendees

who lead him
on a profound weekend journey,

equal parts hope
and self-discovery.

I memorize Rotten Tomatoes
movie descriptions.

You'll have one meeting,
and then the rest of the time

-you just party.
-Party with Preston?

But he doesn't drink.

I wish you guys could come.

Wait a minute. Why not?

You guys should drive down
with me.

-All right!
-Let's do it!

Cedar Rapids,
rated R for drug use

and mild sexual content!

I've never been
to Atlantic City.

Let's just watch this ad
from their tourism department.

Welcome to Atlantic City,

the inspiration for Bruce
Springsteen's saddest song.

Want to see brown ocean water
stained with gasoline rainbows?

Come on down to Atlantic City!

Love to watch guys with no noses
fight women with trach holes?

You're in luck!

And if you're wondering
where Taylor Hicks has been,

he's here!

In a small lounge
with a low stage.

Atlantic City!

Come flick a lit cigarette
at a dealer today!

"Published by
the Samuel French Company,

"New York, copyright this ed.

MCMLXX."

- What are you doing?
- -Reading Romeo and Juliet.

We're doing it at school,

and this girl I like
is playing Juliet.

I'm going to audition for Romeo.

There's kissing.

Chris, listen,
acting isn't easy.

You're going to need some help.

See what I'm doing?
Scarf, a high stool?

One leg up,
hands clasped over knee?

Engaged and in the moment.

Do you know what this means?

-You're gay...
-An acting coach, yes.

What does a baby
know about acting?

Yes, I'm a baby.

It's hard being youngest,

always looking for a way
to distinguish myself,

to contribute.

Stewie, I-I didn't mean it.

Neither did I.
That was acting, Chris.

Wow. You're amazing.

Do you think you can give me
some pointers?

It will be my great honor.

That was also acting.

Thought I'd swing by work first

and pick up a case of beer
for the road.

Then we're off.

Hear him breathe?

AC's on full blast,
and he's covered in sweat.

Lois'll be a widow soon, right?

Yeah, he's circling the drain.

And let me guess--
no estate planning?

Would you guys tell me
if my car smelled this bad?

Everywhere I look,
I see another stray french fry.

Hey, guys? I know
I'm new to the group,

but Peter's not here
to defend himself,

so I don't think it's right for
us to talk about him like this.

Griffin?
What are you doing here?

Oh, hey, Preston.

Why do you have a case of beer?

Oh. Oh, this?
Um, uh, samples.

-For clients.
-Excellent idea.

Say, why don't you
just drive me?

That way I can be productive
the entire trip.

It'll be like Green Book,
a movie I only saw

because I believed it
to be a book.

Oh, yeah, you know,
I once tried to read Jaws

'cause I thought
it was the movie.

Couldn't go into a library
for years after that.

Guys, listen,
Preston wants to drive with me.

He can't know you're all coming,
so everyone in the way back.

I'm not hiding
in the back of your car.

Why? There's nothing in there
except for Lois' jog bras.

All right, you heard the man!
Everyone in!

These are Meg's!
We've been duped!

Hop in, boss.

If I speed, we can make it
in four hours.

You'll do a steady
55 miles per hour,

and we will stop
to read historical markers

- along the way.

Starting with the Museum

- of Black Guy Mustaches.
- Oh!

Some hotel.

They only had smoking rooms

and very smoking rooms.

Check it out, a stack of
prewritten suicide notes.

All you have to do is
sign your name.

This place has everything.

I wish there were
more than two beds.

I'll just sleep in my chair.

You sleep sitting up, Joe?

Yeah, Bonnie puts
a falcon hood on me,

and I go right out.

I'm calm and no longer
motivated by prey.

Griffin, open up.

Guys, hide in the shower.

Hello, Griffin.
I'm right next door

in a slightly larger room.

Seems like
an unnecessary detail.

Here is
this weekend's itinerary.

We're working all weekend?!

Griffin, our New Jersey
distributor is threatening

to drop our beer
in favor of hard seltzer,

because... New Jersey.

I need to convince them

that we are the best
scumbag beverage around.

If we lose this account,
we lose the brewery.

And then it's time
to cast open the windows

and drop to
the freedom of the pavement.

I read that in a stack of
suicide notes in my room.

See you at 1800 hours, Peter.

I better shower
because I have no idea

how soon or late that is.

Hey!
Ah!

- What the hell?!
- Sorry, I forgot.

Why are you at half-mast?

I'm 45, Joe. That's full mast.

Chris, any good acting coach
will tell you

that before your audition,
it's important to warm up.

Now let's improv.
Give me a location.

Stewie's bedroom.

Okay, maybe just spend
another second on...

Stewie's bedroom!

Okay, fine. And a profession?

Acting teacher.

Again, maybe just give it
one more...

Failed actor?

I got tired of
playing their game!

It's okay, Stewie.

After a few noes,
these young Brandos

lose a little of their vinegar.

Tell you what, let's improv
as Romeo and Juliet.

You be he, I'll be she.

Get in. Let's get in.

I'd like permission
to go inside, Juliet.

Hi, Juliet!

I'm not--
I'm not there just yet.

All right, Juliet is
eluding me a little.

My transformation
is not yet complete.

Hi, Juliet!

Damn it, Chris! I'm not ready!

But you were standing
like a girl.

My bodywork was perfect, yes,

but I still hadn't
touched the soul.

All right, all right,
even though you're off

to a rough start, it's okay.

Even Michelangelo wasn't
appreciated until later in life.

-Hey, how's Jakey doing?
-He's good.

They got him building arches
over at the Coliseum.

Big construction job.
How about Mikey?

Yeah, he's, um...

he's been carving dongs
out of marble.

You know, something different.

Wow. This place is... sad.

I'm one of
the skinniest guys here.

Guys, Preston's coming. Beat it.

I'm 11 seconds late.

I'll credit you the time
in our two-minute break

in 180 minutes.

Let's work.

"Pawtucket Patriot Ale:

"The Best Carbonated
Fermented Alcoholic Beverage

Made from Malted Cereal Grain
for the New Jersey Market."

-Zing.
-That's not very catchy.

I didn't bring you
for your opinions, Griffin.

I brought you for your width.

Now, stand up while I project
my presentation on your back.

This is humiliating.

I got to figure out a way
to escape Preston

and join the guys.

"Which is why our beer is
the best beer

for the Garden State."

And now for a restorative
60-second power nap.

You'll nail this audition,
Chris.

Behind you, fellas.

-Oh, hi, Meg.
-That's not her.

All high school theater
tech girls just look like Meg.

Chris Griffin to the stage,
please.

Okay, Chris. Go time.

Curtain rises, lights up,
a story begins.

And today our story is
about a rising star

in Constellation Showbiz Major:
Chris Griffin.

At the Stewie Griffin Workshop,

he's studied
Commercial Technique

and Acting for Camera,

and will soon be seen
in a local news story

about kids
who throw stuff at birds.

Enter... Chris.

"She doth teach the torches
to burn..."

Great! It's fine, Chris.
The part's yours.

I got my first-ever response
on Tinder,

and I got to make
this happen now.

"Are you sure you're not

a baby pretending to be
a middle-aged divorcée?"

"Would a baby be wearing a sheer
chemise from Lane Bryant?"

Chris, congratulations!

We did it, Stewie.

Oh, my God,
I'm going to kiss Heather!

Thanks again for all your help.

Dear boy,
I'm not going anywhere.

My coaching will continue.

Today's lesson:
Acting teachers are weirdos

who always grab your hands
like this,

and you can't do
anything about it.

No! No.

No.

This is awesome.

Here's to us,
doing what we normally do,

but in a different place.

Griffin. I knew
I'd find you in a bar.

I am furious.

But that doesn't mean
you shouldn't introduce me

to your friends
as a common courtesy.

Oh, yeah. Uh, Quagmire,
Cleveland, Joe.

Want to see Sebastian Maniscalco
with us in the Stardust Room?

He's that comedian
who's always startled

by the pasta
he takes pictures with.

No. I'm too busy
trying to save our jobs.

Go home, Griffin.

You are useless to me
and the brewery.

You will never amount
to anything at work.

Oh, yeah? Well, you'll never
amount to anything at life.

You don't know how to
make friends or have fun.

You never even tasted
the beer you sell.

At least I know
why it's special.

Maybe you're right.

I don't quite understand
its appeal.

Well, here's your chance.

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la,
la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la... ♪

For the record,
I've never seen this movie.

Actors onstage.

I think you mean,
company, positions!

Now, this is the scene
where Mercutio warns Romeo

about Juliet's angry brother
Tybalt.

Who's playing Mercutio?

A ten-ounce bone-in rib eye.

Man, Ruth's Chris really has
their hooks in this thing.

Okay, Chris, move to the right.

-Stage left.
-Heather, come forward.

-Downstage.
-And to the right.

-Stage left.
-Back up, Chris.

Upstage, Chris.

-Stop.
-Stage go.

Am I scared of Tybalt?

Yes, but Juliet can't know.

I'm gonna build on that,
if I may.

Ignore that direction, Chris.

No, Chris, follow the emotion
and take it further.

Great note. Chris,
don't listen to the note.

Take it further.

Of course,
absolutely take it further

but in the opposite direction.

Who's in charge here?

I'm starting to wonder
that myself.

If you're trying to drive me
out of my own production,

- you've got another...

Oh, my first response
on Farmers Only.

A divorcée in Ohio
wants to show me

her sheer Lane Bryant teddy.

Fine. The show's yours.

Oh, man, my head is killing me.

Did... did we do
something bad last night?

Something really bad?

Preston texted me at 2:00 a.m.

What do we do?

If Preston isn't
at that presentation,

the brewery's gonna go under!

Hotel cribs are always so comfy.

I wish I knew where to get
one of these puppies.

Guys, Preston's missing!
We got to find him!

That hooker in the bathroom
was dead when I found her!

Okay, Preston's
not answering texts,

and the presentation's
in three hours.

We got to retrace our steps.

We've been to
every strip joint in town

and can't find Preston anywhere.

We hit Uggoz, with a "Z"
at the end.

Jersey Girlz,
with a "Z" on the end.

C Sectionz, with a "Z"
on the end.

I think we can all agree
that the "Z" on the end

takes sexy to the next level.

And when the "Z" is a little
tilted on the sign,

ooh-la-la.

Hey, do you remember seeing us
last night

with a dignified Black man?

Getting a little tired of you
punching that word.

No, just you four.

But that pilot there said
he'd pay for my college.

That doesn't sound like me.

Two-year community college?

Oh, yeah, that--
Yeah, that sounds like me.

I really like working with you,
Heather.

Me, too, Chris.

By the way,

if you want to go in
for a real kiss today,

I won't stop you.

Places, everyone.

And I want to see acting today.

No more amateur hour.

- Oh, Romeo.
- I don't believe you.

-Again.
-Oh, Romeo.

-Bring it down.
-Oh, Romeo.

-Bring it up.
-Oh, Romeo!

Can we get a sip of water
for our actress?

- She's sounding a little...
- "smacky."

That's it! I quit!

I am too pretty and rich
to put up with this.

She is rich.
Her dad owns a bunch of

Ruth's Chris Steak Houses.

Stewie, you ruined everything.

I was finally going to kiss
a beautiful, nice girl.

She had my heart
and I had hers.

Why must dark forces conspire

to extinguish love's light?

Everyone,
we finally have our Romeo.

Thanks, Stewie.

But what about Juliet?

Don't you worry.

Ruth's Chris's Stewie Griffin's
Principal Shepherd's

Baz Luhrmann's
William Shakespeare's

Romeo and Juliet...

-What was the question?
-I-I don't remember.

Hello, I lost my boss,

so I'll be
your substitute presenter today.

But, uh,
no watching Ratatouille.

We don't get that joke

which references something
from earlier.

"The Importance of Pawtucket
Patriot Ale Products

"in Relation to
the Greater New Jersey Market,

as Prepared by Preston Lloyd."

I've already lost 'em.

What can I do?

I need a beer.

Ah... much better.

Wait a minute. That's it!

Look,
you're not gonna understand beer

with numbers or PowerPoints.

Beer is good
because it makes you feel better

and do awesome things
you wouldn't normally do.

Beer makes memories
that will last...

until you black out.

And when you forget,
there are no regrets.

Beer is courage--

the courage to moon people
from a not-moving car.

Beer helps you
achieve new heights,

atop the shoulders
of unwilling strangers

in a chicken fight.

Beer makes you grab
the brass ring,

or the taser
of a casino security guy.

But if you won't listen to me,

listen to Supreme Court Justice
Brett Kavanaugh.

I liked beer.
Still like beer.

Beer is great
because life is hard.

Don't make it harder
with seltzer.

Oh, my God. You're cheering me.

No, we just saw
a picture of Bon Jovi

on the wall behind you.

But you still won us over.

Pawtucket Patriot Ale will stay

the choice of
New Jersey alcoholics.

Preston! You're alive!

Yes. And thanks to you,
so is our company.

But how are you even standing?

Peter, I had one sip,
found it disgusting,

then watched you get
totally annihilated

in three minutes flat.

I realized only a true drunk
could save the brewery.

That's why I sent you
that text last night.

I spent the morning enjoying

all four Monopoly
railroad properties.

I love trains.

I'm on the spectrum.

Why didn't you respond to texts?

Looking at trains. Love trains.

I also love watching
an employee go

from least productive to...
well, kind of productive.

Thanks for believing in me,
Preston.

Hey, you want to go
down to the pier

and watch the bodies float in?

I'd like that.

Ooh, there's one.

Oh, that bird is going to town
on him.

Oh, there's another one
with no hands and no feet.

What do you think it is,
Russians?

Always the Russians.

How come the bodies
are all so fat?

They're full of water, Peter.

Is that why I'm so big?

On account of the water?

No, Peter.
You are aggressively obese.

You have no self-control.

If you don't change your ways,

you are going to die
prematurely.

Oh, look, a lady!

Yes, Peter. A lady.

Here's to my love.

Oh, true apothecary,

thy drugs are quick.

Thus, with a kiss...

I die.

Oh, no, Romeo's dead.

Now he can't enjoy
Ruth's Chris Steak House's

Surf-and-Turf
Two-for-One Fridays.

He did it.

The son of a bitch did it.