Family Guy (1998–…): Season 20, Episode 19 - First Blood - full transcript

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy. ♪

(indistinct chatter)

Everyone, welcome
to our summer block party.



- Now, eat and drink up.
- Yeah.

And also enjoy Pandora.
It's great music,

and all the ads
are tailored to me.

ANNOUNCER:
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delivers right to your door.

Don't tell your doctor
about your heart problem,

or he might not
give you the penis pill.

Hims for Men.

Uh, must be some kind of mix-up.

I-I don't even know
what that product is.

Hi. I have an unmarked,
discreet delivery

- addressed to "Peter Griffin's Penis"?
- Ah, yes.

I will take these
business papers. Thank you.



This was supposed
to be here yesterday.

I had to use tape
and a Popsicle stick.

All right,
time to Slippery Slide.

You sure?
Slippery Slides are a nightmare

of unexpected bumps and mishaps.

Really?
'Cause the multicultural kids

on the box
seem to be having fun.

- Hi.
- Hola.

I'm a real boy
who was put here by a witch.

Okay, Bri, watch and learn.

(laughing)

Yay! Fun!

Aah! (grunts)

Ah, public humiliation.

You must be
a United States senator.

(laughs) Good one, Joe.

Come join me at the barbecue
with the other favored men.

Yeah, we're having a blast.

No, no, no. No, no. No.

Wow, Meg insisted

that one corner of the grill
be vegan,

and then she ate a rib
in front of everybody.

She's all over the place today.

Oh, my God,
there's blood in my pants.

And it's coming from my crotch.

I've seen enough commercials
during The Good Wife

to know there's
only one explanation.

Rupert, I'm having my period.

It's a true rite of passage,

like an Italian's baptism.

In the name of the Father,
the Son and the Holy Ghost,

you will now drive a Camaro,

hate every minute
of your yearly vacation to Italy

and get very upset
when your sister starts to date.

Sorry I'm late. I brought Clark.

MEN: Hey!

Father, drown me in this water.

She's breaking my heart.

I'm exhausted.
Three beers at a barbecue,

and my whole night
was hand-against-the-wall pees.

What happened to me?
I feel like...

I feel like I'm in a funk.

CLEVELAND: I'm also in a funk.

But, nah, I, too,
feel age-related weariness.

Yeah, I'm also pretty down.
My real estate agent died.

- What?
- My real estate agent.

Like most single men,
my only Christmas cards

are from my realtor
and the guy who sold me my car.

We kind of aged together.

♪ I seem to recognize ♪

♪ Your face ♪

(dialogue inaudible)

♪ Haunting familiar,
yet I can't seem ♪

♪ To place it ♪

♪ Cannot find the candle
of thought ♪

♪ To light your name ♪

♪ Lifetimes are catching up
with me ♪

♪ All these changes
taking place ♪

♪ I wish I'd seen the place ♪

♪ But no one's ever taken me ♪

♪ Hearts and thoughts,
they fade ♪

♪ Fade away ♪

♪ Hearts and thoughts,
they fade ♪

♪ Fade. ♪

How did he die?

He was screwing a client's wife,

and the guy shot him.

You know, I'm pretty down, too.

The other day, I was watching
the birthdays segment

on Entertainment Tonight.

Axl Rose is 60.

Wow, 60?
Cleveland, how old is Heavy D?

- Dead.
- Aw, that sucks.

And I don't know about you guys,

but I'm terrified
of everything now.

Like teenagers.

I hear that.
If I see one on my route,

I don't deliver the mail.

- What do you do with it?
- Throw it in the ocean.

A seagull once fished out
a college acceptance letter.

Got to go to Fordham.

Welcome
to the Fordham class of 2026.

(seagull squawking)

(chuckles): All right.
Glad someone's excited.

Man, what the hell
happened to us?

Why are we such losers?

♪ ♪

Sounds like you fellas are
finding yourselves in a trough.

Oh, hey, Mr. Mayor. How are you?

Hey, can we talk about expanding
bike lanes in urban centers?

- Quagmire, shut up.
- You shut up.

We're not gonna change the Earth
with silence, Peter.

If I may say so,

I think you boys need to stop
sitting in bars and cubicles

and go recapture
your frontier spirit.

Two terrible airlines?

I own a dude ranch
on the outskirts of town.

You fellas
should spend a weekend there.

You'd be surprised
what a man can achieve

when he steps away
from the comforts of city life.

I bet you'll find your courage

and, who knows,
maybe even some peace of mind.

Well, I think going there
sounds like a great idea.

Yeah, it's exactly what we need.

- I'm in!
- I've never seen a horse.

Great, it's settled.
We are going to a dude ranch.

- All right!
- Yeehaw!

I happen to know Austin, Texas,
has eight-foot bicycle lanes.

Now, I'm not looking
for anything that expansive,

but if a greener Quahog
is what we're after,

I think we've got to start
moving the needle.

Oh, so just get rid
of the sidewalks?

That's not what I'm saying, Joe.

It sounds like that's
what you're saying.

Hey, whatever this is?

Wrap it up before y'all
show up to the ranch.

Yes, sir.
And do we need special clothes

- for ranch dressing?
- I'd wrap that up, too.

♪ ♪

(car door closes)

- Wow, look at this place.
- It's pretty cool.

Oh, that's a horse.
I've seen those.

- Morning, fellas.
- Morning, Mr. Mayor.

Hey, can I get a room
far away from the ice machine?

- Ice machine?
- See, that's...

that's why
I want to be away from it.

Fellas, I think
we had a miscommunication.

This isn't a hotel.
It's a working ranch.

You'll do your chores
during the day

and sleep in the barn at night.

What? I thought
this was a vacation.

Yeah, I thought it'd be fun,
like Young Guns

with Kiefer Sutherland
and Blue Diamond Walnuts.

Sorry, but you're not gonna find

your pioneer spirit in a hotel.

Here, have a hat.

My own cowboy hat.

Listen up.
This isn't just a hat.

It's an oath.

An oath that you'll live
by the cowboy's code of honor.

You'll wear it at all times.

You'll put it over your face
when you sleep,

over your chest
when you're delivering bad news,

and over your privates
when an outhouse

falls down comically around you.

PETER:
Aah! Help!

Mine's small enough
that I don't need the hat.

We're gonna fix that.

Oh, Rupert, I need my heat pad,

I need Kate, I need Leo,

and I need ice cream.

And I need not a word
from you about it.

- Hey, Stewie.
- Oh, hey, Bri.

Guess who woke up to a Red Dawn?

- What?
- You know.

Bobbin' with the Red Robin.

Call off The Hunt for Red
October, because we found it.

Red Rover, Red Rover,

can't go in the pool today,
over.

None of these
are actual phrases.

Says the man.

I'm having my period.

It's like The Shining elevator
down there.

My 21st Century Box

has been conquered
by Eric the Very Red.

Yeah, this is getting
dangerously close

to a Will & Grace now.

But if you're bleeding
down there, it's clearly

because you hurt yourself
on the Slippery Slide.

Oh, yeah?
If I'm not having my period,

then why am I drinking
herbal tea

from a large earthenware mug
with no handle on it?

Stewie, trust me,
boys can't get periods.

Brian, it's 2022... there's
no such thing as a boy anymore.

Or a girl. Just a vast sea

of chubby "theys" and "thems,"

so coddled by their
sanctimonious woke parents

who think activism is
virtue-signaling on Instagram.

If Martin Luther King
could come back,

and see what they were doing
in his name,

he'd never stop throwing up.

(slurping)

Maybe...

maybe you are having
your period.

If you fellas
are gonna become cowboys,

the first thing we need to do
is pair you all up

- with a horse.
- Great.

- I want this one.
- Now, hold on, Peter.

Real cowboys
don't choose their horse.

The horse chooses them.

♪ If you leave ♪

♪ Don't leave now ♪

♪ Please don't take ♪

♪ My heart away ♪

♪ Promise me ♪

♪ Just one more night ♪

♪ Then we'll go
our separate ways ♪

♪ We've always had
time on our sides ♪

♪ Now it's fading fast ♪

♪ Every second, every moment ♪

♪ We've got to,
we gotta make it last ♪

♪ I touch you once ♪

♪ I touch you twice ♪

♪ I won't let go at any price ♪

♪ I need you now
like I need you then ♪

♪ You always said
we'd still be friends ♪

♪ Someday ♪

♪ If you leave, I won't cry ♪

♪ I won't waste one single day ♪

♪ But if you leave,
don't look back ♪

♪ I'll be running
the other way ♪

♪ Seven years went
under the bridge ♪

♪ Like time standing still ♪

♪ Heaven knows
what happens now ♪

♪ You've got to,
you got to say you. ♪

(crickets chirping)

Hey, Peter, just wanted
to make sure you're okay.

Yeah, I was pretty bummed,
but then I found

these great desserts
labeled "cow pie."

Hmm.

You're off
to a real bad start here, Peter.

Just a real bad start.

♪ ♪

Wow, can't believe we're doing
a real cattle drive.

I know, look at us.

We're cowboys.

Now, hold on,
you fellas ain't cowboys yet.

Not until you blaze
your own trails.

A buddy of mine in high school
could blaze his own trail.

Used to do it on the floor
of the locker room

and we'd be like, "Aah."

While I appreciate the anecdote,

we like to keep
our entendre singular

out here on the prairie.

Yes, sir.

What I mean, fellas,

is that to find your courage,

you need to do
the last leg of this journey

on your own and drive
these cattle back to camp.

Awesome. I'll drive this one.

Peter, the cattle chooses you.

♪ But if you leave,
don't look back ♪

♪ I'll be running the. ♪

♪ ♪

Rupert, where's
my Kotex sanitary belt?

And do we still have
any Wampole's vaginal cones?

Well, this is weird. No blood.

It's only been a day,
I don't understand.

No, I'm not going to ask

about feminine hygiene issues
on 4chan.

You've got to relax
with that site, man.

Ah, here we are.

"Short-term, sporadic bleeding

"is generally
not due to a period,

but is more indicative
of spotting."

Spotting? What's spotting?

Oh, my God, Rupert.

I'm pregnant!

How did this happen?

Ah, what do you care anyway?

I'm sure you'll do
what you always do,

and bury yourself in your work.

(phone vibrating)

(door opens)

I have Stewie on one.

He says he's been trying
your cell.

Uh, Stewie,
he just stepped into a meeting.

We'll have to return.

One... two...

This court rules
that the farmer has violated

the Americans
with Disabilities Act.

The farm hereby
belongs to the sheep.

One.

Guys, I can't go to sleep

without watching
a Frasier rerun.

Can one of you please
tell me a Frasier?

All right. Once upon a time,

Frasier auditioned
for a community play...

No, not that one.
One-one where he's with Niles.

That's fair,
those are the best ones.

Once upon a time,
Frasier and Niles were invited

to a dinner party
and both brought the same wine.

(snoring)

Look at that, already asleep.

Hmm, guess everyone'e sleeping.

It's just me and you, Mr. Bear.

(growling)

B-B-B-Bear?!

(all scream)

It's okay, guys, we might be
getting attacked by a bear,

or we might just
be on Bear Scares.

What's Bear Scares?

Only Latvia's
number-one bear prank show.

- Aah!
- (roars)

ANNOUNCER: Bear Scares...
Latvia's number-one bear prank show.

Now available on tapes
sold on blankets

by African guys
in New York City.

Bear Scares... gorrgul.

ANNOUNCER 2:
Bears sound different in Latvia.

(growls, roars)

What are we gonna do?!

Oh, no!
The bear's going after Quagmire.

Aah!

I'm gonna run behind this tree

and then the bear's
gonna drag me out.

Me, and very clearly not a dummy

who he then tosses around.

(growls)

Aah! Oh, no.

I'm being tossed around.

Oh, God. Now we're all
gonna be tossed around.

(growling)

PETER:
Oh, no. Oh no, help.

JOE:
Make him stop.

Aah! This is the real me!

My dummy's riding a horse!

Giddy-up. Yaw.

Lil Nas X.

Well, glad to see you're
no longer crying on the couch.

Yes, it turns out I was wrong
about my period.

Good. I'm glad
you came to your senses.

- Because I'm pregnant.
- I'll pay to get rid of it.

I-I'm sorry that's...
that's just a reflex.

Yes, I freaked out at first,
too, but I...

we decided it's for the best.

So, if it's a boy,
I'm naming him Timothée

after Timothée Chalamet,
and if it's a girl,

I'm naming her Chalamet
after Timothée Chalamet.

What do you mean
you don't like him?

Name another A-list actor
who couldn't

sit in the front of a car
because he's too light.

Stewie, this is ridiculous.

You don't like him either?

For God's sake,
he looks like a marionette

who broke loose
from his strings.

He's a daintier Eddie Redmayne.

If there's another actor who you
can put in your checked baggage

without going over the limit,
I'd like to hear it.

Damn it, Stewie,
you're not pregnant.

Oh, boy. The dog knows

he'll lose attention
when the baby comes.

You are the baby! A male baby.

Look, I know all kids

like to play make-believe
and pretend to be adults.

Sometimes they even
convince themselves of it.

Now, you've brought
a new twist to this...

I don't want to diminish
how weird this is...

But it's time for it to stop.

Because for God's sake,
you are not pregnant.

(crying)

Okay, look, I-I didn't mean
to break it to you so harshly.

No, no. I just realized

now that I'm pregnant,
I can't eat sushi.

(sighs)
You know what? Fine.

- You're pregnant.
- Thank you.

It's just too bad you're gonna
gain all that weight.

- What?
- When you're pregnant, you gain, like, 30 pounds.

30 pounds?

But I only weigh 15.

Well, no matter.
At least I'll sleep comfortably

and continue to have the
same-sized, not-swollen feet.

But I just bought
Thom Browne boots.

I got them for myself
as a push present.

Sorry, Stewie.

Enjoy the miracle of life.

Oh, dear. Perhaps being pregnant

will be more difficult
than I thought.

And we still have to plan
a gender reveal party.

Okay, would you rather
do a cake reveal

or burn Napa to the ground?

(birds chirping)

Oh, man, that bear
kicked our asses.

Well, thank God we're all okay.

Good job, Joe.
You stayed positive.

It's why you're
the rock of the group.

Wait a minute,
where's my cowboy hat?

I think the bear took it.

Who gives a (bleep)?

What the hell, Joe?

I always saw you
as the rock of the group.

Damn it!

Don't you see, fellas?

We made a oath to the mayor
to get our manhood back.

And our hats are that manhood.

So, we've got to find that bear
and get it back.

I don't know,
that sounds dangerous.

Come on, the whole reason
we came here

is 'cause we've turned
into cowards.

The mayor wanted us
to finish this cattle drive

like real cowboys, and that's
exactly what we're gonna do.

We'll do it
with courage and teamwork.

Who's with me?

Yeah, that's the spirit.

Well, Bri, I'm heading out
for sushi in my new boots.

So I'm guessing
you got rid of the baby?

Yes, it was a tough decision.

But today I took
a morning-after cocktail

of Flintstones vitamins,
Ovaltine, castor oil,

and a splash of Dr. Pepper,
since its name

is both a medical professional
and a vegetable.

Well, I think you made
the right decision.

Me too.
I'm probably the only person

under 18 ever to say this,
but being pregnant is fun

until it forces you
to make sacrifices in any way.

Uh, yeah, I guess
that's an okay takeaway.

I just hope little Timothée
or Chalamet understands.

I think he or she
would have grown up

to be a strong woman

or a very weak man.

So, uh, you know that you
were never pregnant, right?

Yes, I went to the hospital
for a sonogram

and got yelled at
by an angry nurse.

In case you were wondering
whether she likes nonsense,

she, um... she does not.

♪ ♪

I can't believe we haven't
found the bear yet.

I was sure he'd be lured
in by my tax portfolio seminar.

(growling)

(all scream)

Aah!

Uh-oh.
I'm gonna get Revenant-ed.

Remember that movie
we all said was amazing

and then immediately forgot?

(roars)

Don't worry, Peter, we got this.

(roaring)

(grunts)

- Yeah!
- All right!

And I lassoed his neck
so he can masturbate.

Now give me back my hat,
you son of a bitch.

WEST:
Good job, fellas.

You really showed me something.

(all gasp)

Old Man West?

The owner of the ranch?

Peter, this isn't Scooby-Doo.

You ever notice
how most Scooby-Doo villains

are small businessmen?

Who doesn't like
small businessmen?

Odd choice by the creators.

Sorry to put you boys
through the paces,

but I felt like you needed
a little nudge

to find your courage.

Here, Peter, you earned this.

Thanks, Mr. Mayor.

I'm gonna wear this hat forever.

Actually, Peter,

the hat chooses you.

♪ If you leave, I won't cry ♪

♪ I won't waste
one single day. ♪

Oh, it's good to have
you home, Peter.

Thanks.

The ranch was nice,

but I think the big lesson here

is that no experience is worth

- sleeping on the ground.
- Oh, God, no.

And my groin is a raging fire
from one day on a horse.

Kids, don't ever do things
you don't normally do.

You'll just be punished for it.

(cackles)
My blue-collar dad

is hostile to new experiences.

- (car horn honking)
- Well, that's Bonnie and Donna.

- I have to go.
- What?

Oh, the mayor
also runs a ranch for women

trying to get in touch
with their femininity.

Ladies, these grocery carts
are an oath.

Pretty sure the male version
of this is better.

I might say the same thing
about Ghostbusters.