Family Guy (1998–…): Season 20, Episode 18 - Girlfriend, Eh? - full transcript

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

I'm home from camp.

- Welcome home.
- Meg's been wearing
your clothes.



Ah, my big man.

How was Camp Angry Indian?

Oh, they had to rename it
Camp Redface.

Then soon after,
Camp Washington Football Team.

But camp was awesome.

I got a girlfriend.

She's smoking hot,

and she has some off the charts
scary political views,

but largely because
of the smoking hot thing,

we've decided to stay together.

My boy has a girlfriend?

Oh, Chris, that's amazing.

Good job, Chris. You've really
impressed your old dad.

Like Richard Gere's gerbil
impressed his dad.



Hello?

Dad, you're never gonna believe

where I am.

Freaking Doug.

"Gooey Stewie, Gooey Stewie.

Eats all day and now he's ooey".

Yeah, right. I'll show him.

Whoa, since when do you have
a treadmill?

I took it from a Curves.

They mostly just lie on mats.

Brian, help!

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Bizarro Family Guy?
- Bizarro Family Guy.

It's just the fire.

Peter, how is a stud finder
gonna help with this?

Beep, beep, beep.
Looks like I found the stud.

Oh, I know we have
our differences,

but stuff like that,
it-it-- man, it's just--

I just-- it's-it's fun.

Enough, Peter.
I'm calling a handyman.

Fine. What's in here, anyway?

- Bizarro Peter?
- Bizarro Peter.

It's just that I'm reading.

Peter, how many times
do I have to tell you

to stop leaving
your wet swimsuit

at the bottom of the stairs?

I never know when
I'll be back in the sprinklers.

I got to be able to grab and go
when they start spraying.

Ugh, you're impossible.

See that, Chris?

In the Hungry Hungry Hippos
game of marriage,

I just ate one of her marbles.

I don't think you should
be proud of that, Dad.

- Excuse me?
- Let me give you
a nickel's worth

of free advice from one
happily taken man to another.

We've got two of these

and only one of these,

so we should listen
twice as much as we talk.

Remember, Dad, never
question your wife's choices.

After all, you were one of them.

I love cooking with wine.

Sometimes, I even put it
in the food.

Are you just quoting aprons
you saw in a kitchen magazine?

The last few, yes.
Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have a Chaturbate date
with my love.

Isn't it hard to find
each other on there?

Yeah, but that's part
of the dance.

Hey, Jerome, could I get
a Twisted Tea over here?

Uh-oh. Never a good sign when
a guy strays from linear tea.

- Everything okay, Peter?
- Eh, it's just Chris.

Ever since he got a girlfriend,
he's been insufferable.

Chris got a lady? That's great.

Do we know anything
about this girl?

All I know is he met her
at camp, and she's from Canada.

Trouble.

Have you seen Chris FaceTime her

or heard her on the phone
or anything?

- No, why?
- Peter,

I don't know how to say this,

but Canada
is kind of a red flag.

Yeah, and white,
with a big leaf in the middle.

You're awesome at flags.
So what?

I hear Canada has a pretty
handsome prime minister.

It's Tru-deau.

Think about it, Peter,
a Canadian camp girlfriend

nobody has ever seen?

Seems a bit suspicious to me.

What, you think he made her up?

Chris wouldn't lie about this.

You'd be surprised
at what people lie about.

Cleveland claims he likes Miller
Lite because it tastes great.

- It does.
- It's less filling.

- Tastes great.
- Less filling!

The Great American
Beer Conflict.

Brother fought brother,

mother fought daughter,

father fought son.

A nation divided

over which was
the least trashy quality

of a crappy, domestic
river beer.

- Door!
- I know!

Sheesh-kabibbles.

Who is it?

Oh, probably just the handyman
here to fix the--

Bocce balls!

Hi there, young lady.
I'm Jamie the Handyman.

I heard you had a hole
that needed to be filled.

Yes.

Is that a big job?

Nothing my caulk can't handle.

So you just...

fill the hole with your caulk?

Yes, it's very thick,

and it stays hard forever.

We have liftoff on
Operation Thirsty Housewife.

Repeat, we have liftoff.

I didn't say
you could be in this.

Well, it's still a bit moist,
but should dry up soon.

LOIS, MEG AND STEWIE:
Don't count on it.

- What's that?
- Nothing.

Hey, um, I was hoping

maybe you could
come back tomorrow

and fix our... sink
or-or something?

Well, I usually charge
a minimum of two hours, so...

why don't you call me when you
have a few things for me to...

Okay, so for tomorrow,

could you fix a few windows,

a door ripped off its hinges

and a thermostat
that was smashed with a...

Fire poker.

Whoa, talk about flaming hot.

Bizarro Stewie, you rascal.

We're buds now.

Still getting used to that.

Peter, the stairs are all wet
from your swimsuit aga...

Put these in the shower.

Lois, I work hard
to keep this family

in wet bathing suits,
and at the end of the day,

all I want
is to come home, relax,

do a couple of rad jumps
through Sprinkler City,

and then enjoy a Popsicle
on the front steps

while I look at bugs.

We don't deserve this guy.

Hey, Dad? Rule number one,

your wife is always right.

Rule number two,
if your wife is wrong,

please refer to rule number one.

I got to text
that to my girl later.

Why not right now?

Oh, she's probably
eating dinner,

and we believe
family time is special.

Uh-huh. So, Chris,

what's this "girl's" name,
anyway?

Jennifaire.

Well, I'd love to see

Jennifaire's Facebook page.

Oh, we don't really believe
in social media,

but I can show you a picture.

What is this?

It's an ad for Tim Hortons
in Canada.

She's a model for them.

She gets her weight in coffee
free every month.

- That's too much coffee.
- I also love coffee.

It's important in relationships
to have shared interests.

You could learn from that, Dad.

Look, I may have
relationship problems,

but at least I have
a real relationship.

What are you saying?

You don't have a girlfriend.
You made her up.

No, I didn't. She's real.

She's real, huh?
Well, then, let's go see her.

You and I are going to Canada
first thing in the morning.

Peter, don't forget, you get
the flu shot tomorrow morning.

We're going to Canada right now.

And then, after,

you're supposed to have
your prostate exam.

Tomorrow afternoon,
we go to Canada.

And then on Friday, we refill
your Percocet prescription.

Sometime next week,
we're going to Canada.

Peter, this is ridiculous.

You don't have to drive
all the way to Canada

just to prove a point.

Don't worry, Lois, he's gonna
crack way before that.

Well, at least bring
this thick sweater.

Canada is its only chance
to get out.

Larry.

See you on the other side, boys,
and when I get there,

I'll send you a cable.

This fall,
Pixar presents: Sweaters.

Pixar: We're not a guaranteed
home run anymore.

Wow, this short skirt
is making my legs

look long and sexy.

Long legs, huh?

Everything okay?

Give us one sec, okay, Jamie?

What the hell are you doing?

Showing Jamie I have the sexiest

and longest legs in this house.

Oh, this is Mama's show, Meg.

What are you talking about?
You've got Dad. Jamie's mine.

Look, your dad's away, and it's
time to load up my spank bank.

All I need is one hug
with a lower-back brush

and a sniff of the neck,
and I'm good for six years.

It's not happening, old lady.

Meg, I'm warning you,
if you don't back off,

I will end you.

You wouldn't dare.

Only 100,000 meters to Canada.

You stuck to your guns.

No shame in admitting
there's no girlfriend now.

I'm not admitting something
that's not true.

Well, hey, because you
definitely have a girlfriend,

maybe you can tell me
how you take a bra off.

You just start blindly tugging

until they sigh
and do it themselves.

Been watching your old man, huh?

Well, it sounds like you're
quite the relationship expert.

I'm sure you can tell me
what sex is like.

I could, or maybe

you could tell me
what sex is like.

Oh, I could for sure tell you
exactly what sex is like.

♪ I got a brand-new pair
of roller skates ♪

♪ You got a brand-new key ♪

♪ I think that we should
get together ♪

♪ And try them out, you see ♪

♪ I been looking around
a while ♪

♪ You got something for me ♪

♪ Oh, I got a brand-new pair
of roller skates ♪

♪ You got a brand-new key. ♪

Jamie will be here any minute
to start on some repairs.

I don't want
any more drama, Meg.

You won't get any from me.

Hey, there's the birthday girl.

What?
What are you talking about?

Hi. I'm with
Kassabian Sheep Shearing.

I'm here to shave Meg's back.

So, my doctor was like,
"Oh, my gosh, you're so young

you should probably
be going to a pediatrician."

A baby doctor?

Yeah, no, j-just as a joke
because, you know,

I seem so young, I think.

Hey, Mom, I'm doing
a school report.

Who was president
when you were born?

Uh, Dwight D. Ei--
Oh, you bitch.

Clinton. Dwight D. Clinton.

I did not have sexual relations
with that woman

because I am extremely old

and have a windsock penis.

Look, I know how attached
you are to your girl,

but I for one am very curious
to see a Canadian strip club.

Fellas, put your mittens
together for Brandi.

♪ ♪

God, just imagine
when she takes off

her middle pair of socks.

Dad, what are we
even doing here?

I'm in a committed relationship.

Geez, relax. I figured
maybe you'd like seeing

a real girl or two.

Real girl?

I can't believe
you still won't accept

that I have a girlfriend.

It's just, it's just,
it's not adding up.

Oh, please.
Mom's way out of your league,

so why can't you get it through
your thick and huge head

that I found someone great?

Head's not that huge, and Mom
is not way out of my league.

We both have strengths
and weaknesses as people.

Shut up. You're the luckiest
guy on earth.

Mom's hot and does everything.

You're not hot and do nothing.

You know why I don't believe
you have a girlfriend?

- Why?
- Because you're a fat loser.

I hate you.

Ah, Chris, I didn't mean...

Oh, no, I probably just ruined
his self-esteem forever.

Please welcome our next dancer,

Chris Griffin.

This is because of you, Daddy.

Come on, Chris, get in the car.

No. You called me a fat loser.

Yeah, like P-H, phat,
and P-H, loser.

Okay, I didn't want
to resort to this,

but I have a Mountain Dew
with limited-edition

X Games packaging in here.

You're playing dirty pool.

As a teen, I'm required
to be excited by that.

Wow, flatland skateboarder
Rodney Mullen.

Ah.

As soon as I finish this bottle
and then bring it home

to put on a display shelf
in my room,

I'm going back
to walk on the road.

Hey, Jamie.

I just baked some cookies
when you're ready for a break.

Man, you guys are spoiling me.

Let me work
on these gutters first.

♪ ♪

I'm okay.

Oh, thank God.

Oh, my God, Jamie.

Ja...

It's out. It's out.
It's very out.

And as they say,

when God takes a handyman,

he must need a cloud fixed.

We miss you, Jamie.
Our Carhartts are broken.

Now, please join us
for an Arby's catered reception.

We ask that you leave your cups
and cigarette butts

on the ground
or in attic crawl spaces

to be found years later.

I-I can't...
You look so much like him.

Jamie was my twin brother.

Oh, you must be so sad.

Are you also a handyman?

No, I'm an inner thigh masseuse,

specializing in moms
in their 40s.

You must need a hug.

In Florida, which is where
I'm headed back to now.

Nice meeting you.

Sorry, bro. Three's
a tough number for travel.

Maybe we should try the radio.

You're listening to
Canadian Sports Talk Radio.

How aboot our teams, eh?

They're all oot there
trying super hard,

and that's what matters most.

Yeah, outstanding effort
all around.

What a neat group of guys.

Great point, bud.

The players are nice, and coach
does the best he can...

Bunch of bums.

- You okay?
- What do you care?

I'm sorry for calling you
a fat loser.

It really hurt my feelings.

Why would you do that?

Well, this is hard
for me to admit, but...

I used to be a fat loser.

What?

In high school,

I said I had a hot
Canadian girlfriend

and that she was
the Vanna White of Canada.

Nobody believed me,
so I made up a game show

at an all-school assembly
to prove it.

Okay, so earlier, you said
the winner of round one

is immune from
the sudden death round?

- They are.
- But our handout says
the sudden death round

is part of the champions circle,

which determines the winner.

So, the round one winner
can't win the game?

Eventually, it all worked out.
I met your mom,

I Brett Kavanaugh-ed her
up some stairs

and accidentally had Meg.

But high school
was a rough couple of years.

Wow, Dad, I-I had no idea.

I never told anyone that story.

I just wanted to save you
from some of the pain

and humiliation I went through.

You and I are a lot alike.

You think so?

I know so.

I sure do love you, son.

I love you, too, Dad.

♪ ♪

- This the spot?
- Looks like it.

I'm proud of you
for standing up for yourself

about your girlfriend.

I'm glad we took
this trip together.

Me, too, Dad.

Hey, Dad, I just wanted
to say thanks.

There's no girlfriend.

I made the whole thing up.

I guess we're both a couple
of fat losers, huh, Dad?

It's okay, buddy.

And what do you say
we head home?

And on the way,
we can even watch

that new Pixar movie Sweaters.

- Another home run?
- You bet it might be.

Well, that was
quite an adventure,

but I'm happy to be home.

- I'm happy you're back, too.
- Where's Dad?

Oh, he had his
25th high school reunion.

And then whoever has
the most points

is named the
"Moose with the Most."

Any questions?

Yeah, if the show
was so popular in Canada,

how come they never showed
reruns in the States?

Good question.
It was created by the CBC,

which is a pipeline to the BBC,
which ran it quite regularly,

but that preexisted BBC America,

so there was no
U.S. system in place. Next.

Yeah, say you win a trip
in the Moose Pit Challenge,

but you're unable to go
due to some previous conflict?

You have one calendar year
to take the trip.

And if you win the Cash Bash,
are you taxed on your winnings?

You have to declare the gross
amount on your taxes that year.

- Oh, sure.
- Yeah, makes sense.

Guys, I've had 25 years
to perfect this.

- You're not gonna stump me.
- Yeah, you said it was
the best-rated show

in Nunavut in the '90s,
but Nunavut wasn't separated

from the Northwest Territories
until 1999.