Family Guy (1998–…): Season 20, Episode 3 - Must Love Dogs - full transcript
Quagmire pretends Brian is his dog when he meets an avid dog lover; Chris helps Stewie retrieve his stolen Halloween candy.
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
(laughter)
(in Marge voice):
Happy Halloween, kids!
Happy Halloween!
Look, it's Matt Foley
from Saturday Night Live.
I don't know who that is. I just
came from a meeting at work.
Oh, good. Peter, you're home.
You can help me pass out candy.
Sorry, Lois, I have
to go do a dangerous speedball
and become the least surprising
death in Hollywood history.
(groans)
(laughter)
Happy Halloween, Meg.
Wow, Mayor West.
That's some costume.
Well, thank you kindly.
(imitating Borat):
It-a me, Borat.
You know, from that picture
Borat.
You ever seen it?
Yeah, that movie came out,
like, 15 years ago.
Well, I'd never heard of it,
but it was just about the
funniest thing I'd ever seen.
Anyway, have a good evening.
(imitating Borat):
My wife.
(laughter)
(crickets chirping)
"This is my costume"?
Come on, put in some effort.
Guys, just 'cause you showed up,
doesn't mean you get an apple.
-Apple.
-We're here for candy!
Kill yourself!
There's a lot of sugar
in an apple!
If you saw the numbers,
you'd be shocked!
Trick or treat!
Wow, that's the first Frozen
I've seen in 35 seconds.
Oh, my God,
I love your pilot costume.
Thank you. I'm actually
John Travolta walking
into my backyard airport
in Florida
to fly a passenger jet
all by myself.
That's right,
I'm just a regular guy.
Your daughter is adorable.
Oh, she's not my daughter.
She's my niece.
My sister and her husband
ran into someone
having an adult Halloween party
and didn't have an excuse ready.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Yeah, it was really tough
for them,
but I said earlier,
"I'm not gonna cry,"
so I'm not gonna cry.
And hi. My name's Carrie.
Hi, Carrie. My name is Glenn.
It's really nice talking
to you, Glenn.
-You, too, Carrie.
-Hey! Candy!
STEWIE:
Hey, Brian, check it out!
(grunting)
This might be my biggest
candy score ever.
Probably thanks
to my killer costume.
What are you dressed as?
I'm the "Oh, my God"
reaction GIF.
And people get that?
Yeah.
Everyone's dressed as GIFs.
Ain't that right, Pop?
Wow. This place is great, Glenn.
Yeah, they can really
microwave eggs here.
You know, I'm so glad you
trick-or-treated at my house.
I finally found someone
I can just say names
from Succession with.
I mean, oh, my God, Kendall?
-Kendall! And Shiv?
-Love Shiv.
-And what about Roman?
-Yes!
And Logan.
-Oh, Logan.
-(dog whines)
Oh, look at that dog.
Yeah, who brings a dog
to a coffee shop?
-I love dogs.
-Without letting me pet it.
Come here, you... dog.
Oh, isn't he so sweet?
Oh, good boy.
Yay, my hand smells
like you now.
Oh, I'm so happy
you're a dog person.
I don't think
I could be with someone
who doesn't love dogs
as much as I do.
Yeah, it's great
we like the same things
as soon as you say
what you like.
So, what kind
of dog do you have?
Well, uh, uh,
what kind of dog?
Um... you know,
I-I've never noticed.
I... I'm... I'm more attracted
to his spirit.
Oh, they're so special.
And you know
what's right around the corner?
The strip club where they spit
in your face?
No, the dog park!
For our next date,
we should bring our dogs there.
Next date? Absolutely.
-Oh, and cousin Greg!
-Cousin Greg!
Cousin Greg.
Phew,
that tummy time was killer.
Totally blasted my core.
But I think that earns me
a little treat.
What the deuce?
This bag was full last night,
and now half of it's gone.
Oh, my God, I've been robbed!
Rupert, check the jewelry box,
see if anything's missing.
"An engagement ring"?
Oh, ha-ha, very funny,
but not the time
to have this conversation--
we've been burgled!
Well, looks like they only stole
some of my Halloween candy.
But they're not going
to get away with this.
Like the fat man
when he plays Clue.
Okay, the murderer
was "don't care,"
with a "this game sucks"
in the "I regret
having children."
ANNOUNCER:
Clue-- you got someone
pregnant nine years ago,
so now you have to play this.
Thanks for coming
with me, Peter.
I need a dog for my date,
but I don't know
the first thing about 'em.
No problem, Quagmire.
But just know
I'm gonna spend
most of the time here
finding the courage
to hold an iguana.
Here he is.
I'm not sure I'm ready!
(barking)
Uh, excuse me,
how much is that one?
Oh, he's a purebred
Bichon Frise,
so he's $1,500.
For a dog?! Um, and-and what's
your return policy?
Is it, like, full money back
within ten days?
Sir, if you're not interested,
I have to comb feces
out of the guinea pigs' hair
with a wet paper towel.
Go ahead, you can touch him.
(gasps)
It's dry.
Sorry we couldn't get you a dog.
Come on in, we'll have
however many beers it takes
to forget how depressing
the shelter was.
I'll go get
those aforementioned beers.
Thanks, word-a-day calendar.
Oh, hey, Quagmire.
Mm.
I mean, mmm, there he is!
Brian the dog!
What's going on here?
Why are you using my full name?
All right,
let's cut to the chase.
I like chases.
Okay, look,
I'm seeing this woman,
and there's something
different about her.
I mean, it's not just that
the sex is great, which it is,
but I appreciate her
as a person,
which sounds kind of weird
coming out of my mouth.
Anyway, I told her
I have a dog, so...
would you pretend to be my dog?
(laughing)
Well, well, well.
Well, well, well.
Well, well,
well.
Brian, come on, I'm serious.
Will you help me out?
Glenn Quagmire,
there are not enough
tennis balls
in the world for me to--
-I have six.
-I'll do it.
(dogs barking, howling)
Thanks for doing this, Brian.
And remember,
just act like a normal,
well-behaved, non-talking dog.
-Non-talking?
-Yeah, just bark and stuff.
Bark? Geez, it's been a while.
Let me give it a try.
Brack.
"Brack"?
What the hell is that?
-I'm finding it.
-Damn it, Brian!
I knew you were gonna
screw this up for me.
I thought you wanted to help.
"Help"? I'm not doing this
because I want to help.
I'm only doing this
so I can have a front-row seat
when you crash and burn.
Okay, first of all,
it's incredibly insensitive
to say "crash and burn"
to a pilot.
And, second, how dare you?
How dare you, Brian the dog?
You know I'm right-- you're
gonna get tired of the sex,
and then you'll move
on to the next one.
Oh, 'cause you know
everything, right?
Well, you're wrong, Brian.
Okay, shut up, here she comes.
Hi, Glenn. This is Dexter.
Aw, and who's this little guy?
Uh, uh, this is... Harvey.
Named after Weinstein, uh...
'C-Cause you can see his balls
when he answers the door.
I may be dating myself,
but in the '90s,
the funniest thing you could do
was show people your balls.
C-Can you start
talking now, please?
Sorry, I couldn't hear you
'cause my dog was licking
my ear.
Oh, thank God.
This is my dog, Bob...
Weinstein.
He's man's best friend
because he's very good
at keeping quiet.
Do you mind if I take
five minutes in the parking lot?
This is Spot.
All right, Rupert,
when the thief comes back
for the rest of my candy,
he'll have to deal
with my latest invention.
Hey, Stewie, what are you d--
(exclaims)
Aah! Help! Somebody help me!
I won't survive on the inside!
(grunts)
Thief! I've caught you!
Chris?
Stewie, get off.
I haven't been
stealing your candy.
-Dad has.
-The fat man?
He did the same thing to me
when I was younger.
The only way to keep him
away from it is to hide it.
And that's why I'm here.
I'm gonna help you.
Really? You'd do that for me?
Of course, Stewie. We're family.
We look out for each other,
like the people on Succession.
Well, don't leave me hanging
like that-- throw out a name!
-Tom.
-Oh, Tom!
Can you believe Tom?
Carrie's gonna be here soon.
Can you give me a hand getting
-this cat stuff out of here?
-Where is your cat, anyway?
I don't know. No cat owner
knows where their cat is.
Okay, but I still don't know why
you're going through
all this trouble.
I mean, you're just gonna bail
and leave her in the dust.
-Hey, how's your son, Brian?
-Whoa!
What happened to DEFCON four,
three, and two?
-(doorbell rings)
-Okay, she's here.
Get off the couch.
-Who is it?
-It's The Purge.
-We're here to beat you up.
-(laughs)
(smooching)
Coming up, one pizza
with alternative crust.
Oh! Yummy, yummy!
Alternative crust pizza is
really good, Brian.
You can't taste the difference.
What aren't you lying
to yourself about?
Okay, you want
to know the truth, Brian?
Brian the dog? I love her.
You hear me? Love.
This is priceless.
I haven't had this much fun
since I went to that graveyard.
-Yeah, how do you like
how this sounds, huh?
-(urine trickling)
Try cleaning up this mess
while you burn in hell!
-Peter, you ready to go?
-Almost!
-What do you mean
you don't like that?
-(urine trickling)
Just try it, maybe you will!
Thanks again
for having us over, Lois.
Everything was so delicious.
Oh, my pleasure, Carrie.
Yeah, I've got to say, Glenn,
I've never seen you
this happy before.
Well, then you've never
seen me at my best before.
And it's all thanks to Carrie.
Aw, not at the dinner table.
I'm sorry, Peter,
I just can't help myself.
I'm crazy about this woman.
(phone buzzing)
Huh?
(panting)
-"Will you marry me?"
-What's this now?
Oh, my God, Glenn, yes!
Yes, of course I'll marry you!
Mmm...
Mazel tov!
"Mazel tov"?
Where did that come from?
From Marvelous Mrs. Mazel Tov.
Y-you should know that, Lois.
Mmm.
Engaged?!
Aw, come on, Quagmire,
you're killing me, man.
Babe, babe, please--
Babe, please stop crying.
Look, every couple needs to
take things at their own speed.
It doesn't mean
I love you any less.
Okay, look-- how about
we look at rings this weekend?
I-I don't know.
Zales, probably?
Well, that's what we can afford
since only one of us has a job!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Ugh, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean that.
(sighs)
"Why don't you join me
for dinner?" he said,
ruining his life.
(humming)
There he is,
the bridegroom to be.
That's right, the very happy
bridegroom to be,
singing to himself.
♪ Dat da dat dee ♪
♪ Da dee dee, da dee dee. ♪
Oh, come on, give it up.
You're out of moves.
Checkmate.
Hi, honey, we're home.
Will you help me move in
his dog food,
like we're preparing
for a flood?
Dexter eats all this?
Not just Dexter,
but Dexter and all
-his rescue brothers
and sisters.
-(dogs barking)
Oh, my God,
how many are there?
Hmm, enough to do a slow pan
with music from Airplane.
♪
Is-is that one
just a back half?
Oh, Backsy? Yeah.
She's a fighter.
Well, maybe she should
stop fightin'.
Okay, I'm gonna go
bring in all their meds,
and then I'll set the 19
different feeding alarms
on your phone. Mm.
-(laughs)
-Shut up!
I didn't say a word.
I'm just... I'm just thrilled
you're getting
all the happiness you deserve.
I am happy.
Parade magazine says
owning a dog is the secret
to having a happy life.
You read Parade magazine?
If you know a better magazine
for ordering plates
with people's faces on them,
I would like to hear about it.
(loud crash)
Hey, babe, was the Princess
Diana plate important?
(sighs)
Brian, can you hand me
that Parade magazine,
that envelope, that stamp
and that checkbook?
(singsongy):
Thank you.
Who are we waiting for, Chris?
I called in some professionals.
They're gonna take us somewhere
Dad'll never find your candy.
-And where's that?
-I can't say.
There are ears everywhere.
Good morning, Mr. Feldman.
Morning, Chris.
Couldn't help but overhear
you're off on a little trip.
(chuckles)
Never mind about that,
Mr. Feldman.
-(quietly): See?
-MR. FELDMAN: I could hear that.
(tires screech)
Get in.
(loud thump)
You know, I should really be in
a backwards-facing car seat.
They're now saying
kids through eight
should at least be
in a booster seat.
-You have any kids?
-Don't make small talk
with these guys.
No, no, it's all right.
It's nice to have someone
ask for a change.
Yes, I have four children,
all dead.
Ah.
(van squeaking)
Well, here we are.
Quick, hide your candy
in the tree.
Is this our backyard?
Yes. But we couldn't take
a chance of being followed.
(grunting)
Son of a--
I'm pinching and lifting.
(cries out)
Oh!
Hey, if you're making coffee,
I'll have a--
Whoa, kind of a mess in here.
It's fine.
Everything is fine.
I'm happy and in love.
Damn it, Brian, did you leave
the doggy gate open?
-(all barking)
-No, no, no, stop it.
Peppy, you're allergic
to Frankie's food.
Malcolm, stop humping
your brother.
Backsy, outside!
CARRIE:
Babe, can you give me a hand
moving my furniture
all around the room until I find
a place I like for it?
Kind of in the middle
of something, babe!
Ah, the seven-hour itch.
Shut up, Brian.
Why don't you go for a walk?
-(dogs barking excitedly)
-No, no, no, no, no.
No walk. No walk.
No, no.
We're not going for a walk.
I gotta stop saying "walk."
I said walk again.
And there again.
CARRIE:
Honey, I want to make
a stir-fry tonight.
-Have we unpacked the wok?
-(dogs barking louder)
No, no, w-O-K.
W-O-K. She said wok!
(sobbing):
She said wok.
She said wok...
(gasps)
My candy, it's all gone.
Even my West Hollywood candy.
My Twinx bar.
My very Milky Way.
(gasps)
My Reese's Penis.
Who's done this to me?
Who's taken candy
from a baby?
Well, we did it. Cheers.
We sure did, Chris.
-Cool iguana.
-He's dry.
I named him Arid.
Thank you, word-a-day calendar,
travel edition.
Just met some of Carrie's
friends.
They are very excited
for her.
-Well, they should be.
-Well, they should be.
And they are.
Anyway, expectations are high.
(glass clinking)
Thank you, everyone, for coming
to our engagement party.
And an extra thanks
to my airline buddies
for organizing it.
Uh, folks, our party time
tonight is
two hours and 48 minutes.
We know you have
lots of choices
for terrible weekend activities,
and we hope to see you soon
on an inconvenient weekend
for their destination wedding,
which I hear is on a Thursday
in Lisbon, Portugal.
-WOMAN: That's so far.
-MAN: Come on!
Yep. Yep.
It's been wonderful meeting
all of Carrie's family
and friends.
(chuckles)
I only wish you were all
wearing nametags.
(laughter)
Isn't he adorable?
My expectations are high.
You know, I first met Carrie
and her niece
a couple of weeks ago
on Halloween.
Thank God they decided
to take that walk.
And now we're headed
down the aisle;
a very different
kind of walk.
(barking excitedly)
And, Carrie,
if I may borrow a line
from our favorite song,
I would walk 500 miles...
Stampede!
(dogs barking)
-Isn't he adorable?
-He loves those dogs.
I'm hearing a lot of good things
about that guy.
That's it.
Glenn, are you okay?
No, I'm not okay.
I thought I could do this,
but I can't.
I've been lying to you,
and I've been lying to myself.
There's something
you need to know.
I hate dogs.
(all gasp)
Uh, this party has begun
its initial descent.
That's not even my dog.
That's Brian, my neighbor's dog.
He can talk.
Brian, say something.
-Brack.
-Bite me.
Glenn... (scoffs)
I can't believe this.
So you don't like dogs,
that's fine.
But you didn't have to lie and
put me through all of this.
Good-bye, Glenn.
Uh, folks, please use caution
as you exit the party
as some of your feelings
may have shifted.
Well, well, well.
Save it, Brian. I'll concede
that you were right.
But you know what?
So was I.
Dogs are the worst.
And I'm coming for you,
Brian the dog.
Maybe not today,
maybe not tomorrow,
But one day.
Maybe tomorrow.
And when that day comes,
you're gonna say,
ooh, Glenn got me good.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I need to take a walk.
Brack?
Oh, no. Stay...
You're coming back, though,
right?
Hey, Brian, I was just over
talking to Quagmire,
and he thought you might
want to take a look
at my new screenplay.
Oh, I-I don't really, uh...
It's called Ocean's 1.
Between you and me,
I can't believe
nobody's done it before,
to say nothing of
Ocean's 2 through 7.
Yeah, I-I could, uh,
take a look, sure.
It's a little long right now.
It's about 430 pages.
I have my "all is lost" moment
on page 389, thereabouts.
Quagmire!
Now, if'n you don't know,
most Hollywood screenplays
wrap up at around 110 pages.
And if'n it's a comedy, why,
you want it in the 90s.
Anyway, they said I could have
these last few seconds
to mention something
near and dear to me.
So, men, don't be afraid
to have the doctor
put a camera up your old
saddle masher.
They knock you out now,
and it's a good way
to make sure there's no
bad beans in your mess wagon.
We hope you've enjoyed
the Family Guy.
♪
that all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
(laughter)
(in Marge voice):
Happy Halloween, kids!
Happy Halloween!
Look, it's Matt Foley
from Saturday Night Live.
I don't know who that is. I just
came from a meeting at work.
Oh, good. Peter, you're home.
You can help me pass out candy.
Sorry, Lois, I have
to go do a dangerous speedball
and become the least surprising
death in Hollywood history.
(groans)
(laughter)
Happy Halloween, Meg.
Wow, Mayor West.
That's some costume.
Well, thank you kindly.
(imitating Borat):
It-a me, Borat.
You know, from that picture
Borat.
You ever seen it?
Yeah, that movie came out,
like, 15 years ago.
Well, I'd never heard of it,
but it was just about the
funniest thing I'd ever seen.
Anyway, have a good evening.
(imitating Borat):
My wife.
(laughter)
(crickets chirping)
"This is my costume"?
Come on, put in some effort.
Guys, just 'cause you showed up,
doesn't mean you get an apple.
-Apple.
-We're here for candy!
Kill yourself!
There's a lot of sugar
in an apple!
If you saw the numbers,
you'd be shocked!
Trick or treat!
Wow, that's the first Frozen
I've seen in 35 seconds.
Oh, my God,
I love your pilot costume.
Thank you. I'm actually
John Travolta walking
into my backyard airport
in Florida
to fly a passenger jet
all by myself.
That's right,
I'm just a regular guy.
Your daughter is adorable.
Oh, she's not my daughter.
She's my niece.
My sister and her husband
ran into someone
having an adult Halloween party
and didn't have an excuse ready.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Yeah, it was really tough
for them,
but I said earlier,
"I'm not gonna cry,"
so I'm not gonna cry.
And hi. My name's Carrie.
Hi, Carrie. My name is Glenn.
It's really nice talking
to you, Glenn.
-You, too, Carrie.
-Hey! Candy!
STEWIE:
Hey, Brian, check it out!
(grunting)
This might be my biggest
candy score ever.
Probably thanks
to my killer costume.
What are you dressed as?
I'm the "Oh, my God"
reaction GIF.
And people get that?
Yeah.
Everyone's dressed as GIFs.
Ain't that right, Pop?
Wow. This place is great, Glenn.
Yeah, they can really
microwave eggs here.
You know, I'm so glad you
trick-or-treated at my house.
I finally found someone
I can just say names
from Succession with.
I mean, oh, my God, Kendall?
-Kendall! And Shiv?
-Love Shiv.
-And what about Roman?
-Yes!
And Logan.
-Oh, Logan.
-(dog whines)
Oh, look at that dog.
Yeah, who brings a dog
to a coffee shop?
-I love dogs.
-Without letting me pet it.
Come here, you... dog.
Oh, isn't he so sweet?
Oh, good boy.
Yay, my hand smells
like you now.
Oh, I'm so happy
you're a dog person.
I don't think
I could be with someone
who doesn't love dogs
as much as I do.
Yeah, it's great
we like the same things
as soon as you say
what you like.
So, what kind
of dog do you have?
Well, uh, uh,
what kind of dog?
Um... you know,
I-I've never noticed.
I... I'm... I'm more attracted
to his spirit.
Oh, they're so special.
And you know
what's right around the corner?
The strip club where they spit
in your face?
No, the dog park!
For our next date,
we should bring our dogs there.
Next date? Absolutely.
-Oh, and cousin Greg!
-Cousin Greg!
Cousin Greg.
Phew,
that tummy time was killer.
Totally blasted my core.
But I think that earns me
a little treat.
What the deuce?
This bag was full last night,
and now half of it's gone.
Oh, my God, I've been robbed!
Rupert, check the jewelry box,
see if anything's missing.
"An engagement ring"?
Oh, ha-ha, very funny,
but not the time
to have this conversation--
we've been burgled!
Well, looks like they only stole
some of my Halloween candy.
But they're not going
to get away with this.
Like the fat man
when he plays Clue.
Okay, the murderer
was "don't care,"
with a "this game sucks"
in the "I regret
having children."
ANNOUNCER:
Clue-- you got someone
pregnant nine years ago,
so now you have to play this.
Thanks for coming
with me, Peter.
I need a dog for my date,
but I don't know
the first thing about 'em.
No problem, Quagmire.
But just know
I'm gonna spend
most of the time here
finding the courage
to hold an iguana.
Here he is.
I'm not sure I'm ready!
(barking)
Uh, excuse me,
how much is that one?
Oh, he's a purebred
Bichon Frise,
so he's $1,500.
For a dog?! Um, and-and what's
your return policy?
Is it, like, full money back
within ten days?
Sir, if you're not interested,
I have to comb feces
out of the guinea pigs' hair
with a wet paper towel.
Go ahead, you can touch him.
(gasps)
It's dry.
Sorry we couldn't get you a dog.
Come on in, we'll have
however many beers it takes
to forget how depressing
the shelter was.
I'll go get
those aforementioned beers.
Thanks, word-a-day calendar.
Oh, hey, Quagmire.
Mm.
I mean, mmm, there he is!
Brian the dog!
What's going on here?
Why are you using my full name?
All right,
let's cut to the chase.
I like chases.
Okay, look,
I'm seeing this woman,
and there's something
different about her.
I mean, it's not just that
the sex is great, which it is,
but I appreciate her
as a person,
which sounds kind of weird
coming out of my mouth.
Anyway, I told her
I have a dog, so...
would you pretend to be my dog?
(laughing)
Well, well, well.
Well, well, well.
Well, well,
well.
Brian, come on, I'm serious.
Will you help me out?
Glenn Quagmire,
there are not enough
tennis balls
in the world for me to--
-I have six.
-I'll do it.
(dogs barking, howling)
Thanks for doing this, Brian.
And remember,
just act like a normal,
well-behaved, non-talking dog.
-Non-talking?
-Yeah, just bark and stuff.
Bark? Geez, it's been a while.
Let me give it a try.
Brack.
"Brack"?
What the hell is that?
-I'm finding it.
-Damn it, Brian!
I knew you were gonna
screw this up for me.
I thought you wanted to help.
"Help"? I'm not doing this
because I want to help.
I'm only doing this
so I can have a front-row seat
when you crash and burn.
Okay, first of all,
it's incredibly insensitive
to say "crash and burn"
to a pilot.
And, second, how dare you?
How dare you, Brian the dog?
You know I'm right-- you're
gonna get tired of the sex,
and then you'll move
on to the next one.
Oh, 'cause you know
everything, right?
Well, you're wrong, Brian.
Okay, shut up, here she comes.
Hi, Glenn. This is Dexter.
Aw, and who's this little guy?
Uh, uh, this is... Harvey.
Named after Weinstein, uh...
'C-Cause you can see his balls
when he answers the door.
I may be dating myself,
but in the '90s,
the funniest thing you could do
was show people your balls.
C-Can you start
talking now, please?
Sorry, I couldn't hear you
'cause my dog was licking
my ear.
Oh, thank God.
This is my dog, Bob...
Weinstein.
He's man's best friend
because he's very good
at keeping quiet.
Do you mind if I take
five minutes in the parking lot?
This is Spot.
All right, Rupert,
when the thief comes back
for the rest of my candy,
he'll have to deal
with my latest invention.
Hey, Stewie, what are you d--
(exclaims)
Aah! Help! Somebody help me!
I won't survive on the inside!
(grunts)
Thief! I've caught you!
Chris?
Stewie, get off.
I haven't been
stealing your candy.
-Dad has.
-The fat man?
He did the same thing to me
when I was younger.
The only way to keep him
away from it is to hide it.
And that's why I'm here.
I'm gonna help you.
Really? You'd do that for me?
Of course, Stewie. We're family.
We look out for each other,
like the people on Succession.
Well, don't leave me hanging
like that-- throw out a name!
-Tom.
-Oh, Tom!
Can you believe Tom?
Carrie's gonna be here soon.
Can you give me a hand getting
-this cat stuff out of here?
-Where is your cat, anyway?
I don't know. No cat owner
knows where their cat is.
Okay, but I still don't know why
you're going through
all this trouble.
I mean, you're just gonna bail
and leave her in the dust.
-Hey, how's your son, Brian?
-Whoa!
What happened to DEFCON four,
three, and two?
-(doorbell rings)
-Okay, she's here.
Get off the couch.
-Who is it?
-It's The Purge.
-We're here to beat you up.
-(laughs)
(smooching)
Coming up, one pizza
with alternative crust.
Oh! Yummy, yummy!
Alternative crust pizza is
really good, Brian.
You can't taste the difference.
What aren't you lying
to yourself about?
Okay, you want
to know the truth, Brian?
Brian the dog? I love her.
You hear me? Love.
This is priceless.
I haven't had this much fun
since I went to that graveyard.
-Yeah, how do you like
how this sounds, huh?
-(urine trickling)
Try cleaning up this mess
while you burn in hell!
-Peter, you ready to go?
-Almost!
-What do you mean
you don't like that?
-(urine trickling)
Just try it, maybe you will!
Thanks again
for having us over, Lois.
Everything was so delicious.
Oh, my pleasure, Carrie.
Yeah, I've got to say, Glenn,
I've never seen you
this happy before.
Well, then you've never
seen me at my best before.
And it's all thanks to Carrie.
Aw, not at the dinner table.
I'm sorry, Peter,
I just can't help myself.
I'm crazy about this woman.
(phone buzzing)
Huh?
(panting)
-"Will you marry me?"
-What's this now?
Oh, my God, Glenn, yes!
Yes, of course I'll marry you!
Mmm...
Mazel tov!
"Mazel tov"?
Where did that come from?
From Marvelous Mrs. Mazel Tov.
Y-you should know that, Lois.
Mmm.
Engaged?!
Aw, come on, Quagmire,
you're killing me, man.
Babe, babe, please--
Babe, please stop crying.
Look, every couple needs to
take things at their own speed.
It doesn't mean
I love you any less.
Okay, look-- how about
we look at rings this weekend?
I-I don't know.
Zales, probably?
Well, that's what we can afford
since only one of us has a job!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Ugh, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean that.
(sighs)
"Why don't you join me
for dinner?" he said,
ruining his life.
(humming)
There he is,
the bridegroom to be.
That's right, the very happy
bridegroom to be,
singing to himself.
♪ Dat da dat dee ♪
♪ Da dee dee, da dee dee. ♪
Oh, come on, give it up.
You're out of moves.
Checkmate.
Hi, honey, we're home.
Will you help me move in
his dog food,
like we're preparing
for a flood?
Dexter eats all this?
Not just Dexter,
but Dexter and all
-his rescue brothers
and sisters.
-(dogs barking)
Oh, my God,
how many are there?
Hmm, enough to do a slow pan
with music from Airplane.
♪
Is-is that one
just a back half?
Oh, Backsy? Yeah.
She's a fighter.
Well, maybe she should
stop fightin'.
Okay, I'm gonna go
bring in all their meds,
and then I'll set the 19
different feeding alarms
on your phone. Mm.
-(laughs)
-Shut up!
I didn't say a word.
I'm just... I'm just thrilled
you're getting
all the happiness you deserve.
I am happy.
Parade magazine says
owning a dog is the secret
to having a happy life.
You read Parade magazine?
If you know a better magazine
for ordering plates
with people's faces on them,
I would like to hear about it.
(loud crash)
Hey, babe, was the Princess
Diana plate important?
(sighs)
Brian, can you hand me
that Parade magazine,
that envelope, that stamp
and that checkbook?
(singsongy):
Thank you.
Who are we waiting for, Chris?
I called in some professionals.
They're gonna take us somewhere
Dad'll never find your candy.
-And where's that?
-I can't say.
There are ears everywhere.
Good morning, Mr. Feldman.
Morning, Chris.
Couldn't help but overhear
you're off on a little trip.
(chuckles)
Never mind about that,
Mr. Feldman.
-(quietly): See?
-MR. FELDMAN: I could hear that.
(tires screech)
Get in.
(loud thump)
You know, I should really be in
a backwards-facing car seat.
They're now saying
kids through eight
should at least be
in a booster seat.
-You have any kids?
-Don't make small talk
with these guys.
No, no, it's all right.
It's nice to have someone
ask for a change.
Yes, I have four children,
all dead.
Ah.
(van squeaking)
Well, here we are.
Quick, hide your candy
in the tree.
Is this our backyard?
Yes. But we couldn't take
a chance of being followed.
(grunting)
Son of a--
I'm pinching and lifting.
(cries out)
Oh!
Hey, if you're making coffee,
I'll have a--
Whoa, kind of a mess in here.
It's fine.
Everything is fine.
I'm happy and in love.
Damn it, Brian, did you leave
the doggy gate open?
-(all barking)
-No, no, no, stop it.
Peppy, you're allergic
to Frankie's food.
Malcolm, stop humping
your brother.
Backsy, outside!
CARRIE:
Babe, can you give me a hand
moving my furniture
all around the room until I find
a place I like for it?
Kind of in the middle
of something, babe!
Ah, the seven-hour itch.
Shut up, Brian.
Why don't you go for a walk?
-(dogs barking excitedly)
-No, no, no, no, no.
No walk. No walk.
No, no.
We're not going for a walk.
I gotta stop saying "walk."
I said walk again.
And there again.
CARRIE:
Honey, I want to make
a stir-fry tonight.
-Have we unpacked the wok?
-(dogs barking louder)
No, no, w-O-K.
W-O-K. She said wok!
(sobbing):
She said wok.
She said wok...
(gasps)
My candy, it's all gone.
Even my West Hollywood candy.
My Twinx bar.
My very Milky Way.
(gasps)
My Reese's Penis.
Who's done this to me?
Who's taken candy
from a baby?
Well, we did it. Cheers.
We sure did, Chris.
-Cool iguana.
-He's dry.
I named him Arid.
Thank you, word-a-day calendar,
travel edition.
Just met some of Carrie's
friends.
They are very excited
for her.
-Well, they should be.
-Well, they should be.
And they are.
Anyway, expectations are high.
(glass clinking)
Thank you, everyone, for coming
to our engagement party.
And an extra thanks
to my airline buddies
for organizing it.
Uh, folks, our party time
tonight is
two hours and 48 minutes.
We know you have
lots of choices
for terrible weekend activities,
and we hope to see you soon
on an inconvenient weekend
for their destination wedding,
which I hear is on a Thursday
in Lisbon, Portugal.
-WOMAN: That's so far.
-MAN: Come on!
Yep. Yep.
It's been wonderful meeting
all of Carrie's family
and friends.
(chuckles)
I only wish you were all
wearing nametags.
(laughter)
Isn't he adorable?
My expectations are high.
You know, I first met Carrie
and her niece
a couple of weeks ago
on Halloween.
Thank God they decided
to take that walk.
And now we're headed
down the aisle;
a very different
kind of walk.
(barking excitedly)
And, Carrie,
if I may borrow a line
from our favorite song,
I would walk 500 miles...
Stampede!
(dogs barking)
-Isn't he adorable?
-He loves those dogs.
I'm hearing a lot of good things
about that guy.
That's it.
Glenn, are you okay?
No, I'm not okay.
I thought I could do this,
but I can't.
I've been lying to you,
and I've been lying to myself.
There's something
you need to know.
I hate dogs.
(all gasp)
Uh, this party has begun
its initial descent.
That's not even my dog.
That's Brian, my neighbor's dog.
He can talk.
Brian, say something.
-Brack.
-Bite me.
Glenn... (scoffs)
I can't believe this.
So you don't like dogs,
that's fine.
But you didn't have to lie and
put me through all of this.
Good-bye, Glenn.
Uh, folks, please use caution
as you exit the party
as some of your feelings
may have shifted.
Well, well, well.
Save it, Brian. I'll concede
that you were right.
But you know what?
So was I.
Dogs are the worst.
And I'm coming for you,
Brian the dog.
Maybe not today,
maybe not tomorrow,
But one day.
Maybe tomorrow.
And when that day comes,
you're gonna say,
ooh, Glenn got me good.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I need to take a walk.
Brack?
Oh, no. Stay...
You're coming back, though,
right?
Hey, Brian, I was just over
talking to Quagmire,
and he thought you might
want to take a look
at my new screenplay.
Oh, I-I don't really, uh...
It's called Ocean's 1.
Between you and me,
I can't believe
nobody's done it before,
to say nothing of
Ocean's 2 through 7.
Yeah, I-I could, uh,
take a look, sure.
It's a little long right now.
It's about 430 pages.
I have my "all is lost" moment
on page 389, thereabouts.
Quagmire!
Now, if'n you don't know,
most Hollywood screenplays
wrap up at around 110 pages.
And if'n it's a comedy, why,
you want it in the 90s.
Anyway, they said I could have
these last few seconds
to mention something
near and dear to me.
So, men, don't be afraid
to have the doctor
put a camera up your old
saddle masher.
They knock you out now,
and it's a good way
to make sure there's no
bad beans in your mess wagon.
We hope you've enjoyed
the Family Guy.
♪