Family Guy (1998–…): Season 20, Episode 2 - Rock Hard - full transcript

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Ah, the record store...

Full of the greatest albums
of all time



and the employees
who hate every one of 'em.

Hey, do you have
the Eagles' Greatest Hits?

Yeah. It's under "O"
for "obvious."

And "overrated."

Thank you, bearded failures.

You know, it's stores like this
where you learn

about the real history
of rock and roll,

not the watered-down version
you get in every movie

about a musician's life.

Yeah, all those biopics
are the same story:

unsupportive parents, hit song,

band turmoil...

Having giant horse teeth
and dying of AIDS.

All of 'em are exactly the same.



Check out this section
for the Doors.

Jim Morrison is a legend,

whether we like it or not.

He had the good sense to die

before we could see him
at the Pechanga Casino and go,

"Oh, my God, that's him?"

It was the '60s,

a time of great
fateful missed Frisbee catches.

The iconic band
was formed one day

when Ray Manzarek met
Jim Morrison on Venice Beach.

Thanks! I'm Ray Manzarek.
What's your name?

Jim Morrison. Light my fire.

W-Wait a minute, wait.
What'd you just say?

Say that again.

Light my fire?

Yeah, that! That could be a song

that's tolerated
for generations!

What do you say
you and I form a band?

A band? But this is the '60s.

We don't have nearly enough
floppy heads of hair to do that.

Hey, you guys starting a band?
Mind if we join?

Yes. You're both in.

We are gonna be huge, you guys.

And nothing's
gonna get between us...

Not drugs or alcohol

or the first toxic relationship
that comes my way.

Look out! Easily manipulated
runaway comin' through!

Screw you guys!
I'm following that lady,

and there's nothing
you can do about it!

I am the Doors!

Jim, be reasonable.

We haven't even named ourselves
that yet.

Look, I'm gonna get right to it

and say I miss making music
with you bastards.

Thanks!

I'm Charles Manson.
What's your name?

Jim Morrison. Kill Sharon Tate.

Wait a minute.
What did you just say?

Say that again.

♪ This is how women
on drugs dance. ♪

Yeah.

Jim Morrison.
Love me two times.

W-Wait a minute.
What'd you just say?

Say that again.

Well, Jim, I'm flattered
you broke into my home,

but I have a serious boyfriend
and I think you should leave.

But I'm a rock star!

And he's an astronaut.

You know, unfortunately for you,
this is the one time in history

where astronauts are cooler
than rock stars.

Well, I don't care.
You're my muse,

and I'm moving in with
my trash bags of bad poetry.

"The caterpillar...

"a tiny hair snake?

Nay. Because of his many,
many legs."

"The snake.

"A large, hairless caterpillar?

Nay. On account of no legs."

"The snakeapillar..."

Wow. Such a genius, huh?

Now, I do have a boyfriend,

but I'm also a free spirit.

That's my fun
little way of sayin' I'm a slut.

So, how'd you like to have sex
with my kite-sized woman weave?

Mm, it'll mesh perfectly with
my giant nest of tight ringlets.

Oh, Jim.

Call me the Lizard King.

Oh, Lizard King!

Yeah. Now call
me Archduke Salamander,

Emperor of Newts.

You're the Archduke...

Ah, I'm done.

Velcro.

Just like my shoes.

Early on, Jim Morrison
had terrible stage fright,

so he performed
with his back to the crowd.

The only thing
that calmed his nerves

was what everyone
was using back then,

Strawberry Nesquik.

It upset his stomach terribly

because of
his lactose intolerance,

a condition that would escalate
to full-on cream bigotry.

Yeah, that's the stuff.

♪ And a one, two, three. ♪

Uh-oh.

My fart's stuck in the pants.

Well, get it out.
We've got a show to do.

We all feeling good tonight?

I know I'm feeling good.

Uh, this next one's called
"Break On Through."

Yes.

"Break on through."

Jim, there's someone
you have to meet.

Hello. I'm someone
with no knowledge of music

who is somehow controlling
the music industry,

and I want to make you a star.

How do I know I can trust you?

'Cause I'm not just an agent...

I'm a fan.

- Really?
- Absolutely.

In fact, I'd love your autograph
on the bottom of this contract,

in absence of any legal counsel.

Come on, buddy,
you're embarrassing me.

They did it.

They signed the contract

that would make
their cocaine dealer rich.

And then it was off
to the studio

for a shirtless rehearsal.

What the hell, Jim?

You look terrible.

Are you back on the Quik?

Please,
I've barely stirred today.

Look, I'm sorry.
I'm ready now, all right?

I'm ready to make
this college dorm room poster.

Damn it, Jim. We're here
to make an album, not a poster.

Make an album?

Why didn't you say so?

Bring in the terrible,
too-involved girlfriends, guys!

Jim, meet my girlfriend,
Yoko O-yes.

She's beloved
by everyone close to me

and prides herself on
not messing with a good thing.

I'm just gonna get out
of the way

and let you guys do your music.

You won't even know I'm here.

You guys want to see something?

You want to see if it's as big
as they say it is?

What the hell is he doing now?

That night marked the end

of Jim Morrison's
rock god status,

when he was unable to find
and expose his penis

in a Florida music venue.

Like every man
who can't find his penis,

Jim Morrison moved to Paris,

where he did heroin one night
and drowned in a bathtub.

There was a movie
about the Doors.

If you're a bunch of guys
in college

wanting to make
all the girls go away,

put on the movie The Doors.
Poof, they're gone.

Then it's just you
and your buddies.

You could've gotten laid,
but you put on The Doors.

Why'd you do that?

Well, if we learned anything
from Jim Morrison's tragic tale,

it's that white guys definitely
invented rock and roll.

What? That's bullcrap!

Rock and roll was invented
in the Mississippi Delta

by Black people.

Jerome, if Black guys
invented rock and roll,

then how come everyone else
in a vintage vinyl record store

is a stock photo meme white guy?

You ain't heard of the Black man
who invented rock and roll

'cause he never got a movie
about his life.

But I'm-a educate y'all on
the greatest rocker of all time,

Delta bluesman Muddy Drawers.

Muddy grew up in a shotgun shack
in the Deep South.

His family was so poor,

they lived underneath
the mighty Mississippi.

They all had to share one room

and one mustache.

Well, I'm off to make something
of myself with this here guitar.

Don't go chasin' no white women!

Too far away! Can't hear you!

In those days,
Black people had nothing,

but they still had
to wear suits everywhere.

The only instrument Muddy could
afford was a one-string guitar.

That one guitar string
was also the family belt.

Despite all his setbacks,

Muddy would do whatever it took
to master the guitar,

even if it meant making a deal
with the devil himself.

So he headed on down
to the crossroads.

The Crossroads being
a fancy school in Los Angeles.

Tobey Maguire's kid goes there.

You'd see him sometimes,
dropping off.

Not all the time but sometimes.

Hey, Tobey!

See you at the holiday show!

Stupid fanboy.

You ain't ever getting
that invite

to dinner with the Gyllenhaals.

Muddy was right.

He never got invited to dinner
with Jake Gyllenhaal

or his sleepy-eyed sister,

which is probably for the best.

She looks like she chews
with her mouth open.

But Muddy did get
his guitar lessons.

From the devil.

Sign here and you'll be
the greatest guitar player

who ever lived.

All it'll cost you is...
your soul.

Okay. You got yourself a deal.

And just so you know,
with this purchase of a soul,

I will also give a soul
to a child in need.

Yeah, yeah, I don't want that.

- It's no additional cost to you.
- Mm-hmm.

It's just my way of giving back,
out of my end.

Seems like it's
probably baked into the price.

So Muddy went out
and created a new sound,

the sound of rock and roll.

It was so groundbreaking

that an apathetic sound mixer
put down his newspaper

and his stale cup of coffee
to pay attention.

♪ This song has one line ♪

♪ I'm gonna sing it
several times ♪

♪ That's it ♪

♪ Well ♪

♪ This song has one line ♪

♪ I'm gonna sing it
several times ♪

♪ Not just once ♪

♪ Listen ♪

♪ This song has one line ♪

♪ I'm gonna sing it
several times. ♪

The song was a hit

and got Muddy
his first record contract.

Now, since he was
a Black performer,

naturally, he went on tour

in the part of the country
that's so racist

it's known as the Boston
of the South.

He was given a white driver.

The record company chose
an Italian American man

so Muddy would be used
to hearing

all the worst racial slurs

before he got there.

Big crawdads guy, huh?

Oh, yeah. They're the best.

Please look at the road
while you're driving.

I wouldn't know about crawdads.

- Never had 'em.
- What?

You got to try 'em!

Here, take the rest of mine.
I insist.

But Muddy had had crawdads.

Many times.

That was just his little trick
for getting free crawdads

from coarse Italians.

What are you working on?

I'm trying to write a nice
letter to my wife Margerie,

but I never been any good
with...

Damn it, what are those things?

- Words?
- Yeah, I-I never been any good at words.

In fact,
I'm downright great at 'em.

I could help you if you want.

Yeah? Could you make it sound
so she thinks me,

a white guy, is the one
who actually wrote it?

Easy. Write this.

"Dearest Margerie,

"I can't wait to get home

"and back that big fat ass up.

"Back, back, back it up.

"Back, back, back it up.

Wu Tang Clan
ain't nothing to mess with."

Dearest Margerie,

a lady who worked at the hotel
we were staying at

had, like, the freckliest chest
I've ever seen.

Yours, Vinny.

Ultimately,
Vinny went his own way

with the letter.

Hey, Muddy, I was thinking,

since we made it
to the part of the story

where we realize that we're not
so different from each other,

we should celebrate.

Yeah? What did you have in mind?

I don't know. Maybe...

that!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

This is
a "whites only" carnival.

It's okay, Vinny.
Let's get out of here.

No! This is unacceptable,
and it will not stand!

My friend is a human being!

We demand recourse!

Unconscionable!

And though
the trip was soon over,

a friendship was formed
that transcended race.

But it would not last long.

What the hell?!

All the pages in my songbook
are torn out!

Dear Muddy, I
have something to confess.

I stole all your songs,

and my real name
is Elvis Presley.

That son of a bitch!

Damn you, Elvis Presley!

Oh, well.

There's still an exciting future
ahead of me.

This ain't the end of my story.

Oh, no.
The screen's turnin' sepia.

This is the end of my story!

I got to get to a stool
for the one

"old-timey Black guy musician"
photo

anyone will ever know me by.

Muddy didn't make it to
the stool in time for his photo.

Elvis never gave him
the credit he deserved.

And people were pissed
when Green Book won that Oscar.

The end.

Great story, Jerome.

Elvis really was the best.

Peter, is that Stewie?

Oh, yeah. Looks
like he's gonna do one next.

You're gonna let the baby
do one?

Oh, I'm sorry,
are your children funny?

No.

Ah, here it is.

Elton John's Greatest Hits,

a collection of songs
by the one gay guy on earth

with a worse haircut
than Pete Rose.

We'll defer
that end-of-year bonus

to the following fiscal quarter,

harvest the losses
on our cap gains...

That's a no-brainer...
And, let's see,

update
my beneficiary designations?

Uh, yeah, I think so.

Damn, I'm good.

Elton John, what the hell
do you think you're doing?!

It's just a little
number crunchin', Pop.

What's going on in here?

Why don't you ask your son,
the tax man?

I found these
under his mattress!

W-2s!

I-I was holding them
for a friend.

Wh-Wh-What are you doin', Pop?

No son of mine is gonna be
a heterosexual paper pusher.

You need to be a loud-and-proud
performer like your gay old dad!

Aah! You hit me!

Oh, Elton. I'm telling you this
because I love you.

You'll never find someone
to love you.

Not even Dolly Levi
could help you.

Who's Dolly Levi?

Oh, where did we go so wrong?!

So Elton John
collaborated with Bernie Taupin,

who would write the lyrics
for Elton's songs.

Bernie was married three times
in a desperate bid

to convince the world
he was not a homosexual.

All right, Bernie,
what do you got?

Uh, how 'bout this?

"Yours are the sweetest eyes

I've ever seen."

They are?

Whoa! I-I'm not gay.

You're not?
Y-You just seem very...

Yeah. I'm British.
We all seem that way,

even if we're not
but secretly are.

Elton, meet the best producer
in the business.

Kid, how would you like to sign
with my label,

Naive-Young-Talent Records.

Together,
we are gonna make me millions!

Sounds fair to me.
Let's get to it!

From then on,
Elton's new male producer

rode him day and night.

When Elton was tired of playing,
he'd get right behind him

and push him on the stool
until he was finished.

Sometimes Elton would cry

because of how hard
he was pushing.

But it paid off,
because, in the end,

they had a massive load.
Of hits.

Just a... just a big,
messy load of hits.

The night Elton John performed
at Dodger Stadium,

he was so nervous, he almost
never left the dressing room.

Elton! Elton!

Elton! Elton!

Whoa, dude, no!

I'm just
a straight moment of clarity.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't, uh...

But his reflection
had walked away,

never to return.

And he had to do his own makeup.

Also, due to a scheduling error,

the Dodgers had a game
that night,

and Elton had to bat fourth
in the lineup.

It's a mince-off
single and the Dodgers win!

Elton John was heavily
involved in the L.A. party scene,

and things took a dark turn
one night

when he and Bernie went to
a party in the Hollywood Hills,

one where you park
way down at the bottom

and have to walk all the way up.

God, how much farther is it?

I don't know.
You didn't get a TripTik.

That's 'cause the rock star
doesn't get the TripTik.

The writer gets the TripTik.

Damn it,
here comes another person

walking to the same party.

Let's stop, so we don't have
to walk with him the whole way.

When they said
this party was "far out,"

they weren't kidding.

I know, right? Yeah.

♪ - Look, we've got to be close.

I can hear the music.

Damn it!
We're in the wrong canyon!

Well, I'm exhausted.

Come on, let's just go home.

I don't know.
I kind of want to stay out.

Hang on. Hey!

What's the cocaine sitch like
at that party?!

Enough to kill a Belushi!

But you probably don't want
to come!

It's a real sausage fest
over here!

I'm going to that party.

Elton, if you leave me
right now, it's a big deal,

because this is the time of the
story where that's a big deal.

What'd you say?! I couldn't hear
you over the sound of snorting!

Have fun getting home
without a TripTik, trip dick!

Whoa-ho! Looks like Elton
learned how to write!

How is he, Doctor?

Well, looks like your husband's
gonna be all right, Mr., uh...

I've been married three times!
I'm Bernie Taupin!

You know what,
don't worry about it.

I already forgot who you are.

Anyway, congratulations.

Elton will be back on his knees
in no time.

Look at me. At some hospital

next to a Denny's
by the airport.

All day long,
it's just Denny's and the jets.

Wait, what'd you just say?
Say that again.

The important thing is
you're alive.

Thanks. Hey, what do you say we
get the ole team back together

for a "what do they look like
now" credits montage?

Well, we can,
but I'm not sure you'll like it.

That's what I look like?!

Who is letting me out
of the house like...

Someone in the future
is seriously failing me!

Yeah, you look like a
Candy Land villain that came to life.

- I know!
- You look like a Muppet

that teaches kids
about being gay.

All right, that's enough.
Why are we making fun of me?

I'm not a bad guy. Let's just
make fun of Sean Hannity again.

He looks like a guy
who just OD'd on Just For Men.

He looks like Alan Thicker.

He's a guy
whose wife yells at him

for getting his ball powder
all over the bathroom.

All right, we
could do this all day.

For more Hannity slams, go
to Family Guy's YouTube page.

And, hey, if you think of your
own, leave it in the comments.

He's the guy
your mom dates twice

and then yells at you
for the remote.

Okay. But now we're done.

Well, I can't think
of a better way to end our visit

than by remembering the four
lads who started a band in 1962

and changed the world forever.

- Steve, Dal, Bob and Robin.
- John, Paul, George and Ringo.

- Who?
- Steve, Dal, Bob and Robin.

The Trashmen.

Oh...

♪ Uh, well, everybody's heard ♪

♪ About the bird ♪

♪ B-B-B-Bird, bird, bird ♪

♪ B-Bird's the word ♪

♪ Uh, well, a bird, bird, bird ♪

♪ Bird is the word,
uh, well... ♪