Family Guy (1998–…): Season 20, Episode 1 - LASIK Instinct - full transcript

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

♪

All right,
time for 8:15 drop-off.



Now Mommy's on a quick
break till 3:30.

(sighs)
Toughest job in the world.

Oh, look, Kylie's mom
is out of rehab.

Good morning, little guy.

Hey, Janet, good to see you.

Hey, listen, thank you so much
for your apology email.

An individual one
would have been nice,

but one to the whole class
was fine, too.

Have a good day, Stewie.

(loud thud)

Oh, my God, please be
a dog. Please be a dog.

(crying):
Ow. Ow...

Oh, my God, it's a kid!

It's Doug!
Nice hit, bitch.



Oh, and Elsa underwear.

This day just keeps
getting better!

Well, thank you all for coming.

Can I get anyone
something to drink?

I'm fine, but Doug's mother
would probably like

three martinis, and then to have
unprotected sex

with her boss at work.

And Doug's father would love
a glass of warm tap water

and to never make more
than $30,000 a year

for the rest of his life.

And here we go.

Okay, well, I am just so sorry

about what happened with Doug.

I just didn't see
the little guy.

Well, maybe you ought
to get your eyes examined.

I appreciate that it was
an accident, Mrs. Griffin.

But nonetheless,
we've retained a lawyer.

Well, there must be some way
short of a lawsuit

we can make this up to you.

Well, this is my weekend
with Doug,

but I've got tickets
to see Lana Del Rey

with our former nanny Jessica.

(exhales sharply)

She's 24.
So as a form of settlement,

maybe this weekend you can
put together a tree house

I don't want to deal with.

Fine. If that's what
I have to do to make this right,

then Peter and my children will
build your son's tree house.

Deal.

All right, I guess now
the four men

awkwardly sit here while
my mom gives your mom

a tour of the house
that doesn't deserve one.

LOIS: And this is
a room adjacent to the room

we were just in.

DOUG'S MOTHER:
Ooh, what a fun house.

Okay, Mrs. Griffin,
tell me what you see.

Um, I see a cow in a lab coat,

some vultures in a cowboy hat,

and a dog trying to trick a cat
into a clothes dryer.

Just as I thought.
You're Far-Sided.

Oh, no.
What-what do I do about it?

Oh, well, I'm no doctor,
but I would say

you either need to get glasses
or maybe LASIK.

Is that the surgery people get

and then tell everybody
they got it?

Yes, it's the veganism
of elective surgery.

If you're unsure of what to do,

here's a video of Radiohead
front man

and super weirdo Thom Yorke
to help you decide.

Hello, I'm Thom Yorke.

You might know me from Radiohead

or my passing resemblance
to a melting Tilda Swinton.

Not many people know
that I'm blind in one eye.

Can you guess which one?

- This is awful.
- Wait, just give it a few minutes.

All his stuff
starts kind of slow.

Fine, I'll get the LASIK.

Great. Make an
appointment with my nurse.

Now here's a lollipop
from the Sackler family

that says, "Sowwy."

THOM YORKE: In the future,
we won't even need our eyes.

Computers will see for us.

Oh, now you're a doctor?
I guess I'm a singer now.

♪ Tra-la-la-la-la.
♪ I'm Casey Kasem.

(à la Kasem): That was Elmer
Hartman peaking at number 32 with

"I Hate Computers (Tra-La-La)."

Mrs. Griffin, the
surgery was a success.

And by that, I mean
the hospital agreed

to take your Discover card.

Plus, we'll get one
percent of that back,

which is basically
like getting nothing.

(gasps) Oh, my God... I'm blind.

PETER: What do
you mean you're blind?

- Y-You can't see me right now?
- No!

But you can still see, like,
the stove and laundry, right?

But, Mom, we got you a balloo...

Shh, shh, shh.

(whispers): She doesn't
know about the balloon.

Don't worry, Lois, we'll
be right by your side

the whole time, and not
outside playing with a balloon.

(Peter laughing)

I love you, balloon.

Oh-oh, oh, no, no!

I'm coming, balloon!

(air hisses, Peter inhales)

(helium voice): Don't tell
your mother about this.

Don't worry, Lois, I
went blind a while back.

It was cool. They're
some of the last people

you can still make fun of.

- Dad!
- It's fine, they won't see this.

Dr. Hartman, you said
there was very little risk

to LASIK, but now I am blind.

How did this happen?

Okay, look, this isn't my fault.

It was Take-Your-Cat-
To-Work day.

(meows)

Dr. Hartman, what does
this mean, you know, for me?

Well, whatever
your wife did for you,

you'll now have to
do for yourselves.

And until she gets
used to her new life,

you'll need to take care of her.

Feed her, bathe
her, drive her places.

- They're gone, aren't they?
- They left, yes.

There they are. I thought
we said 10:00 sharp,

but we must have said 10:18.

(chuckles) No one's
fault, but going forward,

let's make sure we respect
each other's time, hmm?

- You must be Chris.
- I must?

You know, we have
a friend in common:

Mr. Herbert.

How do you know Mr. Herbert?

We're friends. Sometimes
he comes to my art shows,

and we get ice cream after.

Let me guess, he
takes you to the park

where the swings go really high?

- He does.
- Uh-huh.

That'll stop. And the ice cream?

Don't get used to it.

I've seen a thousand of
you. I've outlasted them.

I'll outlast you.

Okay, uh, my dad left a
note for you, Mr. Griffin.

"Griffins, build this
tree house for my son.

"He will love it for a year,
until my housekeeper

"moves into it, even though
it doesn't have electricity

"or running water.

She walked here from
Guatemala. She'll be fine."

Let's get started, boys.

Aw, man, this is
gonna be more work

than when I built that
Habitat for Sean Hannity.

As you can see, we've
made everything white,

like you requested.

Here's a room to recover

from your sodium headaches,

and on the walls, I painted

some of your most famous quotes.

There's the one
where you compared

the homosexual lifestyle
to playing in the sewer,

and there's the one where
you defended Roy Moore.

- Nice.
- Uh-huh.

And here's a room where you
can blame things on an immigrant.

Hey, nothing personal, I
just peddle hate for money.

ANNOUNCER: We
now return to Blindflix,

the streaming service
for blind people.

I can't believe
it's the year 2034,

Earth is uninhabitable, and
we're hurtling through space

to find a place for
humanity to start again.

Thankfully, we are Chris
Evans and Vanessa Hudgens,

and have sexy bodies
that will make beautiful

racially nuanced babies.

I love you, Chris Evans.

I love you, too,
Vanessa Hudgens.

Kiss me.

(both moaning)

Ah, this show is so sexy.

How you doing, Mom?

Do you need to go poopies?

Meg, please stop asking me that.

I'm sorry, I just... I
hate being so dependent

on other people.

I feel helpless and worthless.

I get it. I feel helpless
and worthless 24-sevs.

How do you deal with it?

Cutting, minor arson,
and sometimes I post

empowerment videos on YouTube.

Empowerment videos?

I thought YouTube
went out of business.

Uh, what am I thinking of?

- Circuit City.
- Yes.

Here. The camera's on.

Just getting your feelings
out will make you feel better.

Oh, okay. Um, hello.

Uh, my name is Lois Griffin,

and I... am blind.

Uh, I went to the hospital
for a simple surgery

and woke up in the ICU.

But the irony was
I couldn't see you.

I couldn't see
anyone or anything.

Even the people closest to me

who need to be seen the most.

So now I suppose if
I want to see again,

I'll have to listen more

and-and feel more and focus on

what's on the inside and not
what I can see on the outside.

(sighs)

Okay, that's all for now.

Mom, that was incredible.

You really spoke to me.

Who-Who's that? Is that Lois?

Peter, I'm the one who's blind.

Sorry, I-I'm still
getting used to things.

I can't believe
Doug's dad texted me

and said we had to come
to Doug's T-ball game

or he was gonna sue us.

Looks like they got
Big League Chew.

Yeah, I saw that. I saw that
they got Big League Chew.

Ah, the baseball
field. Good memories.

Lost my v-card here
with Jennifer Jason Leigh

in that dugout right over there.

That was Fast Times.

Yeah, fast for her,
maybe. I took a while.

(whistling)

Excuse me. What
happened to your big trip

to Providence?

Good morning, sports fans.

You ready to witness
the epitome of excellence?

Check this out.

(chuckling): Oh. Ball one.

(grunts)

Look, spaz, hold
the bat like this,

and then step into it
as you swing forward.

I did it. Thanks, Mr. Griffin.

- I'm leaving.
- Come on, Chris.

Don't be mad. My plans changed.

Oh, hey, Doug.

CHRIS: Are you kidding me?!

Mom, you won't
believe what happened.

Your video went viral.

Oh, does that mean
Circuit City's back?

No, it means your ICU video
really connected with people.

You're helping people
who feel unseen, Mom.

Like me. You're everywhere.

Okay, so what am I
supposed to do now?

Make another video.

Hi, Lois, I didn't get a monkey.

Off to see Bananarama. Bye.

♪ I'm your Venus... ♪

Well, it's not what I thought
it was gonna be either.

Mom, I made some ICU T-shirts.

What's going on?
Who are these people?

My team.

ICU has exploded.

There's ICU Fashion,
ICU Skincare,

ICU Health. It is a gold mine.

Okay, but what does
any of this have to do with

seeing people for
who they really are?

Oh, pfft, who cares about that?

I do. ICU was an idea
I could really believe in,

and you're ruining it.

I'm not ruining it,
I'm expanding it.

You know, I'm the one
who went blind, Meg.

I'm the one who's suffering.

Now the least I can do is
make some money from it.

Now stand back.

It's time to make another video.

Hello, Seers, Lois here.

You know, sometimes the
darkness gets overwhelming,

and that's when I turn
to ICU Essential Oils.

It calms you before sleep,
or you can cook chicken in it.

(upbeat music playing)

Oh, my God.

I can see.

Oh, God, but if
anybody finds out,

it'll ruin my ICU brand.

Ugh. Peter told me
he'd been doing laundry.

You know, now I'm even
wondering if he lost those 75 pounds

like he said.

PETER: What's that, Lois?

I'm just on the spin bike.

Got a good sweat going.

Boy, you're right,
Sarah loves those hills.

Okay, here's the microphone.

Yeah, I see it.

I-I mean, oh, thank you.

Uh, i-is that Meg?

Mom, what's going on with you?

Nothing. Especially my eyesight.

I am still very, very blind.

Thank you all for coming today.

I can't see you,
because I'm blind,

but ICU.

(cheering)

Please be sure to try out
our new colonic partnership

with increasingly
irrelevant rapper Eminem,

the Eminenema.

It promises to clear out "8
Miles" of mom's spaghetti.

It goes in slim clear and
comes out slim shady.

Thank you, I'm blind.

(cheering)

That was incredible, Lois.

You're a real inspiration.

My name is Wanda
Keptmymaidenname,

and I work for Helen.

(gasps) Helen Disingenuous,
the beloved daytime talk show host

who gives millions
away to those in need

and is still somehow loathed?

Well, "loathed" is a little
bit exactly right, but yes.

I'm here, Lois,
because Helen has been

following your success and
would love to make it her own.

Would you consider
being a guest on our show?

Oh, my gosh, really?
That's amazing.

So I get to go to Hollywood?

We actually tape
the show in Burbank.

- Oh. What's the difference?
- (laughs)

That's hilarious.

I'll have someone who makes
a lot less money than me

set everything up.

Meg, can you believe it?

This is gonna take ICU global.

I'll be more popular than
a Robert Redford clip.

Hey, guys. My dad
made you another list.

"Teach Doug to ride
a bike, bake cookies,

listen to his
Archer impression."

This is ridiculous. We're
not doing any of this.

I don't know, I kind of want
to hear his Archer impression.

Yeah, I'm curious.

(as Archer): I'm an international
spy, but I also do mundane things.

Okay, all right.
That's-that's pretty good.

But that's it. No more.

Then I guess my dad
will just have to sue you.

You know what? Go
ahead and sue us.

I mean, look at this guy.

What do you think
you're gonna get?

We came here in his dog's car.

But we had a deal.

Well, the deal's off.
I'll call your dad myself.

No, don't.

- (phone ringing)
- What the...?

It was you making
us do all that stuff.

You made fools of us, Doug!

Get him.

- (Chris grunting)
- (Brian barking)

Dad, help.

I'm not Dad. I'm
Pete the Pirate.

God, I already told you.

Why did you do it?

Why did you make
us do all that stuff

For this. I did it for this.

What? What do you mean?

(sighs) I don't have
a dog or a brother.

Or even a father, really.

But these past few days
I felt like I've had all that.

I'm sorry, but I didn't
know any other way

to get you to
spend time with me.

Doug, there you are. Thank God!

♪

Hey, I got your message
about the miscarriage.

So, Saturday night?

What a dick.

You know what? I'm
gonna go poop in his shoes.

You'd do that for me?

Sure I will, buddy.

Hang on, Brian. I got
one in the chamber.

- I'll join you.
- Thanks, guys.

I guess that just leaves us.

Look, I think you're a
total garbage person.

- Same.
- And being nice to you goes against

- everything I stand for.
- Same.

Okay, don't be the person
who just says "same,"

like it's a real response.

You know what, let's just
hate each other in public

and maybe not hate each
other as much in private.

Like George and
Kellyanne Conway?

What is up with those two?

Ah, this is really gonna
put ICU over the top, Meg.

I am gonna be rich.

Now, which one is better,
the blue or the green?

Wait, how do you know
what colors they are?

(gasps) Mom, you
can see? I knew it.

Okay, fine. Yes, I can see.

I can't believe you've
been lying. Why?

Don't you get it?
I have to be blind

to keep the money rolling in.

Nobody's gonna be inspired
by a middle-aged, cisgendered,

- able-bodied white woman.
- Or man.

Now, you keep your
mouth shut, or I will...

Knock knock.

Helen, is that you?

Oh, I'm so blind.
(nervous chuckle)

I just wanted to say hello,
welcome you to the show.

Have you been to Burbank before?

- Never.
- Oh, well, while you're waiting,

check out this video I made

for the Burbank
Tourism Association.

HELEN (narrating): Welcome
to beautiful Burbank, California,

home of more year-round
Halloween stores

than any other
city in the world.

Do you like Jack in the
Box? Then you're in luck.

We've got six of them.

If you've ever
wanted to visit a place

where you can hear
the freeway from literally

every spot in town,
then Burbank is for you.

Want to do drugs in
an empty swimming pool

with a couch in it?

Want to see what you imagine
an affluent neighborhood

in Honduras looks like?

You can do all of
that and so much more

in Burbank.

(cheers and applause)

We're here with Lois
Griffin, founder of ICU

and an inspiration to millions
of easily persuadable women.

So, Lois, I understand, in
addition to everything else,

you've started the
ICU Foundation.

That's right, Helen.

You know, you haven't
really made it until

you're able to
convince rich people

to give you money for a
nebulous and undefined

important cause.

And what will your
foundation focus on?

Women's issues.
And the environment.

- Refugees.
- (applause)

Well, we support you,

so we've got a surprise for you.

♪

Oh, my God. Reese Witherspoon?!

I love her.

(all gasp)

Lois, how did you know
it was Reese Witherspoon

- if you can't see?
- Ah.

Um, that's-that's
just, um, what I say

when I'm excited.
Reese Witherspoon!

Lois, are you actually blind?

Yes. I mean...

No.

I was blind when I started ICU,

but I got my sight
back a few days ago.

I just wanted to make a
difference and, you know,

maybe get money from
sympathetic strangers.

I'm sorry.

Hey, y'all, can I put
this big ole check down?

My arms ain't but small sticks.

Oh, shut up, Reese
Witherspoon, you big phony.

There's no way you've
read all those books

you slap your sticker on.

Well, Lois, you've disappointed
a lot of people here today.

And since this is daytime
TV, you'll have to stand trial

on a Black judge show.

(upbeat theme music playing)

Lois Griffin, I find you guilty,

and I sentence you to
pay your roommate back

for his dog food,

or whatever dumb
(bleep) this one's about.

Well, Lois, I'm glad
you're not blind anymore.

Oh, me, too. I just
wish I'd handled it better.

Hey, at least you got
to go to Hollywood.

- Burbank.
- What's the difference?

Oh, boy, I'll show you.

HELEN (narrating): Want to get your
car washed by a former Nickelodeon star?

Want to take an improv
class from an instructor

you have to drive home after?

You can in Burbank.

Buy a house with a second floor
no one got permits for,

and then watch the 98-degree
winter nights tick by

through rusty bars
on your windows.

Share a duplex with
that guy from that thing.

Pay L.A. prices
for Orlando amenities

in Burbank.