Family Guy (1998–…): Season 19, Episode 20 - Tales of Former Sports Glory - full transcript
Cleveland, Quagmire, and Peter share stories of athletic accomplishments from their youth.
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
Coming up tonight: Quahog's own
poet laureate comes to the set
and graces us with her...
Oh, God, that's tonight?
Hey, Jerome, turn on the game.
Sorry, guys, cable's out.
We're only getting
local stations.
Oh, what, so now we got
to talk sports to pass the time?
Or maybe watch Gilmore Girls.
Just as, like, a goof.
You know,
if you want to talk sports,
I've got quite a story to tell.
Oh! Oh! This is the one
where Lorelai's mom makes
her martini with an onion
instead of an olive.
Boy, that's
a passive-aggressive move.
If you knew her mom,
you'd know that's
a passive-aggressive move.
It all started
when I was a young boy...
Last chance
on this Gilmore Girls thing.
I was a baseball prodigy.
It was back home
in the Cuban league.
I grew up working in the tobacco
fields outside of Havana.
That's where I learned
to play baseball.
Our mitts were made of cigars,
some of them still going.
All right! Ha!
All right, I caught it!
At night I drove a cab.
We all had to drive
huge cars there.
I was just a regular young man
wearing pants
that went above my belly button.
Pull your pants up.
When I was nine,
my father took me
to my first baseball game.
Fidel Castro was there
to throw out the first pitch.
He was wearing
the same outfit as always.
Later we would find out
he had a fashion disease
known as
Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.
We would write more jokes
about him,
but our dumb-dumb writers
only know what he looks like.
Strike!
(cheering and applause)
We all worshipped Che Guevara.
Although none of us really knew
what side he was on.
Thank you?
But we knew he'd make
a great poster
in college dorm rooms someday.
ANNOUNCER: Please rise
for the Cuban National Anthem.
( I Love Lucy theme song
playing)
CLEVELAND: In Cuba,
we hated America so much,
we copied everything they did.
And died trying to get there.
(crowd cheering, clamoring)
(music ends)
Castro said there were CIA
all over our island,
but I never saw any.
(cheering, clamoring)
Yeah! Ha-ha! All right!
But from that day on,
I fell in love with baseball.
I dreamed of one day
playing in the big leagues,
so I signed up for a montage
to get better.
(glass breaks)
(Cuban music playing)
I was at the top of my game.
I didn't even need
the full montage.
I was even recruited to play
on Cuba's national team,
the Gooding Juniors.
ANNOUNCER: Tonight,
the Cuba Gooding Juniors
take on the Haiti Joel Osments!
We tried to play,
but it was difficult
because hurricane season
was February through January.
(all shouting)
Every time, a hurricane
would sweep through,
decimating the island,
causing hundreds
of dollars worth of damage.
Aah!
Under Castro, every male
over the age of 18
was required to serve
two years as a band leader.
♪ Babaloo-oo-oo ♪
♪ Babaloo-oo-oo ♪
♪ Jungo ♪
♪ Oo-oo-oo ♪
♪ Babaloo ♪
(vocalizing)
♪ Ta empezando lo velorio ♪
♪ Que le hacemo a babalu. ♪
I loved baseball,
but yearned to play in America.
I would look across the water
and dream about
the great time
they must be having there.
I bet it's not so great.
♪ If you're going my way ♪
♪ I want to drive it
all night long ♪
♪ Oh, gimme, gimme, gimme,
gimme, yeah... ♪
Dang it!
I'm at the wrong country.
I knew what I had to do.
It was nothing against Cuba.
Cuba was nice.
We had a Bay of Hotties,
but also another bay
of less attractive women.
I forget what they called it.
However, tensions between
the U.S. and Cuba were high.
Castro was not happy
that they had named
the most dangerously gay part
of San Francisco after him.
Defecting to the U.S. was
punishable by prison or death.
But I was determined.
Then came my chance.
The Cuba Gooding Juniors had
an away game in Barbados.
Oy, herma we can escape
to the Cayman Islands.
Cayman, my ass.
I'm going to America.
Okay, when we land in America,
we all have to stop
saying "Cooba."
The sea was choppy,
and the sharks were relentless.
- (snores)
- (knock on door)
- Who is it?
- MALE: Uh, not a shark?
- Don't open it!
- MALE: No, it's just people.
- MALE 2: Yeah, people.
- MALE 3: And sharks.
MALE:
Shh! No sharks. Just people.
CLEVELAND: After a week at sea,
we saw the glittering lights
of Miami.
(cheering)
It was beautiful.
Then we decided
to go to Quahog instead,
which took eight more months.
Eventually,
I signed a large deal
with the Toronto Blue Jays.
But because I was
from a warm-weather climate,
it didn't work out.
-I still remember
my first major-league game.
-(cheering)
It was four hours
and 25 minutes long.
I was like, "What the (bleep)?"
Wow, Cleveland. I had no idea
you played baseball.
Too bad you couldn't
hit a home run
with The Cleveland Show.
Well, it certainly
wasn't a whiff.
More of a foul out.
It was a double.
You know,
you're not the only one
who got a taste of sports glory.
I had a pretty good run, myself.
Scrawny little guy like you,
Quagmire?
What did you play?
I was
a competitive tennis player.
Some might say too competitive.
But I was
the breath of fresh air
that the stuffy tennis world
needed.
I was born
into a real tennis family.
On my first birthday,
my mother gave me a little Head.
I wanted to be the first
male cheerleader for tennis.
I cheer on two occasions:
day and night!
- Ooh, tennis!
- (crowd booing)
And when that was weird,
I decided to just play tennis.
But it was understood I'd
grow up to be a tennis player
like my father
and his father before him
and his father before him.
We came from a long line
of tennis dicks.
I had six brothers,
but they'd all
sliced off their hands
opening a tennis ball can,
possibly the most dangerous
object known to mankind.
Hey, guys.
Anyone want to play tennis?
Llewellyn, no!
(screaming)
QUAGMIRE:
But I would do
everything I could
to make
my now-female father happy.
Practices were intense.
PETER:
I feel like you skipped over
a very big story point
right there.
QUAGMIRE:
My father was
a World War II vet,
so he used to make me
reenact the D-Day landing
with tennis ball machines.
(gasps)
(grunting)
But the work paid off.
I got invited
to the first U.S. Open,
which, at the time,
was called the U.S. Now Open.
There, I met the player
who would become my archrival:
Sweden's Hedd Banssen.
He'd bring his personal chef
to every match,
which was very distracting.
Aah! What the hell?
Hergy bergy meatball throwy!
(grunts)
Come on, this can't be legal.
What are you, blind?
Serve ball!
QUAGMIRE:
I was the bad boy of tennis,
and my unconventional style
of play changed the game.
Before I came along,
tennis was so safe,
it was customary
to hit a six-handed backhand.
I pioneered
the one-handed backhand
and, eventually,
the no-handed backhand.
(cheering)
Quagmire, I love your backhand.
That sounds
like a backhanded compliment.
(audience gasps)
I also flouted tennis etiquette
by wearing
the longest, baggiest shorts
the game had ever seen.
People criticized
my style of play
because I argued with umpires
and was taught
to bounce the ball 40 times
before my serve.
(grunts)
JUDGE: Let, first service.
I'd won the U.S. Open,
but I wouldn't settle
for just that.
My goal
was the coveted Grand Slam:
pancakes, eggs, sausage
and bacon at Denny's.
One day, Glenn. One day.
Maybe your birthday.
♪
I made it to Wimbledon
and got to play
in front of the queen...
Freddie Mercury.
I altered my 40-bounce routine
just for him.
(bouncing and clapping
to rhythm of "We Will Rock You")
It was an honor playing
for Freddie on grass that day.
He later died.
The doctor said it was asphalt.
- ♪ - (grunts)
(grunting)
(cheering)
It was the era before AIDS,
but a lot of tennis players
had to deal with the scourge
of Penis Gerulaitis.
Despite my on-court
temper tantrums,
I was on top of the world.
And that's when I saw her:
Tatum O'Seventies.
The hottest actress of the era.
She was fresh off her success
playing an 11-year-old
in a Little League movie,
which, for some reason,
made her the biggest sex symbol
in Hollywood.
- Thought you might need this.
- Thanks. I'm Glenn.
I know. I watched you smash your
racket and scream at a baby.
You know,
if you're free after this,
we could go back to my place
and try to fit some balls
in your can.
I practiced tantrum sex,
something I'd learned from Sting
but probably misheard.
QUAGMIRE:
What?! Are you crazy?
That was in!
We became New York's "It" couple
of the '70s.
We hung out at Studio 55.
There was no one there.
We could hear a lot of noise
coming from next door.
I got to meet the greatest
athletes of my generation.
Glenn, how would you like
to meet Bobby Orr?
- Or who?
- Bobby Orr.
Yeah, Bobby or who?
What's the other choice?
- It's Bobby Orr!
- You told me Bobby's
the first choice!
- What's the alternative?
- All right, forget that.
Do you want to meet Rick Monday?
Well, sure, I could do Monday,
but who is it?
By the 1980s,
things were starting to unravel.
(yells)
Aw, damn it!
My temper on the court
was increasingly an issue.
Out.
Are you serious?!
You cannot be serious!
I had a hard time
telling if people were serious.
I spilled spot remover
on my dog,
and now he's gone.
QUAGMIRE: Are you serious?!
I became famous
for smashing rackets
when things didn't go my way.
Of course, back then,
we didn't have multiple rackets,
so I was forced to play with it.
♪
Ultimately, my career ended
when I developed the yips.
And in 2001, at the U.S. Open,
my first serve hit a plane,
causing it to go tragically
off course and hit a building.
(explosion)
Everyone blamed the Muslims.
My second serve was no better.
You guys talking sports stories?
You know, I won a bronze medal
in the '84 Olympics.
Are you serious?!
Track and field.
It's a pretty good story.
It's a series of coincidences
that if someone wrote,
no one would believe.
(soft ding)
Oh, my God,
why is there only half a medal?
Hoo! How much time you got?
We got about seven minutes,
and I haven't gone yet.
Rocky.
♪
Like most, my day began
with block letters of my name
floating past the screen.
I grew up on the mean streets
of Philadelphia,
the City of Brotherly Love.
Or, as I called it, America's
Northernmost Hillbillies.
I was an Italian guy
from the South Side
who never had a chance in life.
But I had a dream: to one day
be the heavyweight champ.
Yo, Petey!
Yo, fella!
Yo, Petey!
Yo, Delayheehoo!
(lively harmonizing)
It was a tough time
in Philadelphia.
We were losing
dozens of men every day
to singing
over open trash can fires.
Yo, Petey!
Yo, Flaming Guy!
Aah! Aah!
I was a two-bit knuckle breaker
for the mob.
But it was a flash mob.
- ♪ - You owe us two grand.
Don't make me come back.
♪
You better pay
or we'll funk you up.
I said we will funk you up.
Like most fighters,
I fell in love
with the local autistic girl
who worked at the pet shop.
I was one of her pet shop boys.
Yo, hey, turtles. How you doin'?
How come they're not moving?
You sat on them yesterday.
They're dead.
- What happened to your eye?
- I got beat up again in a fight.
Yo, Lois, the San Gennaro
festival was last weekend.
You know,
I was wondering if, uh,
- maybe you might want
to go to it with me.
- When is it?
- Last weekend.
- Well, then I don't think
that's possible, Peter. No.
I could see she was gonna
play hard to get.
All right, okay, well, uh,
want to maybe go to the park
and feed the pigeons yesterday?
Peter, I already did
yesterday stuff. Sorry.
Well, then how about we
just get coffee this morning
- before you got to be at work?
- It's 4:00 in the afternoon.
I'm afraid
that's not gonna work, either.
Okay, well,
I'll circle back last week
and see what
your schedule looks like.
I was not the smartest guy,
but I wasn't gonna give up.
♪
I lived in the Little Italy
section of Philly.
My apartment was tiny.
(grunting)
I didn't have much stuff,
but, still, it felt cramped.
(clattering)
I really needed a bigger place.
I wanted to work the speed bag,
but my gym was so cheap
it didn't have one.
So I had to do the noises.
Dug-a-duh, dug-a-duh, dug-a-duh,
dug-a-duh, dug-a-duh.
Harder hit!
I fought my way up
through the amateur ranks.
Most fights, my greatest
challenge was entering the ring
without getting completely
tangled in the ropes.
Little help? Is my butt out?
My butt's out, isn't it?
Sorry you got to see that
back there, ma'am.
Yeah, I couldn't wipe.
I had my gloves on already.
Stop taking pictures, please.
My least favorite part of boxing
was the weigh-ins.
- (snickering)
- Hey, Keenan, Damon, Marlon.
Good luck, Peter.
(snickering)
Moo!
Oh, ha, ha.
And I was the only guy
who wouldn't
get naked in the locker room.
I don't got a problem
getting naked,
I-I just don't
have to change right now.
♪
I became known
as an up-and-comer
with a mean left hook,
who farted every time
he got punched in the stomach.
(farting)
By the second round, the
entire front row had pink eye.
(punches landing, farting)
I ran with a towel
around my neck
tucked into my sweat suit,
'cause I always wanted
to look like a rich guy
in a bathrobe.
Then I promised Lois
I'd see the Mark Rothko exhibit
at the Philadelphia
Museum of Art.
But when I got there,
it was closed.
♪
Meanwhile, Lois and I
were getting serious,
so I popped the question.
Hey, listen, Lois,
I was wondering,
if you're not too busy,
what would you think
about spending the previous part
of your life with me?
I'm afraid that's
not possible, Peter.
But I was rising
through the ranks
and fighting
bigger and better opponents.
I fought Butterbean,
then I fought Can't Believe
It's Not Butterbean.
I could barely tell
the difference.
I fought
Sugar Ray Leonard Nimoy,
who put
a Vulcan nerve pinch on me.
The fight was deemed
highly illogical.
I defeated
Lennox Lewis and the News,
Evander Sallyfield
and Roberto Duran Duran.
I was supposed
to fight George Foreman,
but I only got
George ThreeMenAndaBaby.
There's a lot more puns,
but this episode's only got
a few minutes left.
So finally,
I got my shot at the title,
against a world champion...
Marvelous Marvin Mrs. Maisel.
♪
Lois, no one's
ever gone the distance
with Marvelous Marvin
Mrs. Maisel before.
But if I can just
get in that ring yesterday...
-Tomorrow.
-and hear that bell ring,
still standing,
I'll know I'm not just
a bum from the streets.
I believe in you, Peter.
Now go drink your eggs.
MAN: Aah! Our dinnerware hutch!
- Sorry.
- (dish shatters)
Sorry!
Oh, they're mad.
♪
I was outmatched. A no-name punk
fighting the world champion.
I fought my heart out.
I dug deep and had
a kick-ass song on my side,
but we couldn't afford
the song from the movie,
so we used the sound effects
from Nintendo Punch-Out!!
- (video game music playing)
- ANNOUNCER: Body blow.
Body blow. Body blow. Uppercut.
Uppercut. Body blow. Uppercut.
- (cheering)
- (bell clanging)
- (grunting)
- (clang)
♪
(clanging)
(clang)
The swollen eyes
weren't from the fight.
There was a cat in the arena
-and I was highly allergic.
-(meows)
-(bell dings)
But I'd done it.
The only fighter
ever to go the distance
with the champ.
But in that moment,
there was only one thing
I could think about.
Peter, the Rothko exhibit
at the museum is reopened!
Are you busy last week?
She had nailed me.
I was, in fact, free last week.
I was the pride of Philadelphia.
Eventually, I became the champ.
I also changed
my inspirational music
to keep me motivated.
♪ Baby shark,
doo, doo, doo-doo, doo-doo ♪
♪ Baby shark, doo, doo,
doo-doo, doo-doo ♪
♪ Baby shark,
doo, doo, doo-doo, doo-doo ♪
- ♪ Baby shark... ♪ - Yeah!
Tragically, I died in training.
I fell into a vat
of Philadelphia Cream Cheese
and suffocated.
I guess it was
a little taste of heaven.
Let's just say, at my funeral,
there was quite a spread.
CLEVELAND:
Some of this story
ain't holding up for me.
PETER: I was cremated.
JOE:
I don't think
any of this is true.
PETER:
My ashes were spread
over an everything bagel.
Hey, Joe, what about you?
You're a pretty athletic guy.
- You got any sports stories?
- Funny you should ask.
Actually, back in 1988,
I took part in the Crystal Light
Aerobics Competition.
ANNOUNCER:
Representing Valley Health
and Racket in Orlando,
Mona Hartnett, Debbie Harvey
and Maressa MacEachin.
♪
Representing Shofer's
Athletic Club in San Jose,
Diane Terese,
Deborah McGee and Debbie Pardue.
♪
JOE: There I am!
That guy on the left's dead.
Asphalt.
that all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
Coming up tonight: Quahog's own
poet laureate comes to the set
and graces us with her...
Oh, God, that's tonight?
Hey, Jerome, turn on the game.
Sorry, guys, cable's out.
We're only getting
local stations.
Oh, what, so now we got
to talk sports to pass the time?
Or maybe watch Gilmore Girls.
Just as, like, a goof.
You know,
if you want to talk sports,
I've got quite a story to tell.
Oh! Oh! This is the one
where Lorelai's mom makes
her martini with an onion
instead of an olive.
Boy, that's
a passive-aggressive move.
If you knew her mom,
you'd know that's
a passive-aggressive move.
It all started
when I was a young boy...
Last chance
on this Gilmore Girls thing.
I was a baseball prodigy.
It was back home
in the Cuban league.
I grew up working in the tobacco
fields outside of Havana.
That's where I learned
to play baseball.
Our mitts were made of cigars,
some of them still going.
All right! Ha!
All right, I caught it!
At night I drove a cab.
We all had to drive
huge cars there.
I was just a regular young man
wearing pants
that went above my belly button.
Pull your pants up.
When I was nine,
my father took me
to my first baseball game.
Fidel Castro was there
to throw out the first pitch.
He was wearing
the same outfit as always.
Later we would find out
he had a fashion disease
known as
Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.
We would write more jokes
about him,
but our dumb-dumb writers
only know what he looks like.
Strike!
(cheering and applause)
We all worshipped Che Guevara.
Although none of us really knew
what side he was on.
Thank you?
But we knew he'd make
a great poster
in college dorm rooms someday.
ANNOUNCER: Please rise
for the Cuban National Anthem.
( I Love Lucy theme song
playing)
CLEVELAND: In Cuba,
we hated America so much,
we copied everything they did.
And died trying to get there.
(crowd cheering, clamoring)
(music ends)
Castro said there were CIA
all over our island,
but I never saw any.
(cheering, clamoring)
Yeah! Ha-ha! All right!
But from that day on,
I fell in love with baseball.
I dreamed of one day
playing in the big leagues,
so I signed up for a montage
to get better.
(glass breaks)
(Cuban music playing)
I was at the top of my game.
I didn't even need
the full montage.
I was even recruited to play
on Cuba's national team,
the Gooding Juniors.
ANNOUNCER: Tonight,
the Cuba Gooding Juniors
take on the Haiti Joel Osments!
We tried to play,
but it was difficult
because hurricane season
was February through January.
(all shouting)
Every time, a hurricane
would sweep through,
decimating the island,
causing hundreds
of dollars worth of damage.
Aah!
Under Castro, every male
over the age of 18
was required to serve
two years as a band leader.
♪ Babaloo-oo-oo ♪
♪ Babaloo-oo-oo ♪
♪ Jungo ♪
♪ Oo-oo-oo ♪
♪ Babaloo ♪
(vocalizing)
♪ Ta empezando lo velorio ♪
♪ Que le hacemo a babalu. ♪
I loved baseball,
but yearned to play in America.
I would look across the water
and dream about
the great time
they must be having there.
I bet it's not so great.
♪ If you're going my way ♪
♪ I want to drive it
all night long ♪
♪ Oh, gimme, gimme, gimme,
gimme, yeah... ♪
Dang it!
I'm at the wrong country.
I knew what I had to do.
It was nothing against Cuba.
Cuba was nice.
We had a Bay of Hotties,
but also another bay
of less attractive women.
I forget what they called it.
However, tensions between
the U.S. and Cuba were high.
Castro was not happy
that they had named
the most dangerously gay part
of San Francisco after him.
Defecting to the U.S. was
punishable by prison or death.
But I was determined.
Then came my chance.
The Cuba Gooding Juniors had
an away game in Barbados.
Oy, herma we can escape
to the Cayman Islands.
Cayman, my ass.
I'm going to America.
Okay, when we land in America,
we all have to stop
saying "Cooba."
The sea was choppy,
and the sharks were relentless.
- (snores)
- (knock on door)
- Who is it?
- MALE: Uh, not a shark?
- Don't open it!
- MALE: No, it's just people.
- MALE 2: Yeah, people.
- MALE 3: And sharks.
MALE:
Shh! No sharks. Just people.
CLEVELAND: After a week at sea,
we saw the glittering lights
of Miami.
(cheering)
It was beautiful.
Then we decided
to go to Quahog instead,
which took eight more months.
Eventually,
I signed a large deal
with the Toronto Blue Jays.
But because I was
from a warm-weather climate,
it didn't work out.
-I still remember
my first major-league game.
-(cheering)
It was four hours
and 25 minutes long.
I was like, "What the (bleep)?"
Wow, Cleveland. I had no idea
you played baseball.
Too bad you couldn't
hit a home run
with The Cleveland Show.
Well, it certainly
wasn't a whiff.
More of a foul out.
It was a double.
You know,
you're not the only one
who got a taste of sports glory.
I had a pretty good run, myself.
Scrawny little guy like you,
Quagmire?
What did you play?
I was
a competitive tennis player.
Some might say too competitive.
But I was
the breath of fresh air
that the stuffy tennis world
needed.
I was born
into a real tennis family.
On my first birthday,
my mother gave me a little Head.
I wanted to be the first
male cheerleader for tennis.
I cheer on two occasions:
day and night!
- Ooh, tennis!
- (crowd booing)
And when that was weird,
I decided to just play tennis.
But it was understood I'd
grow up to be a tennis player
like my father
and his father before him
and his father before him.
We came from a long line
of tennis dicks.
I had six brothers,
but they'd all
sliced off their hands
opening a tennis ball can,
possibly the most dangerous
object known to mankind.
Hey, guys.
Anyone want to play tennis?
Llewellyn, no!
(screaming)
QUAGMIRE:
But I would do
everything I could
to make
my now-female father happy.
Practices were intense.
PETER:
I feel like you skipped over
a very big story point
right there.
QUAGMIRE:
My father was
a World War II vet,
so he used to make me
reenact the D-Day landing
with tennis ball machines.
(gasps)
(grunting)
But the work paid off.
I got invited
to the first U.S. Open,
which, at the time,
was called the U.S. Now Open.
There, I met the player
who would become my archrival:
Sweden's Hedd Banssen.
He'd bring his personal chef
to every match,
which was very distracting.
Aah! What the hell?
Hergy bergy meatball throwy!
(grunts)
Come on, this can't be legal.
What are you, blind?
Serve ball!
QUAGMIRE:
I was the bad boy of tennis,
and my unconventional style
of play changed the game.
Before I came along,
tennis was so safe,
it was customary
to hit a six-handed backhand.
I pioneered
the one-handed backhand
and, eventually,
the no-handed backhand.
(cheering)
Quagmire, I love your backhand.
That sounds
like a backhanded compliment.
(audience gasps)
I also flouted tennis etiquette
by wearing
the longest, baggiest shorts
the game had ever seen.
People criticized
my style of play
because I argued with umpires
and was taught
to bounce the ball 40 times
before my serve.
(grunts)
JUDGE: Let, first service.
I'd won the U.S. Open,
but I wouldn't settle
for just that.
My goal
was the coveted Grand Slam:
pancakes, eggs, sausage
and bacon at Denny's.
One day, Glenn. One day.
Maybe your birthday.
♪
I made it to Wimbledon
and got to play
in front of the queen...
Freddie Mercury.
I altered my 40-bounce routine
just for him.
(bouncing and clapping
to rhythm of "We Will Rock You")
It was an honor playing
for Freddie on grass that day.
He later died.
The doctor said it was asphalt.
- ♪ - (grunts)
(grunting)
(cheering)
It was the era before AIDS,
but a lot of tennis players
had to deal with the scourge
of Penis Gerulaitis.
Despite my on-court
temper tantrums,
I was on top of the world.
And that's when I saw her:
Tatum O'Seventies.
The hottest actress of the era.
She was fresh off her success
playing an 11-year-old
in a Little League movie,
which, for some reason,
made her the biggest sex symbol
in Hollywood.
- Thought you might need this.
- Thanks. I'm Glenn.
I know. I watched you smash your
racket and scream at a baby.
You know,
if you're free after this,
we could go back to my place
and try to fit some balls
in your can.
I practiced tantrum sex,
something I'd learned from Sting
but probably misheard.
QUAGMIRE:
What?! Are you crazy?
That was in!
We became New York's "It" couple
of the '70s.
We hung out at Studio 55.
There was no one there.
We could hear a lot of noise
coming from next door.
I got to meet the greatest
athletes of my generation.
Glenn, how would you like
to meet Bobby Orr?
- Or who?
- Bobby Orr.
Yeah, Bobby or who?
What's the other choice?
- It's Bobby Orr!
- You told me Bobby's
the first choice!
- What's the alternative?
- All right, forget that.
Do you want to meet Rick Monday?
Well, sure, I could do Monday,
but who is it?
By the 1980s,
things were starting to unravel.
(yells)
Aw, damn it!
My temper on the court
was increasingly an issue.
Out.
Are you serious?!
You cannot be serious!
I had a hard time
telling if people were serious.
I spilled spot remover
on my dog,
and now he's gone.
QUAGMIRE: Are you serious?!
I became famous
for smashing rackets
when things didn't go my way.
Of course, back then,
we didn't have multiple rackets,
so I was forced to play with it.
♪
Ultimately, my career ended
when I developed the yips.
And in 2001, at the U.S. Open,
my first serve hit a plane,
causing it to go tragically
off course and hit a building.
(explosion)
Everyone blamed the Muslims.
My second serve was no better.
You guys talking sports stories?
You know, I won a bronze medal
in the '84 Olympics.
Are you serious?!
Track and field.
It's a pretty good story.
It's a series of coincidences
that if someone wrote,
no one would believe.
(soft ding)
Oh, my God,
why is there only half a medal?
Hoo! How much time you got?
We got about seven minutes,
and I haven't gone yet.
Rocky.
♪
Like most, my day began
with block letters of my name
floating past the screen.
I grew up on the mean streets
of Philadelphia,
the City of Brotherly Love.
Or, as I called it, America's
Northernmost Hillbillies.
I was an Italian guy
from the South Side
who never had a chance in life.
But I had a dream: to one day
be the heavyweight champ.
Yo, Petey!
Yo, fella!
Yo, Petey!
Yo, Delayheehoo!
(lively harmonizing)
It was a tough time
in Philadelphia.
We were losing
dozens of men every day
to singing
over open trash can fires.
Yo, Petey!
Yo, Flaming Guy!
Aah! Aah!
I was a two-bit knuckle breaker
for the mob.
But it was a flash mob.
- ♪ - You owe us two grand.
Don't make me come back.
♪
You better pay
or we'll funk you up.
I said we will funk you up.
Like most fighters,
I fell in love
with the local autistic girl
who worked at the pet shop.
I was one of her pet shop boys.
Yo, hey, turtles. How you doin'?
How come they're not moving?
You sat on them yesterday.
They're dead.
- What happened to your eye?
- I got beat up again in a fight.
Yo, Lois, the San Gennaro
festival was last weekend.
You know,
I was wondering if, uh,
- maybe you might want
to go to it with me.
- When is it?
- Last weekend.
- Well, then I don't think
that's possible, Peter. No.
I could see she was gonna
play hard to get.
All right, okay, well, uh,
want to maybe go to the park
and feed the pigeons yesterday?
Peter, I already did
yesterday stuff. Sorry.
Well, then how about we
just get coffee this morning
- before you got to be at work?
- It's 4:00 in the afternoon.
I'm afraid
that's not gonna work, either.
Okay, well,
I'll circle back last week
and see what
your schedule looks like.
I was not the smartest guy,
but I wasn't gonna give up.
♪
I lived in the Little Italy
section of Philly.
My apartment was tiny.
(grunting)
I didn't have much stuff,
but, still, it felt cramped.
(clattering)
I really needed a bigger place.
I wanted to work the speed bag,
but my gym was so cheap
it didn't have one.
So I had to do the noises.
Dug-a-duh, dug-a-duh, dug-a-duh,
dug-a-duh, dug-a-duh.
Harder hit!
I fought my way up
through the amateur ranks.
Most fights, my greatest
challenge was entering the ring
without getting completely
tangled in the ropes.
Little help? Is my butt out?
My butt's out, isn't it?
Sorry you got to see that
back there, ma'am.
Yeah, I couldn't wipe.
I had my gloves on already.
Stop taking pictures, please.
My least favorite part of boxing
was the weigh-ins.
- (snickering)
- Hey, Keenan, Damon, Marlon.
Good luck, Peter.
(snickering)
Moo!
Oh, ha, ha.
And I was the only guy
who wouldn't
get naked in the locker room.
I don't got a problem
getting naked,
I-I just don't
have to change right now.
♪
I became known
as an up-and-comer
with a mean left hook,
who farted every time
he got punched in the stomach.
(farting)
By the second round, the
entire front row had pink eye.
(punches landing, farting)
I ran with a towel
around my neck
tucked into my sweat suit,
'cause I always wanted
to look like a rich guy
in a bathrobe.
Then I promised Lois
I'd see the Mark Rothko exhibit
at the Philadelphia
Museum of Art.
But when I got there,
it was closed.
♪
Meanwhile, Lois and I
were getting serious,
so I popped the question.
Hey, listen, Lois,
I was wondering,
if you're not too busy,
what would you think
about spending the previous part
of your life with me?
I'm afraid that's
not possible, Peter.
But I was rising
through the ranks
and fighting
bigger and better opponents.
I fought Butterbean,
then I fought Can't Believe
It's Not Butterbean.
I could barely tell
the difference.
I fought
Sugar Ray Leonard Nimoy,
who put
a Vulcan nerve pinch on me.
The fight was deemed
highly illogical.
I defeated
Lennox Lewis and the News,
Evander Sallyfield
and Roberto Duran Duran.
I was supposed
to fight George Foreman,
but I only got
George ThreeMenAndaBaby.
There's a lot more puns,
but this episode's only got
a few minutes left.
So finally,
I got my shot at the title,
against a world champion...
Marvelous Marvin Mrs. Maisel.
♪
Lois, no one's
ever gone the distance
with Marvelous Marvin
Mrs. Maisel before.
But if I can just
get in that ring yesterday...
-Tomorrow.
-and hear that bell ring,
still standing,
I'll know I'm not just
a bum from the streets.
I believe in you, Peter.
Now go drink your eggs.
MAN: Aah! Our dinnerware hutch!
- Sorry.
- (dish shatters)
Sorry!
Oh, they're mad.
♪
I was outmatched. A no-name punk
fighting the world champion.
I fought my heart out.
I dug deep and had
a kick-ass song on my side,
but we couldn't afford
the song from the movie,
so we used the sound effects
from Nintendo Punch-Out!!
- (video game music playing)
- ANNOUNCER: Body blow.
Body blow. Body blow. Uppercut.
Uppercut. Body blow. Uppercut.
- (cheering)
- (bell clanging)
- (grunting)
- (clang)
♪
(clanging)
(clang)
The swollen eyes
weren't from the fight.
There was a cat in the arena
-and I was highly allergic.
-(meows)
-(bell dings)
But I'd done it.
The only fighter
ever to go the distance
with the champ.
But in that moment,
there was only one thing
I could think about.
Peter, the Rothko exhibit
at the museum is reopened!
Are you busy last week?
She had nailed me.
I was, in fact, free last week.
I was the pride of Philadelphia.
Eventually, I became the champ.
I also changed
my inspirational music
to keep me motivated.
♪ Baby shark,
doo, doo, doo-doo, doo-doo ♪
♪ Baby shark, doo, doo,
doo-doo, doo-doo ♪
♪ Baby shark,
doo, doo, doo-doo, doo-doo ♪
- ♪ Baby shark... ♪ - Yeah!
Tragically, I died in training.
I fell into a vat
of Philadelphia Cream Cheese
and suffocated.
I guess it was
a little taste of heaven.
Let's just say, at my funeral,
there was quite a spread.
CLEVELAND:
Some of this story
ain't holding up for me.
PETER: I was cremated.
JOE:
I don't think
any of this is true.
PETER:
My ashes were spread
over an everything bagel.
Hey, Joe, what about you?
You're a pretty athletic guy.
- You got any sports stories?
- Funny you should ask.
Actually, back in 1988,
I took part in the Crystal Light
Aerobics Competition.
ANNOUNCER:
Representing Valley Health
and Racket in Orlando,
Mona Hartnett, Debbie Harvey
and Maressa MacEachin.
♪
Representing Shofer's
Athletic Club in San Jose,
Diane Terese,
Deborah McGee and Debbie Pardue.
♪
JOE: There I am!
That guy on the left's dead.
Asphalt.