Family Guy (1998–…): Season 2, Episode 19 - The Story on Page One - full transcript

(TV) We now return to "Sherry and the Anus".

- Anus, are you still up?
- Yeah, come on in, sis.

Have you ever had to tell a lie
in order to keep a friend?

Well, the other day I told Jane her blouse
was pretty when it was really pee-ew.

(audience laughs)

Anus, I'm serious.

Look, sometimes it's better to tell a little fib
than to hurt someone's feelings.

- You're the best.
- (laughs)

(cheerful music)

Oh, that was good.

Funnier than the one where Anus
got the hamster stuck in his mouth.



It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who positively
can do all the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's a family guy

Ah, the old alma mater. I tell you,
there's something magical about Brown.

Brown's the colour of poo!

Yes. Yes, it is.

Oh, I haven't been on
a college campus in years.

- Everything seems so different.
- Really?

If you laid on your back with your ankles
behind your ears that would ring a bell.



Excuse me. We're here to see the dean.

Nobody sees the dean.
Not nobody, not nohow.

I'm sorry. Can I help you?

Yes, this is Meg Griffin.
She's here to see the dean of admissions

and we'd, uh, like it
if she got into the university.

- Go on. Take it.
- Wait over there.

My days in college were so exciting.

This one time the National Guard
came and shot some of my friends.

You must be the Griffins. Come in.

Oops. Honey, you got a little smudge.

Hey, you got something
on your other cheek too.

- And this is Pembroke Quad.
- Oh, very nice. Very Brideshead Revisited.

Being on this campus
really brings back memories.

(gasps)

Cowards!

What ho? A veritable bevy of co-eds.

Um... the recent campus sporting event was
most disappointing for our side, wasn't it?

Oh, aren't you adorable?
Are you in a fraternity, little boy?

Not yet, but I'm thinking
about joining I Phelta Thi.

Oh.

So, what do you think
of this "music television"?

If I remember correctly,
this is the physics department.

That explains all the gravity.

I say! It's like the spice rack
in my fantasy kitchen!

Hold on, little fella! This is just for big people.

Why don't you come back in about 17 years?

But the shelf life of that Sodium Pentothal
is only two years and...

Blast! This isn't the first time
I've been thwarted by my small stature.

OK, our next lot is number 15
in your programme.

This is a one-of-a-kind item,
a super-mega death ray.

It's got the power to enslave the entire
human race. Do we have an opening bid?

(Stewie) Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

- Anything?
- Ooh! Ooh!

- We'll take any bid.
- (Stewie) Here!

It can enslave the human race.
Come on. It's solid titanium.

(Stewie) You! Here in the back!

- Do I hear $100? $5?
- (Stewie) Oh, come on.

- (Stewie) Yeah! Ooh!
- Free?

- Enslave the human race.
- Behind the fat chick!

- Nope?
- (Stewie) D'oh!

OK.

(Stewie) Ooh! Ooh!

Argh!

I'm tired of being small.

I wish I was big.

Blast!

Well, let's take a look at your transcript.

"Meg." Hm.

That's not very impressive.

It's just three letters. It's hardly a name at all.

I never wanted to call her Meg.

I wanted to call her Twiki. But Lois
said kids now wouldn't get the reference.

You know what I'm talking about?
Bidibidibidi.

I'm not sure you're Brown material.
Don't you have any extracurricular activities?

Well, I'm president of the Luke Perry
fan club, Quahog chapter.

But I've wanted to go to Brown
ever since I was a little girl.

Well, actually, I really wanted
to go to Wellesley

but Mom said I might as well buy hiking
boots and call myself a lesbian right now.

Meg! Eat your salad.

- We're not having dinner.
- Then be quiet.

I have no future! I'm just gonna
wait in my room until I'm dead.

- I'll be in shortly.
- We've gotta do something.

If Meg doesn't get into college,
who knows what future she'll have?

- You ain't getting this meat. This is my meat.
- Shut up. I found this meat.

(bell rings)

(whooping and whistling)

I'm never gonna get into college.

You just need more extracurricular activities.

- You could get a part-time job.
- I had one when I was in high school.

- Oh! Argh!
- Argh!

That'll be $27.50.

Come on. There's gotta be
a hundred clubs at your school.

Uh, well, I do have a friend
on the school newspaper.

Attagirl. And I got your first story right here.

Lois, I challenge you
to a race around the world.

Go!

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

(lisping) We need a picture for the front page.

Hold on. I gotta rinse my retainer.

(deep voice) I'm looking for something
like the spread in last month's Vanity Fair.

(lisping) That was so sweet.
It was wicked, awesome.

Stop the presses! It's Meg!

I'm just joshing. It's all done
on Xerox. What can I do you?

Look, Neil, I need an activity to get
into Brown. The paper is my last hope.

- Can I be a reporter?
- I don't know, Meg.

You never seem to be that interested in
journalism-or journalists, such as myself.

(sighs)

You know, I never realised how smooth
the skin between your acne is.

(gasps)

OK, I'll give you a shot. I've never been
able to get an interview with the mayor.

- You get it and I'll make you a reporter.
- You got it.

(deep voice) Run, little rabbit, run.
But some day our two worlds will be one.

I hope my face clears up by then.

- Excuse me, Mayor?
- How do you know my language?

Listen to me.
My entire future is in your hands.

- Are you Sarah Connor?
- No, I'm Meg Griffin. I need to interview you.

- You're with the press?
- Yes.

Well, you can't interview
a dead man... can you?

- What about my interview?
- Mayor West asked me to give you this.

Uh-oh.

Of course, you realise this means war.

No.

No, that's what they'll be expecting.

Mayor West?

Well, well, Mr Toilet.
I thought you were in the Hamptons.

No. No, no, it's me, Meg Griffin.

I don't talk to the press
under any circumstances.

- What makes you think I'll talk now?
- This.

You just don't give up, do you?

You seize life by the throat and shake it
like a topless bartender mixing a martini.

- You've got your interview.
- (gasps)

- Thanks!
- Hey! Hey! Listen to this.

(echoes) Do I sound like
I'm on old-time radio?

Mm! Oh!

No more treats.
You're gonna spoil your dinner.

Oh, come on!

(grunts)

Oh, damn my small stature.

If I were big, oh, just think where I would be.

Tired of not being able to find
clothes that fit? I know I was.

That's why I started Stewie's Big and
Tall Man Shop. If you're portly or tall,

you'll find a friendly atmosphere brimming
with personalised and expert service.

- Hey, Stewie, how's the weather up there?
- Very fair... like our prices.

Hey, dude. You want some of these?

I say, here's the solution to my troubles.

If I could build a device to harness
the size of that leviathan,

there's no limit to what I could...
Oh, my God, there's an orgy in my mouth.

"Got milk?" That's a funny one too.

Oh, and, uh "I got ya, diagonally".

"Pretty sneaky, sis." That one's also funny.

Mayor West, you've been talking for an hour
and I don't have anything I can use.

- Can't you just please...
- My God! Somebody's stealing my water.

It just went down the drain.

They're crafty, I tell you.
It happens when you least expect it.

Show yourself, damn you!
I've been investigating him for months.

It's cost $150,000 of the taxpayers' money

but I'll find the culprits
if it costs me a million.

You spent public money investigating this?

Thanks. You know, I think I have my story.

Your story? Wait a minute!

You can't print that!
It'll compromise my entire investigation!

Well, thank God she's just
a figment of my imagination.

(snores)

(beeps)

Well, let's take the old boy
out for a spin. Eyes open!

Voice test: I'm Chris.

- I'm Chris.
- Eviscerate the proletariat.

Eviscerate the proletariat!

(sings "Puttin' on the Ritz")

Puttin' on the Ritz!

- Not my bit, but still funny. System off.
- (beeps)

- (snores)
- Splendid.

- I did it! I got a great story.
- So, what did your editor say?

He was gone for the day
so I left it on his desk.

But here, I brought you a copy.

Oh, my God. "Corruption
in City Hall." This is amazing.

Hey, let me see that.

This'll never get Meg
on the paper. This is old news.

There have been political scandals
since Thomas Jefferson.

Oh, hold on. Honey,
let's get all the kids in this.

I know kids, and this story's
gonna put 'em to sleep.

Meg needs something that'll pull those kids
away from their Rock 'Em Sock 'Em robots

and their Spirographs and
their Moby Grape and their 90210.

Luke Perry. That's it! Brian, I got my story.

Now, to get this story on the school editor's
desk is gonna take a portion of my cunning.

No! No.

All my cunning.

Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh!

Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh!

Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh!

Duh-duh-duh duh-luuh-luh-luuh-luh-luh!

Duh!

Duh-duh!

Duh-duh!

Duh-duh! Dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah!

Duh-duh!

Duh-duh!

Duh-duh-duh
duh-luuh luh-luuh luh-luuh-luh!

Dah!

Duh-duh duh-duh-duh-daah!

- Great story, Meg.
- Oh, thanks!

Way to go, Meg!

(whooping and cheering)

Congratulations, Meg. This is the most
sensational story we've ever had.

Argh!

- (woman) Luke! Time for dinner!
- In a minute, babe.

I'm just reading every high-school newspaper
in America to see if I'm mentioned.

Oh, my God!

Meg Griffin, you are so sued.

Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duuh!

Duddle-duddle-duddle-duddle-duddle-duh!

- Luke Perry is suing us?
- Dad, how could you do this to me?

- I love Luke Perry.
- Meg, you're wasting your time.

- Don't you read the papers? He's gay.
- You can't just print lies.

- He has a wife and son.
- So what?

A lot of these famous types lead secret lives
we don't know about. Like Ricky Martin.

(girls) Ricky, we love you! We love you!

- One minute to curtain, Jewel.
- (audience) Jewel! Jewel!

I just wanted you to have something
to put on your transcript.

Thanks to you I can put that I'm a big liar
who makes up stories about people.

It worked for Walter Cronkite... You know
that Vietnam thing? Never happened.

Don't mention it at the veterans' hospital.
Those guys are committed to the lie.

(sobs)

Aw, don't cry, sweetheart.
I'll make it up to you.

Remember the pony you wanted
when you were six?

Well, I bought him and I've been saving him
for a time like this. Surprise!

(gasps)

Oh. Oh, God. That's right. Ponies...

Ponies like food, don't they? Oh, boy.

Poor Meg. I know it sounds crazy but I can't
help feeling like this is somehow my fault.

No, it's Luke Perry's fault.
If he were gay Meg would be all set.

Brian, that's it! If I could get a picture
of Luke Perry doing something gaylike

it'll make people believe Meg's story is true!

- Yeeh!
- How the hell are you gonna do that?

Hey, I've gotten people
to believe crazier things.

"And if you are pure of heart and deed you'll
all go to a beautiful place called Heaven."

- I'm yanking you. You just rot in the ground.
- (all gasp)

All right, now walk up to the counter.

(beeping)

That's it. Ring the bell.

- Well, hi there.
- Good day, shopkeep.

Good day, shopkeep.

I require a hand-operated buzz saw capable
of cutting through a human sternum.

- What?
- It's for a school project.

I'm some sort of student sent here for...

Oh, blast! What the devil
do they study? Uh... Latin class.

Uh, sorry, kid. I can't
sell power tools to minors.

Look here, you gourd-bellied codpiece. Allow
me to purchase the provisions I demand

or I shall transform your blue collar
into a red one and...

Who the deuce are you?
No, I don't have any spare change.

Where the hell would I keep it?
In my diaper? Get outta here, you hobo!

Oh, bloody hell. Is this thing still on?

All right, now, we gotta be very crafty
so Luke Perry doesn't recognise us.

Argh!

How is he gonna recognise us?
He doesn't know who we are.

Oh. Huh. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, you're right.

(laughs)

Oh!

- Sir, you look familiar.
- Yeah, I'm that guy you wish you were.

OK, as soon as I seduce him
get ready to snap the picture.

You're really gonna try
and seduce Luke Perry?

Listen, Brian, I'd take a bullet for Meg
so I'm sure I can take a... Here he is.

- Thirsty?
- No.

Gee, the sun seems really strong,
even for my already-bronzed skin.

Oh, my muscles are all...
Look, they're all shiny with oil.

But how am I ever gonna spread it
on my rippling back and thighs?

Ah, this is gonna take drastic measures.
All right, get the camera ready. Oh, Luke!

- (retches)
- Mission accomplished, Peter.

- We have a picture of Luke Perry vomiting.
- That's no good.

Gays don't vomit.
They're a very clean people.

They have been ever since
they first came here from France.

(beeping)

- Hi, honey. How was school?
- Just great.

I can't even say my name without
people asking me if I made it up.

- How could Dad do this to me?
- Aw, honey, he wasn't doing it to you.

He was doing it for you. He knows
how much you want to go to Brown.

There's no way I'm gonna
get in now. I'm a felon.

Now, that's not true. Libel's not a felony.

It's a civil matter. Don't worry.
Your father will straighten everything out.

Come on. Let's go get our nails done.
Chris, take care of Stewie.

- Five Seasons hotel.
- Hey there. You mind if I share a ride?

- Uh, I don't think so, pal.
- Oh, my God, I know you!

You're Luke Perry!
You were great in Rain Man.

That scene where you wanted to get on
the plane and that dumb guy was screaming.

- Uh, that was Tom Cruise.
- Not in this movie theatre it wasn't.

Every time I see that lame-o actor
I put your head on his body.

Thanks. It's nice to meet someone
who appreciates my work.

Come to my house so I can take
a picture of you in a gay pose.

Huh?

- Dinner?
- Sure.

Dark Side of the Moon
synchs up with The Wizard of Oz.

Really? Shannen Doherty told me that
but I thought she was just being a bitch.

Listen, I gotta get going.

Oh, God! I'm sorry. You know
what's good for getting wine out?

- Sex with another man.
- Whoa! Look, if you're gay, that's cool.

But I am not. And even if I was...
Come on, I'm Luke Perry.

I can get a much better gay guy than you.

Oh, my God! Luke Perry!

See, Meg? I told you your father
would explain about the article.

Meg? Meg Griffin?

- Uh, Peter, I think it's time for plan B.
- Way ahead of you, Brian.

Don't worry, I packed my own backup chute.

Aw, crap.

I should've figured
you were up to something.

This is all my fault. I was just trying to help
my daughter get onto the school newspaper.

You know what it's like to be a teenager.

- You've been playing one for 30 years.
- Won't you drop the lawsuit, please, Dylan?

Ah, what the hell. But, hey,
you gotta print the real story.

And this time I wanna talk to the real reporter.

- Let's go, Meg.
- See, Meg?

Things work out if you do whatever you want
without worrying about the consequences.

Thanks, Daddy. Come on, Luke.
I got my computer in my room.

Meg, keep your door open.

I wanted to give you a copy
of my daughter's article.

- Listen, thanks for the...
- Uh, Peter, I'm kind of busy.

Oh! Uh, yeah. That's OK. Well, uh, thank...

So, where were we?

If I do this, do you promise
to stop stealing my water?

Uh, yeah. Whatever.