Family Guy (1998–…): Season 2, Episode 20 - Wasted Talent - full transcript

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who positively
can do all the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's a family guy

Hey, guys. Guys, check it out.
Quagmire's tryin' to get lucky.

Hey, gorgeous.
You wanna come home with me?

- I'm with my husband.
- Lose the zero, get with the hero.



A little violent for you, don't you think?

Huh! I'll be right over there.

We interrupt for breaking news.
After years of isolation,

the mysterious and
eccentric brewmeister, Pawtucket Pat,

has said that he's opening his
never-before-seen brewery to a lucky few.

Pawtucket Pat has placed
four silver scrolls in four random beers.

Each lucky scroll winner and a guest of their
choice will take a magical tour of the brewery,

and walk away with
a lifetime's supply of beer.

What? Don't complain.
This is actually makin' you look attractive.

Oh, man, did you guys hear that?

Imagine seein' the inside
of the Pawtucket Patriot brewery!

- Forget it, Peter. You don't have a chance.
- Yeah. You never win anything.

Remember when you went on Password?

This one is for Peter Griffin
and Tony Randall.



The password is...

You...

Actor.

You...

Tony?

You...

(piano being played badly)

Very good, Jonas. Oh, my! Look at the time.

Mrs Griffin, I practised just like you said.

- Oh, far be it from me to call you a liar.
- Huh?

Nothing, nothing. See you next week.

- Mom, how come all your students suck?
- I don't know, honey.

All I want is one pupil who's
good enough to win the piano competition.

I'm sick of comin' in second
to that awful Alexis Radcliffe.

Every year she wins and rubs it in my face.

Don't worry, sweetheart.
There's always next year.

Congratulations on second place, Lois.

(knock at door)

Oh, Lois, thank God it's you. The last
three houses I went to were very rude.

- Have you been drinkin'?
- Why, yes, I have. Thank you.

I gotta find a silver scroll.
Everyone's lookin'.

All right, listen to me,
you long-necked bastard.

You give me the scroll, and I make you head
of sanitation services for the entire city.

It's a do-nothing job, sweetcake.

Two more dead from alcohol poisoning. Hm.

Lookin' for that scroll, huh?
Wouldn't mind findin' that thing myself.

(groans)

Ah, jeez.

Oh, man. I hope I don't get pulled over.

OK, be cool. Maintain.

(sighs deeply)

C'mon, Death. You can do this.

Why do you care so much
about touring a stupid brewery?

Everyone has their sanctuary.
The Catholics have churches,

fat people have Wisconsin,
and I have the Pawtucket Brewery.

Now help me drink these beers.

- Peter, I'm not drinkin' this.
- OK, OK. All right, all right.

Lois, uh, I'm gonna go to the store now, OK?

Here I go. Duh-duh-nuh-duh-duh-duh-nuh...

Stop it! What if the kids
were to see you drinkin' like this?

Especially Stewie. He's so impressionable.

Oh, my God! Please tell me we didn't do it.

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Huh. Nothin'.

- Peter, it's seven in the mornin'.
- Thanks for the update, Big Ben.

- You're drunk again!
- No, exhausted. I've been drinkin' all night.

Peter, if you keep this up,
somethin' terrible's gonna happen.

Yeah, somethin' terrible...
all the way to the bank!

- Nice.
- Oh, I don't have time for this.

I'm late for my checkup.

Wheeee! Whoo-hoo!

Yeah! All right!

- What's goin' on?
- It seems Joe has found the first scroll.

He's tastin' victory. I bet it tastes good.

Like saltwater taffy or a Chunky.

Oh, no! If there's four tickets
and one of 'em's gone, that... that leaves...

this many!

Good morning, Mrs Griffin.
Hello! Hello! Hello!

(softly) Hello! Ha, ha! Just kidding.

- So, uh, any problems?
- No, everything's fine, Doctor.

- Lois?
- Oh. Hello, Alexis.

Heard you might not enter
the competition this year. Smart move.

Yes, well, there are more important things
in life than a piano competition.

Oh, yes. Especially for those who
have no-oh, that's cold! - Chance.

(painfully) For your information,
I have a student that could whip you.

Well, I guess I'll see you there.
Fred, this is not a date!

- All right, you're all done, Alexis.
- What do you know?

Once again, I finish first.

Don't let her get to you. She asked for
"Pine Forest". I gave her "New Car".

Did you hear? It's over!
Somebody found the last scroll!

- Oh, my God! No!
- It's true. The final scroll has been recovered.

The recipient declines
to be interviewed for safety reasons,

but I'm sure you're all with me when
I say "Congratulations, you son of a bitch."

Oh, what am I gonna do now?

- Hello, dumb-dumb.
- Not now, Gazoo. I wanna be alone.

It's not always about you, fatso.

Maybe I wanted to talk.

I guess wantin' it more than anyone
just wasn't enough.

Hey, you guys! It's a fake!
There's still a scroll out there!

That's right. I made it up. I figured if
people thought the last scroll was found,

everyone would stop looking,
giving me the edge to find it myself.

But what I did was wrong.
And as an act of contrition,

I will now insert this
carnivorous earwig into my brain.

Huh. Kinda tickles.

Aaah!

Oh God! It's eating out
the back of my eyes! Aah!

In other news, chocolate may be better for you
than once thought. In a recent 12-day study...

Ah, my last beer. Here goes.

(sighs)

I bet that scroll makes the beer taste terrible.

Oh, God.

(retches)

What the hell...?

I've found it! I've found the last scroll!

- He found it!
- Oh, my God!

Run home, Peter! Run as fast as you can!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Oh, man, this is the happiest day of my life.

Now I know how Barbra Streisand felt
the day she married James Brolin.

- I love you.
- I love you too.

Oh! I'm so glad I married
a regular person and not a celebrity.

Professional ninja Jerry Nelson,
how did you find your silver scroll?

I was at home nursing this throwing-star
wound, my wife Janey gives me a beer,

and bam, there it was.

Honey, I'm sorry. You know
you can't sneak up on me.

(PA) Ladies and gentlemen,
in his first public appearance ever,

- (drum roll)
- Pawtucket Pat!

(fanfare)

That's for my brother Luis! He drank
himself to death on your crappy beer!

Gotcha!

A big hand for Cheech Marin, everybody.

Let the tour begin.

- Hey, look!
- Oh, those are the Chumbawambas.

- They live here with me.
- Hey, Pat. Where's the wheelchair ramp?

Oh, we don't have one.
I guess this is where you get off.

(plays tune)

Chumbawamba, gobbledy-goo

Life isn't fair, it's sad but it's true

Chumbawamba, gobbledy-gee

When your poor legs are stiff as a tree

What do you do
when you're stuck in a chair

Finding it hard to go up and down stairs?

What do you think of the one you call God

Isn't his absence slightly odd?

Maybe he's forgotten you

Chumbawamba, gobbledy-gorse

Count yourself lucky you're not a horse

They would turn you into dog food

Or to Chumbawamba gobbledy-glue!

I'm glad I'm not takin' your stupid tour!
I'm a Coors man anyway! Silver Bullet!

Gobbledy-glue!

(plays scale)

Very good, Jimmy.

- Trying to watch the History Channel.
- Try it again.

- (plays scale)
- Uh. Not talking to myself.

You're good enough
to tackle a Beethoven sonata!

Let me grab the sheet music. Keep playing!

(punching sounds)

I got the mu... Oh, my God!

- Jimmy, what happened?
- (Stewie) Yes, Jimmy. What happened?

I... I fell.

It's all behind this door.

Lady and gentlemen, the beer room!

Take a drink and you'll sink

To a state of pure inebriation

You'll be tanked

Like the whole Irish nation

(all) Yeah!

When you drink enough of my beer

You will find this magic rule

Make your every joke a jewel

You'll drive drunker than Oksana Baiul

Go on, buds, drink my suds

Till you've reached that pure inebriation

Though the beer may be free

You're just renting it from me

Ah. It's like I died and went to heaven.

But then they realised it wasn't my time,
and so they sent me back to a brewery.

We're still working some of the bugs
out of our latest invention, Permasuds.

Beer that never goes flat. No matter
how old it gets, it stays carbonated.

(all) Ooh! Aah!

- Brian, wait.
- Maybe we should stick with the group.

Beer that never goes flat!
Do you know what that means, Brian?

This beer will still be carbonated
long after you die of old age

and we buy another dog
to help the kids, you know, forget about you.

- Peter, I wouldn't...
- Wow! That's incredible.

Ah, what the hell. Cheers!
I don't know why he said it wasn't ready.

- It tastes pretty good to me... Whoa!
- Oh, my God! What the hell's happening?

Must be the beer. Hey! Hey, check this out.

And look at this!

Oh, yeah? Watch this!

- Oh, my God!
- Relax, Brian, it's just a trick.

- See, look, my thumb is fine.
- I'm talking about that!

Holy crap! There's nothing to grab onto!

- Oh, this is it, pal. We're goners.
- Peter, I've really cherished our friendship.

Me too, buddy. That's why I was holdin'
this in, but, if we're gonna die anyway...

(farts)

Peter, that's it!

(farts)

- Hey! Hey, pull my finger.
- My pleasure.

Hey, Peter, this next one
you can blame on the dog.

Ah! Silent but life-saving.

What the hell is this?
Didn't you see that sign?

You've sullied my factory
and disobeyed my rules.

- I want you to leave immediately!
- Oh, come on!

- Don't I at least get a Chumbawamba song?
- Oh, fine.

Chumbawamba, gobble...

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Come on, Meg. The competition is this
Sunday, and you're not even close to ready.

- Maybe if you loosened my chains?
- We tried that, remember, honey?

- You can't be trusted.
- Lois, take a letter.

"Dear Pawtucket Pat, I hate you!
You are a bad man!"

"And you made me cry. Furthermore..."

Not now, Peter.
Meg and I are havin' a little girl time,

- Help me!
- Go on. No boys allowed.

Jeez, Lois. Still with the piano? What's a guy
gotta do to get a little attention around here?

(plays slowly)

(starts playing beautifully)

Peter, that's incredible!
I don't understand how...

You're like the idiot from Shine!

Meg, you're free. Try the clarinet.

Keep playin'. Keep playin'!

(piano)

(music slows down)

No, no, no. Play it like you did last night.

- I... I can't!
- Peter, talent doesn't disappear just like that.

Well, sometimes it does. I mean,
you were pretty bad in bed Saturday night.

Come on, Lois, move or somethin'!
Jeez, it's like doin' it with a pillow.

- Peter, I stayed at my mother's that night.
- Oh.

Oh, jeez, this hangover's killin' me. I haven't
felt this crappy since I went to that museum.

Why did all the dinosaurs die out?

Because you touch yourself at night.

Here, this'll make you feel better.

(plays perfectly)

Huh. I think we've found his muse.

Oh, my God. You can only
play the piano when you're drunk!

That's not true. I can also vomit, fall down

and make dirty calls
to your sister when I'm drunk.

Get a case of beer.
We've got a lot of practising to do.

- Practisin'? What for?
- The competition.

- You're gonna be my first champion.
- Oh, play that sad walking-away song

- From The Incredible Hulk.
- (plays)

Hey! Everyone! Look at me!
Look, look! Look at me.

(plays "The X-Files" theme)

Hey, thanks! You think
that was great? Watch this!

Uh-oh! Lois! I'm losin' my buzz!

- I need more talent juice.
- Another beer already?

Oh, well, I guess I don't have
to be prepared for the competition...

(sighs) I need another pitcher over here.

Wow. Lois must've written
the book on man-pleasin'.

Too bad Loretta doesn't allow
white literature in our household.

Well, how much harm
can one more pitcher do?

- This is all for the sake of art, right?
- Don't start with me, Brian.

This may not be my proudest moment,
but damn it, I wanna win.

You're not the first person
to do whatever it takes to win.

You come to me and ask me
to kill a man I do not know.

Now I ask you, why should
I kill this... Count Chocula?

That son of a bitch has been spreading lies.

My cereal does not
cut the roof of your mouth!

With all respect.

I can't believe I'm missing
Ronnie's party for this.

That Ronnie's a bad influence.

Yeah. That little bastard
sold me some bad crack.

Stay out of it, Herb.
You're not even his real father.

Yes, we're checking in.
The student's name is Peter Griffin.

- Oh, yes. He's on in an hour.
- Where's the nearest liquor store?

They're all closed on Sundays.
This is a dry county.

I can't do it without booze.

Maybe this is a sign that we need to stop this.

I've been keeping you ripped out of
your head for my own selfish needs.

I'm ashamed. Let's just go home.

No, no, Lois, we can't stop now
after all we've put into this.

Yo, Fresh? How do I get to Ronnie's party?

Oh, Peter, we're not goin'
to a high-school party.

- Lois.
- Alexis.

- Loser says "what".
- What?

Oh! I'll drive.

(rock)

Consume.

- I love you so much.
- This sucks.

Well, you know, when I was your age,
we had way better drinkin' games.

- Ow.
- Ha, ha! You drink.

(siren)

- It's the cops!
- Run!

Hold it, you two. Aren't you
a little old to be drinking illegally?

Uh... uh... Lois, look over there!

Run!

I wanna make you feel beautiful, Lois.

Oh, Peter, stop. Try to stay focused.

(applause)

OK. You're on. Wait!

Here's a little something for good luck.

Make your trills clean and watch
the legato in the fourth measure. Go!

Ha, ha, ha, ha! Ha!

(belches)

(plays theme from
"The Mary Tyler Moore Show" off-key)

(plays in correct key)

We did it, Brian!

- Congratulations, Lois.
- For what?

Winnin' a trophy at the expense
of my husband's health?

Oh, God knows how many
of his brain cells I killed,

pourin' all that alcohol down his throat.

Lois, you don't get it.
The lesson here is that abusing alcohol

has absolutely no negative consequences.

You have the trophy
and my brain cells are just fine.

Hello? Where... where is everybody?

I'm... I'm the only brain cell left!

Well, at least I have my books.

No! No, that... that's not fair.

That's not fair! There was time now!

(sobs)

That's not fair!

(theme from "The Incredible Hulk")