Family Guy (1998–…): Season 2, Episode 18 - E. Peterbus Unum - full transcript

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those good
old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who positively
can do all the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's a family guy

OK, OK. Here's another riddle.
A woman has two children.

A homicidal maniac
tells her she can only keep one.

Which one does she let him kill?



That's... that's not a riddle,
that's... that's just terrible.

- Wrong! The ugly one!
- Hey, Peter.

Check out my new trampoline.

Whee! Yeah! Whoa, momma!
Whoo! Whoo! Yeah!

Jeez, Cleveland, that must have set you back.

What'd you do, sell your body to science?
You know, I've thought of doin' that.

All right, uh, Jenny, would you come up here
and show us where the femur is?

Aaah!

(laughs) Get out of here, you little bastard.

I knew this was the right thing to do.

No, I just got a big tax refund.

Uncle Sam sent me $500.

- I got 600 bucks.
- I got 850.

I got a rock.



I spent my refund on a digital TV
with surround sound.

It's got headphones, so I can watch Steven
Seagal movies without waking Bonnie.

Yes! Lock and load!
Lock and load! Bring on the pain!

I spent my refund on a plug-in playmate.

So, a schoolteacher?
That must be interesting.

Well, I'm gettin' somethin' special too.

And by special, I don't mean special
like that Kleinerman boy down the street.

More special like... like Special K, the cereal.

What did they do with the regular K?

For that matter,
what happened to Kaye Ballard?

If you said "mallard" and you had
a cold, it would sound like "Ballard".

- Do you listen when you talk?
- I drift in and out.

You know, Rupert, the word "gullible"
is not in the dictionary.

Oh, oh, you don't believe me?
Here! Look it up!

What? What's that? It really isn't?
Oh, Rupert, touch?!

Hoisted by my own petard!

(laughs)

Ah, I am so alone.

Everybody, my tax refund is here. I'm gonna
buy us somethin' we've always wanted.

- A cat?
- A stereo?

- A pool?
- Oh, oh, I'm sorry. It is a pool.

- Oh, joy unbounded!
- I'll feed it and take care of it!

Oh, my God! It's better than I thought.

An Audi! I'm gettin' a car!

Uh, Peter, there's a "T" in there.
That says "audit".

No, Brian, it's a foreign car. The "T" is silent.

- Sweet! I'm gettin' an Audi!
- I have an "inny".

- Uh, Miss Stratford?
- Come in, Mr Griffin. Don't be nervous.

The IRS is much kinder and gentler
than we used to be.

- You smell nice.
- What? Oh, that... that must be you.

- No, it couldn't be me. I just farted.
- Oh.

I just have a few questions about your return.

Did you incur
any medical expenses this year?

You can write off medical stuff? If I'd known,
I wouldn't have used a discount surgeon.

Uh, I'm not sure which one to cut here.
The red one... or the blue one...

OK, OK, just relax. Let's see, uh...

First, why don't you attach
that green one to that purple one?

- OK. Here goes.
- (long bleep)

- Oh, God!
- That kill me?

- Uh-huh.
- I was afraid of that. Try the green and blue.

Well, Mr Griffin,
you don't owe any additional money,

but unfortunately,
you're not entitled to a refund.

- Aah!
- Mr Griffin, are you OK?

I'm sorry. I still haven't
gotten over the loss of Party of Five.

It'll take time to get over it.
What were you sayin'?

- You're not entitled to a refund.
- Aah!

- I'm sorry. Come again?
- You're not entitled to a refund.

- Aah!
- (sighs) Was that for Party of Five too?

No, that was for my refund.
What the hell's Party of Five?

By God, I may not be able to give
my family a vibrating sex doll,

- But at least I can give 'em a pool.
- Um... I say.

If you find a human skeleton with a Lincoln
Log jammed in the temple, I didn't do it.

But I need that log for my
recreation of James Madison's cabin.

OK, kids, I don't want anyone swimmin' in
this pool unless there's a lifeguard on duty.

Ha, ha, ha! "Duty".

Ha, ha, ha! "Diarrhoea"!

- Hey, Lois!
- What?

Diarrhoea!

Peter! I'm holdin' iced tea!

Oh. Oh. You know, honey,
you don't have to do this.

Maybe a pool is another one
of those things a family doesn't really need.

Look, everybody. I got us another dog.

- What the...?
- Hi. You guys have any Cheese Doodles?

See, that's what I do.
I ask for a snack and I blow the horn.

- Huh, look at this. Some kind of plastic root.
- There's no such thing as a plastic root.

You bastards come into our village
and kill our fish, pollute our water.

I'm gonna send you back
to hell where you belong.

Noooo!

- (whirs)
- (whirring stops)

- Goodbye.
- Ah, damn it.

Aw.

I've fixed the power line, but the town's
zoning laws prohibit building a pool there.

- What? It's my yard.
- Sorry, Your house is too close to the kerb.

Oh, yeah? Well, your eyes
are too close to your nose.

That may be. But you know what?

I only have to wear one goggle
when I go swimming in my pool!

- Hey, wait, wait, wait! Come back here!
- What?

I have to draw you.

You're why cavemen painted on walls.

Damn government, telling me
I can't build a pool on my own land.

After my grandfather helped create one of
our most beloved cartoon characters.

OK. We've narrowed it down to two possible
names. All in favour of "Bugs Bunny"?

And all in favour of
"Ephraim, the Retarded Rabbit"?

Oh, you can all go to hell!

- Hey, where's the mayor's office?
- Last door on the left.

- Come on! Come on!
- Hello, is this the...

Oh. Sorry. I thought
you were the district attorney.

No, I'm Peter Griffin.
Oh, you're here about your pool.

Step into my office.

I'm here to serve the fine citizens of Quahog.
It'll be my pleasure to give you a permit.

- Well, it's about time.
- Well, this is odd.

- What?
- I've never encountered anything like this,

but your property doesn't seem
to be on the map.

It's not part of Quahog.

What the hell are you talkin' about?
I've lived there for 12 years.

Sorry, but according to this map,
you're not even part of these United States.

Which would make you... a communist!

- Ah!
- Yeah!

- Ow!
- Damn! Usually my malcontents are skinnier.

Would you come back in a week, when my
fat malcontent trap door will be completed?

I'm not comin' back in a week, or ever!

I've had it with you
and this damn government.

Fine.

I love this job more than I love taffy.

And I'm a man who enjoys his taffy.

Mmm.

Ooh. Mmm.

Oh. Hm.

Hm. Mmm-mm.

Mm. Oh, oh.

Mmm.

What's going on?
Did the city give you the permit?

No, no. We're not part of this city.
We're not even part of this country.

- And that makes us our own country.
- What are you talking about?

Thanks to a technicality,
we have the right to secede from the US.

From this day forth, this territory
will be known as "Petoria"!

I was going to call it "Peterland",
but that gay bar by the airport took it.

Our lead story tonight: Petoria.

A new foreign country which was founded
this week, here in our own back yard.

And in a Quahog News 5 Exclusive,
we sent our own little foreigner,

Asian correspondent
Tricia Takanawa, to Petoria,

where first lady Lois Griffin has graciously
agreed to give a tour of her country. Tricia.

Thank you, Diane. So, Mrs Griffin, what's
it like being the woman behind the man?

Ah, you know, when Peter first said we were
our own country, I was a bit sceptical.

Then I thought "Hey! I could be like Hillary
Clinton!" Only, you know, without the penis.

Tell us a little bit about your country.

Well, we're a clean
and industrious people, mostly white.

My son Chris is in charge
of our space programme.

We hope to get to the moon very shortly.

Almost!

Ow! They should really use monkeys for this.

And little Stewie here is
our President of Poopy.

Oh, ha, ha, ha.

So where is the president now?

Oh, he's out on
a goodwill mission to America.

Here you go, Mr President.
Mr President!

Oh, Peter. That tickles me in a way
that if Loretta tickled me in that way,

I'd say "Oh, yeah! That's nice.
That's the spot."

What are you talkin' about? I'm a born leader.
Like my great-great-uncle Ulysses S Griffin.

(all chant) Chug-a-lug! Chug-a-lug!
Chug-a-lug! Chug-a-lug!

- Yeah! Whoo!
- How's that, Robert E Lee?

All right. No more slaves.
But we still don't have to read books.

- Deal.
- Yeah!

Barkeep! Petro-nemo-slappy-wag.

That's Petorian for
"More beer, you slappy-wag."

You still owe me for the other rounds,
which comes to 50 bucks.

I'm a foreign diplomat. I don't pay for drinks.

You think G Gordon Liddy paid for his drinks

while he was stranglin' people with
piano wire for the good of our nation?

Peter, you can't drink that outside.
You're gonna end up in jail.

Not a good jail, like on Cinemax.
The man-jail.

Go back and pay the bill, Peter.
You, uh, don't wanna break the law.

I can do whatever I want. Watch this.

Oh, now you're just bein' crazy.

Hey, that's against the law.
You're comin' with me.

Uh-uh-uh! Can't touch me.

(tune of "U Can't Touch This"
by MC Hammer)

Can't touch me

Ju-ju-ju-ju-just like the bad guy
from Lethal Weapon 2

I've got diplomatic immunity,
so Hammer, you can't sue

I can write graffiti, even jaywalk in the street

I can riot, loot, not give a hoot,
and touch your sister's teat

Can't touch me

- Can't touch me
- What in God's name is he doing?

- Can't touch me
- I believe that's the "Worm".

Stop! Peter time!
I'm a big shot, there's no doubt

Light a fire and pee it out

Don't like it? Kiss my rump

Just for a minute let's all do the bump

Can't touch me

Yeah, do the Peter Griffin bump

Can't touch me

I'm Presidential Peter, interns think I'm hot

Don't care if you're handicapped,
I'll still park in your spot

I've been around the world,
from Hartford to Bombay

It's Peter, go Peter, up Peter, yo, Peter,
let's see Regis rap this way, can't touch me

Except for you. You can touch me.

Attention, delegates. This session
of the United Nations is hereby convened.

Man, this sucks. Hey, Podium Guy!
Hey, I got a problem here.

- Excuse me. Some of us are here to learn.
- No one's talkin' to you, Albania.

- Is there a problem back there?
- You bet your funny accent there is!

I'm stuck up here in the nosebleeds.
I'm president of Petoria. I want a better seat.

Oh, of course. How could we not have
recognised the great nation of Petoria?

- Have a seat up front.
- Well, that's more like it.

And hey! Would you also
like a special satellite

to scratch your ass
with a laser beam from space?

They have those?

Hi. How you doin'? You mind if I, uh...

- They don't respect you.
- What do you mean?

I used to be the laughing stock around here
until my country invaded Kuwait.

Now I have a seat in the third row.

The only way to get
any respect around here

is to find something you want and just take it.

Wait. If everybody respects you,
how come you're eatin' by yourself?

- I don't shower.
- Oh, that's what that is.

Take what I want, huh?

- Good morning, Joe.
- Peter, what are you doin' in my pool?

Oh, this is the newest province of Petoria.
I call it "Johio".

What? You can't just come over here
and annexe my pool.

Oh, yeah? Well, according to paragraph
seven, sentence three, word eight

of the Geneva Convention, "the".

So tough luck, Swanson.

- As you can see, Petoria has invaded US soil.
- What are our options?

A military strike against such a small
nation could cause an international backlash.

- But this kind of behaviour can't be tolerated.
- Agreed.

- I suggest we start with political sanctions.
- Good, gentlemen.

Well, I guess the world'll show me
a little more respect now.

Dad, I tried to got to school
but this guy won't let me.

- Oh, yeah? Him and what army?
- The US Army.

Oh, that's a good army.

The scene outside the US-Petorian border

as the sun rises on day one
of Operation Desert Clam.

Good morning. I'm Diane Simmons.
We now go to Tom Tucker,

live at the site of the US blockade. Tom?

Diane, I'm here at the Petorian front,
where the US has cut off electricity,

water and gas
to the tiny four-bedroom republic.

The situation is very tense
and extremely dangerous.

- It's only a matter of time...
- (popping)

Oh, my God, they've opened fire. It looks
like things are getting very heated here.

This is not a safe place to be.

(noise like shells falling)

And now sports.

- (Peter) Lois?
- Over here. I'm chopping carrots for a salad.

- Here. Use this head lamp.
- Hey, where's the kids?

Upstairs, doin' their homework
by candlelight.

Damn pig-dog Americans,
messin' with my family like this.

We can't bathe,
we can't do laundry, there's no heat...

We can't live like this for ever.

It's not for ever.
You know, it's just... it's just... You know.

Peter, I'm up here. Oh, sweetie,

maybe you should go over to Joe's
and return his pool, huh?

No. We're a real country. We deserve all
the rights and privileges everyone else gets.

But we have to think about
the welfare of our children.

- Stewie, is that you?
- Lois, my mind's made up.

- (crash)
- I'm not givin' up an inch of Petorian soil.

It's not a sign of weakness to compromise.

I just think you should...
Peter, stop starin' at my chest.

(Brian) Oh. Yeah, sorry, Lois.

And we're back with our round-table
discussion on the Petorian crisis.

- Uh, you were making a point, John?
- Yes.

What the United States is doing
to Petoria right now is criminal.

Nonsense! Force is the only thing
a despot like Peter Griffin understands.

- Fine. Why not just drop a bomb on him?
- What about that, Eleanor?

Oh, it's ridiculous, clearly.
He's a factory worker, not a despot.

You're missin' the point. Our blockade is
turnin' Petoria into a Third World country.

Can anybody tell me what the square root
of the hypotenuse is... Chris, is that a note?

- No.
- Yes, it is.

Would you like to read it
for the rest of the class?

- No.
- Just read it, lardo.

- "I think Mrs Griffin's hot."
- Go to your room.

Damn you, Rupert! Keep these loathsome
insects away, or you'll end up like Mr Giraffe.

Hi. I'm Susan Sarandon.

A lot of you know me as Tim Robbins'
mother. But I'm actually his girlfriend.

- And this is Stewie.
- What the deuce?

For less that the ticket price
of one of my movies

about capital punishment or neo-feminism,

you can make sure
that Stewie never goes hungry again.

Yes, and from the look
of those sweater cows, so can you.

Morning, subjects. What's for breakfast?

Nothing, you idiot. We don't have any food.

Peter, this has gotten way out of hand.

Look at what we're reduced to. Our own baby
has to use newspapers for diapers.

No, no. No, no, this is fine.

One second. I'm just about
finished with Family Circus.

There we are. Who did that, Jeffie? Not me.

My God, I haven't seen everyone this
miserable since that time we were tortured.

I'm sorry. Were you just whipping me?
Or did I just get bit by a mosquito?

Hey, Lois, if you happen
to see the dungeon master,

tell him his grandmother
was tryin' to work me over.

It's time to call this whole thing off.
Nobody's on our side.

Are you nuts? Look at all these telegrams.

"Nice goin'. Libya." "You the man! North
Korea." "Great job! Iraq."

Iraq, Lois! You know what? I'm gonna invite
a few of these fellas over for a party.

See, Lois, I told you we had allies.
Hey, Slobodan. You made it.

I didn't know what to bring, so I made
coleslaw. It's made out of people!

- Just kidding. Is Muammar here?
- Yeah, he's over there with Saddam.

And then Jerry guessed
that her name was "Mulva"!

That show is so funny.
It really reminds me of me and my friends,

how we hang out before I kill them
for worshipping the wrong god.

And I love that Kramer guy.
He comes in the room like this:

"Whaaaa..." Well, I can't do it, but you know.

- Marco.
- (all) Polo!

- Marco.
- (all) Polo!

- Fish out of water!
- Aw!

Yeah, those are lookin' good. Yeah. Manuel!

Manuel, do you want...
Can you ask him if he wants cheese?

Hey! Hey! Fidel! No running around the pool!

I say, I say, Achmed.
What is that thing you people do

when you're about to assassinate an infidel?

Ah. You mean this? (howls)

Oh, yes, I love that. (howls)

Stewie! This is insanity.

- Whoa! Where do you think you're goin'?
- America!

I've had enough. You can keep this filthy
mess you call a country. Come on, kids.

This is treason! For God's sake, Peter!
Make an example of her!

Nothing says "Obey me"
like a bloody head on a fence post.

Let's go! We're crossin' the border!
Goodbye, President Griffin.

- Brian, at least you're Ioyal enough to stay.
- I've stuck by you through worse.

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah, I guess it's you and me
against the world, buddy.

Attention, President Griffin. As you may
presently, yourself, fully be aware of,

my grammar sucks, but more importantly,
we're about to commence

Operation Bomb the Crap
Out of Your House.

The guy who thinks up the names
is on vacation. Fire!

To answer your question, like that.

The guy who aims is in the john.
Ah, here he is. Next one's comin' right at you.

Face it, it's over. Why not sit down with
the mayor and negotiate some kind of treaty?

Negotiate? Peter Griffin doesn't know
the meaning of the word "negotiate".

Can... can I tie you to a stick
and use you as a white flag?

Thank you all for coming.
We invited Jesse Jackson

to open our negotiations with a prayer.

(all) Ooh!

Unfortunately, he couldn't make it,
so in his place we have LaToya Jackson.

Thanks. Um... Rub-a-dub-dub,
thanks for the grub. Yeah, God!

How very inappropriate. Thank you.

Now, Mr Griffin, would you like to begin?

OK. After much thought and consideration,
I have decided to make a concession or two.

- Very good, Peter.
- First, I will return Joe's pool.

- Oh, you got that right!
- But I demand access to it on weekends.

- No.
- Accepted.

I also demand to remain my own,
independent nation.

- Absolutely not.
- How about you give me your pen?

You mean this cheap little pen
we have millions of back at the office?

- Yeah.
- No.

Oh, man. So after all this
I end up with nothin'?

How about this?
Every night when you get home from work,

I'll scratch your back
with a matchbook cover like you like.

- Ah, Lois.
- Aw.

- Will you call me "Big Rudy" when you do?
- No.

And that's the story of Petoria,
a little nation that, 200 years ago,

seceded and repatriated
in less than a week.

- Any questions?
- Yeah, uh, I don't get it.

So, like, can the family understand the baby,
or... or... What's the deal with that?