Family Guy (1998–…): Season 19, Episode 17 - Young Parent Trap - full transcript

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a... ♪

♪ Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
*FAMILY GUY*

*FAMILY GUY*
Season 19 Episode 17



Episode Title: " Young Parent Trap"
Aired on: April 18, 2021

Well, here we are.

Oh, and if you hear the guys
call me "Poopy Thumb,"

i-it's just a fun nickname,

it's not something
that actually happened.

Hey, Poopy Thumb.

It was Gulden's Spicy Brown
Mustard from my sandwich.

How many times
do I have to say it?!

(chuckles): Okay.

No need to relitigate
what four of our peers saw.

Hi, everyone.

I'm your children's teacher,
Miss Laura,

and like pretty much everyone
in America right now,

I'm very high
on legalized edible pot.



Ha-ha. (Inhales sharply)

It's crazy how much
your kids look like you.

Wha...

Peter, pay attention.

Sorry, I was having
a Fast Times daydream

about that tank top mom.

Yeah, that's disgusting.

How would you like it
if she did that to you?

"Moving In Stereo"
by The Cars plays...

PETER:
I chocked on water

and had to get mouth-to-mouth
from a guy.

Five, four,

three, two, one...

Yay!

All right,
that's officially

the latest any of us
have ever been up.

- (yawns)
- Oh-ho!

A little tired, Stewie?

No. I just yawned
because somebody else yawned.

I could do this all night.
You tired?

Oh, no. At home,
they call me the night...

(all snoring)

Is Garrick Utley alive?

I... (sighs)
I don't know, Peter.

Hey, I've been meaning
to ask you all night...

Those vintage pants are amazing,
where did you get them?

Oh, they were folded neatly
on a toilet in the gas station.

Hey, you know,
we're starting a text chain

with some of
the other young parents.

Young parents?

Yeah, new parents like us
have to stick together.

(chuckles) Yes, we do.

Because we're very young.

Great. Can we get your number?

Sure. We're Lakeside 4-7...

He's kidding.
We'll hit you with the digits.

Great.

Oh, my God, Peter,
did you hear that?

What? I'm chewing celery.
I can't hear anything.

They think Stewie's our first.

Ah! They think we're young.

- You're hurting me.
- This is our chance.

Our chance to break away

from the Joes and Bonnies
of the world.

Our chance to finally
make cool friends.

Well, I don't know what
you're saying, Lois,

but that horse
is the dumbest horse

I have ever seen in my life.

MAN:
It hurt to hear,

but deep down,
I respected him for saying it.

Finally someone
had told me the truth.

And that boy grew up to have a
multiplatinum recording career.

Hi, I'm Richard Marx,

and I suck
at making clay horses,

but ask your wife if she cares.

♪ Wherever you go ♪

♪ Whatever you do ♪

♪ I will be right here ♪

♪ Waiting for you. ♪

(phone vibrates)

(gasps) Oh, my God,
it's from Matt and Kate

on that text chain.
Uh,

"Heading out for 'ritas downtown
with the other young parents.

Meet in 15?"

Oh, Peter, we have to go!

Now?

Peter, look.

The menu doesn't
have dollar signs.

It just has a number
and a period.

Ah!
I feel like I'm in Brooklyn!

Damn it, all the employees
are wearing regular clothes,

so it's impossible
to ask anybody for help.

MATT:
Griffins.

Uh, you want to sit at
the high-seat low-table,

or the low-seat high-table?

(indistinct chatter)

How about those
four old barber chairs

around the operating tables
from the state insane asylum?

Ah, isn't this place great?

Amazing.

Hi, my name is Isaac.
I'll be your server.

Have you all eaten
with us before?

No, but I get
how restaurants work.

Now, what can I get
for you, hon?

Well, this is us.

Boy, I almost
don't want this night to end.

- Me either.
- Well, I got an idea.

You mind if I use your bathroom
to do number two?

Wow, your place is amazing.

A pool, a spa, and all
the lights are on dimmers.

And a digital thermostat.

Oh, my God, it's like
we're on a spaceship.

Well, there's an open unit
if you guys are interested.

(toilet flush) - Is the toilet
a bit better in that one?

Actually,
it's kind of embarrassing,

but the toilet
in that one is shaped

like a Hungry Hungry Hippo.

I don't know, Peter.

It just doesn't feel
like the responsible thing

to abandon Chris and Meg.

The polka dot top goes with
the white bottoms, too, right?

Oh, definitely.
Very old Hollywood.

Perfect. I mean,
I guess they are teenagers.

- And helicopter parents, right?
- What?

Helicopter parents.
It's something I read.

- Oh.
- Now you say it.

- Say what?
- Helicopter parents.

- Helicopter parents.
- Exactly.

Now, I stocked the freezer with
plenty to eat while we're gone.

- On the top shelf...
- CHRIS: But all I heard was...

Not pizza.
Not pizza. Not pizza.

And finally, this is calamari.

This is my placenta.
Are you listening?

You're gonna want to watch
where I point.

- Calamari, placenta.
- Who died again?

Meg, listen to the lies.
Nobody died.

An aunt of your father's
or mine is very ill.

And why is Stewie
going with you?

Stewie loved Uncle Grandpa.

Wait, uncle?
I thought you said...

Helicopter parents.
Let's go, Lois.

Wow, they're really gone.

You know what that means.

BOTH:
We can finally crate Brian!

He tricked us, and we're
still waiting on that lasagne.

Chris, that was the trick.

Oh.

He tricked us!

Ah, look, we're in apartment 4G.

Like the iPhone.

That's stupid, Lois.
Don't ever say that again.

Hey, how's everything going
in there?

Great. We're in apartment 4G,
like the iPhone.

(chuckles):
That's so twisted.

- Did you make that up?
- Yes.

You guys get settled,
then a few of us are gonna sit

by the firepit and say
"mid-century modern" a lot,

if you want to join.

- They like us.
- This is it, Peter.

We're gonna vape.
We're gonna vape!

It's causing deaths,
but not that many yet.

Ugh, I can't believe I ate
both Tupperwares of calamari.

(belches, groans)

But I'm still hungry.

What do we have left to eat?

I'm not gonna say
we're out of food,

but anything still in
the fridge I have made love to.

Man, this broom-handle-poked
tapioca is delicious.

- Chris had sex with that.
- (spits)

- Relax, I didn't finish.
- Oh.

All right, Stewie,
you have a playdate

with Cobain,
Siddhartha and Atticus.

And if anyone asks,
you have plenty of sunscreen on.

- But I don't...
- Bye.

Hey, I'm Cobain.
Want a strawberry Quik?

Sure, I want a strawberry,
but what's the hurry?

Stewie Griffin, 4G,
like the iPhone.

Ha. I like you.
Our deck needed a wild card.

Cobain, now that
you're my best friend,

can I ask you a question?

When is nap time?

Because it's 2:15,
and I'm about to collapse.

Oh, we don't take naps.

No naps?
Well, then, when is bed time?

Whenever.

My God, when do you grow?

- We don't. I'm six.
- You're six?

- Why are you so small?
- I only eat tofu and seaweed.

- Nothing in a cage.
- You've never had parakeet?

No.
Have you?

No, but it looks really yummy
in the cartoons.

(indistinct chatter)

All right, Peter, we can't
look like we don't belong,

so when they ask you what
you want to drink, just say

- "Local. Micro. Brew."
- Local. Micro. Brew.

Local. Micro. Brew.

Hey, Peter,
what can I get you to drink?

(British accent):
Give us a drop o' sherry, luv.

- Peter!
- (regular accent): I'm-I'm sorry. I mean...

Local. Micro. Brew.

Hi, we're Lois and Peter in 4G.

I really like your green pants.

Oh, thanks, I found them
folded neatly on a toilet.

I-I mean, I...
I only buy pants from companies

that donate the same pair
to a Third World country.

Run home with these expired
military condoms, Ndugu.

Run and make sure they use them.

"Main Title: Olden Ticket/Pure
Imagination" playing...

- (music stops)
- (grunts)

(sucking on teeth
and clicking tongue)

(bicycle bell rings)

I found Mom and Dad.

Wait, what?
Where are they?

Well, first I need to explain
how I found them.

Let me start from the beginning.

You know how I operate
a small Internet company

where I buy and sell
chlorine, right?

- No. What?
- Chris' Chlorine?

- Chris' Chlorine?
- Chris, I have no idea what...

Chris' Chlorine!

Stop just yelling that!

Well, anyway, my guy
at Millennial Village

Luxury Apartments was buying
extra chlorine this week.

Seems they've been finding
a lot of loose burger meat

in the pool.

And who do we know
that likes to go swimming

with loose burger meat?

- Oh, my God, Dad!
- Bingo.

But more importantly,
are you satisfied

with your
chlorine supplier, Meg?

Do you realize that
most people don't have

a personal relationship
with their chlorine dealer?

How crazy is that?

Chris, we got to go
to that apartment building

- and bust Mom and Dad.
- (phone ringing)

I'm on board, Meg, just
got to take this call first.

Christopher's Catamarans.
Been running a side business.

Hello?

Aw, wrong number.

Anyway, Meg, are you happy

with your catamaran supplier?

Shouldn't we be confronting
our parents right now?

I know, it's so crazy
how they moved out of the house.

But you know
what's really crazy?

Paying big showroom
prices for catamarans.

Meg, do you want to pay for
someone else's brick and mortar?

Or do you want to pay
for your own fun

and freedom on the waves?

- I really think that we should be getting back.
- (phone ringing)

Hang on, hang on.
I got to get this call.

Randy's
Screen and Window Supply.

That's not
another one of my businesses.

I run an answering service.

Although I'd be remiss
if I didn't mention

that I am dying to get into
the screen and window business.

If you have an in, Meg,

just anyone in the window game
I could take to coffee,

you know, and just pick
their brains about win...

No, Chris.
I'm sorry, I don't.

Yeah, no, it's cool.
Sorry. I'm still here.

(phone rings)

Windows and Screens Unlimited,
we beat any price.

So, Griffins,

what do you think
of our little oasis in Quahog?

I like it,
but I can't believe

we're all going to college
next year.

Peter, that's too young.

I mean, have you gotten
a reverse mortgage

- like Joe Namath suggests?
- Too old.

KATE: Hey, gang, there's
a new couple moving in.

Look at that, Lois.
We're no longer the new couple.

The heat is off.

- Oh, my God.
- I know.

That's the guy
from the catamaran commercial.

So, you two just
moved to the complex?

What did you say
your names were again?

I'm Dylan
and this is my wife, Dylan.

Oh... same name couple.
That's the dream.

I have an idea, why don't
we all play a board game?

Great idea.

Have you guys ever played
The Wrath of the Star Eclipse:

Empire:
Twilight of Destruction?

Wh-What is that? Is that...
is that like Sorry!?

Um, does Sorry!
Have a 900-sided die

and its own language
of rules?

Oh, we love that game.

Yeah, that sounds like fun.

Why don't you guys set it up,
and we'll get our new friends

drinks from the kitchen,
huh?

What the hell do you guys
think you're doing?

I could ask you
the same question, and I shall.

What the hell do you guys
think you're doing?!

I'll tell you
what we're doing...

Having fun for the first time
in our lives.

And we're not gonna
let you ruin that.

Well, we're gonna expose you
as the old farts you are.

Oh, you're gonna expose us?

Did you hear that, Peter?

Don't care,
long as you don't pan

no nuggets off me claim.

I went way back.

Okay, Peter, your turn.

Uh...

Why are you looking
at your navigation chart

when we're still
at the beginning

of the first build phase?

You know what I like to do
when I play games?

Ask people when they were born.

Pete, you go first.

Oh, that's an easy question.
19...

(stammering)

Uh, uh, nine... 90.90.11.

I was born on 9/11.

Well, what about you guys?

You seem like
a very happy couple,

yet I haven't seen you
even kiss yet.

This is why I said
we should've practiced.

I can't kiss at the moment.

I have raging HPV in my throat.

Compliments
of m'lady's Florida sojourn.

What a fun Gen Z time
we're having.

We should take a photo.

Lois, why don't you take a photo
and AirDrop it to us?

Of course, AirDrop.

That's easy.

(gasps)
Oh, whoops.

Dropped my phone.
(chuckles)

Peter, can you help
me pick this up?

What the hell is AirDrop?
Is that Wi-Fi?

- I think it's a medical term for a fart.
- Is that the button you hit

- on the plane?
- I never turn it off on a plane.

- How do you ask Siri?
- I think you mean "celery."

- Hey, celery.
- It's definitely Siri.

- Yeah, I'm wrong.
- Peter, we got to get out of this.

I'll-I'll just throw up,
everyone will have to leave.

- Can you really do that?
- Yeah, I taught myself in sixth grade.

- I'm gonna do it.
- Okay. Okay. I'm in. I'm in.

(retches)

Aw, gee whiz.

Aw, sorry, guys.
Looks like the party's over.

We'll AirDrop another time.

Ah, Sunday.

Perfect day to dangle
my feet in the pool

with the other heavier wives.

Ah, loose burger meat
on a sunny day.

This is nice, isn't it, Beverly?

Bev? Isn't it?

- Uh-huh.
- Well, then say it.

Uh, you guys, the Dylans
just had the best idea.

What do you say we all
go to Quachella with a Q,

Quahog's three-day
music festival?

Oh, music festival, huh?

You think the von Trapps'll
stick around

to pick up their award
this time?

I don't know about them,
but they're gonna have holograms

of Tupac and also Nipsey Hussle,
who I'd never heard of

and then was told
to care immensely about.

So, this was the Dylans' idea?

Oh, oh, we can't
take credit for it.

Any young person
would've thought of it.

Do I have to wear a tuxedo
like Frank and Sammy

or is that just
for the people on stage?

♪

Hey, Lois, will you snap
a 'gram for us?

So, the-the button
in the middle?

Yeah, portrait mode.
Slap on a Hudson filter.

The-the big button?
Peter?!

Lois, please, I'm doing my
Charles in Charge word find.

Now, where are those
two Ds for "Buddy"?

♪

They-they just left?

Huh. Thought you kids
didn't take naps.

Now you're all just sleeping
at the bottom of the pool?

Oh, my God!

(quiet chatter)

Guys, we're here.

Yup, there's the local mosquito
and gnat population,

anxiously awaiting my arrival.

(buzzing)

All right, time for
a fallen-arch, flip-flop

two-mile walk to the gate.

Uhp, I got a leaf.

(sighs)

- (groans)
- (wind whistles)

(sighs)

Geez, we've been walking
for 20 minutes.

You guys can tap out any time.

I know you both have
searing IPA sun headaches.

There's ibuprofen
in my backpack.

Admit you're old,
and it's yours.

No.
Never.

We're getting close.
I can see the stages.

Oh, there's nothing there.
That's just a mirage.

(faint cheering)

The porta potties
are a mirage, too.

Thanks for waiting, guys.
I really had to go number one.

Oh, my God, what are we doing?

Peter just crapped
in the parking lot.

- We can't do this.
- What's wrong?

Are you guys not super amped?

No!
No, we're old!

We hate this ****!

- W-Well, this is a surprise.
- Oh, shut up.

And they're only teenagers,
and not cool ones.

If you two idiots
weren't wearing

terrible Warby Parker glasses,
you would have seen that.

- Oh, my God!
- (groans)

Look, we're sorry
we lied to you.

We thought it would be fun
to act like young parents again.

But you don't have kids
to have fun.

You have kids
to use as an excuse

to never leave the house.

Can you guys at least Venmo
us for the tickets?

I don't know what that is!

And that's okay.
Ha.

Chris, give us the ibuprofen

and text the driver
to pick us up here.

I don't know how to do it.

Are we done?
Thank God.

I'm gonna go get a water
at that 7-Eleven over there.

(entry bell chimes)

Ugh, I ruined my pants.

Circle of life.

(entry bell chimes)

I hated every minute of this.

Well, we had quite an adventure,
but I think we learned

a valuable lesson.
Isn't that right, Chris?

I don't know.
I'd love to stay and talk,

but I've got a catamaran client
I got to check on.

(gasps)

- Uh, what's going on?
- Sorry, Chris.

There's a hungry new player
in the catamaran game.

While you were at Quachella,
I was building relationships.

That's all the catamaran
business is, Chris...

Relationships.

CHRIS: Losing my best client
like that was a real epiphany for me,

and I knew immediately
that I had two choices:

I could give up or I could
sneak into a Ramada Inn

and wander up
to an unguarded podium.

I chose the latter.

And it has made
all the difference!

"Glory Days"
by Bruce Springsteen plays...

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Come on ♪

♪ Whoo! ♪