Family Guy (1998–…): Season 19, Episode 18 - Meg Goes to College - full transcript

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

♪

New shirt, Cleveland?



Donna saw an unflattering
picture of me on Facebook

and only lets me wear black now.

Is the picture that bad?

It was the worst thing

I would ever want
to see myself be.

Problem with these dark
shirts is the dandruff shows.

But when I wear light colors...

The dandruff doesn't show,
but you look bigger in the shirt.

- Yeah, it's called "Guillermo's Paradox."
- What's that now?

Guillermo del Toro
theorized that a fat man's shirt

cannot simultaneously
appear slimming and clean.

Mm. That boy does
look like he be gettin' dry.

All right, Peter,
what's going on?

Well, truth be told,



Meg wants me to give
her a bunch of money

so she can go to college,
and I guess...

I guess I'd rather spend
that money on alcohol.

Listen,
I helped my daughter through college

and it was the
best thing I ever did.

Well, it was just kind of us talking,
but how so?

Right after she graduated,
she got a real good job

and bought me a new car.

Says she's gonna buy
me a house one day,

so I can sell this
place and retire.

Man, imagine how great
it would feel to be retired?

I knew a retired
kid in high school.

All he ate was Tater Tots.

He smooshed a turtle
like a ice cream sandwich.

- He was severely retired.
- Okay, Peter.

Guys, I've got to help
Meg get into a good college.

Then I can have the golden
years I've always dreamed of.

I sure am gonna miss you, baby.

New wife that's just
one giant freckle?

Come on, Florida,
cancer, let's go!

(Brian barking)

What's going on? You okay?

This-this squirrel, man...

(squirrel chittering)

Yeah,
come down here and do it, huh?

Come down here!

Well, you're getting old, Bri.

Might be time to pack it up

and get out of the
squirrel gettin' game.

No way,
man. That little bastard comes down here...

Hey.

(chittering)

Get him, boy.

- ♪ - (Brian barking)

(panting)

(retches)

You've got to get in shape, man.

You know,
you should meet my trainer.

I think you'd really like him.

- You have a trainer? - Yes.

You think it's easy
looking zero for 20 years?

All right, fine,
I'll give it a shot.

Right now I feel more
useless than a chiropractor

in an emergency.

Excuse me,
is anyone here a doctor?

I have a heating
pad in my office.

What seems to be the problem?

(cheering)

♪

All right, Meg,
now if we're gonna get you

into a good school,
we're gonna have

to fudge your application a bit.

Okay, how do we do that?

I don't know, I ate the fudge.

But the good news is

I got a letter of
recommendation for you.

It's from Big Bird
and I wrote it.

- "When I first met..."
- Read it as Big Bird, please.

(nasally): "When
I first met Peter,

I was impressed at how
tall and handsome he is."

That's coming from Big Bird?

Think of all the
celebrities he's met.

Ryan Reynolds was
on Sesame Street.

- Wow.
- "Also, have you ever noticed

"that Grover and
Super Grover are never

in the same room
at the same time?"

As I said, Lois,
not two days ago.

♪

Principal Shepherd,
what's it gonna take

to get Meg into a college?

If Meg has any chance at all,

she's going to need
a little "extra help."

We'll do anything.
Whatever it takes.

Good. Now you do
understand how this works?

We understand.

I guess I'll, uh,
I'll meet you in the car.

He didn't mean you
have to sleep with him.

There are a few options.

♪

(lights buzzing)

Now, Mr. And Mrs. Griffin,
every college

has spots set aside
for athletic recruits.

We can make Meg
look like a star athlete.

With the click of a button,

we can make Meg look like
she played varsity lacrosse,

won the Quahog Marathon,
or had her head

roll down a temple
in Apocalypto.

♪

Lois, this is amazing!

Meg's gonna look more successful

than a businessman
in a hard hat.

Hey! I came down here from
the office to point at the plans,

then at the building!
Plans! Building!

Building! Plans!

Yes, sir. Right away, sir!

MAN (singing):

I come down to the
site once in a while.

♪

Hi, uh,
you must be Stewie's trainer.

Wh... How did you...? I thought
I was gonna meet your trainer?

You're looking at him,
Bri. Look at my body.

I'm jacked. You
want to get jacked?

- Uh...
- Yeah, you want to get jacked.

That's what having a trainer is.

Just a couple of
guys getting jacked.

- Sometimes twice a day.
- Okay, you know what...?

All right, before we start in,
a little business to go over.

I was just messing around
about the jacked stuff, by the way.

Uh, did you want to sign
up for the full three years?

Three years? Don't you
just do it by the session?

Yeah, no, we can do,
uh, sesh to sesh.

Not committed.

Did you want to do
the supplement plan?

Uh. uh, no. No, thanks.

Going through the motions.

All right,
so what do you got going on for New Years?

- What?
- 80% of being a trainer is

asking clients what
they're doing for New Years.

And then not seeming
interested when you tell me.

I don't know,
I might go over to a buddy's house

and watch the ball drop.

Oh, right on.

- So, uh, what do you do for work?
- I'm a writer.

- Okay, so lot of sittin'?
- Yeah.

Hang on, I got to make a call.

Hey, Death? I got a guy
here just about ready for you.

No, not really,
I'm just trying to make a point.

All right,
and that is it for today.

First sesh in the books.

Let's Ven' to the 'mo.

♪

CLEVELAND: ♪ Mail time,
mail time, mail time, mail time ♪

♪ Mail time. ♪

The mail's here!

♪ Here's the mail
that never fails ♪

♪ It makes me
want to wag my tail ♪

♪ When it comes I
want to wail mail... ♪

"To Meg Griffin."

(gasps) It's from Brown!

(gasps) I've been accepted!

Hey, that's great news.

Let's clap it up my
high school girlfriend

and I still say I
love you in e-mails.

I was hoping the good
news and the clapping

would offset this secret.

But yay, Meg!

♪

Wow, I remember when my
parents clapped their hands

after moving something one time.

You never forget those moments.

Now remember, Meg,
I want you to call us every week,

and then every few weeks,
and then never.

I promise, Mom.

Got to admit,
I'm kind of jealous you get to go

to college and live
in such a cool dorm.

Look, they even have the
pay phone Denise Huxtable

would call from on
A Different World.

Hi, Dad. College is great.

I'm doing what I
want to actresses

and will get support
from my wife Camille.

That stuff was more out in
the open than I remember.

(indistinct chatter)

Well, I guess that's it.

Our baby is all grown
up and living at college.

I know! She's so lucky!

This place is awesome!

You think I'll go to
college one day?

Oh... yeah.

Sky's the limit, champ.

Lois,
I'll meet you down at the car.

I got to take a
dump that will live on

in story and song.

No, I don't have a roommate.

I guess he, like,
died or something.

So I've got a
double all to myself.

A double? Hey, roomie.

Want to listen to The
Doors for the next six months

and then never again
for the rest of your life?

Wait, you're my roommate?

You're Ashok Chandrasekhar?

- God bless you. - (laughs)

Classic Ashok.

♪

Hey, why'd you tell me to
meet you at Meg's room?

Well,
now that Meg is in college,

I turned her room into a gym.

Oh, my God.

- How'd you do this?
- Took a Limitless pill

and played "Old
Town Road" on loop.

All right,
why don't we start off with a plank?

One minute,
and I'm gonna go call my girlfriend

and the forget
about you. And... go.

- (phone beeps) - Hey.

- I'm at the gym, why? - Stewie?

Babe,
you know I can't deal with your sister.

Hey, babe... babe? Baby girl?

- Stewie!
- Babe! Babe, I'm not... baby babe,

ba-babe, baby, baby, come on.

- (sharp snap) -(shouts,
moaning) -Babe, I'll call you back.

(moaning)

Okay, right on,
so you remember I was telling you

about the magnesium
supplement with the bone boost?

So this is why you
want to try and take that.

- Right on?
- No, not "right on"!

My arm feels like it's broken!

Oh, it's gonna need some P.T.

Let me give you the card
of my physical therapist.

He's the best.

This is gonna be you in another shirt,
isn't it?

Hey, what's the problemo?

Give me the rundown, go ahead.

♪

H-Hey, Meg?

Hi, I'm Xander.

I'm-I'm in your bio
class. I'm not a stalker.

(laughs) Either way.

Listen, me and my roommates
are having people over tonight,

and I was wondering if
you'd want to come by.

Yeah. I'd love to.

Awesome.

Keeney, 325.

PETER: Heads up!

(Meg exclaims)

Dad? What the
hell are you doing?

I'm going to college now.

Wait, what? What about Mom?

Well,
I had to have a tough conversation

with her by the lake.

♪

I'm just not a fan of
long-distance relationships.

Peter,
I need to know if you're gonna

pick Stewie up from school.

I'll be home for Thanksgiving.

We'll see where we're at then.

(indistinct chatter)

Hi, I'm Serena.

This is Lily and Grace.

- Weet up. - Hyai.

Are you interested in
pledging for Alpha Delta Pi?

Yeah! I hear you guys
throw all the best parties.

ALL: Well,
we've been waiting for you all summer,

and we're so glad
you're finally here.

(all screaming happily)

GIRLS (chanting): Boom,
boom, I wanna go A D Pi...

PETER: Meg,
you gotta get me out of here.

These people are
out of their minds.

Do not go A D Pi,
Meg. Do not join this thing.

They don't let
us out of the pile.

They're so mean,
Meg. They're so mean.

SORORITY SISTERS: I wanna go A D Pi,
don't you?

Hey, Meg, I'm a hippie now,
and I'm feeling the burn.

- Bernie Sanders?
- No, none of my hippie girlfriends shower,

and my crotch itches.

You know,
despite what we're doing here,

- I'm still your daughter.
- Right, right.

Hey, uh,
would you sign this petition

to help save the spotted owl?

- Yeah, sure. - Awesome.

You're our 50th signature.

So what happens now?

Buck, wait!

- (chain saw revs) - Buck!

They got 50 signatures.

That's 50 all right.

Well,
let's get back in the truck.

♪

You don't have to
be afraid anymore.

I'm still itchy.

MEG: Dad,
I'm holding the ladder!

♪

There he is,
the big dog. You ready to sweat?

Today we got legs,
and I'm gonna tell you everything

I've ever watched on Netflix.

Stewie, listen, I don't want
you to take this the wrong way,

but I got a new trainer.

New trainer? Who?

Doug? Ugh.

That's right, Stewie,
it's an ugh-Doug moment.

No hard feelings.

I think Brian here
just wants to rev up

- to a higher octane.
- See you around, Stewie.

So it might take me a little
longer to train you, Brian.

You're going to have to unlearn
everything Stewie taught you.

Fortunately,
that was almost nothing.

(Brian laughs)

Oh, man.

♪

PETER: Heads up.

Ow! Dad, what the hell?

Did you join a frat?

I tried to,
but I got the letters mixed up

and joined a fart.

(flatulence)

(laughs)

Hey, everyone, I'm in college,
but here's a test for you.

We just gave you
the easiest joke setup

in Family Guy history:
Peter joins a fart house.

Is the correct punchline A?

B?

Or C?

Good luck to you. And
now back to our story.

Hey, ladies,
toga farty tonight at I Delta PU.

- Tell your friends. - Ew, no.

Heh, they all say that.

- Hey, what are you reading?
- Boning up for an exam.

I boned up yesterday when I
walked into the girls' shower.

(classic slide whistle riff)

Dad, please!

Sorry, Meg,
I've been smoking doobies all morning.

Talk about higher education.

(classic up-down slide)

That's it. I can't
take this anymore.

Dad, get out of here.

What? This is what college is.

How do you know? You're
not even a student here.

You're a total fraud.

Me? You wouldn't even be here

if your mother and I didn't

- pay someone to get you in.
- What?!

Yeah,
your whole application was fake.

Meg, is this true?

What? No, of course not,
Dean Nearby.

Well, if it is,
you're going to be suspended.

Oh, no.

Well, that weekend on the Cape

with Principal
Shepherd was a waste.

I know I said I
wouldn't get clingy,

but when can I see you again?

I can't believe they
suspended Meg.

Suspended Meg? Peter,
you and I could be going to jail.

I can't go to jail. Me
and my fart brothers

are supposed to
streak the quad later.

(plays "Charge" riff)

Now stop that. You're not in

whatever you think
college is anymore.

I can't believe you
two did this to me.

Maybe if you believed in me,

none of this would
have happened.

Meg, honey,
nobody wanted you out of this house

more than we did.

You know, maybe there's a way

none of you gets in trouble.

What are you talking about?

Well, you said you can do

all those things
on your application.

If you show you actually
can do those things,

you're all in the clear.

And then I can get back to

hustling drunk women upstairs

with Tobin and Squee.

Well,
I better get to work, then.

But I seriously doubt that
I'll be able to pull this off.

Hey,
come on. Anything's possible.

Like when that Starbucks cup
made it onto Game of Thrones.

This is it. Here it comes,
here it comes.

- Hey! -Oh, my gosh.
- That's so cool.

I can't believe this.
What's the Internet saying?

They-they thought
you were great.

Okay, Brian, this many.

- (straining) - This many.

Come on, Brian, you can do it.

(straining)

And that's as many as I know. Good job,
Brian.

Hey, Stewie,
congratulate your friend.

He just did this many sit-ups.

What? There's
nothing after that.

- That's as high as it goes.
- (chuckles) Yep.

Are you crazy,
pushing him that hard?

You're playing a dangerous game.

Yeah, it's dangerous.

And that's the way I like it.

Listen, Doug,
I've been meaning to talk to you.

I just got this new job,
and the commute is... ugh.

I can work around your schedule.

Well,
that's the thing. I don't have one.

That's the way the
suits figured it anyway.

What exactly is this job?

I know, right? Anyway,
you've been terrific,

and I'm gonna keep at this.

But I'm afraid this is goodbye.

What if I went down
to $300 a week?

- STEWIE: You're paying him?!
- I'm sorry.

(blows raspberries)

Hey, whoa, whoa,
whoa. There's no need for that.

(blows raspberries)

- Thank you for that, Brian.
- You're welcome, Stewie.

You know, this whole thing has
taught me an important lesson.

I hate exercise.

Gay-men.

Somebody has to help
me walk down the stairs.

♪

MAN (through bullhorn): Everyone,
if I could have your attention.

I'm Dean Distant Faraway,
and we're here today

to determine whether or
not Meg Griffin can justify

her admission to our university.

- And we're Mom and Dad. Hi.
- Go blue.

DISTANT FARAWAY: What
did they say? I-I'm very far away.

♪

Strike.

(all cheering)

(all cheering)

(all cheering)

Ah... Dr. Nassar?

- (whispers indistinctly) - (gasps) Oh,
my stars.

Okay, I'm gonna try to kill
two birds with one stone here.

I'll be singing "Love
is a Battlefield"

- by Pat Benatar. - (murmuring)

In Russian.

(excited chatter)

- Hit it. - (music starts)

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ My sil'nyy ♪

♪ Nikito Nam Ne Skazhet chto ♪

♪ My ne pravy ♪

♪ Dolgo ishchen vy ♪

♪ Nashix serdtsa ♪

♪ My oba znaem chto ♪

♪ Lyubov eto battlefield. ♪

(cheering)

Well, it appears you can
do pretty much everything

you claimed on your application.

So that's it? I'm
back in school?

I think all you have to do now

is prove you can windsurf
over Providence Falls.

Oh, right.

You prove that, you're back.

Wait, did we check that she
can get dunked on by her dad?

Dunked on by my d...?

Oh!

You gotta get big, Meg.

(cheering)

Guys, no matter what happens,
I just want you to know

that I forgive you
for what you did.

I know deep down you
were just looking out for me.

Whatever you think
the lesson is here

is fine by us.

(fanfare plays)

Good luck, Meg. We love you.

(crowd cheering)

♪

(breathes deeply)

Aah...

Aw, so close.

(crowd screaming)

(Meg yelling)

Peter, call an ambulance.

Can you do it? My
number's blocked by 911.

Come on,
you can do this. Stewie does it every day.

- He does? - Yep.

Just put one hand on the rail.

Damn it, I can't.

Uppies.

Adios, Doug.

From hell's heart
I stab at thee.

With my last breath,
I spit upon...

(snoring)

Ha! What a baby.