Family Guy (1998–…): Season 19, Episode 16 - Who's Brian Now? - full transcript

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy. ♪

I'm glad you're finally getting
your hair cut, Peter.

You were starting to look like
that Bongo from The Beatles.



I am so excited
for you to meet Jerry.

He's been cutting my hair
for decades.

- I'm like family here.
- How do you do?

Well, that's a fine
"how do you do."

- I have a 12:00 with Jerry.
- Oh.

Well, I'm sorry to tell you
this, Mr. Griffin,

but your barber Jerry
has passed away.

What? When?

- Recently.
- Jerry.

Oh, that's someone else.

But I can assure you,
we have a wonderful team

of lesbians wearing all black
for you to choose from.

No! I want Jerry.

Come on, Peter,
it's just a haircut.



Come on, get up.
You're embarrassing me.

I'm not gonna. I hate you.

Come on, Peter.

You're acting worse
than the time Chris auditioned

for Stanley Kubrick.

Good day, Mr. Kubrick.

My name is Chris Griffin.

And the following
is a loose cutting

from Air Bud: Golden Receiver.

Show me in the rule book
where it says a dog

can't play football.

He ain't gonna walk again.

Doc says he broke his back.

You're gold
when you're a retriever.

You're gold when
you're a retriever.

Peter, this is Jan.
Now you just sit there

while she and I
conspiratorially discuss

your haircut in front of you.

(whispering indistinctly)

(laughs)

Okay, Peter, think.
You're a cartoon character.

You can conjure up
anything in the world

to get yourself out of this.

So long, Lois and lady
I accidentally called "sir."

The lines are speed.

I didn't draw any food
or supplies.

I drew that.

Good morning, family.

Peter, why are you
wearing that hat?

You look like you're getting
ready to ride

a moped in Thailand.

♪

Oh, God, how does it look wet
and dry at the same time?

You look like if Shelley Duvall
ate Shelley Duvall.

Peter, you have
to get a haircut.

Lois, Jerry's dead.

So I think I'm just gonna
be a long-haired old guy

from here on out.

I'm, like, not mad at his hair.

Sorry, but, like, I would.

You would what?

- And with who?
- Anything. With anybody.

I don't give a horse's tomato.

Okay, come on, guys,
it's just hair.

I'm still the same old Peter.

Nothing's gonna change.
Oh, I'm late.

The hair doesn't know yet
that he doesn't need

a briefcase for work.

What are we doing here, Dad?

Well, now that I have long,
stringy hair,

we're bidding on
an abandoned storage unit.

Gentlemen, the auction
is about to begin.

Are we all wearing
our cargo shorts?

If so, please rattle
your trinkets and van keys.

(metal clinking)

Very good.
The first unit up for bids today

contains the band members
from Sugar Ray.

Every morning there are old guys
bidding for the value

of my bandmates'
four gross beds.

Shut the door, baby,
don't say a word.

They still got it. This, Chris.

This is why we got up
at 5:00 a.m.

and drove 90 miles to be here.

Hey, Brian, you're just in time.

The fat man's segment is on.

♪

PETER:
How would I describe it here?

Well, we're just normal
long-haired people

who happen to share
a love of soup

and, uh, also vigorous
den-floor tongue dunking.

- (slurping)
- Yeah, honestly the soups

are a much bigger part of it
than I was led to believe.

Like, I-I can't
stress that enough.

I always have to pee wicked
during the other thing.

There's a framed
grandparent photo

watching all that activity
in the den.

I don't know if this is
appropriate for Stewie.

Sorry, I'm just so preoccupied
with Peter's hair.

Every time he comes in a room,

he's accompanied
by the "Aqualung" guitar lick.

("Aqualung" plays)

I'll be out back.

("Aqualung" plays)

Forgot my keys.

("Aqualung" plays)

Wrong ones.

- I'll go talk to him.
- Oh, thank you, Brian.

He's probably out by the still.

(insects chirping)

(Southern accent):
You from the QVA?

What the hell?
Peter, it's me, Brian.

Quahog Valley Authority

- trying to flood me out of here.
- What is all this?

(regular accent):
It's where I make my liquor

free from
government interference.

Here, try a swig.

(coughing) What's in this?

I have no idea.

I could really use
some government interference.

- Uh, it's actually not bad.
- (siren wailing)

It's the police. Run!

(guns cock)

Well, don't worry.
I won't get far on foot.

(slurring): Hello? Anyone?

Man, I'm-I'm starting
to think Peter didn't throw

a tennis ball in this direction.

Crap.

I'm lost in the woods,
drunk on moonshine.

I guess the only thing to do
is watch Alex Jones videos

at full volume on my phone.

ALEX JONES:
My supplements don't
have lead in them.

If your magnet bracelet
won't come off,

it's probably something you did.

But now let's get back
to the real news, my friends.

There is a pedophile ring
at TCBY.

It does not stand for
"The Country's Best Yogurt,"

it stands for
"Take Children. Boys? Yes."

(groaning)

- Good morning, buddy.
- It's morning?

(bleep), you can talk?

Uh, yeah.

Oh, my God. I knew it.

They told me I was crazy,
but I knew it. (exhales)

I've said good morning to,
like, thousands of dogs.

Is this the pound?
How did I get to the pound?

Oh, my God, that's so awesome.

Okay, you were brought to us
as a lost dog,

but, good news: we scanned you
and found your microchip.

- I didn't know I was chipped.
- Yep.

So you can go back
to your owners,

the Hendersons
of Bristol County.

What? Well, who are
these people?

My family is the Griffins.

Well, that's not
what your chip says.

Man, no one's gonna
believe this.

Wait, will you record my
outgoing message? Oh, hang on.

No one will know you're a dog.

Oh. Can I record you on mute?

Wait, then no one
will hear you can talk.

Okay, we're gonna do
something together.

I don't know what it is,
but we're gonna do something.

You still researching
your other family?

Yeah. Apparently,
they reported me missing

right before Peter found me.

I just think it's important
I understand

who these people were, you know,
as an anthropologist might.

This is a search for "Hendersons
net worth question mark."

Ah, sorry, let me go back.

That says "Hendersons feet."

"Hendersons daughter."

"Hendersons daughter age."
Yikes, Bri.

"Hendersons naked." Whoa.

"Florence Henderson naked."

Her boobs look like her eyes.

Anyway, I just thought
it might be helpful

to reconnect with them.

It's funny, but I-I have
no memory of living with them.

Yeah, sort of like Chris
doesn't remember we stole him

- from a Dutch family.
- What's this now?

Oh, Peter, you cut your hair.

It actually got caught
in the garage door opener chain.

Good news is,
we'll know exactly how far

to pull in when we park.

What about the tennis ball?

What tennis ball?

Hey, cool out.
I-I can be your assistant.

We can both do it.
Checks and balances.

(screaming)

Okay, Brian, you can do this.

The Griffins
are still your family.

You're just curious
to learn about yourself.

Yes. To learn about yourself.

(doorbell rings)

Oh, my God, it's you.

- Is this really happening?
- Sure is.

We thought we'd never
see you again.

We made a grave for you
and everything.

Want to see it?
Want to see your own grave?

Um, uh, no, thanks.

Good, 'cause we had to move it
to put in the trampoline anyway.

Come in, come in.

Wow, this place is incredible.

These say "Henderson."
Did you write all these?

Yep. I've written one more book
than James Patterson.

He writes one, I write one more.
That's sort of my thing.

Oh, and it looks like you got
some of my favorites over here.

1984. Chilling.

- Could happen, right?
- Which part?

Oh, just all of it.
You know, the... just, the year.

Are you saying the year 1984
could happen?

Ah, and Sense and Sensibility.

Very similar words.
But there is a difference there.

Well, I think Ms. Austen meant
"sense" as in the rational mind,

and "sensibility" as in one's
preferences, or irrational mind,

so it's kind of a winking
tug-of-war at work.

(chuckles)

Do you have Jaws here?
I-I'd like to talk about Jaws.

- By Peter Benchley?
- (chuckles)

No. No, by Steven Spielberg.

Well, that was
all pretty unexpected.

The Hendersons were
actually amazing.

I can totally see where I get
my literary chops from.

Ah, uh, can't hear you...

I mean, their kids are
at Harvard now.

Yeah, I can't...
I got my music going, so...

Makes me think
I could have gone to Harvard

- if I'd just stuck around.
- (sighs)

Okay, fine. Not gonna make
Sinéad compete with you.

Not gonna do that to her.

I was just thinking,
you know, how different

my life could be
if I'd actually grown up

with the right kind of family.

Yeah, Bri, I have
that thought sometimes, too.

(slurping)

- Oh, hey.
- Hey yourself.

You, uh, working hard
or hardly working?

Get up here and find out.

Uh, Brian, I got to go.

- But, Stewie...
- I got to go!

Hey, you want to get
in the pool?

Oh, I'd love to, but I had
active diarrhea three days ago.

Oh, it's okay,
the lifeguard's totally cool.

(whistle blows)

Hey, guys?

Uh-uh.

Ah, the weekend scholars.

You two tackling your studies?

We're buying tickets
to Fyre Fest Two. You in?

You do realize the first one was
a historic failure.

Yeah, but this one's
on the moon.

And Brittany Murphy's going!

You guys are
clearly being conned.

There isn't even water up there.

Trust me,
there's a very dedicated man

who will make sure
we get water, Brian.

Hey, Chris, did you tell
everyone the big news?

No, it's stupid.

Go on, tell 'em!

Well, I got into
Orange Julius school today.

- That's wonderful, Chris!
- Congratulations!

Unique.

Tell 'em
what the guy said, Chris.

He said I was lucky I was
the only one who applied.

You're being too modest.

He also said they only accept

99% of applicants.

Anyway, I've already been fired
for touching myself

while the Hot Dog on a Stick
ladies made lemonade.

That's terrible, Chris.

Well, to be fair,
the hot dogs look

like wieners
and lemonade looks like pee,

so I was kind of doomed
from the get-go.

Okay, that's it!

How are you all
actually this dumb?

I can't even believe I've wasted
my intellect living here.

What are you saying, Brian?

I'm saying I'm moving back in

with the Hendersons
where I belong.

Okay, Brian, I guess
that's your choice.

Yeah, fine. Go!

And if you think
we're just going to sadly

watch you walk away,
you're wrong, mister!

Now get the hell out of here!

♪ Every time you go ♪

♪ Away... ♪

(music stops)

♪ You take
a piece of me with... ♪

CHRIS:
Hey, Stewie, was there
a men's department

- in that record store?
- Shut up!

Lois, there's a spider
in my golf bag.

I need you to kill it.

Peter, why is there
a huge pile of food

under the table by your chair?

What? Oh, that's all
the gross food you made.

- Don't worry, Brian will eat it.
- Brian's gone.

He moved in with that
smarty-pants Henderson family.

Oh, that's right. Well,
then this is a perfect chance

to do something I've been
wanting to do forever.

Kids, family meeting!

Now that there's no dog in
the house, we can finally throw

gross things in the open
bathroom trash.

I've got a bloody Kleenex from
when I blew my nose too hard!

- Put it in there!
- How about bloody toilet paper

from wiping too hard?

Everything bloody
from everything too hard

- goes in there.
- I'm not proud of this family.

All right, well,
since Brian's not coming back,

I, I guess you and I should try

to develop
our own comedic patter.

Guess so.

Oh, hey, can I get some
of that pie and Cool "Hwip"?

-What did you say?
-We can't have pie
without Cool "Hwip."

That's not how you're supposed
to say it!

You said it weird!

Whoa, buddy.
It was... it was just a joke.

Somehow this is at my expense,
I know it!

No, it's a goof...

- It's my bit, bud.
- Oh, you like bits, huh?

Well, this is my bit... want
to ride the Stewie-Go-Round?

Aah! Make it stop!

I can't!

It's like an SNL bit!

Too long with no ending!

- ♪ - (cheering and applause)

Welcome back
to the family, Brian.

We're so happy to have you
for dinner.

I think it was Oscar Wilde
who once said,

"After good dinner,
one can forgive anybody,

even one's own relations."

And Oscar Wilde? Famous gaybo.

Whoa, where do you think
you're going?

Oh. I just assumed
that was my seat.

Brian, we've never had
an unwiped dog anus

on a chair cushion before.

And we're not about
to change that now,

as happy as we are
you've returned to us.

You eat down here.

Ah. Dog bowl. (chuckles)

Classic.

Ugh, this food looks gross.

- It's very good for you.
- I don't believe you.

Well, who would you believe?

I don't know, Robert Loggia?

♪

Whoa, Robert Loggia!

Mrs. Henderson is right.

Alpo dog food is nutritious
and delicious.

- Thanks, Robert Loggia!
- No problem.

Mind if I take a whiz
in your bathroom?

But you took one
when you got here.

Well, I have to take another.

Stop counting my whizzes.

♪

You know, Brian,
we were wondering,

what do you think
of the name Brian?

-What do you mean?
-Well, we never had
the chance to name you,

so we were thinking something
a bit more sophisticated.

What if we call you Ishmael?

Call me Ishmael?

Ha. See, honey, I told
you he wasn't secretly

a stupid alcoholic fraud.

We love the name.

We heard a really wonderful
lecture on Moby Dick

when we went to TED last summer.

Oh, Ted? Ted 's a classic!

I didn't know you like TED, too?

Well, Ted 2 was just okay.

I mean, I-I wanted to like it.

You know, I came to buy.

Really long courtroom scene,
really long.

I don't think
we saw that TED Talk.

Really? He says the opposite
of things you think he'd say!

I mean, that's kinda...

that's kinda the whole thing.

Stop kicking me, Peter!

Your toenails are so long.

I feel like I'm sleeping
with Mo'Nique.

I'm over here.
I found your vibrator,

and I was holding
my thing up next to it.

I thought they should meet
each other.

Chris, what the hell
are you doing?!

Dad told me to sleep in here.

Sorry, Lois. I just missed
having Brian at the foot

of the bed, so I,
I asked Chris to do it.

Peter, we had sex
20 minutes ago!

Actually, it was 17 minutes ago.

Though neither of you finished,
so technically it's still going.

Just... I-I was very full.

Just, just know that.

Okay, that's it.
This is no way to live.

We need Brian back.

Ah, you're right. I miss him.

I wonder what Brian would say
if he were here right now.

Hey, Peter. I bet
you're secretly,

like, the best
in the world at karate.

Yeah. I am, buddy. Thanks.

And did I hear you just became
Jet Ski President of the World?

Yeah, that's right.

Man, I miss Brian. I got to
figure out how to get him back.

And I hear you're really cool
at sleepovers.

Well, I don't go to bed
if that's what you mean.

(sighs)

♪

Hey, how come,
when I went missing,

you guys didn't keep
looking for me?

Well, we really like to leave
things up to God's will.

Oh, boy.

Ha-ha!

Road House callback!

Road House callback!

I never saw Road House.

It's about kicking!

Hey, Brian. Nice place.

They got one of them soda
fridges in the garage or what?

- I-I don't think so.
- Ah, that's wack.

Hey, thanks for committing
a brutal crime for me, Peter.

You didn't have to do that.

The Hendersons treated me
like a pet.

But you guys treat me
like family.

And I miss that.

Look, Brian, I know
we ain't as "fisticated"

or "smort"
or "intolergant" as them,

but you're still our cat,
you know?

We want you to corn home.

(toilet flushes)

That was just one whiz.

For those of you counting.

Well, it sure is great
to be back home.

I think I finally learned
that I would much rather

be the smartest guy
in a dumb family

than the dumbest guy
in a smart family.

Uh, would we say you're
the smartest guy in our family?

You, uh, you ever invent
a time machine, Brian?

- Grow a brain, dick.
- (knocking)

Hey, Joe. What's up?

Peter, I'm afraid
you're under arrest

for entering another man's home

and kicking both he
and his wife in the head.

But it was from a movie.

Well, that doesn't make
a difference

in the eyes of the law.

But I said the name
of the movie!

Peter, I'd move away
from that as a legal strategy.

Eh, I'll take my chances.

Has the jury reached a verdict?

We have.

Not guilty.

Nobody puts Peter in a corner.

Yay!

I lucked out
with jury selection.

I'm glad everything is back
to average.

Yes, it's happy to be back home.

I, too, am gleeful.

You are improper.

Your hair is like hay.

A horse would eat it.

Go into the wood-burning oven.

(sighs)

I miss our stolen son
in America.

Do you think he remembers us?

Wooden shoe?

(audience laughing)

ANNOUNCER: Familiemaan:
Dutch TV is probably

not that great, we assume?