Family Guy (1998–…): Season 19, Episode 15 - Customer of the Week - full transcript
After feeling unappreciated by the family, Lois taps into her villainous side and attempts to win "Best Customer" at her favorite coffee shop.
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
(alarm beeping)
(alarm off)
(yawns)
(blows raspberry)
Alexa, what's in the news
this morning?
ALEXA:
Here is your morning briefing.
In Washington, D.C.,
Congress has passed a measure..
Alexa, skip to
celebrity birthdays.
Mario Lopez is
47 years old today.
No way!
Someone should tell his face.
I know, right?
(chuckles): Seriously!
Okay, see you later, Alexa.
You're my best friend.
And you're...
you're awesome, Lois.
Best friends.
MEG (calling out):
Hey, Mom, my period started
on the couch.
(takes deep breath)
You wanted to have a family,
you wanted this life.
My shoes are on the roof.
Get 'em.
(children's song playing on TV)
-♪ The driver on the bus peeks
to check his phone ♪
-Come on, move your arm up.
- Up. Close your hand.
- ♪ Check his phone ♪
- Okay, push it through. Good.
- ♪ Check his phone ♪
-Just let me do it.
-♪ The driver on the bus peeks
to check his phone ♪
- Other arm. Almost done.
- ♪ Whoops, he hit a dog ♪
Move your thumb.
Move your thumb. Push.
- There. Done.
- ♪ The driver on the bus ♪
♪ Says, "Shut up, shut up,
shut up ♪
♪ Let me think for a second." ♪
(Lois straining)
Why did you do this?
If they didn't want us
to put our foot down there,
they shouldn't make it
a perfect fit for a toilet shoe.
- Who's "they"?
- Uh, Big Toilet?
"Big Toilet"? Is that a thing?
Shh!
MAN: Welcome back to
the Stuff You Should Just Spend
the Money On podcast.
Today's episode: "Expressing
Your Dog's Anal Glands."
MAN 2: Yeah, you really don't
want to DIY on the anal glands.
Just spend the money.
It can't cost more than,
- I don't know, 30 bucks.
- (Brian grunts)
-MAN: $30 is three months
of Netflix.
-(grunts)
MAN 2: So don't watch
The Crown for three months.
- I like The Crown.
- MAN: What if I like The Crown?
-MAN 2: Watch it all
in one weekend.
-(both grunting)
If you don't finish
a Netflix series in a weekend,
- that's on you.
- Lois, can we just...
can we just kiss a little first?
You know what?
I think it's actually starting
to clear up on its own.
♪ Whoa, Black Betty ♪
♪ Bam-a-lam, hey, Black Betty ♪
♪ Bam-a-lam! ♪
♪
- (horn honks)
- (Lois honks back)
Take a bite out of my ass,
you sack of dirt!
(mellow music playing)
(inhales deeply)
Ah... you made it.
Morning, Kyle, Lisa, Kyle H.
Morning, Lois.
What'll it be this morning?
The usual?
Ah, you know it.
And with the morning I had,
better make it a large.
So the usual.
How are the muffins
this morning, Lisa?
Oh, not the banana nut, 'cause
I know you're allergic to nuts.
(chuckles): That's right, I am.
Good memory.
Well, it's what makes you
so unique.
MAN: Hurry up!
You know, I always thought
that peanut allergies
just went away
when you became an adult.
You know, like tonsils.
Tonsils go away, right?
I thought I read that.
What are tonsils?
Anyway, let me put in my card.
I got one with a chip on it.
It's like we're living
in the Star Wars.
Okay, tip.
I'll do cash.
Good, you heard me.
"Would you like to donate
a cup of coffee
to a soldier overseas?"
Yeah, that seems like
a good cause.
MAN: Hey. Here's your
free cup of coffee
- from a lady in Rhode Island.
- What?
♪
Excuse me. Are you in line
for the bathroom?
- No.
- Oh.
Then move!
- (rattles doorknob)
- Give me the key!
So, how was everybody's day?
- I made the football team...
- Congratulations.
...throw up because I put
cleaner in the Gatorade.
Still pretty good.
You know, the funniest thing
happened to me today.
I go to this coffee shop
every morning,
and they do this fun thing
where every week
they choose
a Customer of the Week.
It's just a silly thing,
which is why it's so fun.
Anyway, I've never been picked.
Which is fine.
The thing is...
Oh, boy.
...I'm friendly, I always tip,
I almost never say anything
when foreigners loudly FaceTime,
and in general,
I'm a pretty good person.
Right?
Yeah. I mean,
you show little patience
for the handicapped at times,
but... yeah.
Yeah, it just,
it just feels like
it should probably be my time.
Well, maybe this'll be
your week.
Oh, you think so?
I don't know.
That-that felt like
the right thing to say,
so I said it.
I do impulsive things.
That's how I ended up getting
Rod Stewart's hair.
Morning, luv.
Mind if I sing a tune
into your vagina?
♪
Everybody,
if we could have your attention,
we'd like to announce this
week's Customer of the Week.
Ah. I've never seen them
do it live. (chuckles)
This must be what it feels like
to see Bruce.
This week's
Customer of the Week is...
Lester!
♪
(sobbing)
(sobbing loudly)
Hey, Bon,
Wednesday Wisdom's live!
- Is it good?
- No.
It's great!
You know what I think
the problem is, Stewie?
I need to show them
that I deserve to be
Customer of the Week.
-You don't.
-Well, they probably see
a woman like me and think,
- "She's got it all."
- They don't.
I know it's
a silly little award,
- but I don't ask for much.
- You do.
And this is the one place,
the one place
that makes me feel happy.
- You aren't.
- I don't understand
what I'm doing wrong.
I-I feel like I really vibe
with everyone there.
- You don't.
- I'm one
of their best customers.
You know,
if I stopped showing up,
they'd probably wonder
where I went.
- They wouldn't.
- Because I'm a nice person.
- You're not.
- I tip in cash.
- So?
- And I can't think of one reason
- why they wouldn't pick me.
- I can.
Oh, thanks for listening,
Stewie.
- I had no choice.
- You know, I'm gonna show them
that I deserve to win
this award.
I need this... just like I needed
my own Gregor
"The Mountain" Clegane.
- Next.
- Hi, Gil.
Uh, can I get...
Pound of honey ham. Cut it thin.
Oh, excuse me,
I believe I was next.
Step aside, lady.
Yeah, hi, Gil.
Can I try a piece
of the pepper turkey?
♪
Here you go.
Anything else today?
Yeah, the coffee,
and you know what?
I'll take that piece of artwork
for sale on the wall.
Really? That's my painting.
Wha...? Is it?
You are very talented.
Well, how much do I owe you?
- $600.
- (chokes) $600?
Do you still want it?
Of course.
(quiet grunt)
It's important to support
local artists
by spending
a year's worth of co-pays
on a painting of a...
(chokes, belches)
(pounding counter)
...bridge.
A ladder and an apple.
A ladder and an apple!
What a theme!
Can you split it
on two debit cards?
- I have a limit.
- I can't really ring it up
on the register.
- It has to be cash.
- (chokes)
Perfect!
♪
- By the way, I told you.
- Told me what?
I told you nobody
could tell I was drinking.
- No one cares.
- I care. I do.
Here, take this. Start recording
right before they say my name.
And hold it landscape,
not portrait.
This is an important moment,
not a fast-food worker fight.
(quietly):
I wish it was
a fast-food worker fight.
- What?
-(loudly): I wish it was
a fast-food worker fight.
Welcome, everybody.
This week's
Customer of the Week is...
...Terry Newcustomer.
Wow, this is so unexpected,
because I'm such a new customer.
Lois, should I stop recording?
Oh, you got a text.
Oh, I clicked it.
Oh, it's Bonnie.
She's responding to you.
Oh, about me.
Oh, I'm reading the old texts.
Oh, I should stop.
Oh, but I can't.
Oh, you're unhappy.
Oh, who's Greg?
Oh, there's Greg.
♪
All right, on three, everyone
say their favorite Spider-Man.
All right? One, two, three.
(saying different Spider-Man
characters and actors)
ALL BUT LOIS: What?!
(Meg, Chris, Peter,
Brian and Stewie arguing)
In fact, there'd be no superhero
movies without Tobey Maguire.
No way!
Garfield never got a chance.
Is Affleck the best Batman?
No. But he had
the best Batman body.
He'll be the first ex-Spider-Man
to win an Oscar.
Just 'cause it's in animation,
people think it's not legit.
(indistinct arguing)
♪
(others continue arguing)
I don't get it!
Wait, Spider-Man?
He's a guy with spider powers.
Can't I have one thing
in my life?
Is that too much to ask?
What is it, do they hate me?
Because astrologically
I'm very compatible
with Kyle H. and Lisa.
I'm a Gemini
and they're both Aquarius,
so we're natural matches!
Kyle is a Virgo,
which doesn't match with Gemini,
but they're supposed
to at least care about people!
What am I missing?
You know, Mom, if you
really want to get noticed,
you should save
one of their lives.
- What?
- There was a kid at school
who got a whole page
in the yearbook dedicated to him
because he saved a kid
who had a peanut allergy.
Peanut allergy?
I have a peanut allergy.
Yeah. This kid accidentally ate
something with peanuts in it
and the other kid came over
and Pulp Fictioned him
with an EpiPen.
Huh...
I can't even touch peanuts.
That kid was a hero.
Hero...
You flush it!
It scares me when it goes away.
Yes... hero.
I'll be a hero,
and then they'll have
to make me Customer of the Week.
Why is this story
all about Mom this week?
What, are we giving
Seth's voice a rest?
(electric guitar riff plays)
Okay, I'll just pour
some of these Planters peanuts
into Lisa's car.
The official peanut
of poisoning
people with allergies.
What? No, she's kidding!
Come on, look at me:
top hat, gloves, shoes,
no other clothes.
I'm a good guy!
Okay, now I wait
for her to get in her car
and start to have a reaction.
Then I'll swoop in
and save her with this EpiPen.
Then I'll be a lock
to be Customer of the Week.
Stewie, you okay back there?
Having fun playing
with Mommy's phone?
Yup. I put
the headphones up my nose,
but I made it work.
Okay, there she is.
She's walking to her car...
she's getting out her keys...
she's starting her car...
driving away?
Damn it, I didn't put
enough peanuts in there.
Oh, shaving cream!
Ooh, shaving cream.
Oh...
shaving cream.
Oh, good.
Oh, shaving cream.
Mom, why are we at the hospital
to visit your barista?
Chris, I promise
that if one of your baristas
ever gets into an accident,
I'll go to the hospital, too.
Okay.
That's all I wanted to hear.
I've got a lot of baristas
who make questionable choices.
Hi, you must be Lisa's mother.
How's she doing?
Did she say what happened?
No, she's mostly just said...
(ghastly moaning)
Oh, that's not a good moan.
Well, apparently,
someone put peanuts in her car
and she's deathly allergic.
Oh, no.
Here are flowers.
STEWIE:
She took those
from a guardrail memorial.
D-Do they have any leads on
who could have done it?
No.
Good. Grief!
"Good grief," is what
Charlie Brown would say here.
Peanuts. Probably
a poor choice of reference.
But they're going to check the
parking lot surveillance tape
to see who did.
Surveillance tape? Good grief!
Uh, who are you again?
I'm a... a very good customer.
Oh, my God, I've got to go.
Exit stage left!
That was a very sad door
to run in to.
What the hell? Lois?
LOIS:
Put the phone down, Kyle H.
...so then
I start hearing people say
there are different levels
of peanut allergies
and I was like, "Levels?"
I mean, when I hear allergy,
I think rash,
not throat-close-car-crash.
Okay, well, I-I'm so glad
that we could talk about this
and that you understand
how we got to where we are.
So, are you gonna let me go?
Yes.
I mean, once I figure out
this whole kerfuffle.
Oh.
Why, are you scared, Kyle H.?
This isn't scary.
I'm a good person.
Now, there are two ways
we can go from here:
you can give me
your absolute trust,
or I can get you hooked
on heroin.
Heroin's not bad.
Not having heroin,
that's what's bad.
Y-You can trust me. It's just...
Just what?
I have a cat.
Someone needs to feed him.
(long inhale)
Now, a bad person
would say "who cares" here.
But since I am a good person,
I will take care of your cat.
Now, open your mouth,
I'm gonna stuff
my son's baseball sock in it.
What the hell? Who are you?
Oh, hello.
Um, hi,
I'm Kyle H.'s cat-sitter.
He didn't tell me
he had roommates
who could feed his cat for him.
Wait, why do you have
his laser pointer
and Heisenberg keychain?
Yeah, his keychain flair is how
he expresses his quirkiness.
He must be in danger!
You can't leave us
like this, lady.
Don't say "lady."
It makes me feel old.
And why is everyone acting
like this is my fault?
If anything,
it's Kyle H.'s fault.
I'm a good person.
People are gonna know
we're gone.
I promised my boyfriend
that I'd...
- Wait, you're gay?
- Yeah.
You sound surprised.
I don't know,
you just don't present as gay.
Oh, so gays "present"?
No, no, no, that's not...
What? I'm woke, okay?
Is he your boyfriend?
No, I'm not gay.
What? But you're roommates.
- So?
- So?!
And that's not weird?
I mean, do you have
your own bathrooms?
- No.
- What, so you just walk around
- like there's nothing
potentially sexual?
- Yeah.
Yeah. I mean,
ever since he joined the gym,
he's really turned
his body around.
But that's not what
I'd be attracted to.
It's more sticking to
his commitment to get healthy.
- That's attractive.
- Aw, thank you, bro.
Mm, you're welcome, bro.
See, this!
I don't know.
I-I guess I'm not woke, okay?
Fine, you win
with your gay stuff.
That's what you want,
right? To win?
Here, drink whatever you
think a day's worth of water is.
Look, what I was trying
to say is that
you can't leave us like this
because I promised my boyfriend
that I'd make a meal for
his grandmother's meal train.
If I don't drop it off, they're
gonna know something's wrong.
(long inhale)
(exhales)
What are you supposed to make?
- Beef Wellington.
- What... Beef Wellington?!
- For tonight?
- Yeah, why?
- Is that hard?
- Yes!
If you're starting
at 2:00 p.m., very! Yes!
Lois, have you seen
the pooping iPad?
I can only go
while watching Tiger King.
- Huh?
- The iPad we use only
while pooping and occasionally
on flights for Stewie.
Ew, I play Elmo's ABCs on that.
Is that why
I keep getting pink eye?
I don't know where it is.
But it's definitely not
in the shed.
So don't even look
back there in the shed.
What, you mean
the earwig fortress? No thanks.
I haven't been in there
since I won the Battle
of the Wheelbarrow.
Nyah-ha!
Too fast and too smart
for you, earwigs.
Now, to continue
clearing the yard...
(monotone):
...collecting moisture
and sleeping in wood.
Hey, Lois, what ever happened to
- that Customer of the Week
thing?
- Th-the what?
The Customer of the Week
at the coffee shop.
Did you ever win?
Why? Why would you
bring that up?
What are you, obsessed with it?
Uh, you...
You had been talking about it...
Oh, so you can hear me
when I say that,
but can't hear me
when I say "get off the couch."
I like to be up by people.
May I be excused to...
(monotone):
bring this plate of moisture
to the crawl space?
Yeah, for the record,
I would rather
drink a sinus infection
than win that stupid award.
It's all rigged anyway.
Did you know that Lester lived
in the same building as Lisa?
How is that fair, huh?
God, what a boring thing
to bring up at dinner, Brian.
I'm going to the sunroom,
and that's where I'll be from
9:00 to 11:00 if anyone asks.
No one come check on me.
You guys want to play spin
the bottle for finger stuff?
Crank this night up a notch?
I'm in.
Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker.
In local news,
two roommates were found
bound and gagged in
their apartment this morning
in what they're calling,
"The Cat-Sitter Tie-er Upper."
Guys, we need to get better
name-comer-upper-withers.
♪
(sirens wail faintly)
♪
Okay.
(indistinct radio chatter)
Lois?
I'm just finishing the dishes.
I'm a good person, Joe.
Sometimes good people
do bad things, Lois.
You can finish the dishes.
Then I gotta take you in.
You can't take her away, Joe!
(whispering)
And you can put in
one load of laundry.
Then I gotta take you in.
(whispering)
After that, you can write
down the Wi-Fi log-in.
Then I gotta take you in.
(whispering)
Where's the peanut butter?
(whispering)
Well, Peter, I think
the main difference is
Chinese people are from China
and Japanese people
are from Japan.
(whispering)
Yes, that's probably why you
were banned from the restaurant.
♪
♪
Good morning.
Ah, what a charming place
this is.
Oh, look, you do
a Customer of the Week.
How cute.
Now, I'll take
a Nitro Cold Brew.
And with the morning I've had,
better make it a large.
Hey, that's funny.
Yeah, I know.
There you go.
And there you go.
Well, you could have said
thank you.
Don't see a lot of
five dollar bills in there.
I must be a pretty good person
to give a five.
that all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
(alarm beeping)
(alarm off)
(yawns)
(blows raspberry)
Alexa, what's in the news
this morning?
ALEXA:
Here is your morning briefing.
In Washington, D.C.,
Congress has passed a measure..
Alexa, skip to
celebrity birthdays.
Mario Lopez is
47 years old today.
No way!
Someone should tell his face.
I know, right?
(chuckles): Seriously!
Okay, see you later, Alexa.
You're my best friend.
And you're...
you're awesome, Lois.
Best friends.
MEG (calling out):
Hey, Mom, my period started
on the couch.
(takes deep breath)
You wanted to have a family,
you wanted this life.
My shoes are on the roof.
Get 'em.
(children's song playing on TV)
-♪ The driver on the bus peeks
to check his phone ♪
-Come on, move your arm up.
- Up. Close your hand.
- ♪ Check his phone ♪
- Okay, push it through. Good.
- ♪ Check his phone ♪
-Just let me do it.
-♪ The driver on the bus peeks
to check his phone ♪
- Other arm. Almost done.
- ♪ Whoops, he hit a dog ♪
Move your thumb.
Move your thumb. Push.
- There. Done.
- ♪ The driver on the bus ♪
♪ Says, "Shut up, shut up,
shut up ♪
♪ Let me think for a second." ♪
(Lois straining)
Why did you do this?
If they didn't want us
to put our foot down there,
they shouldn't make it
a perfect fit for a toilet shoe.
- Who's "they"?
- Uh, Big Toilet?
"Big Toilet"? Is that a thing?
Shh!
MAN: Welcome back to
the Stuff You Should Just Spend
the Money On podcast.
Today's episode: "Expressing
Your Dog's Anal Glands."
MAN 2: Yeah, you really don't
want to DIY on the anal glands.
Just spend the money.
It can't cost more than,
- I don't know, 30 bucks.
- (Brian grunts)
-MAN: $30 is three months
of Netflix.
-(grunts)
MAN 2: So don't watch
The Crown for three months.
- I like The Crown.
- MAN: What if I like The Crown?
-MAN 2: Watch it all
in one weekend.
-(both grunting)
If you don't finish
a Netflix series in a weekend,
- that's on you.
- Lois, can we just...
can we just kiss a little first?
You know what?
I think it's actually starting
to clear up on its own.
♪ Whoa, Black Betty ♪
♪ Bam-a-lam, hey, Black Betty ♪
♪ Bam-a-lam! ♪
♪
- (horn honks)
- (Lois honks back)
Take a bite out of my ass,
you sack of dirt!
(mellow music playing)
(inhales deeply)
Ah... you made it.
Morning, Kyle, Lisa, Kyle H.
Morning, Lois.
What'll it be this morning?
The usual?
Ah, you know it.
And with the morning I had,
better make it a large.
So the usual.
How are the muffins
this morning, Lisa?
Oh, not the banana nut, 'cause
I know you're allergic to nuts.
(chuckles): That's right, I am.
Good memory.
Well, it's what makes you
so unique.
MAN: Hurry up!
You know, I always thought
that peanut allergies
just went away
when you became an adult.
You know, like tonsils.
Tonsils go away, right?
I thought I read that.
What are tonsils?
Anyway, let me put in my card.
I got one with a chip on it.
It's like we're living
in the Star Wars.
Okay, tip.
I'll do cash.
Good, you heard me.
"Would you like to donate
a cup of coffee
to a soldier overseas?"
Yeah, that seems like
a good cause.
MAN: Hey. Here's your
free cup of coffee
- from a lady in Rhode Island.
- What?
♪
Excuse me. Are you in line
for the bathroom?
- No.
- Oh.
Then move!
- (rattles doorknob)
- Give me the key!
So, how was everybody's day?
- I made the football team...
- Congratulations.
...throw up because I put
cleaner in the Gatorade.
Still pretty good.
You know, the funniest thing
happened to me today.
I go to this coffee shop
every morning,
and they do this fun thing
where every week
they choose
a Customer of the Week.
It's just a silly thing,
which is why it's so fun.
Anyway, I've never been picked.
Which is fine.
The thing is...
Oh, boy.
...I'm friendly, I always tip,
I almost never say anything
when foreigners loudly FaceTime,
and in general,
I'm a pretty good person.
Right?
Yeah. I mean,
you show little patience
for the handicapped at times,
but... yeah.
Yeah, it just,
it just feels like
it should probably be my time.
Well, maybe this'll be
your week.
Oh, you think so?
I don't know.
That-that felt like
the right thing to say,
so I said it.
I do impulsive things.
That's how I ended up getting
Rod Stewart's hair.
Morning, luv.
Mind if I sing a tune
into your vagina?
♪
Everybody,
if we could have your attention,
we'd like to announce this
week's Customer of the Week.
Ah. I've never seen them
do it live. (chuckles)
This must be what it feels like
to see Bruce.
This week's
Customer of the Week is...
Lester!
♪
(sobbing)
(sobbing loudly)
Hey, Bon,
Wednesday Wisdom's live!
- Is it good?
- No.
It's great!
You know what I think
the problem is, Stewie?
I need to show them
that I deserve to be
Customer of the Week.
-You don't.
-Well, they probably see
a woman like me and think,
- "She's got it all."
- They don't.
I know it's
a silly little award,
- but I don't ask for much.
- You do.
And this is the one place,
the one place
that makes me feel happy.
- You aren't.
- I don't understand
what I'm doing wrong.
I-I feel like I really vibe
with everyone there.
- You don't.
- I'm one
of their best customers.
You know,
if I stopped showing up,
they'd probably wonder
where I went.
- They wouldn't.
- Because I'm a nice person.
- You're not.
- I tip in cash.
- So?
- And I can't think of one reason
- why they wouldn't pick me.
- I can.
Oh, thanks for listening,
Stewie.
- I had no choice.
- You know, I'm gonna show them
that I deserve to win
this award.
I need this... just like I needed
my own Gregor
"The Mountain" Clegane.
- Next.
- Hi, Gil.
Uh, can I get...
Pound of honey ham. Cut it thin.
Oh, excuse me,
I believe I was next.
Step aside, lady.
Yeah, hi, Gil.
Can I try a piece
of the pepper turkey?
♪
Here you go.
Anything else today?
Yeah, the coffee,
and you know what?
I'll take that piece of artwork
for sale on the wall.
Really? That's my painting.
Wha...? Is it?
You are very talented.
Well, how much do I owe you?
- $600.
- (chokes) $600?
Do you still want it?
Of course.
(quiet grunt)
It's important to support
local artists
by spending
a year's worth of co-pays
on a painting of a...
(chokes, belches)
(pounding counter)
...bridge.
A ladder and an apple.
A ladder and an apple!
What a theme!
Can you split it
on two debit cards?
- I have a limit.
- I can't really ring it up
on the register.
- It has to be cash.
- (chokes)
Perfect!
♪
- By the way, I told you.
- Told me what?
I told you nobody
could tell I was drinking.
- No one cares.
- I care. I do.
Here, take this. Start recording
right before they say my name.
And hold it landscape,
not portrait.
This is an important moment,
not a fast-food worker fight.
(quietly):
I wish it was
a fast-food worker fight.
- What?
-(loudly): I wish it was
a fast-food worker fight.
Welcome, everybody.
This week's
Customer of the Week is...
...Terry Newcustomer.
Wow, this is so unexpected,
because I'm such a new customer.
Lois, should I stop recording?
Oh, you got a text.
Oh, I clicked it.
Oh, it's Bonnie.
She's responding to you.
Oh, about me.
Oh, I'm reading the old texts.
Oh, I should stop.
Oh, but I can't.
Oh, you're unhappy.
Oh, who's Greg?
Oh, there's Greg.
♪
All right, on three, everyone
say their favorite Spider-Man.
All right? One, two, three.
(saying different Spider-Man
characters and actors)
ALL BUT LOIS: What?!
(Meg, Chris, Peter,
Brian and Stewie arguing)
In fact, there'd be no superhero
movies without Tobey Maguire.
No way!
Garfield never got a chance.
Is Affleck the best Batman?
No. But he had
the best Batman body.
He'll be the first ex-Spider-Man
to win an Oscar.
Just 'cause it's in animation,
people think it's not legit.
(indistinct arguing)
♪
(others continue arguing)
I don't get it!
Wait, Spider-Man?
He's a guy with spider powers.
Can't I have one thing
in my life?
Is that too much to ask?
What is it, do they hate me?
Because astrologically
I'm very compatible
with Kyle H. and Lisa.
I'm a Gemini
and they're both Aquarius,
so we're natural matches!
Kyle is a Virgo,
which doesn't match with Gemini,
but they're supposed
to at least care about people!
What am I missing?
You know, Mom, if you
really want to get noticed,
you should save
one of their lives.
- What?
- There was a kid at school
who got a whole page
in the yearbook dedicated to him
because he saved a kid
who had a peanut allergy.
Peanut allergy?
I have a peanut allergy.
Yeah. This kid accidentally ate
something with peanuts in it
and the other kid came over
and Pulp Fictioned him
with an EpiPen.
Huh...
I can't even touch peanuts.
That kid was a hero.
Hero...
You flush it!
It scares me when it goes away.
Yes... hero.
I'll be a hero,
and then they'll have
to make me Customer of the Week.
Why is this story
all about Mom this week?
What, are we giving
Seth's voice a rest?
(electric guitar riff plays)
Okay, I'll just pour
some of these Planters peanuts
into Lisa's car.
The official peanut
of poisoning
people with allergies.
What? No, she's kidding!
Come on, look at me:
top hat, gloves, shoes,
no other clothes.
I'm a good guy!
Okay, now I wait
for her to get in her car
and start to have a reaction.
Then I'll swoop in
and save her with this EpiPen.
Then I'll be a lock
to be Customer of the Week.
Stewie, you okay back there?
Having fun playing
with Mommy's phone?
Yup. I put
the headphones up my nose,
but I made it work.
Okay, there she is.
She's walking to her car...
she's getting out her keys...
she's starting her car...
driving away?
Damn it, I didn't put
enough peanuts in there.
Oh, shaving cream!
Ooh, shaving cream.
Oh...
shaving cream.
Oh, good.
Oh, shaving cream.
Mom, why are we at the hospital
to visit your barista?
Chris, I promise
that if one of your baristas
ever gets into an accident,
I'll go to the hospital, too.
Okay.
That's all I wanted to hear.
I've got a lot of baristas
who make questionable choices.
Hi, you must be Lisa's mother.
How's she doing?
Did she say what happened?
No, she's mostly just said...
(ghastly moaning)
Oh, that's not a good moan.
Well, apparently,
someone put peanuts in her car
and she's deathly allergic.
Oh, no.
Here are flowers.
STEWIE:
She took those
from a guardrail memorial.
D-Do they have any leads on
who could have done it?
No.
Good. Grief!
"Good grief," is what
Charlie Brown would say here.
Peanuts. Probably
a poor choice of reference.
But they're going to check the
parking lot surveillance tape
to see who did.
Surveillance tape? Good grief!
Uh, who are you again?
I'm a... a very good customer.
Oh, my God, I've got to go.
Exit stage left!
That was a very sad door
to run in to.
What the hell? Lois?
LOIS:
Put the phone down, Kyle H.
...so then
I start hearing people say
there are different levels
of peanut allergies
and I was like, "Levels?"
I mean, when I hear allergy,
I think rash,
not throat-close-car-crash.
Okay, well, I-I'm so glad
that we could talk about this
and that you understand
how we got to where we are.
So, are you gonna let me go?
Yes.
I mean, once I figure out
this whole kerfuffle.
Oh.
Why, are you scared, Kyle H.?
This isn't scary.
I'm a good person.
Now, there are two ways
we can go from here:
you can give me
your absolute trust,
or I can get you hooked
on heroin.
Heroin's not bad.
Not having heroin,
that's what's bad.
Y-You can trust me. It's just...
Just what?
I have a cat.
Someone needs to feed him.
(long inhale)
Now, a bad person
would say "who cares" here.
But since I am a good person,
I will take care of your cat.
Now, open your mouth,
I'm gonna stuff
my son's baseball sock in it.
What the hell? Who are you?
Oh, hello.
Um, hi,
I'm Kyle H.'s cat-sitter.
He didn't tell me
he had roommates
who could feed his cat for him.
Wait, why do you have
his laser pointer
and Heisenberg keychain?
Yeah, his keychain flair is how
he expresses his quirkiness.
He must be in danger!
You can't leave us
like this, lady.
Don't say "lady."
It makes me feel old.
And why is everyone acting
like this is my fault?
If anything,
it's Kyle H.'s fault.
I'm a good person.
People are gonna know
we're gone.
I promised my boyfriend
that I'd...
- Wait, you're gay?
- Yeah.
You sound surprised.
I don't know,
you just don't present as gay.
Oh, so gays "present"?
No, no, no, that's not...
What? I'm woke, okay?
Is he your boyfriend?
No, I'm not gay.
What? But you're roommates.
- So?
- So?!
And that's not weird?
I mean, do you have
your own bathrooms?
- No.
- What, so you just walk around
- like there's nothing
potentially sexual?
- Yeah.
Yeah. I mean,
ever since he joined the gym,
he's really turned
his body around.
But that's not what
I'd be attracted to.
It's more sticking to
his commitment to get healthy.
- That's attractive.
- Aw, thank you, bro.
Mm, you're welcome, bro.
See, this!
I don't know.
I-I guess I'm not woke, okay?
Fine, you win
with your gay stuff.
That's what you want,
right? To win?
Here, drink whatever you
think a day's worth of water is.
Look, what I was trying
to say is that
you can't leave us like this
because I promised my boyfriend
that I'd make a meal for
his grandmother's meal train.
If I don't drop it off, they're
gonna know something's wrong.
(long inhale)
(exhales)
What are you supposed to make?
- Beef Wellington.
- What... Beef Wellington?!
- For tonight?
- Yeah, why?
- Is that hard?
- Yes!
If you're starting
at 2:00 p.m., very! Yes!
Lois, have you seen
the pooping iPad?
I can only go
while watching Tiger King.
- Huh?
- The iPad we use only
while pooping and occasionally
on flights for Stewie.
Ew, I play Elmo's ABCs on that.
Is that why
I keep getting pink eye?
I don't know where it is.
But it's definitely not
in the shed.
So don't even look
back there in the shed.
What, you mean
the earwig fortress? No thanks.
I haven't been in there
since I won the Battle
of the Wheelbarrow.
Nyah-ha!
Too fast and too smart
for you, earwigs.
Now, to continue
clearing the yard...
(monotone):
...collecting moisture
and sleeping in wood.
Hey, Lois, what ever happened to
- that Customer of the Week
thing?
- Th-the what?
The Customer of the Week
at the coffee shop.
Did you ever win?
Why? Why would you
bring that up?
What are you, obsessed with it?
Uh, you...
You had been talking about it...
Oh, so you can hear me
when I say that,
but can't hear me
when I say "get off the couch."
I like to be up by people.
May I be excused to...
(monotone):
bring this plate of moisture
to the crawl space?
Yeah, for the record,
I would rather
drink a sinus infection
than win that stupid award.
It's all rigged anyway.
Did you know that Lester lived
in the same building as Lisa?
How is that fair, huh?
God, what a boring thing
to bring up at dinner, Brian.
I'm going to the sunroom,
and that's where I'll be from
9:00 to 11:00 if anyone asks.
No one come check on me.
You guys want to play spin
the bottle for finger stuff?
Crank this night up a notch?
I'm in.
Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker.
In local news,
two roommates were found
bound and gagged in
their apartment this morning
in what they're calling,
"The Cat-Sitter Tie-er Upper."
Guys, we need to get better
name-comer-upper-withers.
♪
(sirens wail faintly)
♪
Okay.
(indistinct radio chatter)
Lois?
I'm just finishing the dishes.
I'm a good person, Joe.
Sometimes good people
do bad things, Lois.
You can finish the dishes.
Then I gotta take you in.
You can't take her away, Joe!
(whispering)
And you can put in
one load of laundry.
Then I gotta take you in.
(whispering)
After that, you can write
down the Wi-Fi log-in.
Then I gotta take you in.
(whispering)
Where's the peanut butter?
(whispering)
Well, Peter, I think
the main difference is
Chinese people are from China
and Japanese people
are from Japan.
(whispering)
Yes, that's probably why you
were banned from the restaurant.
♪
♪
Good morning.
Ah, what a charming place
this is.
Oh, look, you do
a Customer of the Week.
How cute.
Now, I'll take
a Nitro Cold Brew.
And with the morning I've had,
better make it a large.
Hey, that's funny.
Yeah, I know.
There you go.
And there you go.
Well, you could have said
thank you.
Don't see a lot of
five dollar bills in there.
I must be a pretty good person
to give a five.