Family Guy (1998–…): Season 19, Episode 14 - The Marrying Kind - full transcript

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Guys, sorry I'm late.

I was watching The Muppet Show
with Stewie.



♪ It's time to play the music ♪

♪ It's time to light
the lights ♪

♪ It's time to meet
the Muppets ♪

♪ On The Muppet Show tonight ♪

What's that from?

♪ It's time to put on makeup ♪

♪ It's time to dress up right ♪

♪ It's time to raise
the curtain ♪

♪ On The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ Why do we always come here? ♪

♪ I guess we'll never know ♪

♪ It's like some kind
of torture ♪

♪ To have to watch the show ♪

♪ But now
let's get things started ♪



♪ Why don't you get
things started? ♪

♪ It's time
to get things started ♪

♪ On the most sensational,
inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call ♪

♪ The Muppet Show.

(blows sour note)

Did you guys just make that up?

Fellas, I want to introduce you
to my fiancée Rachel.

She's a wonderful woman,

and she's Madeleine Albright's
niece.

Oh, pleasure
to meet you, Rachel.

No! If you want to shake hands,

put a sheet over that thing.

I know it's last minute,
but we got a great deal

and you're all invited
to our wedding this Thursday...

- I can't go.
- ...in New Orleans.

By myself.
I have to bring my family.

-I'm in! -Yes! -Way in!

Ah, New Orleans, combining
the luck of Puerto Rico

with the mosquitoes of Haiti.

(whoops) New Orleans.

I can't wait to get up
on a balcony

and bust out the twins. (laughs)

Did you hear what I said, Meg?

I said I can't wait
to get up on a balcony

- and bust out the...
- Yeah, I heard you.

Feels a little "hoo-mid."

What, what's that?

♪

Oh, every morning
from 7:00 to 10:00

we serve
a complimentary breakfast.

Complimentary breakfast?

Imagine the possibilities.

♪

Wow.

- Can I get you a cup of coffee?
- Coffee?

Imagine the possibilities.

♪

Wow.

(liquid splashing)

♪ It's time to swim in coffee ♪

♪ It's time to flutter kick. ♪

How did that Muppet song
get in my head?

♪ It's time to play the music ♪

♪ It's time to light... ♪

Oh, yeah, it was playing
when we Inception-ed.

♪

The bride and groom
have written their own vows.

PETER: Oh, no.

Rachel, I love you.

And today we merge our lives,
our hearts,

and our fraudulent
home businesses.

Mort, may my plantar fasciitis
act like the roots

for our tree of love.

We will reshape
our lives together

just as socks reshape
my calves daily.

I am so happy to be merging
the napkins in my pockets

with the napkins
in your pockets.

Rachel, with you by my side

there is no Christmas display
that I can't sue the city over.

I vow to keep you nourished
by filling our home

with the worst wine in the world

and preparing potatoes
and applesauce.

Just like nobody.

And I vow to adorn our walls

with only brown art
from the '70s.

Mort, we're two peas in a pod.

We just go together.

You are the plastic covering
to my furniture.

And you are
the little spit bubble

in the corner of my mouth.

Mort, you are my forever person.

Aw.

May we continue
to have no respect

for other drivers on the road

and view stop signs
as suggestions.

And, Rachel,
you are my forever person.

Aw.

And may my dead ex-wife's

uncle's Netflix account continue

to be fruitful to us
for many years to come.

Mort, do you take Rachel

to be your wife in sickness
and in sickness?

I Jew.

And, Rachel, do you take Mort

to be your husband
in bad times and bad?

I Jew, too.

(applause)

Stewie, what's
going on with you?

I just found all that
very moving.

- Really?
- Yes, I had no idea

marriage could be
that beautiful.

There really is somebody
for everybody.

Even Helen Keller
had her tailor.

$100, please,
blind and deaf lady!

(sighs) Always nice coming back
to your own house, huh?

This isn't your house.
It's my dad's.

I have a package
for Stewie Griffin.

- Day just starting or ending?
- Smack dab in the middle.

Oh, dude. Brutal.

Well, welcome to the back nine.

I can't believe this worked.

I'm Stewie.
I'm going to be your husband.

- Zlata.
- We're such each other's
forever people.

Brian, I'd like you
to meet my fiancée

that I ordered from the Ukraine,
the soon-to-be Zlata Griffin.

Is that...
Is there a dead body in there?

Yeah, they send two
in case one dies.

She was sister.

Looks like her arm
was gnawed off.

Babe, you don't have
to eat people. We got food.

Stewie, this is crazy.

You can't marry that woman.
You don't even know her.

I know she can disassemble

and reassemble a rifle
in 15 seconds.

- How does that matter...
- I know it's adorable

that she thinks we're gonna see
Whoopi Goldberg

- everywhere we go.
- Stewie...

I hear Whoopi Goldberg out here?

Z and Bri, my two favorites.

I-I don't even...

Zlata, what...
Why would you marry a baby?

In my country,
everyone I know blows up.

She wanted to leave,
I had 200 bucks.

Boom, we're each other's
forever people.

Are there any more options
for breakfast, Mom?

Bread without whole walnuts
in it? Yuck.

What's going on with you two?

Well, it's just,
hotel living got us accustomed

to having multiple
breakfast options.

Yeah, we're like when astronauts
come back from space

and can't fit back in with
society, but with breakfasts.

Well, I'd advise you space
cadets to come back to Earth,

because I'm only
making one thing.

(laughs): Okay.
Meg, did you hear what I said?

I said I'd advise
you space cadets to come back

- to Earth because...
- Yeah, I heard you!

(shatters)

You know, there is
a Best Western in Quahog.

Well, yeah, but don't we need
a room key to get breakfast?

You mean like this one?

Oh, you dog.

Grab your coat,
we're going to the Best Western.

I don't need my coat; it's hot.

Get your (bleep) coat now!

That's the gatekeeper.

We just show her the key
and we get free food.

Yep, just keep it simple.

Now, if asked,
we're brothers from Sweden,

same mom, different dad.

Well, shouldn't it be same dad,

- different mom?
- No, no, no.

The Swedes have a very long
fertility window, Chris.

Trust me on this.
Remember, big accent.

Hey, guys, FYI, breakfast
is closing in five minutes.

BOTH: Ja.

We're doing it, Chris.
Our cover story is working.

I'm looking
for a pair of half brothers

with different fathers
from Finland.

BOTH: Haloo?

- (man groans)
- (thudding)

It's done.

This is why Sweden, Chris.

- Never Finland.
- I'll never doubt you again.

Good. Now grab a yogurt
that's way smaller

than you knew they made yogurts.

And you grab an orange juice
that doesn't taste

like orange juice,
but like someone described

the taste of orange juice
to an alien.

- I better get going.
- Have good day at work, husband.

Mwah. Babe,
you're too good to me.

I just left
my car in stall four.

- Perfect. I can
take it from here.
- Okay, great.

And I apologize,
but my son threw up in the back.

Okay, it's no problem,
we can clean that up for you.

Thanks, you're the best.

Hey, Levi, we got a backseat
vomit in the maroon PT Cruiser.

Levi?

Levi? Levi?

(sighs)

Hey, uh, so, I'm really sorry,
but I-I threw up

- all over the front seat.
- Not a problem.

Thanks, man. Late for a flight.

Levi?

Levi? Levi?

(gags)

Hey, I accidentally barfed
in my car.

They told me
I could leave it here?

- Yeah. I'll clean it.
- Thanks.

I got to catch my flight.

♪

Levi? Levi?

Uh, this one looks good.
The, uh, second cheapest one.

I'd actually recommend
that first Cab there.

- Sound good.
- I love Cab.

That second cheapest
one sounds great, too.

We'll take that one.

Indulge me
in one more work story?

So, last week I put
this nice family in a Sonata.

Those are supposed
to be great cars.

(chuckles):
Actually, uh, yeah...

They're-they're not great.
They're okay.

Anyway, he says he'll fill the
car up before he brings it back.

He opts out of buying our gas.

Which is, like, ten percent
of less than anywhere in town.

That's right, babe.

But that's his prerogative,
as Mitch says.

Mitch is my manager.

So, fast-forward
to this morning.

I get the car back,
I check the tank.

Three-quarters full.
Quahog, we have a problem.

(laughs)
Stewie, you're so funny.

It's from a movie.

Anyway, that's a 150% markup.

Turns out he was late
for a flight and figured

it's worth it to eat
the nine bucks.

So, yeah, a Wednesday
I won't soon be forgetting.

- One check fine?
-$15 on this,
the rest on theirs.

- I like them.
- Hmm?

Aaron and Shauna.
They're nice. I like them.

-Yeah.
-It's comfortable
going out with people

in the same socioeconomic class
as us, you know?

I mean, I love the Burtons,
but I don't really like

to go to dinner parties
in apartments.

Apartment no worse
than room in house.

You're having a lot
of those tonight.

I think there's
a new This Is Us.

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

Babe, no. Our show.

(grunting)

What's Kate up to this week?

Losing weight with Toby maybe?

Why you not have sex with me?

No, I know. I totally want to.

It's just,
it's our show, you know?

We watch show later.

Uh, and we sleep... when?

Uh, th-there's just
only so many hours in the day.

- You know?
- No more putting off.

Sex now.

Wait, wait, wait.
Black man in glasses?

Yes, yes.
It's a Sterling Brown episode.

I like Black man in glasses.

Okay, now we don't have
a room key for this hotel,

so follow my lead.

They didn't even ask
at the last place.

Yeah, but we had one
and we carried ourselves

- with key card confidence.
- So, what's the plan?

- Let's try hello.
- Got it.

Good morning,
how may I help you?

Hello...

Good morning,
I'm staying here with my son,

the Guinness record holder
for longest hello.

We were just wondering,
where's your breakfast buffet?

- Just through those doors.
- Thank you.

...o...

- What is it?
- Nothing, it's just...

(chuckles)
...this job is so cool.

♪

♪

My God, Chris, look.

The crown jewel
of hotel breakfasts.

The Suites. At The Point.

At The Quahog.

At The Harbor.

At The Promenade.

At the goofy squirrel.

I'm not a part of the sign.

But I am a little nutty.
(laughs)

- That's our next target.
- I don't like it.

I hear that breakfast buffet
is like Fort Knox.

I'll figure out a way in.

After all, I snuck into
Bryan Singer's birthday party.

(dance music playing)

Excuse me, how old are you?

Not of legal age
anywhere in the world.

Have fun, tell whoever you want.

Weirdly, no one
cares about this.

(knocking on door)

Hey. Is Stewie around?

- No, he's still at work.
- Cool. Cool.

Uh, can you just let him
know I stopped by?

You can stay and wait for him.

Yeah, no, I'm just...
I'm just late for my thing.

I hear you are famous writer.

I want to talk your book.

I have Dasani water bottle
full of Rite Aid vodka.

I could chat for a second.

Every damn Wednesday.

Sorry I'm so late, babe.
Levi no-showed again...

(glass shatters)

Uh, hey, Stewie.

Brian? What the hell?

That's my wife, man.
Get off her.

- Stewie, wait, I-I can explain.
- What's there to explain, Brian?

- You...
- (phone ringing, vibrating)

Hello?
Levi, where you been, man?

Look, I already gave you
a verbal warning,

so I'm gonna have
to write you up.

Levi, don't call me that.
Don't-don't use that word.

Stop-stop using that word.

I already warned you
about calling me that

at the last staff meeting.

Okay, now that's strike two,
Levi.

I can, too, give strikes.

Mitch said I can give strikes.
Don't call Mitch that.

Listen, I can't talk
about this right now.

My dog is banging my wife.

I'm not gonna write him up.
He's the only one strong enough

to change the water jugs.

Look, Stewie, I'm sorry.

I honestly didn't think
you'd care.

It's not like
you're having sex with her.

I know, right? Once they say
"I do," they don't.

Stewie, don't be mad.

Don't be mad?

I'm driving all over New England

picking up rigs
and scrubbing upholstery

so I can take you
to nice places,

and you're in bed with my friend
pitching woo?

I'll show you what happens
to guys who touch my wife

with this Mike Moustakas
signature bat.

Geez, they're getting
rather loosey-goosey

with signature bats.

(yelling)

Stewie play ball?

- Stewie, wait.
- (laughs): Aw.

A boy and his dog.

You play doctor
with my wife, Bri?

You show her yours?

She show you hers?

Those are private parts.

We don't touch private parts.

Did you kiss butts?
Did you, Bri?

I kiss butts with a lot of
people, but, Stewie, I'm sorry.

I guess I just got
carried away in the moment.

Well, I'm getting
a little carried away right now.

Bad one to miss on right there.

Do I even need to ask,
have you had your cooties shot?

- Stewie, come on.
- Just answer me, man.

Circle, circle, dot, dot,
now I've got the cooties shot.

You can't get it here.

(crying):
It has to be at school.

Well, Dad, we did it.

We sure did, Chris.

What did we do again?

- He passed him a note.
- What's it say?

Okay, it's okay.
Just let them keep talking.

He'll mess up...
Why is he getting up?

Why is he getting up?

He's on the move.

♪

- What do you got?
- I got nothing.

Are you kidding me?

(wheels squeaking)

CHRIS:
They never did catch my dad,

but I wasn't so lucky.

GUARD: That's breakfast, ladies.

I was sentenced to 12 to 15
years for hotel breakfast crim.

But I wouldn't snitch
on the old man.

PETER:
Hey, give me that oatmeal.

♪

In the end,
Dad figured out a way

we could keep
eating breakfast together.

We just had to kill
a guard or two.

Actually, we had
to kill a bunch of guards.

It was bad.

It became a so-so
Netflix documentary

that Mort and Rachel
were able to watch

with his dead wife's
uncle's password.

Why always we come only here?

(chuckles) Babe,
when-when you find gold,

you don't then, like,
go looking for silver.

Stewie, why are we here?

Look, Brian,
you're my best friend.

Zlata, you're my wife.

Mistakes have been made,
but we need to move forward.

- We all agree on that?
- So, you forgive me?

Well, I've been thinking
about this situation,

and I have a proposal for you.

I want you to sleep
with my wife again.

What?

I want you to have
no-ties sex with my wife.

But that's it.
If you think for one second

that you're gonna take her
to a museum, think again.

- You blew that chance.
- Um...

I'm talking like, right when
you're done boning, you're gone.

Stew Man comes in
for the cuddles.

Stew Man cleans up wet spots.

You don't get to do that.
Not after what you did.

Uh, I'm-I'm a little confused.

Look, together we're kind of
the perfect husband.

While you're banging her,
I'm walking with a shoebox

full of our receipts
to H&R Block.

So, y-you just want
the crappy parts of marriage?

My friend, we have
a very different idea

of what that is.

And I'm serious,
if I catch you pulling

one hair tie from her jeans
pocket before you do laundry,

I'll break your arm, man.

Okay, Stewie, I-I guess I'm in.

- Just one thing.
- What's that?

I'm gonna need
some more breadsticks.

(all laughing)

ANNOUNCER: Macaroni Grill.

Come arrange your cuckolding
agreement here.

Hey, Stewie, where's Zlata?

It's over. She left.

I'm boxing up her underwear.

She would just take them off

and kick them into the corner
of the room.

- Hey, Stewie.
- Hey, Doug.

Oh, I heard about Splitsville.

Uh, that's why I prefer
the bachelor life:

just me, my big wheel,

and the doll
I draw private parts on.

I hear you.

I like to put rocks
in cups, Stewie.

You can't really do that with
some gnat buzzing in your ear.

Do you shake the cup?

Not sure what else you do
with rocks in a cup.

God, he's so (bleep) cool.
I hate it.

Well, there's only one thing
left for me to do.

- You can take this job and...
- ALL: Surprise!

Me? Yes, yes. Thank you.

(crying): You don't know
how much I needed this today.

You're all right, Griffin.

- Levi...
- For a (bleep).

Stop using that word.