Family Guy (1998–…): Season 18, Episode 8 - Shanksgiving - full transcript

¶ It seems today
that all you see ¶

¶ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ¶

¶ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ¶

¶ On which we used to rely? ¶

¶ Lucky there's a family guy ¶

¶ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ¶

¶ All the things that make us ¶

¶ Laugh and cry ¶

¶ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ¶

ANNOUNCER: Coming this winter:
actors who don't look familiar

in shows you're pretty sure
you've never heard of



on networks you've
definitely never heard of.

First, it's The Marriage Man
on Geego Audience Prime Plus.

Then Frenemy on Goldstar.

And don't forget The
J. Tory Hampton Show on Traxx.

Lump Monkeys on Forge.

Comeuppance on LFR America.

Tattle Babies on Blitz Kids.

And Snapchatters on Perspire.

Who's watching them?

Probably no one.

Are they comedies or dramas?

We're not even sure.

Turn your office watercooler

into a modern-day
Tower of Babel.



-The Marriage Man!
-Frenemy!
-Lump Monkeys!

-Snapchatters!
-The J. Tory Hampton Show!
-Lump Monkeys!

(shouting continues)

Gay Paree!

ANNOUNCER:
TV: what a mess.

Hi, everybody.

You know how I've been dieting

like a maniac
the last couple weeks?

Aw, damn it, that means
we're having people over.

We're having people over!

I just got off the phone
with my mom,

and all the Pewterschmidts are
coming here for Thanksgiving.

I can't believe
you invited the whole family.

You know I hate
big Thanksgivings.

Don't worry, Peter,
it's gonna be fun.

And I can handle
most of the prep myself.

I just need you
to go to the market

and get some extra napkins.

- That's not so bad.
- Oh. Pick up some wine
for the adults.

- I can do that.
- A-And put the extra leaf
in the dining room table.

(bleep)

Oh, stop it.
It's so simple.

Yeah, right. That table
ain't been opened in five years.

It'll be fine. Just don't drink
while you do it.

And for God's sake, don't lose
your temper with Chris.

All right, one, two, three.

Hup!

(metal screeches)

One more time.

Hup!

(metal screeches)

Okay, all right, bend the knees.

Let's give it a good pull.

- Hup!
- (metal screeches)

Yeah, I think one side is stuck.

Do you, son?
Okay, on three.

One, two, three.

- Hup!
- (metal screeches)

Hup! Hup!

Hup! Hup! Hup!

(both panting)

I think it's still stuck.

Oh, is that right?

Lot of narration.

It's like opening a table
with Ken Burns.

Um, why don't you go easy
on that stuff?

This "stuff" is
the only thing stopping you

from getting
so karate-chopped right now.

Okay, big pull, on three.

All right, one, two, three.

Hup!

It's this one side,
it's just stuck.

I know it's stuck!

Everyone sees it's stuck!

Are there voices you're hearing
shouting, "It's not stuck"?

'Cause if you hear any argument

from anybody who says
it isn't stuck,

you send them to me, and I will
so karate-chop them in the face!

Got it?!

I'm not sure that that's...

What?!
What aren't you sure about?

Hup!

Hup! Hup! Hup!

Hey, Chris. Table looks stuck.

Oh, really?
"Sky blue," says star witness.

You know what's crazy
about this time of year?

Everything is pumpkin spice.

We all follow
your Twitter feed, Joe.

God, Thanksgiving
is such a pain in the ass.

I hate hosting.

I hear you, Peter.
I hate Thanksgiving, too.

Bonnie's sister is married
to a real show-off.

Denise, Wendell,
it's great to see you.

(motor whirring)

- Wendell.
- COMPUTER VOICE: Joseph.

It's just Joe.
I think you know that.

My Thanksgiving's
also a nightmare.

Donna's cousins are two-thirds
of Tony! Toni! Toné!

- Which ones?
- The "E" and the "I."

Aw, no Tony with a "Y."

That is correct.

We lack the alpha Tony.

Well, at least you guys
celebrate with your families.

Last year I spent Thanksgiving
with my old blow-up sex dolls.

Here you go, Carla.

See? We can do
other things together.

How's the turkey?
I made it myself.

Oh, don't look so surprised.

(air hissing)

Ah. Someone's getting sleepy.

Must be the tryptophan.

I'll put a pot of coffee on.

Janet, coffee? Carla, coffee?

Dina, coffee? Sasha, coffee?

Dad, coffee?

I wish I had given you
more siblings, Glenn.

You know, sometimes I envy
the guys in the town jail.

They get a turkey dinner
on Quahog

and don't have the hassle
of hosting their families.

Well, yeah,
but they're in prison.

Nah, jail isn't prison.
Prison is big and scary.

Jail is just a sleeping deputy
with keys that can be grabbed

by a long broom handle
or a mischievous dog.

Do black people ever go to jail?

No. They go to prison.

Well, maybe going to jail
is what we should do.

- Peter, that's ridiculous.
- H-H-Hear me out, hear me out.

We'll commit a small crime

and get put in jail
for a couple days.

- That's insane!
- Peter, Peter, you're crazy!

-Ridiculous!
-Unconscionable!
-Lump Monkeys!

-Have you lost your mind?
-That's crazy!
-Lump Monkeys!

All right, Joe,
there's chaos at the top.

Time to step up
and be the leader

- of this group of friends.
- PETER: Lump Monkeys!

Guys, what if we all go
to Vermont?

Let's just do Peter's thing.

Okay, if we want to
get arrested,

the best way to do it is
to get caught on the Ring app

stealing people's packages.

(no audio)

I forgot to steal the package.

I think this is
probably enough.

I don't know exactly
what this is,

but this... this is crime.

MAN:
Swanson!

Police Superintendent Chalmers.

My brother is superintendent
of the schools in Springfield.

Our parents divorced
when we were very young.

I was raised entirely
by our mother,

he by our father.

We've never met.
There's a lot of backstory.

And you four
are under arrest.

(all gasp)

I can't believe the plan worked.

Here we are,
the city jail.

What's going on?
Why aren't we stopping?

You guys think you're the
first ones to have this idea?

The jail's already full of dads
getting out of Thanksgiving.

Well, if we're not going
to Quahog jail,

where are we going?

The only place where
there's room for the weekend:

the state penitentiary.

You guys thinking
what I'm thinking?

Wacky mug shot montage.

(upbeat music playing)

¶ ¶

Hey, uh, are my friends coming?

No, they're all calling lawyers.

You used your one call on
this party photo booth guy.

Eh, we'll see who has
more fun this weekend.

¶ ¶

Yeah, it just doesn't
seem right.

We're in here,
and everyone on Wall Street

is free as a bird.

Joe, now is not the time for
your bland political musings.

This sucks. The courts are
closed for Thanksgiving,

which means we can't even
go before a judge till Monday.

That's five whole days here.

What the hell
are we gonna do?

Well, if we're congress,
we'll do nothing.

All right, that one was sharp.
Good job, Joe.

And you know, maybe-maybe prison
won't be so bad.

Maybe we just got to
make the best of it.

Like those guys
over there. Look.

They're playing leapfrog.
No one's jumping, though.

And that guy in the back
definitely has to get up higher.

Who taught these guys
how to play?

Peter, please stop watching it.

Guys, I think we're
in trouble here.

Come on, we're gonna be fine.

Joe, you should be
more terrified than any of us.

What if someone figures out
you're a cop?

It's not gonna happen.
I spent years undercover.

I'm a master of disguise.

What? You're in a wheelchair.

You can't disguise yourself
as anything.

(imitating Chris):
Is that so, Dad?

Chris? But that's impossible.

I've seen Chris standing up
many times.

(as Chris):
Have you?

Hey, Chris, I got two tickets
for the Sox.

- Want to go?
- You got it, Dad.

Oh, charley horse.

Oh, another charley horse, huh?

Well, you sit tight, Chris.

I can just take Joe's
brother-in-law Wendell.

COMPUTER VOICE:
Christopher.

It's just Chris.
I think you know that.

The conjugal visit room
is being used.

So, does your foot reach?

Peter, enough.
You ruined Thanksgiving.

I have to host 20 people
by myself.

- You smoke now?
- Yeah.

I have a husband in prison.

That's who smokes, genius.

Stewie, why do you look like
1976 Elton John?

I'm trying to keep
a low profile.

You know that old
sitcom premise

where the kid has
two dates to the prom?

Well, I, um...

I may sorta, kinda be engaged
to four prisoners.

You're what?
Stewie, that's crazy.

Oh, relax, Brian,
I'm just humoring them.

It's not serious.

Stewie, don't forget,

we're meeting DJs tomorrow.

Sure thing, Clint.

His mother thinks
it's her wedding.

But we'll see.

How did you even meet
these guys?

Easily.
They were my pen pals.

You have prison pen pals?

Yes. A lot of people
write prisoners.

Even Hollywood celebrity
Kal Penn.

Kal Penn writes a prisoner?

Yeah. Ken.
Lives in California.

You've never heard of
Kal Penn's pen pal Ken

in the Cal pen?

How could I possibly
have heard of Kal Penn's

pen pal Ken in the Cal pen?

Through this song.

¶ Well, I do get a yen
every now and then ¶

¶ To pick up a pen,
like my pal Kal Penn ¶

¶ And a note I will send
every now and again ¶

¶ To my pal Big Ben
who is locked in the pen ¶

¶ 'Cause he beat up some men
and he got five to ten ¶

¶ And he'll do it again ¶

¶ Dah, dah, dah-dah-dah ¶

¶ Kal Penn. ¶

- Who was that for?
- What are you talking about?

Phil Spector's in this prison.

Kid, I know talent and shooting
waitresses in the mouth,

and you've got talent.

We're gonna make a record.

¶ ¶

God, every crevice
of this prison is terrifying.

Eh, it's not so bad.

I made one-eye contact
with Bill Cosby.

Well, well, well.

Three "wells" is never
a good sign.

- I think you guys
have our lunches.
- Called it.

Uh, sorry, sir.
We don't want any trouble.

Yeah, we-we'll sit
somewhere else.

Come on, guys,
let's avoid confrontation.

And whatever happens,

let's make sure
we're not goaded into fights

by simple playground taunts.

Damn.
I was hoping for chicken.

Nobody calls me chicken.

- Peter, no!
- (blows landing)

Aw, damn it,
I lost a front tooth.

Well, hopefully
in the prison yearbook

I'll just look
like a cute kindergartner.

PETER (reading):

I'm starving.

We haven't eaten
since we got here.

That's 'cause other prisoners
keep taking our meals.

And God knows what else
they're gonna do to us.

We have three more days here,

and we're not gonna survive
three more minutes.

That's 'cause
you don't have a gang

- to protect you.
- A gang?

Yeah, when you're in a gang,
no one will mess with you.

That's why everyone joins one.

I used to be in a gang.

It was called
the Republican party.

Our friend is very political.

So, how do we get
into one of these gangs?

Actually, you guys showed up
at the perfect time.

Tomorrow is the start
of Prison Rush Week.

Get in one,
and you're home free.

That's a great idea!

Let's celebrate by pretentiously
analyzing some prison wine.

(sniffs)

Okay, I'm getting notes
of, um...

uh, well, feces.

¶ ¶

Man, getting in a gang

is gonna be harder
than I thought.

JOE:
Speak for yourself, Peter.

What gang is this?

We're the Not Cops.

We're all definitely not cops.

So you think firemen are cool?

Firemen cook spaghetti.

And I think y'all know
who I joined.

Are you now
Kareem Abdul-Jableeveland?

I am Kareem Abdul-Jableeveland.

Hey, you know Muslims
can't drink alcohol, right?

I am Cleveland
"Hurricane" Carter.

Well, Quagmire,
guess it's just you and me now.

Sorry, Peter, I'm in MS-13.

- What? How?
- It was easy.

- I said I was loco.
- Loco!

- Si.
- Muy loco.

Well, I can be loco.

I have a teardrop tattoo
on my cheek.

Where? I don't see it.

Not-not that cheek.

Peter, that's
an unwiped watermelon seed.

- Loco?
- No. No loco.

Hey, Peter,
is that your baby over there?

(dialogue inaudible)

We want fun. We want upbeat.
And for our dance,

we want "You Belong with Me"
by Taylor Swift.

Great, great. I also have
some more classic options,

- like "At Last."
- (chuckles) Okay.

So... so, what I need
is someone I can work with.

Can you be that person?

¶ ¶

There you guys are.
I haven't seen you all day.

Me and the Not Cops
were watching Die Hard

and not commenting

on the believability
of the police work.

Could John McClane
really foil a giant heist

outside his jurisdiction,
then just walk away

and do zero paperwork?

We don't know or care,
'cause we're not cops.

And I got my law degree.

I am now
Cleveland J. Roman J. Israel,

and I will be wearing
wine-colored suits.

- You look crazy.
- Well, in his defense,

the movie was set in the '70s,
wasn't it?

No, it's modern-day.

Oh, my stars.

All right, everyone,
that's lanch.

I mean, lunch.
Sorry, it's my first day.

This sucks.

Everyone's eating lanch but me.

I'm never gonna find a gang.

Hey. You look like
you could use a friend.

Well, let's just say in prison,

this guy comes off.

I meant my gang.
We're looking for members.

- I-I bet you'd fit right in.
- Really?

You only have to do
one thing first.

As the new white guy in prison,

you have to shiv
the new black guy.

Oh, you guys
are that kind of gang.

This is prison.

No one survives on their own.

So it's either him or you.

Man, I don't want
to hurt Cleveland.

But I don't want to die.
And it would be nice

to have people to go
to Smash Mouth concerts with.

Wait, you guys go
to Smash Mouth concerts, right?

We're Nazis, Peter.
We like Smash Mouth.

¶ ¶

Come on, there's got to be a way
you'll let me in the gang

without shivving Cleveland.

Ooh, ooh, I got an idea.
There was this prison movie,

and-and there was this guy
who wanted to win over

the other prisoners,
and you know what he did?

He ate seven eggs.
It was amazing.

So, you bring me seven

or some other reasonable amount
of eggs...

Peter, I know it's 50 eggs.

Ah, you're a film buff.

Yeah. Before this, I was
in the USC directors program.

Well, if you can call it that.

You think you're learning
about film,

but, really, you're getting
a degree in politics.

(scoffs) I know,
everything is so political.

So political.
Best advice I ever got:

whatever business
you think you work in,

you really work in sales.

Because you're
always selling yourself.

Yeah, wow, that is...
that is good.

- You are smart.
- Well, I didn't say it.

- I'm just repeating it.
- Well, still,

y-you recognized its value.

That-That's not nothing.

Well, we're so happy
you're all here.

We thought it might be fun

to kick things off
with a game of Heads Up!

- Daddy, do you want to start?
- No.

You just hold this up
to your head,

and then we're gonna give you
clues to help you guess it.

I only like games with sticks.

Okay, ready?

Go.

(chuckles):
Okay. It's a show.

Annie Get Your Gun.

No, it's on TV.

Oh. Poirot?

What is that?
I've never heard of that.

Uh, it's a Belgian detective
on PBS.

We just love it.

It's about seven castaways.
There's a professor

a-and a millionaire
a-and a movie star.

- Poirot!
- No.

We already said it's not Poirot.

It's about people who took
a three-hour tour.

No, it's not.
It's about a Belgian detective.

It's on PBS.

The title character is played
by Bob Denver.

- It's pronounced "David Suchet."
- Who's that?

- I'm gonna guess Poirot.
- It's not Poirot!

Damn it, just pass!

Okay, this is a movie...

Roman J. Israel, Esq.

ALL: Yay!

¶ ¶

Come on, Peter, it's him or you.

And-and he's not so great.

Don't forget,
he's the one who told you

all those Schoolhouse Rock!
spoilers.

I had no idea
that bill would become a law.

- (screams)
- Sorry, Peter.

My gang said
I wasn't really loco

unless I shivved someone,

and you're the one guy
without gang protection, so...

- (screams)
- Sorry, Quagmire.

As a Not Cop, I have to shiv
a guy in the Latin gang

and then blame it on Cleve...
(screams)

No one made me do this.

I'm just sick
of your overt racism.

Guys, guys, stop.

Stop. Look at us.

We're shivving each other
on Thanksgiving.

Oh, wait,
no one shivved Cleveland.

(screams)

But what are we doing?

What are all of us doing?

Fighting in here
amongst ourselves

while Brooks is out there
waiting for all of us,

bagging groceries,

adapting to this new world
seamlessly...

(whispers):
Brooks hung himself.

Oh, my stars.

The point is, in life,

you need to be thankful
for what you have.

I wasn't, and it got me in here.

I let down my family,
especially my wife.

I just wish she was here
so I could tell her I'm sorry.

LOIS:
I am here, Peter.

Not now, prison ladyboy
who talks like my wife

to please me sexually.

LOIS:
No, Peter, we're here.

Lois! What are you doing here?

I thought you were having
Thanksgiving with your parents.

Chris got caught
watching cousin Katie pee,

so that kind of ended things.

Well, I wanted to get caught.
That's...

It's part of it.

And the truth is, Peter,
we're not a family without you.

Can you ever forgive me?

Of course I can, Peter.

(in Lois' voice):
Hi, Peter.

Who's your little friend?

Not now, Prison Lois.

So it's over?

And what was Venice?

Same thing it always was, babe:

a dream
we both wanted to believe.

(crying)

Peter, who was that?

Not now, Front-Sex Lois.

The important thing is,
my days of selfishness

and red-wig twinks are over.

I'm ready to come home with you.

But, Peter,
you're in here till next week.

MAN:
Not anymore.

Hi, I'm the warden

and definitely not
a psychotic prisoner

who just stabbed the warden
and stole his clothes.

Shh, shh!
Everyone, the warden's talking.

By the rules of prison
and The Love Boat,

you've made up,

which means you get to leave
wiser and happier.

I love you, Lois.

I love you, Peter.

Hey, Lois, one day,
let's go to Venice.

You promise?

I said it, didn't I?

Donna!

Bonnie!

Sex doll!

- Oh, yeah!
- (cheering and whooping)

(chuckles):
All right, guys, settle down.

Well, we're certainly glad
to have you home, Peter,

but I hope
you learned your lesson.

I learned a hard lesson, Lois.

But it's not all bad.

I got to make a license plate
for our car

that says "butthole."

Isn't that too many letters?

Excellent question, Chris,
and yes, it is.

But I took off a "T"
and the "E" at the end.

I felt
that was the right way to go.

Trust me, people will get it.

What's buthol?

PETER:
That's not how you say it.

Yeah, I've heard of buthol.

It's some kind
of alternative fuel.

PETER:
You're ruining a smart joke.

DJ:
Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome,
for the first time,

Mr. and Mrs. Clint Beltran!

("At Last"
by Etta James playing)

(guests cheer)

¶ At last... ¶

Hey!

You were right.

¶ My love ¶

¶ Has come along. ¶

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH