Family Guy (1998–…): Season 18, Episode 9 - Christmas Is Coming - full transcript

Meg gets a surprising response when she takes Stewie to meet Santa at the mall; Brian tries to help when the experience leaves Stewie scarred.

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

("Jingle Bells" playing)

♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪



Aw, this is one of those weird
third-verse-nobody-knows songs.

♪ Winter killed our child ♪

♪ Medicine was rare ♪

♪ He ran outside
in his bare feet ♪

♪ And then he died right there ♪

Glad that's over.
Oh, God, there's four.

♪ Please don't free the slaves ♪

♪ It's a bad idea ♪

♪ They'll try to
get back at us ♪

♪ And that's
our biggest fear, oh... ♪

And now,
Adam West High School Choir's

original Christmas song,
"Die Hard."

I see those looks.

Yes, the movie was
originally released in summer,



but it took place
on Christmas Eve,

which makes it a Christmas film.

I guess we don't need this
for anything.

♪ ♪

(to tune of "Silent Night"):
♪ Die Hard ♪

♪ Die Hard ♪

♪ John McClane ♪

♪ And his wife ♪

♪ Yippee-ky-yay, (bleep) ♪

♪ Yippee-ky-yay, (bleep) ♪

Chris and Meg alert.

Oh. We have to go, uh,
call our congressman.

- What are they...?
- Hey, Mr. Quagmire.

Getting ready
for the birth of Christ?

Which happened!

- Chris. Megan.
- (Meg burps)

- Gross.
- So, how did you like the show?

I-I didn't love it.

H-Hey, have you guys
seen that mom

who wears a swimsuit for a bra?

She can't come to these.

Her ex-husband has a
restraining order against her.

Boy, her stock
just keeps going up.

So, Christmas, huh?

- You guys must be excited.
- (burps) Ugh, not at all.

It's always disappointing.

Just a reminder
of how truly lonely I am.

- Hey-hey! Seamus, my man!
- Oh, hello.

Allow me to introduce you
to my son, Woody.

- Hey, Woody.
- Hey.

He's gonna be a new character
on the show.

You're barely
a character on the show.

More than Woody!

Meg, there's a lot I have
to get done here,

so I need you to take Stewie
to the mall to meet Santa.

- Okay. Sure.
- Great.

Now, why don't you go warm up
the car for your little brother?

- (door closes)
- She's gone. Quick!

Let's take the picture
for the Christmas card.

(camera snaps)

I sent the wrong
picture to Walgreens.

♪ ♪

Oh, look, there's
all the Jewish kids

sitting on the rabbi's lap,

where he asks them
for something.

I want a new TV,
and it can't be a Vizio.

Sony or Samsung only.

And I need it all set up
before I turn it on.

I don't want to have to do
any of the things!

Okay, little guy.
You're up.

So, little boy, what would you
like for Christmas?

(bawling)

(bawling continues)

What's wrong, little boy?

Don't be scared of Santa.

Come on, Stewie.
It's okay.

Just sit on Santa's lap.

Ugh. Some people push their kids
to do stuff way too soon.

Do you agree,
Doctor Baby-Violin?

(man's voice):
I really do.

♪ ♪

-(Stewie yells)
-Is it okay if I just hold him
for the picture?

Ho, ho, ho.
Of course.

Sit right here, young lady.

Here you go, Stewie.
Santa's no one to be scared of.

He's kind and warm.
He loves unconditionally,

and... and he makes...

everyone feel so... so...

Meg, what are you doing?

You look like Mom when she sits
on the washing machine.

Now, what would you like
for Christmas, little boy?

Shut up, everyone!
Shut up! Shut up!

Just shut up!

♪ O come, let us adore him ♪

♪ O come,
let us adore him ♪

♪ O come, let us adore him... ♪

What, uh...
Wh-What just happened?

I'll have what she's having.

Okay. She had six
well-done hamburger patties

jammed into a hard taco shell.

Oh. I just want
to feel like that.

Okay. I mean, I can get it
for you, but it's a weird order.

The chef was not happy about it.

♪ ♪

(bells jingling)

Are you ready for me, Meg?

♪ ♪

- Are you ready to get up?
- Huh?

(Lois's voice):
I said it's time to get up.

It's 2:00.

I've never seen you
sleep so soundly.

What's going on?

Mom, I think I met someone.

Oh, Meg, that's amazing.

I want to know all about him.

What's his name?

Let's just call him
"Beard Boy."

Oh! It's like I'm in
Sex with the City.

It all happened so quick,
but I really feel something.

Am I crazy?

No. Trust your instincts.

You've got to chase
this feeling.

Go find Beard Boy.

I will, Mom. I will!

(exhales)
What was going on in here?

The windows are steamed up

like when Subway's
making the bread.

Hey. What's going on in here?

We're making the bread, sir.

Good. Now get back
to making sandwiches

with the shiniest turkey
on earth!

ANNOUNCER:
Subway. Have it your way.

If your way is very wet.

♪ ♪

Can you pass the milk?

Stewie? Can you pass the milk?

- ♪ O come, all ye faithful... ♪
- MEG: Shut up, everyone!

Shut up! Shut up!

Just shut up!

Hey. Pass the milk.

What the hell's going on
with you?

I-I haven't slept in two days.

Is this still that Santa thing?
Get over it.

You didn't see the things I saw.

♪ O come ♪

♪ All ye faithful... ♪

I mean, Santa Claus
was bouncing us on his knee.

And it got a little faster,

then faster,
and the more he bounced,

the bigger Meg's eyes got.

It was... it was...
Just look at the picture!

Wow. Okay.

Uh, Stewie,
I think I know what happened.

I can't tell you explicitly,
since we're owned by Disney,

but let me just say that

Santa made her
"Little Mermaid" "Moana."

- Oh.
- Exactly.

Brian, would you hand me
the Fat Man's fancy puking hat?

(retching)

God, this hat is deep.

Now, there's my hat.
Kids, I'm off to the opera.

This opera stinks.

It was awful, Rupert.

And worst of all,
I didn't even get to ask Santa

for the Vitamix.

Blender? (chuckles)
It's more than a blender.

MEG:
Stewie. I'm gonna take you
back to the mall

to sit on Santa's lap.

Oh, my God,
I've got to hide!

How did she find me?
That's my best hiding spot. No!

Oh, and by the way, Rupert,
after what I saw,

I know you've been faking it
this whole time.

♪ ♪

Meg, please don't.

Listen, I've got seven dollars
in my piggy bank.

It's yours. No?

All right, uh,
I'll kill Chris.

You want me to kill Chris?

Who do you want me to kill?
Chris? No?

Okay. I got it.

Next road show, Stewie and Meg.
Promise.

♪ We're off
on the road to Ohio. ♪

High in the middle
and round at both ends!

Meg, I love our road show.

- Next.
- No!

Huh. Something's different.

Hey, uh, Meg?
Uh, can you cut that out?

- Dad?!
- Please don't tell your mother
about this.

I took an extra job.

I don't make much money,
and Christmas is very expensive.

(exhales) Dad?
I'm gonna ask you one question,

and how you answer it will
determine the rest of my life.

Were you the Santa
at this mall yesterday?

- No.
- Oh, thank God.

Now, Meg,
I got a question for you:

Is there really a weight limit
for the escalator,

or did I just meet
some mean kids?

Hey, Peter,
let's keep it moving.

Some stockbrokers are gonna
throw me into a gong later.

Excuse me. Do you remember
the Santa from yesterday?

Lady, I've been thrown
head first into so many gongs,

I don't remember my own name.

I think he was just a temp.
I'd try the Warwick Mall.

Thanks.
Stewie, come on.

We're going to the Warwick Mall.

Stewie?

♪ ♪

Chocolate sample.

Again.

Just leave the carton.

- Santa's the best.
- I'm gonna ask for a bike.

I'm also enthusiastic
about Santa.

All hail the great Santa Claus.

- Yeah. This guy gets it.
- (blows raspberry)

Wait a minute.
That noise seems negative.

Santa's a good guy
'cause he keeps a list?

You know who else kept a list?
Hitler.

My uncle who moved
to the Idaho wilderness

says Hitler was a great man.

There you are.
Come on.

We've got to visit Santa
at another mall.

I can't go back to Santa, man!
I can't!

- Hello again.
- Hi.

That's the guy that was peeing
in the women's bathroom.

Stewie, when this is over,
I'm buying you a new toy.

Meg, when this is over,
I'm putting rocks in my pockets

and walking
into the mall fountain.

How much longer
is this gonna take?

I don't know. 400 minutes?

One reason I work
as a seasonal elf

is I'm not great
at time estimates.

- MALL SANTA: Next.
- See? 400 minutes.

Even a broken clock
is right six times a day.

He's very scared,
so I have to sit here with him.

Would you mind
bouncing me a little?

Um, okay. I guess I can do that.

Hey, come on,
a little harder than that.

- Look, I don't feel comf...
- Please! It's Christmas. Please!

- What does... what does that
have to do with...
- Just do it!

(crying):
♪ The itsy-bitsy spider ♪

♪ Went up the water spout... ♪

Wait, wait,
th-this isn't working.

Were you at the Quahog Mall
last night?

No. L-Last night, I was weeping
outside my ex-wife's apartment.

I drank too much
and went over to yell at her.

Yeah, he's not your guy, Meg.

They said my Santa would
be here, and you're not him.

I'm sorry. Story of my life.

I live to disappoint women,
apparently.

Well, where is he?
Where's my Santa?

- I don't know!
- I need to find him.

He made me a woman!

Where is he?

(gasping)

He's a phony!

A great, big phony!

Excuse me, ma'am, I'm gonna
give you just 600 minutes

- to get out of here.
- But you don't understand.

One, two, 600 minutes.

That's it. Security!

What took you so long?

Let me go.

Lady, by the power vested in me
by Paul Blart,

you are now banned
from this mall

and every mall in this county.

(grunting): W-Wait.
I need my little brother.

Stewie!

Time to sleep in heavenly peace.

(groans)

Wow, looks like
that baby is all wet.

(laughing)

Classic Woody.

(laughs)
This is Woody.

So, you want to tell me
why you were assaulting Santa

in front of the whole mall?

What about Beard Boy?

Santa is Beard Boy.

You're in love with Santa?

Maybe.

He gave me my first... you know.

He just bounced me on his lap,
and the next thing you know,

- I saw Jimmy Connors.
- You saw Jimmy Connors.

It happens to every girl
their first time.

You'll never see him again,
by the way.

I won't? Why not?

I don't know.
That's God's trick on women.

It's your first time,
followed by a lifetime

of diminishing returns.

(squeaking)

I wonder what I'll see
on my first time.

I can't let Stewie grow up
scared of Santa Claus.

(clears throat)

(deep voice):
Ho, ho, ho.

Santa? Is that really you?

- Sure is.
- Well, how'd you get in?

- Through the window.
- It was just unlocked?

Like, anybody can just come
through my window at any time?

- I really don't like...
- Forget about that.

I know you're having
a tough time.

I just wanted to tell you
that everything is fine.

Meg is entering probably
the most horny part of her life.

This could just as easily
have happened

while she was riding a horse
or something.

I'm just sorry
you had to see it.

Okay. Don't want people
just coming in whenever.

Stewie, that Christmas magic
you think you lost,

it can't just disappear.

I'm still the same guy
you've always loved.

Thanks, Santa. I feel better.

Just try to have
a good Christmas.

Uh, speaking of that,
I want a new dog.

What's wrong with
the dog you have?

Eh, he's okay.
I just... I just want a new one.

Maybe you can spend more time
with the old one

- before you make any decisions.
- Nah. Want a new one.

Thanks, Santa.
Can you leave from the door?

I'm kind of freaking
over the window thing.

Sure.

CHRIS:
Oh, my God. Santa?

- I want a new dog.
- BRIAN: Oh, come on!

There you are.

I had a hell of a time
finding your room.

Can I come in?

- Cigarette?
- No.

Mind if I have one?

So, you want to talk about
this whole Santa's lap thing?

Dad, this stuff, I-I think it's
gonna be hard for you to hear.

Oh, don't worry, Meg.
I brought this handkerchief

to dab my forehead whenever
you say something sexual.

- So, I'm-I'm sitting
on Santa's lap...
- Oh, dear.

...and it's like my whole body
starts to tingle.

- Oh, my stars.
- And-and then there's,
like, a-a deep...

I better loudly drop
an Alka-Seltzer

in this glass of water.

- (fizzing)
- Very loud fizzing.

I-I may need to widen my eyes

until they look like
a young girl's Snapchat filter.

Like, sort of
a-a warm steam iron?

Okay. It's okay, Meg.

Look, this Santa person
clearly made you very happy.

And I want my daughter
to be happy.

Go find your mall Santa,
wherever he is.

I love you, Dad.

And thanks for the pep talk.

Hey, I learned from the best.

You know, I played football for
Coach Joe Paterno at Penn State.

All right, team,
remember everything you learned

in practice this week

and forget everything
after practice this week.

- Break.
- (cheering)

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride ♪

♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪

♪ Jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride ♪

♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Oh, jingle bells,
jingle bells ♪

♪ Oh, what fun
in a one-horse open sleigh ♪

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride ♪

♪ In a one-horse open ♪

- ♪ Sleigh ♪
- ♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪

♪ Jingle all the way. ♪

(tires screeching)

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I've got to get in there.

Sorry, sweetie.
It's Christmas Eve.

Mall Quiet on the Western Front
closed 900 minutes ago.

Oh, no.

Do you have a big cup
I can pee in for my ride home?

Take my mostly done Jamba Juice.

And merry Christmas.

(slurping, belches)

Wow. There was more in there
than I thought.

SANTA:
Meg?

Santa?

Yes, Meg. It's me, Santa.

Oh, my God, there's a bench
right over there.

Quick, let me sit on your leg.

No, that's not
what I'm here for.

Yes, it is. Now, sit down.

Meg, no. Meg, no. Get off.

Geez, I'm trying to give you
a heartwarming message

of Christmas joy.

You know, the same feeling
you got when you were five

and I gave you
that Malibu Barbie?

How did you know that?

I told you. I'm the real Santa.

I try to visit every mall
at least once during Christmas.

Except Long Island malls.

Those people are a little much.

Oh, no.

I can't believe I, you know,
grew up all over you.

It's okay, Meg. You see, I know

what each and every person
needs for Christmas.

For you, it was your first
time seeing Jimmy Connors.

But the truth is,
it had nothing to do with me.

The Christmas magic
lives in there.

And as long as you believe,
it'll always be with you.

Deep inside.

- Inside my...
- Wherever you find it, yes.

Thanks, Santa.

You're welcome, Meg.

Well, I'm off
to distribute presents

to boys and girls
all over the world.

All right, I'm gonna
put my leg up on this back tire

and take a she-wee.

You know, you don't have to say
everything out loud, Meg.

Wait, are you sure
you're the real Santa Claus?

Yes, I'm the real Santa Claus.

I'm totally real,
so don't tell anyone about this

and don't say anything
to anyone.

Merry Chris...

- Damn it.
- (engine sputtering)

Come on.

I... I-I really got to go
behind the car.

♪ ♪

- Whoa!
- (gong clangs)

(laughter)

Meg?

Hi. Merry Christmas.

I'm tennis bad boy
Jimmy Connors.

How did you get in here?

I came in through
your baby's window.

You can just open it.

STEWIE:
Men are now just
coming in at will!

I heard you had
a pretty confusing Christmas.

Yeah, it's tough
being a teenager,

dealing with all these
new emotions and feelings

and streaming platforms.

I remember when I was your age,
I was confused, too.

Then I got a haircut
that I'd keep for 50 years.

You've just got to find
your one thing that works.

You mean a haircut like this?

Meg, I think
you're gonna be just fine.

But just in case, here.
I want you to have these.

- Your balls?
- That's right.

Whenever you need me,

just rub my balls,
and I'll come.

♪ O come, ye ♪

♪ O come, ye, to Bethlehem. ♪

Good night.