Family Guy (1998–…): Season 18, Episode 7 - Heart Burn - full transcript

? It seems today
that all you see ?

? Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ?

? But where are those
good old-fashioned values ?

? On which we used to rely? ?

? Lucky there's a family guy ?

? Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ?

? All the things that make us ?

? Laugh and cry ?

? He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ?

Oh, fun! Look, Peter.

Smash Mouth is playing here
next weekend.



- In Quahog?
- No, in this porn store.

- (scanner beeps)
- Well, you caught us.

Lois and I are stocking up

for a very special
anniversary evening,

and I'm not sure
that five percent discount

was worth checking in here
on Facebook.

(phone chimes)

Ew, Meg, don't "like" that.

Anyway, to celebrate,
we thought it would be fun

to recount the three greatest
love stories ever told.

We'll begin
with the tale of Helen of Troy:

"The face that launched
a thousand ships."

Which is the poetic way
of saying,

"Helen of Troy was thicc, tho."



Which is the Black Twitter way
of saying,

"She was very attractive."

(exotic vocalizing)

The people of Troy's chocolate

has gotten
into our peanut butter.

The people of Greece's
peanut butter

has gotten
all over our chocolate!

We could perhaps
try the combined taste,

or we could fight to the death.

Guys, stop! The Battle of
the Greece's Peanut Butter Cup

has gone on too long.

Let us agree to disagree.

Huh, what a pleasantly
de-escalating phrase

that I'm just now hearing
for the first time.

Yes, we will agree to disagree.

The war between the Greeks
and the Trojans is over!

(cheering)

To Greece!

Now let's go call a bunch
of jagged rocks a beach.

(pained grunting)

- Ooh! Ow!
- Sharp! Sharp! Sharp!

- Hot!
- Hot!

Man, I'm happy the war is over.

I can't wait
to get back to Troy.

Yeah, I'm just gonna plop down
with my kids

and watch Troy Story.

To the other side
of that hill... and beyond!

That's as far as we know about
right now.

You know what I just realized?

This. This could be
a really long poem.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
Helen's in my cabin,

and I thought I'd give
heterosexual sex a try.

(door creaks)

Helen?! What the Hades?!

What? She's hot.

But not as hot as Medusa.

Ah, one look at Medusa,
and I'm rock hard.

Mythologically correct.

Coming up, Greek food voted
burpiest in the world.

But first, in tragedy news:

your queen, Helen, has run off
with Paris back to Troy.

This is an outrage!

I'll send my entire army after
them, led by my best warriors!

Achilles, ACL, get in here!

(pained grunting)

- What?
- Helen has run off with Paris!

We're going to get her back
and burn Troy to the ground.

Well, that sounds good.

I just need to cancel my lesson
with Socrates first.

Isn't he that thinker
they keep shuffling around

from one philosophy school
district to the next?

No, no, he's the one

whose method is all about
asking questions.

- Like what?
- "Have you ever tried wine?"

"Can you keep a secret?"

"You know this is
your fault, right?"

Yeah, he'll... he'll make you
question a lot about yourself.

? ?

So, we'll sail directly east,

and then head north
at a 90 degree angle.

It's the fastest possible way
I can imagine getting there.

Hang on. Let me see that.

Pythagoras just invented this
thing called a "hypotenuse."

If we know this distance
and this distance,

we can calculate
this more direct route.

Wow. Our people are, like,
really smart.

I bet Greeks will
always be known

for their advancements in math
and not as cartoon characters

with very hairy arms and
a tragically mismanaged economy.

? ?

Okay, I had a feeling this
fortress would be impenetrable,

so I've hired the finest builder
in Greece

to make us a giant wooden horse.

We'll hide inside it,
they'll take it in as a gift,

and then we spring out
and destroy the city.

I call it "the Trojan horse."

Well, that sounds great,

but there's another door
right here that's just beads.

- What?
- Yeah. Just beads. See?

Oh, boy, this...

this is gonna be
a difficult phone call.

Let's go! Let's go!

This needs to be done yesterday!

- (phone ringing)
- Hello?

Giant Horse Company,
Pay On Delivery,

No Deposit Required.
Can I help you?

What?!

(all yelling)

(wind whistling)

Where the hell is everyone?

Well, they left a note.

It says
Helen and Paris went back

to the Greek Isles
to get married... (gasps)

And all three of Helen's fathers
are going to be there?!

? Dancing queen... ?

They came!

Awesome! And now
that we're owned by Disney,

we can have Hercules here.

No?

They-they won't let us use him?

What was the point
of this whole merger?

Well, who can we use?

"Launchpad McQuack"?

No. No. No, you know what?
I'm exhausted.

I'm exhausted
with being told "no."

And now I'm married. Ugh.

I'm gonna go break wieners
off statues.

("Dancing Queen" plays)

Welcome back. My credit card
got declined at the sex store.

We ran off with only the stuff
we could keister.

Our next love story is
Romeo and Juliet,

a 500-year-old tale
about horny preteens

that society somehow decided
is classy and not perverted,

even though two middle schoolers
bang in it. Enjoy.

Two households,
both alike in dignity,

in fair Verona
where we lay our scene.

Well, I'd say
Verona's better than fair.

They's gettin' a Shake Shack
this summer.

Ooh, milkshakes
and crinkly fries.

Gonna have myself a pooch-belly
if I's not careful.

I'm sorry, y'all.

I done chatterboxed my way
through the whole prologue.

Boy, this is nice.

Will there ever be
a more popular Italian city

- than Verona?
- I don't know.

Are we even supposed
to be at this party?

If they find out
we're Montagues,

they might razz us!

Relax.
No one's gonna recognize us.

We got inch-wide masks
over just our eyes,

with the rest of our faces
plainly visible.

We're fine.

You wanted to see me, Daddy?

Juliet, honey, we need to talk.

You're a grown woman now,

and it's time
for you to get married.

Grown woman?! Daddy, I'm 13.

Shh. Uh, don't say that.

Tell people you're 11!

Do you want
to get married or not?!

(sighs)
Fine.

Now, I found you
the most eligible bachelor

in all of Italy.

He's from the Boyardee family.
Kind of a big deal.

My family makes the best canned
sugar pastas in all the land.

Are you out of breath
from saying one sentence?

Just give me a second.

I'm in the midst of a full-on,
lockdown sodium headache.

I haven't peed for 36 hours.

Whew. Okay.

Now, fair Juliet,
let our houses join together,

like beef... and roni.

? ?

Ah, cool!

(chuckles)

Shakespeare.

(exhales)

(squeaking)

What... what is that?

It says "hole."

I don't get it.

You wrote "butt."

Okay.

I'll... I'll come over there.

(grunts)

Hey, there's something
I want you to see.

Some greaseball at the bar
just drew a guy in a circle.

It's amazing. He's this,
and then he's this.

You-you just...
y-you got to come see it!

Romeo, we got
to get out of here!

Tybalt found out we're
Montagues, and he's pissed.

Oh, man, I-I must have amnesia
or something,

'cause I don't (bleep) remember
inviting you guys.

- Who are you here with?
- Uh... Tony?

Gonna have to do better
than that, man.

Lot of Tonys here.

Oh, did I say "Tony"?

I-I meant... I'm Abe Froman,
the sausage king of Chicago.

You're Abe Froman,
the sausage king of Chicago?

That's right.

- (phone ringing)
- Hello?

JOE:
Yes, I'm looking
for Abe Froman,

the sausage king of Chicago.

Heavyset fellow, glasses.

Oh, w-well, he's right here.

Let me just...
Wait a minute!

We don't have phones or Chicago!

All right, you got to die.

Enough!
You three, out of my house!

I will not play host
to some family feud!

(Family Feud theme playing)

100 people surveyed.

Top five answers are
on the board.

Name something you might
say to a damned spot.

(buzzer sounding)

Out.

- Good answer! Good answer!
- Ah, good answer, good answer.

Yeah, yeah, good answer.

Show me "out"!

(bell clangs)

What?! That's impossible!

Romeo, name something
you might say to a damned spot.

Hello.

(bell clangs)

- What?!
- I know this audience.

Of course it was "hello."

Of course it was.

(harpsichord playing
"In Your Eyes")

Romeo?

- Juliet.
- (discordant notes play)

I know I ain't
supposed to be here,

but I just had to see you again.

Oh, Romeo, Romeo,
wherefore art thou, Romeo?

I... What-what...
what are you talking about?

I'm right here.
You're looking right at me.

You know what?
I'll come up there.

- Romeo, we can't.
- (grunting)

What if my father sees us?

And "wherefore" means "why,"
by the way, not "where."

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

That's stupid. You're stupid.

Juliet, I know we just met,

but when I look at you,
I feel something special.

This is gonna sound crazy,
but... will you marry me?

Okay, let's do it.

I love you, Romeo.

I love you, too, Juliet.

(both moaning)

I should probably let you know

I have a lot
of Jack Skellington tattoos.

Well, I wish you would have
told me that before,

but that's okay, because I do
karate outside against no one.

Yeah, this is gonna be
a good marriage.

There he is!

There's the dumbass
I've been looking for.

- (grunts)
- (shouts)

Mercutio!

(grunts) I could never say this

when I was alive, but...

"Ralph... Fiennes."

(groans)

(growling)

(grunting)

(coughing)

(grunting)
Oh, God.

I'm voiding my bowels right now
because I died,

not 30 minutes ago
in the carriage on the way here.

(grunting)

(gasps)

Welp, we all know how this goes.

(siren whoops)

I'm doin' it!

Oh, Friar Laurence,

are you absolutely sure
faking my death

with this poison
is the best plan?

Well, there's also Herbalife,
which is an amazing product.

And I think you, specifically,

would make a great addition
to our team.

I-I'll take the poison.
Thank you, Friar.

A-And since I'm picking up
a prescription,

can I, uh, pay
for the rest of my items here?

Uh, I-I guess.

(annoyed sigh)

Oh, (sighs) yourself.

I'm afraid she's dead.

You can tell
by her shallow breathing

and weak but clear heartbeat.

I'm sorry.
There's nothing I can do.

Can you make a paper airplane?

I can.

Then don't be so hard
on yourself.

Oh, no!

My girlfriend's dead!

And on top of that,

it's that time in late summer

before football starts
and there's no basketball.

I mean, there is baseball,
but it's not playoffs.

I might as well just be dead!

(coughs, choking)

(weakly):
Children having sex,

two murders,

double suicide.

Very irresponsible
to teach this...

in schools.

(grunts)

Romeo? Romeo?

Oh, wherefore?

Stupid.

I don't understand.

We had a plan!

Did you think I was dead just
because I faked my own death?!

Maybe there's still poison
on your lips.

Mm. Alas.

Just Costco hot dog.
(shudders)

Well, a boy I knew
for three days is dead.

And on top of that,
WNBA season is over,

and it's still two months
till figure skating starts!

(groans, gasps)

BRUCE:
For never was a story
of more "Oh, no!"

than that of Juliet
and her Romeo.

(sirens wailing)

I accidentally farted
on a candle

at our Eyes Wide Shut party
and this happened.

Now, please enjoy
Fatal Attraction.

? ?

(indistinct chatter)

Man, is this a great
black toilet loft party or what?

Oh, yeah.

Hey, which line of cocaine
is for the bathroom?

I think it's that one.

Thanks. I'll be right back.

(sniffing)

Dan Gallagher.
Confident to meet you.

I'm not gonna be ignored
by you, Dan.

No, Nono, that's later.

Would you like to dance
in silence,

because they always add
the music in post?

Sure.

What do you think
they'll choose?

? You take the good,
you take the bad ?

? You take 'em both
and there you have ?

? The facts of life,
the facts of life. ?

Now, let's have hot sex
in silence,

and they'll add
the sensuous music in post.

(both moaning)

I wonder what music
they're gonna add.

(Inspector Gadget theme
playing)

? Inspector Gadget ?

? Hoo, hoo ?

? Inspector Gadget ?

Well, I'm done.

(theme continues playing)

? Inspector Gadget ?

? Hoo, hoo... ?

TV themes were longer back now.

(insects trilling)

I love our life.

Yeah. It's hard not to root

for a rich, white lawyer
in the Connecticut suburbs.

(phone ringing)

Dad, the not cell phone's
ringing!

Let's let the new
answering machine get it.

-(beeps)
-Hi, you've reached
the Gallaghers.

Leave a message
for our intact family

- after the beep.
- (beeps)

Hi, Dan. It's Alex Forrest.

I just found out I'm preg--

Now I'm giving you a minute
to pick up the phone hastily.

I got it, I got it, I got it!
Hello?

Judge Forrest. (quietly):
How did you get this number

when they deliver a book
that has all the numbers?

Dan, look over to the split
screen and see how crazy I look.

- Eesh.
- And, also,

I'm listening to opera,

but I don't know which one,

'cause they'll add it in post.

What do you think
they'll choose?

? No more Rice Krispies ?

? We ran out
of Rice Krispies... ?

I see it!

God!

Hello, Dan.

How did you get in here?

I slipped the security guard
five cocaines.

I told you it's over!

And I told you we need to talk.

I'm pregnant.

Are you sure it's yours?

I am.

We can get rid of it.

They won't outlaw abortion
until 2019.

No, I'm keeping it!

And one other thing:

the baby will not be ignored
by you, Dan.

That's a very big thing for you,
isn't it?

I need your help.

Alex, the elevator chick,
is pregnant.

I don't want to lose my family.

What can I do?

Listen, just call your wife

on your numbers-on-the-top
car phone,

and it'll all be better.

If I were you, Dan,
I'd just go home

and enjoy your family
and rabbit.

Most of these things
just boil over.

That's odd.

Usually, our rabbit rushes up
to greet me.

Well, time to wash dishes
while looking at a lawn,

like most housewives.

(bubbling)

What in the world?

I better warily approach
that pot in silence,

knowing they'll add
dramatic music in post.

I wonder what they'll choose.

? No more Rice Krispies ?

? We ran out of Rice Krispies! ?

(scream echoes)

Aw, I was going to kill
the rabbit.

All right, listen, Beth,

I got something to tell you
in front of our kid.

I had an affair.

You what?!

I know.
It was awesome at the time,

and, frankly, I was real close
to getting away with it.

But now that there are
actual consequences,

I got to tell you the truth.

Dan, how could you?

Look, it's not my fault.

My plan was to just hide this
from you forever.

Also, she's pregnant.

How is that possible?

Well, when a man and a woman
like each other just a little

and they get in an elevator...

Oh, God!

How could I be so blind?!

I wouldn't be so hard
on yourself, honey.

But I will say,

at least she had a pot
of something on the stove

when I came home.

(creaking)

(creaking)

Well, now to defog this mirror
and see only myself.

(squeaking)

Now to fully close the mirror
and have no changes.

(gasps)

I'm sorry, Beth.

I have a fatal attraction
to your husband.

Ah! She said it!

That'll be in the trailer.

I'm gonna do to you
what I did to your bunny

and your neighbor's cat

because I went to
the wrong house the first time.

(sighs) I love relaxing here
with that dry ceiling.

Huh. Wonder if the weather
called for living room rain.

WEATHERMAN:
Next up, Connecticut,

your living room forecast:

dry, dry, dry.

(gasps)
That can only mean one thing!

(grunting)

Oh, my God.

It's happening.
It's happening.

Dan, help!

- Right.
- (grunting)

You deserve to die,

because the choices I made
are your fault!

(muffled choking)

All right.
She's mostly choked.

Let's just sit on the floor
with our backs to the tub.

(screams)

(gunshot)

It's just been revoked.

? ?

Hi, I'm Chris Griffin.

I didn't have
a lot to do tonight.

But they did say
they'd give me one minute

at the end of the show
to share my favorite love story.

Of course, I chose
the classic romantic tale

of the love between a young man
and pastry,

American Pie.

The store was all out of apple,

so this one is chicken pot,

fresh from the oven.

Here we go.

Ow, the piping hot gravy!

Oh! And one of the peas
went inside!

It's so burned,

I can't tell what's chicken
and what's me!

Oh, God!
Not gonna stop though!

Happy anniversary, Mom and Dad,

from your teenage son

getting busy
with a 400-degree pot pie!