Family Guy (1998–…): Season 18, Episode 3 - Absolutely Babulous - full transcript
Stewie wins a participation award in his school's toddler games, leading him to question everything he's ever won; Peter causes a fight between Lois' parents and has to repair the damage.
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
(children shouting, laughing)
(whistle blows)
Go, Stewie!
Ha! Isn't this exciting?
Yeah, but I don't like
little Kyle Kaepernick
kneeling during
the national anthem.
("Star-Spangled Banner" playing)
Boo! Get on your feet!
Boo! Down in front.
Okay, need to stay focused.
What are those for?
Power songs that get me focused.
♪ The wheels on the bus
go round and round ♪
♪ All through the town. ♪
It's the same thing Ryan Lochte
listens to before a race.
Stewie, you're taking this
way too seriously.
It's a meaningless event,
like a bar mitzvah.
Today you are a man.
- Great. Can I drive?
- No.
- Can I vote?
- No.
- Can I drink?
- No.
- Can I have sex?
- No.
- Can I cash the checks?
- Yes!
(indistinct chatter)
Lois, why'd we got to come here?
This place is a bunch
of rich snobs.
We have lunch with my parents
twice a year.
Consider yourself lucky.
Under normal circumstances,
you'd never be allowed
in a place like this.
Griffin, come on.
They're waiting for your order.
Sorry. Do you have oysters?
- We do not.
- Aw, shucks.
(laughter)
Damn it, Griffin,
you've been staring at that menu
for five minutes,
and you peed your pants.
Um, do you have oysters?
Get up.
They have to clean the chair.
Hey, Brian, you don't have
a metal detector on you, do you?
Okay, Stewie, you got a medal.
Way to go.
Do I sense a hint of jealousy?
Stewie, didn't it strike you
as odd
that everyone got a medal?
You didn't win anything.
It's a participant medal.
They give 'em to every kid
with a pulse.
And like every other medal
or award you've ever gotten,
it means nothing.
What?
(gasps)
Stewie, I-I'm sorry.
I-I shouldn't have said that.
I lost my temper.
- (sobbing)
- Slow down!
(gasps)
No, no, no, no, no.
How could I be such a fool?
This is a wall of lies.
And that's a hole of lies.
Everything I've ever won
is worthless!
Aah!
You won't make a fool of me
any longer.
Oh, no!
It's all right, Stewie.
Stay calm. This is why
we have a house fire captain.
Okay, when I read your name,
please respond with a "here."
- Griffin, Mac.
- It's Meg.
Sorry, it looks like "Mac."
- Griffin, Liam.
- It's Lois.
Again, please respond
with "here."
Oh, my God,
Chris is still in there!
Somebody save Chris!
(bystanders gasping)
(cheering)
You know what?
He's earned that.
God, look at this place.
Our whole house is destroyed.
Oh, here comes
the insurance guy.
Everyone start crying about
losing your new golf clubs
and Grant Wood's
American Gothic.
Oh...
my new golf clubs
with the titanium shafts.
Oh, my classic depiction
of the austere steadfastness
of rural America!
You know, I don't care.
It's not my money.
Oh.
Peter, I spoke with my parents,
and we can live with them
until our house is fixed.
Great. It's gonna suck worse
than Mueslix.
You know,
the German health cereal?
Guten Morgen. Try me.
I am made of oats and fiber.
Okay. Sounds healthy.
Ja. Also, I am German
and wouldn't mind
watching you crap.
- Uh, I don't know.
- Come, come.
It will be mine
and yours little secret.
Just the two of us.
Please, take me home.
Uh, okay. But just you.
I don't feel safe now.
Stop talking!
Concentrate on the pooping!
ANNOUNCER:
Mueslix,
the weird European cereal
that likes to watch you poop.
(doorbell rings)
Aw, why we got to stay
with your parents?
You know,
sometimes I get the feeling
they don't respect me.
(grunting)
(brakes hiss)
(whirring)
Thank you
for not interrupting my bit.
Come on in.
Wow, check out this media room.
Maybe you burning down the house
wasn't so bad.
My actions were justified.
I'd been fed
a massive societal lie
in the form
of participant awards.
Hey, kids, how would you like
to hear this on the screen
instead of the great show
you came to see?
(children cheering)
That's what you sound like.
Honest.
Please cooperate
and do your part
in keeping this theater quiet,
so everyone,
including you,
can enjoy it.
Remember, lots of adults
and kids, too,
paid admission
to enjoy the show.
We must insist
on absolute quiet.
Otherwise, we will be forced
to evict
all disturbance makers
from the theater.
Those asked to leave today
will be refused admission
to this theater in the future.
Thank you.
Wow, what a dick.
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.
I've deleted all my old tweets,
so don't even bother looking
for bad stuff.
Screen grabs can be faked.
But, first,
it's that time of year again
for the annual
Quahog Pie Cook-off.
The winner will take home
the coveted Pie Champ trophy.
Brian, this could be
my chance to finally win
a legitimate award.
- You think you're up to it?
- Of course.
I just have to apply myself.
Like Chris, when he worked
at that casino.
No more bets. The money that
could have gone to your kids
is gone.
No more bets.
The money you worked hard for
is gone.
Fools, fools, fools.
Ooh, double zero.
Nobody thinks about that one.
And guy walks quickly away
from table without a word,
replaced by an older white man
with a much younger black woman.
No more bets. No more bets.
Brian, are you ready
for my grand creation?
- Serve it up, bitch.
- Well, that was uncalled for.
But get ready to be wowed.
(crunch)
What the-- This is mud.
Yes. It's a mud pie.
I used Legos for the fruit.
Stewie, you can't submit this.
It's inedible.
Okay, now I know
you're full of crap,
because everyone else
loves it.
Mmm, num-num-num-num-nah.
So delicious, Stewie.
Best pie ever.
Wow! Tastes great, Stewie.
Mmm, so good.
Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
Not so hammy, Meg.
He's not an idiot.
Stewie, can't you see
they're faking it
to make you feel good?
What are you talking about?
(slo-mo):
Wow!
Mmm. Num-num-num-num-nah.
So good.
We must insist
on absolute quiet.
My God, you're right.
They're all just lying
to protect my feelings.
This pie is garbage!
And the contest is next week.
I have to drop out.
No, you don't.
You just got to do the work.
Stewie, you're a smart kid.
I know you can bake a pie,
and I'll help you.
You will?
Thank you, Brian.
This calls for champagne.
Pop.
Glug, glug, glug.
Bottoms up.
Go with it.
Ugh. Korbel?
- It's not Korbel. It's...
- Go with it.
Yes, I had some left over
from Denise's wedding.
- Who's Denise?
- Go with it.
Fine. How is Denise?
Did she have the abortion?
- Abortion?
- Go with it.
No, her alarm didn't go off,
so she missed it.
So, Brian,
is this your first orgy?
Not going with it.
Peter, would you like to join us
in a parlor game?
Parlor game?
Lois, why do you always
start talking like a snob
when you're around
your parents?
What? It's the way
I was brought up.
I know, let's play
"The Minister's Cat."
I don't know what that is.
It's simple.
In alphabetical order. Go.
The minister's cat is
an affable cat.
The minister's cat is
a boisterous cat.
Penrose!
The minister's cat is
a covetous cat.
The minister's cat is
a devious cat.
The minister's cat's
an eclectic cat.
Peter, your turn. Go.
- Wh-What?
- Peter, hurry.
I don't-- I don't know this cat.
Damn it, Peter,
you ruined the game!
Peter, perhaps the word
you were looking for is...
"forgotten."
♪ Midnight ♪
♪ Not a sound
from the pavement ♪
♪ Has the moon lost
her memory? ♪
♪ She is smiling alone. ♪
You kids are too young
to remember that,
but your parents
are gonna hate it.
(crickets chirping)
(sighs):
Finally, a place to escape.
Oh, hey, Babs.
Hello, Peter.
What brings you out here?
I had to get away
from that stupid game.
I don't know, whenever I'm here,
I feel out of place.
It's just a different world
than I'm used to.
(belches)
Bring that up again,
and we'll vote on it.
Whoa, where'd you learn
a line like that?
Oh, there's a lot
you don't know about me.
You know, Peter,
you and I are not so different.
You struggle
to get erections, too?
You may think I've always been a
part of this high-society world,
but I wasn't born
with a silver spoon in my mouth.
Well, that probably would've
torn your mom's uterus.
My point is, I'm not from
an upper-crust world, either.
I just had to act that way
to impress Carter,
who cared about that stuff.
I was struggling
to be something I wasn't.
In many ways, I still am.
There's an Ed Sheeran song
for every emotion
you're feeling right now.
Ooh, no, thank you.
You know,
I like hanging out with you.
Hey, what do you say
we ditch this stuffy place
- and head to the Clam?
- The Drunken Clam?
Why, I haven't been there
in decades.
I'd love to.
- To the Babsmobile!
- (alarm chirps)
("Batman Theme" playing)
You got vehicles
with your face on 'em, too?
You know it, stinky.
Oh, I didn't like
being called stinky.
(tires screech)
Babs, I got to hand it to you.
You turned a crappy night
into something great.
You know, I've never dropped
bowling balls
from an overpass before.
They fall quick.
That was the most fun
I've had in decades.
It felt good to reconnect
with the girl I once was.
Hey, listen, you got
to stay true to that girl.
She's an amazing person.
A real person.
Not some stuffy Newport snob.
Oh, sometimes I feel trapped
in this world,
forever trying to live up
to everyone else's expectations,
especially Carter's.
Sounds like you've wasted
your entire life.
Thank you, Peter.
You've helped me
more than you know. Mwah.
Yuck.
Well, Brian,
I've studied pie-making,
and the key is to find the
absolute freshest ingredients.
Therefore, we must go wherever
and whenever
they're to be found.
- Where are we?
- 1666, England.
Home of Sir Isaac Newton
and one of history's
most famous apples.
Which will be part of our pie.
(shouts)
Gravity never happened!
Good morning, family.
And before anyone asks,
I brought this owl from home.
I did not take it
from the enclosed owlery.
Just want to make that clear.
Home-brought owl.
Peter, what did the two of you
talk about last night?
- (hoots)
- Yeah, who?
You can see why I stole this
from the owlery--
I-I mean brought it from home.
Damn it!
My mother.
After your night together,
she told Daddy
she's leaving him.
- (hoots)
- Yeah, who?
All right, I'm already getting
tired of this owl.
I'm gonna go put him back
in the owlery.
Peter, enough.
You've got to make this right.
Now, that one seemed
less earned.
(seabirds calling)
(tires screech)
Babs, I've been looking
all over for you.
- What are you doing here?
- This is my hometown, Peter.
It's where I grew up.
In fact, as a rebellious teen,
I used to come down
to this boardwalk
and feed Alka-Seltzer tablets
to the seagulls.
(squawking)
Babs, you got to come home.
Carter needs you.
I'm sorry,
but I-I can't do that right now.
(seagull shrieks, pops)
Peter, you've been able
to stay true to who you were.
- I've lost touch with that.
- (seagull shrieks, pops)
It's been buried
by Carter and his money.
I want to find it again.
Listen, Babs, I understand
what you're doing. I really do.
Sometimes I feel suffocated
by Lois
and my stupid mother-in-law,
but you got to come home.
- (seagull shrieks, pops)
- I don't think so, Peter.
You and Carter are meant
for each other.
You go together.
L-Like the couple
from the movie Grease.
Mr. Rama-Lama-Lama-Ka-Dinga-
Da-Dinga-Dong, do you take
Miss Shoo-Bop-Sha-Wadda-
Wadda-Yippity-Boom-De-Boom
- to be your wife?
- I do.
And Miss Shoo-Bop-Sha-Wadda-
Wadda-Yippity-Boom-De-Boom,
do you take Mr. Rama-Lama-Lama-
Ka-Dinga-Da-Dinga-Dong
- to be your husband?
- I do.
If anyone objects
to this union,
speak now
or forever hold your peace.
-(all gasping)
-Mr. Chang-Chang-Changity-
Chang-Sha-Bop!
Peter, where have you been?
Listen, Carter, unless you want
to lose Babs forever,
you better get down
to Weekapaug.
Why the hell would I do that?
If you want to win her back,
maybe, for once,
you try to fit into her world.
You got to become a regular guy.
What? No! Never!
Daddy, Peter's right.
You got to do this for Mom.
All right, fine. I'll take
a quick choke-myself-awake nap
and be ready to go.
(snoring)
(choking)
(clears throat)
All right. All right, let's go.
- I'm so nervous.
- You made a damn good pie,
Stewie.
You should be proud of yourself,
whatever happens.
Good afternoon, Quahog,
I'm Tom Tucker... in a T-shirt?
And now, the moment
you've all been waiting for.
This year's Quahog
pie-baking champion is...
Fjurg Vanderploeg.
(cheering and applause)
Everyone is welcome
to taste my pie.
Sorry, Stewie.
You did your best.
These were old pros.
But, hey, look. You took fifth.
Fifth? Is that good?
- Do I get a medal?
- You get a ribbon.
Does everyone who participates
get a ribbon?
Only ten out of 14.
My God. I did it.
No, Stewie, you did it--
Oh, wait.
Sorry, I thought you--
- I thought you said "we did it."
- I did not.
Good job, little boy.
Maybe someday
you can come by my store
and have all the cake you want.
- Ooh, that sounds promising.
- Okay, that's enough.
And maybe this winter, you
can go fishing in my ice hole.
BRIAN:
I said enough!
(country music playing)
(music stops)
♪ ♪
I think I went too big
with the boots.
Buddy, I think you might be
in the wrong place.
Yeah, you get lost on the wrong
side of town, boot boy?
-(whispering): Peter.
-Just go with it.
It's all part of the ruse.
I say we take his pants down,
see what he's working with.
And while we're at it,
give me that pool cue.
I got an idea
where we can put it.
- Peter, shut up.
- Carter? Is that you?
Oh. Hey, Babs.
I hang out here all the time.
Yeah. He comes in here with me.
And I'd even take
a lie detector test to prove it.
Well, good thing the bar is
having Lie Detector Wednesday.
Wh-What?
Just a few easy
warm-up questions.
Have you ever had condomless sex
with a man?
Okay, test over. Carter's
never been here in his life.
Damn it, Peter. I'm leaving.
(creaking)
- (gasping)
- My truck!
Time to waste this fancy-pants.
♪ ♪
(grunts)
Babs, you saved me.
And the bartender's unconscious.
Let's take his pants down,
see what he's working with.
(cheering)
(crying):
Babs, I'm sorry.
I tried, but I can't do it.
I'll never be the real man
you want me to be.
I'll always be just a spoiled,
spineless, rich dandy.
Carter, I appreciate you trying
to be the man I want,
but being back home here
has made me realize
you already are.
What? I am?
I've discovered I'm not
the same girl I once was.
I've changed.
I've grown accustomed
to life with you.
I thought I wanted
this life back,
but have you ever had
a Milwaukee's Best?
It's an awful, awful, awful...
- It's one of our sponsors.
- ...delicious beer,
but, still,
ours is the life I want,
and you are the man I want.
Newport is my home now,
and I'm ready to go back there.
Oh, Babs.
(moaning)
Ah, old love.
(creaking)
Well, I didn't pay for my beer,
but I left a hell of a tip.
(laughter)
Damn it, Griffin!
You've been staring at that menu
for 22 minutes, and now you're
sitting in a double pee puddle!
Peter, I'm so relieved
that my mother's back
with my dad.
Yep. It all worked out.
Only one thing left to do.
Get drunk, go upstairs
and weird out the kids.
(quietly):
Chris.
Are-are you awake?
Chris, you-- do you want a--
you want a Tom Brady kiss?
Chris, wake up.
I-I want to give my son
a Tom Brady kiss.
(Stewie clears throat loudly)
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
that all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
(children shouting, laughing)
(whistle blows)
Go, Stewie!
Ha! Isn't this exciting?
Yeah, but I don't like
little Kyle Kaepernick
kneeling during
the national anthem.
("Star-Spangled Banner" playing)
Boo! Get on your feet!
Boo! Down in front.
Okay, need to stay focused.
What are those for?
Power songs that get me focused.
♪ The wheels on the bus
go round and round ♪
♪ All through the town. ♪
It's the same thing Ryan Lochte
listens to before a race.
Stewie, you're taking this
way too seriously.
It's a meaningless event,
like a bar mitzvah.
Today you are a man.
- Great. Can I drive?
- No.
- Can I vote?
- No.
- Can I drink?
- No.
- Can I have sex?
- No.
- Can I cash the checks?
- Yes!
(indistinct chatter)
Lois, why'd we got to come here?
This place is a bunch
of rich snobs.
We have lunch with my parents
twice a year.
Consider yourself lucky.
Under normal circumstances,
you'd never be allowed
in a place like this.
Griffin, come on.
They're waiting for your order.
Sorry. Do you have oysters?
- We do not.
- Aw, shucks.
(laughter)
Damn it, Griffin,
you've been staring at that menu
for five minutes,
and you peed your pants.
Um, do you have oysters?
Get up.
They have to clean the chair.
Hey, Brian, you don't have
a metal detector on you, do you?
Okay, Stewie, you got a medal.
Way to go.
Do I sense a hint of jealousy?
Stewie, didn't it strike you
as odd
that everyone got a medal?
You didn't win anything.
It's a participant medal.
They give 'em to every kid
with a pulse.
And like every other medal
or award you've ever gotten,
it means nothing.
What?
(gasps)
Stewie, I-I'm sorry.
I-I shouldn't have said that.
I lost my temper.
- (sobbing)
- Slow down!
(gasps)
No, no, no, no, no.
How could I be such a fool?
This is a wall of lies.
And that's a hole of lies.
Everything I've ever won
is worthless!
Aah!
You won't make a fool of me
any longer.
Oh, no!
It's all right, Stewie.
Stay calm. This is why
we have a house fire captain.
Okay, when I read your name,
please respond with a "here."
- Griffin, Mac.
- It's Meg.
Sorry, it looks like "Mac."
- Griffin, Liam.
- It's Lois.
Again, please respond
with "here."
Oh, my God,
Chris is still in there!
Somebody save Chris!
(bystanders gasping)
(cheering)
You know what?
He's earned that.
God, look at this place.
Our whole house is destroyed.
Oh, here comes
the insurance guy.
Everyone start crying about
losing your new golf clubs
and Grant Wood's
American Gothic.
Oh...
my new golf clubs
with the titanium shafts.
Oh, my classic depiction
of the austere steadfastness
of rural America!
You know, I don't care.
It's not my money.
Oh.
Peter, I spoke with my parents,
and we can live with them
until our house is fixed.
Great. It's gonna suck worse
than Mueslix.
You know,
the German health cereal?
Guten Morgen. Try me.
I am made of oats and fiber.
Okay. Sounds healthy.
Ja. Also, I am German
and wouldn't mind
watching you crap.
- Uh, I don't know.
- Come, come.
It will be mine
and yours little secret.
Just the two of us.
Please, take me home.
Uh, okay. But just you.
I don't feel safe now.
Stop talking!
Concentrate on the pooping!
ANNOUNCER:
Mueslix,
the weird European cereal
that likes to watch you poop.
(doorbell rings)
Aw, why we got to stay
with your parents?
You know,
sometimes I get the feeling
they don't respect me.
(grunting)
(brakes hiss)
(whirring)
Thank you
for not interrupting my bit.
Come on in.
Wow, check out this media room.
Maybe you burning down the house
wasn't so bad.
My actions were justified.
I'd been fed
a massive societal lie
in the form
of participant awards.
Hey, kids, how would you like
to hear this on the screen
instead of the great show
you came to see?
(children cheering)
That's what you sound like.
Honest.
Please cooperate
and do your part
in keeping this theater quiet,
so everyone,
including you,
can enjoy it.
Remember, lots of adults
and kids, too,
paid admission
to enjoy the show.
We must insist
on absolute quiet.
Otherwise, we will be forced
to evict
all disturbance makers
from the theater.
Those asked to leave today
will be refused admission
to this theater in the future.
Thank you.
Wow, what a dick.
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.
I've deleted all my old tweets,
so don't even bother looking
for bad stuff.
Screen grabs can be faked.
But, first,
it's that time of year again
for the annual
Quahog Pie Cook-off.
The winner will take home
the coveted Pie Champ trophy.
Brian, this could be
my chance to finally win
a legitimate award.
- You think you're up to it?
- Of course.
I just have to apply myself.
Like Chris, when he worked
at that casino.
No more bets. The money that
could have gone to your kids
is gone.
No more bets.
The money you worked hard for
is gone.
Fools, fools, fools.
Ooh, double zero.
Nobody thinks about that one.
And guy walks quickly away
from table without a word,
replaced by an older white man
with a much younger black woman.
No more bets. No more bets.
Brian, are you ready
for my grand creation?
- Serve it up, bitch.
- Well, that was uncalled for.
But get ready to be wowed.
(crunch)
What the-- This is mud.
Yes. It's a mud pie.
I used Legos for the fruit.
Stewie, you can't submit this.
It's inedible.
Okay, now I know
you're full of crap,
because everyone else
loves it.
Mmm, num-num-num-num-nah.
So delicious, Stewie.
Best pie ever.
Wow! Tastes great, Stewie.
Mmm, so good.
Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
Not so hammy, Meg.
He's not an idiot.
Stewie, can't you see
they're faking it
to make you feel good?
What are you talking about?
(slo-mo):
Wow!
Mmm. Num-num-num-num-nah.
So good.
We must insist
on absolute quiet.
My God, you're right.
They're all just lying
to protect my feelings.
This pie is garbage!
And the contest is next week.
I have to drop out.
No, you don't.
You just got to do the work.
Stewie, you're a smart kid.
I know you can bake a pie,
and I'll help you.
You will?
Thank you, Brian.
This calls for champagne.
Pop.
Glug, glug, glug.
Bottoms up.
Go with it.
Ugh. Korbel?
- It's not Korbel. It's...
- Go with it.
Yes, I had some left over
from Denise's wedding.
- Who's Denise?
- Go with it.
Fine. How is Denise?
Did she have the abortion?
- Abortion?
- Go with it.
No, her alarm didn't go off,
so she missed it.
So, Brian,
is this your first orgy?
Not going with it.
Peter, would you like to join us
in a parlor game?
Parlor game?
Lois, why do you always
start talking like a snob
when you're around
your parents?
What? It's the way
I was brought up.
I know, let's play
"The Minister's Cat."
I don't know what that is.
It's simple.
In alphabetical order. Go.
The minister's cat is
an affable cat.
The minister's cat is
a boisterous cat.
Penrose!
The minister's cat is
a covetous cat.
The minister's cat is
a devious cat.
The minister's cat's
an eclectic cat.
Peter, your turn. Go.
- Wh-What?
- Peter, hurry.
I don't-- I don't know this cat.
Damn it, Peter,
you ruined the game!
Peter, perhaps the word
you were looking for is...
"forgotten."
♪ Midnight ♪
♪ Not a sound
from the pavement ♪
♪ Has the moon lost
her memory? ♪
♪ She is smiling alone. ♪
You kids are too young
to remember that,
but your parents
are gonna hate it.
(crickets chirping)
(sighs):
Finally, a place to escape.
Oh, hey, Babs.
Hello, Peter.
What brings you out here?
I had to get away
from that stupid game.
I don't know, whenever I'm here,
I feel out of place.
It's just a different world
than I'm used to.
(belches)
Bring that up again,
and we'll vote on it.
Whoa, where'd you learn
a line like that?
Oh, there's a lot
you don't know about me.
You know, Peter,
you and I are not so different.
You struggle
to get erections, too?
You may think I've always been a
part of this high-society world,
but I wasn't born
with a silver spoon in my mouth.
Well, that probably would've
torn your mom's uterus.
My point is, I'm not from
an upper-crust world, either.
I just had to act that way
to impress Carter,
who cared about that stuff.
I was struggling
to be something I wasn't.
In many ways, I still am.
There's an Ed Sheeran song
for every emotion
you're feeling right now.
Ooh, no, thank you.
You know,
I like hanging out with you.
Hey, what do you say
we ditch this stuffy place
- and head to the Clam?
- The Drunken Clam?
Why, I haven't been there
in decades.
I'd love to.
- To the Babsmobile!
- (alarm chirps)
("Batman Theme" playing)
You got vehicles
with your face on 'em, too?
You know it, stinky.
Oh, I didn't like
being called stinky.
(tires screech)
Babs, I got to hand it to you.
You turned a crappy night
into something great.
You know, I've never dropped
bowling balls
from an overpass before.
They fall quick.
That was the most fun
I've had in decades.
It felt good to reconnect
with the girl I once was.
Hey, listen, you got
to stay true to that girl.
She's an amazing person.
A real person.
Not some stuffy Newport snob.
Oh, sometimes I feel trapped
in this world,
forever trying to live up
to everyone else's expectations,
especially Carter's.
Sounds like you've wasted
your entire life.
Thank you, Peter.
You've helped me
more than you know. Mwah.
Yuck.
Well, Brian,
I've studied pie-making,
and the key is to find the
absolute freshest ingredients.
Therefore, we must go wherever
and whenever
they're to be found.
- Where are we?
- 1666, England.
Home of Sir Isaac Newton
and one of history's
most famous apples.
Which will be part of our pie.
(shouts)
Gravity never happened!
Good morning, family.
And before anyone asks,
I brought this owl from home.
I did not take it
from the enclosed owlery.
Just want to make that clear.
Home-brought owl.
Peter, what did the two of you
talk about last night?
- (hoots)
- Yeah, who?
You can see why I stole this
from the owlery--
I-I mean brought it from home.
Damn it!
My mother.
After your night together,
she told Daddy
she's leaving him.
- (hoots)
- Yeah, who?
All right, I'm already getting
tired of this owl.
I'm gonna go put him back
in the owlery.
Peter, enough.
You've got to make this right.
Now, that one seemed
less earned.
(seabirds calling)
(tires screech)
Babs, I've been looking
all over for you.
- What are you doing here?
- This is my hometown, Peter.
It's where I grew up.
In fact, as a rebellious teen,
I used to come down
to this boardwalk
and feed Alka-Seltzer tablets
to the seagulls.
(squawking)
Babs, you got to come home.
Carter needs you.
I'm sorry,
but I-I can't do that right now.
(seagull shrieks, pops)
Peter, you've been able
to stay true to who you were.
- I've lost touch with that.
- (seagull shrieks, pops)
It's been buried
by Carter and his money.
I want to find it again.
Listen, Babs, I understand
what you're doing. I really do.
Sometimes I feel suffocated
by Lois
and my stupid mother-in-law,
but you got to come home.
- (seagull shrieks, pops)
- I don't think so, Peter.
You and Carter are meant
for each other.
You go together.
L-Like the couple
from the movie Grease.
Mr. Rama-Lama-Lama-Ka-Dinga-
Da-Dinga-Dong, do you take
Miss Shoo-Bop-Sha-Wadda-
Wadda-Yippity-Boom-De-Boom
- to be your wife?
- I do.
And Miss Shoo-Bop-Sha-Wadda-
Wadda-Yippity-Boom-De-Boom,
do you take Mr. Rama-Lama-Lama-
Ka-Dinga-Da-Dinga-Dong
- to be your husband?
- I do.
If anyone objects
to this union,
speak now
or forever hold your peace.
-(all gasping)
-Mr. Chang-Chang-Changity-
Chang-Sha-Bop!
Peter, where have you been?
Listen, Carter, unless you want
to lose Babs forever,
you better get down
to Weekapaug.
Why the hell would I do that?
If you want to win her back,
maybe, for once,
you try to fit into her world.
You got to become a regular guy.
What? No! Never!
Daddy, Peter's right.
You got to do this for Mom.
All right, fine. I'll take
a quick choke-myself-awake nap
and be ready to go.
(snoring)
(choking)
(clears throat)
All right. All right, let's go.
- I'm so nervous.
- You made a damn good pie,
Stewie.
You should be proud of yourself,
whatever happens.
Good afternoon, Quahog,
I'm Tom Tucker... in a T-shirt?
And now, the moment
you've all been waiting for.
This year's Quahog
pie-baking champion is...
Fjurg Vanderploeg.
(cheering and applause)
Everyone is welcome
to taste my pie.
Sorry, Stewie.
You did your best.
These were old pros.
But, hey, look. You took fifth.
Fifth? Is that good?
- Do I get a medal?
- You get a ribbon.
Does everyone who participates
get a ribbon?
Only ten out of 14.
My God. I did it.
No, Stewie, you did it--
Oh, wait.
Sorry, I thought you--
- I thought you said "we did it."
- I did not.
Good job, little boy.
Maybe someday
you can come by my store
and have all the cake you want.
- Ooh, that sounds promising.
- Okay, that's enough.
And maybe this winter, you
can go fishing in my ice hole.
BRIAN:
I said enough!
(country music playing)
(music stops)
♪ ♪
I think I went too big
with the boots.
Buddy, I think you might be
in the wrong place.
Yeah, you get lost on the wrong
side of town, boot boy?
-(whispering): Peter.
-Just go with it.
It's all part of the ruse.
I say we take his pants down,
see what he's working with.
And while we're at it,
give me that pool cue.
I got an idea
where we can put it.
- Peter, shut up.
- Carter? Is that you?
Oh. Hey, Babs.
I hang out here all the time.
Yeah. He comes in here with me.
And I'd even take
a lie detector test to prove it.
Well, good thing the bar is
having Lie Detector Wednesday.
Wh-What?
Just a few easy
warm-up questions.
Have you ever had condomless sex
with a man?
Okay, test over. Carter's
never been here in his life.
Damn it, Peter. I'm leaving.
(creaking)
- (gasping)
- My truck!
Time to waste this fancy-pants.
♪ ♪
(grunts)
Babs, you saved me.
And the bartender's unconscious.
Let's take his pants down,
see what he's working with.
(cheering)
(crying):
Babs, I'm sorry.
I tried, but I can't do it.
I'll never be the real man
you want me to be.
I'll always be just a spoiled,
spineless, rich dandy.
Carter, I appreciate you trying
to be the man I want,
but being back home here
has made me realize
you already are.
What? I am?
I've discovered I'm not
the same girl I once was.
I've changed.
I've grown accustomed
to life with you.
I thought I wanted
this life back,
but have you ever had
a Milwaukee's Best?
It's an awful, awful, awful...
- It's one of our sponsors.
- ...delicious beer,
but, still,
ours is the life I want,
and you are the man I want.
Newport is my home now,
and I'm ready to go back there.
Oh, Babs.
(moaning)
Ah, old love.
(creaking)
Well, I didn't pay for my beer,
but I left a hell of a tip.
(laughter)
Damn it, Griffin!
You've been staring at that menu
for 22 minutes, and now you're
sitting in a double pee puddle!
Peter, I'm so relieved
that my mother's back
with my dad.
Yep. It all worked out.
Only one thing left to do.
Get drunk, go upstairs
and weird out the kids.
(quietly):
Chris.
Are-are you awake?
Chris, you-- do you want a--
you want a Tom Brady kiss?
Chris, wake up.
I-I want to give my son
a Tom Brady kiss.
(Stewie clears throat loudly)
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH